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I'L'NCII,   OK  Till   LONBON    CllAUIVAIll,    Ju.\l£  a3,    11)16. 


(S) 


PUNCH 

Vol.    CL. 
JANUARY-JUNE,  1916. 


,   1916* 


LONDON: 

PUBLISHED    AT    THE    OFFICE,    10,    BOUVERIE    STREET, 


AND   SOLD   BY   ALL   BOOKSELLERS. 


PLXCII,  01  TH*  LONDON  CHARIYAM,  JUNE  a3,  iyi6- 


Bridbury,  Agnev/  &  Co., 

Printers, 
London  and  Tonbridge, 


f; 


PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  FOR   1916. 


Picture  Offer 

I  o  "IK  Reszke  "Smokers  only 

(;ie"   Picture,  "Munitions — By 

;i  nn  paper  i5ins.by  ioins.fwillbc 

-t  nt  free  to  any  smoker  forwarding  lo  address 

•PC  Rr*.zkc  "  box  lid  and  zd.  in 

•iiioning  picture  No.  ji.  Previou? 

-.irac     terms,     viz^     a 
itd      >nd      Zd.      for      e;uh 
pitture  required.     I',- 
mention    picture 
number  when 
.i:ig. 


Your  Friend  on 
Active  Service ! 

If  you  Intend  to  send  him  cigarettes 

remember    he    is    worthy    of    the 

vety    best.       So    buy    a    box    of 

**  De  Reszke"  and  post  them 

with    your    own   hands. 

Then     you     know 

that  they  will 

reach  iiim 

safely. 


D 


The  Demand  for  a  Cigarette  is 
Significant  of  its  Quality 


EMAND  is  the  barometer  of  public 
opinion.     The  sales  of  a  cigarette 
are  the  best  criterion  of  its  quality 
because   it   affords  indisputable  evidence  of 
public  approval. 

A  decade  ago  the  sales  of  "  De  Reszke " 
Cigarettes  were  trifling  compared  with  com- 
peting brands.  To-day  three-fourths  of  all 
the  cigarette  smokers  willing  to  pay  their 
price  demand  "  De  Reszkes."  What  has 
wrought  this  remarkable  change  : 

One   thing    only —    •• 
QUALITY.  A  quality 
so  good  that  when  put 
to  the  test  of  compari- 
son it  is  unmistakable. 


Tl 


DC  Reszke 


ONE    QUALITY   ONLY—  THE    BEST 


HE  "De  Reszke"  blend  is  the  secret 
of  the  extraordinary  popularity  of 
this  cigarette.  It  is  the  blend  that  is 
responsible  for  that  perfect  flavour — that 
pleasant  but  not  pungent  aroma — -that  ex- 
quisite mildness  which  is  so  rare  a  virtue. 
FOR  CHRISTMAS  there  is  really 
no  better  present  for  a  gentleman — or  for 
that  matter  a  lady — than  "  De  Reszke  " 
Cigarettes.  They  always  afford  the  greatest 
degree  of  pleasure  and  satisfaction. 

We  invite  comparison 
of  "De  Reszkes"  with 
other  brands.  Our  only 
obiect  in  so  doing  is  to 
give  the  cigarettes  a  chance 
to  recommend  thr.nselves. 


TENOR  (large  size)  .  .  lid. 
BASSO  (extra  large  size)  1/2 
SOPRANO  (Ladies'  size)  8d. 


1/8 


I! 

21- 
2/7 
1/7 


3/10    7/3 


5 
3/2 


9/6 

f-/3 


TO   THE   TRADE 

Before  the  Budge:  io**De  Reszke"  ,4  merican 
Cigarettes  cost  6£d.  They  now  cost  7  Ad. 
Other  brands  formerly  sold  at  a  halfpenny  k-ss 
cos>t  the  same  as  "  De  Reszkes."  Those 


Your  attention  i«  particularly  directed  to  the  "De  Res/ke"AMF.RICANCigarelte,     Tobacconists  who   make  a  point    of   studying 
which  is  recognised  in  the  Trade  as  the  finest  cigarette  of  its  kind  in  England,     their  customers*  interests  will  not   lose  sight 

7Jd.  per  10  ;  1/3  per  20  ;  1/7  per  25  ;  3/1  per  50  ;  6/-  per  loo.    "^RcSk^A'mlrican  'Vibe 
Sold    by    nil    Tobacconists    and     Stores,    or     post    free    from 
J.  MILLHOFF  &  CO., Ltd.  (Dcpt.  7),  86  Piccadilly,  London, W. 


Punch's    AlmanacK    for    1916. 


CALENDAR,    1916. 


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31 

Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


WAR    ECONOMIES. 


SIlC.  "I  'M  GOING  OUT  SHOPPING,  DEAR.      I  KNOW  1  OUGHTN'T 
TO  BE  SPENDING,   BUT  I   MUST  GET  A   FEW  THINGS." 

He.  "BY  JOVE,  BO  MUST  I.    I'LL  COME  WITH  YOU." 


She.  "DON'T  YOU  THINK  YOU'D   BETTER  GET   YOUB  NEW 

HAT  HEBE?    THEY   LOOK  VEBY  NICE  AND   SEEM   MUCH 
CHEAPEB  THAN  THE  ONES  YOU  GENERALLY  GET." 


Be.  "Now    THAT'S    THE    SORT   or   SENSIBLE    BOOT    YOU 

OUGHT  IO  HAYll  FOR  THE   WINTER." 


She.  "LOOK,  DARLING,  HERE  ARE  SOME  CIGARS  QUITE  AS 
BIG  AS  THE  ONES  YOU  SMOKE,  AND  THEY'RE  ONLY  THREE- 
HA'PENCE  EACH!" 


Se.   "Bl  THE   BY,    MY   DEAR,   ISN'T  IT  YOUK  BIRTHDAY  NEXT 
WEEK? " 


He.  "WELL,  WE  DON'T  SEEM  TO  BE  GETTING  MUCH  DONE. 

I  THINK  I'LL  JUST   LUNCH   AT   THE    CLUB." 

She.   "Ar.r.  -Brnw-r    TW,       A™  T>,,  „  T>,™  n 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


WAR    ECONOMIES. 


"I  SAY,  LET'S  GO  AND  DINE  OUT  SOMEWHERE." 

'•WK  CAN'T  AFFORD  IT." 

"  NONSENSE  !     I  '  VK  BEEN  TOLD  OF  A  PLACE  IN  SoHO  WHERE 

Illl'Y    (,IVK    YOU    QUITE   A   GOOD   DINNER    foil    Kill  111  I:  I  Nl'ENCE." 


mm 


••II  I. UK  WE  ARE,  YOU  SEE — EIGHTEE5PF.NCE.  WELL,  I 
THINK  WE  MIGHT  LET  OURSELVES  OO  A  BIT  OVER  THE 
WINE,  EH?" 


"PONE       llXl  Kl.l.FNTLV.      THANKS.  I'.V     THE     WAY     I     THINK 

I'LL    HAVE    ANOTHEIl    CHARTREUSE;     AND    I    WONDER    IF    YOU 
COULD   SEND  OUT   FOR  SOME   CORONAS?" 


"  NOTHING  LEFT  BUT  A  FOUR-GUINEA  BOX.  A  BIT  STEEP, 
EH?  STILL  —  JUST  FOB  ONCE  —  AS  WE  ECONOMISED  OVER 
DINNER — WHAT?" 


I    THINK    WE    MIGHT    RUN     TO    A    LITTLE     SUPPER     AS     WE 

Pn     Cn     fTIITi^TV         Tinv'T     VlMT  9  " 


'•\VKLL,  WHAT  DO  you  THINK  OF  THAT  FOR  AN  EIGHTEEN- 

T>  IT  W  V      I  k  I  V  V  L'  D 1?  U  9  *  ' 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916 


Mr  X  (late  for  Bridge  Party).  "Now  THEN,  MY  DEAR,  COMB  ALONG  I    LET 's  SEE,  HAVE  WE  GOT  EVEBYTHING-HELMETS,  BESPIRATOBS, 

ELECTBIO  TOBCHE8 ?      WHY,   BLESS   ME,   YOU  'VE   FOBGOTTEN   YOUB   COLLISION-MAT  !  ' 


Inquisitive  Lady.  "AND  WHAT  DO  YOU  DO  WITH  THE  SUBMABINES  WHEN  YOU  CATCH  THEM?" 
Kat-al  Officer.  "  DEPENDS  ON  THEIB  SIZE.    WE  ALJTJI'S  THBOW  BACK  THE  LITTLE  ONES." 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


THE    GERMAN    SPORTSMAN'S    AMBITION. 


THE  NEW  M.F.H.  FOE  HOUNDSDITCH. 


V '^'\  \*^'l 


Tin:  GLORIOUS  TWELFTH. 


Punch's    AlmanacK    for    1916. 


Jntt'lligent  Person  (to  Observation  Balloon  Officer).  "I  WONDER  YOU  DON'T  HAVE  A  LADDER  OB  A  FIUE   ESCAPE  OB  SOMETHING  OP 

THAT  SORT,   INSTEAD   OF  JUST  THAT  ROPE  TO   CLIMB   UP   AND  DOWN." 


7/<m.v/,,,«, .,•  (tomewhat  startled  I,,,  .lucent  of  balloon  which  h,,s  nr.t  been  quite  the  success  it  should  lace  been).   "  So  THIS  is  WHAT  YOU 

-VUY    AIRCRAFT   GENTLEMEN    IX)    Kim   A    LMI.Nd!' 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


Visitor  (to  little  dawjliter  of  tlic  house,  whose  father  is  working  very  hird  at  the  War  Office).  "1  SUPPOSE  YOU  DON'T  SEE  MUCH  OP 

YOUR  FATHEB  NOW,    DEAR?" 

Little  Daughter.  "No,  WE  NEVER  SEE  DADDY  NOW.    HE  SLEEPS  DAY  AND  NIGHT  AT  THE  WAR  OFFICE." 


•ALL  RIGHT,  SFESHUL!     I  WASN'T  GOING  TO  PINCH  THE  BLOOMIN'  LANTERN.     I  WAS  ONLY  LOOKIS'  AT  IT." 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


THE    GERMAN    HUNT    FOR    METAL. 


CITIZEN  HAVING  HIS  HEEL-TIPS  REMOVED. 


L)OG'S   IRON   DRINKIXG-VESSEL   BEING   COMMANDEERED. 


CONFISCATING  CHILD'S  TIN.  TRUMPET  BY  IMPERIAL  DECREE. 


EKMOVING  ARTICLES  OP  METALLIC  SUBSTANCE  BY  HIGH  VELOCITY 


VACUUM    PROCESS. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


CHARIVARIA. 

[Many  of  the  paragraphs  originally  appear. 


the  Firth  of  Forth,  between  Edinburgh 
and   Glasgow."     Most  submarines  are 

_,  _      -.      «,    .  „        ...          "  sea-going,"  but  these  must  have  been 

ing  on  this  page   have   been  excised  by    laml-going  at  the  time. 
the    Imperial   German    Censor   as   being 
offensive  to  the   majesty  of   the  Kaiser. 

Substitutes  have  been  provided  by  the  •'  BfUuh  noblmUM,  Sir  It  HIT woltril 
best  German  epigrammatists,  and  these  WAI. l. IK,  th inks  to  ininise  his  count ri/- 
are  printed  in  italics,  ,„,.„  /,,/  telling  tlli'in  that  we  struck 

Tin-:  report,  that  Lord  ROBBBBBT  has    medals  in  luMOUf  of  Victoria  tliut  tUV6T 


are  delighted  to  learn  that  mine- 
sweeping  has  such  a  refining  in- 
fluence. Mine-laying  has,  of  course, 
the  opposite  effect. 

*  * 

We  blush  to  think  that  our  noble 
Fatherland  should  h/irlinur  such  a 
croaker  as  I'M  i.  II  i;;.\r.s,  who  irntrx 
to  some  obscure  journal  complaining 


joined  tlio  Anti-Aircraft  Corps  lias  been   occurred,  such  ax  the  capture,  of  I'uria,   that  owgrtat  art  wonderful  Government 


officially  denied.  The  error 
arose  from  a  confusion  be- 
tween the  Scottish  Archers 
(of  which  body  his  lordship 
is  a  distinguished  men 
and  the  Scottish  Archibalds. 
''.•  '-.'• 

•A 

Pessimist  Clubs  are  noir  in 
great  vogue  in  London,  and 

iTi'i'i/  xi/ch  institution  has 
it  lomj  irniting  list.  A  heiir// 
fine  is  levied  upon  any 
member  seen  to  smile,  and  a 
state  of  sepulchral  gloom  is 
everywhere  insisted  on.  At 
the  Broken  Constitutional  a 
member  iras  i',r/ielled  the 
other  day  for  a/i/ieanng  on 
the  Club  premises  in  a  fancy 

truistcoat.     ^  * 
* 

"  The  Field  tells  us  that 
every  sportsman  who  is 
shooting  at  the  present 
time  should  kill  every  bird 
on  which  he  can  lay  his 
hands."  The-advice  is  good 
and  patriotic.  If  you  just 
catch  them  and  wring  their 
necks  it  saves  ammunition. 


In  connection    with    the 

Zi'/i/ii-liii  raids  the  opjtor- 
tuiiist  presn  has  not  been 
slmr  to  utilise  fur  its  oivn 
purposes  even  the  present 
abject  panic  among  Lon- 
doners-. We  leant  that  the 
Daily  Quail  is  about  to  offer 
handsome  prizes  for  the 
quickest  recovery  from  a 

street  faint.  .. 
•  %  * 

Too  much  attention  must 
not  be  paid  to  the  state- 
ments regarding  the  alleged  scarcity  of  and  talks  about  "  the  chagrin 


food   iii  del-many.     True,  a  writer  in   German   people  irhen    they    had 

the  Vorwiirts    asserts    that    when   the  !  consigned  to  the  melt  ing-pot."    It  seems 

market  opens  in  the  afternoon  he  has   to  have  escaped  his  intelligence  that  this 

seen 

women    and    the    dresses 

bodies."        But    there 


'  the  hats  torn  from  the  heads  of 
from  their 
is  reason  to 
believe  that  he  borrowed  the  descrip- 
tion fio:n  an  account  of  the  Summer 
Sales  in  the  West-end  of  London. 

The  Toronto  Globe  states  that  "mails 
from  England  bring  (lie  news  of  the 
capture  of  two  more  sea-going  Ger- 


does  not  bring  down  the  price 
of  foodstuffs.  Let  him  betake 
himself  and  his  petulant 
pen  to  England.  If  there 
is  anifthiug  in  a  name,  he 
is  already  half-way  to  being 
a  HARMSWORTH. 

*  * 

AQuetta  paper  announces' 
that  it  has  been  "  favoured 
with  the  following  book 
from  the  Theosophical  Pub- 
lishing Office:  How  We 
Remember  Our  Past  Liver." 
But  was  it  really  necessary, 
in  India  of  all  places,  to 
write  a  book  about  it? 

*  * 

We  cull  the  follcnving 
advertisement  froin  the 
"  Times  Journal  "of  Ontario: 
" POULTRY.  Remember  the 
boys  at  the  Front  with  your 
personal  greeting."  It  gives 
one  some  idea,  of  the  low  state 
of  patriotism  in  the  British 
Empire  to  learn  that  it  is 
apparently  necessary  to  ap- 

\  peal  to  the  hen-run  for  the 
support  of  starving  soldiers. 

I  *  * 

In  an  account  of  the  re- 
ception given  at  Manchester 
to  Lieut.  Forshaiv,  V.C., 
who  has  been  described  as 
"  the  superb  bomb-thrower," 
a  local  paper  observed  that 
"Lieut.  Forshaw'swonderf id 
achievement  had  put  new 
metal  into  the  men  of  the 
Expeditionary  Force."  In 
Germany,  Military  decora- 
tions are  only  given  to  those 

ivhoput  metal  into  the  enemy. 

i  *  # 

of  the       A       "  University      Correspondent " 
to  be  quotes  from  a  letter  to  the  Secretary  of 
a  Territorial  Force  Association. — "Sir, 
My  husband  has  gone  to  the  Dandelions, 
was  one  of  our  methods  of  establishing  !  so  will  you  please  tell  me  how  to  get  his 


/ 


AFTER  THE  CONQUEST— TRAFALGAR  SQUARE. 

[Passed  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  on  the  ground  that 
the  artist's  attempted  humour  may  be  tolerated  for  the  sake  of  his 
prophetic  insight.] 


a  reserve  of  the  metals  that  tee  might 
need  at  a  later  stage  in  the  War. 

* 

We  sympathise  greatly  with  the 
gentleman  who  advertises  his  needs 
as  follows  in  a  Liverpool  organ  :  — 
"  Bachelor  (37),  tall,  dark,  refined 
tastes  (mine  sweeping),  through  lone- 
liness, would  correspond  with  Lady  of 


He  seems  to  be 


man  submarines  about  the  bridges  of  some  means.     View  matrimony.  '     We 


Elopement  money." 
a  bit  of  a  Levanter. 

%* 

The  fox-hunting  season  has  opened 
in  the  Balkans.  The  British  pack  is 
to  be  known  as  Mr.  Ferdie's  hounds. 

[Note  by  the  Imperial  German  Cen- 
sor.— //  there  is  any  sporting  signifi- 
cance in  this  cryptic  paragraph,  j<v 
missed  it.] 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


THE    FORTRESS    OF    LONDON. 

[Passed  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  as  a  characteristic 
specimen  of  British  hypocrisy.] 

OFT  had  I  strayed  through  London  town 

Yet,  till  the  Teuton  gas-bags  came 
(Not  shooting  loosely  at  the  brown 

But  with  a  most  deliberate  aim — 
Or  so  it  said  in  their  report) 

I  harboured  still  the  fond  illusion 
That  this  was  not  a  martial  spot 

Tripled  in  steel  against  intrusion. 

I  took  it  for  a  haunt  of  peace, 

Civilian  to  the  very  maw, 
Its  sole  defence  a  stout  police, 

The  sentinels  of  British  law, 
Who  stood  with  lifted  hand  and  large 

Untying  tangles  in  the  traffic, 
And  now  and  then  arrested  men 

Who  tried  to  scorch  or  steal  or  maffick. 

The  forts  of  Hampstead,  fully  manned, 

Escaped  me ;  I  had  failed  to  view 
The  terraced  bastions  (MAPPIN'S  brand) 

Designed  to  guarantee  the  Zoo ; 
I  'd  seen  no  observation -post 

High  on  St.  Paul's  when  nights  were  stilly, 
No  tricky  maze  of  trenched  ways 

Eaking  the  slope  of  Piccadilly. 

I'd  missed  the  ponds  in  every  Park 

All  stiff  with  Dreadnoughts  off  the  brine, 
And  sailors  singing  after  dark 

"  The  Watch  upon  the  Serpentine  "  ; 
I  was  profoundly  unaware 

That,  steaming  hard  and  never  stopping, 
Our  T.  B.  D.'s,  as  thick  as  bees, 

Patrolled  the  waves  from  Kew  to  Wapping. 

But  now  the  film  is  off  my  eye; 

I  see,  or  rather  take  on  trust, 
The  reason  WILLIAM  gives  me  why 

London  may  be  reduced  to  dust ; 
Her  women-folk  must  go  elsewhere, 

Her  old  and  sick,  her  young  and  tender, 
Leaving  behind  the  warrior-kind 

To  line  her  bulwarks  and  defend  her. 

And  so,  by  German  truth  made  wise, 

I  have  an  answer  terse  and  «lear 
For  those  who  would  not  recognise 

My  status  as  a  Volunteer; 
At  last  my  manhood's  hour  has  come 

And,  now  that  all  the  facts  are  shown  up, 
I  claim  the  right,  by  sitting  tight, 

To  have  my  chance  of  being  blown  up.       O.  S. 


UNWRITTEN    LETTERS  TO    THE    KAISER. 


(From  Count 

[This  contribution  from  the  pen  of  the  Great  ex-Dane,  the  strength 
of  whose  style  is  only  equalled  by  its  fine  restraint,  is  inserted 
in  the  place  of  an  article  (under  the  same  title)  distinguished  in 
its  attitude  to  the  All-Highest  by  an  infamous  blasphemy.] 

0  most  splendid  and  most  augustly  glorious  Ruler,  You 
in  the  light  of  whose  far-shining  countenance  the  peoples 
have  their  being,  You  whose  beneficence  is  celebrated  in  the 
farthest  corners  of  the  habitable  globe,  You  whose  mercy  is 
as  that  of  an  all-seeing  father,  whose  anger  seeks  out  in 
their  dark  hiding-places  the  reptiles  (mainly  English)  who 
have  impotently  endeavoured  with  their  puny  alien  teeth  to 


bite  your  sacred  and  unconquerable  heel,  0  be  compassion- 
ate to  me,  the  least  worthy  but  most  submissive  of  your 
worshippers,  while  on  bended  knees  and  with  my  head 
grovelling  in  the  dust  I  attempt  with  paper  and  pen  and 
ink  to  exalt  the  virtues  for  which  you  are  renowned. 

You  are  the  successor  in  our  beloved  Prussia  of 
FREDERICK  THE  GREAT,  but  never  did  FREDERICK  shine 
with  wisdom  such  as  yours  or  prove  so  magnificently  the 
might  and  majesty  which  adorn  the  head  of  a  German 
monarch.  Where  he  destroyed  ten  thousand,  you  with  the 
devouring  fire  of  your  breath  have  swept  millions  and 
millions  from  the  ranks  of  living  men.  Who,  indeed,  can 
withstand  you  when  with  your  beloved  eldest  son  you  sally 
forth  to  war?  Those  who  placed  themselves  in  your  way 
lie  low  in  the  dust  waiting  until  you  shall  deign  to  trample 
on  their  bodies.  France  is  your  wash-pot ;  over  England 
you  have  cast  out  your  shoe — over  England  who  presumes 
to  dispute  with  you  the  rule  of  the  land  and  the  command 
of  the  sea.  Yet  cannot  she  abide  your  presence  when  in 
glittering  armour  you  march  at  the  head  of  your  armies 
or  direct  the  conquering  course  of  your  ships.  She,  the 
hereditary  foe,  snarls  in  her  toothless  rage  at  the  proud 
works  of  German  Kultur.  She  lets  loose  upon  the  ocean 
the  armed  mass  of  the  Lusitania,  and  when  with  one 
flashing  thunderbolt  of  war  you  punish  her  presumption  she 
whines  about  the  deaths  of  women  and  children.  Those 
who  perished  were  English  women  and  English  children, 
and  therefore  they  rightly  perished  for  daring  to  set  them- 
selves against  your  designs.  And  if  in  addition  to  these 
English  vermin  there  were  Americans  amongst  the  drowned, 
so  much  the  better,  since,  next  to  the  English,  the 
Americans  are  most  to  be  detested  for  venturing  to  doubt 
your  all-pervading  goodness  and  righteousness.  Let  them 
all  be  swept  from  the  face  of  the  earth  and  of  the  water,  so 
that  there  may  be  more  room  there  for  the  solid  race  of 
Germans,  whose  guardian  and  darling  you  have  graciously 
appointed  yourself  to  be. 

Therefore,  hail,  O  irresistible  conqueror  of  Belgium,  hail, 
invader  of  ferocious  Serbia,  scatterer  of  death-dealing  bombs 
on  fortified  London  and  on  all  the  fortress-villages  of 
England ;  mighty  and  most  merciful  KAISER.  It  is  for  you 
to  reign  triumphant  while  your  enemies  peep  about  to  find 
themselves  dishonourable  graves.  While  I  live  I  will  exalt 
my  KAISER  and  will  cover  with  confusion  and  curses  the 
foes  of  his  house.  And  as  for  the  English,  let  them  be 

...  let  them  be  ....      They  are  assuredly  doomed  and 

.  .  .  the  fire  shall  devour  .... 

[Note  by  the  Imperial  (rcrman  Censor  :  At  this  point  the 
writer  abruptly  terminated  his  latter,  being  apparently 
fearful  lest  the  fervour  of  his  loyalty  should  do  some 
/ii'i'inanent  injury  to  the  natural  moderation  of  his 
epistolary  style.] 


ON    THE    SPY    STRAFE. 

[Passed  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  as  an  example  of  British 
ignorance  of  German  sausages,  dachshunds  and  other  social 
features  of  the  Fatherland.] 

Fritz's  dachshund,  the  Strafer,  was  on  show  in  a  sausage- 
shop  window  before  Fritz  had  him.  You  see  Fritz's  father 
is  in  that  line  of  business.  He  .is  very  clever  at  it  too, 
Fritz  says,  and  can  tell  you  what  is  the  matter  with  every 
sausage  in  his  shop. 

Fritz  says  that  people  often  come  to  his  father  for  infor- 
mation like  that ;  they  show  him  a  sausage  they  have 
purchased  from  him  and  ask  him  "  What  in  the  name  of 
all  that's  holy  and  German"  he  calls  that.  One  man 
came  all  the  way  from  Mecklenburg- Schwerin — you  could 
hear  him  doing  it,  Fritz  says — and  asked  his  father  if  he 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


TRUTH    MIRRORED    IN    GERMAN    ART. 


Tlie  Soldier.  "  I  AM  NOT  ALLOWED  TO  BUY  YOU  A  DRINK,  COMRADE,  so  YOU  MUST  oo  WITHOUT." 
The  Sailor.  "  THEN  I  SHALL  DESERT  FROM  THE  NAVY.     IF  I  CANNOT  DRINK  I  WILL  NOT  FIGHT." 


M)  TIII:  REFINED  CRUKLTY  WITH  WHICH  STARVING  GERMAN  PRISONERS  ARE  TREATED  BY  THE  BRITISH. 


i: 

The  above  two  pictures,  the  work  of  typical  Berlin  artists,  have  been  substituted  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  for  an 
impossible  Cartoon  in  which  doubt  was  cast  upcn  the  divinity  of  th:  Ka'ser.] 


Punch's   Almanack    for    1916. 


remembered  selling  him  a  large  dark-brown  single-cylindered 
s:uis;ige  \vitli  a  j)iirj)le  smell,  answering  to  the  name  of 
••  K.  ,sebud."  His  father  remembered  it  all  right,  Fritz  says  ; 
lie  >l lowed  the  man  where  it  had  bitten  him  once,  and  they 
compared  bites. 

Frit/,  says  his  father  always  goes  round  his  sausages  every 
morning,  and  one  day  he  detected  a  rather  more  violent 
movement  than  usual  taking  place  in  one  of  the  Zeppelin 
brands.  Frit/  says  his  father  picked  it  up  very  carefully,  so 
as  not  to  injure  the  bloom,  and  hold  it  to  his  ear.  He  knew 
what  was  the  matter  at  once,  Fritz  says — one  of  the 
cylinders  was  missing  fire. 

"  Fritz  says  his  father  was  just  going  to  send  it  to  the 
English-prisons-food-supply  department,  when  his  mother 
pointed  out  that  parts  of  it  were  quite  good  yet,  so  he  gave 
it  to  Fritz. 

Fritz  says  his  father  warned  him  to  be  very  careful  how 
he  handled  it,  so  Fritz  got  a  half-Nelson,  I  mean  half- 
Tirpitz,  on  it  and  took  it  "~ 
into  the  garden  to  hatch 
out.  Fritz  says  you  'd  never 
believe,  for  the  skin  sud- 
denly burst  open  and  out 
crawled  a  lovely  dachshund ! 
Fritz  says  his  father  recog- 
nised the  dachshund  at 
once,  and  then  went  to  ex- 
amine the  sausage  machine. 

It  turned  out,  Fritz  says, 
that  it  was  an  English - 
made  sausage  machine, 
that 's  why. 

It 's  a  splendid  dachs- 
hund, Fritz  says;  he  calls 
it  the  Strafer.  Fritz  says 
if  you  pat  it  on  the.  head, 
it  will  wag  its  tail  next  day, 
and  it 's  because  of  the  dis- 
tance, like  Tipperary. 

Fritz  often  takes  it  out 
strafing  things ;  it  strafed 
a  fortified  rabbit  the  other 
day.  It  was  a  very  fierce 
rabbit,  Fritz  says,  and  kept 
biting  at  the  grass  and 
things.  Fritz  says  the 
Strafer  sank  down  in  the 
grass  out  of  sight  and 
approached  within  five  yards  of  it,  and  when  the  rabbit 
caught  sight  of  the  Strafer's  periscope  it  made  a  demonstra- 
tion down  a  rabbit-hole. 

But  the  Strafer  knows  all  about  rabbits  down  holes ;  he 
just  pushed  himself  backwards  down  the  rabbit-hole,  gave 
the  rabbit  a  terrific  boost  with  his  hind  legs  and  caught  it 
as  it  came  out  at  the  other  end.  He  is  a  splendid  booster, 
Fritz  says,  and  it's  because  of  his  back  action. 

Fritz  says  the  Strafer  caught  three  rabbits  that  day  and 
a  limp.  He  didn't  want  the  limp.  You  see  it  was  rather 
a  short  hole,  and  the  Strafer  had  gone  in  backwards  and 
was  keeping  his  eye  glued  on  the  other  end  of  the  rabbit- 
hole  whilst  the  rest  of  him  was  boosting  about  inside. 
Suddenly  the  Strafer  saw  what  he  thought  was  a  rabbit 
coming  out  of  the  hole  backwards,  kicking  like  anything 
and  sending  earth  flying  everywhere.  Fritz  says  the  Strafer 
smiled  to  himself — it  was  too  easy.  Then  he  shut  his  eyes, 
made  one  grab  and  held  on.  That 's  how  he  got  the  limp. 
You  see,  what  the  Strafer  thought  was  a  rabbit  was  his  own 
hind  legs  boosting  two  hundred  to  the  minute,  and  when  the 
Strafer  made  a  grab  he  thought  he  felt  the  rabbit  making  a 
grab  at  him  and  that  made  him  bite  deeper. 


The  more  he  chewed,  the  better  work  the  rabbit  seemed 
to  be  putting  in,  so  then  the  Strafer  started  to  try  and  pull 
the  rabbit  backwards. 

Fritz  says  the  Strafer  didn't  dare  open  his  eyes,  because 
his  hind  legs  were  buzzing  and  the  air  was  full  of  stones 
and  gravel. 

He  pulled  himself  twice  through  the  hole  and  out  again 
before  he  could  stop  himself.  Fritz  says  the  Strafer  doesn't 
know  now  where  the  rabbit  finally  got  to ;  he  only  knows 
that  it  was  in  a  sinking  condition  when  he  abandoned  it. 

Fritz  is  training  the  Strafer  to  do  the  goose-step,  so 
that  when  the  Germans  take  London  he  will  be  able  to 
keep  step  with  them. 

Fritz's  dachshund  was  on  the  Spy  Strafe  the  other  day  and 
he  nearly  did  it.  You  see  a  man  got  out  of  a  tram  that 
an  officer  had  stopped  and  it  made  Fritz  very  suspicious 
because  it  wasn't  the  right  stopping  place  and  it  is  verboten 
to  get  out  of  or  into  trams  except  at  certain  places.  You  see 

the  officer  saw  the  tram 
passing  and  put  up  his 
sword  for  it  to  stop ;  then 
he  went  slowly  up  to  it, 
struck  a  match  on  it  to 
light  a  cigar  and  then 
motioned  it  on.  But  it 
happened  that  the  tram 
had  stopped  opposite  the 
restaurant  to  which  the 
man  wanted  to  go,  and  he 
got  out.  Fritz  says  they 
fined  him  for  getting  out, 
made  him  take  another 
ticket,  then  made  him  get 
in  again,  and  fined  him  for 
getting  in  at  the  wrong 
place. 

Fritz  says  the  man  spoke 
very  fluent  German  to  the 
policeman  and  the  tram- 
conductor  to  put  them  off 
the  scent.  But  the  Strafer 
had  his  eye  on  him,  and 
when  he  returned  he  fol- 
lowed him  into  the  restau- 
rant.. Fritz  knew  he  was 
disguised  as  a  German  be- 
cause he  had  a  suit  of 
Deutschland  iiber-alls  on. 
Fritz  says  some  officers  were  in  the  restaurant,  and  when 
they  drank  to  "  Der  Tag "  he  heard  the  man  mutter 
something  about  "Der  Tag,  der  Eag  and  der  Bobtail." 
Fritz  says  the  Strafer  was  soon  on  his  track ;  he  went  and 
sat  on  his  hind  legs  bolt  upright  close  beside  the  man, 
ready  to  strafe  as  soon  as  he  saw  his  opportunity. 

Fritz  says  it  was  awful ;  he  could  see  the  Strafer  edging 
up  nearer  and  nearer  all  the  time,  licking  his  lips.  Presently 
the  man  took  up  a  toothpick  out  of  a  wine-glass.  Fritz 
felt  certain  he  was  English  because  when  he  had  finished 
with  the  toothpick  he  didn't  put  it  back.  And  then  sud- 
denly everything  happened.  The  Strafer  could  hold  himself 
in  no  longer;  he  made  a  fearful  grab  at  the  man,  missed 
him,  but  swallowed  up  all  the  meal  he  had  left  on  his  plate. 
The  man  gave  the  Strafer  a  push  which  made  him  execute 
a  strategic  retirement  amongst  the  wine-glasses  of  the 
officers,  who  were  loyally  hoch-cupping  the  KAISER.  The 
man  tried  to  apologise,  and  said,  "  I  'm  real  sorry,"  but  the 
officers  drew  their  swords  and  nearly  cut  him  in  two. 

Fritz  says  the  man  wasn't  an  Englishman  after  all ;  he 
was  an  American ;  but  how  was  the  Strafer  to  know  the 
difference  ? 


THE    PINCH    OF    WAR. 

Foreman  Printer.  "  WE  CAN'T  DO  WITH  ANY  MORE  AIR  RAID  copy, 
MISTER.  WE'VE  USED  UP  EVERY  '  Z '  IN  THE  PLACE!" 

[Passed  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  as  indicating  the  shortage 
of  metal  in  England — the  result  of  the  supremacy  of  the  German 
Navy.] 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


LE    ROI    S'AMUSE. 


•4fcJ  YE 


r.  "  ALL-HIGHEST,  THE  IMPEBIAL  BAG  CONSISTS  OF  FORTY-SEVEN  STAGS,  ONE  THOUSASD-AND-EIGHTY  PHEASANTS,  FIVE 

BABBITS,    NINETY-FIVE   WOODCOCK— AKD   A   BEATEH."  Willielm.    "I   DO   NOT  SEE   HIM.      LAY   HIM   OUT  WITH  THE   OTHERS 


Wilht'Im.  "Tnis  OUGHT  TO  TEACH  TinrY  A  LOT." 

[These  two  pictures  are  passed  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  as  showing  the  godless  perversity  with  which  the  British 
refuse  to  recognise  the  humaneness  of  the  Kaiser.] 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


TRUTH    MIRRORED    IN    GERMAN   ART. 


Despatch  Rider.  "  OKDEKS  FROM  HEADQUARTERS.     THE  ATTACK  MUST  BEGIN  AT  ONCE!" 
British  Officer.  "WHAT!  IN  OUK  DINNER-HOUR?" 

[This  picture,  drawn   by  a   Potsdam   artist,  and   graphically   representing  the    lack    of   devotion  to  duty  in   the  enemy's 
ranks,  is  substituted  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  for  a  foolish  satire  upon  German  Military  methods.] 


THE  COMPLETE  MESS  PRESIDENT. 

[Passed  by  1he  Imperial  German  Censor 
as  a  typical  example  of  the  deplorable 
levity  cf  the  British  Army  ;  also  of  its 
lack  of  organisation.] 

SOME  day  I  too  shall  write  a  book 
called  Misunderstood.  It  will  be  all 
about  a  sunny  young  Mess  President 
who  went  with  the  snowdrops.  I  shall 
publish  it  in  the  hope  of  touching  the 
heart  of  our  Adjutant,  who  once  said 
things  about  me  for  which  I  hope  he  is 
sorry,  when  I  had  done  my  best  to  make 
the  ration  plum-and-apple  jam  taste 
like  marmalade  for  a  birthday  surprise. 

At  the  end  of  the  book  there  will  be 
a  list  of  suggestions  for  the  guidance 
of  all  future  Mess  Presidents,  showing 
what  to  do  when  the  Mess  Cook  is 
found  leaning  against  a  wall  after 
hearing  the  Colonel's  opinion  of  his 
pastry  through  two  closed  doors.  There 
will  also  be  an  appendix  of  recipes,  such 
as  how  to  serve  up  rice  when  the  C.O. 
likes  it  hot,  the  Major  likes  it  cold,  and 
the  M.O.  doesn't  like  it  at  all.  The 
secret  of  success  here  is  to  have  it 
thoroughly  mixed  with  the  coffee  left 
from  breakfast,  and  sent  in  as  a  shape 
under  an  assumed  name.  But  before 
I  describe  these  things  I  shall  explain 


my  great  method  of  providing  fresh 
milk  for  tea  and  breakfast. 

To  do  this  successfully  it  is  necessary 
to  purchase  a  cow,  such  as  Gabrielle, 
our  Mess  Milker  and  the  pride  of  the 
regiment.  It  is  no  easy  matter  to  buy 
one  in  Flanders  just  now.  I  doubt  if 
I  should  ever  have  got  Gabrielle  had 
we  not  come  upon  her  thoughtfully 
munching  the  last  rose  in  the  Sunday 
hat  of  the  farmer's  wife. 

"  This  is  the  last  time  that  Gabrielle 
shall  abuse  our  kindness,"  said  the 
farmer  severely,  and  for  three  hundred 
francs  she  was  ours.  The  next  question 
was  what  to  do  with  her.  I  approached 
the  matter  confidently  enough,  thinking 
that  in  a  cavalry  regiment  the  men 
would  welcome  the  chance  of  tending  a 
cow  as  a  change  from  horses.  Great 
was  my  surprise,  therefore,  when 
Private  Eichard  Bird  proved  to  be  the 
sole  applicant  for  the  position  of  regi- 
mental herdsman.  He  assured  me  that 
a  knowledge  of  cows  "  came  natural  " 
to  the  family,  his  father  having  once 
kept  a  grocer's  shop  off  the  Euston 
Eoad,  where  they  sold  eggs  and  butter. 
Accordingly  I  gave  him  the  job,  not 
without  misgivings.  Next  morning  I 
found  Gabrielle  tethered  by  one  leg  in 


the  horse  lines  and  being  groomed  down 
with  a  dandy-brush.  She  too,  I  think, 
had  her  doubts ;  at  any  rate  I  saw  her 
talking  the  matter  over  with  the 
Doctor's  mare  later,  with  much  lashing 
of  her  tail. 

The  limit  was  reached  at  the  horses' 
feeding  time,  when  her  guardian  wanted 
to  tie  a  nosebag  to  her  horns.  With 
an  indignant  bellow  she  leapt  through 
the  hedge  and  evaded  all  subsequent 
pursuit.  The  same  night,  while  sadly 
returning  to  my  billet,  I  saw  a  figure 
stealing  down  the  road.  Private  Bird, 
who  happened  to  be  on  sentry-go  at 
the  time,  challenged,  but  there  was  no 
reply.  For  a  third  time  he  called,  "  Who 
goes  there?"  and  the  response  came 
down  the  road  in  the  shape  of  a  long- 
drawn-out  "Moo — oo." 

"  Why  couldn't  you  say  you  was  a 
friend  before,  then  ?  "  said  the  aggrieved 
sentry.  "  In  another  minute  you  'd 
have  been  as  dead  as  a  donkey." 

But  even  with  the  return  of  Gabrielle 
my  troubles  are  not  ended.  Next  wesk, 
when  we  go  up  in  support  behind  the 
trenches,  she  is  coming  with  us,  and  I 
am  beginning  to  wonder  whether  it  will 
not  be  the  duty  of  the  Mess  President 
to  give  up  his  dug-out  to  the  Mess  Cow. 


Pi   \     It's    Al.MVNAl'K    FOR     li'l'I. 

German  Emperor. 


Emperor  of  Austria. 


Dr.  Sven  Hedin. 


Sultan  Mahomet  V. 


Tsar  Ferdinand  of  Bulgaria. 


Count  von  Zeppe' 


IF    THE    KAISER    WERE    TO    EDIT    "1 


hul    von   llmdiruburg. 


Uaron   voa  Belhmaim-Hollweg. 


Count  BernstorH. 


Gr.tnJ  Admiral  von  Tirpitz. 


Prince  Henry  of  Prussia.  Crown  Prince  of  Germany. 


.    A 


"PUNCH     DINNER 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


TRUTH    MIRRORED    IN    GERMAN   ART. 


THE    SENTRY'S    SACRIFICE. 

GIVES   OVERCOAT,    TUNIC   AMD   LUNCHEON  TO  BELGIAN   LITTLE   ONES   GOING  TO   SCHOOL  ON   A   WINTER   MORN. 

[This  chef  d'ceuvre,  by  a  Wurtemburg  artist,  portrays  the  humanity  of  the  Kaiser's  Iroops,  and  has  been  substituted  by 
the  Imperial  German  Censor  for  a  very  offensive  picture.] 


' 


ESSENCE   OF   REICHSTAG. 

[EXTRACTS  FROM  THE  DIARY  OP  TAUBE,  M.B.] 

[This  fanciful  artic'e,  composed  by  a  Prussian 
journalist  whose  irresistible  gaiely  and 
<flan  excuse  his  touches  of  cynicism,  has 
been  accepted  by  the  Imperial  German 
Censor  in  place  of  Toby's  "Essence  of 
Parliament"] 

NoveatberSth. — According  to  arrange- 
ment MacBethrnann  -  Hollweg  made 
statement  on  progress  of  War.  Largely 
devoted  to  vindication  of  Turkish  policy 
in  Armenia.  Armenians,  according  to 
CHANCELLOR,  ferocious  and  warlike  men 
who  for  centuries  have  preyed  on  peace- 
ful Kurds,  a  pastoral  tribe  engaged  in 
tending  sheep,  an  animal  which  they 
closely  resemble,  and  dairy  farming : 
hence  their  name.  Armenians  all 
armed  to  the  double-teeth,  pagans  ad- 
dicted to  cannibalism  and  other  atroci- 
ties ;  Kurds,  defenceless  except  for  a 
few  wooden  pitchforks  :  vegetarians  and 
devout  Lutherans.  SULTAN,  goaded 
into  action  by  long  provocation,  reluct- 
antly obliged  to  intervene.  But  mea- 
sures purely  defensive  and  humane. 
Stories  of  extermination  entirely  ficti- 
tious. Methods  those  of  peaceful  per- 
suasion. Only  a  few  irreconcilables 
deported  to  seacoast,  but  provided  with 
lodgings  and  allowed  excellent  sea- 
bathing, where  a  few  accidents  led  to 
abominable  legend,  circulated  by  the 


Entente  Powers,  of  wholesale  drowning. 
Behaviour  of  Kurds  exemplary ;  no 
reprisals  or  retaliation ;  merely  demand 
for  a  few  more  pitchforks  with  metal 
prongs. 

Business  done.  — Kurds  whitewashed. 

November  9th. —  Discussion  opened 
by  Herr  Bernhard  Pschorr,  who  pro- 
posed that  on  annexation  of  the  British 
Isle  Ireland  should  be  created  Republic, 
with  Sir  ROGER  CASEMENT  as  President, 
in  acknowledgment  of  his  patriotic 
services  to  German  cause.  Irish  cities, 
he  pointed  out,  lent  themselves  admir- 
ably to  Germanisation.  Thus  Dublin 
would  become  Doppelheim,  Cork  Korch, 
Limerick  Limmerich  and  Galway  Gall- 
weg.  CHANCELLOR  in  reply  deprecated 
preferential  treatment  of  one  section  of 
enemy's  country,  but  assured  Herr 
Pschorr  his  valuable  suggestions  would 
receive  sympathetic  consideration  at 
proper  time. 

Business  done.  —  Herr  Pschorr 
awarded  Iron  Cross  and  right  to  call 
himself  von  Psehorr. 

November  10th . — Anxiety  of  agrarians 
allayed  by  reassuring  statement  of 
MINISTER  OF  AGRICULTURE,  who  de- 
clared porcine  population  of  Germany 
had  enormously  increased  since  out- 
break of  War.  First -line  pigs  were 
now  one  hundred  million  strong,  and 
reserves  were  as  yet  almost  untouchsd. 


Daily  output  of  sausages  ran  into  bill- 
ions. Learned  pigs  entered  the  machine 
voluntarily,  without  any  compulsion. 

Herr  Milchundwassermann  (Socialist) 
asked  whether  it  was  proposed  to  give 
official  recognition  to  patriotic  pigs. 
MINISTER  OF  AGRICULTURE  deprecated 
any  invidious  treatment  of  one  class  of 
beasts.  Was  sure  all  German  animals 
were  equally  patriotic. 

Business  done. — Second  Reading  of 
Pig  Protection  Bill. 

November  11th. — Sensation  caused  by 
Herr  Milchundwassermann  (Socialist) 
asking  whether  it  is  true  that,  owing  to 
lavish  distribution  of  iron  crosses,  the 
supply  of  that  metal  for  warlike  pur- 
poses had  been  seriously  reduced. 
MINISTER  FOII  WAR  explained  that  only 
two  hundred  and  fifty  thousand  iron 
crosses  had  as  yet  been  bestowed,  and 
that  latterly  they  had  been  made  of 
compressed  wood-pulp,  which  was 
indistinguishable  from  iron,  and  just 
as  durable. 

Herr  Milchundwassermann  deplored 
increasing  cost  of  War.  If  it  went  on 
at  this  rate,  he  said,  he  would  have  to 
become  iron  crossing-sweeper. 

"  It  'a  all  iron  crosses  to-day,"  whis- 
pered the  Member  for  Sarch.  "  On 
Good  Friday  we  shall  be  eating  iron 
cross  buns." 

Business  done. — Nothing. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


AFTERWARDS. 


hack    again,    and    we    had    to    decide 
tilings    for    ourselves.     For    instance, 


[This  contribution  from  a  brilliant  Frank-  ask  wha(.  we  are  going  to  do  with 

^'^^^S  to  Jacky.     Well,    of   cone   the  Govern- 


Jacky.     Well,   of   con^e   the  Govern- 

appreciate  the  contemptible  character  of    ment    Will    see    to    that.      I  he    day    he 
the  enemy,  is  substituted  by  thejmperial    leaves     school,     Jacky    (by-the-by     we 

call  him  Johann  now),  will  present 
himself  at  the  Bezirksamt,  and  there 
he  will  be  told  what  is  to  be  his  future 
career.  He  may  be  drafted  out  to 
colonise  Curacao,  or  he  may  be  sent  to 
the  Kensington  Schornsteinfegerinstitut 
(Institute  for  the  Training  of  Chimney 
Sweeps).  Just  think  of  the  amount  of 
trouble  and  responsibility  we  shall  be 
saved  ! 

It  is  the  same  with  dear  Hedwig  (we 


German  Censor  for   one   of    "  Blanche's 
Letters."] 

Heimat,  M<icl;i>n.wn  l\oad, 
West  Kenxini/tim, 

Aiujitst'lth,  1925. 

MY    DEAREST    SELINA,  —  I    was   so 
delighted  to  get  your  letter  at  last,  and 
to  be  permitted  to  reopen  correspon- 
dence after  so  many  years  of  silence. 
I  am  glad,  too,  to  see  that  you  quite 
understand  how  it  was  I  didn't  write  ; 
we  were  temporarily  forbidden  by 
the  Government  to  correspond  with 
Australia  and  America,  for  fear  of 
the     introduction    of    democratic 
ideas.      I    am     so    thankful    that 
regulation  is  no  longer  considered 
necessary. 

Yes,  we  have  quite  settled  down 
now  to  Annexation.  It  is  your 
good  heart,  dear  Selina,  which 
makes  you  so  full  of  sympathy  for 
us,  but  really,  you  know,  dear, 
things  are  not  so  bad  as  all  that. 
I  fancy  we  are  learning  to  appre- 
ciate some  of  the  advantages  of 
German  rule.  Of  course  I  can  un- 
derstand that  for  you,  in  your 
remote  corner  of  the  world,  it  may 
be  a  little  difficult  to  understand 
how  things  are  with  us.  I  re- 
member when  I  last  wrote  we 
were  going  through  :ill  the  horrors 
of  eleiVat  ami  humiliation.  Well, 
that 's  over  now,  thank  Heaven ! 
All  the  Old  World  comes  under 
the  Pax  Germanica,  and  it  'doesn't 
seem  likely  that  any  nation  will 
ever  be  able  to  challenge  the 
German  supremacy,  so  we  needn't 
fear  any  more  wars.  The  United 
States  may  give  trouble  some  time, 


"WHAT  A  LUCKY  BEOOAB   BABY  IS,  NURSE  !      NEVER 
HAS   TO   STRAIN    HIS    NECK   LOOKING    FOR    ZEPPELINS  I" 

[Passed  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  as  illus- 
trating the  enemy's  affectation  of  indifference  to 
our  deadly  aircraft] 


but  so  many  good  Germans  are  being  used  to  call  her  Edith,  you  remember), 
sent  out  to  settle  there  (with  the  The  Government  will  see  her  married, 
requisite  supply  of  hyphens)  that  it  is  if  the  Herr  Medizinrat  will  pass  her 
expected  they  will  be  able  to  inoculate  health ;  it  will  select  her  trousseau, 
America  with  the  German  spirit  to  such  apportion  her  dowry,  supervise  her 
an  extent  that  she  will  voluntarily  apply  education  in  cooking  and  motherhood 
for  admission  to  the  Empire  as  a  (nothing  else  matters  for  a  girl,  you 
Reichsprovinz.  People  do  say  the  '.  know),  and  finally  choose  her  a  suitable 
same  thing  may  possibly  happen  some  husband,  probably  some  flaxen-haired 
day  to  Australia.  youth  from  Brandenburg  or  Silesia,  for 

You  see,  there  really  was  a  lot  of ,  the  KAISEK  is  in  favour  of  such 
muddling  in  the  old  days !  Nowadays,  marriages,  as  they  tend  to  raise  the 
of  course,  there  isn't  any,  because  the  '  level  of  patriotism.  Think  what  a 
Government  does  everything  for  us.  relief  for  me! 

You  wouldn't  believe  how  that  sinipli-  As  for  Heinrich  (Harry)  and  me,  we 
fies  things.  There  are  no  nervous  shall  in  due  time  be  nominated  to  one 
breakdowns  now,  and  of  course  it  is  of  the  neat  Institutions  for  the  Old 
just  because  you  don't  have  to  think  which  are  springing  up  all  over  the 
nowadays;  all  you  have  to  do  is  to  obey  ;  country.  It  would  have  been  nicer,  of 
the  Code  Wilhelm  II.  I  am  getting  course,  to  have  had  some  voice  in  the 
so  used  to  it  that  I  really  don't  know  selection  of  the  locality,  but  then  we 
what  I  should  do  if  the  old  times  came  are  saved  all  the  worry  of  choosing ! 


But  perhaps  it  is  in  religion  that  the 
change  is  the  most  striking.  You  know 
what  it  used  to  be — how  perplexed  one 
was  with  different  doctrines  and  prac- 
tices. We  all  believe  the  same  now, 
and  we  all  worship  in  the  same  way. 
The  KAISER  has  made  sucli  modifi- 
cations in  the  German  State  Religion 
as  he  thinks  best  suited  to  the  English 
temperament.  I  believe  he  gave  some 
hours  of  serious  thought  to  the  matter, 
which,  considering  his  age  and  his 
many  duties,  was  really  very  generous 
of  him.  And  I  can  assure  you  that  it 
is  quite  a  charming  sight  to  see  all 
the  neighbourhood  trooping  off  every 
Sunday  morning  to  the  West  Kensing- 
ton Gemeindekirche.  No  one  may 
stay  at  home,  for  we  are  all  being 
taught  our  duties  as  German  citi- 
zens. We  have  our  cards  stamped 
by  the  Herr  Kirchengebrauchs- 
inspektor  as  we  go  in. 

It  is  astonishing  how  far-reach  ing 
the  new  Code  is.  Everything  is 
regulated — birth,  marriage,  career, 
holidays,  retirement,  death.  Even 
our  friendships  are  officially  ar- 
ranged for  us,  for  we  are  divided  into 
Freundekreise,  and  you  visit  all  the 
people  of  your  own  Kreis,  and  no 
one  in  anybody  else's  Kreis.  You 
can  imagine  how  that  simplifies 
social  life ! 

Yes,  dear,  you  would  never  think 
it,  but  even  the  death-rate  is  regu- 
lated. If  the  death-rate  where 
you  live  is  too  low,  they  move  you 
somewhere  else,  where  it  is  higher, 
so  as  to  get  uniformity  ! 

By  the  way,  in  addressing  letters, 
do  remember  that  the  country  is 
called  Engdeutschland  now,  just 
as  France  is  Frankdeutschland. 
I  mention  this  because  it  causes  a 
little  disagreeableness  in  official 
circles  when  one  gets  letters  ad- 
dressed in  the  old  style.  And  would 


it  be  too  much  to  ask  you  to  learn  Ger- 
man, just  a  very  little,  you  know,  so  that 
you  could  at  least  make  a  show  of 
writing  in  German?  The  authorities 
are  not  very  pleased  with  letters  coining 
from  abroad  written  in  English. 

I  must  close  now,  for  I  don't  want 
to  miss  this  week's  censoring. 

Your  very  affectionate  Friend, 

JOHANNA  SCHMIDT  (JAXE  SMITH). 

P.S. — You  will  notice  the  new  spell- 
ing of  our  names,  won't  you  ? 

P.P.S. — Last  Sunday  the  Herr  Pastor 
choso  as  his  text: — "Truly  your  lot  is 
fallen  unto  you  in  pleasant  places ; 
ye  have  a  goodly  heritage."  It  may 
seem  strange  to  you,  but  when  lie 
pointed  out  to  us  how  fortunate  we 
were  in  having  our  lives  managed  for 


us  as  they  are  I 
touched ;  and  so,  I 
Heinrich. 


really    felt    quite 
think,   did    Ha  — 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


THE    REGIMENTAL    OUTCAST. 

[Passed  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  as  a 
further  proof  of  the  incredible  frivolity 
with  which  the  British  author  regards 
the  most  serious  and  vital  issues.] 

\VIIKN  the  horrid  thin<»  happened, 
you  could  hear  the  amazed  ripple  along 
the  lines,  and  a  minute  later  the  men 
were,  dismissed  by  a  stricken  Sergeant- 
major,  under  the  instructions  of  a  Cap- 
tain who  supported  the  Major  as  he  crept 
wearily  away  to  lot  the  Colonel  know. 

The  results  of  the  shock  will  be  far- 
reaching.  Though  enlightenment  is 
proceeding,  the  battalion  has  not  yet 
fully  realised  what  this  unprecedented 
tiling  may  mean  to  the  British  Army, 
where  anything  you  may  want  to  do 
can  be  stopped  by  rules — if  not  by  one, 
then  by  another. 

For  it  certainly  appears  that  this 
sad-faced  little  man  with  the  humour- 
less eyes  has  achieved  the  impossible, 
and  that  there  is  no  known  Army  law 
to  deal  with  his  case.  When  the  first 
horror  of  the  thing  struck  home,  some- 
thing perilously  like  a  panic  reigned  in 
high  circles.  The  calm  tapping  of  canes 
on  officers'  legs  became  an  agitated 
tattoo.  There  were  rumours  that  the 
Colonel  was  sitting,  sobbing  like  a  little 
child,  before  a  pile  of  twenty-five  futile 
books  of  regulations,  and  that  the  Major, 
broken-voiced,  was  endeavouring  to  per- 
suade him  to  postpone  his  resignation. 

Even  now  the  cause  of  all  the  trouble 
is  perpetually  engaged  with  a  crowd  of 
fierce  interlocutors.  A  dozen  times  a 
day  he  is  cross-examined  by  every  man 
with  a  possible  shadow  of  authority  over 
him  (including  the  cook,  who  is  re- 
ported to  have  purchased  a  significant- 
looking  phial).  Personally,  however,  I 
have  my  suspicions  about  the  whole 
business.  Yesterday,  some  time  fol- 
lowing a  particularly  riotous  court  of 
enquiry,  I  thought  I  recognised  the 
little  man's  voice  upraised  in  helpless 
laughter  from  the  rear  of  the  marquee. 
When  he  strolled  casually  to  dinner, 
however,  his  face  was  sad  as  of  yore. 
Doubtless  he  has  many  domestic  afflic- 
tions. 

I  suppose  I  must  tell  you  all.  On  a 
day  the  Major,  in  a  creditable  attempt 
to  vary  the  monotony  of  drills,  had 
spent,  fifteen  busy  minutes  in  recording 
the  various  religions  rife  amongst  the 
men.  Prouder  and  prouder  he  had 
grown  as  ho  worked  his  way  down  to 
our  one  Zionist  (who  admitted  after- 
wards that  lie  had  been  trying  to  recall 
the  name  of  his  religion  and  had  got 
desperate  at  the  finish);  then,  pink 
and  smiling,  ho  had  taken  that  false 
and  irrevocable  step.  Ho  became  the 
too-complete  official.  "  Any  man  not 
answered  '.'  "  he  inquired  jauntily.  And 
the  grave  little  man  had  stepped  out. 


THE    NEW    ORDER. 

Anglo-Prussian  Policeman  (to  low-class  tinging  person).  "  STOP  THAT  NOISE  1   A  SENSITIVE 

MUSICAL  FAMILY  RESIDES   CLOSE  BY." 


[Passed  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  as  typifying  the  respect  in  which  German 
Kultur  will  be  held  after  the  Conquest  of  England.] 


The  Major's  face  became  just  a  trifle 
apprehensive. 

"  Well,  my  man,"  he  said,  "  what  is 
your  religion  ?  " 

And  a  sad  still  voice  had  replied, 
"Mormon." 

&  ;;;  *  &  : 

Yesterday  we  beat  the  Engineers  on 
their  own  infamous  ground,  across 
which  they  prepare  concealed  trenches 
before  the  start  of  a  match.  Yet  all 
that  remains  certain  of  survival  is  that 
they  and  every  living  person  on  the 
ground  knew  us,  and  will  ever  know 
OB,  as  "the  Mormons." 

But  what  oppresses  the  Colonel  most 
is  the  horrid  suspicion  that,  before  the 
Mormon  can  be  church -paraded,  a 
March-party  will  have  to  be  sent  into 
the  "town  to  trace  his  wives.  Our 


youngest  sub,  unlike  his  seniors,  blushes 
hotly  at  the  mere  idea  that  he  might 
be  put  in  charge  of  this  light-skirmish- 
ing movement,  and  that  perchance  the 
sender  of  the  pink  envelopes  which 
arrive  every  other  day  might  get  to 
know  of  it. 

In  any  case,  as  matters  now  are,  there 
is  no  bright  spot  in  the  future  of  the 
battalion.  And,  though  the  Colonel  is 
a  simple,  kindly  man,  he  is  inviting 
the  War  Office  to  frame  a  regulation 
forbidding  all  Mormons  to  embrace  the 
life  military.  Probably  he  will  achieve 
this  by  pointing  out  the  painful  possi- 
bilities to  be  faced  by  those  responsible 
for  "  the  due  and  proper  payment  of 
Separation  Allowances  to  Dependants." 
That  is  the  way  things  are  done  in 
the  Army. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


[The  original  arrangement  of  these  two  figures  has   been   readjusted  by   the   Imperial  German  Censor  so  as  to  present 
truth  instead  of  falsehood.     The  legend  has  been  suppressed.] 


WAR-TIME    THRIFT. 

[Passed  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  as 
a  true  picture  of  the  terrible  straits  pro- 
duced in  England  by  the  German  sub- 
marine blockade.] 

A  HOUSEKEEPER,  writing  to  the 
Press  concerning  food  economy,  ad- 
vocates "  shopping  warily  "  and  look- 
ing for  "  food  bargains."  "  For  ex- 
ample," she  says,  "  one  day  last  week 
I  bought  for  casserole  cookery  three  old 
partridges  for  2s.  9rf.  the  three." 

Mi\  Punch  has  sounded  some  of  his 
correspondents  and  offers  their  further 
suggestions  for  war-time  saving  : — 

"  SPARTAN    MOTHER"    (Berkeley  i 
Square)  writes  : — It  is  astonishing  what ' 
bargains  can  be  picked  up  by  the  thrifty 
housewife.    Tradesmen  are  very  apt  to 
charge  people  according   to  their  ap- 
parent position  in  life.     I  am  saving 
many  shillings  a  week  by  slipping  out  in  ' 
the  late  evenings  in  a  skirt  and  blouse 
that  I  bought  for  Is.  Gd.  (secondhand,  of 
course)  in  a  little  shop  (recommended) 
in   Scroggin's   Rents,  Victoria    Street. 
A  shawl  instead  of  a  hat  is  worth  at 
least  twopence  in  the  pound  off  at  any 
butcher's  or  fishmonger's ;  and  a  pair 


of  side-spring  boots,  with  one  toe-cap 
split  (picked  up  ridiculously  cheap  in 
the  Edgware  Eoad),  have  saved  me 
their  cost  again  and  again.  I  get 
Porson  to  stop  the  car  just  outside 
popular  shopping  districts  in  the  even- 
ing and  then  set  forth  on  foot  with  two 
string  bags.  I  got  a  fine  old  cod  one 
night  in  the  Fulham  Eoad  for  a  mere 
song.  Old  eggs  are  still  obtainable, 
and  Saturday  night  just  towards  the 
closing  hour  is  a  great  time  for  all  sorts 
of  bargains  in  genuine  food  antiques. 

"PENNY  SAVED,  PENNY  EARNED' 'writes 
from  Peebles  : — Paradoxical  though  it 
may  sound,  entertaining  may  be  made 
to  reduce  the  household  bills  in  these 
times.  The  "quorum  tea,"  my  own 
invention,  is  an  excellent  idea.  You  in- 
vite your  friends  and  tell  them  that,  for 
an  amusing  war-time  social  novelty,  each 
guest  will  be  expected  to  bring  his  oi- 
lier own  bread,  butter,  cake,  jam,  knives 
and  spoons,  the  hostess  providing  the 
tea.  You  will  find  that  everybody  has 
a  tendency  to  bring  more  than  lie  or 
she  needs,  and  only  the  mean  and  par- 
simonious will  pack  up  and  take  away 
their  remnants.  My  last  quorum  tea 
resulted  in  nine  pounds  of  bread, 


broken  but  none  the  less  edible,  two 
ditto  mixed  jam,  fourteen  cakes,  as- 
sorted, and  two  spoons  and  one  knife, 
overlooked.  Dexterity  must  of  course 
be  used  to  avoid  "  return  "  invitations. 
"  WOMAN  OF  EESOURCE"  writes  from 
Hornsey : — All  the  houses  of  Jellicoe 
Gardens  (our  road)  are  built  alike.  At 
night  the  only  means  of  identifying  our 
home  is  the  illuminated  "Chatsworth" 
in  the  fanlight  over  the  front  door.  The 
amateur  and  late  war-time  deliveries  of 
the  tradespeople  have  inspired  us  with 
a  splendid  scheme  of  household  econ- 
omy. The  proceeding  is  exceedingly 
simple.  My  husband  ordered  (not  . 
locally)  about  a  dozen  swiftly  removable 
spare  fanlights.  We  have  chosen  names 
from  Jellicoe  Gardens,  "  Mon  Abri," 
"  L'.anystymdwy,"  "  Mandalay  "  and 
"The  Nasturtiums  "at  random;  "Porth- 
cawl  "  because  a  man  lives  there  whom 
my  husband  dislikes,  and  "  Capri  "  be- 
causo  the  people  there  (retired  from 
the  Sam  Browne  belt  trade)  are  reputed 
'  to  keep  a  lavish  table.  The  nightly 
bags  range  from  useful  assortments  of 
i  groceries  to  sirloins.  All  that  is  neces- 
sary is  to  remove  your  own  fanlight, 
I  fix  up  one  of  the  others  and  lie  in  wait 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


GERMANY    AND    THE    WORLD    WAR. 


NEW  IMPENDING  ALLIANCES. 
I. — WITH  PENGUINLAND  (ANTARCTIC  ZONE  OF  GERMAN  INFLUENCE). 


II. — WITH  THE  PICCANINNIES  (TROPIC  ZONE  OF  GEBMAH  INFLUENCE). 

[These  two  pictures,  in  spite  of   their  shocking  flippancy,  are  passed  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  as  a  confession  of  the 
compelling  fascination  which  the  glorious  German  offensive  exerts  in  the  remotest  quarters  of  the  globe.] 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


TRUTH    MIRRORED    IN    GERMAN    ART. 


THE    SURRENDER    OF    LONDON. 

THE  LORD  MA  YOB  HANDING  OVER  THE  KEYS  OP  THE  CITY. 

[This  admirable  forecast  by  a   Munich  artist,  with  its  lifelike  portraits  of  British  public  men,  has  besn  accepted  by  the 
Imperial  German  Censor  in  place  of  an  English  drawing  full  of  gross  inaccuracies.] 


for  the  deliveries.  Directly  they  are 
over,  you  change  back  again.  There  is, 
of  course,  a  great  deal  of  confusion 
caused,  but  there  are  quite  enough 
troubles  for  all  of  us  nowadays  without 
concerning  oneself  about  other  people's 
petty  local  disputes.  I  need  not  add 
that  the  darkening  of  the  streets  is 
particularly  helpful  to  the  scheme. 

"ADAPTABLE  "  writes  from  St.  Albans  : 
— Despite  the  straitened  times,  a 
great  many  people  refuse  to  give  up 
their  motors.  Have  they  practised  at 
least  one  counterbalancing  economy  by 
trying  "motor  kedgeree"?  My  husband 
and  I  are  still  running  our  little  two- 
seater,  but  we  make  it  pay  its  way  by 
contributions  to  the  larder.  It  is  only 
a  matter  of  skilful  driving  and  an 
observant  eye  for  the  roadside  fauna. 
Last  Saturday,  for  instance,  our  little 
car  bagged  a  Pekingese  (most  excellent 
eating),  four  frogs  (the  economical 
French  revel  in  them),  a  kitten  (quite  a 
rare  find),  and  two  fowls  (decrepit 
inly,  but  soluble  by  long  and  slow 
boiling).  Skin,  chop  up  small  (reserv- 
ing all  bones  for  stock -pot),  mix  all 
together,  add  condiments  (sparingly), 
boil  and  serve. 


MORAHT    ON    KIRKCALDY. 

["  In  order  that  Kirkcaldy  might  not  be 
regarded  as  a  fortified  town  by  the  Germans  in 
the  event  of  a  Zeppelin  attack,  the  Town 
Council  have  made  arrangements  for  the  re- 
moval of  the  obsolete  guns  which  form  part  of 
the  ornamentation  at  the  main  entrance  to 
Beveridge  Public  Park." — British  Press.~\ 

[The  following  article,  composed  by  the  well- 
known  German  military  critic,  Major 
Moraht,  appears,  by  order  of  the  Imperial 
German  Censor,  in  the  room  of  a  British 
article  in  which  the  methods  of  the 
German  Staff  are  ignorantly  ridiculed.] 

A  STUDY  of  the  latest  batch  of  English 
newspapers  to  hand  reveals  a  signifi- 
cant fact  of  more  far-reaching  import- 
ance than  the  news  from  any  of  our 
battle-fronts  this  week.  The  fortifi- 
cations of  Kirkcaldy  have  been  dis- 
mantled by  order  of  the  Burgomeistcr. 
Thus  at  last  we  have  concrete  and 
all-sufficient  proof  that  our  bomb- 
raining  Zeppelins  have  penetrated  to 
the  heart  of  Scotland  and  have  com- 
pleted the  military  mastery  of  the 
British  Isles,  while  England's  lurking 
fleet  looks  helplessly  on. 

Kirkcaldy — pronounced  KERKHODI — 
is  a  modern  ring  fortress  of  considerable 


power,  situated  on  one  of  the  lower 
spurs  of  the  Grampian  mountains.  It 
covers  the  main  line  of  the  Highland 
Railway,  while  at  the  same  time  itj 
situation  on  the  sea-board  gives  it  the 
key  to  the  defence  of  the  Forth 
Estuary.  Its  guns  (about  which  no 
precise  information  is  at  our  disposal) 
are  probably  of  302  MM.  They  are 
mounted  in  cupolas,  in  pairs.  It  is 
possible  that  the  fortress  may  not  have 
been  fully  munitioned  since  the  Wai- 
began,  but  there  can  be  no  doubt  that 
so  important  a  position  must  have 
been  held  by  a  considerable  garrison. 
It  is  interesting  to  recall  that  it  was  in 
pursuance  of  an  endeavour  to  shepherd 
his  opponent  into  this  fortress  that 
DUNDEE  fought  the  battle  of  Killie- 
krankie. 

The  General  Staff  has  long  ago  made 
us  familiar  witli  the  crumpling  up  of 
fortresses  before  the  onslaught  of  our 
all-shattering  howitzers,  but  this  is  the 
first  time  that  a  threat  from  the  air  has 
rendered  one  of  them  impotent ;  and  it 
is  in  itself  a  sufficient  answer  to  those 
among  us  who  have  harboured  ignoble 
doubts  as  to  the  ability  of  our  superb 
Zeppelins  to  force  a  decision. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


TRUTH    MIRRORED    IN    GERMAN    ART. 


.•• 

.      -, 


Tom  Atkins.  "  WELL,  JOCK,  HAST  THOU  j/.i.vr  OF  OUR  FOE  SLAIN?" 

Scotchlander  (who  has  not  already  to  the  battle-front  been).  "No,  TOM;   BUT  I  HAVE  O.VB  KILT"  (KILLED). 

This   picture,    supplied   by  a  well-known    Limburger   humourist,  who  is  also   responsible    for   Ihe  felicitous   legend,    has 
been  accepted  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  in  place  of  an  English  drawing  sadly  wanting  in  refinement.] 


After  Antwerp  —  Ivangorod  !  After 
Ivangorod — Kirkcaldy  ! 

Yet  it  must  not  be  supposed  that  the 
dismantling  of  a  fortress  is  equivalent 

in  a  military  sense — to  its  surrender. 
The  notion  of  the  Burgomeister  deserves 
mi  ignorant  contumely.  On  the  con- 
trary he,  has  acted  with  a  wisdom  and 
a  strict  regard  for  orthodox  military 
*iiy  too  rare  among  our  most- 
bated  enemies.  Recognising  that  he 
was  unable  to  defend  the  place,  he  has 
spared  the  inhabitants  the  horrors  of 
bombardment  by  rendering  Kirkcaldy 
an  open  town.  Naturally  our  so- 
liumane  and  ever-carefully-discrimin- 
ating Xeppelii;  Commanders  will  take 
cogni/ance  of  the  fact  and  we  may  be 
sure  that  Kirkcaldy  \sill  be  spared  (as 
is  possible)  while  1  o.nhs  rain 
indifferently  upon  the  neighbouring 
strongholds  of  Dunferrnline,  Oupar  and 
Kinross.  It  only  remains,  now  that 
Kirkcaldy  has  led  the  way,  for  London 
to  follow  suit ,  although  in  the  case  of  the 
Metropolis,  with  its  many  arsenals,  the 
evacuation  of  the  entire  civilian  popu- 
lation (as  wo  have  already  pointed  out) 
to  a  place,  of  safety  is  the  only  satis- 
factory course.  It  is  not  unlikely  that 


wo  shall  hear  before  long  that  the 
intention  is  to  transfer  the  population 
of  Landon  to  the  relatively  safe  refuge 
of  Kirkcaldy. 

So  far  we  have  assumel  that  the 
authorities  are  acting  in  good  faith,  .but 
experience  shows  that  in  dealing  with 
the  treacherous  British  it  is  well  always 
to  look  a  little  below  the  surface.  Kirk- 
caldy is  near  to  Dundee,  and  Dundee  is 
the  constituency  of  the  unspeakable 
CHURCHILL.  May  there  not  be  some 
deeper  motive  ?  Knowing  as  we  do 
that  the  whole  operations  of  the 
English  Army  are  hampered  and  ren- 
dered impotent  by  lack  of  artillery  it  is 
at  least  plausible  to  suggest  that  the 
inhabitants  of  Kirkcaldy  are  to  be  left 
to  their  fate  unprotected  (and  our  Zep- 
pelin Commanders  cannot  ba  expected 
to  differentiate  between  one  centre  of 
population  and  another,  so  long  as  the 
hostile  ruse  of  darkening  the  streets  is 
persisted  in)  in  order  that  the  waver- 
ing front  in  the  West  may  be  further 
bolstered  up.  \Yo  vent  tiro  to  predict 
that  even  now  our  brave  and  never-to- 
be-pusbed-back  soldiers  in  Flanders 
may  at  any  moment  be  subjected  to 
the  shell-tire  of  the  Kirkcaldy  guns. 


If  this  surmise  be  correct  it  is  but 
one  more  evidence  of  the  exhaustion 
of  our  most  implacable  foe,  who  must 
scrape  together  what  artillery  he  can, 
since  his  workmen  have  refused  to  work 
and  no  new  guns  can  be  constructed. 
It  is  not  unlikely  that  the  lurking  Fleet 
has  been  denudefl  in  the  same  way. 

One  other  piece  of  news  from  Scot- 
land. The  island  of  St.  Hilda — which 
lias  never  been  effectively  occupied  by 
Great  Britain — has  decided  to  remain 
aloof.  She  is  about  to  mobilize  to 
defend  her  neutrality. 


[The  following  paragraphs  are  passed  by  the 
Imperial  German  Censor  as  being,  to  all 
appearance,  harmless.] 

'•  •  M.iis.  messieurs,'  he  said  simply,  '  vous 
etes  Anglaises  ! '  We  could  neither  refuse  nor 
uiicli'ivive  such  courtesy  as  that." 

.Vcic  /.tcCand  Paper. 

In  fact  these  good -fellows  behaved  like 
perfect  ladies. 


"Stick  a  penny  stamp  on  your  symptoms, 
and  send  them  to  '  Our  Doctor.  '  '  '  —  The  Herald 


(irdti'ful  indent  :  "  Cured,  by  gum." 


Punch's    AlmanacR    for    1916. 


OUR    BOOKING    OFFICE. 

[By  the  Imperial  German  Censor's  Staff  of  Cultured  Clerks.] 

MUCH  have  I  travelled  in  the  realms  of  gold,  but  I  never 
remember  a  more  fascinating  volume,  to  bo  found  there 
than  the  Autobiography  <>/  ('mint  Zc/i/ii-lin.  The  great 
inventor,  who  is  modesty  itself,  tells  his  sweet  and  simple 
life-history  with  a  quiet  charm  all  his  own.  Born  seventy 
or  more  summers  ago,  lie  is  still  hale  and  robust,  and  sings 
the  "Hymn  of  Hate"  every  morning  in  a  robust  tenor, 
while  taking  his  bath.  All  these  years  he  has  devoted  him- 


-  A  cordial  greeting  is  due  to  the  noble  treatise  of  Dr. 
Scliliinin,  of  Gottingen,  on  The  Righteousness  of  Unit',  which 
he  proves  to  ho  an  altogether  noble  emotion  when  prompted 
by  a  pure  devotion  to  the  Fatherland.  It  is  thus,  in  fact, 
an  integral  part  of  the  highest  and  truest  form  of  love,  and 
is  therefore  indistinguishable  from  it.  Love  is  only  possible 
when  the  object  of  love  is  lovable.  Where  it  is  otherwise, 
as  in  the  case  of  persons  and  peoples  who  are  radically  evil 
and  malignantly  arrayed  against  the  all-lovable  Germany, 
it  is  automatically  transformed  to  a  burning  and  righteous 
hate.  Altogether  this  is  n  worthy  product  of  the  rich  and 


self  to  perfecting  his  great  idea,  which  came  to  him  one  day  j  generous  intellect  of  its  distinguished  author.     It  will  serve 

as  he  gazed  upon  a  Lcbeririti'xt  so  ripe  with  age,  so  active  in  as  an  effective  antidote  to  the  false  humanitarianism  of  the 

its  maturity,  that  it  soared  into  the  crnpyre.in  on  ils  own.   few  sentimentalists  who  discredit  their  country. 

By  day  inventing,  by  night  poring  over  maps  of  the  Eastern  I  z===^== 

Counties  of  England,  he  came  at  length  to  complete  fruition  ; 

and  it  is  as  the  sweetest  little  cherub  that  ever  sat  up  aloft 

that  he  will  be  known  to  posterity. 


MUSICAL    NOTE. 

[Contributed  by.  a  Leipzig  critic.     By  Command.] 

A  HITTER  disappointment  is  felt  by  all  true-hearted  Ger- 
A  sumptuous  album  of  designs  for  the  rebuilding  of  the  mans  at  RICHARD  STHAUSS'S  choice  of  a  subject  for  his  new 


English  cathedrals  bears 
the  honoured  name  of 
Professor  Steinklopfer,  but 
it  is  an  open  secret  that 
this  timely  reminder  of  our 
reconstruction  duties 
emanates  from  a  more 
august  source.  In  tl^eir 
complete  detachment  from 
the  vicious  traditions  of 
medievalism  these  designs 
are  wholly  admirable. 
They  breathe  the  true 
spirit  of  modern  Germany, 
robust  yet  ornate,  flam- 
boyant but  solid.  No 
more  effective  way  of 
eradicating  the  taint  of 
insular  exclusiveness  from 
our  new  provinces  could 
be  devised  than  the  carry- 
ing out  of  these  noble 
designs.  In  an  inter- 
estiag  appendix  I  find  a 
scheme  for  the  remodelling 
of  the  National  Gallery, 


THOUGHTS    THAT    KILL. 

GEBMAN  PROFESSOR  OF  CUEJIISTRY  THINKING  OUT  A  NEW  POISON-GAS. 

[Passed  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  as  an   admissible  compli- 
ment to  German  science.] 


with  a  special  central  hall  designed  as  a  setting  for  the 
greatest  art  treasure  in  existence,  the  wax  bust  of  Flora, 
which,  after  the  conquest  of  England,  is  to  serve  as  an 
object-lesson  in  German  taste  and  connoisseurship. 

I  cannot  sufficiently  express  my  gratitude  to  Professor 

Stosch,  of  Tubingen,  for  his  charming  study  of  the  CROWN 

PRINCK.     From  winsome  childhood  to  stalwart  maturity  the 

heir  to  the  Imperial  Throne  is  brought  vividly  before  us  in 

his  true  colours,  with  his  love  of  sport  and  literature,  his 

passion  for  collecting,  and  his  unaffected  piety.     Professor 

Stosch  points  out  thai  during  the  CROWN  I'KINCK'S  visit  to 

India    he    was    never    imposed    upon    by    the   treacherous 

hospitality  of  his  hosts,    hut   maintained    a   dignified    and 

KJUfl    independence.      It    is    also   shown    that,   though 

differing  slightly  in  build  and  profile  from  MARTIN  hri  IIKU, 

blesthal  ^rent  champion  of  German  Cbris- 

ti.-mily   in  his   fearlessness   and    simplicity.      If   I   have    a 

criticism  to  make,  it  is  that  the  author  has  not  sufficiently 

emphasised  the  true  modesty  of  the  CROWN  PRINCE.     Only 

a  finely-tempered    and     self-effacing   commander  could   so 

effectively  have  kept  out  of  the  limelight  as   bis   troops 

passed  on  from  one  advance  to  another,  always  hearing 

tiie  call  of  the  Fatherland  nearer  and  nearer. 


symphony.  By  a  strange 
paradox  he  who  was  so 
often  happily  inspired  by 
NIETZSCHE  in  peace-time, 
who  glorified  the  superman 
and  portrayed  the  joys  of 
battle  in  his  Hcldenli'lien, 
has  now,  in  the  midst  of 
war,  been  moved  to  por- 
tray the  charms  of — Alpine 
scenery.  The  contrast  is 
indeed  painful,  for  Switzer- 
land is  the  home  of  cold- 
blooded neutrality,  of  frosi 
and  eternal  snow,  poles 
apart  from  the  warm- 
blooded humanity  of  the 
German  race.  We  fear 
that  our  RICHARD  may 
have  been  influenced  by 
.he  flattery  lavished  on 
him  by  the  perfidious 
English,  and  the  degres 
conferred  by  the  infamous 
University  of  Oxford.  But 
;here  is  still  time  for  him 


to  make  amends  by  a  Tv4wm.phlied  on  the  sinking  of  the 
Lusitania  or  a  Faan  on  the  righteous  destruction  of  Louvain. 

THE    CHARGE. 

[Passed  by  the  Imperial  German  Censor  as  a  further  example  of 
the  incredible  levity  of  the  Eritish  Soldier.] 

\\  UK  RE  the  clouds  of  the  poison-gas  stifle  and  slay, 
Behind  them  come  pouring  the  Huns  to  the  fray; 
Packed  rank  after  rank  like  long  wave  after  wave, 
They  hearten  their  courage  by  snouting  this  stave — 

"  Deutschland  ii!/cr  Allcs  !  " 
The  gallant  and  glorious  soldiers  of  France, 
When  the  bugle-call  sounds  for  the  longed-for  advance, 
Set  flame  to  their  patriot  bloc-d  with  the  call 
That  bids  them  in  vengeance  to  conquer  or  fall — 

"  Vaincre  ou  Mourir  !  " 

But  see !  from  their  trenches  the  Englishmen  burst ; 
Like  hounds  over  fallow  they  stream  to  be  first  ; 
Not  of  England  or  Glory  or  Death  is  their  strain, 
Their  battle-cry  rings  in  the  deathless  refrain — 

"  Early  Doors,  Sixpence  !  " 

%crc  citus  tfrc  censored  issue  of  "  $mtrb." 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


Toiniin/  (to  new  arrival  at  prisoners'  camp).  "  WHAT  WAS  TOCB  OCCUPATION  ? ' 
German.  "  ABMY  BUTCHEB." 

Tommy.    "CATTLE  OB  BABIES?" 


Ex-Policeman  (recognisiny  a  peace-time  acquaintance).  "  LUMMB  I    IT'S  YOU,  IB  IT?    STILL  SSKAKIN' ABAHT,  ABE  YEB?    I  RKCOLLKCT 
RNIN'  YOU  SOMI-:  TIMI;  BACK  ABAHT  LOITKHIN"  IM  TIII-:  FTLHAM  ROAD!" 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


ALLITERATION    FOR    ALLEMANDS. 


ONE    OMNIPOTENT   OBERBURGOMEISTEB 
OVERFLOWING    OSTEND. 


TWO  TRIUMPHANT  TIPPLERS  TOASTING 
"  TAGS." 


THREE  TBUSTIKG  TURKS  TRYING  TO 
TEUTONISE. 


FOUR  FEABSOME  FORBEARS   FRIGHTENING   FATHER, 


FIVE   FAR-SIGHTED   FATHEP.LANDEr.S   FORAGING    IN   FLAXHEI'.S. 


SIX    SVELT  SUBOHDINATES    SALUTING    SoiIEBODT. 


Punch's    AlmanacR    for    1916. 


ALLITERATION    FOR    ALLEMANDS. 


SEVEN  SATURATED  SUBMARINERS  STRAFING  SANDBANKS. 


ElGST  ELEMENTAL   EATERS   ENJOYING   ELYSIUM. 


NINE  NEUROTIC  NOBLEMEN  NEGOTIATING  KEUTIIALITY. 


TI.N  TOBTUOUB  TEUTONS  TELEGRAPHING  TOSH. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


2L±: — 


ENGLAND    UNDER    THE    HUN. 

DISASTROUS  RESULT  OP  ATTEMPT  OF  GERMAN  OFFICER  TO  "IMPORT  THE  GOOSESTEP. 


V 


DISCIPLINE    IN    THE    WEST    INDIES. 

"WHEN   I  TELLS  YER  'STAND   EASY,'   THEN  YEB  STANDS   EASY,  AND  YER  CAN  WIPE   YER  FAC3S  AND   SCRATCH   YER3ELVES  J    BUT   WIIKN 

I  ONLY  SAYS  'STAND  AT  EASE'  YER  MUSTN'T  MOVE— NOT  EVEN  IP  A  LION  BITES  YER." 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


HINTS    TO    PATRIOTS    ON    PHYSICAL    DEVELOPMENT. 


Til!-:    IOKA  OK  THE  BED  CROSS  DOLL  AND  ExKRCISEB 
COMBINED  MIGHT   BE  EXTENDED. 


THE  UMBHELLA  SPIRAL  SPRING  DEVELOPEB. 


Tin:  VANITY  BAG  SKIPPING  Eoi'K. 


THE  TEAPOT  AND  SUGAR-BASIN  DUMBBELL. 

\ 


THE  COLLAR  STUD  ELASTIC  ATTACHMENT. 


AND  THE  FOUNTAIN  PEN  FILLER. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


PRUSSIANISED    SPORT. 


THE  KBUPPS'  LONG  DRIVER  APPARATUS. 


'  HATE  "  ON  THE  GREEN. 


THE  NEW  POTSDAM  PUTTING. 


KICK  YOUB  OPPONENT  IN  THE   STOMACH  AND — 


— HE  WON'T   KNOW   HOW   YOU   HOLED  OUT. 


HAXDY  MAGNET  FOB  DRAWING  BALL  FROM  BAD  LIE. 


DEALING  WITH  A  CADDY  WHO  WILL  HAND  YOU  THE  WRONG  CLUB. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


PRUSSIANISED    SPORT. 


ASPHVXIATIOS   ON  THE  FOOTBALL  FlELD. 


To  BBJOHTEN   CalCKET.      THE  EXPLOSIVE  BALL. 


TOBPEDOISO  SALMOS  is  THE  HIGHLANDS. 


Punch's    Almanack    for    1916. 


CARRY    ON  ! 


.UM-UIY  5,  1910.] 


OK  TIIK  LONDON  <  IIAKIYAKI. 


RESOLUTIONS. 
1  Wttt  in*!   hi-eakfast  in  my  lied 
\Yith  downy  ctisliions  at  my  head; 
That  would  he  very  wrong  —  and  so 
\\v:i\  tiu>  i  '-v;s  and  bacon  go  ! 


I  will  not  read  in  bed  at  night 
And  burn  the  dear  electric  light  ; 
Nor  buy  another  costly  hat; 
Oh  no  !  I  'm  much  too  good  for  that. 

-But    1  will  rise  before  the  dawn 
And  weed  and  cut  and  roll  the  lawn  ; 


My  border  I  will  plant  with  veg, 
Abundantly  from  hedge  to  hedge. 

And  all  the  day  I  '11  practise  thrift 
And  no  more  happily  will  drift 
In  deeper  debt,  as  once,  alas  ! 
— But  what  an  awful  year  I  '11  pass. 

The  Art  of  Sinking. 

"Altogether  \VP  sunk  one  gunlxiat,  five 
st. Miners  (one  of  3,000  tons),  and  17  lar^e 
sailing  ships,  three  train-;.  ami  one  railway 


Very  Light  Marching  Order. 
From    a   notice    issued    to   recruits 
for  the   New   Zealand    Expeditionary 
Force : — 

"  You  should  report  wearing  a  pair  of  ser- 
viceable boots,  and  bring  with  you  your  toilet 
outfit — no  additional  clothing  is  required." 


"In  a  conversation  with  members  of  the 
Press  Mr.  Ford  said  now  was  the  time  for 
peace  on  the  basis  of  the. flatus  guoanli  bcltum. 

tch 


kment."- --Mum -ih^t, r  < innrtliin.  I  He  always  spells  it  that  way. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY    5,    1916. 


AN    ILL-USED    AUTHOR. 

"I  GATHER,  Sir,"  remarked  my  fellow-traveller,  after  I 
uul  put  away  the  writing-blcck  on  which  I  had  been 
jotting  down 'the  outline  of  an  article,  "that  you  are  a 
itcrary  man,  like  myself?" 

\\V~were  the  only  occupants  of  a  compartment  in  a 
1..  X  N.NY.R.  carriage.  I  had  been  too  absorbed  till  then 
to  nodes  his  appearance,  but  I  now  observed  that  he  had 
rather  unkempt  hair,  luminous  eyes,  and  a  soft  hut.  Oh, 
well."  I  admitted,  "  I  write." 

"  But  I  take  it  that,  whatever  you  write,  it  is  not  poetry, 
he  said.     What  led  him  to  this  inference  I  cannot  say,  but 
[  had  to  confess  that  it  was  correct. 

"  Still,  even  though  you  are  not  a  Poet  yourself,  I  hope,  ' 
he  said,  "you  can  feel  some  sympathy  for  one  who  has 
jeen  so  infamously  treated  as  I  have." 

I  replied  that  I  hoped  so  too. 

"  Then,  Sir,"  said  he,  "  I  will  tell  you  my  unhappy  story. 
At  the  beginning  of  this  War  I  was  approached  by  certain 
Railway  magnates  who  shall  be  nameless.  It  appeared 
that  they  bad  realised,  very  rightly,  that  their  oflicial 
notices  were  couched  in  too  cold  and  formal  a  style  to 
reach  the  heart  of  their  public.  So  they  commissioned  me 
to  supply  what  I  may  term  the  human  touch.  As  a  poet, 
I  naturally  felt  that  this  could  only  be  effectively  done 
through  the  medium  of  verse.  Well,  I  rose  to  the  occasion, 
Sir ;  I  produced  some  lines  which,  printed  as  they  were 
written,  must  infallibly  have  placed  me  at  the  head  of  all 
of  my  contemporaries.  But  they  were  not  printed  as  they 
were  written.  In  proof  of  which  I  will  trouble  you  to  read 
very  carefully  the  opening  paragraph  of  those  '  Defence  of 
the  Eealm  Regulations  '  immediately  above  your  head  .  .  . 
Only  the  opening  paragraph  at  present,  please ! ' 

I  was  somewhat  surprised,  but,  thinking  it  best  to 
humour  him,  I  read  the  first  sentence,  which  was:  "In 
vino  of  possible  attack  by  hostile  aircraft,  it  is  necessary 
that  the  blinds  of  all  trains  should  be  k?pt  down  after 
sunset,"  and  gave  him  my  opinion  of  it. 

"  Whether,"  he  said,  with  some  acerbity,  "  it  is  or  is  not 
as  lucidly  expressed  as  you  are  pleased  to  consider,  only  the 
beginning  of  it  is  mine.  This  is  what  I  actually  wrote : — 

"  '  In  view  of  possible  attack 

By  hostile  aircraft  overhead, 
'Tis  necessary  now,  alack  ! 

Soon  ae  old  Sol  has  sought  his  bad, 
That  those  who  next  the  window  sit, 

Though  they  'd  prefer  to  watch  the  gloaming, 
Should  draw  the  blind,  nor  leave  a  slit, 

Keeping  it  down  until  they  're  homing, 
Else  on  the  metals  will  be  thrown 

A  glowing  trail  as  from  a  comet, 
And  Huns  to  whom  a  train  is  shown 

Will  most  indubitably  bomb  it ! ' 

"  That,"  he  observed  complacently,  "  is  not  only  verse  o 
the  highest  order,  but  clearly  conveys  the  reason  for  sucl 
precautions,  which  the  official  mind  chose  to  cut  out.  Anc 
now  let  me  ask  you  to  read  the  next  paragraph."  I  did  so 
"At  night-time  when  the  blinds  are  drawn,"  it  ran,  "pas 
scngers  are  requested  before  alii/hting  to  make  surz  ichen  tht 
train  stops  that  it  is  at  the  platform." 

"  Which,"  he  cried  fiercely,  "  is  their  mangled  and  muti 
lated  version  of  this  : — 

"  '  At  night-time  when  the  blinds  are  drawn 
(As  screens  against  those  devils'  spawn, 
Which  love  the  gloom,  but  dread  the  dawn), 

A  train  may  be  at  standstill, 
Then  we  request  'twill  not  occur 
That  same  impatient  passenger, 
Whose  nerves  are  in  a  chronic  stir, 
And  neither  feet  nor  hands  still, 


Without  preliminary  peep 
Will  forth  incontinently  leap, 
Alighting  in  a  huddled  heap 
To  lie,  a  limp  or  flat  form, 
In  some  inhospitable  ditch. 
If  not  on  grittier  ballast,  which 
(The  darkness  far  surpassing  pitch) 

He  took  to  be  the  platform  !  ' 

'As  to  the  next   paragraph,"   he  continued,   "I  don't 
omplain  so  much,  though,  personally,  I  consider  '  Extract 
mm  Order  made  by  the  Secretary  of  State  for  the  Home 
Department '  a  very  poor   paraphrase  of  the    resounding 
ouplet  in  which  I  introduced  him  : — 

"  '  Now  speaks  in  genial  tones,  from  heart  to  heart  meant, 

The  Secretary  for  the  Home  Department  1 ' 

I  could  have  overlooked  that,  Sir,  if  they  had  retained 

he  lines  I  had  written  for  him.     But  they  've  only  let  him 

peak  the  first  four  words — 'Passengers  in  Railway  Car- 

•iagcs  ' — and  then  drivel  on  thus  :  '  which  are  provided  with 

linds   must    keep   the   blinds   covered   so   as    to   cover  the 

.jindmos' — a  clumsy  tautology,  Sir,  for  which  I  am  sure  no 

Home  Secretary  would  care  to  be  held  responsible,  and 

rom  which  I  had  been  at  some  pains  to  save  him,  as  you 

(lay  judge  when  I  read  you  the  original  text : — 

"  '  Passengers  in  railway  carriages 

Possess  a  sense  which  none  disparages ; 

So  those  who  are  not  perverse  or  froward 

May  be  trusted  to  see  that  the  blinds  are  lowered, 

To  cover  the  windows  so  totally 

That  no  one  inside  can  be  seen,  or  see. 

Mem. — This  need  not  be  done,  as  lately  decided, 

If  blinds  for  the  windows  have  not  been  provided.' 

"But,"  he  went  on,  "the  deadliest  injury  those  infernal 
officials  reserved  for  the  last.     If  you  read  the  concluding 
,entence,  Sir,  you  will  observe  that  it  begins  :  '  The  blinds 
nay  be  lifted  in  case  of  necessity  !'     (That,  I  need  hardly 
say,  is  entirely  my  own.     There  is  a  sort  of  inspired  swing 
n  it,  the  true  lyrical  lilt  with  which  even  red-tape  has  not 
lared  to  tamper !     But  mark  how  they  go  on) :  '  ivhen  the 
rain  is  at  a  standstill  at  a  station,  but,  if  lifted,  they  must 
be  lowered  again  before  the  train  starts.'    And  this  insuffer- 
able bathos,  forsooth,  was  substituted  for  lines  like  these  : — 
"  '  The  blinds  may  be  lifted  in  case  of  necessity  ; 
Thus,  if  the  train  at  a  station  should  halt, 
And  the  traveller  hears  not  its  name,  nor  can  guess  it,  he 
Cannot  be  held  to  commit  any  fault, 
Still  farther  be  fined, 
Should  he  pull  up  the  blind 
Out  of  mere  curiosity  :  had  he  not  looked 
He  might  miss  the  station  for  which  he  had  booked  ! ' 

"  Well,"  he  concluded,  "  that  is  my  case.  But  I  can 
never  put  it  before  the  public  myself.  My  pride  would  not 
permit  me.  Though,  if  someone — yourself,  for  instance — 
would  present  my  claims  to  redress — 

I  couldn't  help  thinking  that  he  had  been  hardly  treated, 
and  so  I  undertook  to  do  what  I  could  for  him.  He  gave 
me  his  verses,  also  his  name,  which  latter  I  have  unfor- 
tunately forgotten.  However,  I  hope  I  have  redeemed  my 
promise  here  in  other  respects. 

There  are  times  when  I  wonder  uneasily  whether  ho  may 
not  have  been  pulling  my  leg.  But,  after  all,  he  could  have 
had  no  possible  object  in  doing  that.  Besides,  if,  the  next 
time  you  travel  by  the  L.  &  N.-\V.,  you  will  study  the 
printed  instructions  in  your  compartment,  I  fancy  you  will 
agree  with  me  that  they  corroborate  his  statements  to  a 
rather  remarkable  extent.  F.  A, 


A  Christmas  Trifle. 

"  Some  stale  sponge  cake  is  cut  in  slices  less  than  an  inch  thick, 
and  these  are  spread  generously  with  jam  and  arranged  on  a  crystal 
dish,  blanched  and  chopped  with  Clara  and  Jo  and  all  their  young 
cousins." — The  Bulletin. 


PUNCH,  OB  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI.— JANUARY  5,  1916. 


THE   RUSH   TO   SALONIKA. 

\VM.HF.I.M  AND  FEAK/C  JOSKI-H.  "FKRDIE,    THE    POST    OF    HONOI'U    IS    YOURS." 
K.  "YOU    CAN    HAVE    IT." 


JANUARY  5,  1916.] 


PUNCH,  OK  TIIK  LONDON  CIIAIMVAIM. 


Fair  Hostess  (entertaining  wounded  soldier).  "AND  so  ONE  JACK  JOHNSON  BURIED  YOU,  USD  THE  NEXT  DUO  YOU  UP  AGAIN  AND 

LANDED   YOU  ON  THE  TOP  OP  A   BABX  1      NOW,    WHAT    M'KRE  YOUR   FEELINGS?" 

Tommy.  "  IF  YOU'LL  BELIEVE  ME,  MA'AM,  I  WAS  NEVKB  MORE  SURPRISED  IN  ALL  MY  LIFE." 


INTEENATIONAL  RELATIONS. 

IT  has  come  as  an  immense  relief  to 
all  true  lovers  of  peace  to  learn  that 
such  German  soldiers  as  have  been 
taking  part  in  the  war  on  the  Italian 
frontier  have  previously  resigned  their 
positions  in  the  KAISER'S  army  and 
heen  re-enrolled  under  the  Austrian 
lla^,  so  that  no  untoward  incident 
may  disturb  the  profound  peace  which 
exists  between  Germany  and  Italy. 
All  the  same  there  are  elements  of 
possible  danger  in  the  situation  which 
should  bo  carefully  watched.  We  look 
forward  to  a  time  when  our  gallant 
ally  may  be  confidently  expected  to 
advance  on  to  German  soil,  and  we 
think  it  would  be  well  for  the  author- 
ities at  Rome  (unless  the  invading  host 
is  provided  with  Montenegrin  uniforms) 
to  serve  out  beforehand  a  large  number 
of  toiu'ist  coupons,  available  over  a 
wide  choice  of  different  routes.  This 
might  avert  the  terrible  consequences 
that  are  likely  to  follow  a  breach  of 
relations. 

Of  course  it  must  be  remembered 
that  Italy  has  now  signed  on  not  to 
enter  into  a  separate  peace,  and  no 
doubt  the  only  true  economy  is  to 
make  the  present  one  go  as  far  as 
possible,  as  it  cannot  bo  replaced. 


Still,  since  the  sinking  of  the  Ancona 
by  a  German  crew  (partially  white- 
washed so  as  to  look  like  Austrians), 
Italy's  neutrality  has  become  of  an 
extremely  virulent  order. 

We  need  hardly  say  that  President 
WILSON  even  on  his  honeymoon  is 
closely  watching  the  situation  and 
thinking  over  it  very  deeply,  very 
slowly  and  very  calmly,  hoping  to  dis- 
cover hints  for  his  own  future  guidance. 
It  is  said  that  he  feels  himself  being 
drawn  more  and  more  into  the  vortex, 
and  his  attitude  of  passive  belligerency 
may  be  followed  by  one  of  aggressive 
non-interference.  It  is  common  know- 
ledge in  Washington  that  if  he  can  get 
no  satisfaction  on  the  Ancona  question 
he  will  either  despatch  a  new  note 
(which  will  be  almost  an  ultimatum) 
or  simply  pass  on  and  declare  war  on 
Albania. 

Portugal  (as  the  ancient  ally  of 
Great  Britain),  who  has  already  been 
involved  in  a  scrap  with  German  troops 
in  Angola,  is  naturally  deeply  exercised 
as  to  what  are  her  present  relations 
with  Turkey.  The  matter  is  an  urgent 
one  and  might  become  crucial  in  the 
!  event  of  a  Turkish  Zeppelin  drifting  in 
a  fog  over  Portuguese  territory. 

The  King  of  GREECE  is  said  to  have 
found  a  happy  solution  of  his  difficulty 


about  a  Bulgarian  invasion  of  Greece. 
The  incoming  forces  are  to  be  provided 
with  return  tickets  to  Salonika  and 
back,  available  only  for  forty-five  days, 
and  containing  a  stipulation  that  the 
traveller  may  not  break  his  journey  at 
!  any  other  point. 

"FOR  THIS   RELIEF " 

(Suggested  by  the  poster  commending  a 
recent  Revue  as  "  the  last  word  in 
syncopation.") 
THE  days  of  our  mourning  are  ended, 

The  lean  years  of  famine  are  fled, 
When,  sick  for  a  spoonful  of  aught  that 

was  tuneful, 

We  've  son-owed  as  over  the  dead 
For  Music,  forlorn  and  unfriended, 

Gone  down  into  glimmerless  gloom, 
While    rude   "  rag-time "   revels    were 
dancing  a  devils' 
Tattoo  on  her  tomb. 

A  new  dawn  of  promise  doth  redden 

The  rim  of  our  Stygian  night ; 
Our  bondage  is   breaking — 0   blessed 

awaking 

To  melody  merry  and  bright ! 
My  heart,  long  o'erloaded  and  leaden, 
Now  bounds  to  the  blue  like  a  bird ; 
The  shadow  has  shifted  ;    with  paean 
uplifted 

I  hail  that  "last  word"! 


PUNCH,   OR   TIIK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  5,  1916. 


other   people   to  be  King  of   Ireland.        Wo     understand     that     since     the 

CHARIVARIA.  They  are   very  brave,  some  of  them, !  entrance-fee   was   suspended   and   the 

LI:\P  Yi:\ii  ANTICIPATIONS. — A  fine  and    are   so   called   after    St.  Patrick,  |  subscription  reduced,   the  Automobile 

spring  is  expected  in  France,  Flanders  who   is   Ireland's   private   saint.      The  |  Club  lias  increased  its  membership  SO 

and   Poland.     If   the  weather   is  pro-  patriots  who  are  brave  make  splendid  j  largely  that  the  Committee  are  thinking 

pitious  a  total  eclipse  will  ba  visible  soldiers.      The  patriots    who   are 

in  Berlin  and  Vienna.  brave  go  to  America." 


not   of  re-naming  it  the  Omnibus. 


Asked  by  some  American  journalists  ••  Lord  KITCHENER,  who  has  a  choice 
where  the  Peace  Conference  would  be  '  collection  of  old  china,  has  lately  added 
held,  Dr.  SVEN  HEDIN  is  reported  to  to  it  several  line  specimens  of  Crown 
have  said,  "  Peace  will  be  dictated  from  Derby.  ...  * 

Berlin."     And  so  say  all  of  us ! 

So     many     Parliamentarians     have 

Eelations  between  Potsdam  and  Sofia  recently  requested  the  Treasury  to  stop 
are  said  to  be  badly  strained. 
Three  days  after  the  KAISER  had 
issued  his  celebrated  manifesto, 
"  To  my  noble  and  heroic  Serbian 
people,"  FERDINAND  in  the  So- 
branje  was  publicly  denouncing 
the  Serbians  as  obstinate,  treach- 
erous, and  tyrannical.  The  KAISER 
considers  this  conduct  extremely 
tactless,  and  threatens,  if  it  con- 
tinues, to  spell  Bulgarian  with  a 
"  V." 

'":;:'" 

All  hitherto-published  explana- 
tions of  the  threatened  German 
attack  on  the  Suez  Canal  are 
hereby  cancelled.  The  fact  is  that 
the  KAISER'S  fleet  is  increasing  so 
rapidly  that  it  has  outgrown  its 
present  accommodation. 

During  the  visit  of  Mr.  FORD'S 
Ark  to  Bergen  the  following 
notice  was  posted  up  at  the 
Grand  Hotel : — "  All  members  of 
the  Henry  Ford  Peace  Expedition 
are  requested  to  call  for  their 
laundry  at  the  Grand  Hotel, 
Room  408,  Tuesday  evening  after 
supper.  This  notice  supersedes 
the  original  plan  to  have  the 
laundry  delivered  to  each  indi- 
vidual hotel."  It  may  also  explain 
why  the  members  of  the  expedi-  ' 
tion  have  since  washed  their  dirty 
linen  in  public.  ...  ... 

Some  of  the  pilgrims  on  the  Oscar  II. 
were  much  annoyed  at  the  prohibition 
of  card-playing  on  board.  "  What  is 
the  use,"  they  asked,  "  of  crying  Pax 
when  there  are  none?" 

*  " 

Some  strait-laced  Conservatives,  who 
were  a  little  shocked  to  see  the  an- 
nouncement of  "  Mr.  Balfour  on  the 
Film,"  were  comforted  on  its  being 
pointed  out  to  them  that  Mr.  CHAPLIN 
set  him  the  example. 


A  conversation  in  the  trendies  : — - 
Private  Dougal  McTaci/th  (late  of  the 
Alberta  Police)  :  "  Mon,  in  ma  section 
'tis  aften  fafty  degrees  below  zero.    But, 
bless  ye,  'tis  dry  cold,  ye  '11  never  feel  it." 
L.G.  OiKen   Tyrrell  (late  of  Carpen- 
taria Telegraphs)  :    "  Down-under  it  is 


usually  125  in  the  shade.     But  thin  it 


is  dry  heat,  you  arc  niver  sinsible 
of  ut." 

Corpl.  James  Brown  (late  Train 
Conductor,  Vancouver)  :  "  In  B.C. 
we  stake  upon  312  to  314  rainy 
days  in  the  year.  But  it  is  dry 
rain,  it  don't  wet  you." 

In  an  article  on  the  employment 
of  women  as  dentists,  the  writer 
says :  "  A  new  charm  has  been 
added  to  the  delights  of  dentistry." 
Optimist !  ...  ... 


He  also  says  that  one  lady 
"  extracted  38  teeth  from  nine 
patients,  and  showed  little  signs 
of  fatigue  from  it,  either."  But 
what  about  the  nine  '? 


THE  NEW  LEAF. 

FANCY  PORTRAIT  OF  PRUSSIAN  POET  PREPARING  TO 
WRITE  A  HYMN  OP  LOVE — IN  CASE  IT  SHOULD  BE 

WANTED. 


* 

We  observe  that  Mr.  PEARCE, 
the  Commonwealth  Minister  of 
Defence,  fell  while  in  his  garden 
and  broke  two  of  his  ribs,  but  are 
glad  to  learn  that  his  condition 
is  not  serious.  The  conjunction 
of  a  rib,  a  garden,  and  a  fall  has 
in  at  least  one  previous  case  re- 

sulted in  permanent  injury. 
*  ••:• 

A  mai'tyr  to  insomnia  threatens, 
unless  the  Government  stops  the 
whistling  for  taxis,  to  let  Mr. 
McKuxNA  whistle  for  his. 


A  ten- year-old  girl's  essay  on  "  Patri- 
otism "  : — "  Patriotism  is  composed  of 
patriots,  and  they  are  people  who  live 
in  Ireland  and  want  Mr.  Redmond  or 


sending  them  their  £400  a  year  that 
a  slight  change  in  the  designation  of 
the  others  is  suggested — P.M.  (Paid 
Member)  instead  of  M.P. 

*  * 

A  soldier's  letter :  "DEAR  Sis, — You 
ask  what  I  want — well,  for  Heaven's 
sake  send  us  a  barber !    You  never  saw 
such  heads  in  your  life  as  we  'vo  got. 
Lovingly,      BOB. 

P.S. — Failing  a  barber  send  us  a  box 
of  hair-pins."  ...  ... 

Is  it  true  that  while  the  Cliff  Hotel 
at  Gorleston  was  blazing  furiously 
during  the  gale  last  week  a  zealous 
official  went  up  to  the  unfortunate 
proprietor  and  threatened  him  with 
pains  and  penalties  for  allowing  a 
naked  light  to  be  seen  far  out  at  sea? 


Our 


men    in 


the 


trendies  are   be- 


ginning to  welcome  the  German  gas- 
attacks.  They  say  there  is  nothing 
like  them  for  keeping  down  the  rats. 

•!•     :i' 
* 

Suggested  motto  for  the  controversy 
between  the  headmasters  as  to  the 
publication  of  Public  School  Rolls  of 
Honour — "  Quot  dominies  tot  scnt- 
fiititf." 


Note. 

The  "  Wingfield  House  "  mentioned 
in  the  article  "  Cases,"  which  appeared 
in  Punch  a  fortnight  ago,  was  a  purely 
imaginary  name  and  had  nothing  to  do 
with  the  Wingfield  House,  near  Trow- 
bridge,  where  a  hospital  has  for  some 
time  been  established. 


JANUARY  5,  191(5.] 


PUNCH,  OR   T1IK   LONDON    rilAIMVAIM. 


Jiirenile  War  Lord.  "  'F.UE !     SOMEONE  KLSE  'AVE  A  GO— I 'M  SICK  o"  WAR.     IT  AIN'T  IN  BEASOU  TEB  EXPECT  A  BLOKE  TEB  BE 
THE  KAISEB  THREE  DAYS  BUSNINO  !  " 


THE  VINDICATION  OF  JIMMY. 

IN  one  corner  of  the  school  play- 
ground stood  a  small  boy  in  deep 
dejection,  witli  his  hands  in  his  pockets, 
his  lower  lip  trembling  slightly,  whilst 
he  strove  to  kick  a  hole  in  the  ground 
with  his  right  toe.  It  was  Jimmy — 
Jimmy  in  his  hour  of  trial. 

He  wasn't  going  to  blub,  he  wasn't 
going  to  do  anything. 

Suddenly  lie  stopped  kicking  at  the 
ground,  as  he  remembered  that  his 
mother  had  told  him  he  must  be 
careful  <>l  his  hoots  now  that  the  War 
\\as  on. 

lie  took  out  of  his  pocket  a  match- 
box, the  temporary  home  of  a  large 
B— a  l>u//er,  Jimmy  called  it — 
which  had  hitherto  refused  to  eat 
either  grass  <>r  hnm  or  Indian  corn. 
His  gaxc  then  \\andered  to  a  hole  in 
his  stockings,  which  he  had  mended 
by  applying  ink  to  the  exposed  part 
of  his  skin. 

From  the  opposite  side  of  the  play- 
ground came  the  tumultuous  noise  of 
the  calm  deliberations  of  Form  II. 

Jimmy     knew     perfectly     well    that 

they  were  discussing  him,  and  that  in 

time  one   of    their    number    would    be 

>  inform  him  of  the  verdict  and 

nee. 

He  expected  that  ho  would  have  to 
tight  them  all,  one  by  one,  and  he 


wondered  how  many  blows  he  would 
he  able  to  stand  without  returning 
them,  for  to  hit  back  was  out  of  the 
question  under  the  unfortunate  circum- 
stances. 

Jimmy  wished  they  would  get  it 
over,  for  lie  was  quite  willing  to  under- 
go any  form  of  punishment  they  might 
decide  upon,  if  only  they  would  let  him 
know  quickly.  He  hoped  they  wouldn't 
make  the  Biffer  fight  him,  not  that 
he  was  afraid  of  the  Biffer,  but  because 
it  would  be  so  hard  to  keep  himself 
from  hitting  back,  and  that  he  had 
decided  not  to  do.  You  see  the  Biffer 
was  a  new  boy,  and,  for  another  thing, 
he  wore  a  leather  strap  round  his 
wrist.  On  his  very  first  day  at  school 
the  Biffer  had  volunteered  the  infor- 
mation that  he  once  gave  a  boy  such  a 
biff  on  the  nose  that  he  had  sprained 
his  wrist,  and  that  ever  since  lie  had 
worn  a  wrist  strap,  lest  it  should  happen 
again.  It  was  Jimmy  who  had  nick- 
named him  the  Biffer,  and  from  that 
time  the  Biffer  had  sought  Jimmy's 
blood. 

But  Jimmy  was  not  easy  to  quarrel 
with. 

He  was  the  acknowledged  champion 
of  Form  II.,  and  you  had  to  commit 
tlmv  offences  before  Jimmy  would 
seriously  consider  you.  At  the  first 
offence  you  got  a  note  with  the  one 
word  "Beware!"  written  upon  it;  at 


the  second,  another  note  with  the  word 
"Blood"  written  underneath  a  skull 
and  crossbones;  and  at  the  third  you 
received  a  note  with  the  word  "  Deth," 
and  underneath  was  the  drawing  of  a 
coflin. 

The  Biffer  had  so  far  arrived  at  the 
second  note. 

Jimmy  did  hope  they  wouldn't  choose 
tlie  Biffer,  for  lie  could  hear  even  now 
the  Biffer's  yell  when  he  had  made  that 
awful  mistake  which  had  brought 
about  the  present  deplorable  situation. 

Jimmy  couldn't  think  how  he  had 
come  to  say  what  he  did  say ;  he  could 
have  bitten  off  his  tongue  when  he 
realised  it ;  but  it  was  too  late — he  had 
said  it. 

He  tried  to  think  how  it  had  all 
occurred,  and  the  scene  flashed  again 
before  his  mind.  There  was  the  master 
with  his  pointer  resting  upon  the 
Dogger  Bank  on  the  map  of  Europe. 

'•  Who  can  tell  me  the  name  of  this 
sea  ? "  he  had  said,  and  Jimmy  had 
snapped  his  fingers  and  waved  his 
arm  about  in  his  anxiety  to  catch  the 
master's  eye.  You  see,  it  was  so 
seldom,  so  very  seldom,  that  Jimmy 
felt  he  knew  the  right  answer  to  any 
question,  and  the  new  experience  was 
intoxicating.  The  master  too  seemed 
to  find  it  unusual,  and  he  at  once 
turned  to  Jimmy  and  said,  "  Well,  what 
is  this  sea  called,  then  '.'  "  Jimmy,  full 


ITNCir,   OR   THE    LONDON   CHARIVA1M. 


[.JANUARY  5,  1916. 


of  tlie  pride  of  knowledge,  burst  out 
with  "Tho  North  Sea,  Sir."  Oh  !  if  lie 
hud  only  stopped  at  that ;  but  in  his 
desire  to  show  how  much  he  know  lie 
i'.lded  without  thinking  the  fatal  words, 
"  or  German  Ocean  !  " 

In  the  shout  of  derision  which  had 
followed,  Jimmy  realised  what  he  had 
said,  and  felt  himself  falling,  falling, 
fulling  .  .  . 

Jimmy  became  aware  that  the  noise 
on  the  opposite  side  of  the  playground 
was  ceasing,  and  soon,  from  the  corner 
of  his  eye,  he  saw  Jones  minimus  de- 
tach himself  from  the  crowd.  "  Half  a 
mo',"  he  heard  Jones  minimus  say ; 
"I  want  to  get  a  knotted  handkerchief," 
and  ho  saw  him  hurry  into  the  school. 
As  he  emerged  he  flourished  the  knotted 
handkerchief,  but  when  delivering  the 
verdict  to  Jimmy  that  he  would  have 
to  run  the  gauntlet  three  times  to  the 
tune  cf  the  knotted  handkerchiefs  of 
Form  II.,  he  tried  to  smuggle  into 
Jimmy's  hands  an  exercise-book  which 
he  said  Jimmy  could  stuff  up  his  back ; 
it  would  stick  there  if  Jimmy  buttoned 
his  jacket,  he  said,  and  it  would  take 
the  sting  off  a  bit.  Jimmy  had  to  bite 
his  lip  as  he  refused  the  exercise-book, 
and  then  with  head  erect  and  lips  no 
longer  trembling  he  went  forth  to  face 
the  ordeal. 

Form  II.  had  arranged  themselves 
in  two  ranks,  facing  one  another,  and 
the  knots  in  the  handkerchiefs  were 
firm  and  hard.  "  You  have  got  to 
bunk  through  and  back  again  and 
then  down  again,"  said  Jones  minimus 
in  a  hoarse  whisper. 

The  Biffer  was  at  the  head  of  one 
rank,  and  had  got  his  handkerchief 
slung  over  his  shoulder  in  happy  readi- 
ness for  the  first  blow. 

"  Are  you  ready  ?  Go  !  "  shouted 
Form  II.  in  one  voice. 

At  the  word  "Go!"  Jimmy  pulled 
his  hands  out  of  his  pockets — he  was 
glai  his  mother  wasn't  there  to  see 
him — and  with  head  still  up  and  eyes 
to  the  front  he  walked  slowly  up  the 
double  lines  and  as  slowly  down  them. 
The  Biffer  got  in  a  good  one,  he  got  in 
two  before  Jimmy  was  out  of  reach, 
and  ho  then  changed  the  handkerchief 
to  his  left  hand  in  readiness  for  the 
return  journey.  Arrived  at  the  end  of 
the  lines,  Jimmy  turned  on  his  heel 
and  began  to  walk  even  more  slowly 
than  at  first. 

But  there  was  no  sting  in  the  blows 
this  time;  all  the  zest  seemed  to  have 
gone  out  of  the  affair  ;  and,  hut  for  the 
whack  the  Biffer  gave,  Jimmy  never 
felt  anything.  The  third  time  down 
was  a  farce,  for,  after  Jimmy  had  delib- 
erately stopped  opposite  the  Bitter  in 
order  to  let  him  have  as  many  as  his 
injured  soul  required,  no  one  touched 


j  him.  In  fact  they  were  all  shaking 
hands  with  Jimmy,  who  was  now  his 
smiling  self  once  more  and  ready  to 
play  with  the  best  of  them,  when  sud- 
denly the  Biffer  took  it  into  his  head 
to  make  a  joke. 

"  Perhaps  he  is  a  German,"  said  the 
Biffer,  and  waited  for  the  general 
laugh  to  follow  his  sally. 

But  the  laugh  didn't  come ;  instead 
there  was  a  dead  silence. 

Who  was  the  Biffer — a  new  boy  at 
that — to  call  anyone  a  German  ?  In- 
stinctively a  ring  was  formed  and  the 
Biffer  found  himself  in  the  middle  of  it. 

Jimmy  took  off  his  coat  and  gave  it 
to  Jones  minimus,  who  danced  for  sheer 
delight. 

Jimmy  had  only  one  regret :  the 
butcher-boy  was  not  thereto  see  him — 
the  butcher-boy  who  had  expended  so 
much  time  over  him,  had  taught  him 
the  upper  cut,  the  under  cut,  every  cut 
that  the  heart  of  a  butcher-boy  delights 
in.  The  Biffer  was  very  busy  biffing  the 
air  with  a  rapid  circular  motion  of  the 
arms,  for  Jimmy's  fixed  scowl  and  set 
of  jaw  troubled  him. 

Oh,  why  wasn't  the  butcher-boy  there 
to  see  that  tremendous  smack  on  the 
nose  the  Biffer  got  ?  He  would  have 
felt  amply  rewarded. 

No  one  had  ever  seen  Jimmy  fight 
like  this,  and  Jones  minimus  shouted 
in  his  joy,  for  the  Biffer  was  outbiffed 
in  every  direction. 

In  vain  did  he  cry  "Pax,"  for  Jimmy 
had  not  half  relieved  his  feelings,  and 
there  was  no  end  to  the  dodges  the 
butcher-boy  had  taught  him,  each  of 
which,  he  had  said,  meant  sudden  death. 

"  He  's  had  enough,  Jimmy,"  whis- 
pered Jones  minimus.  "  I  'in  satisfied," 
he  added  as  the  Biffer,  who  was  lying 
on  the  ground,  refused  to  get  up  and 
have  any  more. 

As  the  boys  entered  the  class-room 
the  next  day  there  was  the  map  of 
Europe  still  hanging  up  in  front  of  the 
class,  and  the  very  first  question  that 
was  asked  by  the  master  was,  "  Well, 
Jimmy,  what  is  this  sea  ?  " 

"  The  North  Sea  or  British  Ocean, 
Sir!"  said  Jimmy,  a  reply  that  was 
greeted  with  a  rousing  cheer  by  the 
whole  of  Form  II. 


A  TURKISH  TROPHY. 

(A  belated  letter  from  Gallipoli.) 

MY  DEAR , — By  this  week's  post 

I  trust  you  will  receive  the  long  pro- 
mised trophy,  to  wit  one  Turkish 
headpiece  procured  by  my  own  per- 
sonal exertions.  As  the  story  of  its 
capture,  though  somewhat  out  of  the 
ordinary,  has  been  passed  over  in  stony 
silence  both  by  the  official  communiques 
and  "Our  Special  Correspondent "  I  shall 
endeavour  to  give  you  a  brief  impres- 
sion of  the  difficulties  overcome  as  truth- 
fully as  my  sense  of  imagination  will 
allow  me.  First  of  all  I  must  draw  a 
map  :- 

A 


A   SECOND   HELPING! 
OUR  Bagdad  force  fell  in  a  rut 

At  Ctcsiphon ;    Turks    made   things 

hum. 

We  found  that  we  had  got  to  Kut, 
Whilst    Russians    found   a   way    to 
Kum  ! 

Our  men  know  net  the  word  "defeat," 
They  '11  make  it  clear  on  Tigris  plain 

That,  Russian-like,  when  they  retreat, 
'Tis  but  to  cut  and  come  again. 


A  B  British  trench,  with  travi : 

C  D  Turkish  trench,  without. 

E  F  Ditch 

G  British  barricade. 

H  Turkish  barricade. 

This  should  give  you  an  idea  of  the 
English  and  Turkish  lines  at  a  point 
where  they  are  about  eighty  yards 
apart.  Without  going  into  details  you 
will  see  the  English  trench  is  of  the 
superior  pattern,  as  it  has  traverses. 
I  had  to  work  in  that  technical  term  to 
show  I  know  all  about  it ;  I  know 
another,  "  the  berm,"  but  I  am  not  too 
sure  about  what  that  is,  and  also  I 
don't  suppose  I  could  draw  a  "berm"  if 
I  saw  one.  Anyway,  I  know  it 's  quite 
a  good  term  connected  with  trenches, 
as  I  heard  a  G.O.C.  fairly  strafe  a 
subaltern,  the  other  day,  because  he 
hadn't  got  a  "  berm."  Well,  to  refer 
to  the  map,  you  will  observe  that  there 
is  an  old  ditch  running  between  the 
two  lines  of  trenches,  and  both  sides 
have  advanced  a  certain  distance  along 
this  ditch  and  have  built  barricades 
about  ten  yards  apart.  Every  day  it 
is  part  of  my  job  to  take  a  constitu- 
tional along  our  trenches,  and  after 
discussing  the  European  situation  and 
the  latest  Budget  with  the  various 
battalion  commanders  to  ask  them 
whether  there  is  any  particularly  ob- 
noxious part  of  the  opposition  line  they 
would  like  me  to  salute  witli  my  bat- 
tery. Usually  they  say,  "  No,  there  's 
nothing  in  particular,  but  let 's  have  a 
shoot  all  the  same;  for  example,  there's 


JANI-AHV  :>,    1!)1G.] 


IM-NCII.  MI;  TIII-:  LONDON  CIIAI;I\  AIM. 


a  d<>g  that  barks  abominably 
night  opposite  L  57.  Couldn't  you 
abolish  him'.'"  Incidentally  wo  n<> 
longer  give  our  trenches  names,  such 
M  I'icciulilly,  Rotten  Row,  but  men- 
letters  and  iiumhers  ;  the  reason  being 
that  one  of  the  stall'  was  pieked  up  in 
a  fainting  condition,  having  strolled 
down  Park  Lane  and  then  found  him- 
self, to  his  horror,  in  Peckham  High 
Street.  The  shock  —  his  own  homo 
being  in  Baling  Broadway  had  pn>\<-ii 

nidi  for  his  constitution.  J low- 
ever,  to  refer  hack  to  the  map  once 
more,  our  barricade  across  the  ditch 
is  a  most  convenient  spot  for  observing 
artillery  lire  and  as  such  is  frequently 
used  by  me.  Unfortunately  my  view 
was always  hasty  and  badly  interrupted 
by  the  attentions  of  a  Turkish  sniper 
behind  their  barricade.  This  man's 
name  was  Ibrahim,  and  he  was  a 
Constantinople  cab  -  driver,  married, 
with  two  children,  both  hoys.  You 

be  surprised  that  we  know  so 
much  about  the  enemy,  but  we  live  in 
such  close  proximity  that  opposite  the 
Lancashire  Fusiliers  a  Turk  named 
Mahomet,  who  lives  at  No.  3,  Gold/a 
Horn  Terrace,  told  the  reporter  of  Tin- 
II  I'/'jiiniitiiii  I/<',i<lltijht  that  for  three 
years  he  had  been  suffering  from  pains 
in  the  back — but  that's  another  story. 
Incidentally  Mahomet  at  present  in- 
habits a  sniper's  post  surrounded  by  a 
ct  thicket  of  barbed- wire,  and  I 
iiad  a  bright  scheme  for  its  removal.  I 
got  hold  of  a  trench  catapult,  an  in- 
genious contrivance  of  elastic  that 
hurls  a  bomb  some  hundreds  of  yards, 
and  placed  in  it  a  harpoon  attached  to 
a  long  coil  of  rope.  The  idea  was  that 
on  release  of  the  catapult  the  harpoon 
would  be  hurled  in  the  air,  the  rope 
would  neatly  pay  out,  and  then,  as  soon 
as  the  harpoon  had  grappled  Mahomet, 
all  we  would  have  to  do  would  be  to 
haul  on  the  rope  and  over  would  come 
the  \\  hole  bag  of  tricks.  Unfortunately 
sunothing  v, out  wrong,  and  the  rope, 
instead  of  neatly  uncoiling,  flailed  round 
the  trench  like  a  young  anaconda,  and, 
ing  a  harmless  spectator  by  the 
leg,  hurled  him  twenty  feet  in  the  air. 
Immediately  the  opposition  lines  re- 
sounded like  a  ritlo-booth  at  a  country 
fair.  However  our  spectator  descended 
unpunctured,  and  the  only  damage  done 
was  to  our  vanity,  when  Mahomet 
threw  over  a  message  attached  to  a 
Stone  to  ask  whether  we  would  i 
the  performance  as  he  and  a  pal  bad 
a  bet  on  as  to  who  was  the  best 
shot  and  wanted  a  human  aeroplane 
to  judge. 

Hut  we  have  got  a  long  way  from 
Ibrahim.  Ibrahim  possessed  the  head- 
piece I  am  sending  you.  I  could  not 
think  of  a  method  foV  obtaining  it,  as 


PANTOMIME    ANNOUNCEMENTS. 


his  vigilance  was  deadly.  However  a 
bright  thought  struck  me,  and  I  assidu- 
ously saved  up  my  rum  ration  for  a 
month.  Then  one  bitter  cold  night  I 
tossed  over  the  accumulation  in  a  bottle 
wrapped  up  in  an  old  sock.  Presently 
there  resounded  in  the  still  air  a 
pleasant  bubbling  sound  indicative  of 
liquid  being  poured  out  of  a  glass 
receptacle,  then  a  deep  sigh,  followed 
by  a  profound  silence.  Inch  by  inch  I 
crawled  over  our  barricade  and  slowly 
wormed  my  way  along  the  ditch.  At 
last  I  reached  the  Turkish  barricade 
and  cautiously  slid  my  hand  over  the 
top  until  my  lingers  encountered 
Ibrahim's  toque.  Then  I  gave  a  gentle 
tug.  Horror!  he  had  the  flap  down 
under  his  chin.  Unmanned  for  a 
moment  I  recovered,  and  I  slowly  slid 
my  fingers  down  his  hirsute  neck  and 
with  a  gentle  titillation  slid  the  (lap 


clear.  Ibrahim  merely  stirred  in  his 
sleep  and  resumed  his  .  slumbers. 
Triumphantly  hugging  the  trophy  to 
my  bosom  I  crawled  back  to  our 
barricade. 

The  saddest  part  of  the  tale  is  yet  to 
come.  I  had  promised  to  procure  you 
a  trophy  unstained  by  association  with 
human  slaughter,  but  when  the  day 
dawned  there  lay  poor  Ibrahim  stiff 
and  stark  behind  his  barricade,  killed 
by  a  cold  in  his  head. 


'•  Message  Boy  Wanted  for  Butchery.'1 

lireciiin  Adrcrtiser. 

A  lot  of  people  are  after  that  boy. 


••  Taxi  driver  who  laid  down  Fare  at  Royal 
11<  ltd  at  2.45  p.m.  on  Christmas  Day,  would 
oblige  by  returning  dent's  t'mbrella  to  Hotel." 

Aberdeen  Journal . 

We  gather   that    it   had   been   a    wet 
morning. 


10 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIU  LONDON   CHARIVARI^ 


[.JANUARY  5,  191G. 


Cyril  (eating  his  bread-and-jam— with  not  too  much  jam).  "THIS  is  PREPDSTROUS— THIS  WAB  ECONOMY." 


HUNTIN'   WEATHER. 
THEIIE  's  a  dog-fox  down  in  Lannigan's 

spinney 
(And   Launigan's  wife   has  hens  to 

mourn) ; 
The  hunters  stamp  in  their  stalls  an' 

whinny, 
Soft  with  leisure  an'  fat  with  corn. 

The  colts  are  pasturin',  bold  an'  lusty, 
Sleek  they  are  with  their  coats  aglow, 

Ripe  to  break,  but  the  bits  grow  rusty 
And  the  saddles  sit  in  a  dusty  row. 

Old  O'Dwyer  was  here  a-Monday 
With  a  few  grey  gran'fathers  out  for 

a  field 
(Like  the  ghostly  hunt  of  a  dead  an'- 

done  day), 

They — an'  some  lassies  that  giggled 
an'  squealed. 

The  houn's  they  rioted  like  the  devil 
(They  ran  a  -hare  an'  they  killed  a 

goose) ; 
I  cursed  Caubeen,  but  he  looked  me 

level : 

"  The  boys  are  away— so  what 's  the 
use?  " 

The  mists  lie  clingin'  on  bog  an'  heather, 

Haws  hang  red  on  the  silver  thorn  ; 

It  'a     huntin'     weather,     ay,     huntin' 

weather, 

But  trumpets  an'  bugles  have  beat 
the  horn  ! 


A  Dabt  of  Honour. 
Mr.  Punch  ventures  to  plead  on  be- 
half of  the  nine  hundred  men  of  the 
Royal  Naval  Division  who  were  taken 
prisoners  by  the  enemy  in  the  'retire- 
ment from  Antwerp.  Less  fortunate 
than  those  of  the  same  Division  who 
were  interned  in  Holland  (for  want  cf 
official  information  most  people  imagine 
that  all  the  missing  were  so  interned), 
they  lack  the  necessities  of  life.  Parcels 
of  food  are  sent  to  them,  fortnightly 
to  each  man,  as  well  as  clothing  and 
tobacco ;  and  it  is  known  that  they 
receive  all  that  is  sent.  Mr.  Punch 
begs  his  readers  to  help  the  fund  from 
which  these  simple  comforts  are  pro- 
vided, and  to  address  their  gifts  to 
Lady  GWENDOLEN  GUINNESS,  at  11, 
St.  James's  Square,  S.W. 


From  a  report  of  Mr.  LLOYD  GEORGE'S 
speech : — 

"  The  works  of  Ireland  have  been  extremely 
helpf  il,  and  I  am  glad  to  acknowledge  that  I 
have  bean  extremely  helpful." 

Manchester  Guardian. 

On  this  occasion  the  MINISTER  OF 
M  CXITIONS  appears  to  have  allowed  him- 
salf  the  privilege  of  "  tliinking  aloud." 


Seasonable. 

:'The  Canadian  Government  has  granted  to 
Canadian  troops  oversea  and  in  training  at 
home  a  Christmas  allowance  of  one  chilling." 
Provincial  Paper. 


"He  much  regretted  that  it  was  not  possible 
t  i-day  to  communicate  the  results  of  the  Derby 
Report  in  any  detail,  or,  indeed,  at  all.     The 
task  had  been  one  of  stupendous  bagnitude." 
Evening  Standard. 

Yes,  but  how.  big  was  the  bag  ? 


Two  descriptions  of  the  new  Chief  of 
the  Imperial  General  Staff : — 

"  Of  Scottish  desrent,  and  familiarly  known 
to  the  Army  as  '  Jock,'  ho  is  one  of  the  most 
remarkable  soldiers  of  the  time." 

Glasguic  Ei-cninj  Times. 

"That  ho  is  known  throughout  the  whole 
Army  simply  as  '  Wullia  '  is  a  sure  token  that 
the  p'rivate  soldier  has  taken  him  to  his  heart." 
Glasgow  Ei-eniny  Citizen. 

Won't  the  Germans  ha  puzzled  ? 


"Eddie  Harvey  (Fleetwood)  and  Ike  White- 
house  (Barrow)  went  through  15  rounds  con- 
test for  £5  a  side  and  a  nurse,  and  I  Lirvey  won 
on  points." — The  People. 

Tho  stake?,  we  presume,  were  divided. 


"  The  Daily  Mail  will  not  be  published  to- 
morrow, and  for  that  reason  we  seize  thoocca- 
sion   to-day  of  bidding  our  readers  a  merry 
Christmas." — Daily  Mail  of  December  24(7i. 
And  a  very  good  reason  too. 


"A  kid  was   born   with  monkey   face  and 
human  skull  at  Saidapct  on  the  13th  instant." 

New  India. 

This  is  headed  "  A  Curious  Phenom- 
enon." But  is  it  ?  Some  of  our  neigh- 
bours' kids  are  just  like  that. 


PUNCH,    OK   TIIM 


cHAIilYAIil.  -.JAMMHY  r>, 


THE   NEW   EDGE. 


JANUARY  5,  1916.] 


IM'Nrir,  OR   THE    LONDON   CIIAKI VAIM. 


13 


LONDON   AS    USUAL. 

'•' AW///'.s  l. ninl, in  Directory  "  far  1916, 

a  contempiirnri/  rrniitrki,  ix  /•<•/•//  much 
tin'  name  as  the  volume  for  1915.] 

WIIKKK,  where  aro   the   signs   of   the 

raider 

\Vlio  swain  to  our  ken  like  a  kite, 
Who  sworo  lie  had  played  the  invader 
And  knocked  us  to  bits  in  the  night; 
\Yh<>  pounded  these  parts  into  jelly 

From  Mile  End,  he  said,  to  the  Mall  ? 
For  the  man  who  should  know  (J.  J. 
KKLLY) 
Can't  spot  'em  at  all. 

Yon  may  turn  up  the  street  that  is  Vigo 
Or  alight  on  the  Lane  that  is  Mark  : 
Von  may  let  your  incredulous  eye  go 
O'er  each  Crescent  and  Corner  and 

Park; 
You  may  hunt  through  the  humblest 

of  alleys 

Or  the  giddiest  haunts  of  the  town, 
And    KELLY'S,   who  're  "  safe  "  as  the 
Palace, 
Have  got  'em  all  down. 

So  I  sing  to  those  equals  in  wonder, 

Of  BKADSHAW  (the  expert  on  trains), 
Who    have    torn    the    Hun's     fiction 

asunder — 

That  our  City 's  a  mass  of  remains  ; 
Hero's   our  proof  that  we're  plainly 

not  undone, 
That,  although  every  night  she  lies 

bid, 

Our  stolid  undaunted  old  London 
Still  stands  where  she  did. 


STUDIES    IN    FRUSTRATION. 

i. 

THI:  scene  was  the  comfortable  spa- 
cious breakfast-room  in  the  Bishop's 
I'iiUeo.  His  lordship  sat  nearest  to 
the  fire;  the  bishop's  wife  presided 
over  the  fragrant  coffee-pot,  and  the 
curaio,  their  dine-and-sleep  guest,  sat 
opposite  the  bishop  and  farthest  from 
the  warmth.  As  a  curate  this  position 
was  his  due.  Some  day  he  also  would 
ho  a  bishop,  and  then  he  too  would 
know  what  it  was  to  intercept  the 
glow. 

The   curate   was   looking   dubiously 
i  he  recesses  of  an  egg.     His  fine 
Anglican  features  underwent  a  series 
of  contortions. 

"  I  am  afraid,"  said  the  bishop,  "that 
that  egg  is  not  a  good  one." 

"You  are  right,  my  lord,"  said  the 
curate.  •'  It  is  not  only  bad,  it 's  alive. 
I  think  it 's  the  worst  egg  that  was 
ever  ottered  me." 

n. 

The  wounded  soldier  lay  in  his  deck- 
chair  placidly  smoking   his  hundredth 
Uo  that  day.    He  was  not  natur- 


Porter  (dug-out).  "SHALL  I  PUT  VEB  'OCKEY-KSOCKEES  IN  THE  VAX,  SIB?" 


ally  a  smoker,  but  cigarettes  arrived  in 
enormous  numbers  and  something  had 
to  be  done  with  them. 

His  visitor  sat  beside  him,  note-book 
in  hand.  "  Yes  ?  "  he  remarked. 

"And  then,"  said  the  soldier,  "came 
the  order  to  charge.  We  fixed  bayonets 
and  rushed  at  the  Bosches  like  mad. 
It  was  glorious— like  the  best  kind  of 
football  match." 

The  visitor  took  it  all  down,  and 
more. 

"  I  remember  bayonetting  two  men," 
said  the  soldier,  "  and  then  I  remember 
nothing  else.  And  that's  six  months 
ago.  Still,  I  'm  getting  well,  and  then 
there 's  only  one  thing  on  earth  that 
I  really  want  with  a  passionate  de- 
sire .  .  ." 

"  I  know  !  I  know  !  "  said  the  visitor, 
moistening  his  pencil. 


"  Never  to  see  any  more  war  as  long 
as  I  live,"  the  soldier  continued. 

in. 

The  aged  artist  sat  in  his  luxurious 
studio  surrounded  by  his  masterpieces 
— that  is,  by  the  pictures  he  had  never 
been  able  to  sell. 

The  gem  of  the  collection  stcod  on 
an  easel  in  the  middle  of  the  room ; 
while  a  connoisseur,  hat  in  hand,  in- 
spected it  closely,  enthusiastically, 
breathlessly.  Then,  coming  over  to 
where  the  artist  was  resting,  he  sat 
down  opposite  to  him  and  in  a  voice 
I  trembling  with  emotion  asked,  "  Tell 
I  me,  how  do  you  mix  your  colours  ?  " 

There  was  a  deep  silence,  almost 
painful  in  its  intensity.  A  drawing-pin 
fell  with  a  deafening  crash. 

The  venerable  painter  stood  up  with 


1 1 


PUNCH,   OR    T1IH    LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  5,  1916. 


Excited  individual  (who  IMS  picked  up  umbrella  left  in  bar,  to  despatch  rider  just  leaving).   "Hi!    MISTEB.    Is  THIS  YOUB  UMBRELLA  ?" 


a  calm  and  leonine  expression, 
an  ivory  palette  knife,"  he  said. 


IV. 


'  I  use  man,  consulting  his  watch.  "  I  believe 
that  you  get  here  later  every  day." 
"  Yes,"  said  the  clerk,  "  I  do.  But  then 
I  always  stay  on  and  work  overtime." 


VI 


Thfl   eminenfc        blicist  replaced  his 
.        Qn  the  ££  an(}  tumed  to  the 
who  gat  beside  him      ,,M     busi. 
he  gaid    ,,;8  thfl  manufacture  of 


The  shadows  were  lengthening  in 
the  beautiful  garden.  It  was  a  warm 
spring  evening.  The  old  sun-dial  had 
just  struck  seven. 

The  poet  threw  aside  his  book  and 

called  his  Airedale  terrier;  the  dog,  re-   ^^  Thave  VadeTTOsUortune 
spending  in  time,  eventually  readied  i  ,  .,  ,, 

'     ,      ,  '  i  Otlt  Of  it. 

his  master  s  knee.  ,,H  interesting,"    the  lady 

Seizing  his  opportunity,  the   repre- 1       ^  absently;  but  the  next  moment, 

sentative  of  the  Press  observed,     You  ,  .Jj          fa    a  J^  u        hfc>  ghe  added 

with  quickened  interest,  "  Please  don't 


"  Fond  of  dogs  ?  "  replied  the  poet. 
"  I  ?  I  detest  them  ;  "  and  so  saying  he 
kicked  the  Airedale  a  distance  of  several 
feet  into  the  air,  so  that,  falling  immedi- 
ately on  the  sun-dial,  it  was  transfixed 


tliink  me  inquisitive,  but  how  can  a 
fortune  bo  made  Out  of  a  thing  like 
mustard?  People  take  so  little  of  it." 


'  Madam,"    answered    the   mustard 
magnate    deliberately,     "  we    do    not 


"Rome  '?  " 

"  Yes,  why  not  ?    I  'in  told  it  "s  won- 
derful.    I    shall   be  there  a  month ;  " 
1  and  so  saying  he  hurried  to  his  hotel. 
Three  days  later  he  walked  into  the 
Casino  again. 

"What,"  cried  his  friends — "you 
here  ?  We  thought  you  were  going  to 
be  in  Rome  a  month." 

"  So  I  am,"  said  the  money-lender, 
;  "  and  more.    I  came  back  for  my  things, 
!  most  of  which  I  left  here,  as  it  had 
occurred  to  me  I    might   not   like  it. 
'.  But  I  adore  it.      Rome    is    beautiful, 
j  august,    sublime.     The    simple   severe 
beauty  of  the  Vatican,  the  vast  solemnity 
of  the  Campagna  !     It  is   indeed  the 
1  eternal  city.     Let  me  keep  Rome  !  " 
And  again  he  hurried  away. 


j  make  our  fortunes  from  the  mustard 


"  Yes,  yes ?"  cried  the  lady  eagerly. 
— "but,"  he  continued,  "from  what 
they  spill  in  mixing  poultices." 


by  the  gnomon. 

As  he   watched   its   struggles,  thus    'V'1'       'L11, 

,   ,  tiii.  that  people  eat   — 

impaled,  the  poet  laughed  the  hearty 

resonant    laugh    for    which     he    was 
famous. 

v. 

The  Civil  Service  clerk  so  famous  for 
his    drollery   was   entering   the   office 

doors  at  half-past  ten  in  the  morning,    ing    arrived    as   usual   at  the  Casino, 
or    exactly    sixty    minutes    past    the   but   this  time  only  to  bid  his  friends 
appointed   time.     By   an   unfortunate  '  good-bye, 
clianco  liis  principal  met  him,  as,  alas  !        "  Not  leaving  Monte  ? 


VII. 


A  Long  Turn. 

"To-morrow  evening  Miss  Phyllis  Bedells 
makes  her  final  appearance  at  the  London 
Empire,  where  she  has  danced  without  inter- 
ruption for  nine  and  a  half  years." 

Jlristdl  Tiine.i  and  Mirror. 


lie  had  too  often  done,  at  the  same  tardy 
hour.     "  Late   again,"    said   the  great 


De  Mortuis.  .  .  . 

Tired  of  this  much  worn  physical  life  Chief 
;  George  Moshesh  bursted  the  bauds  of  morality 
as  under  Tuesday,  November  2nd." 

South  African  Paper. 

"  Tenders  invited  for  alterations  and  additions 

••  Yes,  I  am,    he  replied ;  "I  in  going   to  the  late  Mr.  Waata  W.  Hipango,  Pitiki. 
to  Rome."  are  hereby  cancelled."— New  Zealand  Paper. 


The  famous  money-lender  one  even- 


they  asked. 


JANUABT  5,  1916.] 


PUNCH,   nil    TIIK    LnM>n.\    rilAKIVAIM. 


THE  XMAS  ADVENTURES  OF  A  DRAWING 


i'l'ont  li'iiluTt  S/iii/ivnii,  /•'i/ni/iiinih,  to 
Joan  Dalgleish,  London. 


DEAR  Miss  DAI.GI.EISII,-    I   send  yoi 
as  promised,  when  we  parted  in  Skye 
one  of  my  little  drawings.     ]  am  sorr 
I  ha\i!  had  no  time  to  get  it  framed. 
am  nil    in  ten  days  to  India  to  resum 
my  work.      If    you   have  no  room    foi 
this  little  picture  on  your  walls  it  wil 
do  for  a   lied  Cross  Haxaar. 

Hoping   to    meet    you    some    othei 
summer, 

Yours  sincerely,      E.  SIMPSON. 

From  Jonn  l><i/iilfi.<ih  to  Robert 
Simpson. 

London,  December  17. 
DEAR  MK.  SIMPSON,  —  So  main 
thanks  for  tho  drawing  of  the  bay.  11 
will  always  remind  me  of  our  delight- 
ful holiday  in  the  North,  and  in  the 
murky  days  of  December  it  will  make 
me  feel  again  in  the  fresh  air  of  Scot- 
land. 

With  best  wishes  for  a  pleasant 
journe\ , 

Yours  sincerely,    JOAN  DALGLEISH. 

/•'/,..-,;  Joan  Diilijleiafi  to  Mttry  Morris, 
Manchester, 

December  23. 

I»I:ARKST  MARY, — Iain  sending  you 
a  little  Christmas  card,  in  the  shape 
of  a  water  -  colour  drawing  with  a 
calendar  attached,  which  can  be  re- 
mo\ed  each  year.  It  will  remind  you 
of  the  fine  time  we  spent  bathing  and 
boating  on  tho  Welsh  Coast,  which  F 
know  you  people  in  the  North  adore. 
I  have  long  wanted  to  send  you  some 
token  of  our  days  together  in  that 
plea -ant  land,  and,  after  much  search- 
ing, here  at  last  it  is. 

N  our  affectionate  Friend, 

JOAN  DALGLEISH. 


Mai//  Morris  to  Joan 

December  24. 
1  >i  VVREST  JOAN,  —  What  a  treat  to  see 

.Jorioiis  Welsh  Coast,  t  hat  heaving 

'id  those  sunny  cliffs,  when  I  am 

barely  existing    in    this    gloomy  city! 

.•\lir,i//.-i  will  this  i/i'tir  scene  be  in  my 

sight    morning  and  evening,  to  remind 

in\   friend  whom  I  miss  .so  iiiit<-li, 

and   of  those  grand   aspects  of  nature 

which  \\e  enjoyed  together. 

With  dear  lo\o,          MARY. 

,/  Man-is  to  Misx  F.lcunor 
HY;(Vr.s-'  Club,  London. 

December  30. 

DK\K  Miss   MKNDIP,  —  It  seems  a-es 

we  met  after  your  ,/n-«t  visit  to 

heater    ami    after    that    splendid 

lecture  on   "  Some  Aspects  of  Nature." 

not  lei    the   New  Year  pus-;  with- 

out sending  you  a  little  picture  of  our 


From 


^  -  .j?i 


Neighbour.  "Aso  HOW  DOES  YOCB  SON  LIKE  HIS  TBAISIXG?" 

Proud  Mother  of  Recruit.  "On,  HE'S  VERY  HAPPY.    BUT  HE  BAYS  THEY  DO  TAKE 

HIM   VERY  LONG   WALKS." 


Northern  coast  as  a  humble  token  of 
ny  immense  admiration  for  your  charm- 
ng  work — the  poor  offering  of  a  con- 
tant  admirer. 

Hoping  to  see  you  again  in  our  city 
ind  that  you  will  again  stay  at  our 
iome, 

Your  affectionate  admirer, 

MARY  MORRIS. 

From  Miss  Mendip  to  Miss  Morris. 
January  2. 

DEAR  Miss  MORRIS, — Forgive  me  for 
lot  acknowledging  before  the  graceful 
ribute    of    your    admiration    for    my 
vork.      I   do  indeed  regard  you  as  a 
•lend—  few  girls  of  my  acquaintance 
avo  so  real  a  sense  of  literary  perfec- 
ion  as  my  dear  young  friend  in  Man- 
hester.      Always  will  I  cherish   your 
appreciative  gift  as  a  remembrance  of 
my  sweet  young  friend. 

Yours  affectionately, 

I'.i, I:\NOH  MEN-IMP. 


Frnm  Miss  Mendi/i  to  the  Editor, 
"  Women's  Welfare,"  London. 

January  4. 

DEAR  MR.  SCHIMHLES,  —  You  said 
you  intended  to  obtain  an  illustration 
to  my  paper  on  "  Cottage  Homes  by 
Western  Waters."  I  can  save  you 
trouble  and  some  expense.  I  have 
succeeded  in  obtaining  just  the  picture 
you  want.  I  accordingly  enclose  it. 
You  can  add  the  fee  of  10s.  6'/.  to  my 
cheque  for  the  article.  I  hope  it  will 
come  out  in  February. 

Yours  truly,     ELEANOR  MKXDIP. 

'•  \V\.\n. i). — Good  School  -  Master,  in  ex- 
change for  Blue  Pom  dog,  3  months,  splendid 
coat,  or  sell  £1.  Approval  both  ways." 

WMk  Paper. 
Lest  our  scholastic  readers  should  be 
incensed  at  this  cynical  estimate  of 
their  value  we  hasten  to  inform  them 
that  this  "  School-Master"  is  a  pigeon 
and  not  a  pedagogue. 


16 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  5,  191G. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"  Puss  IN  BOOTS." 

IF  Messrs.  SIMS,  Dix  and  COLLINS 
did  in  fact,  as  they  claim,  make  the 
book  of  this  year's  pantomime  at  the 
Lane,  Mr.  GEORGE  GRAVES  gagged  and 
hound  it.  This  popular  annual  festival 
indeed  tends  to  hecome  more  and  more 
of  a  GRAVES  solo  (with  of  course  the 
innumerable  customary  da  capos)  and 
a  bright  sketchy  EVANS  obbligato.  -As 
a  Grand  Duchess  and  Duke  respectively 
the  genial  twain  present  themselves. 
Mr.  GEORGE  GRAVES,  in  a  llounced  skirt 
of  green  tartan  check,  copper  curls 
and  mahogany  features,  is  a  delectable 
creation  ;  says  some  strangely  unlady- 
like things  (as  is  expected  of  him)  ; 
is  still  oddly  preoccupied  with  "gear- 
boxes "  and  other  anatomical  detail ;  and 
generally  indulges  in  a  fine  careless 
rapture  of  reminiscence  and  improvisa- 
tion— zealously  assisted  by  Mr.  WILL 
EVANS'  familiar  tip -tilted  nose  and 
bland  refusal  to  be  perturbed  by  en- 
tirely unrehearsed  effects  and  obviously 
irregular  cues.  A  jovial  and  irreverent 
pair  of  potentates,  crowned  by  public 
laughter. 

There  is,  of  course,  a  sort  of  back- 
ground to  all  this  audacious  fooling, 
more  definitely  directed  virginibus 
puerisque.  The  new  principal  boy, 
Mr.  ERIC  MARSHALL,  woos  his  princess 
with  a  romantic  air  and  a  mellow- 
tenor,  in  which  emotion  somewhat 
overshadows  tone.  Miss  FLORENCE 
SMITHSON,  an  accepted  Drury  Lane 
favourite,  looks  very  charming,  makes 
love  in  pretty  kitten  wise  and  still 
indulges  in  those  queer  harmonics  of 
hers — virtuosity  rather  than  artistry, 
shall  we  call  it? — but  is  altogether  quite 
a  nice  princess  of  pantomime.  Little 
RENEE  MAYER  is  the  Puss.  Nothing 
could  well  be  daintier.  But  I  hope 
she  will  let  me  tell  her  (in  a  whisper, 
so  that  the  others  won't  hear),  that  she 
doesn't  quite  realise  what  a  jolly  part 
she  has  got.  I  would  implore  her  to 
spend  an  hour  or  two  at  serious  play 
with  any  decent  young  cat  and  study 
the  grace  and  variety  of  its  beautiful, 
imitable  gestures.  Then  she  will  as- 
suredly pounce  on  her  magician  turned 
mouse,  and  fawn  on  her  master  and 
friends,  with  a  greater  air  of  conviction. 
And  she  will  mightily  please  all  the 
other  nice  children  in  the  house. 

Of  the  great  ensemble  scenes  un- 
questionably the  finest  was  the  Fairy 
Garden,  with  a  quite  beautiful  back- 
cloth  by  E.  McCLEERYand  a  bewildering 
(and,  to  tell  truth,  largely  bewildered) 
bevy  of  butterflies,  decked  by  COMELLI, 
fluttering  in  a  flowery  pleasaunce.  And 
.there  was  also  a  clever  variation  on 
the  now  inevitable  staircase  motif  as 


a  finale.  But  the  Harlequinade  of 
happy  memory  has  deplorably  declined 
to  something  like  a  mere  display  of 
advertisements — a  sad  business. 

"THE    Sl'ABLICiHT    EXVUKSS." 

It  would  be  uncandid  to  pretend 
that  Mr.  ALGERNON  BLACKWOOD  gets 
everything  ho  has  to  say  in  The 
Starlight  Express  '  safely  across  the 
footlights — those  fateful  barriers  that 
trap  so  many  excellent  intentions.  But 
he  so  evidently  has  something  to  say, 
and  the  saying  is  so  gallantly  attempted, 
that  he  must  emphatically  be  credited 
with  something  done  — •  something 
rather  well  done  really.  The  little 
play  has  beautiful  moments — and  that 
is  to  say  a  great  deal. 

.  This     novelist     turned     playwright 
wishes   to   make  you   see    that   "  the 


Princess  Rosabel  .  Miss  FLORENCE  SMITHSON. 
Florian  ....  Mr.  ERIC  MAESIIALL. 

Princess  Rosabel  and  Florian,  a  young  man 
— though  only  a  miller's  son — of  considerable 
polish,  especially  about  the  hair  and  feet. 

Earth  's  forgotten  it 's  a  Star."  In 
plainer  words  he  wants  to  present  you 
with  a  cure  for  "  wurnbledness."  People 
who  look  at  the  black  side  of  things, 
who  think  chiefly  of  themselves — these 
are  the  wumbled.  The  cure  is  star- 
dust — which  is  sympathy.  The  treat- 
ment was  discovered  by  the  children 
of  a  poor  author  in  a  cheap  Swiss  pen- 
sion and  by  "  Cousinenry,"  a  successful 
business  man  of  a  quite  unusual  sort. 
You  have  to  get  out  into  the  cave 
where  the  starlight  is  stored,  gather  it 
— with  the  help  of  the  Organ  Grinder, 
who  loves  all  children  and  sings  his 
cheery  way  to  the  stars ;  and  the 
Gardener,  who  makes  good  things  grow 
and  plucks  up  all  weeds ;  and  the 
Lamplighter,  who  lights  up  heads  and 
hearts  and  stars  impartially ;  and  the 
Sweep,  who  sweeps  away  all  blacks 
and  blues  over  the  edge  of  the  world, 
and  the  Dustman,  with  his  sack  of 
Dream-dust  that  is  Star-dusi  for  isn't 


it  ?),  and  so  forth.  Then  you  sprinkle 
the  precious  'stuff  on  people,  and  they 
become  miracles  of  content  and  unself- 
ishness. (The  fact  that  life  isn't  in 
the  very  least  like  that  is  a  thing  you 
have  just  got  to  make  yourself  forget 
for  three  hours  or  so.) 

The  author  was  well  served  by  his 
associates.  Sir  EDWARD  ELGAR  wove 
a  delightfully  patterned  music  of 
mysterious  import  through  the  queer 
tangle  of  the  scenes  and  gave  us 
an  atmosphere  loaded  with  the  finest 
star-dust.  Lighting  and  setting 
were  admirably  •  contrived  ;  and  the 
grouping  of  the  little  prologue  scenes, 
where  that  kindly  handsome  giant  of 
an  organ-grinder  (Mr.  CHARLES  MOTT), 
with  the  superbly  cut  corduroys,  sang 
so  tunefully  to  as  sweet  a  flock  of  little 
maids  as  one  could  wish  to  see,  was 
particularly  effective. 

Of  the  players  I  would  especially 
commend  the  delicately  sensitive  per- 
formance of  Miss  MERCIA  CAMERON  (a 
name  and  talent  quite  new  to  me)  as 
Jane  Anne,  the  chief  opponent  of  wum- 
bledom.  She  was,  I  think,  responsible 
more  than  any  other  for  getting  some 
of  the  mystery  of  the  authentic  Black- 
woodcraft  across  to  the  audience.  The 
jolly  spontaneity  of  RONALD  HAMMOND 
as  young  Bimbo  was  a  pleasant  thing, 
and  ELISE  HALL,  concealing  less  suc- 
cessfully her  careful  training  in  the 
part,  prettily  co-operated  as  his  sister 
Monkey.  The  part  of  Daddy,  the  con- 
gested author  who  was  either  "  going 
to  light  the  world  or  burst,"  was  in 
O.  B.  CLARENCE'S  clever  sympathetic 
hands.  Mr.  OWEN  EOUGHWOOD  gave 
you  a  sense  of  his  belief  in  the  eflicacy 
of  star-dust.  On  what  a  difficult  rail 
our  author  was  occasionally  driving 
his  express  you  may  judge  when  he 
makes  this  excellent  but  not  par- 
ticularly fragile  British  type  exclaim, 
"  I  am  melting  down  in  dew."  The 
flippant  hearer  had  always  to  be  inhib- 
iting irreverent  speculations  occasioned 
by  such  speeches. 

I  couldn't  guess  if  the  children  in 
the  audience  liked  it.  I  hope  they 
didn't  feel  they  had  been  spoofed,  as 
MAETERLINCK  so  basely  spoofed  them 
in  The  Blue  Bird,  by  offering  them  a 
grown-ups'  play  "  sicklied  o'er  with  the 
pale  cast  of  thought."  But  the  bigger 
children  gave  the  piece  a  good  welcome, 
and  called  and  acclaimed  the  shrinking 


author. 


T. 


"  3G  MAGXIFICENT,  ACCLIMATISED,  WELL- 
BRED  DAIRY  Cows,  &c.  Many  of  these  wera 
bred  on  the  Premises,  and  others  were  pur- 
chased from  a  renowned  Breeder  of  Friesland 
Cattle,  and  they  need  no  comment  from  the 
Auctioneers,  but  will  speak  for  themselves." 
Katal  Mercury. 

Blowing  their  own  horns,  so  to  speak. 


JANUARY  5,  1916.] 


['INCH.   OR    TIIK    LOMMIN    < 'II  AIM  VA  111. 


17 


Irish  Sergeant.  "KEEP  YEU  HEAD  DOWN  THERE! 

THROUGH  THE  FUT?" 


DON'T  YE  KNOW  THAT'S  THE  VERY  PLACE  THAT  MIKE  ROOXEY   WAS   SHOT 


THEY. 

JUST  lately  I  have  been  thinking 
often  of  Them.  But  Their  image  has 
never  been  more  vividly  in  my  mind 
than  now,  when  I  sit  here  among  the 
aftermath  of  festival.  I  wonder,  for 
example,  are  the  homes  in  which  They 
live  pervaded  with  this  same  dtbris  of 
Christmas  (or,  as  They  themselves  are 
so  fond  of  calling  it,  Yuletido)  ?  Does 
dismembered  turkey  coldly  furnish  forth 
Their  meals?  Are  there  too  many 
calendars,  and  a  litter  of  crumpled 
paper?  And  cards — do  They  send  each 
other  cards?  Stupendous  thought! 

Most  of  all  is  my  fancy  busy  with 
Them  to-morrow,  Tuesday,  December 
the  twenty-eighth.  I  see  Them  rising, 
a  little  wearily,  perhaps,  and  heavy- 
eyed.  Breakfast  They  snatch,  and  so 
out  into  the  winter  morning  towards 
that  place  where,  unknown  and  unre- 
cognised, They  pursue  throughout  the 
year  Their  changeless  toil.  I  imagine 
Them  gathering  with  mutual  greetings 
in  the  workroom  —  a  little  company 
about  whose  features  I  have  so  often 
speculated.  Poets  are  there,  and  artists ; 
probably  some  among  the  men  may 
wear  their  hair  a  trifle  longer  than  the 
military  fashion  of  to-day ;  but  the 


greater  part  of  tho  crowd  are  almost 
certainly  women.  Now  the  talk  dies 
down ;  presently  They  are  all  once 
more  bending  in  silence  over  Their 
appointed  tasks. 

Yes,  here  at  one  desk  is  the  artist  to 
whose  genius  we  owe  the  obese  robin 
perched  upon  a  horse-shoe,  or  the 
churchyard  by  moonlight  after  (appar- 
ently) a  severe  spangle-storm.  Here 
again  a  poet,  whose  eye  in  a  fine  frenzy 
rolling  proclaims  an  inspiration,  or  at 
least  some  subtle  variant  upon  a 
familiar  theme.  He  stoops  and,  even 
as  I  watch,  has  traced  swiftly,  with 
vibrant  pen,  this  couplet: — 

"  The  old,  old  wish  I  send  to  thcc, 
Jocund  may  thy  Xmas  be  1 " 

Then,  with  a  little  sigh,  he  leans 
back,  satisfied  that  for  him  the  holi- 
day intermission  had  not  rusted  the 
fine  edge  of  originality.  "  Jocund  " 
proved  that. 

Behind  him  perhaps  sits  a  maiden 
like  Fate,  who  with  abhorred  shears 
fashions  strange  shapes  and  borderings 
of  foliage  unknown  to  mere  nature. 
And  further  still,  in  yonder  obscure 
and  shadowy  corner,  is  one  who  by 
her  art  can  penetrate  the  future  and 
outstrip  the  foot  of  Time  himself.  For 


see,  upon  her  cards,  there  is  already 
written — 

"  With  every  blessing  good  and  true 

May  the  New  Year  be  packed, 

And  1917  bring  to  you 

What  191C  lacked." 

I  wonder — how  does  their  work  seem 
to  Them  upon  this  morning  after 
Boxing-day  ? 

What  to  do  with  our  Boy*. 
"Bun-Provcr  wanted,  20-25 Trays  Capacity." 
Portsmouth  Evening  Neves. 

Not  from  the  Cocoa  Press. 
"  At  a  concert  given  in  the  sick  bay,  H.M.S. 
Crystal  Palace,  34  large  boxes  of  chocolates 
were  distributed  among  the  patients.  Mr. 
Balfour  sent  a  telegram  wishing  the  men  a 
speedy  recovery." — The  Times. 

The  following  advertisement  appeared 
on  Dec.  23  :— 

"Lady  recommends  her  Companion-Hose- 
kcoper." — Morning  Paper. 

She  was  not  going  to  risk  her  own 
Christmas  stocking. 

"  It  is  no  easy  thing  to  replace  an  artist  of 
the  quality  of  Miss  Lily  Elsie,  who,  in  spite 
of  the  warmth  of  her  reception  at  His 
Marty's  Theatre,  recently  took  so  severe  a 
chill  that  the  doctor  would  not  hear  of  her 
]>la\  ing  again  for  some  time." — Daily  Mail. 

The  figurative  has  no  chance  with  the 
actual. 


18 


PUNCH,  OH  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[.JANUARY  5,  1916. 


AT    THE    SOURCE. 

"On,"  said  Franceses,  mining  into  the  library,  "I  see 
you  're  busy  with  your  papers.  Don't  let  me  disturb  you.' 

"If,"  I  said,  "it  depended  on  me  I  wouldn't.  I  'd  take 
you  at  your  word  and  have  you  out  of  the  room  in  two- 
twos.  But  you  wouldn't  like  that,  now,  would  you?  " 

"  I  'm  afraid  I  should  have  to  enter  a  protest.  That 's 
right,  isn't  it?  Protests  are  tilings  that  have  to  be  entered, 
aren't  they  ?  " 

"Yes,"  I  said,  "they're  like  candidates  for  examina- 
tions, or  rooms,  only  some  rooms  oughtn't  to  be  entered, 
but  are." 

"  Jocose  ?  "  said  Francesca. 

"  No,"  I  said ;  "  I  was  thinking  of  Blue  Beard.  I  dare- 
say you  remember  about  him.  He  was  a  very  uxorious 
man,  you  know,  and  most  domestic.  Something  of  a 
traveller,  and  when " 

"We  won't  worry  about  Blue  Beard,"  she  said.  "I 
think  I  know  the  outlines  of  his  family  history." 

"  Well  then,"  I  said,  "  why  can't  you  leave  me  alone  ? 
You  see  I  'm  busy  and  yet  you  insist  on  staying  here  and 
interrupting  me.  Do  you  call  that  being  a  helpmeet  ?  " 

"  Well,"  she  said,  "  I  call  it  joining  myself  unto  you,  and 
that 's  what  we  were  told  to  do  to  one  another  in  the 
marriage  service." 

"You're  wrong,"  I  said.  "  I  was  told  to  do  that  unto 
you,  but  you  were  told  to  submit  yourself  unto  me  and  to 
reverence  me." 

"  It 's  all  the  same,"  she  said.  "  All  I  'm  doing  is  to  help 
you  to  obey  the  Prayer-Book." 

"  Anyhow,"  I  said,  "  you  've  sat  down  and  you  mean  to 
stay  here.  Is  that  what  it  comes  to  ?  " 

"  It  is,"  she  said.  "  You  're  in  tremendous  guessing  form 
to-day." 

"  All  I  know,"  I  said  gloomily,  "  is  that  if  my  return  for 
Income  Tax  contains  many  mistakes  it  '11  be  your  fault,  not 
mine ;  and  I  shall  take  care  so  to  inform  the  CHANCELLOR 
OF  THE  EXCHEQUER.  I  shall  put  down  in  the  Exemptions 
and  Abatements, '  Interrupted  by  wife.  Abatement  claimed, 
£100.'  The  CHANCELLOR  will  understand.  He  's  a  married 
man  himself." 

"^So  you're  doing  your  Income  Tax,"  she  said  dreamily. 
"I've  often  wondered  how  that  was  done.  Do  YOU 
like  it?" 

"  No,  Francesca,"  I  said,  "  I  do  not  like  it.  To  be  quite 
frank  with  you  I  detest  it." 

''But  you  're  helping  the  War,"  she  said.  "  That  ought 
to  buck  you  up  like  anything.  Every  extra  penny  you  pay 
is  a  smack  m  the  eye  for  the  KAISER,  so  cheer  up  and  make 
a  good  big  return." 

"  I  will  do,"  I  said,  "  what  is  strictly  fair  between  myself 
and  the  Government.  I  can  afford  to  be  just  to"  the 
CHANCELLOR,  but,  by  Heaven,  I  cannot  afford  to  be 
generous.  Generosity  has  no  place  in  an  Income  Tax 
return." 

"Go  ahead  with  it  then,"  she  said.  "I  don't  know 
what 's  stopping  you." 

"You,"  I  said,  "are  stopping  me— you  and  that  part  of 
my  income  from  which  the  tax  is  not  deducted  at  the 
source." 

"That  sounds  quite  poetical,"  she  said.  "It  runs  into 
metre  directly.  Listen  : — 

No  man  can  uvll  be  rude  or  even  coarso 
Who  lias  his  tax  deducted  at  the  source. 

But  I  wish  you  'd  tell  me  what  it  means." 

"  Francesca,"  I  said  bitterly,  "  you  are  pleased  to  be  a 
rhymer.  You  are,  in  fact,  rhyming  while  the  exchequer  is 


burning ;  and  then  you  add  insult  to  injury  by  asking  me 
the  meaning  of  an  elementary  financial  phrase." 

"  Well,  what  does  it  mean '.'  " 

"It  means,"  I  said,  "that  if  your  money  is  invested  in 
public  companies  or  things  of  that  nature,  then  when  your 
half-yearly  dividend—  You  know  what  a  dividend  is  ?  " 

"  leather,"  she  said.  "  It  comes  in  on  blue  paper  or  pink, 
and  you  say,  '  That 's  something  to  be  thankful  for ; '  and 
you  write  your  name  on  one  half  of  it  and  you  send 
that  half  to  the  bank,  and  you  tear  off  the  other  half  and 
lose  it  in  the  next  spring-cleaning.  I  know  what  a  dividend 
is  all  right." 

"Francesca,"  I  said,  " your  knowledge  is  very  wonderful. 
But  if  you  suppose  that  that  is  the  whole  dividend,  you  are 
much  mistaken.  It  is  the  dividend  minus  the  tax.  The 
company  saves  you  trouble  by  deducting  the  tax  and  pays 
it  to  the  CHANCELLOR  for  you." 

"  Bravo  the  company !  "  said  Francesca. 

"  And  so  say  I.  You  see  you  never  get  that  part  of  your 
money,  so  there  's  no  temptation  to  spend  it — in  fact  you 
don't  spend  it." 

"  That,"  she  said,  "  sounds  highly  plausible." 

"  Yes,  but  listen.  Suppose  you  've  got  some  little  job  at, 
say,  two  hundred  and  fifty  pounds  a  year " 

"  Like  the  little  job  you  were  so  pleased  to  get  a  few 
years  ago." 

"  Yes,"  I  said,  "  more  or  less  like  that.'' 

"  Not  so  honourable,  of  course,"  said  Francesca. 

"  No,  of  course  not,  but  similar  as  to  emoluments.  Well, 
in  that  case  you  get  the  whole  amount,  and  you  spend  it  in 
perfectly  useless  things  and  forget  all  about 'it  after  you've 
put  it  down  in  your  return ;  and  then  suddenly  some 
Surveyor  of  Taxes  writes  and  demands  Income  Tax  on 
those  two  hundred  and  fifty  pounds,  actually  demands 
something  like  forty  pounds.  I  tell  you,  it  goes  through 
you  like  a  knife." 

"  Haven't  you  any  remedy?  " 

"Of  course  I  could  chuck  the  job,"  I  said,  "or  do  it  for 
nothing.  Yes,  I  think  I'll  chuck  it.  It'll  be  a  lesson 
io  them." 

"Yes,"  she  said,  "it  would  probably  make  the  Govern- 
ment sit  up— but,  on  the  whole,  I  don't  think  I  should  go 
so  far  if  I  were  you.  You  see " 

"  Go  on,"  I  said,  for  she  was  hesitating.  "  Let  us  strip 
ourselves  of  everything  at  once  and  throw  ourselves  on 
'he  charity  of  our  neighbours." 

"Well,"  she  said,  "I'd  go  on  for  a  bit.     A  job's  a  job 
iven  if  it  does  make  you  pay.    You  Ve  had  £210  on  balance, 
and  you  ought  to  be  thankful  to  have  been  allowed  to  pay 
'orty  pounds  for  munitions." 

"And  now,"  I  said,  "perhaps  you'll  let  me  get  on  with 
my  work." g.  c.  L. 

The  Pull-Through: 
Being  a  paraphrase  of  an  answer  in  an  O.T.C.  examination. 

Just  one  long  pull,  a  straight  strong  pull— no  other  pull 

will  do ; 
A  man  must  never  take  two  pulls  to  pull  the  pull-through 

through. 

Village  Amenities. 

"  The  hearty  congregational  stinging  was  a  feature  of  church  life 
to  be  proud  of." — Parish  MagcuMtt. 


••  WANTKM.— Comfortable  Home  with  private  family  for  Gentleman 
who  is  not  strong  in  Brighton,  Eastbourne,  or  St.  Leonards." 

The  Times. 
The  poor  fellow  should  try  Bournemouth  or  Torquay. 


JANUARY  ~>,   1916.] 


,   Oil    TIIH    LONDON    CII.MMVAIM. 


19 


GETTING    EVEN. 

Outraged  rictim  of  "Confidential  Report"  (being  put  to  b:d  prematurely).  "PLEASE,   GOD,   NunsE  sarco  FOR  HER  SOLDIER  on 
SUNDAY !  " 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
IF  it  should  ever  be  your  lot,  which  pray  Heaven  forbid, 
to  be  stranded  on  the  coast'  of  Panama,  seek  out  Miss 
WINIFRED  JAJIKS  as  your  hostess,  for  she  can  teach  you 
how  to  tolerate,  and  even  in  a  way  enjoy,  an  existence  one 
might  have  thought  unendurable.  She  lives,  I  gather, 
some  two  hundred  miles  or  so  from  the  Canal,  in  a  town 
that  is  going  to  be  built  some  tine  day  on  a  site  that  has 
to  be  prepared  by  filling  up  a  marsh  with  clay  and  sand. 
In  the  meantime,  until  tho  day  and  the  town  arrive,  she 
rightly  describes  herself  as  .-1  Woman  in  the  Wilderness 
(CHAPMAN  AND  II  \\.\,).  Civilisation  is  turned  back  to  front 
out  there,  for  although  such  comforts  as  refrigerators  and 
electric  light  are  a  matter  of  course,  there  is  still  lacking 
to  .1/ix  Henry  <le  Jan  and  her  rather  shadowy  William 
anything,  for  instance,  in  the  nature  of  a  road  on  which  to 
walk,  or  indeed  any  approach  to  their  own  verandah  except, 
floating  on  the  clay,  a  narrow  plank  gangway  that  has  to 
serve  as  a  bust  ling  high-road  for  a  mixed  and  dusky 
populace.  I'nder  the  circumstances  she  has  done  nobly 
well  to  arm  herself  with  the  twin  defences  of  cheerfulness 
and  humour ;  and  if  the  cheerfulness  comes  at  times  near 
to  being  that  of  a  martyr  on  the  rack,  while  the  fun  is 
perilously  apt  to  swing  from  themes  that  are  nice  for  a 


lady's  wit  to  others  that  are  not  so  nice,  and  back  to  sheer 
triviality,  what,  in  the  name  of  a  population  of  sand-flies 
and  negroes,  can  you  expect  ?  It  is  much  that  so  lifelike 
a  picture  of  a  region  so  desolate  should  be  presented  on 
the  whole  with  sweetness  and  charm,  when  no  better 
material  is  available  than  the  myriad  misdeeds  of  her 
coloured  servants,  the  antics  of  her  puppies  and  an  occasional 
reminiscence  of  home. 


Certainly  VIOLET  HUNT  and  FORD  MADOX  HUEFFER  have 
one  achievement  to  their  credit.  They  have  evolved  an 
entirely  new  and  original  setting  in  which  to  bring  together 
a  number  of  short  stories.  What  is  supposed  to  happen  is 
that  sundry  persons  who  did  not  feel  exactly  drawn  towards 
bed  before  2  A.M.  on  those  summer  nights  when  Zeppelins 
were  about,  meet  for  bridge  and  sandwiches  and  incident- 
ally to  listen  to  certain  stories  read  aloud  by  their  author. 
In  this  way  they  are  able  to  forget  their  apprehensions  of 
the  gas-bags  (dare  I  put  it  that  they  lose  Count  ?)  and  spend 
a  pleasant  series  of  evenings  with  history.  For  the  stories 
in  Zeppelin  Xi<jhts  (LANE)  are  all  historical  of  a  kind. 
Mostly  they  deal  with  the  byways  of  history,  or  rather  with 
the  emotions  of  ordinary  people  who  are  just  on  the  outer 
edge  of  historical  happenings.  For  example,  the  central 
figure  of  the  first  is  a  slave  whose  basket  of  figs  is  upset  by 
PHEIDIPPIDES  running  from  Marathon  ;  while  the  last  con- 


20 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY   5,    1916. 


C.-ITMS  an  insignificant  little  anti-militarist  who  finds  himsell 
cheering  for  tlio  army  on  the  outbreak  of  the  Boer  \Var. 


keen  sense  of  the  beauty  of  nature  and  the  beauty  of 
words.  Children  should  love  these  Himalayan  sketches, 
for  Mr.  EuNDALii,  from  material  which  in  some  cases  was 


That  is*  the.  kind  of  tales  they  are,  slight  and  momentary 
thin"s  with  no  plot  hut  plenty  of  atmosphere,  and  in  j  admittedly  slight,  could  weave  a  tale  full  of  magic  and 
their  style  remarkably  well  done.  Whether  they  would  charm.  The  story  of  the  old  brown  bear  m  "  The  Scape- 
a-t null v' keep  the  n.'rve -ridden  oblivious  of  bombs  for  the  goat"  may  not  greatly  stir  the  heart  with  the  thrill  of 
thousand-and-one  nights  that  might  have  seen  raids  and  '  adventure,  but  the  hero  has  attractions  that  no  child  and 
didn't  is  a  matter  that  need  not  concern  us.  For  my  part,  no  man  that  has  not  forgotten  his  childhood  could  resist. 
I  liked  as  much  as  any  the  pages  in  which  Miss  HUNT  or  An  inconspicuous  notice  in  the  book  tells  us  that  the 
.Mi-.  HUKI-TKK  folded  up  her  or  his  manuscript  and  allowed  author  fell  in  action  towards  the  close  of  1914.  I  salute 
the  other  (whichever  it  was)  to  tell  us  about  the  very  his  memory.  Rich  aa  we  are  to-day  in  authors  who  can 
:•  and  human  audience.  I  had  only  one  disappoint-  write  enchantingly  of  birds  and  animals,  I  feel  a  sense  of 
ment,  but  that  was  acute.  I  did  want  just  once  for  them  personal  sorrow  in  the  loss  of  one  whose  work  gave  so  fail- 
to  hear  a  distant  bang,  and  see  what  happened.  I  rather  a  promise  of  high  achievement. 
doubt  whether  the  placid  and  literary  charm  of  the  tales 
would  have  sufficed  to  keep  them  within  doors  had  there 
been  anything  to  see  outside. 


'  In  his  hot  indignation  his  yellowish  face  had  in  places 


When  you  take  up  Russian  Folk-Tales  (REGAN,  PAUL), 
don't  allow  yourself  to  be  subdued  by  the  deplorably  learned 
preface  of  the  translator,  Mr.  LEONARD  MAGNUS,  LL.B., 


because  it  is  not  the  proper  attitude  really. 


turned   blackish  :    literally, 
black  streaks  ran  from  the 
corners  of  his  lips  upwards 
and  downwards,  and    from 
the    inner  corners    of    his 
eyes."      If  you   read   that 
sentence  in   a  novel   with 
Mr.  EDGAB  JEPSON'S  name 
on    the   cover,   and   founfl 
that  the  passage  was  a  de- 
scription of  a  man  named 
Shadrach.  Penny,  would  you 
not,  as  I  did,  settle  down 
comfortably   in   your  arm- 
chair and  wait  with  perfect ! 
confidence  for  the   human ! 
zebra  to  murder  somebody  ; 
in   the   most   fascinatingly 
brutal  manner  ?    But  he  did  | 
not    do    anything    of    the ; 
kind.    I  think  that  the  fact 
that  I  was  disappointed  in, 
and   even   seriously    bored 
by,    The   Nan    Who    Came 
Back  (HUTCHINSON)  was  | 
largely  due  to  the  mild,  dull 


Recruit,  "Aw — I   SAY, 

BIT  TOO  TALL  FOB  ME." 

Sergeant  (old  scliool).  "OH  ! 


way  in  which  the  story  developed.  And  yet  I  think  I  could 
have  forgiven  the  absence  of  lurid  sensationalism  if  the 
book  had  been  a  good  book  of  its  kind.  It  is  not.  It  is  so 
crude  and  amateurish  that  it  is  difficult  to  believe  that  a 
professional  writer  could  have  written  it.  Mr.  JEPSON,  like 
most  other  authors,  has  had  the  idea  of  modernising  the 
story  of  the  Prodigal  Son.  He  adheres  to  the  original  story 
closely  in  one  respect,  for  Roland  Pcmuj's  first  meal  in  his 
old  home  consists  of  roast  veal,  but  he  departs  from  it  in 
making  Roland,  so  far  from  wasting  his  substance,  amass 
a  large  fortune  among  the  husks  and  swine.  I  do  not 
know  how  to  classify  The  Man  Who  Came  Back.  It  is  not 
a  novel  of  incident,  for  nothing  happens  in  it.  It  is  not  a 
novel  of  character,  for  there  is  no  attempt  at  any  but  the 
crudest  character-drawing.  It  is  just  a  six-shilling  novel, 
and  I  do  not  ses  what  else  one  can  say  of  it.  Mr.  JEPSON 
must  do  one  of  two  things.  He  must  either  brace  up  and 
make  his  style  less  irritatingly  slipshod,  or  he  must  give  us 
a  few  more  murders.  If  we  cannot  have  literary  elegance 
h'j  must  give  us  blood. 


Lieutenant  L.  B.  RUNDALL,  of  the  1st  Gurkha  Rifles, 
author  of  The  Ilex  of  Strii-Phiy  (MAO  MILL  AN),  was  not  only 
a  soldier  and  a  sportsman,  but  a  writer  with  a  most 


Forget  how 

little  business  a  Bachelor 
of  Lawr  has  to  lay  his 
sceptical  hands  on  such 
inappropriate  material,  and 
plunge,  into  a  jolly,  be- 
wildering tangle  of  tales 
of  magic  and  adventure, 
bloodthirstiness  and  treach- 
ery, simple  charity,  vodka 
and  genial  superstition. 
You  will  be  led  from  one 
to  the  other,  puzzled  but, 
I  dare  conjecture,  highly 
entertained.  I  think  you 
may  take  it,  too,  that  a 
certain  healthy  sort  of 
children  will  like  to  have 
these  queer  stories  read 
aloud.  The  villainies  of 
the  Bdba  Yagd,  an  old 
witch  of  terrific  resource- 
fulness, and  the  oddly  in- 
consequent animal  stories 
should  make  particular  ap- 
peal. But  you  will  be  hard 
put  to  it  to  answer  the 
questions  which  will  be  thrust  at  you ;  and  (by  the  way) 
perhaps  you  will  discreetly  have  to  leave  out  a  phrase  or 
two  for  prudence'  sake.  On  no  account  let  the  youngsters 
read  the  preface.  I  am  not  really  quite  sure  whether  you 
ought  to  read  it  yourself. 


SERGEANT — I  'M   AFRAID   THIS   HORSE   is   A 


AND  DOES  THE  COLOUR  SUIT  YOU,  SlR  ?  " 


The  Charge  of  the  Six  Hundred. 

Some  three-score  years  or  so  ago  sis  hundred  gallant  men 
Made  a  charge  that  cost  old  England  dear,  they  lost  four 

hundred  then ; 
To-day  six  hundred  make  a  charge  that  costs  the  country 

dear, 
But   now   they   take   four   hundred   each  —  four    hundred 


pounds  a  year. 


"Somebody  to  st3.il  of  my  cabbage,  cauliflower,  old  potato,  new 
potato,  and  a  small  rake  and  hooks,  fork.  Everything.  Somebody 
snatch  on  Thursday  and  Saturday  night.  Perhaps  anybody  to  see  the 
steal  man  to  take  something  from  my  garden  to  tell  me  about  that 
is  I  will  reward  five  pounds  truth,  £3  for  tell-tale. — WONG  LONG." 

Poverty  Bay  Herald. 

WONG  LONO  apparently  differs  from  the  accepted  authorities 
as  to  the  value  of  hearsay  evidence. 


JANI'AKY     1-2,    I'.Ufi.i 


PUNCH,    <>!!    TIIK    LONDON    UI.MMVAIM. 


•21 


CHARIVARIA. 

TIIKKI:  is  much  satisfaction  in  the 
(Icrmun  Army  ill  the  announcement 
that  iron  coins  to  UK;  value  of  ton 
million  marks  arc  to  be  substituted  for 
nickel  and  copper.  It  is  now  hoped 
that  those  Crosses  may  vet  prove  to  be 
worth  something. 


A   resident    of    Honor   Oak    wrfti 
the   papers  to  say  that   such   was  the 
patriotic    anxiety    of     people     in    his 
neighbourhood    to  pay  their  taxes  at 

the  earliest  possible  moment  that  ho 
found  a  long  queue  before  the  collector's 
door  on  .binu;ir\  :!rd  and  bad  to  wait 
an  bom-  before  his  turn  came.  On 
rending  his  letter  several  \\Vst-end 
theatres  pat  riotically  offered  the  en] 
lector  the  loan  of  their  "  House  Full" 

boards. 

'  *  ' 

1'riiice  \YlI.l.lAM  OF  \VlKl>,  th. 
ruler  of  Albania,  is  at  ))rosent  ill  Serbia, 
feverishly  awaiting  restoration  to  his 
former  dignity.  The,  situation  is  not 
very  favourable,  however,  and  bis 
(icrman  advisers  have  warned  him  to 
curb  bis  Mpretuosity. 

An  American  barque  witli  a  cargo  of 
beans  for  Germany  has  beet)  seized  and 

unloaded  hv  the  Swedish  authorities. 
A  cruel  Eate  seems  to  overtake  every 
effort  of  the  I  uited  States  to  give 
Germany  these  necessary  cominoilities. 

:!:  ' 

Among  the  suspicious  articles  dis- 
covered at  the  Bulgarian  Consulate  in 

Sidomka  was  a  large  stock  of  red 
brassards.  Mul.  the  interence  that,  thev 
belonged  to  members  of  the  British 
V.T.C.,  who  were  determined  to  fight 
for  the  enemy  rather  than  not  light  at 
all,  is  certainly  premature. 

Several  inmates  of  the  Swansea 
workhouse,  having  been  told  that 
margarine  was  to  be  served  out.  instead 
of  butter,  returned  their  portions,  only 
to  discover  (hat  it,  was  butter  after  all. 
As  similar  incidents  have  occurred  in 
many  other  establishments  it  is  sug- 
gested that  margarine  should  in  future 
be  dyed  scni'let  or  blue  in  order  to 
prev  cut  a  repetition  of  these  embarrass- 
ing contretemps.  ...  ^ 

Sir  .Ions  SIMON,  in  the  debate  on  the 
Compulsion  Bill,  said  that  the  alleged 
660,000  slackers  were  arrived  at  "  by 
subtracting  two  figures  from  one 
another."  Everyone  must  agree  with 
him  that  if  that  was  the  method  em- 
pi'  iyed  the  result  would  be  '•  negligible." 

In  a  tram-car  in  a  Northern  city,  as 
the  girl-conductor  went  round  for  fares, 


Major  (di.si  itx^inij  Jelinifitfiit  Snlxilttrn).  "  BUT  TIIICBK—  WHAT  CAN  you  KXI-I 

UK'S  OXLV  ONE  OF  THOSE   TEXFOB.tltr  BLIOHTEBS  !  " 

Colonel  (su-ci'tty). . "  BUT  ISN'T  THAT  BETTEB  THAK  BEING  A  PEIUUXUXT  BLIGHTEB?" 


a  "nut"  tried  to  take  a  rise  out  of  her  '••  fellow-passengers.  They  related  that 
by  asking  for  a  ticket  to  "  Gallipoli."  j  they  had  every  week  to  take  a  long 
Bne  charged  him  for  the  full  length  of  slow  duty  journey  which  was  "the 
the  tram  journey,  and  as  soon  as  the  limit  "  ;  but  lately  it  had  taken  on 
tram  arrived  at  a  recruiting  office  she  a  different  aspect,  for  "noir,"  said 
rang  the  hell  and  said,  "You  change  |  Tommy,  "  when  you  get  too  bored  you 
'  .......  0:"  *—  '"'-"•'-  " 


here,  Sir,  for  Gallipoli.' 


The  KvisKit  thinks  it  very  mean  of 
the  British  Government   to 
Corfu  palace  into  a  hospital. 
marine  commanders  are  now  wonder- 


just  hop  out  and  kiss  the  porter." 


Kxtract  from  a  letter  written   to  a 
turn    bis  loved  one  from  the  Front : — 
His  Sllb-        "  I   ret-rivinl  your  dear  little  note  in  a.  sand- 
bag.    You  say  that  you  hope  the  sandbag  stop, 
...       ,    a  bullet.   Well,   to  tell  the  truth,  I  hope  :i 
ing  how  to  shell  the  inmates  without  ldollX  as  :  ^  ^  pat<;b;ng  ™v 

damaging  their  master's  proper!  v .  \\ith  it." 


The  Militant  Suffragette  who  some 
yens     ago    damaged     the    Velasquez 
Venus  with  an  axe  has  just  published 
a  novel,  of  which  the  hero  is  a  plumber 
who  thought  he  was  a  poet.    It  ought  to  J 
be  called  "The  Burst  Pipe,"  but  isn't, 
'V:: 

\\Omen  are  now  employed  on  some! 
of    the    railway^    in    the    North.     A 
traveller  recently  had  two  Tommies  for 


Prince  VON  BI/ELOW,  who  has  been 
for  some  time  in  Switzerland,  has 
obtained  an  increase  in  the  number  of 
his  secretaries,  of  whom  he  now  has  a 
round  dozen.  Several  of  the  poor 
fellows  are  suffering  from  writer's 
cramp  through  having  to  pen  so  many 
letters  explaining  that  the  Prince  is  at 
Lucerne  purely  (or  the  sake  of  his 
health. 


vor..  cr.. 


22 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON   CHABIVART.  [JANUARY  12,  1916. 


THE    BATTLE    OF    THE    PASS. 

'••This  Hill  was  'selling  the  pass.'  "—Sir  ll//.;./.(.v  Bu.i:*,  in  the 
',  en  The  Military  Serviot  Hill.] 

"  WHAT  though  against  our  sacred  front 

They  muster,  miles  on  miles, 
I  am  resolved  to  stick  the  brunt," 

Said  bc.ld  IIon.\Tirs  BYLKS; 
"  For  Liberty  I  '11  take  my  stand, 

Just  like  a  stout  Berserk, 
And  still  defend  with  bloody  brand 

Our  glorious  Eight  to  Shirk. 

'•  \Yo  've  SIMON,  worth  four  columns'  length  ; 

We've  KKDMONU,  doughty  dog; 
THOMAS  and  those  twin  towers  of  strength, 

PRIXGLE  and  whole-souled  HOGGE  ; 
And  OUTHWAITE — not  our  dearest  foe, 

Bulgar  or  Bosch  or  Turk, 
Could  wish  to  plant  a  ruder  blow 

For  Britain's  Eight  to  Shirk. 

"And,  lastly,  should  the  Tyrant  storm 

The  pass  for  which  we  fight, 
It  must  be  o'er  the  riddled  form 

Of  Me,  the  Champion  Knight; 
Meanwhile,  on  caitiffs  who  would  keep 

The  pledge  wo  bade  them  burke, 
My  lusty  battle-cry  shall  leap : — 

'  God  and  our  Eight  to  Shirk  ! ' ' 
::=  *  ••:•.  *  * 

The  scrap  was  over.     There  he  lay 

Prone  on  the  reeking  grass  ; 
"  SIMON,"  his  faint  lips  strove  to  say, 

"  Somebody  's  sold  the  pass !  " 
"  True,"  said  the  other ;    "  I  descry 

The  NORTHCLIFFE'S  hand  at  work." 
"  Farewell !  "  said  BYLES  ;  "  'tis  sweet  to  die 

For  Britain's  Eight  to  Shirk ! " 


O.S. 


WORLD   WARFARE   OF   THE    BRITISH    FLEET. 

WHAT  IT  HAS  DONE  IN  1915. 

(With  acknowledgments  to  Mr.  ARCHIBALD  HUSD  in  "  The 
Daily  Telegraph.") 

SUPERIORITY,  and  again  Superiority !  In  this  one  word 
lies  the  secret  of  our  success  at  sea.  Yet  it  would  be  hard 
to  say  how  many  careless  civilians  there  are,  taking  all 
things  for  granted,  who  fail  to  recognise  that  fact  even 
now.  Not  numbers  nor  organisation,  nor  men  nor  guns 
nor  ships — though  these  have  counted  for  something — 
have  been  responsible  for  our  victory.  It  has  been  due 
above  all  to  superiority— sheer  superiority. 

Think  what  would  have  happened  if  there  had  been  any 
strategic  fumbling  at  the  opening  of  the  War !  It  is  not 
pleasant  to  reflect  upon  what  might  have  occurred  (had 
not  superiority  stepped  in)  at  the  very  outset  if,  for  in- 
stance, we  had  sent  several  Dreadnoughts  to  catch  the 
Emden.  It  was  strongly  suspected,  mind  you,  that  there 
were  German  armed  vessels  on  the  trade  routes.  As  one 
merchantman  after  another  was  sunk  there  could  no  longer 
be  any  doubt  about  it.  What  if,  in  panic,  we  had  suddenly 
dispersed  our  naval  force  to  every  part  of  the  globe? 
What  then  ?  But  we  didn't.  What  again  if  it  had  been 
determined,  in  accordance  with  some  fanciful  scheme,  to 
concentrate  our  main  striking  force  in  the  Mersey? 
Germany  well  might  have  captured  the  initiative.  But 
authority  was  not  distracted  from  its  primary  purpose. 
\Vas  its  policy  a  success  ?  Come,  now,  was  it  ?  " 


The  old  year  has  gone.  On  January  4th  the  British 
Fleet  had  been  at  war  seventeen  months — roughly  seventy- 
four  weeks  (anyone  can  count  them  up ;  there  is  nothing 
abstruse  about  my  statistics).  In  a  word,  it  might  almost 
be  s:iid,  with  some  approach  to  accuracy,  that  it  has  been  in 
the  throes  of  the  struggle  for  a  year  and  a  half.  Very  well. 

The  German  Flag  has  been  banished  from  the  ocean. 
Not  since  the  War  began  has  a  German  battleship  steamed 
down  the  Channel — nor  a  battle  cruiser,  nor  yet  an 
armoured  cruiser,  nor  even  a  light  cruiser,  nor  a  monitor, 
nor  a  destroyer.  None  of  them — not  one.  Why  is  that  ? 
Because  (vide  supra)  the  German  Fleet  has  been  banished 
from  the  ocean.  It  still  exists,  but  it  is  safely  locked  up 
behind  explosive  agents  (mines)  and  protected  by  submer- 
sive  factors  (submarines).  The  German  Fleet  is  in  a  zareba. 

Let  us  recall  the  striking  words  of  one  of  Germany's 
leading  naval  strategists,  written,  mark  you,  before  the 
War:  "England's  strength  is  mainly  in  her  Fleet."  I 
wonder  now  if  that  is  generally  known. 

He  goes  on  to  define  the  duties  of  a  fleet  in  the  following 
words : — 

(1)  To  avert  invasion. 

(2)  To  keep  the  sea  open  for  the  arrival  of  imports ; 

(3)  And  the  departure  of  exports  ; 

(4)  And  for  the  exit  of  re-exports  ; 

(5)  Also  the  entrance  of  re-imports. 

(6)  To  protect  trade. 

Has  the  British  Fleet  succeeded  ? 

The  German  Flag  is  banished  from  the  seas.  In  Janu- 
ary 1916  the  German  Fleet  is  still  lurking  in  that  /ereba. 
The  Dreadnought  embodied  an  offensive  in  excdsis,  even 
as  the  expansion  of  the  Dreadnought  policy  embodies  an 
offensive  in  extenso  and  imposes  upon  the  enemy  a  defensive 
in  extremis. 

It  is  perhaps  hardly  realised  that  the  performance  of  the 
British  Navy  in  this  War  has  no  parallel  in  history.  In 
the  past,  enemy  frigates  always  succeeded  in  getting  out 
of  ports,  however  close  the  blockade.  But  none  has  broken 
through  this  time — not  a  single  frigate.  On  the  other 
hand  enemy  submarines  may  be  said  to  have  been  more 
formidable  than  in  the  Napoleonic  wars. 

But  the  German  Fleet  is  strong.  I  am  not  one  of  the 
sort  of  humourists  who  hold  it  up  to  contempt  in  its  in- 
activity. For  that  matter  I  am  not  any  sort  of  humourist. 
Perhaps  you  have  found  that  out.  But  the  German  High 
Seas  Fleet  is  no  fit  subject  for  joke.  That  it  has  proved 
harmless  is  due  to  one  thing  alone — superiority. 

And  so  the  War  wags.  All  over  the  high  seas  our 
merchantmen  continue  to  inscribe  their  indelible  furrows. 

And  where  is  the  German  Fleet?  I  think  I  have  answered 
that. 

Here  then  I  conclude  my  synopsis  of  the  work  of  the 
Fleet  in  1915.  And  if  it  be  said  that  it  might  well  have 
stood  almost  word  for  word  as  the  record  of  the  work  of  the 
Fleet  in  1914,  I  may  reply  that  I  sometimes  wistfully 
wonder  if  I  shall  have  to  make  any  alterations  in  the  text 
before  it  goes  to  press  again  this  time  next  year.  Bis. 


Very  Early  Victorian. 

"  Handsomely  carved  early  Victorian  sideboard,  been  in  one  family 
for  a  century." — Advt.  in  "  Horncastle  Netrs." 


From  Mr.  BONAK  LAW'S  speech  as  reported  by  a  morning 
paper : — 

"We  were  quite  ready  to  carry  on  on  the  principle  of  keeping  a 
united  nation  by  keeping  iii  opposition  and  not  facetiously  opposing 
the  Government." 

Unlike  those  eminent  humourists,  Messrs.  HOGGE,  PBIXGLE, 
and  KING. 


ITN<  II,    OR    Till;    LONDON    UIAKI  Y.MM.     JAMDAB1    \~2, 


THE   SECOND   TIME   OF  ASKINC1. 

cs  (with  visions  of  the  conquest  of  Egypt).  "1    SUPPOSE    HE    KNOWS    THE    WAV    THERE.11 
CAMEL  (nfv/V/<vi/-//i;/V  "AND    1 5ACK!" 


.lANl-VIIV     1:2, 


ITNril, 


TIIK    LON 


C||  \I!!V.\I!I. 


20 


&  mm 


Jlarassed  N.C.O. 

MY    HAT   AT  YOU  !  " 


CALL  THAT 


su  ARMS'!     Ii1  I  WAS  Tin:  KING  AXD  you  PUKSEXTED  ARMS  LIKE  THAT,  I'D—  I'D  TIIBJW 


THE   PESSIPHONE. 

IT  is  weary  work  being  a  pessimist 
these  days,  for  the  process  of  corrugat- 
ing tlio  brow  and  groaning  at  the  War 
news  must  of  necessity  entail  much 
energy.  For  sonic  time  past  it  lias 
been  patent  to  sympathetic  observers 
that  what  the  pessimist  to-day  really 
needs  is  a  machine  to  do  the  work  for 
him. 

To  meet  this  want  the  Electrophobia 
Syndicate  have  invented  the  Pessi- 
phono —  a  mixture  of  gramophone 
and  pessimist— believing  that  ho  who 
to-day  can  make  two  whimpers  grow 
\\iiere  one  grew  before  deserves  well  of 
his  country  in  war  time.  With  thePessi- 
phone  there  is  now  absolutely  no  excuse 
for  cheerfulness.  It  is  the  marvel  of 
the  age,  and  has  very  fittingly  been 
deserihed  as  worth  a  guinea  a  groan. 
With  OIK!  pint  of  petrol  the  J'essi- 
phone  will  disseminate  more  depression 
throughout  the  household  in  ten 
minutes  than  could  be  accomplished 
in  a  day  by  thirty  human  pessimists, 

As  soon  as  people  commence  to  be 
ch:  erl'ul  all  you  have  to  do  is  to  pre^s 
the  button  and  hold  <  n  to  something. 
A  child  can  si  art  it  but  nobody  can 
Btop  it.  Ten  minute*  is  all  that  is 


sufficient  to  give  a  whole  family  melan- 
cholia or  creeping  dyspepsia.  It  has 
been  known  to  be  fatal  at  200  yards' 
range.  Messrs.  WILKIE  BARD  and 
GEORGE  GRAVES  have  already  offered  a 
heavy  reward  for  the  body  dead  or  alive 
of  the  inventor — a  fact  which  speaks 
highly  for  the  machine  and  its  maker. 

When  the  instrument  was  first  tried 
on  a  select  party  of  confirmed  opti- 
mists two  of  them  rushed  out  of  the 
office  and  have  not  been  heard  of  since, 
while  the  others  clawed  savagely  at 
the  oflice  mat. 

No  burglar  will  go  near  it.  It  will 
drive  away  rate-collectors  and  poor 
relations.  One  client  has  already  used 
it  on  his  mother-in-law  with  favourable 
results. 

The  Pessipbone  is  fitted  with  a  little 
oil-bath,  all  black  fittings,  self-start- 
ing lever,  Stormy  Arthur  two-speed 
gear,  thus  rendering  it  easy  of  change 
from  "Mildly  Miserable"  to  "Devas- 
tating," and  the  whole  is  packed  com- 
plete with  accessories  and  delivered 
carriage  free  to  your  back  garden, 
where  it  may  be  let  loose. 

The  following  letters  from  grateful 
passimistB  -  -  all  involuntary  contri- 
butions— speak  for  themselves:-- 

GKNTI.DMKX,     For  \  ears  I  have beon 


troubled  with  ginger  hair,  but  since 
using  the  Pessiphone  I  have  had  the 
,  beastly  stuff  turn  grey. 

DEAR  SIRS, — I  used  to  read  The 
Mocnihuj  Hcrulil  aloud  each  morning, 
but  I  now  use  the  Pessiplione  with 
more  deadly  effect. 

HOUSEHOLDER  writes :  Please  turn 
the  Pessiphone  off  at  the  main.  None 
of  my  family  has  been  able  to  get  near 
the  house  for  five  days. 

GOLDER'S  GREEN  says :  The  other 
day  the  butcher's  boy,  cheerful  as 
usual,  was  coming  up  the  garden  patli 
whistling,  and  though  it  may  hardly 
seem  credible  this  so  affected  the  Pessi- 
phone that  it  actually  jumped  off  the 
table  and  bit  the  bov. 


A  Change  of  Cure. 

"  Tho  Infectious  Diseases  Hospital  at 
Colchester  hns  been  appointed  to  the  vicarage 
of  Hurst  Green,  Ktchiiigham.  Sussex." 

Kssex  and  llalstcad  Times. 


From  a  chemist's  reminiscences: — 
"In  the  early  part  of  the  last  century  the 

sale  of  leeches  was  one  of  the  most  important. 

Doctors  hlnl  tlii-ir  patients  for  every  inia^in- 
naat.      T.>-day  all  that  we  can 

leeches  is  that  we  just  keep  them.'' — Observer. 

As  pets,  we  suppose. 


26 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[.JANUARY  12,  1916. 


RULES   FOR  HERO-NAILERS. 

THK  following  notice  appears  daily 
in  the  WUhelmshanxner  Tini<'l>l<ilt. 

The  statue  to  which  it  refers,  known 

as  "The  Trusty  Look-Out,"  represents 

;;  seaman  in  oilskins  looking  out  over 

North    Sea.     The   face   is  that  of 

MIX  TIHPITZ. 

THK    TKl/STY   LOOK-OUT. 

Nails  may  be  driven  into  the  statue  »" 
\\rrk-da\s  between  11  and  1,  and  on  Sundays 
between  ID  and  5.  The  sale  of  tickets  for 
Nails  and  Shields  takes  place  at  the  Treasury 
of  the  Town  Hall  during  office  hours,  and 
also  ut  the  time  for  driving  ju  Nails  on 
the  spot. 

Further,  tickets  for  iron  Nails  may  be 
bought  in  the  following  shops  :  (here  folloirx 
ii  list  i if  three  biHiksellers,  one  general  store  ami 
sir  tobacco  shojis\. 

The  prices  are  fixed  at : — 
0.50  m.  for  an  iron  Nail. 
5.00  m.  for  a  silver  Nail. 
10.00  m.  for  a  small  gold  Nail. 
20.00  m.  for  a  larger  gold  Nail. 

Anyone  who  buys  100,  '200,  300 
or  400  marks,  worth  of  iron  Nails 
ivreives  a  silver  Shield  with  a  cor- 
responding inscription  ;  similarly, 
a  gold  Shield  for  iron  Nails  to  the 
value  of  500  and  more  marks. 
WHOEVER  CHANGES  A 10  MARK  GOLD 

PIECE     RECEIVES      AN      IRON      NAIL 
FREE. 

For  the  purpose  of  preparing 
inscriptions  on  Shields  the  date  on 
which  it  is  proposed  to  drive  in 
the  Nails  must  be  notified  at  the 
Treasury  three  days  in  advance. 

If  clubs,  societies,  or  other  col- 
lections of  people  wish  to  drive  in 
their  Nails  in  private  parties  they 
are  requested  to  get  into  touch 
with  the  Municipal  Architect,  Mr. 
Zopff ,  with  a  view  to  fixing  the  day 
and  hour,  in  order  that  no  delay 
may  be  caused  by  overcrowding. 


of  skill  is  responsible  for  the  delay 
and  will  drive  home  the  offending 
nail  himself. 

(4)  If  any  person  offers  resistance 
to  this  procedure  he  or  she  will  be 
nailed  to  the  statue  by  the  Municipal 
nail-driver  as  a   Warning  to  others. 
A  large  iron  nail  will  be  used  for  this 
purpose,  the  charge  for  which  will 
be  added  to  the  death-duties. 

(5)  It  is  unpatriotic  and  un-Ger- 
man  to  use  bad  language  when  driv- 
ing in  nails.      However,  in  view  of 
the   well-known   tenderness   of   the 
human  heart  and  the  high  state  of 
nervous  tension  in  which  many  per- 
sons of  an  ardent  patriotic  disposi- 
tion may  be  expected  to  perform  this 


supreme   act  of   symbolic  devotion, 
those  who  drive  in  iron  nails  will  be 


NIGHT    OPERATIONS. 

"  STORM  or  no  storm,"  said  Charles, 
"  as  a  medical  man  I  can't  stick  this 
fug  any  longer." 

He  disappeared  behind  the  heavy 
anti-Zepp  curtains  and  opened  the  win- 
dow. A  piercing  draught  caught  the 
back  of  Bill's  neck  and  he  sat  up. 

"Look  here,"  he  said  crossly,  "this 
is  no  night  for  a  poor  Special  to  go  out 
in.  Can't  I  send  a  medical  certificate 
instead  ?  " 

"You  cannot,"  replied  Charles.  "I 
will  not  be  a  party  to  such  evasions." 

"  It 's  pouring  with  rain  and  blowing 
a  gale.  No  Zepp  ever  hatched  would 
conic  over  to-night." 


Wtlhelmthaven,  llth  December,  1915. 
For  the  Municipal  Council. 

(Signed)    BARTELT. 

Not  in  a  spirit  of  carping  criticism, 
but  as  earnest  admirers  of  German 
forethought  and  thoroughness  (Griintl- 
lichkeit),  we  feel  it  our  duty  to  point 
out  that  there  are  a  few  contingencies 
for  which  these  otherwise  admirable 
regulations  fail  to  provide,  and  we  beg 
leave  to  suggest  to  the  Municipal 
Council  of  Wilhelmshaven  the  follow- 
ing additions : — 

(1)  It  is  unpatriotic  and  un-Ger- 
man  to  spend  more  time  than  neces- 
sary in  driving  in  nails,  as  standing- 
room,  the  number  of  hammers  and 
the  patience  of  the  officials  are  all 
limited. 

(2)  The  limit  of  time  allowed  for 
driving  in  one  nail  is  one  minute,  for 
a  silver  nail  two  minutes,  for  a  small 
gold  nail  two  and  a-half  minutes  and 
for  a  large  gold  nail  three  minutes. 

(3)  If  in  any  case  the  time-limit 
is  exceeded  the  Municipal  nail-driver 
will  displace  the  person  whose  lack 


"That's  not   the   point,    Bill."    Kit 
unexpectedly  opened  one  eye.     "  How 
allowed  to  swear  once  for  each  nail, '  are  Charles  and  I  to  sleep" soundly  in 

our  warm  beds  unless  we 
know  you  're  outside,  guarding 
us  ?  " 

"  That 's  right,"  growled  Bill. 
"  Rub  it  in.  Your  turn  to-mor- 
row, anyway." 

The  other  two  sang  the 
praises  of  bed  in  fervent  anti- 
!  strophe  till  at  last  Bill  rose  with 
a  groan  and  assumed  his  over- 
coat, badge  and  truncheon.  He 
stopped  at  the  door. 

"  Charles,"  said  he,  "  if  after 
tins  night's  work  I  die  of 
bronchial  catarrh,  unzepp'd, 
unhonotired  and  unsung — 

"  Good     night,     dear     old 
thing,"      interposed     Charles 
sweetly.       "  Run     away     and 
1  play,  there 's    a    good    child ; 
1  Uncle's  tired." 
He  disappeared  to  bed. 
An  hour  later  he  was  awakened  by  a 
tremendous  knocking  at  the  front-door. 


BEJABERS!     IF  YOU'RE  OETTIN'  ON,  I'M  GETTIN'  OFF!" 


or  seven  times  for  half-a-dozen 
nails,  whilst  a  higher  proportion  of 
swear  words  will  be  allowed  for  silver 


and  gold  nails,  on  the  progressive  lines   Resolutely  turning  on  to  his  other  side, 
laid  down  in  (2).  he  tried  to  ignore  it,  but  the  fusillade 

(6)  Anyone  exceeding  the  patriotic  j  continued  and  swelled.     Only  when  it 
limit  of  bad  language  will  be  dealt  |  appeared  likely  to  do  permanent  and 
with  by  the  Municipal  nail-driver  as  ;  irreparable  damage  to  the  building  did 
in  (4).  ,  he  rush  out  on  to  the  landing.     There 

(7)  Classes  of  instruction  in  nail-  j  he  met  Kit,  half  awake,  with  his  eye- 
driving  will  be  held  in  the  Town-hall    lids  tightly  gummed  together. 

"That  ass  Bill,"  he  said  peevishly. 
"  Forgotten  his  latchkey    most  likely. 


daily  between  10  and  11  A.M.  (Hun- 
days  excepted). 


(8)  Persons  who  wish  to  be  photo- 
graphed in  the  act  of  nail-driving 
must  give  notice  to  the  Municipal 
photographer  two  days  in  advance. 
The  cost  of  the  photograph  will  nat- 
urally l)e  in  inverse  proportion  to  the 
value  of  the  nail  which  is  driven  in. 


"Hon.  John  Fellowes  Wallop,  of  Barton 
House,  Morchard  Bishop,  brother  and  heir- 
presumptive  of  the  Karl  of  Portsmouth,  en- 
tered his  57th  pear  on  Monday." 

Western  Times. 

We  congratulate  him  on  his  digestion. 


Serve  him  right  if  we  left  him  there !  " 
"  My  good  man,  one  must  sleep." 
Charles  ran  downstairs,  opened  the 
door   and   indignantly   confronted   the 
glistening  figure  on  the  steps. 

"  It  is  my  duty  to  warn  you,  Sir," 
said  William's  voice  in  an  official  but 
triumphant  tone,  "that  one  of  your 
downstairs  windows  has  been  left  open. 
Most  dangerous.  Also,"  he  added 
quickly,  "  that  1  am  authorised  to  use 
my  truncheon  in  self-defence,  and  that 
anything  you  say  may  be  used  as 
evidence  against  you." 


.J  \\rvitv   1-2,    I'.Hii. 


IM  NCII.   OK    TIIK    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


27 


UNRULY    BRITANNIA. 

])i:ut  MK.  I'CNCII, —  I  see  that  Canon 

M  \si  I:I:M  \N.  in  his  Presidential  Address 

to  (lie  Members  of  the  Teachers'  (Juild 

of  ( ! resit  Britain  and  Ireland,  delivered 

day  week,  observed  that  the  (in- 

nian  teacher  hud  been  the  scrviint  of 
the  State;  his  function  had  Ix-on  to 
foster  lovo  for  the  Fatherland.  Hut, 
lie  continued,  "that  love  was  degraded 
liy  jealousy,  •  distrust  and  arrogance. 
The  spirit  thai  breathed  through  our 
'  Rule.  Britannia  ! '  was  en;  reeled  in  our 
national  life  by  our  sense  of  humour 
and  self-criticism."  I  low  true  and  how 
necessary!  It  is  indeed  surprising  to 
me  that  no  one  has  said  it  before.  \Yh\ 
should  we  dwell  on  the  great  ne-s  of 
our  sea- power  and  proclaim  our  resolve 
not  to  ho  slaves  ?  I  have  always  under- 
stood, in  spite  of  the  view  of  Sir  HKNKV 
NV.wnoi.T.that  DRAKB  was  nothing  more 
than  a  buccaneer.  Tito  public  utterance 
of  such  sentiments  is  surely  prejudicial 
to  "moral  uplift,"  and,  in  the  memor- 
able \\ords  of  Mr.  I'cfkxitilf,  is  "  I'agan, 
1  regret,  to  say." 

It  seems  to  me  that  the  time  has  now 
come  when,  in  the  interest's  of  reticence 
and  humanity,  a  serious  attempt  should 
be  made  to  revise  our  so-called  patri- 
otic songs,  and,  though  fully  conscious] 
of  my  own  literary  shortcoming 
cannot:  refrain  from  suggesting,  by  the 
following  examples,  the  lines  on  which 
such  revision  might  be  profitably  car- 
ried out.  For  instance,  the  refrain  of 
"Kule,  Britannia!"  would  bo  shorn  of 
its  i  iirasoiiical  quality  and  rendered 
suitable  for  use  in  elementary  schools 
if  it  took  the  following  form : — 

••Ciirh.  Britannia.  Britannia  curl)  thy  pride  ; 
True    l.riton*   never.    ne\er.    never     PIT    ON 
BIDE." 

Another   song    which    clamours    for 
drastic  revision  is  "The  British  Grena- 
diers."     1  cannot  help  thinking  that  it 
would  he  greatly  improved  if  it    were 
Jelled  thus  : — - 

"Some    tall;    of    A]  i  \  \\UKI:.    and    some    of 

Hi  KIM  i .i:s. 
Of  Hi:nouand  I.vs»\ni:u.  and  warriors  siu-h 

as  tliese  ; 
But  infinitely  greater  than  the  stroke  of  an\ 

sword 

Is  the  pOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-'WCfW-WOW-WDW  of 

\\IJ.SON  and  of  FORM." 

There  are  many  other  standard  songs 
and  poems  which  could  be  dealt  with 
in  similar  salutary  fashion,  but  1  am 
content  to  leave  the  task  to  others,  and 
will  content  myself  with  the  following 
original  lines,  which,  whatever  may 
be  said  of  their  form,  have,  at  am  rule. 
the  root  of  the  matter  in  them  : — • 

••  The  men  who  made  our  Empire  great 
Have  loni;  ftgo  received  their  meed  : 
Then  wh\   the  tale  reiterate1.' 
Self-criticism  now  we  need. 


Doctor  (to  would-be  recruit,  ich'n>i>er-in  to  Hit  filaiikshires). 

MY    MAN.       Yoe'VK    <a>T   AX    KNI.ARUKD    HEART." 


SoKitY  I  CAN'T  PASS  YOU, 

"SgflRK    ALWAYS    FAYS    AS    YOU    COULDN'T    HA\"E  TOO   BtO   AN    "HART  TO  BIDK 
\    COUST11Y   ON    WAR-TIME    'OSSES.'" 


Then.  ()  my  hn  thn'n.  lest  you  stumble 
Look  carefully  before  you  leap  : 

Be  modest,  moderate  and  'ambit  — 
Like  the  immortal  Mr.  Heop." 

Once  more  and  in  conclusion : — 

It  us  he  humorous,  but  never  swankful — 

Swank  mars  the  finer  fibres  of  the  soul — 
For  what  we  have  urhieved  devoutly  thank- 
ful. 

But  disinelincd  our  prowess  to  extol; 
And,  when  our  focmon  bang  the  drum  and 
hump  it, 

In  silence  be  our  disapproval  shown; 
'Tis  nobler  far  (,•>  hlow  another's  trumpet 

Than  to  perform  fantasias  on  your  own." 

I  am,  dear  Mr.  Punch, 

Yours  earnestly, 

CHADLEY  BANDMAN. 


Our  Experts. 

"There  arc  still  three  gaps  in  the  trunk  line 
through  Asia  Minor  to  Baghdad,  but  these  will 
!  bo  filled  in  during  the  course  of  next  year,  and 
;  unless  we  can  reach  the  city  before  the  Ger- 
mans, they  will  certainly  reach  it  before  us." 

Truth. 

"One  of  Mr.  Copcland's  ancestors,  Sir  John 
Copehind.  who  e.iptured  l>avid.  King  of  Scot- 
land, with  40,000  troops  at  the  battle  of 
Neville's  Cross,  after  lodging  the  latter  in 
Carlisle  Castle,  proceeded  to  France,  to  report 
i  nt  to  the  King,  who  knighted  him  at 
Calais  and  conferred  on  him  the  liarony  of 
Kendal." — Carlisle  Journal. 

In  these  days  he  would  have  been  fined 
for  overcrowding. 


38 


PUNCH,    Oli   TIIK   LONDOX   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY    12,    1916. 


JOURNALISTIC    ENTERPRISE. 

ONCM  upon  a  time  a  rash  man,  wish- 
ing wlio  knows  for  what'.' — possibly 
a  peerage,  possibly  to  .be  relieved  of 
superfluous  cash  and  so  no  longer  have 
in  pay  super-tax,  possibly  for  the  mere 
joy  of  pulling  wires— decided  to  start  a 
!ic\\  s paper. 

After  much  consultation  the  plans 
were  complete  in  every  particular  save 
one.  The  premises  were  taken,  the 
staff  appointed,  the  paper,  ink  and  so 
forth  contractor!  for,  the  oflieo  girls  and 
lift  girls  were  engaged,  the  usual  gifted 
and  briefless  barrister  was  installed 
as  editor,  and  the  necessary  Cabinet 
Minister  willing  to  reveal  secrets  was 
obtained.  Everything,  in  short,  that  a 
succ3ssful  newspaper  at  the  present 
time  could  possibly  require  was  ready, 
when  it  was  suddenly  remembered  that 
no  provision  had  been  made  for  a  daily 
supply  of  pictures.  A  popular  paper 
without  pictures  being  such  a  crazy 
anomaly,  a  pictorial  editor  was  instantly 
advertised  for. 

"  Well,"  said  the  editor  to  the  appli- 
cant for  the  post,  "  give  me  an  idea  of 
your  originality  and  resource  in  the 
choice  of  topical  photographs." 

"  I  think  you  can  rely  on  me  to  be 
original,"  said  the  young  man,  "  and 
not  only  original  but  revolutionary.  I 
have  thought  about  it  all  a  lot,  and  I 
have  made  some  discoveries.  My 
notion  is  that  the  public  wants  to  be 
'  in  '  all  that  is  happening.  Nothing  's 
beneath  their  notice ;  their  eyes  want 
food  to  feast  on  all  the  time." 

"Go  on,"  said  the  editor;  "you 
interest  me  strangely." 

"The  function  of  the  camera,  as  I 
conceive  it,"  the  young  man  explained, 
"is  to  serve  as  the  handmaid  of  the 
fountain-pen.  Together  they  are  terri- 
fic— a  combination  beyond  resistance. 
That  perhaps  is  the  chief  of  the  in- 
spirations which  much  pondering 
has  brought  me.  One  must  always  be 
fortifying  the  other.  People  not  only 
want  to  read  of  a  thing,  they  come  to 
seo  it,  and  very  rightly.  Here  is  an 
example.  Wo  are  gradually  getting 
shorter  and  shorter  of  messengers,  so 
much  so  that  many  shopkeepers  no 
longer  are  able  to  send  purchases  home. 
That  means  that  people  must  carry 
them  themselves.  Now  what  more 
interesting,  valuable  or  timely  picture 
could  you  have  than  a  photograph  of 
a  customer  carrying,  say,  a  loaf  of 
bread — a  picture  of  the  unfortunate 
victim  of  the  KAISEK  in  the  very -act  of 
having  to  do  something  for  himself? 
How  that  brings  it  home  to  us  !  " 

"By  Jove,  yes,"  said  the  editor, 
deeply  impressed. 

"  I  could  arrange  for  someone  to  be 


taken  just  leaving  the.  shop,"  the  appli- 
cant went  on;  "and  I  would  put  under- 
neath something  about  the  straits  to 
which  the  \Yar  has  brought  shoppers." 

"Capital!"  said  the  editor.  "Go 
on." 

"  Then  I  have  noticed,"  said  the 
youth,  "that  people  are  interested  in 
'photographs  of  musical-comedy  and 
revue  actrc 

"  I  believe  you  may  be  right,"  the 
editor  remarked  pensively. 

"  So  I  would  arrange  for  a  steady 
series  of  these  ladies,  which  not  only 
would  delight  the  public  but  might  be 
profitable  to  the  advertisement  revenue 
of  the  paper  if  properly  managed ;  for 
I  should  state  what  plays  they  were 
in,  and  where." 

"A  great  idea,"  said  the  editor. 

"  But  I  should  not,"  the  young  man 
continued,  "  merely  give  that  informa- 
tion beneath.  I  should  add  something 
topical,  such  as  '  who  has  just  received 
an  admiring  letter  from  a  stranger  at 
the  Front ' ;  'who  spends  her  spare  time 
knitting  for  cur  brave  lads ' ;  '  whoso 
latest  song  is  whistled  in  trench  and 
camp ' ;  '  who  confesses  to  a  great  ad- 
miration for  Khaki,'  and  so  on.  In  this 
way  you  get  a  War  interest,  and  every 
one  is  the  better  for  looking  'at  some 
pictures.  Nothing  is  so  elevating  as 
the  constant  spectacle  of  young  women 
with  insufficient  noses." 

"  Marvellous  !  "  exclaimed  the  editor. 
"  But  what  of  the  War  itself?  " 

"Ah,  yes,  I  was  coming  to  that," 
the  young  man  went  on.  "  I  have  a 
strong  conviction — I  may  be  .wrong, 
but  I  think  not — that  war-pictures  are 
popular,  and  I  have  noticed  that  one 
soldier  astonishingly  resembles  another. 
This  is  a  priceless  discovery,  as  I  will 
show.  I  would  therefore  get  all  the 
groups  of  soldiers  that  I  could  take  in 
open  country  wherever  it  was  most 
convenient  to  my  operator,  and  I  would 
label  them  according  to  recent  events. 
For  example,  I  would  call  one  group — 
and  understand  that  they  would  all 
have  non-committal  backgrounds — '  A 
wayside  chat  near  Salonica  ' ;  another, 
'  A  Tommy  narrating  the  story  of  his 
escape  from  a  Jack  Johnson  ' ;  a  third, 
'  A  hurried  lunch  somewhere  in  France ' ; 
a  fourth,  '  How  the  new  group  of  Lord 
DERBY'S  men  will  look  after  a  few 
weeks';  a  fifth,  'Our  brave  lads  leav- 
ing Flanders  on  short  leave';  and  so 
on." 

"But  you  are  a  genius!"  exclaimed 
the  editoi-,  surprised  into  enthusiasm. 

"  As  for  the  rest  of  the  pictures,"  said 
the  applicant,  "  I  have  perhaps  peculiar 
views,  but  I  hold  that  they  ought  to  bo 
photographs  of  Members  of  Parliament 
walking  to  or  from  the  House  of  Com- 
mons, a  profoundly  interesting  phase 


of  modern  life  too  little  touched  upon  ; 
photographs  of  the  fiancees  of  soldiers, 
of  whom  it  does  not  matter  if  no 
one  had  ever  heard  before,  engage- 
ments being  of  the  highest  importance, 
especially  at  a  time  when  marriage  is  a 
state  duty.  So  much  for  the  staple  of 
the  picture-page,  which  I  trust  you  do 
not  consider  too  daring." 

"  Daring,  perhaps,"  said  the  editor, 
"  but  not  excessively  so,  and  one  must 
be  both  nowadays.  One  must  inno- 
vate." 

"  And  then,"  pursued  the  youth,  "  for 
padding — though  padding  of  course 
only  to  the  experts,  not  to  the  great 
hungry  asinine  public — anything  can 
bo  rendered  serviceable  provided  that 
the  words  beneath  are  adroit  enough. 
Thus,  a  view  of  Westminster  Abbey 
would  be  '  The  architectural  jewel  of 
England  which  the  Zeppelins  have  in 
vain  tried  to  bomb  ' ;  a  view  of  Victoria 
Station,  'The  terminus  at  which  every 
day  and  night,  thousands  of  homing 
Tommies  are  welcomed  ' ;  any  picture 
of  a  dog  or  cat  or  canary  or  parrot 
would  bear  a  legend  to  the  effect  that 
all  our  brave  lads  love  pets  and  are 
never  so  happy  as  when  accompanied 
by  a  favourite  animal ;  while  any 
maritime  scene  would  be  certainly 
related  to  a  recent  submarine  outrage, 
the  Almighty  in  His  infinite  wisdom 
and  prevision  having  made  all  expanses 
of  ocean  look  alike. 

"You  are  certainly,"  said  the  editor, 
"  a  very  original  and  enterprising  young 
man  and  I  have  great  pleasure  in 
engaging  you  to  enrich  our  sheet." 

But  when  the  .paper  came  out  the 
picture  page  was  found  to  differ  in  no 
single  respect  from  the  other  picture 
pages  in  the  other  dailies. 


LITEEARY    REPRISALS. 

NEARLY  three  years  ago  Mr.  E.  C. 
BENTLEY  wrote  an  excellent  detective 
story  called  Trent's  Last  Case.  We 
now  see  amongst  the  latest  literary 
announcements,  Bcntley's  Conscience, 
by  PAUL,  TRENT. 

This  retaliation  prepares  us  for  a 
whole  series  of  recriminatory  works  of 
fiction.  Among  those  shortly  to  be 
expected  are  the  following  : — 

The  Delusions  of  Doyle,  by  ANTHONY 
HOPE,  and  Hope's  Hallucinations,  by 
CONAN  DoYi.i:. 

Hewlett's '  Downfall,  by  G.  K.  CHES- 
TEETON,  and  Chesterton's  Catastrophe, 
by  MAUKICE  HEWLETT. 

The  Curse  of  Cain,  by  MABIE  CoBELLl, 
and  Marie  the  Malevolent,  by  HALL 
CAINE. 

Dexter  Street,  by  COMPTON  MACKEN- 
ZIE, and  The  Me:<ii(lerings  of  MacKenzie, 
by  G.  S.  STREET. 


l-J,  i!)ir,.|  1TNCII,   OK    TIIK    LONDON    ('MAIM  VAI.'I. 


29 


AN    OLD-FASHIONED    PLAYGOER    VISITS    A    MODERN    REVUE. 


\ll\l        I'.r-iT    -il.AT    IN    Till'.-  IIOU8K.       TllIUI)    HOW    OF    STALLS   - 
Nl'XT  TO  GANGWAY.      I'M   GOING   TO   ENJOY   MYSKI.K." 


ACT  I.    SCENE  I. 


SCENK    I  I . 


SCENE  III. 


ACT  II.     SCKM    1. 


•  I   gAY — DO  YOU   THINK  YOU   COULD  CHANOG   MY  STALL  FOB   A 
QUIET  CHAin  ON  THE  STAGE?" 


30 


ITNCII,   OR   THE   LONDON"    CHARIVARI. 


[JANL-AKY    12,    1916. 


i 


First  Clubwoman.  "I  NOTICED  you  TALXING  TO  THAT  OLD  BORE.     DID  SHE  GET  ox  TO  HEK  AILJIKXTS?  ' 
Second  Clubwoman.  "  Y/ES.     You  MIGHT  ALJIOST  CALL  IT  AN  ORGAN  RECITAL." 


A   TALE    OF    HEADS. 

AFTER  nine  o'clock  parade  on  that 
memorable  morning  the  Sergeant-Major 
spoke  to  this  effect :  Though  he,  the 
Sergeant-Major,  was  new  to  the  unit, 
he  could  and  would  make  it  plain  that 
It  Would  Not  Do.  Had  he  taken  up 
his  duties  in  a  dashed  glee  club  or  in 
a  blanked  choral  society,  he  wanted 
to  know?  Though  he  had  tried  hard 
not  to,  he  had  been  forced  t;>  admit 

that  It  was  d d  disgraceful.      He , 

had  never,  he  reflected  aloud,  sesn  any- 
thing like  it  during  an  active  army 
existence  that  had  provided  many 
shocking  sights.  •  And  he  opined  that 
there  would  be  fatigues  and  C.B.s  and 
court-martials  and  shootings-at-dawn 
if  It  continued.  He  was  good,  even  for 
a  Sergeant-Major. 

The  trouble  was  the  hairs  of  the 
heads  of  the  unit.  And  though  ho  had 
rightly  got  the  unit  by  the  hairs  which 
should  have  been  short  we  felt  it  to  be 
exceeding  the  limit  on  his  part  to  refer 
to  us  as  blanked  musicians.  More- 
over, the  band  were  most  annoyed 
about  it. 

The  Sergeant-Major  paused  to  reflect, 
and  to  arrange  matters  with  what  he 
imagined  was  a  sense  of  justice. 


Though,  he  continued  bitterly,  we 
were  more  like  a  Spillikins  Circle  than 
an  Army  unit,  he  would,  from  sheer 
native  kindness  of  heart,  save  us  the 
imminent  gibbet  or  the  burial  by  a 
trench-digging  party  which  awaited  us. 
He  would  merely  illustrate  our  mani- 
fold faults  by  taking  the  case  of  No.  3 
in  the  rear  rank. 

"Please,  Sir—  This  from  the 

outraged  No.  3. 

Silence  must  be  observed.  There 
was  no  excuse  for  the  state  of  No.  3's 
hair.  Here  in  camp  (coldly),  though 
we  were  five  miles  from  a  town,  \ve 
had  a  barber,  and  by  all  report,  though 
he  had  been  there  but  two  days,  an 
excellent  barber.  No.  3,  rear  rank,  did 
not  appear  to  know  this. 

"Sir " 

Silence  in  the.  ranks.  Not  only  was 
the  living  presence  of  a  most  valuable 
functionary  stultified  by  No.  3,  but  he, 
like  all  his  slack  kind, .must  babble  on 
parade.  He,  the  S.-M.,  would  do  all 
the  talking  ncc3ssary.  But  even  if 
No.  3  thought  ho  irn.t  bac;k  in  his  local 
Debating  Society  even  then  he  need 
not  wear  his  hair  long.  The  others 
might  look  at  him  to  see  what  an  un- 
clipped  man  could  come  to,  and  after- 
wards show  him  the  Barber's  Tout. 


A  ripple  went  along  the  ranks,  and 
No.  3's  arms  shot  up  despairingly. 

There  need  be  no  demonstration,  and 

No.  3  should  remember  that  he  was  on 

:  parade  and  furthermore  was  standing 

at  attention.     He  had  had  no  orders  to 

practise  semaphore  signalling. 

Well,  perhaps  (grudgingly)  he  had 
now  given  the  unit  some  faint  inkling 
of  his  feelings  on  the  matter.  If  at  any 
time  in  the  future  a  long  hair  was  found 
on  a  man  in  his  unit,  etc.,  etc.  (eleven 
!  minutes). 

He  would  now  condescend  to  hear 
any  excuse  that  No.  3,  rear  rank,  had 
to  offer,  so  that  he  would  be  able  to 
remark  upon  its  utter  worthlessness. 
Now,  No.  3. 

"  Please,  Sir,"  viciously,  "  I  'in  the 
barber." 


"For  fifteen  years,  he  [Sir  William  Osier] 
said,  the  slowly  evolving,  sprightly  race  of 
boys  should  dwell  in  a  Garden  of  Eden,  such 
:n  that  depicted  by  the  poet. 

During  this  decisive  period  a  boy  was  an 
irresponsible,  yet  responsible  creature,  a  men- 
tal and  moral  comedian  taking  the  colour  of 
his  environment." — Daily  Mitral-. 

\Yo  I'imcy  that  Sir  WILLIAM  really  said 
"  chameleon,"  but  most  schoolmasters 
will  think  that  the  other  word  is  just 
as  goo.l. 


iTNrii.  <>u  Tin:  LONDON  en AUVAIII.    JAHOABT  12.  1:111;. 


i  ;•>•• 

>.  ! 


I 
' 

-••.N?'- 
s* 


THE   CRACK   OF   DOOM. 


I'.MIi.] 


PUNCH,   Oil   TIIK    LONDON    rilAIMVAIM. 


ESSENCE     OF     PARLIAMENT. 

KIIOM  Tin:  DiAitv  OF  Touv,  M.P.) 


'  Jv   •y'j 


>:/.    "I'LL  NOT  HAVE   CONSCRIPTION." 

I'rcmicr.  "  THAT'S  ALL  RIGHT.     You 'BE  LEFT  OUT  OF  IT." 

Paddy.  "Is  IT  LAVE  ME  OUT  or  IT?    AXOTUEB  INJUSTICE  TO  m'  OULD  COVNTHBY  !  ' 


House  of  Commons,  Tuesday,  Janu- 
ary it h.  —  This  is  the  PERTINACIOUS 
PIIINGLK'H  day.  True  it  is  also,  to  a 
certain  extent,  the  Empire's.  A  Session 
opening  in  1914  has  entered  upon  a  < 
third  year.  After  briefest  Christmas  j 
Members  called  back  to  work. 
They  come  in  numbers  that  crowd 
benches  on  both  sides.  Atmosphere ; 
electrical  with  that  sense  of  great  hap- 
penings that  upon  occasion  possesses 
it.  Understood  that  Cabinet  have  re- 
solved to  recommend  adoption  of  prin- 
ciple of  compulsory  military  service. 
Rumours  abroad  of  consequent  resigna- 
tions from  Cabinet.  To-morrow  PRIME 
MINIS rr.it  will  deal  with  these  matters. 
Sufficient  for  to-day  is  urgent  business 
of  amending  Munitions  of  War  Bill  in 
order  to  meet  Labour  objections. 

In  such  grave  circumstances  reason- 
able to  expect  that  private  Members, 
howsoever  fussy  by  nature,  would  re- 
strain themselves  and  permit  public 
business  to  go  forward.  Member  for 
North- West  Lanarkshire  does  not  take 
that,  view  of  his  duty.  Here  is  a  day 
on  which  eyes  of  nation  are  with  e\- 
ropt  ional  intensity  and  anxiety  fixed  on 
House  pf  Commons.  What  an  oppor- 
tunity for  PitiNULE-prangling  !  So  at 
it  he  went,  kept  it  up  not  only  through 
(Question  Hour  but,  hy  interruptions  of  I 


MINISTER  OF  MUNITIONS  when  speaking 
during  successive  stages  of  Amending 
Bill,  by  questions  in  Committee,  by 
acrimonious  speeches  on  Eeport  Stage 
and  Third  Eeading,  ho  hushed  HOQGE, 
snowed-up  SNOWDEN,  ousted  OUTH- 
WAITK,  and  dammed  the  flow  of 
DAL/IEL'S  discourse. 

In  spite  of  this,  which,  in  addition 
to  major  objections,  wasted  something 


Till:    PERTINACIOUS  PRINGLE. 


like  two  hours,  work  got  through  a 
little  before  ten  o'clock. 

Business  clone. — Munitions  Amend- 
ment Bill,  recommitted  fcr  insertion  of 
new  clause,  passed  through  remaining 
stages.  Eead  a  third  time  amidst 
general  cheers. 

Wednesday.  —  When  shortly  after 
three  o'clock  this  afternoon  the  PRIMK 
MINISTER  asked  leave  to  introduce  Bill 
delicately  described  as  designed  "  to 
make  provision  with  respect  to  military 
service  in  connection  with  the  present 
War  "  he  was  greeted  by  hearty  cheer 
from  audience  that  packed  the  Chamber 
from  floor  to  topmost  row  of  benches 
in  Strangers'  Gallery.  Members  who 
had  not  reserved  a  seat  tilled  the  side 
Galleries  and  overflowed  in  a  group 
thronging  the  Bar. 

Since  the  War  began  we  have  from 
time  to  time  had  crowded  Houses 
awaiting  momentous  announcement 
from  PiiKMiK'.t.  A  distinction  of  to- 
day's gathering  is  the  considerable 
proportion  of  Members  in  khaki.  The 
whip  summoning  attendance  had 
sounded  as  far  as  the  trenches  in 
Flanders,  bringing  home  numbers  more 
than  sufficient  to  "  make  a  Housa  "  of 
themselves.  Among  them  was  General 
SKKLY,  who  contributed  to  debate  one 
of  its  most  effective  speeches.  He  met 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY    12,    1916. 


"WAST   TO    DO   YOUR    BIT,    MY    LAD?" 

"OP  C-C-C-C-C-C-C-COOISE   I   D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DO." 

"THEN   TAKE   MY   ADVICE  AND   JOIN  THE  MACHINE-GUN   SECTION." 


with  friendly  reception  even  from  that 
part  of  the  House  not  similarly  dis- 
posed when  he  was  accustomed  to 
address  it  from  Treasury  Bench. 

The  EX-HOME  SECRETAUY,  rising  to 
state  the  conscientious  reasons  that 
compelled  the  sacrifice  of  high  Minis- 
terial office,  also  had  warm  reception 
from  all  the  Benches.  General  regret 
that  lie  will,  for  the  present  at  least, 
resume  the  status  of  private  Member 
after  a  Ministerial  career  as  brilliant  as 
it  was  brief. 

fiusinemi  done, — Bill  requiring  mili- 
tary service  for  unattested  single  men 
and  childless  widowers  of  military 
age  introduced  by  PRIME  MINISTER. 
Blandly  explained  that  it  is  not  neces- 
sarily, compulsory.  If  this  class  of 
citizen  who  has  hitherto  held  back 
now  likes  to  come  forward  and  enlist 
he  may  do  so  under  the  Group  system, 
which  will  he  reopened  for  that  pur- 
pose. What  could  be  more  thoughtful 
or  obliging  ? 

Thursday.  —  By  comparison  with 
yesterday's  crowded  attendance  and 
buzzing  excitement,  through  greater 
part  of  to-day's  sitting  Benches  only 
moderately  full,  and  general  conditions 
otherwise  normal.  Members  who  ob- 
jected to  carrying  debate  over  second 


day    felt   themselves   justified.       Two ! 
speeches  made  it  worth  while  to  extend  j 
debate — one  delivered  from  below  Gang- 
way by  LONG  JOHN  WARD  of   Stoke- 
on-Trent,   now   a  full-blown    Colonel. 
Hurried  over  from  the  Front  to  defend  | 
and  vote  for  Compulsion  Bill,  although 
heretofore  a  strong  opponent  of  con- ' 
scription.      Animated    manly    speech, 
much  cheered  from  all  quarters. 

PRINCE  ARTHUR,  who,  moving  from 
modest  place  habitually  occupied  to- 
wards lower  end  of  Treasury  Bench, 
seated  himself  next  the  PHEMIKH, 
thence  shortly  after  ten  o'clock  rose 
and  delivered  a  speech  which  recalled 
his  greatest  triumphs  achieved  in  for- 
mer days  when  in  different  circum- 
stances he  stood  by  same  historic  brass- 
bound  box  which  DIZZY  in  his  day 
clutched  and  GLADSTONE  thumped. 

As  he  resumed  his  seat  amidst  storm  I 
of  cheering,  SPEAKER  put  the  Question  ! 
for  leave   to   introduce    the    Bill.      A 
mighty    shout   of    "  Ay  !  "    responded, 
answered  by  futile  cry  of  "  No  !  ' 

"  Agreed  !  agreed  !  "  cried  the  peace- 1 
makers.     But   the  minority  were  out  I 
for  a  division  and  insisted  on  taking  it.  j 
Resulted  in  leave  being  given  by  ma- 
jority of  four  to  one,  a  conclusion  hailed 
with  renewed  outburst  of  cheering. 


Bus  in  ens  done. — Leave  given  by  403 
votes  against  105.  PRIME  MINISTER 
brought  in  Military  Service  Bill. 


' '  The  holder  of  an  Exchequer  Bond  for 
£100  will  receive  £100  on  December  1st,  1910, 
and  will  in  the  meantime  receive  £3  per 
annum  in  interest." — Evening  PapiT. 

The   new    security   seems    to    have    a 
brilliant  future  behind  it. 


"The  bride,  who  was  given  away  by  her 
father,  wore  a  dress  of  pale  bridegroom.  She 
was  attended  by  the  hat,  and  carried  a  bouquet, 
the  gift  of  the  pink  taffeta  silk  and  a  largo  dark 
blue  bridegroom's  two  little  nieces." 

Kentish  Mercury. 

What  colour  was  the  bridegroom? 


"  The  last  paragraph  in  Mr.  A.  F.  Dunnett's 
letter,  appearing  in  our  issue  of  the  14th  inst., 
contained  an  obvious  error.  '  Nathan's  vine- 
yard '  should,  of  course,  have  been  'Nabob's 
vineyard.'  " 

Daily  (Hemier  (Kingalon,  Jamaica). 

Of  course — where  the  pickles  grow. 


"Sergeant  Capes  saw  the  fowls  in  a  crater 
on   Castle-hill.     On  the  crater  being  opened 
two  of  them  were  almost   dead,   and  others 
were  exhausted,  and  could  scarcely  stand." 
Xuttiiifjham  Evening  Post. 

No  doubt  overcome  by  the  gas. 


JANI-AUV   lii,  J'.Hf,. 


IMNCII.   OR   TIIK    LONDON    CIIAKI VAIM. 


Tradriiiiian.  "AitK  YOU  INSURING  AGAINST  ZEPPELINS  FOB  THE  NEW  YEAB?" 

\VI:I.L,  I  'M  THINKING  OK  IT,  AS  I  REMEMBER  READING  IN  THE  LAST  RAID  now  THE?  DROPPED  SEVENTEEN  BOMBS  IN 

I    WONDER   THEY    DON'T   GET    HIT,    STANDING    STILL    ALL   THAT   TIME    IJC   THE    AIR." 


THE   SORROWFUL   SNIPER. 

1  'M  un'appy,  so  I  am.     Don't  enjoy  me  beef  nor  jam, 

An    i   in  grumpy  an'  as  'umpy  as  a  camel. 
Bin  an'  stopped  my  leave '.'     Oil  no !    That  was  fixed  up 

long  ago  ; 
I  >ut  I  In;  trouble  is,  I've  got  it,  an'  I  feel  afeared  to  go, 

An'  it 's  all  alonger  tin  o'  green  enamel. 

Fancy  spemlin'  New  Year's  Eve,  when  you  ougbter  be  on 
leave, 

In  a  dugout  where  the  damp  is  slowly  tricklin', 
All  alonger  tin  o'  green  an'  a  sniper  lank  an'  lean 
'()o  was  swearin'  an'  a-strafin'  an'  a-snipin'  in  between, 

Till  the  Sergeant  told  me  off  to  stop  'is  ticklin'. 

So  I  trimmed  meself  with   straw,   an'   a  grass    an'    hay 
coft'yure, 

An'  1  clothed  meself  with  faggots  that  a  pal  'ad  ; 
Then  tin-  Sri  -vant  got  a  brush  an'  some  green  an'  sticky 

slush, 
An'  'c  plastered  me  all  over  till  I  couldn't  raise  a  blush, 

And  I  looked  jest  like  a  vegetable  salad. 
Then  I  crept  out  in  the  night,  an'  I  waited  for  the  light, 

But  the  snipe!-  >aw  me  fust  an'  scored  an  inner. 
I  could  'ear  the  twigs  divide,  but  I  signalled  'im  a  "  wide,'' 
Then  I  squinted  down  me  barrel,  an'  I  let  me  finger  glide, 

An'  1  pippe:!  'im  where  'e  uster  put  'is  dinner. 

VHS,  1  busted  up  the  Hosi-li,  hut  I  found  out,  ut  the  wash, 
Thai  enamel  was  a  fust  an'  lastin'  colour, 


An'  the  soap  I  used  to  clean  made  me  shine  a  brighter 

green; 

I  'm  a  cabbage,  I  "in  a  lettuce,  I  'm  a  walkin"  kidney  bean, 
An'  I  ain't  a-leavin'  Flanders  till  it 's  duller. 


Good  News  for  Taxpayers. 

"  Income-tax  can  be  paid  in  tho  case  of  individuals  and  firing  who 
are  liable  to  direct  assessment  in  respect  of  trade,  profession,  or  hus- 
bandry, in  two  halfpenny  instalments — the  first  on  January  ].  ami 
the  second  on  July  1." — Glasgow  Evening  Times. 

Lucky  Scots,  to-get  off  with  twa  bawbees! 


From  an  advertisement ; — 

" 's  Mustard  Digests  the  Dish." 

And  so  saves  washing-up. 


"Strive  to  acquire  now  ideas.     Vary  tho  hour  of  rising.      If  you 
take  luncheon  out  never  go  always  to  the  same  place." — Daily  Mail,     i 

We  seldom  go  always  to  tho  "Blue  Lion,"  and  usually  never 
by  the  same  way  every  time,  for  fear  of  hardly  ever  being 
unable  to  get  out  of  the  habit  of  it. 


"The  Westminster  (in-.cttf."  writes  a  correspondent  from 
Venice,  "lias  always  been  regarded  by  the  Italian  l>re> 
the  most  insular   of  English  newspapers."  Still  we  think 
that  La  Difesa,  of  which  he  encloses  an  extract,  goes  too 
far  in  referring  to  our  esteemed  contemporary  as  La  11 
UfMtteryeuette. 


rrxcii,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAIU. 


[JANI-AIIY    12,    I'lKi. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"THE  BASKKK." 

I  IMACIIXK  The  Jiaxkrr  to  be  de- 
-.i-iird  hy  "  CLIFFORD  MILLS"  as  a 
Tract  against  Dukes.  And  certainly 
her  l>nki'  of  Chcriot  is  a  miracle  of 
obtuseness,  who,  if  lie  had  not  been 
made  a  hero  by  his  valet  (an  original 
and  happy  creation),  would  have  griev- 
ously belied  the  proud  old  family  motto, 
••./,'  in,'  stntri'ijardc."  George  deLact  ;•/••, 
fashionable, /a«n&Hi<  and  forty,  reader 
u(  Thn  Pink  Tn,  ardent  bachelor, 
Hiixkn-  in  short,  suddenly  linds  the 
dukedom  of  Cheviot  thrust  upon  him. 
Quito  unlike  his  egregious  ancestors, 
who  went  out  and  biffed  their  enemies 
in  the  gate,  especially  the  Gvrndykes, 
who  were  an  unpleasant  shifty  kind  of 
raiders.  CiVnn/c  proposes  to  resign  all 
the  Cheviot  places,  emoluments  and 
responsibilities  to  his  cousin  and  heir, 
Itichunl  de,  Lacorfe,  on  the  day  the 
said  Richard  shall  marry.  Novi  Richard 
is  a  de  Lacorfe  with  the  hereditary 
Gorndyke  blood  and  nose  acquired  on 
the  distaff  side.  This  conspicuous  organ 
inflames  the  anger  of  George's  grand- 
mother, the  dowager,  steeped  as  she  is 
in  the  history  and  prejudices  of  the 
family,  while  other  members  of  the 
august  circle  harbour  unkind  thoughts 


about  their  kinsman. 
And  well  they  might. 


If  anyone  had 


"  wrong  'un "  written  all  over  him  it 
was  liichard.  Indeed  his  Roman  nose 
was  the  straightest  part  of  him. 
The  guileless  George  who,  though 
(or  because)  his  grandmother  pre- 
sented him  every  birthday  after 
his  majority  with  a  copy  of  The 
History  of  the  de  Lacorfes,  knew 
and  cared  nothing  about  their 
glorious  and  stormy  past,  didn't 
suspect  the  Gorndyke  rat  in  the 
de  Lacorfe  granary.  Spendthrift 
Richard,  who  is  always  getting 
urgent  blue  envelopes  from 
Samuel  £  Samuel,  is  bent  on 
marrying  for  money  the  very 
Diana  that  George  loves  for  her 
blue  hyacinth  eyes.  There  is  a 
misunderstanding  between  George 
and  Diana  (of  such  a  childlike 
ingenuousness  as  to  suggest  that 
really  this  too  easy  spot-stroke 
should  be  barred  to  playwrights), 
and  the  idiotic  girl  promptly  en- 
gages herself  to  Richard,  who  is 
of  course  in  love  with  a  patently 
naughty  married  woman.  The 
most  reckless  of  lovers  from  the 
moment  when  in  his  ardour  he 
(apparently)  bites  this  lady's 
hand  in  the  First  Act,  in  full 
view  of  the  family,  till  he  plans  a 


his  marriage  to  Diana,  ho  is  an  obvi-   choly  calculation  as  to  what  the  mental 


ously  doomed  villain.  Tho  lady  is  sur- 
prised by  George  in  the  act  of  knocking 
thrice  on  the  said  postern  within. 
When  three  knocks  are  heard  without 


Miss  HILDA  MOOKE  as  Mrs.  Eadford. 

together  with  tile  voice  of  Richard,  the 
Duke  really  begins  to  suspect  some- 
thing. Virtuous  imbecility  prevails  over 
villainous  stupidity.  The  final  blow  is 
dealt  upon  the  Gorndyke  nose.  Diana 
is  retrieved  by  this  last  of  the  safe- 
guarders,  and  we  are  left  to  a  melan- 


THE   SOUL'S  AWAKENING. 
Kalct,  the  valet  (Mr.  LEON  QUAUTKRMAIXK),  having  been 


capacity  of  their  issue  is  likely  to  be. 

A  good  deal  cf  spontaneous  and 
honest  laughter,  the  best  of  testi- 
monials, greeted  this  rather  ingenuous 
extravaganza.  I  think  Mrs.  CLIFFORD 
MILLS  would  do  well  not  to  prolong 
her  mystifications  beyond  the  point 
when  they  are  quite  clear  to  her 
audience.  May  I  without  boastfulnoss 
record  that  I  guessed  all  about  what 
Richard  was  going  to  do  with  the  tiara 
quite  three  minutes  before  a  well-known 
editor  in  front  of  me  gave  away  the 
secret  in  a  hoarse  whisper  to  his  neigh- 
bour? And  that  was  some  time  before 
the  author  had  finished  the  "  prepara- 
tion "  of  the  business.  And  may  I  ask 
why  Richard  was  forced  to  so  fatuous 
a  contrivance  as  the  pawning  of  the 
tiara  to  make  the  exigent  Samuels  stay 
their  hands  for  a  week?  True  he 
couldn't  tell  them  abouttheCheviotdeal, 
which  was  a  secret  between  himself  and 
George;  hut  he  could  surely  have  used 
the  fact  of  his  coming  marriage  with 
Diana's  money?  And  why  didn't 
Diana  write  to  her  mother  and  ask  her 
what  was  the  solemn  warning  about 
Richard  that  she  had  on  the  tip  of  her 
tongue  when  she  was  interrupted  just 
before  going  abroad?  There  is  a  mail 
to  Singapore,  isn't  there  ?  And  does  a 
George,  succeeding  to  a  dukedom,  be- 
come "  Cheviot  "  to  his  sister? 

Sir  GEORGE  ALEXANDER  was  at  his 
excellent  best  in  the  lighter  moods  of 
the  Basker.  But  I  did  not  like 
to  see  him  in  pain  (especially  as 
it  all  seemed  so  unnecessary). 
Mr.  LEON  QUAUTEHMAINE,  in  the 
really  engaging  part  of  the  ])nkr's 
valet,  who  learned  to  think  for 
himself  and  read  to  such  excellent 
effect  the  history  so  carelessly 
neglected  by  his  master,  was 
quite  admirable.  But  then  he 
always  is.  Mr.  NORMAN  FORBES 
had  little  to  exercise  his  powers 
in  a  churchwarden  version  of  the 
stage  -  parson  with  a  tiresome 
wife.  Miss  HILDA  MOORE  looked 
charmingly  wicked  and  acted 
with  intelligence.  The  too  serious 
role  tossed  lightly  by  the  author 
into  the  broadest  farce  presents 
an  impossible  problem.  Miss 
ELLEN  O'MALLEY  never  mis- 
handles a  part.  Sometimes,  as 
here,  a  part  is  not  too  kind  to  her. 
As  George's  sister  she  could  be 
no  more  than  a  competent  peg. 
Miss  MARIE  HEMINGWAY  had 
merely  to  look  perplexed  and 
pretty,  which  she  did  with  com- 
plete success.  Everyone  was 


.a--!1'"1*!"^!11"*  a    dismissed  for  not  calling  George  de  Lacorfe"  (Sir  GEOUGE    frankly  delighted  to  welcome  hack- 
midnight  flirtation  by  the  Cheviot    AMOCAXDKR)  in  the  morning,  makes  good  by  waking  his    to  the  stage  that  great  artist  Miss 


, 
postern  gate  on  the  very  eve  of   master's  soul  up  at  one  o'clock  at  night. 


GENEVIEVE  WAKD  as  the  DOTH/  /IT 


JANUARY  12,  191G.J 


ITXCH.   Mil   T1IK    LONDON  CHAIMVAIII. 


n  '.-•  .s.  She  had  the  sort  of  reception 
that  is  only  accorded  to  favouri: 
much  more  than  common  merit.  And 
she  pl:i\ed  \vitli  decision,  humour  and 
resource.  Sir  (!KOI«;K  made  a  happy 
and  generous  little  speech  about  her. 
The  author  was  called  to  receive  the 
felicitations  of  a  gratified  house.  T. 

A  (Irand  Concert  is  to  he  given  at 
the  Kingsway  Hall  by  the  Independent 
Music  Club,  on  January  18th,  at  2.30, 
in  aid  of  Mr.  C.  Airmen  I'KAHSON'S 
i  for  Blinded  Soldiers  and  Sailors. 
The  Independent  Music  Club,  which 
<  e  in  of  invaluable  assistance  to 
musicians  suffering  'from  the  War, 
proposes  to  entertain  at  least  iivo  hun- 
dred Wounded  Soldiers  at  this  Concert. 

Five  shrllings  will  provide  ticket, 
transport  and  tea  for  one  Wounded 
Soldier,  (lifts  for  this  purpose  and  for 
the  object  of  helping  our  Blinded 
Soldiers  and  Sailors  will  he  very  grate- 
fully acknowledged  by  the  Treasurer, 
Independent  Music  Club,  13, Pembroke 
(lardens,  Kensington,  W. 


The  net  proceeds  of  a  "  Special  Night" 
at  the  National  Sporting  Club  on  Mon- 
day, January  17th,  commencing  at 
H  I'.M.,  are  to  be  given  to  the  Wounded 
Allies  Relief  Fund. 


OPEN    SECRETS. 

\Inspired  by  tJic  sitjJit,  anyirhcrr  in 
Fi-diii-e,  of  the  notice  :  "  Taisez-vous ! 
Mi'-jii •:  -  vous !  Les  enncmies  oreillcs 
vons  ccoutent  !  ") 

THKRE  is  something  in  the  air, 

Dinna  doot ! 
We  shall  shortly  see  some  guerre 

Hereaboot. 

Yes.  we  're  going  to  make  a  rush, 
Starting  Tuesday  next  at — Hush  ! 

Pourqitoi  ? 
Les  cnnemics  or'eilles  nous  ecoutcnt ! 

We  have  got  some  special  guns 

For  to  shoot, 

And  to  make  the  fleshy  Huns 
Up  and  scoot. 

Would  you  care  to  hear  the  list? 
There's  a  grandmamma  at — Hist! 

Silence  ! 
Les  ('iiiieniii'.i  oreillcs  nous  ccoutent ! 

It  is  more  than  patent  to 

The  astute 
That  a  very  big  to-do 

Is  en  rout.-. 

There's  a  million  men,  I'm  told, 
Sailing  round  lo  land  at — Hold! 

Donccmcnt  ! 
Les  ciuicinies  oreillcs  ?wns  ecoittent  ! 

Tho'  to  you,  my  simple  friend, 

It  is  moot 
V*  hen  the  War  is  going  to  end 

(Dat  vas  goot ! ) 


til',  'I1' 

M   ', 


Fickle  Young  Thing  (revisiting  Tattooist.)  "En— DO  you  THIXK  YOU  COULD  POSSIBLY 

ALTER    THIS     BADGE    OS     MY    ARM?        YOU     BEE,     I'VE— ER— EXCHANGED     INTO     ASOTHEU 
RE3IMENT." 


I  could  say  exactly  when 

Peace  will  be  declared.    But  then, 

Helasl 
Les  ennemies  oreilles  nous  ecoutent !  ' 

ft  ••::  *  :|:  * 

I  should  be  the  very  last 

To  dispute 
That  remarks,  too  freely  passed, 

Come  as  loot 

To  those  wicked  people,  spies ; 
Yet  what  lots  and  lots  of  lies 

(MvnDieu!) 

Les  enncmies  oreilles  en  ccouti'iit  '. 
HENHY  (W.vrcH  Doo). 


From  a  report  of  KINO  FERDINAND'S 
address  to  the  Sobranje : — 

"  The  speech  then  exalts  over  victori< 
and   generally    is   couched   in   a    rather   orid 
strain." — Cork  Constitution. 

Like  everything  else  that  FERDY  does. 


New  Ideas  for  War  Weddings. 
"Tho  bride  looked  extremely  well  in  a  gown 
of  ivory  crepe-de-chene,  trimmed  with  filet  lace 
and  ivory  aeroplane.    Her  hat  was  of  gathered 
aeroplane,  adorned  with  real  ospreys." 

Times  of  Ceylon. 

"The  ceremony  and  congratulations  being 
of  srnilax  and  pom  ponf  mum-;." 

iri  ii  Inn  Kclio  (Canada). 

"The  public  simply  hand  in  the  order  and 
cash  to  any  tobacconist,  with  the  name  of  the 
man  to  whom  the  cigarettes  are  to  1*  sent, 
and  the  welcome  gift  will  roach  Tommy  in 
time  for  Christmas." 

Adi't.  in  Monninj  1'ajxr.  l>,c.  81. if,  1915. 

Unless,  as  we  all  hope,  Tommy  is  at 
home  again  before  that. 


Another  Crisis  Averted. 

'•Our  London  Correspondent  >a\~  that  he 
lias  offered  to  resign,  but  the  1'rime  Minister 
refused  to  accept  h^  u-ipiation." 

'        Examiner. 


38 


ITNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[.JANUARY  12,  191G. 


MY    BIRTHDAY. 

••M\  birthday,"  I  said,  "is  setting  in  with  its  usual 
severity." 

••  What,"  saiil  Francoscii,  ••  has  driven  you  to  this  terrible 
conclusion  '.'  " 

"  Little  signs  :   straws  showing  how  the  wind  blows." 

"1  wonder,"  she  said,  "how  that  came  to  be  a  proverb. 
Personally  1  don't  keep  packets  of  straws  to  test  the  wind 
by,  and  l'ne\er  met  anybody  else  who  did.  Handkerchiefs 
are  much  morn  certain,  und  men's  hats  are  best  of  all." 

"  Yes,"  1  s.iid,  "  when  I  see  my  hat  starting  full  tilt 
on  an  excursion  1  always  know  which  way  the  wind  is 
blowing  right  enough.  "Tell  me,  Francesca,  why  does  a 
man's  h:it.  when  it's  blown  off,  always  bring  up  in  a 
puddle?  " 

••  And  get  rim  over  by  a  butcher's  cart?  " 

"  And  why  does  everybody  laugh  at  the  hat's  owner?  " 

"And  why  does  the  boy  who  brings  it  back  to  you 
expect  payment  for  the  miserable  and  useless  object?  " 

"And  where,"  I  said,  "does  the  owner  disappear  to 
afterwards?  You  never  see  a  man  with  a  bat  on  his  head 
that 's  been  run  over — no,  1  mean,  with  a  hat  that 's  been 
run  over  on  his  head — no,  no,  I  mean,  with  a  hat  that 's 
been  run  over  off  his  head — Francesca,  I  give  it  up  ;  I  shall 
never  get  that  sentence  right,  but  you  know  what  I  mean. 
Anyhow  I  will  put  the  dreadful  vision  by.  What  was  I 
talking  alwut  when  this  hat  calamity  broke  in?" 

"You  had  made,"  said  Francesca,  "a  cold  and  distant 
allusion  to  your  birthday.  It 's  coming  to-morrow." 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "  it  can  come  if  it  likes,  but  I  shall  refuse 
to  receive  it.  I  don't  want  it.  I  'm  quite  old  enough 
without  it.  At  my  age  people  don't  have  birthdays.  They 
just  go  on  living,  and  other  people  say  how  wonderful  they 
are  for  their  years,  and  they  must  be  sixty  if  they  're  a  day, 
but  nobody  would  think  so,  and — 

"  And  that  it 's  all  due  to  early  rising  and  regular  habits." 

"  And  smoking  and  partial  abstemiousness." 

"And  general  good  conduct.  But  you  can  have  all  that 
sort  of  praise  and  yet  celebrate  your  birthday." 

"But  I  tell  you  I  won't  have  my  birthday  celebrated. 
Those  are  my  orders." 

"Orders?"  she  said.  "People  don't  give  orders  about 
absurdities  like  that." 

"Yen,"  I  said,  "they  do;  but  their  orders  are  not  obeyed. 
There 's  Frederick,  for  instance.  He 's  only  eight,  I  know, 
but  he's  got  something  up  his  sleeve.  He  asked  me 
yesterday  if  I  could  lend  him  threepence,  and  did  I  think 
that  a  small  notebook  with  a  pencil  would  be  a  nice  present 
for  a  sort  of  uncle  on  his  birthday — not  a  father,  mind  you, 
but  an  uncle.  There  's  a  Machiavelli  for  you." 

"  And  what  did  you  say  ?  " 

"  I  told  him  I  had  never  met  an  uncle  who  didn't  adore 
notebooks,  but  that  few  fathers  really  appreciated  them  ; 
and  then  he  countered  me.  He  said  he  had  noticed  that 
many  fathers  were  uncles  too." 

"  that  child,"  said  Francesca,  "  will  be  a  Lord  Chancellor. 
He'd  look  splendid  on  a  woolsack.  ' 

"  Yes,  later  on.  At  ^present  his  legs  would  dangle  a  bit, 
wouldn't  they  ?  " 

"They're  very-well-shaped  legs,  anyhow.  Any  Lord 
Chancellor  would  be  proud  to  possess  them." 

"To  resume,"  I  said,  "about  the  birthday.  There's 
Alice  too.  She  's  engaged  on  some  nefarious  scheme  with  a 
paint-box  and  a  sheet  of  paper.  It's  directed  at  me,  I 
know,  because,  whenever  1  approach  her,  things  have,  to 
be  hustled  away  or  covered  up.  However,  it's  all  useless. 
My  mind  's  made  up.  I  will  nut  have  a  birthday." 

"You  can't  prevent  it,  you  know." 


"Yes,  I  can,"  I  said.  "  It  's  mine,  and  if  I  decide  not  to 
have  it  nobody  can  make  me." 

"  But  isn't  that  rather  selfish  ?  " 

"  It  can't  be  selfish  of  me  to  deprive  myself  of  a  birthday." 

"But  you're  depriving  the  children  of  it,  and  that's 
worse  than  seltish.  It's  positively  heartless." 

"  Very  well,  then,  I  'm  heartless.  At  any  rate  my  orders 
are  that  there  shall  be  no  birthday  ;  and  don't  you  forget  it, 
or,  rather,  forget  it  as  hard  as  ever  you  can." 

''  I  can't  hold  out  the  least  prospect  that  your  sugges- 
tion will  meet  with  favourable  consideration." 

The  birthday  duly  arrived,  and  I  went  down  to  breakfast. 
As  I  entered  the  room  a  shout  of  applause  broke  from  the 
already  assembled  family.  "  Look  at  your  place,"  said 
Frederick.  I  did,  and  beheld  on  the  table  a  collection  of 
unaccustomed  articles.  There  was  a  box  of  chocolates 
from  Muriel  and  Nina  ;  there  was  a  note-book  with  an 
appropriate  pencil.  "  That,"  said  Frederick,  "  is  for  Cousin 
Herbert's  uncle.  Ha,  ha  !  "  And  there  was,  from  Alice, 
a  painted  Calendar  lit  to  hang  on  any  wall.  It  represents 
a  Tartar  nobleman  haughtily  walking  in  a  green  meadow, 
with  a  background  of  snow-capped  mountains.  Ho  has  a 
long  pig-tail  and  a  black  velvet  cap  with  a  puce  knob. 
His  trousers  are  blue  striped  with  purple.  He  has  a  long 
blue  cloak  decorated  with  red  figures,  and  his  carmine 
train  is  borne  by  a  juvenile  page  dressed  in  a  short  orange- 
coloured  robe.  It  is  a  very  magnificent  design,  and  on 
the  back  of  it  is  written  :  — 

"  This  is  but  a  Birthday  rhyme 

Written  in  this  dark  \Var-timo. 

\Vc  can't  afford  to  waste  our  ink. 

And  so  I  '11  quickly  stop,  I  think." 

Thus  I  was  compelled  to  have  a  birthday  after  all. 


TO    LUCASTA,    FROM    THE   WARS. 

PEHUSING  the  epistles  I  devotedly  indite 

You  long,  I  know,  Lucasta  dear,  to  see  me  as  I  write  ; 

Your  fancy  paints  my  portrait  framed  in  hectic  scenes  of 

war  — 
I  "11  try  to  show  you  briefly  what  my  circumstances  are. 

Your  swain  is  now  a  troglodyte  ;  as  in  a  dungeon  deep 
He  who  so  worshipped  stars  and  you  must  write  and  eat 

and  sleep  ; 
Like  some  swart  djinnee  of  the  mine  your  sunshine-loving 

slave 
Builds  airy  castles,  meet  for  two,  'neath  candles  in  a  cave. 

Above,  the  sky  is  very  grey,  the  world  is  very  damp, 

His  light  the  sun  denies  by  day,  the  moon  by  night  her 

lamp  ; 
Across  the  landscape  soaked  and  sad  the  dull  guns  answer 

back, 
And   through   the   twilight's    futile  hush  spasmodic  rifles 

crack. 

The  papers  haven't  come  to-day  to    show  how  England 

feels  ; 
The  hours  go  lame  and  languidly  between  our   Spartan 

meals  ; 
We've  written  letters  till  we're  tired,  with  not  a  thing  to 

tell 
Except  that  nothing's  doing,  weather  beastly,  writer  well. 

So  when  you  feel  for  us  out  here  —  as  well  I  know  you  will  — 
Then  sympathise  with  thousands  for  their  country  sitting 

still  ; 

Don't  picture  battle  pieces  by  the  lurid  Press  adored, 
But  miles  and  miles  of  Britishers,  in  burrows,  badly  bored! 


JANTARY  12, 


PUNCH,    OK   Till-    LONDON    I'HAIMVAIM. 


3D 


WAR    ECONOMY. 

Mmti'css  to  cJiait/eur,  who  is  crawling  dotcii-hiU).  "  WHY  ABE  YOB  DRIVING  so  SLOWLY?" 

Chauffeur  (ex-coachman).  "WELL,  MA'AM,  you  TOLD  ME  TO  BE  AS  ECONOMICAL  AS  POSSIBLE  THESE  TIMP.S,  so  I  WAS  perns'  THE 

IAKK   ON   TO   MAKE  THE   DOWN-'lLL   LAST  AS   LONO   AS   POSSIBLE." 


I'.IiAKK 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

\'nrt'issiis  (SECKER),  by  Miss  VIOLA  MEYNELL,  is  one  of  j 
those  books  for  which  I  cannot  help  feeling  that  my  appre- 
ciation would  have  been  keener  two  years  ago  than  is 
possible  to-day.  It  is  the  story  of  the  growth  to  manhood 
of  two  brothers,  Victor  and  Jimmy,  who  live  with  their 
widowed  mother  in  an  outer  suburb  of  London.  That 
there  is  art,  very  subtle  and  delicate  art,  in  the  telling  of  it 
goes  without  saying.  The  characters  of  the  brothers  are 
reali/ed  with  exquisite  care.  Victor,  the  elder,  uncertain, 
violently  sensitive  and  emotional,  seeking  always  from  life 
what  lie  is  never  destined  (at  least  so  far  as  the  present 
story  carries  him)  to  attain;  Jimmy,  placid,  shallow, 
avoiding  all  emotion,  attracting  happiness  like  a  magnet. 
Nothing,  1  repeat,  could  be  better  done  in  its  kind  than 
the  pictures  of  these  two,  and  of  the  not  very  interesting 
crowd  of  young  persons  among  whom  they  move.  But,  for 
all  its  real  beauty  of  style,  I  have  to  confess  that  the  book 
left  me  cold,  and  even  a  little  irritated.  Perhaps  we  demand 
something  more  from  our  heroes  these  days  than  suscepti- 
bility, or  indifference,  to  emotion.  Was  the  purpose  of 
life,  one  wonders,  ever  as  delicately  elusive  as  these  be- 
wildered young  men  seem  to  find  it?  I  kept  longing  for 
Lord  DEHHY.  Perhaps,  again,  this  is  but  part  of  the  clevcr- 
of  the  writer,  and  Miss  MEYNELL,  like  the  child  in 
t he  poem,  only  does  it  t3  annoy.  But  I  hardly  think  so. 
Her  tenderness  and  sympathy  for  Victor  especially  are 


obvious.  He,  I  take  it,  is  Narcissus  (though  Narcissi  would 
have  been  a  truer  title  for  the  book,  as  each  of  the  brothers 
is  more  in  love  with  his  own  reflection  than  with  anything 
else),  and,  since  he  is  left  unmarried  at  the  close  of  the 
volume,  I  derived  some  quiet  satisfaction  from  the  thought 
that  modified  conscription  might  yet  make  a  man  of  him. 

Why  will  the  heroes  of  historical  fiction  persist  in  that 
dangerous  practice  of  leaving  an  angry  and  overmastered 
villain  bound  to  a  tree  to  await  death  or  rescue'.'  The 
result  is  rescue  every  time,  and  one  way  and  another  a 
mort  of  trouble  for  the  good  characters.  Still  it  may  be 
argued  that  if  the  protagonist  of  The  Fortunes  of  GUI- in 
(CONSTABLE)  had  not  followed  this  risky  precedent  those 
fortunes  would  not  have  led  him  where  they  eventually 
did,  and  we  should  have  missed  one  of  the  best  costume 
novels  of  the  year.  Miss  MAKY  JOHXSTON  is  among  the 
very  few  writers  whom  I  can  follow  without  weariness 
througli  the  mazes  of  medievalism.  This  tale  of  the 
adventures  of  a  knight  and  a  lady  in  the  days  when 
HEXHY  II.  sat  on  the  throne  of  England,  and  his  son 
RICHAHD  princed  it  in  Angouleme,  is  told  with  an  air 
that  lifts  it  out  of  tushery  into  romance.  She  wields  a 
picturesque  and  courtly  style,  sometimes  indeed  a  trifle 
too  charge:!  with  metaphor  to  be  altogether  manageable 
(as  for  example  when  she  speaks  of  "pouring  oil  upon  the 
red  embers  of  a  score  unpaid  "),  but  for  the  most  part 
admirably  pleasing  to  the  ear.  Her  antique  figures  are 
alive ;  and  the  whole  tale  goes  forward  with  a  various  and 


40 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


(.lANl'AKY    12,    1916. 


high-stepping  movement  and  a  glow  of  colour  that  reminded 
me  of  nothing  more  than  that  splendid  pageant  one  follows 
round  the  walls  of  the  Riccardi  Palace  in  Florence.  Of 
course  the  journey  ends  in  lovers'  meeting  and  the  teaching 
of  his  place  to  the  evil-minded.  The  fact  that  this  latter 
called  Jdiifi-e,  a  name  that  I  would  wish  kindlier 


was 


'  entreated,  is  almost  my  only  complaint  against  a  lively 
and  entertaining  story  which  more  than  once  rises  to  real 
heauty. 

(iiven  a  plot  of  the  conventional  order  I  dare  say  it  is 
best  to  make  very  little  fuss  or  mystery  about  it.  So,  at 
any  rate, "  KATHAUIXI:  TYNAN  "  seems  to  t  hink,  for  after  about 
page  3'2  of  her  latest  book,  Since  First  I  Saw  Your  Face 
(HUTCHINSON),  there  is  really  almost  no  guessing  left  to  do, 
the  authoress  seeming  principally  concerned  to  ensure  a 


smooth  passage  for  one's  prophecies, 
known  son  of  a  secret  marriage, 
happening  by  good  luck  to 
thrash  the  ostensible  claimant. 
to  the  title  and  heroine,  gets 
that  successful  start  in  tin1  nirK 
pages  that  is  so  necessary  to 
bis  happiness  in  the  last,  and 
the  lady  never  really  looks  like 
straying  far  into  disconcerting 
opinions  of  her  own,  even  the 
rival  himself  obliges  us  by 
throwing  up  the  sponge  just 
when  the  game  should  really 
begin.  All  this  is  soothing 
enough,  but  it  is  also  very  thin 
stuff;  and  the  addition  of  a 
ghostly  ancestress,  who  lures 
her  descendants  to  midnight 
assignations  by  smiling  at  them 
out  of  a  LELY  painting,  does 
not  stiffen  things  much.  The 
fact  is  that  away  from  such  a 
purely  Irish  subject  as,  say, 
"Countrymen  All,"  Mrs.  HINK- 
SON  really  has  not  much  to  tell. 
Sweeney's  New  York  Stores  do 
not  harmoniseat  all  well  with  her 
atmosphere  of  As-istful  tragedy. 
The  effect  suggests  a  soap- 
bubble  trying  to  cake-walk. 


Thus,  while  the  un- 


it has  no  very  obvious  plan, 

No  movement,  no  connected  story  ; 

And  yet  I  don't  see  how  you  can 
Fail  to  enjoy  The  S.S.  Glory. 

You  11  meet  some  men  you  're  sure  to  like — 

Men  who  would  greet  you  as  a  brother ; 
One  is  that  honest  follow,  Mike, 

And  Cockney,  possibly,  another ; 
lTn  polished,  quick  to  wrath  and  slow, 

When  roused,  to  lay  aside  their  choler, 
Yet  are  they  types  you  ought  to  know 

As  well  as  did  the  hero,  Scholar. 


having  an  alarming  effect  on  infant  mortality. 


When  cattle-ships  put  forth  to  sea 

From  Montreal  across  the  Atlantic, 
The  life  on  board  would  not  suit  me, 

Nor  you,  I  think.     The  cattle  frantic, 
The  tough  steel  plates  beneath  the  might 

Of  crashing  waters  well-nigh  riven — 
Ugh !     Here  it  is  in  black  and  white, 

Clearly  described  by  FBEDEBICK  NIVKN. 

Published  by  HEINEMANN  (six  bob), 

The  book  relates  the  ceaseless  battle 
Which  they  must  wage  whose  steady  job 

Is  valeting  a  mob  of  cattle  ; 
And  yet  they  pant  to  get  a  ship, 

For  jobs  the  owners  they  importune 
At — mark  you  this  ! — one  pound  the  trip  ! 

I  wouldn't  do  it  for  a  fortune. 

It 's  just  a  tale  of  common  men, 

Who  never  went  to  school  or  college. 

Writ  by  a  skilled  and  practised  pen 

Most  certainly  from  first-hand  knowledge 


In  an  eloquent  foreword  to  The  Queen's  Gift  Book, 
(HoDDEK  AND  STOUGHTON),  we  are  told  by  Mr.  GALSWORTHY 
that  it  is  "in  the  nature  of  a  hat  passed  round,  into  which, 

God  send,  many  hundred  thou- 
sand coins  may  be  poured." 
The  coin  that  we  are  asked  to 
put  into  what  I  hope  will  be  a 
very  widely  circulating  hat  is 
half-a-crown,  and  whatever  you 
may  or  may  not  think  of  Gift 
Books  I  can  promise  you  that 
in  this  instance  to  pay  your 
money  is  to  get  its  worth.  It 
is  true  that  some  of  the  contri- 
butors have  given  us  work  that 
we  have  already  had  an  oppor- 
tunity to  know  ;  but  even  here 
I  am  not  grumbling,  for  among 
the  stories  that  have  already 
been  published  is  Mr.  LEONARD 
MERRICK'S  "  The  Fairy  Poodle," 
a  tale  so  full  of  sparkle  that 
the  oftener  I  see  it  the  better 
I  shall  he  pleased.  All  tastes, 
however,  are  catered  for.  You 
can  read  tales  by  Sir  J.  M. 
BARDIE  or  Mr.  JOSEPH  HOCKING, 
verses  by  Sir  ARTHUR  CON  AN 
DOYLE,  Mr.  JOHN  OXENHAM  or 
Mrs.  HENRY  DE  LA  PASTURE, 
sketches  by  Mr.  CONRAD  or 
,  "  SAPPER."  But  I  advise  you  to 
read  the  lot.  An  especial  word 
of  praise  is,  I  feel,  due  to  Mr.  JOHN  BUCHAN  for  a  tale 
humorous  enough  in  its  dry  way  to  squeeze  a  smile  from  a 
mummy,  and  to  the  artists  who  have  helped  to  make  this 
Gift  the  success  that  it  is.  In-  short,  the  book  is  goo:l, 
nearly  as  good  as  the  object  for  which  it  has  been 
published.  "  In  aid,"  we  read  on  the  cover,  "  of  Queen 
Mary's  Convalescent  Auxiliary  Hospitals.  For  Soldiers 
and  Sailors  who  have  lost  their  limbs  in  the  War."  Here 
then,  by  helping  to  provide  our  maimed  heroes  with  the 
best  mechanical  substitutes  for  the  limbs  which  they  have 
lost,  is  a  chance  for  us  to  pay  a  little  of  the  unpayable  debt 
we  owe  to  them.  Mr.  GALSWORTHY  may  rest  assured  that 
his  appeal  to  "  our  honour  in  this  matter "  will  not  be 
made  in  vain. 

An  extract  from  the  Master  of  the  TEMPLE'S  sermon  on 
"  Muddling  Through  "  : — 

"When  we  rejoiced  at  the  efficiency  of  our  Navy  we  loo  seldom 
recollected  that  it  was  primarily  due  to  a  superbly  effective  system  of 
education  Imilt  up  by  the  efforts  of  a  few  great  men  loyally  supported 
by  enthusiastic  insubordinates." — Morning  1'aper. 

NMLKON'S  "blind  eye"  is  not  forgotten. 


THE  -UNINTERNED  PERIL   IN    OUR   MIDST. 

Portrait  of  Herr  Pfunk  ("  Sister  Susie  "),  who  edits  "Our 
Mites'  Corner"  in  the  well-known  weekly,  Af>t»i's  Pets,  and 
also  conducts  a  column  of  "Hints  to  Mothers,"  which  is 


Mtv  19,  1916.] 


ITNCII.    01!    TIIK    LONDON    CIIA  III  \  A  III. 


41 


CHARIVARIA. 

IN  a  de  script  ion  of  Lord  Ki  n  IIKNKII'S 
home  at  Broomo  Park  we  read  that 
on  the  way  there  one  |>;i  nefl  a  kind  of 
crater  known  by  the  rustic;  as  "Old 
England's  Hole."  And  a  little  farther 
on  you  come  to  the  man  who  got  Old 
England  out  of  it. 

* " 

A  Gorman  professor  advocates  the 
appointment  of  State  matrimonial 


1  j.    Klderly  and  experienced  ladies  to  March  1st.     The  dachshund  season, 


Ministers  out  of  the  window.    It  is  tiou  Objaoior  regarding  hiifellowBf"is 

feared  that  something  of  the  kind  may  whether  there  is  any  reasonable  chance 
bo  attempted  at  Westminster,  since  that  most  of  thorn  will  ho  able  to  con- 
several  Members  liavo  boon  observed  to  vincc;  a  tribunal  that  their  conscientious 
cast  longing  eyes  upon  the  Treasury  objection  is  real."  It  may  comfort  him 
Bench.  „  ...  to  know  that  his  doubt  is  very  widely 

*  I  shared.  „,  ... 

With  a  view  to  increasing  the  food- ; 

supply  the  German  Governmsnt  have  "!)KAU  Mi.  PUNCH,"  writes  a  soldier 
extended  the  time  for  shooting  hares ,  at  the  Front  who  has  been  reading  the 
from  January  16th  to  February  1st,  •  Parliamentary  reports, — "Do you  think 
and  for  pheasants  from  February  1st  an  officer  out  here  who  developed 


and  gentlemen  should  be  employed  to 
bring  young  people  together,  and  "  un- 
'atiously  to   give  them    practical 
.el,  conveying  their  remarks  tact- 
fully,   and    in   such   a   way    as   not   to 


awak'-n  the  spirit  of  contradiction 
found  in  youthful  minds;" 
paying  due  regard,  moreover, 
to  theories  of  eugenics  and 
heredity.  The  Winged  Boy 
disguised  as  an  antique  German 
professor  makes  an  attractive 
picture,  <:  * 


Some  anxiety  was  caused  in 
America  by  the  news  that  the 
Font)  Peace  party  was  to  meet 
in  the  Zoo  at  the  Hague.  But 
the\  have  all  emerged  safely. 
*  * 

Thejjovernor  of  South  Caro- 
lina, who  was  one  of  the  mem- 
bers of  this  heroic  mission, 
left  the  Hague  in  a  great  hurry 
and  returned  to  America  before 
the  rest  of  the  delegates.  Much 
curiosity  is  expressed  as  to  what 
the  Governor  of  North  Carolina 
will  have  to  say  to  him  on  this 
occasion. 


wo  understand,  will  be  continued  for 
the  duration  of  the  War. 
*  # 

Count   KOSPOTH,  a   member  of  the 


'conscientious   objections'   might   get 
a  week's  leave  ?  " 


course  of  a 


In   the   courso   of   a  dobato   in  the 
Reichstag  on  the  Gorman  Press  Bureau 


Prussian  Upper  House,  in  the  course  it  was  revealed  that  the  Censor  had 
of  an  energetic  plea  for  economy,  re-   struck  out  quotations  from  GOETH 

being  dangerous  to  the  State. 
Our  man  who  tinkered  with 
Kiri.iNi;  is  wonderfully  bucked 

by  this  intelligence. 

*  * 

Bread  is  the  staff  of  life,  and, 
in  the  view  of  certain  officers 
in  the  trenches,  whose  opinions 
we  cannot  of  course  guarantee, 
the  life  of  the  Staff  is  one  long 
loaf.  *  * 

Extracted  from  the  report  of 
an  enthusiastic  company  com- 
mander after  a  brisk  action 
with  some  tribesmen  on  the 
Indian  Frontier :  "  The  men 
were  behaving  exactly  as  if 
on  ceremonial  parade.  They 
laughed  and  talked  the  whole 
time  .  .  .  "  We  seem  to  recog- 
nise that  parade. 


In  spite  of  the  Government's 
official  discouragement  of  any 
further  rise  in  wages  a  demand  for  an 
increase  of  no  less  than  33J  per  cent, 
has  been  made  by  the  "  knockers-up  " 
in  the  Manchester  district.  For  going 
round  in  the  chill  hours  of  the  morning 
and  wakening  the  workers,  these  blood- 
suckers (chiefly  old  men  and  cripples) 
receive  at  present  the  princely  remun- 
eration of  threepence  per  head  per 
week;  and  they  have  now  the  effront- 
ery to  ask  for  fourpence. 
••:••  -:•• 

:;: 

The  German  Government  has  de- 
cided to  raise  the  charge  for  telegrams. 
\\  OI.KK'S  Bureau  lias  instructed  its  cor- 
respondents that  in  order  to  meet  this 
new  impost  the  percentage  of  truth 
in  its  despatches  must  be  still  further 
diminished.  

Before  the  opening  of  the  Luxemburg 
Parliament  two  members  of  the  Oppo- 
sition threw  the  chairs  belonging  to 


Kxtract  from  letter  from  an  L'ticotiscientioiis  Slacker. 

"DEAR  LORD  KITCHENER, — I  am  not  a  good  walker, 
which  prevents  my  joining  the  Infantry.  As  I  have  no 
experience  of  horses,  the  Cavalry  is  also  out  of  the  question. 
The  Artillery  I  don't  care  for  on  account  of  the  noise,  and 
flying  makes  me  giddy.  The  A.S.C.  does  not  appeal  to  mo, 
and  the  R.A.M.C.  would  entail  some  very  unpleasant  duties. 

' '  So  you  had  better  not  worry  about  me.  Perhaps  when 
the  fine  weather  comes  I  may  think  about  the  Navy.  I  am 
rather  keen  on  boating  .  .  ." 


marks  that  "  at  one's  country-seat  one 
can  very  well  do  without  a  motor-car, 
and  even  with  two  to  four  horses  in 
the  stables  instead  of  six  or  eight." 
This  was  read  with  great  satisfaction 
by  the  Berlin  Hausfrau  on  a  meatless 
day  when  the  bread-card  was 
hausted. 


"We  have  from  the  first  declared 
that  should  the  voluntary  system  fail 
to  supply  the  men  needed  to  win  the 
war  and  who  could  be  spared  from 
civil  war  wo  would  accept  and  support  it. " 
ilaiiclif.iler  Guardian, 

Unfortunately,  to  judge  by  the  proceed- 
ings at  the  Labour  Conference,  the 
claims  of  civil  war  are  very  heavy. 


The  House  of  Commons  \\as  quite 
relieved  when  Sir  GEOBOE  REID  took  . 
his  seat.     There  had  been  some  fears  I  heIP3  to  exPlam  thls  one  :~ 


ex_       This  paragraph  from  "Town  Topics  " 
in  The  Liverpool  Echo — 

"  Wo  know  that  many  of  our  men — es]x>ci- 
ally  the  single  ones,  judging  by  the  Derby 
figures — are  sheltering  behind  skirts  " — 


that  he  would  take  two. 


*    * 

t 


A  young  woman  who  mistook  Vine- 
street  police  station  for  a  tavern,  and 
was  fined  ten  shillings  for  drunken- 
ness, is  reported  to  have  expressed  the 
opinion  that  there  is  room  for  improve- 
ment in  the  nomenclature  of  our  public 
edifices.  .;.  + 

1  * 

"My  grave  doubt,"  writes  a  Conscien- 


"Several  lady  tram-conductors  in  the  city 
declare  they  are  denied  the  common  courtesies 
far  more  by  women  passengers  of  the  female 
gender  than  by  men." 

The  insistence  upon  the  sex  of  the  un- 
civil females  is  necessary  to  distinguish 
them  from  the  male  civilians. 


ED  house  (small)  wanted  in  Edin- 
burgh ;  with  ballroom,  h.  &  c." — Scotsman. 

Hot  for  the  chaperons  and  cold  for  the 
dancers. 


42 


PUNCH,  OR 


THE 


LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUABY    19,    1916. 


TO    THE    PRO-SHIRKERS. 

-ty-niiio   Members  voted   against  the  Second  Reading  of  the 
Military  Service  I'M-. 

You  that  in  civilian  lobbies, 
While  the  battle-thunder  rolls, 

Hug  your  little  party  hobbies 
So  to  savo  your  little  souls, 
Trc;iti::g  Kn.uLuid's  deadly  peril  like  a  topic  for  the  polls; 

Half  of  you — tho  record's  written— 

Lately  strode  to  Downing  Street 
And  for  love  of  Little  Britain 

Wallowed  at  the  PHKMIKK'S  feet, 

Urging  him  to  check  the  wanton  waste  of  our  superfluous 
Fleet. 

Had  your  passionate  prayer  been  granted 
And  tho  KAISEU  got  his  way, 

Teuton  crushers  might  be  planted 

On  our  hollow  turns  to-day, 
And  a  grateful  foe  be  asking  what  you  want  for  traitors' 

i»iy- 

Disappointed  with  the  Navy, 
You  in  turn  were  keen  about 

Putting  Thomas  in  the  gravy, 

Leaving  Thomas  up  the  spout, 
Lest  if  adequately  aided  he  should  wipe  the  strafers  out. 

Well,  our  memories  may  be  rotten, 
Yet  they  '11  stick  to  you  all  right ; 
Not  so  soon  shall  be  forgotten 

Those  whose  hearts  were  fixed  more  tight 
On  the  salvage  of  a  fetish  than  the  winning  of  the  light. 

When  the  Bosches  bite  the  gutter 

And  we  let  our  tongues  go  loose, 
Franker  words  I  hope  to  utter 

In  the  way  of  free  abuse, 

But  at  present  I  am  badly  hampered  by  the  party  truce. 

O.  S. 

WHITTLING    THEM    DOWN. 

DKAR  MB.  PUNCH, — I  know  you  must  be  longing  to  have 
my  analysis  of  the  Derby  figures.  I  hasten  to  comply,  for 
1  may  say  that  I  have  never,  since  the  War  began,  had 
liner  scope  for  my  individual  talents.  Never  have  I  had 
—not  even  in  the  great  Copper  Controversy — a  bunch  of 
figures  of  which  it  may  more  truly  be  said  that  they  are 
not  what  they  seem,  that  there  is  more  in  them  than  meets 
the  eye,  and  that  they  contain  wheels  within  wheels. 
And  first  of  all,  Sir,  I  hope  you  will  allow  me  to  explain 
where  I  am  in  this  matter ;  everybody  's  doing  it ;  and  you 
will  then  see  at  once  the  moral  grandeur  of  my  attitude. 
I  am  a  convinced  believer  in  the  Voluntary  System,  always 
have  been — on  principle.  But  I  am  willing  to  sacrifice 
even  that  for  victory.  If  it  can  be  shown  that  by  com- 
pulsion one  single  man  can  be  added  to  our  forces  who  would 
not  have  volunteered  (even  if  he  had  been  scientifically 
bullied),  I  will  be  willing  to  adopt  conscription.  But,  Sir, 
it  cnnnot  be  shown. 

The  crux  of  the  situation  admittedly  lies  with  the  figures 
of  the  Single  Men.  (In  case  of  misapprehension  I  should 
make  it  clear  that  when  I  spoke  above  of  "  one  single  man  " 
I  did  not  mean  one  unmarried  man,  but  one  sole  man). 
We  have  to  begin  our  attack  upon  this  figure  of  651,160 
unstarred  single  men  unaccounted  for.  It  seems  a  good 
nmn  v.  But  wait  a  bit.  We  shall  now  proceed  to  concen- 
trate a  powerful  succession  of  deductions.  It  only  needs  a 
fearless  and  patriotic  ingenuity. 


Let  us  not  disregard  obvious  facts.  From  this  number 
we  must  subtract— 

(1)  Ministers  of  religion  .     .     5  per  cent. 

(2)  Mercantile  Marine     .     .     5       „ 

(3)  Medically  unfit     ...  40 

(4)  Criminals If     „ 

(5)  Badged 10 

(6)  Indispensables      ...  10       „ 

Total  71 -J  per  cent.  You  see  we  are  already  getting  on. 
But  before  going  any  further  wo  had  better  consolidate  the 
ground  already  won  by  making  certain  additions,  in  case 
;:ny  one  maii  has  been  counted  twice.  These  are — 

(1)  Ministers  of  religion  who  are  also  medically  unfit. 

(2)  Criminals  in  the  mercantile  marine. 

(3)  Ministers  of  religion  in  the  mercantile  marine. 

(4)  Criminals  who  are  medically  unlit. 

(5)  Indispensable  criminals. 

(6)  Badged  criminal  ministers  of  religion. 

These  categories  taken  together  may  be  put  at  7J  per 
cent,  of  our  71f  per  cent.,  and  must  be  deducted  from  the 
deductions.  There  are  also  the  blind,  halt  and  maimed, 
deaf,  dumb  and  inebriate,  but  I  am  willing  to  throw  all 
of  them  in  so  as  to  be. on  the  safe  side. 

So  far  we  have  to  deduct,  then,  some  661  per  cent,  from 
our  total.  \Ve  must  do  better  than  that  if  we  are  to  get  on 
the  right  side  of  negligibility.  So  now  we  come  to  examine 
the  canvass.  A  good  many  men  were  not  canvassed,  or  at 
least  misunderstood  the  canvasser.  I  know  of  one  man 
in  my  constituency  (unstarred,  unbadged,  fit,  single  and 
of  army  age)  who  thought  the  fellow  had  come  to  collect 
for  Foreign  Missions,  to  which  he  has  a  conscientious 
objection. 

Along  with  these  I  propose  to  deduct  the  great  class  of 
what  I  shall  call  the  Self-centred.  These  are  they  who 
not  only  were  never  canvassed,  but  didn't  even  so  much  as 
hear  about  it,  who  had  probably  given  up  newspapers  as  a 
war  economy  and  were  living  quiet  virtuous  lives  in  out- 
of-the-way  places.  Add  to  them  removals  and  conscientious 
objectors  (less  allowance  for  conscientious  removals)  and 
we  have  a  total  not  short  of  27|  per  cent. 

Then  again,  as  the  supply  of  recruits  becomes  exhausted, 
it  must  always  be  remembered  that  wo  ai~e  dealing  with  a 
residuum.  That  is  to  say,  those  that  remain  are  always 
growing  more  conscientious,  more  criminal,  more  unfit, 
more  mercantile  and  so  on.  However,  I  count  nothing  for 
that,  for  I  haven't  much  of  my  total  left  to  dispose  of,  and 
I  have  still  to  deal  with  spoiled  cards. 

Everyone  who  has  assisted  at  a  contested  election  knows 
very  well  that  many  mistakes  cccur.  I  propose  to  allow  3 
per  cent,  for  illegible  cards  which  prevented  the  canvasser 
from  tracking  his  prey,  4  per  cent,  for  those  who  failed  to 
find  the  recruiting  oflice  owing  to  misdirection,  but  will  1  e 
sure  to  find  it  before  long,  and  -J  per  cent,  for  sundries,  such 
as  men  who  were  temporarily  confined  to  the  house. 

Our  final  result  is  thoroughly  satisfactory,  and  one  that 
must  give  Compulsionists  some  food  for  thought,  for  how- 
ever much  they  may  wish  to  introduce  the  principle  they 
cannot  desire  to  reduce  our  forces  in  the  field  in  the  middle 
of  a  great  war.  In  a  word,  we  must  deduct  101  \  per 
cent,  from  651,160.  That  gives  us  an  adverse  balance 
of  9,767.  This  means  that,  if  the  present  Bill  is  to  go 
through  and  compulsion  is  definitely  adopted,  nearly  half  a 
division  of  our  present  army  must  he  disbanded  forthwith. 
It  is  just  as  well  that  we  should  see  clearly  what  wo  are 
heading  for. 

It  has  given  me  great  pleasure,  to  have  the  opportunity 
of  clearing  up  this  vexed  question. 

I  am,         Yours  as  usual, 

STATISTICIAN.         Bis. 


I'l   NCII.    OK    TIIK    I/)XIK)N    CIIAIMVAIM.     jANVABt    I'.'. 


I 


a 

- 
a 


HB 
S  2 


GO 


02 


B 

CD 
13 

O 


CO 

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H 

3; 


o 

p  « 

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a> 

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K    -! 

^ 
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.1  \M-\KV   I!",  L916. 


1'1'XCII.  oil   TIIK    LONDON    rilAIMVAIM. 


THE    IRREPRESSIBLES. 

Nurse  (nf  private  hospital).  "A  MESSAGE  HAS  JUST  COME  IN  TO  ASK  IP  THE  HOSPITAL  WILL  MAKE  A  LITTLE  LESS  NOISE,  AS  TUB 

LADY  NEXT   DOOH  IIAS   A  TOUCH   OP   HEADACHE." 


EVEN. 

Even  the  food  of  the  men  wa<  wholesome 
abundant."  —  Report  of 


[" 
and 

lout 
Fleet.] 

SIN<;    ho!    for 

Canal, 
Where    every 


who    visited 


a  German  Cor- 
the    High    Canal 


the   Fleet   in   the  Kiel 
man    is    the    KAISER'S 


Anil  liviM  upon  boor  and  bread  ; 
And  they  all  have  food,  so  help  them 

BILL! 
For  every  officer  gets  his  fill 

And  even  the  men  are  fed. 

His  lx>;\nl  as  long  as  his  hair  is  short, 
VON    TIKPITZ     says    with    a    mighty 

snort, 

"We've  money  and  men  and  boats; 
We  're  here  to-day  and  we  're  here  to- 

morrow ; 
Pass  up  the  beer  and  drink  death  to 

sorrow  ; 
Why,  even  our  Navy  floats! 

"  Behind   the   locks   of    our   snug   re- 

treat 
\\V  hurl  defiance  at  JELLICOE'S  Fleet 

From  Eosyth  down  to  Dover  ! 
Wo  look  across  at  the  wet,  wet  sea 
And  we  drink  our  beer  till  even  we 

Are  almost  half-seas  over  ! 


"  Our  men  can  eat,  and  they  even  drink  ; 
They  walk  and  talk,  and  they  almost 
think ; 

They  can  turn  to  the  left  and  right ; 
And  when  we  strike  a  blow  in  the  back, 
Or  sink  a  liner  or  fishing-smack, 

By  Odin,  they  even  fight !  " 


Two  headlines  that  appeared  side  by 
side  in  the  same  issue  of  an  Evening 
Paper : — 

"  WOMAN  WILL  PROBABLY  BE  TRIED 

IN  CAMKKA. 
GERMAN  FEARS  FOR  LENS." 


"  •  Most  of  the  world's  real  literature  was 
written  by  poor  authors  in  their  garrets.' 

'  Quite  so.  Homer,  for  example,  wrote  in 
the  Attie.'  " — Ereniny  Paper. 

Did  he  now  ?  And  we  were  always 
taught  that  he  wrote  (or,  rather,  sang) 
in  the  Ionic. 

From  an  article  on  the  Clyde  dis- 
putes : — 

".Contrary  to  the  instructions  of  the 
Munitions  Ministry,  peace-pric.'s  are  some- 
times reduced,  with  resulting  friction." 

Daily  AVir*. 

We  are  glad  to  learn  that  the  Scotch 
workmen  do  not  belong  to  the  peace- 
at-any-price  brigade. 


THE   CONQUEST. 

EVERY  January  so  long  as  I  can 
remember  it  has  been  difficult ;  but 
this  year  more  so  than  ever.  I  cannot 
say  why,  except  that  last  year  was 
peculiarly  eventful  and  momentous. 

The  odd  thing  is  that  one  begins  so 
well.  For  the  first  day,  at  any  rate, 
one  can  do  it  quite  easily ;  but  it  is 
after  then  that  one  lias  to  be  vigilant ; 
and  however  vigilant  one  is  there  are 
off-guard  moments  when  the  fatal  slip 
occurs. 

Nor  will  any  mechanical  device 
assist  you,  for  nothing  can  successfully 
defeat  the  wandering  of  the  mind. 
Continuous  concentration  is  an  im- 
possibility ;  there  is  nothing  for  it  but 
habit — a  new  habit  that  shall  be  as 
strong  as  the  old — or  the  total  cessa- 
tion of  all  correspondence  and  (O  that 
'twere  possible ! )  all  making  out  of 
cheques. 

Still  conquest  comes  sooner  or  later, 
and  I  have  reached  that  point  in  my 
own  •  struggle.  I  have  at  last  finally 
got  over  the  tendency  to  write  1915. 

"As  a  result  of  the  Labour  Conferenc;  at 
Westminster,  yesterday,  a  resolution  was  sunk 
on  Lake  Tanganyika." — Western  Daily  Press. 

The  best  place  for  it. 


4G 


1TXCII,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[.I. \\r.\nY  19,  1916. 


A  NEW  THEATRICAL  VENTURE 


in  the  gentlemen's  uniforms.    However,  been  more  in  the  interview  as  originally 

•    I  said  nothing  about  this  to  Peter.  written. 

A   KRIKXD  of   mine   lins   started    as       Despite  the  presence   of   these   un-  _   Perhaps,  again,  the  cast  was  to  blame 

manager  'of    his    first    theatre    these  ;  pleasing  persons,  the  opening  perform-  for  whatever  may  have  been  disappoint- 

holidays.     It  may  seem  to  you  an  un-   ance  must  be  pronounced  a  real  success,  ing  in  the  performance.     Individually 


The  proprietor  was  kind  enough  Glade  especially  will  remain  witli  me  incapacity  to  remain  motionless  in 
to  invite  my  presence  at  his  opening  for  weeks  by  reason  of  the  stiff  neck  repose.  This  led  to  a  notable  lack  of 
performance.  As  a  matter  of  fact  I '  I  got  from  contorting  myself  under  balance.  However  sensational  it  may 
had  myself  put  up  the  money  for  it.  Peter's  guidance  to  the  proper  angle  be  for  the  exit  of  every  character  to 
Naturally  I  was  anxious  for  the  thing  for  its  appreciation.  But  histrionic-  bring  down  the  house,  its  effect  is 
to  be  a  success.  The  theatre  stands  !  ally  it  must  be  confessed  that  things  unfortunately  to  retard  the  action  of 
on  what  you  could  truthfully  call  a !  dragged  a  little.  Perhaps  this  was  the  piece 
commanding  situation  at  one 
end  of  the  schoolroom  table. 
It  is  an  elegant  renaissance 
edifice  of  wood  and  card- 


board, with  a  seating  accom- 
modation only  limited  by  the 
dimensions  of  the  schoolroom 
itself,  and  varying  with  the 
age  of  the  audience.  The 
lighting  effects  are  provided 
in  theory  by  a  row  of  oil 
foot-lamps,  so  powerful  as  to 
be  certain,  if  kindled,  to  con- 
sume the  entire  building  ;  in 
practice,  therefore,  by  a  num- 
ber of  candle-ends,  stuck  in 
the  wings  on  their  own 
grease.  These  not  only  fur- 
nish illumination,  but,  when 
extinguished  (as  they  con- 
stantly are  by  falling  scenery) 
produce  a  penetrating  aroma 
which  is  specially  dear  to  the 
managerial  nostrils. 

The  manager,  to  whom  I  j 
have  already  had  the  pleasure  j 
of  introducing  you,  is  Peter. 
I  have  been  impatiently  wait- 
ing for  the  moment  of  Peter's 
first  theatre,  these  nine  years. 
Like    marbles    or    Treasure 
Island,  it  is  at  once  a  land- 
mark and  a  milestone  in  the 
present-giving  career   of   an 
uncle.     So   I   had  devoted  some  con- 
siderable care  to  its  selection. 

In  one  respect  Peter's  theatre  re- 
minds me  of  the  old  Court  in  the  days 
of  the  VEDBENNE-BAHKER  repertory. 
You  recall  how  one  used  to  see  the 
same  people  at  every  performance,  a 
permanent  nucleus  of  spectators  that 
never  varied  ?  The  difference  is  that 
Peter's  permanent  nucleus  arc  neither 
so  individually  agreeable  nor  in  any 
true  sense  enthusiasts  of  the  drama. 
Indeed,  being  painted  on  the  pro- 
scenium, with  their  backs  to  the  stage, 
the  effect  they  produce  is  one  of  studied 
indifference.  Nay  more,  a  horrible  sus- 
picion about  them  refused  to  be  banished 
from  my  thoughts  ;  it  was  based  partly 
upon  the  costumes  of  the  ladies,  partly 
on  the  undeniably  Teutonic  suggestion 


Nervous  Country  Gentleman  (as  taxi  just  misses  an  island).  ' 

DRIVE    CAREFULLY,    PLEASE.       I  'M    NOT   ACCUSTOMED   TO   TAXIS.' 

Driver.  "THAT'S  FUNNY!     I  AIN'T  USED  TO  'EM,  NEITHER. 

A   MATTER  O'    FACT   I  'VE    ONLY    TAKEN    THIS    ON    FOR   A   BET." 


due  to  a -certain  severity,  not  to  say 
baldness,  in  the  dialogue  as  spoken. 
Not  having  read  the  script,  I  have  a 
feeling  that  it  might  be  unfair  to  judge 
the  unknown  author  by  the  lines  as 
rendered  by  Peter,  who  was  often  pre- 
occupied with  other  anxieties.  As,  for 
example,  the  scene  in  the  Baronial 
Castle  between  its  noble  but  unscru- 
pulous proprietor  and  a  character  intro- 
duced by  Peter  with  the  simple  notice  : 
"  This  is  a  murderer  coming  on  now." 

Baron.  Oh,  are  you  a  murderer  ? 

Murderer.  Yes. 

Bar.  Oh,  well,  you've  got  to  murder 
the  Princess. 

Murd.  All  right. 

Bar.  That 's  all  of  that  scene. 

Crisp,  of  course,  and  to  the  point ; 
but  I  feel  sure  that  there  must  have 


Personally  I  consider  that 
the  women  were  the  worst 
offenders.  Take  the  heroine, 
for  example.  Lovely  she  may 
have  been,  though  in  a  style 
more  appreciated  by  the  late 
GEOBGE  CRUIKSHANK  than  by 
myself ;  but  looks  are  not 
every  tiling.  Art  simply  didn't 
exist  for  her.  Eevue  might 
have  been  her  real  line ;  or, 
better  still,  a  strong-woman 
turn  on  the  Halls.  There 
was  (he  episode,  for  instance, 
where,  having  to  prostrate 
herself  before  the  Baron,  she 
insisted  upon  a  backward  exit 
(with  the  usual  result)  and 
then  made  an  acrobatic  re- 
entrance  on  her  knees. 

Tolerant  as  he  was,  even 
Peter  began  at  last  to  grow 
impatient  at  the  vagaries  of 
his  company.  Finally,  when 
the  Executioner  (a  mere 
walker-on  of  no  importance 
whatever)  had  twice  brought 
ridicule  upon  the  ultimate 
solemnities  of  the  law  by 
his  introduction  of  comic 
dives  off  the  scaffold,  the 
manager  rang  down  the  cur- 
tain. Not  before  it  was  time. 
"  They  're  lovely  to  look 
at,"  he  observed,  surveying  the  supine 
cast,  "but  awfully  difficult  to  do  any- 
thing with." 

"  Peter,"  I  answered  gratefully,  "  as 
an  estimate  of  the  theatrical  profession 
your  last  remark  could  hardly  be  im- 
proved upon." 

Of  course  he  didn't  understand  ;  but, 
being  dramatist  as  well  as  uncle,  I 
enjoyed  saying  it. 


Do 


As 


"February  3. — A  total  eclipse  of  the  sun, 
partly  visible  at  Greenwich  as  a  partial  eclipse. 
Eclipse  begins  to  be  visible  at  Greenwich  at 
4.31  P.M.  ;  ends  after  the  sun  has  set." 

"  February  3. — A  partial  ellipse  of  the 
moon,  partly  visible  at  Greenwich.  Begins 
at  4.31  P.M." — Churchman's  Almmack. 

This    double    obscuration    will    make 
navigation  very  difficult  for  sky-pilots. 


.1  \M-UIY    1'.),    l!)ir,.! 


1TNCII.   ol!    TIIK    LONDON    rilAlMVAIM. 


r, 


BADGES. 
MY  companion    had    tlio    habit    of 

muttering  to  himself  and  I  was  re- 
lieved when  ho  leant  over  and  spoke  to 
lie  was  a  dry  lit1  le  man  nf  middle 
age,  with  a  nervous  kindly  face  and 
lliat  twinkled  with  the  voluntary 
spirit.  I  had  seen  him  on  summer 
even  ings  clipping  his  hedge  and  priming 
for  we  lived  nearly  opposite 
to  each  other.  Suddenly  ho  emerged 
from  his  newspaper  and  said  in  a<|iiiek 
determined  way,  "  What  this  country 
I,  Sir,  is  more  buttonholes.  The 
nits  have  only  two  buttonholes ; 
that,  is  to  say,  only  two  that  are 
superfluous,  the  rest  are  all  needed  by 
luitions.  it  'a  a  scandal,  Sir!" 

1  Isn't  there  one  at  the  bottom  of 
iisteoat '!  "  I  asked. 

"Quite  useless,"  ho  said  with  much 
v,  though  smiling  very  kindly. 
"Quito  useless  for  the  purpose.  The 
r,"  ho  added,  "would  not  be  so 
it  if  wo  had  more  sleeves.  Worse 
even  than  tlio  dearth  of  button-holes  is 
the  lack  of  eligible  sleeves.  In  peace 
time  two  sleeves  may  have  been  suffi- 
cient ;  to-day  .  .  .  Well,  you  can  sym- 
pathise." He  looked  (still  smiling)  at 
the  khaki  armlet  that  bound  my  arm 
and  the  Special  Constable's  badge  that 
nestled  in  my  overcoat. 

I  le  had  the  shy  decisiveness  of  a  man 
who  seldom  spoke  his  mind.  If  neces- 
sary I  would  have  wrested  his  name 
from  him  and  pretended  a  relationship 
with  his  wife.  But  he  needed  no 
encouragement. 

••  At  the  beginning,  when  one  was 
just  a  special  constable,  it  didn't  matter 
so  much.  I  wore  my  badge  and  my 
armlet  when  I  was  on  duty  and  some- 
times when  I  was  not.  Even  when  I 
joined  our  Volunteer  Corps  I  was  not 
usly  embarrassed.  After  all,  one 
could  alternate  the  badges  and  the 
armlets  and,  at  a  pinch,  wear  them  all 
together.  Then  I  became  an  unskilled 
munition  worker,  which  meant  three 
badges  and  two  armlets.  At  first  I 
wore  two  on  my  overcoat  and  three 
inside.  Then  I  would  give  some  of 
them  a  rest,  generally  to  find  that  I  was 
\se;ning  the  wrong  ones  on  the  wrong 
occasions.  Altogether  it  was  very  con- 
fusing." 

"  So  far,"  I  said  with  some  sym- 
pathy, "  I  can  follow  you.  I  am  my- 
self an  unskilled  War  Oflice  clerk  ;  but 
you  have  forgotten  Lord  DERBY'S 
armlet,  which  at  the  moment  has  the 
place  of  honour  with  me." 

"  No,"  he  said,  "  I  have  that  too. 
And  I  have  another  badge.  I  earned 
it  on  New  Year's  Day." 

He  took  on"  his  spectacles  and  rubbed 
them  mechanically.  It  gave  him  a 


THE    MASCOT. 

Adoring  Damsel.  "AND  YOU  inr.r,  WEAR  IT  ALWAYS,   iro.v'r  YOU?" 
Popular  young  Sub.  "THANKS  AWFULLY.    IT'S  FRIGHTFULLY  DECENT  OF  YOU,  AND 
ALL  THAT,  BUT — ER— YOU  SEE,  THERE'S  A  LOT  OF  OTHER  LITTLE  CHAPS  WAITIN1  TO  DO 
THEIR  BIT;   I'M  AFRAID  HE'LL  HAVE  TO  TAKE  HIS  TURN  WITH  THE  REST." 


.•cry  detached  appearance  and  he  spoke 
gently,  without  malice. 

"  I  have  an  aunt,"  he  said,  "  by  self- 
election,  a  most  worthy  woman,  who 
was  my  mother's  cousin.     It  came  to  I 
her  ears    that  I   hod   become  a  tee- 
totaler for  the  duration  of  the  war.     It 
appears  that  there  is  a  badge  for  tern-  j 
porary  teetotalers.      She   brought   me , 
one.     She  begged  me  with  tears  in  her 
eyes  to  wear  it.     I  remonstrated.     I 
pointed  out  that  if  every  public  and 
private  virtue  is  to  be  symbolised  in  this 
fashion,  people  with  few  vices  and  a ' 
willing  heart  would  soon  be  perpetually  j 
in  fancy-dress." 

"  And  what  happened  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  I    wavered    for   a   time    and   then 
happily  I  found  a  way  out.    A  few  days  ; 


ago  it  occurred  to  me  that  there  must 
be  other  means,  as  yet  untried,  of  adver- 
tising one's  patriotism.  I  saw  a  notice 
in  a  restaurant  I  sometimes  go  to,  '  No 
Germans  or  Austrians  Employed  Here.' 
'  Happy  proprietor,'  I  said,  '  who  can 
so  trumpet  his  honesty  without  increas- 
ing cither  his  badges  or  his  armlets ! ' 
The  fact  is  that  it  set  me  thinking. 
Eventually  I  hit  on  a  plan.  It  was 
very  disappointing  to  my  aunt,  but  it 
answers  wonderfully." 

"  May  I  ask?  "  1  said ;  "  it  might  be 
useful." 

"  Oh,  certainly,  certainly.  'We  have 
bought  a  little  enamelled  plate  and  had 
it  fixed  to  our  gate.  You  may  have 
noticed  it.  It  has  the  words,  'No 
Bottles.'  " 


48 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVAIJI. 


[.JANUARY  19,  1916. 


THE    WATCH    DOGS. 

XXXIII. 

MYi>r.Ai:OiiAi!i.r.s, — You  didn't  catch 
sight  of  aDymention of  mein  despatches, 

did  you?  I  have  been  rather  too  busy 
myself  to  read  the  list  properly,  hut  I 
did  just  have  time  to  cast  a  casual  eye 
over  the  "  II's,"  and  I  didn't  notice  the 
name  of  "Henry"  standing  out  in 
he  ivy-leaded  capitals.  It  must  be  an  in- 
advertence, of  course.  They  must  have 
said  something  about  me,  as,  for  in- 
stance: "Especially  to  be  remarked  is 
the  noble  altruism  of  Lieut.  Henry. 
who  on  more  than  one  march  has  been 
observed  to  take  his  pack,  containing 
all  his  worldly  goods,  off  his  back  and 
to  hand  it  without  ostentation  to  some 
lucky  driver  of  a  limber,  saying,  '  Take 
it,  my  lad ;  your  need  is  greater  than 
mine.' "  Or  again,  referring  to  my 
later  career:  "The  pen  is  mightier 
than  the  sword,  but  Lieut.  Henry's  in- 
delible pencil,  when  engaged  on  official 
correspondence,  is  mightier  than  both." 
Or  at  least,  at  the  very  beginning  of 
things,  I  'm  quite  sure  the  Mentioner 
devoted  a  passing  phrase  to  me:  "By 
the  way,  I  have  just  received  a  consign- 
ment described  on  the  Movement  Order 
as  'Officer, one,  Henry,  Liaut.' Speaking 
frankly  as  between  ourselves,  what  is 
it  exactly  ?  In  any  case  I  would  gladly 
exchange  fora  dozen  tins  of  bully  beef." 
Talking  of  despatches,  I  see  that  our 
old  friend  the  Eegimental  Anarchist  has 
not  escaped  notice.  I  never  thought 
he  would,  for  a  less  unnoticeable  man  I 
don't  remember  meeting.  He  is  one  of 
those  big  untidy  fellows,  very  nice  for 
purposes  of  war  and  all  that,  whom  not 
the  cleverest  adjutant  could  manage  to 
conceal  on  a  ceremonial  parade.  His 
service  equipment  alone  was  notorious 
in  the  division.  While  we  were  still  in 
England  he  and  I  used  to  share  a 
billet.  Every  night  the  last  thing  I 
saw  before  going  to  sleep  was  the 
Anarchist  trying  on  a  new  piece  of 
personal  furniture.  He  had  at  least  a 
hundred  aunts,  and  each  of  them  had 
at  least  a  hundred  bright  ideas  ;  besides 
which  few  days  went  by  but  he  paid  a 
generous  visit  to  the  military  outfitter. 
Never  in  my  life  shall  I  forget  the 
sight  of  him  during  our  last  moments 
at  home.  While  others  were  stuffing 
into  themselves  the  last  good  meal 
they  expected  to  taste  for  three  years  or 
the  duration,  he  was  putting  on  patent 
waterproof  after  patent  waterproof.  He 
stepped  forth  at  last,  sweating  at  every 
pore,  and  it  wasn't  raining  at  the  time 
and  didn't  look  like  raining  till  next 
winter.  The  38-lb.  limit  prevented  his 
putting  more  than  four  coats  into  his 
valise,  and  his  method  of  packing 
didn't  economise  space.  If  there' had 


been  any  limit,  however  generous,  to 
the  amount  of  room  an  officer  may 
occupy  in  the  column  of  route  we'd 
have  had  to  go  abroad  without  our 
Anarchist,  and  a  much  quieter  and 
more  respectable  life  we'd  have  had 
that  way. 

Even  in  our  earliest  days  in  B.E.F., 
when  we  were  well  behind  the  firing 
line,  ho  started  playing  with  fire. 
Thinking  that  we  shared  his  low  tastes 
ho  would  gather  us  r.nmd  him  and 
lecture  us  on  the  black  arts.  "This 
little  fellow,"  he  would  say,  fetching  an 
infernal  machine  out  of  his  pocket — 
"  this  little  fellow  is  as  safe  as  houses 
provided  he  has  no  detonator  in  his 
little  head.  But  we  will  just  make 
sure."  A  flutter  of  excitement  would 
pass  round  the  audience  as  he  started 
unscrewing  the  top  to  make  sure.  "  Of 
course,"  he'd  cjntinue,  finding  the 
screw  a  bib  stiff  and  getting  absorbed 
in  his  toy — "of  course,  if  there  should 
happen  to  be  a  detonator  inside,  you 
have  only  to  tickle  it  and  almost 
anything  may  happjn."  While  he'd 
bs  struggling  with  the  screw,  the  front 
row  of  the  audience  would  be  shifting 
its  ground  to  give  the  back  rows  a 
better  view.  '  "  You  can't  be  too  care- 
ful," he  'd  say,  passing  it  lightly  from 
one  hand  to  the  other  in  order  to  search 
for  his  well-known  clasp-knife,  "  for 
if  you're  not  careful,"  he'd  explain, 
tucking  the  bomb  under  his  arm  so 
as  to  have  both  hands  free  to  open 
the  knife — "if  you're  not  caroful," 
he  'd  say,  suddenly  letting  go  the  knife 
in  order  to  catch  the  bomb  as  it  slid 
from  his  precarious  hold — "  if  you  're 
not  very  careful "  (getting  to  real  busi- 
ness with  the  murderous  blade),  "very 
— very — careful  .  .  ."  But  none  of  us 
were  ever  near  enough  by  that  time 
to  hear  what  would  happen  if  we 
weren't  (or  even  if  he  wasn't). 

And  then  those  strange  nights  in  the 
trenches,  when  he  and  I  used  to  be  on 
duty  together !  I  would  be  waiting  in 
our  luxurious,  brightly-lit  gin-palace  of 
a  dug-out  for  him  to  join  me  at  our 
midnight  lunch.  He  'd  come  in  at  last, 
clad  in  his  fleece  lining,  the  only  sur- 
vivor of  his  extensive  collection  of 
overcoats,  its  absence  of  collar  giving 
him  a  peculiarly  clerical  look.  He  'd 
sit  down  to  his  cocoa,  but  hardly  be 
started  on  the  day  before  yesterday's 
newspaper  (just  arrived  with  the 
rations)  before  the  private  bombard- 
ment would  begin.  I  would  spring  to 
attention ;  ho  would  go  on  reading. 
"Hush!"  I'd  say.  (Why  "Hush!" 
I  don't  know.)  "  What 's  all  that 
for?"  "Me,"  he'd  say,  turning  to 
the  personal  column.  And  then  I  'd 
know  that,  seizing  the  opportunity  of 
being  unobserved,  he'd  been  out  for 


a  nocturnal  stroll  with  a  handful  of 
bombs,  seeking  a  little  innocent  plea- 
sure. The  gentlemen  opposite,  not 
being  cricketers  themselves  or  knowing 
anything  about  the  slow  bowler,  had, 
as  usual,  mistaken  him  for  a  trench 
mortar  and  were  making  a  belated  reply. 

Only  his  servant  accompanied  him 
on  those  jaunts.  He  was  a  nice  quiet 
villain,  whoso  lust  for  adventure  had, 
I  always  imagine,  been  long  ago  satis- 
lied  by  a  do/en  or  so  gentle  burglaries 
in  his  civilian  past.  He  didn't  want 
to  kill  people ;  bis  job  in  life  was  to 
keep  his  master  alive  and  well  fed. 
So  when  the  latter  went  out  bombing 
he  thought  he  might  as  well  go  out 
with  him,  and  occupy  himself  picking 
turnips  for  to-morrow's  stew. 

When  the  Anarchist  wasn't  dis- 
tributing bombs  he  was  collecting 
bullets.  Being  untidy  by  nature,  he 
didn't  particularly  care  where  they  hit 
him,  provided  they  didn't  damage  his 
pipe.  That  was  all  he  cared  about,  his 
lyddite  and  his  tobacco.  I  often  wonder 
how  it  was  he  didn't  get  the  two  habits 
of  his  life  mixed  up — fill  a  pipe  with 
H.E.,  light  it  and  finish  off  that  way. 
But  he  didn't ;  he  has  just  gone  on 
collecting  lead,  letting  it  accumulate 
about  his  person  until  it  got  too  heavy 
to  be  convenient  and  then  resorting  to 
the  nearest  hospital  to  have  it  removed. 
I  hear  he  's  there  now,  the  result,  J. 
gather,  of  a  bit  of  a  show.  It  was  his 
servant  who  was  walking  about  that 
unhealthy  field  at  that  imprudent  time 
and  found  him.  One  would  like  to 
paint  a  romantic  picture  of  the  meet- 
ing, but  I  doubt  if  there  was  much 
romance  about  it.  I  am  quite  sure  all 
the  Anarchist  cared  about  was  his 
tobacco  pouch  and  all  the  servant  was 
interested  in  was  the  further  collection 
of  vegetables,  just  in  case. 

I  can  see  our  Anarchist,  lying  in  his 
little  white  bed  in  the  hospital,  sur- 
rounded by  his  sevenpenny  racing 
novels  (with  or  without  covers),  his 
tins  of  navy-cut  (some  empty,  some 
full),  his  fleece  lining,  his  compass, 
his  socks,  his  field-glasses,  his  ties, 
his  revolver  and  his  last  month's 
letters  (some  opened,  some  not),  all 
jumbled  happily  together,  with  his 
ragged  old  shaving  -  brush  reigning 
proudly  in  the  midst.  I  doubt  if  he 
knows  he 's  been  "  mentioned,"  for  one 
could  never  get  him  to  take  interest  in 
any  news  which  wasn't  "  sporting  "  ; 
possibly  he  is  made  suspicious  by  the 
uncomfortable  presence  of  unopened 
telegrams  in  all  corners  of  his  bed. 
But  one  thing  I  do  hope,  and  that  is 
that  this  bed  is,  at  any  rate,  not 
strewn,  inside  and  out,  with  unexploded 
hand-grenades. 

Yours  ever,  HENRY. 


JAM  \RY  1!), 


PUNCH,    nil   TIIK    l.n.\|)<i\    CHAKI VAKI. 


WARFARE    AT    THE    BARBER'S. 


••WHAT  DO  YOU  THINK  OF  THE  PAPER  THIS  MORNING,  SIR?" 


'QUITE   TIME   WE  HAD   COMPfLSION,    EH?" 


'NO  GOOD   SHUTTING  OUB  EVKS  TO 
FACTS." 


"WHAT  WE   WANT  IS   MOBE   ENERGY." 


"OP  COURSE   MISTAKES   WILL 
HAPPEN  " — 


"AND  IT'S  NO  GOOD  POCRING  COLD 
WATER  ON  ENTIU'SIASM." 


'  I  'M  HOPING  FOB  THAT  '  FORWARD  PCSH 
IN  THE  SPRING." 


,   IT   WILL  BE   A   GREAT 
RKLIEP   WHEN    IT'S   ALT.  OVER." 


1'1'NCII.   OK    II  IK    LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  19,  1916. 


PRUSSIAN    DREAM    OF    PEACE    IN    THE    SPRING. 


PROVINCIAL    PATRIOTS. 

From  Jim  Figgis,  Whitty  Bridge,  to 
George  Roberts,  South  Farm,  Sud- 
boroitgh. 

Dec.  5th,  1915. 

DEAR  GEORGE, — I  hear  the  remount 
officer  is  coming  round  your  part.  I 
have  a  compact  little  bay  horse,  just 
the  sort  for  the  Army.  We  must  all 
do  our  hit  now,  so  here  's  our  chance. 
The  Vet  says  the  horse  has  laminitis  in 
his  off  fore  foot,  but  it's  all  my  eye. 
Anyhow  he  "s  the  useful  sort  they  re- 
quire for  the  Army. '  They  wouldn't 
look  at  me  if  I  offered  him,  but  you 
can  get  round  them.  Give  me  fifty 
quid  and  I  '11  send  him  over. 

Your  friend,    J.  FIGGIS. 

From  George  Roberts  to  Jim  Figgis. 
Dec.  7th,  1915. 

DEAR  JIM, — Yours  to  hand..  No  one 
can  say  that  you  're  not  a  good  patriot, 
and  I  won't  be  No.  2.  But  fifty  quid 
for  that  little  horse — not  me.  Say 
thirty  and  he's  mine,  sound  or  un- 
sound. Yours,  G.  EGBERTS. 

George  Roberts  to  the  Hon.  Mordaunt 
Fopstone,  White  Lion  Hotel,  Sud- 
boroiujh. 

Dec.  10^,  1915. 

DEAR  SIR, — Hearing  you  are  looking 
out  for  horses  for  the  Army  I  write  to 
say  I  have  one  or  two  which  I  shall  be 


pleased  to  place  at  your  disposal  and 
at  a  very  reasonable  price,  as  in  these 
times  we  must  all  give  up  something 
for  the  country.  I  shall  be  pleased  to 
see  you  at  any  time  convenient,  except 
Tuesday,  when  I  have  to  be  at  our  local 
Agricultural  Show. 

Yours  to  command, 

G.  EGBERTS. 

From  the  Hon.  Mordaunt  Fopstone  to 
George  Roberts. 

Dec.  Uth,  1915. 

'DEAR  SIR,  —  Thank  you  for  your 
letter.  ,  It  is  very  satisfactory  to  find 
local  people  of  your  position  anxious 
to  help.  I  will  call  at  your  farm  on 
Friday  next  and  see  the  horsss  you 
refer  to.  With  thanks, 

Yours  truly,      M.  FOPSTONE.    . 

P.S. — I  have  been  warned  against  a 
man  named  Figgis.  Do  you  know 
him? 

From   George  Roberts  to   the 
Hon.  Mordaunt  Fopstone. 

Dec.  13th,  1915. 

DEAR  SIR, — Friday  will  suit  me  very 
well  for  your  call,  at  any  time  you 
please.  You  are  quite  right  to  avoid 
Figgis ;  he  is  one  of  the  small  horse- 
dealing  class  who  are  a  discredit  to  our 
country  districts.  Any  further  informa- 
tion is  at  your  service. 

Yours  to  command,    G.  EOBEI.TS.  • 


From  the  Hon.  Mordaunt  Fopstone 
to  George  Roberts. 

Dec.  21st,  1915. 

DEAR  MR.  EGBERTS, — I  have  now 
pleasure  in  enclosing  cheque  for  £65 
for  bay  horse.  As  stated  to  you  when 
I  called  at  South  Farm,  I  was  not  in 
a'  position  to  go  beyond  £60  without 
further  authorisation ;  this  I  have 
now  obtained.  Thanking  you  for  the 
patriotic  spirit  you  have  shown  in  this 
little  business, 

Yours  truly,    M.  FOPSTOXE. 

From  the  Adjutant,  Royal  Beetshiri 
Hussars,  Tick/id  Camp,  to  Messrs. 
Davison  Bros.,  The  Mart,  Southttnrn. 

Jan.  1st,  1916. 
Please  enter  bay  gelding,  aged,  sent 

herewith,  in   your   next    sale  without 

reserve,  as  lie  is  not  sound  and  of  no 

use  to  Army. 

Memo,  from  Davison  Bros,  to  Adjutant. 
Jan.  17th,  1916. 

DEAR  SIR,  —  Herewith  please  find 
cheque  £5  4s.  3d.  for  bay  gelding, 
being  amount  realised  for  same,  less 
our  commission  and  expenses. 

Yours  faithfully,     DAVISON  BROS. 


The  Times  heads  an  article,  "  Unity 
in  the  Air."  It  deals,  however,  with 
the  new  Anglo-French  Aviation  Con- 
ference and  has  nothing  to  do  with  the 
latest  Peter  Pan. 


ITNCH,   OR  TIIK    I/)M)()X   CHAi;iV.\KI.— JANUARY  19,  191  fi. 


. 

-  m 


,.-• 


j.  ~  ••••*«*  "& 


'  1 


GALLIPOLI-AND  AFTER? 


SULTAN.  "CONGRATULATE    ME,   WILLIAM.     NO    ENGLISH    EEMAIN.     I'VE    DRIVEN    THEM 
ALL    INTO    THE    SEA!" 

KAISER.  "VERY    CARELESS    OF    YOU.       WHY,    THAT'S    THEIR    ELEMENT  1  " 


JANUARY  I!),  r.Mt;.] 


PUNCH,   n|{    TIIK    LONDON    rilAIMVAIII. 


53 


ESSENCE     OF     PARLIAMENT. 

(KXTHUTKI)    TIIOM    TIIK    T)I.U!Y    OK    ToIlV,     M.P.) 


77 1  XrK.iKKR  (lapsinj  for  the  first  time  from  Parliamentary  etiquette  at  the  sight  of  Sir  QEORGE  REID  ready  to  take  Ml  scat  in  the 
Lv).  "ADVANCE,  AUSTRALIA!" 


House  of  Commons,  Monday,  Janu-  j 
dry/  \Qth. — In  spite  of  sharp  rebuke 
administered  by  SPEAKER  last  week  tbe 
PERTINACIOUS  PHINGLE  to  the  fore  again 
— to  be  precise,  to  the  Forward.  This 
the  name  of  weekly  paper  that  is  pub- 
lished in  Clyde  district,  and  has  of  late 
emerged  from  obscurity  by  "deliberately 
inciting  workers,"  as  LLOYD  GEORGE 
said,  "  not  to  carry  out  Act  of  Parliament 
passed  in  order  to  promote  the  output 
of  munitions."  On  motion  for  adjourn- 
ment PIUXGLE  perceived  opportunity 
of  attacking  MINISTER  OF  MUNITIONS. 
Accused  him  of  suppressing  the  sheet 
because  it  had  reported  proceedings  at 
meetings  attended  by  him  in  Glasgow, 
at  which  his  speech  was  interrupted  by 
noisy  minority.  This  course  of  pro- 
cedure imitated  by  PHINGLE  when 
LLOYD  GEOBQE,  replying,  quoted  pass- 
ages in  the  paper  making  violent  attack 
on  the  KINO  and  systematic  attempts 
to  stem  flood  of  recruiting. 

"  These  things,"  said  the  MINISTER,  in 
passage  loudly  cheered,  "meant  life  or 


death  to  our  men  in  the  field.  They  are  ' 
not  suitable  matters  for  Parliamentary 
sport.  We  are  dealing  in  tragedies.  I 
am  doing  my  best  to  save  the  men  at 
the  Front.  I  am  entitled  to  be  helped, 
not  to  be  harried." 

OUTHWAITE,  coming  to  assistance  of 
PRINGLE,  otherwise  prangling  all  forlorn, 
jumped  upon  by  Captain  CAMPBELL. 

"  If  I  had  the  Hon.  Member  in  my 
battalion  at  the  Front,"  he  said,  "  he 
would  be  strung  up  by  the  thumbs  be- 
fore he  had  been  there  half-an-hour." 

This  scarcely  Parliamentary ;  but  it 
passed  the  Chair,  leaving  the  gallant 
Captain,  who  modestly  wears  well-won 
ribbon  of  D.S.O.,  time  to  adjure  the 
House  to  "  get  on  with  the  War." 

Business  done. — In  House  barely  half 
full  Motion  carried  calling  upon  Govern- 
ment to  enter  into  consultation  with 
the  Overseas  Dominions  in  oijler  to 
bring  economic  strength  of  Empire  into 
co-operation  with  our  Allies  in  a  policy 
directed  against  the  enemy. 

Tuesday.  —  Said   with   truth   that  a 


speech  in  the  House  of  Commons, 
however  forcible  and  eloquent,  rarely 
influences  a  vote.  Some  orators,  how- 
ever, have  gift  of  stirring  the  soul 
to  emotions  that  carry  a  man  to  actions 
beyond  range  of  conventionality.  Such 
an  one  is  the  Right  Hon.  THOMAS 
LOUGH,  commonly  and  affectionately 
known  through  several  Parliaments  as 
"  Tommy."  One  of  small  faction  of 
Liberals  who  have  not  withdrawn 
opposition  to  Military  Service  Bill. 
Declaiming  against  it  just  now  on 
motion  for  Second  Reading,  he  described 
it  as  a  sham. 

"  It  is  not  true,"  he  said,  "  that  young 
unmarried  men  have  held  back.  On 
the  contrary  they  have  come  forward 
nobly  and  in  great  numbers." 

Vindication  of  a  maligned  class  so 
affected  somebody  seated  in  the  Strang- 
ers' Gallery  that  he  loudly  clapped  his 
hands.  This  a  decided  breach  of 
order.  The  Assyrians  (in  form  of 
Gallery  attendants)  came  down  upon 
him  like  a  wolf  on  the  fold.  Ordered 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


!j.\xr.u«Y  19,  1916. 


-OR  |  j 


"H 


$M'"$***> 


Sailor  (who  lias  been  reprimanded  by  young  officer  for  not  saluting  him).  "  BEG  PARDON,  SIR  ;  BUT  YOU  TOMMIES  ARE  ALL  so  MUCH  AI.I  KK." 


him  to  withdraw.  He  explained  that ' 
he  was  so  entirely  at  one  with  argu- 
ment of  the  Hon.  Member  for  West] 
Islington  that  he  preferred  to  remain 
to  listen  to  continuance  of  his  speech. 
Assyrians  insistent  on  his  immediate 
departure.  Martial  spirit  of  young 
unmarried  man  roused.  Eefused  to 
budge.  Whereupon  the  Assyrians, 
lifting  him  out  of  the  seat,  carried  him 
forth  vi  et  armis — free  translation,  by 
legs  and  arms. 

From  his  seat  below  the  Gangway 
Mr.  FLAVIN  watched  procedure  with 
wistful  eyes.  Remembered  how  to- 
wards break  of  day  dawning  on  an  all- 
night  sitting  held  towards  the  close  of 
last  century  he  also  was  earned  forth 
shoulder  high,  not  by  officers  of  the 
House  in  nice  white  shirt  fronts,  with 
glittering  badges  hunground  their  necks, 
but  by  the  common  or  street  policeman 
helmeted  and  belted.  As  he  journeyed 
he  sang,  "God  save  Ireland,"  his  com- 
patriots, more  or  less  attuned,  joining 
in  the  chorus. 

Recognition  of  historical  incident 
sharply  marks  contrast  in  attitude  of 
Irish  Members  then  and  now.  Still 
fighting  for  Home  Rule  they  stopped 
short  of  no  outrage  upon  order,  system- 


atically and  successfully  obstructing 
public  business.  Military  Service  Bill 
offers  enticing  opportunities  for  exercise 
of  old  tactics.  They  might,  if  they 
pleased,  keep  House  sitting  for  weeks 
fighting  Bill  in  Committee  line  by  line, 
word  by  word,  as  was  their  custom  of 
an  afternoon,  and  half-way  through  the 
night,  in  days  of  old.  Other  times 
other  manners.  Interposing  early  in 
debate  JOHN  REDMOND  announced  that 
his  party,  having  made  their  protest 
against  Bill  in  Division  Lobby  on 
First  Reading,  would  withdraw  from 
further  opposition. 

Business  done — Second  Reading  of 
Military  Service  Bill  moved. 

Wednesday. — Sir  GEORGE  REID,  hav- 
ing completed  term  of  service  as  High 
Commissioner  of  Australia,  took  his 
seat  as  Member  for  St.  George's,  Han- 
over Square.  Carefully  dismounting  at 
Bar  from  his  native  steed  he  was  intro- 
duced by  BONAR  LAW,  Unionist  Colonial 
Secretary,  and  HARCOURT,  Colonial 
Secretary  in  late  Liberal  Government. 
This  concatenation  of  circumstance, 
testifying  to  universal  esteem  and  ex- 
ceptional personal  popularity,  unique 
in  Parliamentary  records. 

New-comer    will    serve    in    double 


capacity.  Nominally  Member  for  St. 
George's,  he  will  also  be  Member  for 
Australia,  an  innovation  that  will  pro- 
bably have  wider  scope  and  formal 
recognition  when  the  Overseas  Domin- 
ions have  completed  their  splendid 
work  of  helping  the  Mother  Country 
to  bring  the  War  to  triumphant  con- 
clusion. 

GEORGE  REID'S  career  on  a  new  stage 
will  1)0  watched  .with  keen  interest  in 
his  two  antipodal  homes.  Since,  six 
years  ago,  he  came  to  London,  he  has 
acquired  the  reputation  of  being  one  of 
the  best  after-dinner  speakers  of  the 
day.  How  will  the  qualities  that  ensure 
success  in  that  direction  serve  him  at 
Westminster?  MACAULAY  truly  said, 
"  The  House  of  Commons  is  the  most 
peculiar  audience  in  the  world.  A  place 
in  which  I  would  not  promise  success 
to  any  man." 

The  MEMBER  FOR  SARK  'puts  his 
money  (or  such  portion  as  is  left 
after  paying  War  taxes)  on  the  Member 
for  St.  George's,  Hanover  Square-c»w- 
Australia,. 

Debate  on  Second  Reading  of  Mili- 
tary Service  Bill  resumed.  Best  thing 
said  during  two  days'  talk  was  an  inci- 
dental remark  of  BIRRELX/S.  Relating 


.|\M\KY    I!),    !!)!<;.] 


oi;    TIIK   LONDON    riI.\KI\  AIM. 


<liii'xt  (iclia  lias  been  asked  to  a  tlieatre  dinner-parly).  "  I  SAY,  I  THOUGHT " 

Host.  "  Oir,  DON'T  BOTHEB  ABOUT  YOUR  CLOTHES,  OLD  CHAP.    PEOPLE  WILL  ONLY  THINK  YOU 'BE  A  BIT  OLD- FASHIONED." 


history  of  Bill  in  Cabinet  he  said  he 
Inul  felt  it  his  duty  to  say  something 
about  Ireland. 

"What  I  said,"  he  added,  "is  of, 
course  known  only  to  those  of  my 
colleagues  who  \vero  sitting  round  the 
table  and  to  such  representatives  of  the 
London  Tress  as  were  sitting  under- 
neath it." 

This  hint  explains  mystery  clouding  ! 
ict  that  whilst  the  secrets  of  Cabi- 
net Councils  are  held  to  be  inviolable 
there  aremorniiu;  papei  sable  habitually 
to   Mive  detailed   information  of  what 
i   behind  the  locked  and  barred 

Hnxiiicxx  done. — Second  Reading  of 
Military   Service   Bill   carried   by  431 ! 
votes  against  39. 

Tliui-xiluy. —  After    advancing    three 
minor  (lovenimont  Bills  a  stage,  House  I 
adjourned  at  o.-'M. 

The  Official  Style. 
Extract     from    an    Indian    Service 

•r: — - 

••Service  Order  41  of  1914,  dated  16-10-14. 

Hi1   was  ;i|i|ii)iiitod  :ictintf  Forest  (luard   and 

to  Sunnnoni  beat,  in  place  o£  Climvdn 

/aicko,  l-'iinst,  Ciii, ml,  who  was  devoured  hy  a 

li^iT  with  effect  from  tho    forenoon  of   16th 

in." 


AT  THE  BACK  OF  THE  FRONT. 

HEHE  where  the  world  is  quiet  except 
for  the  noise  of  the  rain  trickling  into 
one's  valise  through  the  nooks  and 
crannies  of  one's  rustic  apartment — here 
where  there  is  no  peril  from  above  and 
no  peril  from  in  front,  neither  peril  of 
enfilade,  here  too — it  is  a  Base  I  am 
doing  this  sentence  about — we  have 
our  problems. 

To  begin  with  there  is  the  glorious 
uncertainty  of  things.  Some  men  are 
here  to-day  and  the  far  side  of  Wipers 
to-morrow  night.  Others  arrive  from 
Kngland  thirsting  for  all  sorts  of  things 
that  no  sane  man  ever  wants  to  have  any- 
thing to  do  with,  and  are  kept  doing  a 
bomb  course  and  a  machine-gun  course 
on  alternate  days  for  eight  months. 
There  is  a  tale  told  of  one  such  who, 
when  lie  was  finally  sent  to  the  trenches, 
was  returned  as  hopeless  after  three 
days  because  he  would  do  nothing 
except  sit  beside  a  machine  gun  trying 
to  fill  the  belt  with  grenades.  There  is 
no  sadder  story  in  the  War. 

Now  if  I  knew  for  certain  that  I  was 
going  to  bo  here  eight  months  I  could 
marry  and  settle  down.  Or  if  I  knew 
for  certain  I  was  for  Wipers  to-morrow 


night  I  could  make  a  new  will — not 
that  there 's  anything  the  matter  with 
the  old  one,  but  I  met  a  man  on  leave 
who  put  me  up  to  some  good  tips  in 
will-making — and  settle  up.  But  as  it 
is  part  of  our  military  system  for  junior 
officers  not  to  know  anything  I  dare 
not  even  have  my  letters  forwarded. 

Anyhow,  Bases  are  not  what  they 
were  in  my  young  days.  Of  course  there 
were  always  parades ;  but  you  obvi- 
ously couldn't  parade  while  you  were 
busy  over  some  Alternative  Necessary 
Duty.  Alternative  Necessary  Duties 
were  always  my  strongest  suit.  On 
tho  evening  of  my  arrival  in  camp  I 
would  summon  the  Band  Sergeant  and 
provide  him  with  my  programme  of 
work.  On  Monday  he  would  please 
arrange  for  a  criminal  in  my  detail. 
On  Tuesday  I  would  use  my  influence 
in  the  matter  of  obtaining  clothing  for 
my  detail.  This  would  be  a  very 
laborious  task,  involving  three  signa- 
tures in  ink  or  indelible  pencil ;  but  no 
matter,  to  a  good  officer  the  comfort  of 
his  men  comes  before  everything.  On 
Wednesday  I  would  pay  my  men. 
Rotten  job,  paying  out,  but  ensures 
Generous  Glow,  and  no  expense  unless 
you  lose  the  Acquittance  Roll.  On 


OR   Till-]   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[.JANUARY  19,  1916. 


Tlmrs:l:iy  I  would  read  Standing  Orders 

to  t!io  latest  arrive  1  dnif:  ;  maybe  they 
lurl  had  tliis  done  to  thorn  once  alreu  ly, 
but  one  cannot  bo  too  particular.  A 
private  I  know  of  who  had  only  had 
'ling  Orders  road  to  him  once  got 
in!o  awful  trouble  through  caralesslv 
kicking  a  recalcitrant  corporal  on  the 
luud.  That  just  shows  you.  On  Fri- 
day— but  I  weary  you,  if  that  be 
possible.  Suflice  it  that  the  Base 
went  very  \\vll  then. 

Tlie  trouble  began,  as  usual,  high 
up.  The  G.O.  Commanding  something 
most  frightfully  important  inspected 
one  of  our  parades  one  moi'ning  and 
found  7.52S  other  ranks  under  one 
Second-Lieutenant.  All  might  have 
been  well  if  the  Second-Lieutenant  had 
not  forgotten  to  fire  the  correct  salute 
of  fourteen  bombs  (or  whatever  wa-;  the 
correct  salute).  The  G.O.C.  investi- 
gated. He  searched  the  woods  and 
delved  in  the  instructional  trenches, 
but  never  another  officer  came  to  light. 
So  he  went  home  and,  after  a  bad 
lunch — we  surmise — set  himself  to 
abolish  Alternative  Necessary  Duties 
in  a  formal  edict.  No  officer  is  to 
absent  himself  from  a  parade  except 
by  the  express  orders  of  an  O.C.  Base 
Depot. 

This  happened  several  days  ago,  and 
the  ruling  is  probably  obsolete  by  now, 
but  I  am  wondering  how  I  shall  break 
the  news  to  the  G.O.C.  if  I  should 
happen  to  meet  him  on  one  of  my 
morning  walks  into  town ;  and  in  my 
heart  of  heart  I  know  that  one  fine 
morning  I  shall  be  cowardly,  and  wake 
before  nine,  and  attend  my  first  parade 
at  army  Base.  Some  zealous  despatch 
rider  will  dash  hot-foot  to  the  G.O.C. 
with  the  news,  and  he  will  come  and 
rub  his  hands  and  chuckle  and  gloat. 
It  will  ba  a  Black  Day. 

Here  too  there  are  minor  points  of 
etiquette  that  vex  on3.  Is  it  correct 
for  me,  having  bought  half  a  kilo  of 
chocolates  while  waiting  for  a  train,  to 
kill  further  time  by  eating  them  out  of 
a  paper  bag  under  the  surveillance  of 
an  A.S.C.  sergeant  ?  or  ought  I  to  offer 
a  few  to  the  sergeant  with  some  jeu 
d' esprit — never  coarse  and  never  cruel 
— about  bully  beef  ?  Of  such  are  the 
complexities  with  which  a  Base  harasses 
the  soul  of  an  officer  nurtured  in  the 
genial  simplicity  of  trench  life. 


From  an  account  of  the  Peace  de- 
monstration in  Berlin  :  —  • 


"  The  people  simply  turned  up  t, 
and  everyone  was  highly  turned  up  them- 
selves, and  everyone  was  highly  pleased  with 
the  re-suit."  —  Egyptian  M/til. 

It   seems    to    have   been   a    complete 
revolution. 


LITERARY    LISPING3. 

THE  "motive"  of  Mrs.  Pumtrey  Lord's 
new  novel  is  Christian  Science,  and 
the  hero,  the  Duke  of  Southminster,  is 
understood  to  be  a  composite  portrait  of 
Lord  ROSKHERY  and  Mr.  GLADSTONE. 
The  character  of  the  evil  genius  of  the 
plot,  Lord  Eufus  Doldrum,  is  partly 
modelled  on  ALCIBIADES,  but  in  its  main 
lines  is  reminiscent  of  Mrs.  EDDY 
and  Major  WINSTON  CHURCHILL.  On 
the  other  hand  the  eccentric  Lord 
Wymondham,  who  creates  a  sensation 
by  appearing  at  a  Cabinet  meeting  in 
accordion-pleated  pyjamas,  is  under- 
stood to  be  an  entirely  imaginary  per- 
sonage. The  novel,  which  has  been 
running  in  Wanamaker's  Weekly,  will 
shortly  ba  published  by  the  Strongmans. 

A  POET  WHO  COUNTS. 
Mr.  Ouseley  Pampfield,  who  has 
been  recuperating  at  Buxton  after 
spraining  his  ankle  while  getting  out 
of  his  magnificent  motor,  is  now  seeing 
his  new  volume  of  poems  through  the 
press.  Under  the  arresting  title  of 
The  Soul  of  a  Passivist  they  will 
shortly  be  published  by  the  firm  of 
Coddler  and  Slack. 

THE  JIMMISONS  AGAIN. 
The  Long  Lanes  will  shortly  publish 
a  ne%v  "  Jimmison  "  novel,  The  Faitota. 
The  heroine  is  a  young  lady  enamoured 
of  the  doctrine  of  the  economic  inde- 
pendence of  women.  _  She  enters  a 
Draper's  Emporium  in  Manchester 
and  works  her  way  up  to  the  post  of 
manager,  but  heads  a  strike  of  the 
work-girls.  The  claims  of  romance, 
however,  are  not  overlooked,  for  in  the 
long  run  Hetta  Carboy — for  that  is  her 
charming  name — wins  the  hand  and 
heart  of  the  junior  partner's  chauffeur, 
who  turns  out  to  be  son  of  the  Earl 
of  Ancoats.  The  scene  in  which  the 
Rolls-Royce,  frightened  by  the  sight 
of  some  Highland  qattle,  executes  a 
cross-cut  counter-rocking  skid,  is  one 
of  the  finest  things  the  Jimmisons  have 
ever  done. 

ARMAGEDDON  IN  THE  MAKING. 
Governesses,  so  long  the  butt  of  un- 
kindly satire,  have  at  last  come  by 
their  own.  Miss  Bertha  Bowlong,  who 
was  governess  to  the  KAISER  in  the 
late  "  sixties,"  is  shortly  about  to 
publish  her  reminiscences  of  her  now 
ail-too- notorious  pupil.  Strange  to  say 
it  never  occurred  to  her  to  set  them 
down  till  quite  recently,  nearly  fifty 
years  after  the  event.  The  book,  which 
is  now  announced  by  the  Talboys,  is 
rich  in  illuminating  anecdotes  of  the 
future  WAR  LORD,  as  well  as  vivid 
portraits  of  MOLTKE,  BISMARCK,  TREIT- 
SCHKE,  HUNCHHAUSEN,  Eulenspiegel, 


Dudelsack    and    other    luminaries    of 
the  Prussian  capital. 

THE  CHARM  OP  CANNIBALISM. 

.Miss  Ermyntrude  Stuggy  (Mrs.  Ray- 
mond Blott),  whose  extraordinary  novel, 
The  Lurid  Lady,  was  described  by 
Father  BERNARD  VAUGHAN  as  the 
most  "precipitous"  book  he  had  ever 
preached  on,  has  returned  to  England 
after  two  years'  residence  among  the 
cannibals  of  the  Solomon  Islands. 
Henca  the  title  of  her  forthcoming 
volume,  The  Adorable  Anthropophagi, 
which  is  already  announced  by  Messrs. 
Hybrow  and  Garbidge.  The  contents 
explain  why  Mr.  Blott  has  heroically 
preferred  to  remain  with  the  cannibals. 

MATOB  FINCH'S  GREAT  DISCOVERY. 

Major  Hector  Finch,  the  famous 
Nationalist  M.P.,  philosopher,  psycho- 
logist and  scholar,  has  made  a  remark- 
able literary  discovery.  It  is  that 
Johnson's  Dictionary  is  not,  as  is 
generally  supposed,  the  work  of  BEN 
JONSON,  but  of  SAMUEL  JOHNSON,  the 
son  of  a  Lichfield  bookseller.  This 
epoch-making  revelation,  briefly  and 
modestly  outlined  in  a  letter  to  The 
Daily  Chronicle,  will  be  set  forth  in 
detail  in  a  massive  volume  of  1,000 
pages,  with  a  portrait  of  the  author,  to 
be  issued  shortly  by  the  House  of 
Swallow  and  Gull. 

ODDS  AND  ENDS. 

The  Vegetarians,  a  novel  with  a 
strong  dietetic  interest  by  Janet  Melinda 
Didham,  is  announced  by  the  firm  of 
Gherkin  Mark. 

The  Molly  Monologues  is  the  alluring 
title  of  a  volume  of  sketches  by 
Richard  Turpin,  shortly  appearing  with 
Pincher  and  Steel. 

Miss  Loofah  Windsor,  who  wrote 
The  Washpot,  a  successful  story  of  last 
summer,  has  just  finished  a  new  one  of 
a  humorous  type,  called  What — no 
Soap  ?  which  the  Dinwiddies  will 
publish  in  a  month  or  two. 


'  '  A  few  lucky  corps  actually  had  geese  to 
pave  the  way  for  the  Christmas  pudding; 
they  were  quartered  in  some  place  where  a 
whip  round  among  the  officers  and  a  ride  to 
the  nearest  town  or  village  secured  enough 
geese  to  feed  a  battalion." 

Jersey  Morning 


Somehow  we  feel  that  this  might  have 
been  more  tactfully  expressed. 


"  Mr.  Dillon  harangued  the  House  for  three- 
quarters  of  an  hour  on  militarism,  The  Dctini 
Mall,  Suvla  BaBy,  and  sundry  other  topics." 

Daily  Mail. 

An  extended  report  of  his  remarks  on 
this  interesting  infant  would  have  been 
welcome. 


19,    J!Mi;.| 


PUNCH, 


OB 


TIIK    LONDON   CIIAKIVAIM. 


ON    THE    CARDS. 

To   many  people   wholly   free    from 

superstition,  e\ci  pt   tli.it,  after  spilling 

alt,    the\    are  cat  i  ful    to  throw   a 

liuli-  over  the  lelt  shoulder,  mid  do  not 

•;t    of    their    way    to    v.ulk    under 

ladders,  and  lire  not   impr.  ivcd  in 

tite    hy    silling    thirteen    nt    lablf,    and 

much   prefer  that   may  should  not    lie 

hi     into     the     house       to     tl'.es." 

people,  <  thorwise  so  free  from  supers!  i- 

tion,  it  would  perhaps  lie  surprising  to 

know    -what    great    iumd)ers    of    their 

fel!<m  creatures    resort,    daily    lo    such 

black    arts    as    fortune -telling    by   the 

cards. 

^  e!  quite  respectable,  God-fearing, 
church -iming  old  ladies,  and  probably 
old  gent  lemon  too,  treasure  this  practice, 
to  say  nothing  of  younger  and  there- 
:i  I  in  ally  more  frivolous  folk;  and 
many  make  the  consultation  of  the 
t\vo  and  fifty  oracles  a  morning  habit. 

And  particularly  women.  Those  well- 
thumbed  packs  of  cards  that  wo  know 
so  well  are  not  wholly  dedicated  to 
"  Patience,"  I  can  a-isr.re  you. 

All  want  to  be  told  the  same  tiling: 
\\hat  the  day  will  bring  forth.  But 
each  searcher  into  the  dim  and  danger- 
ous future  lias,  of  course,  individual 
methods  some,  shuttling  seven  times 
and  some  ten,  and  so  forth,  and  all 
intent  upon  placating  the  elfish  god- 
Caprice.  There  is  little  Miss 
Banks,  lor  example,  hut  I  must  tell 
you  about  her. 

Nothing  would  induce  little  Miss 
Hanks  In  leave  the  house  in  the  morning 
without  seeing  what  the  card-;  promised 
her,  and  so  open  and  impressionable 
are  her  mind  and  heart  that  she  is  still 
interested  iii  t  he  colour  of  the  romantic 
fellow  whom  the  day,  if  kind,  is  to  fling 
across  her  path.  The  cards,  as  you 
know,  are  great  on  colours,  all  men 
being  divided  into  three  groups  :  dark 
(which  has  the  preference),  fair,  and 
middling.  Similarly  for  you,  if  you  can 
get  little  .Miss  Banks  to  read  your  fate 
(but  you  must  of  course  shuttle  the 
pack  yourself)  there  are  but  three  kinds 
of  charmers :  dark  (again  the  most 
•ating  and  to  be  desired),  fair,  and 
middling. 

It  is  great  fun  to  watch  little  Miss 
Banks  at  her  necromancy.  She  takes 
it  so  earnestly,  literally  wrenching  the 
future's  secrets  from  their  lair. 

"A  let  t  or  is  coming  to  you  from  some 
one,"  she  says.  "  An  important  letter." 

And  again,  "  I  see  a  voyage  over 
water." 

Or  very  seriously,  "  There 's  a  death." 

You  ga--p. 

"  No,  it's  not  yours.   A  fair  woman's." 
You  laugh.    "  Only  a  fair  woman's  !  " 
you  say.    "Go  on." 


Tommy  (dictating  letter  lo  be  sent  lo  his  wife).    "TiiE   XUBSES  HEKE  ARE   A   VKUV 

I'LAIX   LOT " 

Nurse.  "On,  COME!     I  SAY!     THAT'S  NOT  VERY  POLITE  TO  us." 
Tommy.  "NtvEii  MIND,  NUUSK,  PUT  IT  DOWN.     IT'LL  PLEASE  HEU!" 


But  the  cards  have  not  only  ambigui- 
ties, but  strange  reticences. 

"  Oh,"  little  Miss  Banks  will  say,  her 
eyes  large  with  excitement,  "  there  's  a 
payment  of  money  and  a  dark  man." 

"  Good,"  you  say. 

"But  I  can't  tell,"  she  goes  on, 
"whether  you  pay  it  to  him  or  he  pays 
it  to  you." 

"  That 's  a  nice  state  of  things," 
you  say,  becoming  indignant.  "  Surely 
you  can  tell." 

"  No,  I  can't." 

You  begin  to  go  over  your  dark 
acquaintances  who  might  owe  you 
money,  and  can  think  of  none. 

You  then  think  of  your  dark  acquaint- 


ances to  whom  you  owe  money,  and 
are  horrified  at  their  number. 

"Qh,  well,"  you  say,  "the  whole 
thing's  rubbish,  anyway." 

Little  Miss  Banks's  eyes  dilate  with 
pained  astonishment.  "  Eubbish  !  " — 
and  she  begins  to  shuffle  again. 


From  "  Notes  for  the  Use  of  New- 
Chaplains,"  by  an  Indian  Archdeacon: 

"  I  have  only  given  advice  on  mutters  where, 
to  my  own  knowledge,  an  ignorance  of  pro- 
cedure has  led  to  adverse  criticism  with  regard 
to  breeches  of  etiquette." 

Somebody  seems  to  have  been  making 
fun  of  the  venerable  gentleman's  con- 
tinuations. 


,  OR   TJIK    LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[.IANUAHY  19,  191G. 


UNWRITTEN    LETTERS    TO    THE    KAISER. 

No.  XXXIII. 

(Fi-om  Tni:oDoiU'.  ROOSEVELT,  U.S.A.) 
IT'S  bully  to  live  in  a  country  where  you  can  say  what 
you  like  about  the  bosses,  and  that,  Sir,  is  what  I've  been 
doing  and  mean  to  go  on  doing  to  you.  There  '&  no 
manner  of  question  about  it,  you  're  the  biggest  boss  and 
the  most  dangerous  that  we  in  this  country  have  ever  come 
up  against,  and  if  our  Government  had  only  got  a  right 
idea  of  its  bounden  duty  we  should  have  protested  against 
your  conduct,  yes,  and  backed  our  protest  by  our  deeds 
long  before  this ;  but  the  fact  is  there's  too  much  milk  and 
water  in  the  blood  of  some  of  our  big  fellows.  They  whine 
when  they  ought  to  be  up  and  denouncing,  and  they  crouch 
and  crawl  instead  of  standing  upright  like  free  and  fearless 
men,  and  giving  the  devil's  agent  the  straightest  eye-puncher 
of  which  the  human  arm  is  capable.  I  thank  Heaven,  Sir, 
that  I  "m  not  made  on  that  plan.  I  'm  out  to  fight  humbug 
and  hypocrisy,  even  when  they  masquerade  as  friendship 
and  benevolence ;  and  when  I  see  a  fellow  coming  along 
witli  hundreds  of  pious  texts  in  his  mouth,  and  his  hands 
dripping  with  the  blood  of  innocent  women  and  children, 
why,  I  've  got  to  say  what  I  think  of  him  or  die.  For  my 
own  part — 

"  On  Bible  stilts  I  don't  affect  to  stalk, 
Nor  lard  with  Scripture  my  familiar  talk ; 
For  man  may  pious  texts  repeat 
And  yet  religion  have  no  inward  seat." 

A  man  called  HOOD  wrote  that  nearly  eighty  years  ago,  but 
it 's  quite  true  still.  I  wonder  what  he  would  have  written 
if  he'd  had  the  bad  luck  to  know  about  you  and  your  dis- 
gusting appeals  to  the  Almighty,  whom  you  treat  as  if  He 
were  always  waiting  round  the  corner  to  be  decorated  with 
the  Iron  Cross. 

Now  mind,  I  don't  want  you  to  deceive  yourself.  If  I 
dislike  you  and  feel  as  if  I  'd  sooner  kick  you  than  shake 
hands  with  you,  it  isn't  because  I  'm  a  peace-at-any-price 
man.  No  man  can  say  that  about  me  without  qualifying 
for  a  place  within  easy  reach  of  ANANIAS  ;  but  when  I 
decide  to  take  part  in  a  scrap— and  there's  few  scraps 
going  that  I  don't  butt  into  sooner  or  later — I  like  to  feel 
that  I  've  got  a  bit  of  right  on  my  side.  But  how  can  you 
feel  that  when  you  over-run  Belgium  and  burn  down 
Louvain — that 's  the  place  that  made  your  heart  bleed, 
bah ! — and  when  you  shoot  down  Belgian  hostages  and  do 
to  death  an  English  nurse  ?  All  that  never  seems  to  strike 
you.  You  go  on  thinking  of  yourself  as  a  holy  humble 
man  whom  everybody  wilfully  mistakes  for  a  bully  and  a 
tyrant.  Well,  you  can't  fool  everybody  all  the  time,  you 
know,  and  in  this  case  it  happens  that  everybody  has  got 
some  sound  horse-sense  in  his  head.  Who  wanted  to  hurt 
you  ?  You  'd  put  together  a  great  army  and  your  commer- 
cial prosperity  was  a  pretty  good  business  proposition. 
You  'd  got  a  navy  and  you  'd  got  a  very  meek  and  sub- 
missive people,  which  didn't  prevent  them  from  being 
harsh  and  domineering  and  cruel  so  far  as  other  peoples 
ware  concerned.  If  you  wanted  to  have  folk  afraid  of  you 
there  were  plenty  to  humour  you  by  pretending  to  tremble 
when  you  frowned  and  shook  your  head.  But  you  weren't 
going  to  be  satisfied.  You  must  have  a  war  so  as  to  show 
what  a  great  general  you  were,  and  you  shoved  on  the  old 
man  FDAXCIS  JOSEPH  and  kept  urging  him  from  behind 
until  everyone  got  tired  by  the  impossibility  of  making  you 
come  out  fair  and  square  on  the  side  of  peace. 

Well,  you  've  got  your  war,  and  I  hope  you  like  it.  This 
isn't  one  of  your  military  promenades.  This  is  hard,  long 
fighting  against  men  whose  only  wish  was  to  be  left  alone. 
You  've  forced  them  to  form  a  trust  for  the  purpose  of  trust- 


busting,  and  in  the  end  they  '11  wear  you  out  and  have  you 
beaten,  to  a  frazzle  in  spite  of  all  you  can  do.  You  've  lost 
millions  of  men  and  millions  of  money,  and  you  don't  seem 
to  got  on  with  your  final  and  decisive  victory,  and  you  'r$ 
still  the  vainest  and  the  loudest  man  on  earth.  Isn't  it? 
just  about  time  you  saw  yourself  as  the  rest  of  us  see  you, 
an  irritable  lime-light  hero,  whose  favourite  effort  is  to  sink 
a  Lnsitania  and  pretend  he  had  to  do  it  because  he  didn't 
think  she'd  go  down  or  because  there  wore  too  many 
women  and  just  enough  children  in  the  world  ?  All  I  can 
say  is  that  I  've  had  more  than  enough  of  you. 

THEODOKE  ROOSEVELT. 


BEYOND   THE  LIMIT. 

[The   German  General   Staff   declares   that  for   air-warfare    there 
are  still  lacking  international  laws  of  any  Idml. 

WHEN  Peace  lured  the  Powers  to  her  House  at  the  Hague 

With  promises  specious  and  welcome  though  vague 

Of  a  time  when  the  terrors  of  war  should  lie  hid 

And  the  leopard  fall  headlong  in  love  with  the  kid, 

She  drew  up  a  set  of  Utopian  rules 

For  the  guidance  of  all  the  best  bellicose  schools. 

Among  the  more  notable  schemes  that  she  planned 
She  fashioned  them  bounds  to  their  methods  on  land, 
Taught  the  whole  of  them,  too,  how  humane  they  could  bo 
If  a  scrap  should  occur,  as  it  might,  on  the  sea — 
In  a  word,  pruned  the  pinions  of  war  everywhere 
Save  the  one  place  that  war  could  fly  into — the  air. 

But  the  Hun,  he  forswore  what  he  vowed  at  her  shrine, 
And  behaved  like  a  fiend  on  the  soil  and  the  brine ; 
Then  he  turned  to  his  Zepps,  and  remarked,  "  I  can  fly, 
And  she  never  laid  down  any  law  for  the  sky  ; 
Here  's  a  chance  for  some  real  dirty  work  to  be  done ;  " 
And  he  did  it  by  simply  out-Hunning  the  Hun. 


How  to  Save  Your  Teeth. 

From  the  Soldiers  and  Sailors  Dental  Aid  Fund  (43, 
Leicester  Square),  which  has  done  exceptional  service  during 
the  War,  comes  the  story  of  an  old  lady  who  applied  for  a 
set  of  teeth  for  her  soldier  grandson.  When  asked  if  he 
would  know  how  to  take  care  of  them,  she  replied  that 
she  would  give  him  the  benefit  of  her  own  experience, 
having  always  made  it  a  rule  to  remove  her  artificial  teeth 
at  meal  times.  

Two  cuttings  from  one  issue  of  The  Eiji/pliun  Mail : — 
"TREMENDOUS  INCREASE   IN  RECRUITING. 

ANOTHEE   1,000,000,000   MSN   WANTED." 

"  WANTED  proof-reader  for  the  Egyptian  Mail." 
It  certainly  does  want  one;   but  for  the  sake  of  the  gaiety 
of  nations  we  trust  it  won't  get  him. 


"  With  regard  to  the  expeditionary  force,  the  unexampled  heroism 
and  determination  of  our  troops  enabled  them  to  establish  a  foothold 
011  the  tip  of  the  peninsula,  but  photographs  confirm  the  reports  of 
eye-witnesses  that  they  were  literally  holding  on  by  their  eyelids  to 
the  positions  they  had  occupied." — Sunday  Times. 

And   the   subsequent    abandonment    was    performed   like 
winking. 

From  a  draper's  notice: — 

"On  Friday  and  Saturday  the  shops  will  be  open  until  the  usual 
hours,  although  lights  will  not  be  visible  outside.  Customers  are 
requested  to  open  the  doors  to  obtain  admittance." 

Jlugby  Advertiser. 

And  not  to  climb  through  the  windows,  or  come  down  the 
chimney,  please. 


JANUABX  10, 


IT.NCll.   oi;    TIIK    LONDON    < 'II  AIM  VA  l,'l. 


TOUJOURS    LA    POLITESSE. 

British  Officer  (in  his  best  French).  "  ETES-VOUS  UN  FUMIEB,  MoxsiKun  ?  ' 
French  ditto  (iritk  mil;/  inninentary  hesitation).  "  MAIS  ocr,  MONSIKUB." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
I  FORGET  just  ho\v  long  it  is  since  Mr.  ARNOLD  BEXXETT 
united  i'.iiicin  Clayhanger  and  Hilda  Lessways  in  the 
honds  iif  niiii  rimony.  Time  goes  so  fast  these  days  that  ] 
mi-]  them  again,  aii'l  Auntie  H<nnpx,  and  Muiiyic.,  and 
Cluni,  and  the  rest  of  the  Three  Towns  company,  as  aftei 
an  enormous  interval.  They  themselves  however  have 
>il  in  nothing,  except  perhaps  that  the  habit  of 
int inspection  and  their  phenomenal  capacity  for  self- 
•tonishment  have  become  more  pronounced.  "Ho  thought, 
1  I  am  I  ;  this  wife  is  my  wife;  and  if  I  put  one  foot  befoi'e 
the  other  I  shall  go  inevitably  forward.'  And  it  seemed  to 
him  stupendous."  I  do  not  say  that  this  is  a  quotation, 
but  it  represents  a  habit  of  mind  that  is  in  danger  of 
growing,  upon  J-'./l/ri/i  especially.  He  seems  never  able  to 
share  m\  own  entire  confidence  in  Mr.  BEXXETT' s  efficiency 
as  creator.  Of  course  nothing  very  much  happens  in  the 
course  of  Them'  Twain  (Mirnu'Kx).  It  is  simply  a  study 
of  conjugal  existence  in  its  effect  upon  character;  briefly. 
how  to  ho  happy  though  married.  In  the  end  Kiltrhi 
to  hit  upon  a  sort  of  solution  with  the  discovery 
that  injustice  is  a  natural  condition  to  be  accepted  rather 
than  resented.  So  one  leaves  the  two  with  some  prospect, 
a  liiile  insecure,  of  happiness.  Needless  to  say  the  study 
of  hoih  l-'.ilicin  and  Hilda  is  marvellously  penetrating  and 
minute,  almost  to  the  point  of  defeating  its  own  end.  I 
had,  not  for  the  first  time  with  Mr.  BKNNKTT'S  characters, 
a  feeling  that  1  knew  them  too  well  to  have  complete  belief 


in  them.  They  become  not  portraits  but  anatomical 
diagrams.  But  for  all  that  the  accuracy  of  his  observation 
is  undeniable.  One  sees  it  in  those  minor  personalities  of 
the  tale  whom  he  is  content  to  record  from  without. 
Auntie  llamps,  for  example,  and  Clara  are  two  masterpieces 
of  portraiture.  You  must  read  These  Twain  ;  but  if  possible 
take  time  over  it. 

American  improvements  are  the  wonder  of  the  world- 
America  seems  to  have  the  knack  of  taking  hold  of  old 
stun"  and  turning  it  into  something  full  of  pep  and  punch. 
You  remember  a  play  called  Hamlet'.'  No?  Well,  there 
is  a  scene  in  it,  rather  an  impressive  scene,  where  a  man 
chats  with  his  father's  ghost.  Mr.  ROBERT  W.  CHAMBERS, 
America's  brightest  novelist,  has  taken  much  the  same 
idea  and  put  a  bit  of  zip  in  it.  In  his  latest  work,  Athalie 
(APPLETOX),  the  heroine,  who  is  clairvoyant,  sees  the  ghost 
of  the  hero's  mother,  who  prevented  the  hero  from  marry- 
ing her,  and  cuts  it.  "A  hot  proud  colour  flared  in  her 
ks  as  she  drew  quietly  aside  and  stood  with  averted 
head  to  let  her  pass."  In  all  my  researches  in  modern 
fiction  I  cannot  recall  a  more  dramatic  and  satisfying 
situation.  It  is,  I  believe,  the  first  instance  on  record  of  a 
spectie  being  snubbed.  SHAKSPEAHE  never  thought  of  any- 
thing like  that.  As  regards  the  other  aspects  of  Athahe, 
the  book,  I  cannot  see  what  else  a  reviewer  can  say  but 
that  it  is  written  by  Mr.  CHAMBERS.  The  world  is  divided 
into  those  who  read  every  line  Mr.  CHAMBERS  writes,  irre- 
spective of  its  merits,  and  those  who  would  require  to  be 
handsomely  paid  before  reading  a  paragraph  by  him.  A 


CO 


JTNCH.   OH   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY    19,    1916. 


COMPTON  MAC- 


millioii  eager  shop-girls,  school-girls,  chorus-girls,  factory- 
girls  and  stenographers  throughout  America  are  probably 
devouring  Athalie  at  this  moment.  My  personal  opinion 
that  the  book  is  a  potboiler,  turned  out  on  a  definite 
formula,  like  all  of  Mr.  CHAMBERS'  recent  work,  to  meet  a 
definite  demand,  cannot  deter  a  single  one  of  them  from 
sobbing  over  it.  As  for  that  section  of  the  public  which 
remembers  The  King  in  Yellow  and  Cardigan,  it  has  long 
ago  become  resigned  to  Mr.  CHAMBERS'  decision  to  take  the 
cash  and  let  the  credit  go,  and  has  ceased  to  hope  for  a 
return  on  his  part  to  the  artistic  work  of  his  earlier  period, 
when  he  wrote  novels  as  opposed  to  Best  Sellers. 

Let  me  heartily  commend  to  you  a  book  of  stories  by 
doughty  penmen  turned  swordsmen  for  the  period  of  the 
\Ynr  A.  E.  W.  MASON,  of  the  Manchester  Eegiment ; 
A.  A.  M.,  of  the  Royal  "Warwicks ;  W.  B.  MAXWELL,  Royal 
Fusilier;  IAN  HAY,  A.  and  S.  Highlander  ; 
KENZIK,  R.N. ;  "Q.,"  of  the 
Duke  of  Cornwall's  L.I. ; 
OLIVER  ONIONS,  A.S.C.;  BARRY 
PAIN,  B.N.A.S. ;  and  just  short 
of  a  dozen  others.  Published 
by  Messrs.  HODDEB  AND 
STOUGHTON,  under  title,  The 
Bed  Cross  Story  Book,  to  be 
sold  for  the  benefit  of  The, 
Times  Fund.  It 's  the  sort  of 
book  about  which  even  the 
most  conscientious  reviewer 
feels  he  can  honestly  say 
nice  things  without  any  too 
thorough  examination  of  the 
contents.  "With  that  thought  I 
started  turning  over  the  pages 
casually,  but  found  myself  dip- 
ping deeper  and  deeper,  until, 
becoming  entirely  absorbed,  1 
abandoned  all  pretence  of  pro- 
fessional detachment  and  had 
a  thoroughly  good  time.  I 
should  like  to  be  able  to  state 
that  the  quality  of  these  stories 
of  humour,  adventure  and  sen- 
timent was  uniform,  if  only  for 


passages  all  the  same,  such  as  the  account  of  the  specially 
favourable  treatment  of  officers  from  Irish  regiments, 
accorded  in  all  Teutonic  seriousness  as  preparatory  to  an 
invitation  to  serve  in  the  ranks  of  Prussia ;  or  the  pathetic 
incident  of  the  white-haired  French  priest  sent  to  the  cells 
for  urging  his  congregation  to  pray  pour  nos  Ames.  No- 
where outside  the  Fatherland,  I  should  imagine,  would 
prisoners  be  forbidden  to  pray  even  pour  nos  armes,  and 
the  stupidity  of  the  misunderstanding  is  typical  enough. 
The  cheerful  dignity  shown  by  prisoners  under  provocation 
makes  a  fine  contrast  to  such  pitiful  smallness,  and  of  that 
this  little  book  is  a  notable  record. 


SEVERE  MENTAL  COLLAPSE  EXPERIENCED  BY  A  JOURNALIST 
WHO  ATTEMPTED  TO  WHITE  AN  ARTICLE  ON  THE  EAT  J'I.\(iVK 
IN  THE  TRENCHES  WITHOUT  MAKING  ANY  REFERENCE  TO  "THE 
PIED  PIPER  OP  HAMELIN." 


the  sake  of  this  appropriate  word.  But  1  can  say  that  the 
best  are  excellent,  the  average  is  high,  and  the  tenor  so 
varied  as  to  suit  almost  any  age  and  taste. 

Mr.  B.  G.  O'RoRKE,  Chaplain  to  the  Forces,  has  written 
a  short  account  of  his  experiences  in  confinement — In  The 
Hands  of  the  Enemy  (LONGMANS).  Seeing  that  he  was 
allowed,  as  a  minister  of  religion,  unique  opportunities  of 
meeting  our  officers  (though  not  men  of  the  ranks)  shut  up 
in  different  fortresses,  and  particularly  because  he  has  been 
thoughtful  enough  to  mention  many  of  them  by  name,  his 
narrative  is  one  which  nobody  with  near  friends  now  in 
Germany  can  afford  to  miss.  The  general  reader,  on  the 
other  hand,  may  have  to  confess  to  some  disappointment, 
since  the  foggy  shadow  of  the  Censor,  German  or  English, 
still  looms  over  the  pages  here  and  there,  blotting  out  the 
sensational  episodes  which  we  felt  we  had  reason,  if 
not  right,  to  expect ;  and  if  their  absence  is  really  due  to 
Mr.  O'RoBKE's  steady  refusal  to  indulge  us  by  embellishing 
his  almost  too  unvarnished  recital  the  effect  is  just  the  same. 
Or  perhaps  the  suggestion  of  flatness  is  to  1)3  ascribed  to 
the  enemy's  failure  on  the  whole  to  treat  certain  of  his 
victims  in  any  very  extraordinary  manner,  and  if  so  we 
can  accept  it  and  be  thankful.  There  are  lots  of  interesting 


I  suppose  it  would  not  be  possible  to  travel  in  the  Pacific 
withoXit  a  fountain-pen  and  a  note-book.  At  all  events  this 
seems  a  privation  from  which  the  staunchest  of  our  literary- 
adventurers  have  hitherto  shrunk.  Do  not  however  regard 
this  as  anything  more  than  a  casual  observation,  certainly 

not  as  implying  any  complaint 
against  so  agreeable  a  volume 
as  Vojiaijing  in  Wild  Seas 
(MILLS  AND  BOON).  There 
must  be  many  among  the 
countless  admirers  of  Mr.  JACK 
LONDON  who  will  be  delighted 
to  read  this  intimate  journal 
of  his  travellings  in  remote 
waters,  written  by  the  wife 
who  accompanied  him,  and 
who  is  herself,  as  she  proves 
on  many  pages,  one  of  the 
most  enthusiastic  of  those  ad- 
mirers. You  may  say  there  is 
nothing  very  much  in  it  all, 
but  just  some  pleasant  sea- 
prattle  about  interesting  ports 
and  persons,  and  a  number  of 
photographs  rather  more  inti- 
mate than  those  that  generally 
illustrate  the  published  travel- 
book.  But  the  general  impres- 
sion is  jolly.  Stevensoniaus 
will  be  especially  curious  over 
the  visit  to  Samoa,  concerning 
her  first  impressions  of  which 
Mrs.  LONDON  writes:  "As  the  Snark  slid  along,  we  began 
to  exclaim  at  the  magnificent  condition  of  this  German 
province — the  leagues  of  copra  plantation,  extending  from 
the  shore  up  into  the  mountainous  hinterland,  thousands 
of  close-crowded  acres  of  heavy  green  palms."  This  was 
in  May,  1908.  Vailima  was  at  that  time  the  residence  of 
the  German  Governor  (a  desecration  since  happily  re- 
moved) ;  but  the  LONDONS  were  able  to  explore  the  gardens 
and  peep  in  at  the  rooms  whose  planning  STEVENSON  had 
so  enjoyed.  Later  of  course  they  climbed  to  the  lonely 
mountain  grave  of  "  the  little  great  man" — a  phrase  oddly 
reminiscent  of  one  in  an  unpublished  letter  of  RUPERT  BROOKE 
(about  the  same  expedition)  that  I  had  just  been  reading. 
Mrs.  LONDON  deserves  our  thanks  for  letting  us  share  so 
interesting  a  holiday  in  these  restricted  days. 


IN    MEMORY    OF    "MARTIN    ROSS" 
(VIOLET  MARTIN). 

WITH  Flurry's  Hounds,  and  you  our  guide, 
We  've  learned  to  laugh  until  we  cried  ; 
Dear  MARTIN  Ross,  the  coming  years 
Find  all  our  laughter  lost  in  tears. 


JANI  \uv 


l'r\r||.   01;    TIIK    LONDON    ril.MMVAKI. 


6! 


CHARIVARIA. 

SOMI:  idea  of  the  financial   straits   in 
which    Knglish    people    lintl    them 

l)e  gathered  from  the  statement 
that  the  first  fon-'-tl  strawberries  ol 
tho  seiison  felt-lied  no  more  than  ten 
shillings  a  pound.  Thef  Jermans  proudly 
out  that  their  forced  loans  fetched 
more  than  that. 

It  is  estimate  I   tha'    S|:j,!)^ii  house- 

A    kindly    M.P.    has   suggested   that    holders  road  with  secret  joy   the   para- 
oiirderman   naval   prisoners  should  he    graph  in  last  week's  papers  stating  that 


poems    an  I    es-,ays   were   written    a'ni  I  teen    person.-,,    stripped    them    of    their 

the  pi                  iroundings  of  the   Board  clotliing,   robbed   them,   and   then   shot 

of  Tra  le,"   and   de,erib -d    him    as    "a  them    tleul.       There    is    some    talk    of 

-.ample  of  a  po  -t   rising  above  his  their  being  elerte  i   I  lonorary  ( iermans. 
environment."       Mr.    Kioirxn    (iossi:, 

who  was  a  colleague  of  Mr.  Donsos  a'  China  has  sent  a  trial   lot    of  small 

Whitehall    fiarde'is    during    his     most  hrouneoos    pael;.-d    in    sawdu>l   to  thi-, 

tuneful  period,  is  inclined  to  think  this  country,  and   it   is    thought   that    aftt- 


last  remark  uncalled  for. 


all  we  shall  he  aide  to  ha-.e  a  flem-ral 

I  !le--!ion. 


Too  Good  to  ba  Truo. 


..      .  ••Tin-  able  organisation    which    resulted  ill 

emplosed     in     making     tho     projected    spring-cleaning    is    likely    to    co-it    the  llrll  being  evacuated  with  just  as  complete 

Ship  canal  between  the  FirtllS  of  Forth    housekeeper     this     \ear      considerahl  nut   the  same  absence  of  loss  as  at 

ant,     Clyde.       At    present    they    sum,    mo,,  than  usual  h,,,h  for  materials  and  ^^fe^5^£e^£ 

terribly  from  a  form  ol  nostalgia  known    labour;  that  397,413  Of  them  repeated  vrindiog  up  of  thii  eol 

as  canal-sickness.                                          |  it  to  their  wives,  suggesting  that  here  ,nj  " 


Ouing  to  the  scarcity  of  hay  in  the 


Budapest  /.oo  the  herbivorous 

animals  arc  being  fed  on  chest  - 

nuts,  and  several  local  liumor- 

i tapers  have  been  obliged 

lo    s'lsp  i;id    milil  irvi  t  ion 


was  a  chance  for  a  real  war-economy  ; 
and  that  one  (a  deaf  in. in)  p/rsisted  in 


publication. 


* 


As  the  t  \vo  Polar  bears  re- 
fused to  flourish  on  a  war-diet 
they  were  col  i  del  lined  to  death, 
and  a  Hungarian  sportsman 
paiil  twelve  pounds  for  the 
privilege  of  shooting  them. 
No  arrangements  have  yet 
heen  concluded  for  finishing 
off  the  Russian  variety. 

:|:     * 

Old  saw,  adapted  hy  an 
American  journalist:  Call  no 
one  happy  until  he  is  HKAHST. 

* 
We  all  know  that  marriage 

is    a    lotler\.     But    the    Now 


From  an  article  by  Mr. .JOHN  I. \VI.AND 
on  his  visit  to  the  Fleet:  — 

"  One  would  like  to  describe  much 
more  than  one  has  seen,  but  that  is 
impossible." — Morning  1'aper. 

Some    other    Correspondents 
have  found  no  such  difficulty. 


•'  I,U>Y  SKCKKTAUV  Required,  for 
about  two  hours  early  every  morn- 
ing, by  lady  doctor  living  near  thr 
Marble  Arch;  rapid  shorthand 
tial  ;  preference  given  to  a  possessor 
of  healthy  teeth." 

.lilrt.  in  "  The  Tin:. 

It  looks  as  if  the  lady-secre- 
tary's luncheon  would  be  a 
tough  proposition. 


Zealand   paper   which  headed 


Private   Jones    (craicling   out   a 
explosion).  "  SILLY  'ORSE-PLAY,  i  CALLS  IT!" 


beimj   buried    by  a   she'l 


"  Our  Correspondent  endorses  the 
Hassian  official  claim  to  have  cap- 
tun-. 1  the  heights  north-east  of 

C/.cniowit/."— Mornimj 


Tho    Correspondent's    conde- 
scension is  no  doubt   greatly 


an    announcement  of    President  Wir.-   the  suggestion  after  his  wife  had  given  appreciated   by  our  Allies. 

SON'S  engagement,  "  Wild  Speculation, "    her  views  on  the  subject. 

\\  :  ,,  we  trust,  taking  an  unduly  gloomy                                   *,.*  Answer  to  a  correspondent:  — 

view.                            ...    ...                                               On  reading  that  London  people  spend  "•  KiKjnirer.'     It  is  pronounced  '  commun- 

on  an  average  seven  shillings  a  year  in  cak.'"— ••/•.Vnmiiir;-."  Launceston,  Tasmania. 


The     facl     that      the     PoSTMASTEB-    theatre-tickets,  a  manager  expressed  the 
(|F.NI:I;  '  i,    and    tho    ASSIST  AX  r    POST-   opinion  that  according  to  his  experience 
MAsTKK-flKNKKAi.  are  as    like    as   two ;  this   calculation    wa3   not    quite    fair. 
Pr.  \si:s  \\as  hound  to  cause  a   certain    Account  should  also  have  besn  taken 
amount    of  confusion.     Still  we  hardly   of  the  very  large  sum  which  they  ex- 
think    it    justified    a   Welsh   paper   in  :  pend  on  stamps  when  writing  for  fres 
placing  a  notice  of  their  achievements   admissions. 
under    the    heading:    "Pea   Soup   and 
Salt  Beef:   :)()()  Sailors  Poisoned." 


But  not  in  the  best  circles. 


It  is  evident  that  recent  events  have 


had  a  chastening  effect  upon  Bulgarian 


"MODERNISING  LAST  YEAR'S  SKIRT. 
Another  simple  and  practical  way  of  doing 
it  would  be,  if  the  skirt  is  quite  plain,  to  lift  it 
well  from  the  top,  and  sot  it  neatly  on  to  a 
hand,  so  making  tho  skirt  shorter  as  wvll  as 
fuller.  Kight  inchi1-  U  not  considered  too  short 
for  present  wear,  though  personally  I  think  six 
inches  a  more  graceful  length.  However,  do 
not  be  tempted  to  weir  a  very  short  skirt 
"„  unless  you  are  the  p  neaaoc  of  frail-duped 

In  the  endeavour  to  decide  autnon-  ambitions.      Alter  receiving    a    field-   f,,ct  ;llu{  Ankles."— The  tt'oman's  Majmine. 
tatively    \\hat    is    a    new-laid  egg    the    marshal's    b'lton     from     the     K.USKH,    But  wliat  aloout  knees? 
Board  of   Agriculture  has    sought    in-    KING  FKHIUXAXD  is  reported    to  have 
formation  from  various  sources,  hut  is    expressed  his  hope  that  by  co-operation 
reported   to   be  still  sitting.     There  is   their  countries   would  obtain  that   to  i 

some   fear   that    th:>  definition    will  bo    which  they  had  a  right.     The  KAISKH   since  last  night. "on  account  o'f  that  I  am  un- 
addled.  then  left  Nish  in  a  hurry.  ahle  to  attend  office  to-day.    Kindly  excuse  my 

4. 


A  Babu's  letter  of  excuse : — 

••Silt, — As   my    wife's   temper   is  not   well 


In  tenderingbirthdav  c   ngrat  illations 


From  El  Paso  (Texas)  comes  news 


•and  grant  mo  one  day's  causual  leave." 
In    the    circumstances    Caudle    leave 

to  Mr    \i  -i  IN  I  >or.s,'N  a  contemporary   thai  a  hand  of  Mexican  bandits  stopped   would  have   been    a   happier  form   of 
iio( -d  that  "  many  of  hismost  charming   a   train  near'Chicuabar,  sei/ed   seven-    holiday. 


G2 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY  26,  1916. 


HOW    TO    GET    UP    A    HOLY   WAR 

(GERMAN  STYLE). 

[The  Special  Correspondent  of  The  Times  at  Saloniea  states  that 
"among  the  documents  examined  at  the  Consulate  of  his  Catholic 
and  ApoctoUo  Majesty  ..f  Austria  are  1,500  copies  of  a  long  proclama- 
tion in  Arabic  to  the  Chiefs  of  the  Senussis,  inciting  them  to  a  Holy 
lum-CiiTiiiaiiio  C'hristendom."  The  proclamation  purports  to 
l.c  compo-.vl  hy  one  of  the  Faithful,  but  "its  pseudo-Oriental  wording 
clearly  k'trays  its  Cvrmanic  authorship."] 

IN  Allah's  name,  Senussis!    Allah's  name! 
Please  note  the  Holy  War  that  we  proclaim  ! 
High  at  the  main  we  hoist  our  sacred  banner 
(Forgive  my  pseudo- Oriental  manner)  ; 
For  now  tlio  psychologic  Tag  has  come 
To  put  the  final  lid  on  Christendom, 
Always  excepting  that  peculiar  part 
Which  has  the  hopes  of  Musulmans  at  heart. 
For  lo !   this  noble  race  (its  Chief  has  said  it ; 
Else  would  it  seem  almost  too  good  to  credit), 
Prompted  by  generous  instincts,  undertakes 
To  waive  its  scruples  and  for  your  sweet  sakes, 
Indifferent  to  private  gain  or  loss, 
To  help  the  Crescent  overthrow  the  Cross. 

Christians  they  are,  I  own,  this  Teuton  tribe, 
Yet  not  too  Christian.     I  could  here  inscribe 
A  tale  of  feats  performed  with  pious  hands 
On  those  who  crossed  their  path  in  Christian  lands 
Which,  even  where  Armenia  kissed  his  rod, 
Would  put  to  shame  The  Very  Shadow  of  God. 
You  must  not  therefore  feel  a  pained  surprise 
At  having  Christian  dogs  for  your  allies ; 
For  there  are  dogs  and  dogs;  and,  though  the  base 
Bull  terrier  irks  you,  'tis  a  different  case 
When  gentle  dachshunds  jump  to  your  embrace. 

If  crudely  you  remark :  "A  holy  win 
May  suit  our  friends,  but  where  do  we  come  in  ?  " 
My  answer  is  :   "  Apart  from  any  boom 
Islam  secures  by  sealing  England's  doom, 
We  shall,  if  we  survive  the  coming  clash, 
Collect  papyrus  notes  in  lieu  of  cash ; 
And,  if  we  perish,  as  we  may  indeed, 
We  have  a  goodly  future  guaranteed, 
With  houris  waiting  in  Valhalla's  pile  " 
(Pardon  my  pseudo-Oriental  style). 

These  are  the  joys,  of  which  I  give  the  gist, 
Secured  to  those  who  trust  the  KAISER'S  fist, 
Which  to  the  infidel  is  hard  as  nails 
Or  eagles'  claws  whereat  the  coney  quails, 
But  to  the  Faithful,  such  as  you,  Senussis, 
Is  softer  than  the  velvet  paws  of  pussies.       0.  S. 


From  a  story  in  The  Glasgoiv  Herald: — 
"  '  He  had  his  feathers  ruffled  that  time,  anyway,'  laughed  my 
husband,  as  he  followed  me  whistling  into  the  house." 

It  isn't  every  woman  that  has  a  husband  who  can  talk 
and  laugh  and  whistle  all  at  once.  Was  he  the  clever 
man  in  the  French  tale,  we  wonder,  who  chanted  a  Scottish 
air,  accompanying  himself  on  the  bag-pipes  ? 

"  Fire  has  broken  out  in  an  oven  in  Kafr  Zarb,  near  Suez,  completely 
destroying  the  fire  brigade  extinguishing  the  blaze." 

Egyptian  Mail. 
Serve  them  right  for  their  officiousness. 

"  Wanted,  Experienced  Ruler  (female) ;  permanency." 

Bristol  Times  and  Mirror. 
Might  suit  a  widow. 


NAUTICAL   TERMS    FOR    ALL. 

(By  our  Tame  Naval  Expert.) 

IT  is  really  surprising  what  confusion  exists  in  the  public 
mind  upon  the  exact  significance  of  such  elementary  terms 
as  "  Command  of  the  Sea,"  and  "  A  Fleet  in  Being."  Only 
yesterday  evening  I  was  asked  by  a  fellow-traveller  on  the 
top  of  a  bus  why,  if  we  had  command  of  the  sea,  we  didn't 
blow  up  the  Kiel  Canal ! 

It  will  be  as  well  to  begin  at  the  beginning.  What  is 
Naval  Warfare  ?  It  is  an  endeavour  by  sea-going  belligerent 
units,  impregnated  (for  the  time  being)  with  a  measure  of 
animus  pugnandi  and  furnished  with  offensive  weapons,  to 
impose  their  will  upon  one  another.  In  rather  more  techni- 
cal language  it  may  be  described  as  fighting  in  ships. 

Now  in  order  to  utilize  the  sea  for  one's  own  purposes 
and  at  the  same  time  to  deny,  proscribe,  refuse  and  restrict 
it  to  one's  enemy  it  is  essential  to  obtain  COMMAND.  And 
it  must  not  be  overlooked  that  Command  of  the  Sea  can 
only  be  established  in  one  way — by  utilizing  or  threatening 
to  utilize  sea-going  belligerent  units.  But  we  must  dis- 
tinguish between  Command  of  the  Sea  and  Sea  Supremacy, 
and  again  between  Potential  Command,  Putative  Command 
and  Absolute  Command.  Finally  let  there  be  no  confusion 
between  the  expressions  "  Command  of  the  Sea "  and 
"  Control  of  the  Sea,"  which  are  entirely  different  things 
— though  both  rest  securely  upon  the  doctrine  of  the 
Fleet  in  Being,  which  is  at  the  foundation  of  all  true 
strategy. 

This  brings  us  to  the  question  of  what  is  meant  by  the 
phrase  "  A  Fleet  in  Being."  "  To  Be  or  Not  to  Be  "  (in  Being) 
is  a  phrase  that  has  been  woefully  misinterpreted,  especially 
by  those  who  insist  on  a  distinction  between  Being  and 
Doing.  There  is  no  such  distinction  at  sea.  For  a  fleet 
to  exist  as  a  recognisable  instrument  is  not  necessarily  for 
it  to  be  in  Being.  Only  by  exhibiting  a  desire  to  dispute 
Command  at  all  costs  can  a  fleet  be  said  to  come  into 
Being.  On  the  other  hand,  by  being  in  Being  a  fleet  does  not 
necessarily  obtain  command  or  even  partial  control.  This 
is  not  simply  a  question  of  To  Bo  or  Not  to  Be  (in  Being). 

In  explaining  these  academic  principles  one  always  runs 
the  risk  of  being  confronted  with  concrete  instances.  I 
shall  be  asked,  "Is  the  German  Fleet  in  Being?"  I  can 
only  reply  that  it  is  in  a  condition  of  strictly  Limited 
Control  (I  refer  to  the  Kiel  Canal),  while  the  Baltic  is  in 
Disputed  Command  so  long  as  the  Russian  Fleet  is 
Strategically  at  Large. 

This  brings  us  to  the  question  of  the  phrase  "  Strategic- 
ally at  Large,"  which  has  been  loosely  rendered  "  On  the 
War-path."  Let  us  say  rather  that  any  fleet  (in  Being) 
which  is  ready  (even  without  Putative  Control)  to  dispute 
Command  is  said  to  be  Strategically  at  Large,  so  long  as  it 
is  imbued  with  animus  pugnandi. 

Animus  puijnantli  is  the  root  of  the  matter.  A  fleet  is 
in  a  state  of  disintegration  without  it.  And  so  long  as  tho 
German  Fleet's  activities  in  the  North  Sea  are  confined  to 
peeping  out  of  the  Canal  to  see  if  the  foe  is  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood one  must  conclude  that  this  ingredient  has  been 
overlooked  in  its  composition.  Bis. 


General  Utility. 

"INVALIDED  soldier  seeks  job;  domestic  and  lity.  factotum  in 
bachelor  menage,  or  musician,  lyrist,  dramatist,  etc. ;  house  work 
mornings,  lit.  asst.  afternoons,  evenings;  ex-officer's  servant;  fair 
cook ;  turned  60,  but  virile  and  active  ;  or  working  librarian,  clean- 
ing, etc. ;  theatrical  experience;  nominal  salary  if  permanent." 

Daily  Express. 

If  he  hadn't  called  himself  a  soldier  we  should  have  almost 
thought  he  was  a  handy-man. 


PUNCH,   OK   Till:    LONDON    CH.MM  VAIU.     .1  \M-\I.Y  -Jii,    I'.Hi;. 


PRO   PATEIA. 

A    TEIBUTE    TO    WOMAN'S    WORK    IN    WAR-TIME. 


JANT.UIY  20,   HUT,.] 


PUNCH,   Oil   T1IH    LONDON'    CIIAI!! VAIJf. 


Mistress.  "AND  WIIEKE  is  JA:;I:'.'" 

Parlourmaid.  "Iv  YOU  PLEASE,  MA'AM,  JANE  SAYS  SUE  CAN'T  COME  TO  FAMILY  PBVYEBS  ANY  MOBE  WHILE  WE  HAVE  MARGAUIN-R 

ix  Tin:  KITCHKX." 


THE   ROMANCE   OF    WAR. 

WE  relieved  the  Royal  What-you- 
call  -  'ems  under  depressing  circum- 
stances. Tlie  front  line  was  getting  it 
in  the  neck,  which  is  unfair  after  dark. 

As  I  reached  the  transport  dump  a 
platoon  met  me  led  by  a  Subaltern  of 
no  mean  dimensions.  He  was  convers- 
ing with  certain  ones  .seemingly  officer's 
sen  nuts,  wlui  were  drawing  a  hand- 
cart. He  grew  suddenly  excited,  then 
spoke  to  a  Senior  Officer,  turned,  left 
liis  platoon  and  ran  hack  at  the  double 
to  the  fire-trench. 

It  was  three -quarters  of  an  hour 
before  wo  drew  near  thai  unpleasant 
hem-no.  In  the  imitation  communica- 
tion trench,  which  began  a  hundred 
or  more  yards  behind  it,  we  met  the 
Subaltern,  hurrying  to  rejoin  his  pla- 
toon, heaving  what  seemed  to  be  an 
enormous  despatch  -  box.  He  said 
"  Good  night  "  very  politely. 

By  the  time  \\e  got  up  the  shelling 
had  slackened.  The  last  remaining 
ollicei-  of  the  Koyal  What-you-call-'ems 
stopped  to  pass  the  time  o'  night 
with  us. 

I  asked  him  if  he  knew  who  the 
Subaltern  might  ho,  and  what  object  of 
overwhelming  importance  ho  had  thus 
returned  to  retrieve. 


"  Yes,  that  was  Billy  Blank." 
"  And  what  was  it  he  was  carrying 
when  wo  met  him  ?  " 

"  A  sort  of  young  Saratoga  ?  " 
We  nodded.     Our  informant  seemed 
to  hesitate  a  moment. 

••  Well,"  he  said  at  last,  "  I  don't  see 
why  you  shouldn't  know,  though  it 's  a 
sort  of  battalion  secret — not  that  Billy 
would  inind  anyone  knowing.  It  'a  his 
love-letters." 

Vicarious  Prophylactics. 

"HOW  YOU  MAY  DODGE  THE  HORRIBLE 

1  GRIPPE.' 

Give  your  children  a  cold  shower  every 
morning." — Ottawa  Evening  Journal. 


"  At  the  time  when  Turubull  was  asking  for 
the  account,  and  flourishing  suggestions  as  to 
his  ability  to  pay,  there  was  in  the  prisoner's 
bank  the  sum  of  sixteen  pence." 

Newcastle  «MNMf  Chronicle. 


We  have  reason  to  believe  that  there 
was  also  an  odd  shilling  or  two  in  the 
hank  belonging  to  other  clie'nts. 


From  an  account  of  "  Calls  to  the 
Bar  in  Ireland  "  : — 

"  Mr.  —  -  was  awarded  the  Society's  Exhi- 
bition of  £21  per  annum  for  three  roars." 

Irish  Evening  1'apcr. 

He  seems  to  have  called  himself  to  the 
Bar. 


RAILWAY   LINKS. 

( )  SEMBLANCE  of  a  snail  grown  paralytic, 
Concerning  whom  your  victims  daily 

speak 
In  florid  language,  fearsome  and  me- 

phitic, 
Enough    to    redden    any    trooper's 

cheek : 

Let  them,  I  say,  hold  fortli  till  all  is 
blue  ; 

I  take  the  longer  view. 

Not  mine  it  is  to  curse  you  for  your 

tedium 

And  frequent  stops  in  search  of  way- 
side rest, 
Nor    call    you,   through   the   morning 

papers'  medium, 

A  crying  scandal  and  a  public  pest ; 
I  designate  you,  on  the  other  hand, 
A  bulwark  of  the  land. 

For  should  Hie  Huns,  in  final  despera- 
tion, 
On   our   South-Eastern   shore   dash 

madly  down, 
"Tis  true  they  might  entrain  at  Dover 

station, 
But    when,    ah,    when   would   they 

arrive  in  town  ? 

Or   would   they   perish,    hungry,   lost, 
and  spent, 

Somewhere  in  wildest  Kent  ? 


GO 

PI 

'NCI 

r, 

OR 

THE 

LONDON 

CIIARIVA 

RI. 

[JANUARY 

26, 

1916. 

It  was  on  the  eve  of  the  anniversary 

M  Y    LI  FE.  |  Of  the  battle  of  Cressy  that  I  first  drew 

r.<-!.-ii<nrleilijmf>ita  I"  Mr.  (i.  7?.  &::ms.j ;  breath  on  August  25th,  "  somewhere  " 


]>i:i\o    A    FEW    FORETASTES    OF   THE 
GREAT  KKAST  TO  FOLLOW. 

PEEKING  backward  into  the  gulf  of 
time  as  1  sit  in  my  grandfather's  chair 
and  listen  to  the  tick  of  my  grand- 
father's clock  1  see  a  smaller  but  more 
picturesque  London,  in  which  I  shot 
snipe  in  Battersea  Fields,  and  the  hoot 


in  the  Roaring  Forties.  The  date  was 
well  chosen,  for  my  maternal  grrat- 
great-grandfather  had  amassed  a  con- 
siderable fortune  by  the  manufacture 
of  mustard,  and  the  happy  collocation 


daughter  of  a  Spanish  Admiral,  made 
captain  at  the  time  of  the  Armada, 
Count  Guzman  Intimidad  Larranagfe 
The  daughter,  Pomposa  Seguidilla, 
came  to  England  to  share  her  father's 
imprisonment,  and  my  ancestor  fell  in 
love  with  her  and  married  her.  She 
was  a  vivacious  brunette  with  nobly 


was  destined  to  bear  conspicuous  fruit  •  chiselled   features   and    fine    Castilian 


in  after  years. 

Good  old  HERODOTUS,  my  favourite 


manners.     Their   son   Alonzo  married 
Mary  Lyto  of  Paddington,  so  that   I 


reading  in  my  school-days,  tells  us  how  ;  trace  my  descent  to  the  Lytes  of  Lon- 


of  the  owl  in  the  Green  Park  was  not  |  an  old-world  potentate,  in  order  to  dis-   don 
yet  drowned  by  the  hoot  of  the 
motor-car — a  London  of  chop- 
houses,  peg-top   trousers  and 
Dundreary  whiskers  .  .  . 

I  remember  the  Derby  of 
Caractacus  and  the  Oaks  of 
Boadicea.  Once  more  I  see 
"Eclipse  first  and  the  rest 
nowhere."  I  remember  "  OLD 
Q."  and  OLD  PARR,  ARNOLD  of 
Rugby  and  KEATE  of  Eton, 
CHARLES  LAMB  and  General 
WOLFE,  CHARLES  JAMES  Fox 
and  Mrs.  Leo  Hunter ;  the ' 
poets  BURNS  and  TENNYSON, 
the  latter  of  whom  gave  me 
my  name  of  "Dagonet." 

I  think  back  to  a  London  of 
trim-built  wherries  and  nan- 
keen pantaloons,  when  The 
Times  cost  as  much  as  a  dozen 
oysters,  which  everyone  then 
ate.  I  remember  backing  my- 
self in  my  humorous  way  to 
eat  sixty  "  seconds "  in  a 
minute  and  winning  the  bet. 

I  look  back  to  the  time  when 
BETTY,  the  infant  Roscius,  and 
GRIMALDI,  and  NELL  GWYNN 
and  COLLEY  GIBBER  and  ROB- 
SON  and  FECHTER  and  PEG 
WOFFINGTON  were  the  chief 
luminaries  of  the  histrionic 
firmament.  I  remember  the 
debuts  of  CATALANI  and  MALI- 
BRAN  and  PICCOLOMINI  and 
Broccolini  and  Giulio  Perkins. 

I  remember  the  opening  of 
the  Great  Exhibition  of  1851, 
the  erection  of  DHAYTON'S  "  Polyolbion,"  cover 


as   well   as 


to   the   grandees    of 
Spain.  .  .  .     Incredibly  also  I 

was  one  of  the  Hopes  of  En«- 

i      i  ° 

land. 

And  now,  when  London  has 
no  light  any  more,  I  take  pen 
in  hand  to  retrace  the  steps 
of  my  wonderful  journey 


through   the   a 
Klic/t  fmjaces  ! 


Ah 


me ! 


Tommy.  "  HOLD  HARD,  YOUNG  FELLEB.      You   SHOULDN'T 

BUTT  IN   LIKE   THAT — PLENTY   OF  BOOM   BEHIND." 

His  Girl.  "LEAVE   HIM  ALONE,  HABEY.     HE   THINKS  IT'S 

A  BECBUITINQ   OFFICE." 


which   was    the    most    ancient 


the  removal  of  the  Wembley  Tower,  and  language  in  the  world,  had  two  children 
the  fight  between  BELCHER  and  the  j  brought  up  in  strict  seclusion  by  dumb 
gas-man.  nurses,  with  the  result  that  the  first 

I  often  think  of  the  battles  of  Water-  word  they  uttered  was  "  Beck,"  the 
loo  and  Blenheim  and  Culloden  and  Phrygian  for  bread.  Strange  to  say  this 
Preston  Pans  and  Cannae.  I  often  was  not  my  first  linguistic  effort,  which 
think  of  next  Sunday  with  a  shudder,  was,  as  a  rr 

I  see  Count  D'OHSAY  careering  along  word  "  bop. 
Kensington  Gore  in  his  curricle  ;  Lord  Although  I  shall  probably  write  my 
MACAULAY  sauntering  homeward  to  autobiography  again  a  few  details 
Campden  Hill,  and  Lord  GEORGE  j  about  my  ancestry  are  pardonable  at 
SANGER  driving  home  to  East  Finchley  this  juncture. 


was,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  the  Romany 
11,*  * 

nrr\Tri    "  h/-\n 


behind  two  spanking  elephants. 

I   see    Jerusalem    and    Madagascar 
and  North  and  South  Amerikee  . 


My  great  -  great  -  great  -  great  -  grand- 
father was  a  robust  Devon  yeoman 
who  fought  with  DRAKE  in  the  Spanish 
main,  but  subsequently  married  the 


Among  my  early  reading 
nothing  made  so  much  im- 
pression on  me  as  Mrs. 
Glasse's  Cookery  Book,  and  I 
still  remember  the  roars  of 
laughter  that  went  up  when 
I  read  out  a  famous  sentence 
in  my  childish  way  :  "  First 
tatch  your  hair."  Those  words 
have  stuck  to  me  through  life 
and  have  had  a  deep  influence 
on  my  career.  Strange  how 
little  we  know  at  the  time 
which  are  our  vital  moments. 

I  remember  standing,  when 
still  only  of  tender  years, 
listening  to  Bow  bells  and 
vowing  that,  if  I  grew  up,  I 
would  so  reflect  my  life  in  my 
writings  that  no  experience 
however  trifling  should  be 
without  its  recording  para- 
graph. I  would  tell  all.  And 
I  am  proud  to  say  I  have  kept 
that  vow.  I  have  not  even 
concealed  from  my  readers 
the  names  of  the  hotels  I 
have  stayed  in,  and  if  I  have 
liked  the  watering-places  I  have  re- 
sisted every  temptation  not  to  say  so. 
Odd  how  childish  aspirations  can  be 
fulfilled ! 


"  A  Young  Country  Girl,  18,  wishes  a  situ- 
ation as  Housemaid  or  Betweenmaid  ;  never 
out  before;  wages  not  objected  to." 

Irish  Times. 

Very  nice  of  her  to  be  so  accommodating. 


"Col.  J.  W.  Wray  and  Mrs.  \Vray  enter- 
tained the  recruiting  staff,  numbering  £'21,  to 
tea  at  Brett's  Hall,  Guildford,  on  Thursday." 

Provincial  Paper. 
Sterling  fellows,  evidently. 


,lANl'\KY 


I'l'NCII.   OR    TIIH    LONDON    ril  AIMYAIM. 


G7 


( 


"Us   HAVE   HAD   A   LETTER   FllOM  OUR  JARGE.       HE 'VE    KILLED   THREE   GERMANS!" 

"I  HAIN'T  ZURPRISED!    LOB'  !   HOW  THAT  BOY  DID  LOVE  A  BIT  o'  RATTIS',  OR  ANYTHING  TO  DO  WITH  VERMIN!  " 


THE    FLYING    MAN. 

\VHKN  the  still  silvery  dawn  uprolls 

And  all  the  world  is  "  standing  to  ; " 
When  young  lieutenants  damn  our 

souls 

Because  they  're  feeling  cold  and 
blue — 

The  bacon  's  trodden  in  the  slush, 
The  baccy  's  wet,  the  stove 's  gone 
wrong — 

Then,  purring  on  the  morning's  hush, 
Wo  hear  his  cheerful  little  song. 

The  shafts  of  sunrise  strike  his  wings, 
Tinting  them  like  a  dragon-fly  ; 

He  bows  to  the  ghost-moon  and  swings, 
Flame-coloured,  up  the  rosy  sky. 

He  climbs,  he  darts,  he  jibes,  he  luffs  ; 

Like  a  great  bee  he  drones  aloud ; 
He  whirls  above  the  shrapnel  puffs, 

And,  laughing,  ducks  behind  a  cloud. 

He  rides  aloof  on  god-like  wings, 

Taking  no  thought  of  wire  or  mud, 
Saps,  smells  or  bugs — the  mundane 

things 

That  sour  our  lives  and  have  our 
blood. 

Beneath  his  sky-patrolling  car 

Toy  guns  their  mimic  thunders  clap  ; 

Like  crawling  ants  whole  armies  are 
That  strive  across  a  coloured  map. 


The  roads  we  trudged  with  feet  of  lead 
The  shadows  of  his  pinions  skim ; 

The  river  where  we  piled  our  dead 
Is  but  a  silver  thread  to  him. 

"  God  of  the  eagle-winged  machine, 
What  see  you  where  aloft  you  roam  ?  " 

"  Eastward,  Die  Schlosscn  von  Berlin, 
And  West,  the  good  white  cliffs  of 
home! " 


Journalistic  Candour. 

Heading  to  the  Stop -Press  column 
of  a  Provincial  Paper : — 

"LATEST   RAW  NEWS." 


"  MOTORCYCLE.  Give  £25  (maximum)  and 
exquisite  diamond  ring  (engagement  broken 
off)." — Motor  Cycling. 

No  sidecar  required. 


"  Maeterlinck,  the  great  Austrian  states- 
man, looked  with  suspicion  on  all  kinds  of 
suggestions  of  reform  or  agitation." 

Provincial  Paper. 

So    unlike    METTEKNICH,    the    famous 
Belgian  bee-farmer. 


"  YOUNG  BABY — Wanted,  homely  woman  to 
take  charge  of  duration  of  war." 

Wood  (Invii  Sentinel. 

If  she  will  only  finish  it  satisfactorily 
— the  War,  wo  mean,  not  the  baby — 
we  don't  mind  how  homely  she  is. 


"  And  through  all  this  hurricane  of  events, 
by  some  trick  of  mental  photography,  one 
figure  at  the  Labour  Conference  remains 
clear  and  sharply  defined — the  figure  of  the 
Smpuvjs  'loodaaAi^jo  'ooiuun(j  ^locijdjj  -A.IJI 
uodn  a  chair,  cheering  as  though  the  Millen- 
nium had  come,  waving  his  arms  from  side 
to  side  in  uncontrollable  excitement." 

Labour  Leader. 

And  at  the  same  time,  with  assistance 
from  the  printer,  standing  on  his  head. 


Under  the  heading  of  "  Horses,  Har- 
ness, &c." : — 

"OFFER,  cheap — Horse  Chestnuts,  6  to  8 
feet ;  Scotch,  2  to  3  feet ;  Spruce,  about  2  feet ; 
also  Privet,  Lilacs,  Laurels,  etc." — Irish  Times. 

We  are  quite  glad  to  see  this  old  joke 
in  harness  again. 


'.'Tourists  are  permitted  to  carry  cameras 
and  use  them  as  long  as  they  do  not  attempt 
to  take  fortresses." — Russian  Year  Hook. 

These  4-7  cameras  are  deadly  things 
for  siege  work. 

"  Quite  the  tit-bit  of  the  evening  was  the 
little  interlude  in  the  duet  from  •  Faust '  taken 

l.y  Mr.  H- as  Faust  and  Mr.  B P 

as  Mephistopheles.      '  His  Salonic  Majesty ' 
sings — 

'  What  is  your  will  ?    At  once  tell  me. 
Are  you  afraid?'  " 

Accrington  Observer. 

Is  this  "My  dear  Tino  "  under  another 
name? 


68 


ITM'ir,   OR  THE   LONDON   CIIARIVAW. 


[JANUAUY  20,  191G. 


THE    BATTLE    OF   JOBEY. 

JAXU\I:Y,  1!)1(>,  will  e\vr  be  remem- 
bered us  i  In-  eventful  niontli  in  which 
tbo  oldest  men  in  Kngland  turned  aside 
from  all  tlieir  other  pursuits  and  dis- 
regarded the  slate  of  K\tr,>)>e  in  order 
!o  take  part  in  (he  Battle  of  Johey. 
Their  battle-ground  wosfchdcphimna  of 
Tin'  Tiin.".i,  and  no  one  was  too  proud 
or  venerable  to  fight.  Peers,  bishops, 
deans,  statesmen,  baronets,  knights  — 
all  rushed  in,  and  still  no  one  quite 


was  larger  and  far  redder  than  that  of  To  represent  him  as  belonging  to  th 
:he  Master's.  I  have  given  a  fuller  Victorian  age  is  an  anachronism  cal 
account  of  tbo  interview  in  my  Balliol  culated  to  make  the  angels  weep. 
Memories,  Vol.  iii.,  pp.  292-5,  but  niayj  I  am,  Sir,  Yours  everlastingly, 


content  myself  with  saying  here  that 
the    two    eminent    men    parted    with 


MELCHISEDEK  POXTOPPIDAX. 


mutual  respect. 

I  am,  Sir,     Yours  faithfully, 

LEMUEL  LONGMIRE. 

SIR, — I  wish  to  point  out  that  "  My 
Tutor's"  is  hopelessly  wrong  in  think- 
ing that  his  Jobey  is  the  real  Jobey. 
Looking  through  my  diary  for  June, 


.,  ,  Tr  T       |  -i-JVJl^lYlllt;        Llll^Uiill        III  \         (.11(1 

knows  the  result.     How  manyJonevs    ,  ,.-    -.  ,.    -.  ,.  .° 

-fj.-.    1810,  1  find  this  entry  : — 
were  there?  we  still  ask  ourselves.    DK  • 

News  of  Waterloo  just  received. 
Jol>ey,  who  has  charge  of  all  the 
cricket  implements  and  is  gener- 
ally tli3  custodian  of  the  playing 
fields,  monstrously  drunk,  on. the 
ground  of  having  won  the  battle.'1 


anyone  really  know  the  first  Jobey,  01 
\\a-;  there  only  a:i  ancestral  Jobey 
back  in  the  days  of  EDWARD  VI.  ?  Ho-,\ 
old  was  the  dynasty  '.'  Was  Johey  Levi'. 
Was  Jobey  Powea?  Was  Jobey  shorl 
and  fat  ?  Was  Jobev  tall  and"  thin  ? 


What  did  Jobev  sell  ?  What  did  Jobey 
do? 

To  bngin  with,  what  was  the  casn. 
belli .?  No  one  can  remember.  But 
some  old  Etonian,  reminiscing,  bad  the 
effrontery  to  believe  that  the  Jobey  to 
whom,  in  his  anecdotage,  he  referred, 
who  sold  oranges  at  the  gate  or  blew  up 
footballs  or  performed  other  jobicular 
functions,  was  the  only  Jobey.  That 
was  enough.  Instantly  in  poured 
other  infuriated  old  Etonians,  also  in 
anecdotage,  to  pit  their  memories 
against  his.  Everything  was  forgotten 
in  the  struggle:  the  KAISER'S  illness, 
Sir  IAN  HAMILTON'S  despatch,  the 
Compulsion  Bill,  the  Quakers  and  their 
consciences,  the.  deficiencies  of  the 
Blockade.  Nothing  existed  but  Jobey. 

All  the  letters,  however,  were  Jiot 
printed,  and  some  of  those  that  escaped 
The  Times  have  fallen  into  our  own 
hand.  Wo  give  one  or  two  : — 

SIR,  —  Your      Correspondents     are 
wrong.      Jobey   was   a   fat   red   man, 
with  a  purple  nose  and  a  wooden  leg. 
I  am,    Yours  faithfully,  NESTOR. 

Sin,  —  My  recollection  of  Jobey  is 
exact.  He  was  a  fat  man  with  a  hook 
instead  of  a  left  hand,  and  he  stood  at 
least  six  feet  six  inches  high.  No  one 
could  mistake  him. 

I  am,      Obediently  yours, 

METHUSELAH  PARR. 

SIR, — JOWETT,  though  not  an  Etonian 
himself,  was  greatly  interested  in  anec- 
dotes of  Jobey  related  to  him  by  Eton- 
ian undergraduates  in  the  "  sixties," 
and  on  one  occasion,  when  he  was  the 
guest  of  the  Headmaster,  he  was  intro- 
lucod  to  the  famous  factotum,  who 
nstructed  him  in  the  art  of  blowing  up 
ootballs,  and  presented  him  with  a 
jlood  orange,  which  JOWETT  religiously 
preserved  for  many  years  in  a  glass- 
in  his  study.  In  features  they 
vere  curiously  alike,  but  Jobev's  nose 


This  conclusively  proves  that  there 
was  a  Jobey  before  the  old  fellow  who 
has  just  died  aged  85.  But  how  any- 
one can  be  interested  in  people  aged 
only  85,  I  cannot  conceive.  My  own 
age  is  118,  and  I  am  still  in  possession 
of  an  exact  memory  and  a  deadly  diary. 
I  remain,  Sir,  Yours  truly, 

JOHN  BARCHESTER. 

SIR, — Although  in  my  hundred-and- 
fiftieth  year  I  can  still  recollect  my 
school  days  with  crystal  clearness,  and 
it  pains  me  to  find  a  lot  of  young 
Etonians  claiming  to  have  had  dealings 
with  the  original  Jobey.  The  original 
Jobey  died  in  1827,  and  I  was  at  his 
funeral.  He  was  then  a  middle-aged 
man  of  93.  When  I  was  at  Eton  in 
1776-1783,  he  stood  with  his  basket 
opposite  "Grim's,"  and  if  any  of  us 
refused  to  buy  he  gave  us  a  black  eye. 
Discipline  was  lax  in  those  days,  but 
we  were  all  the  better  for  it.  On 
Jobey's  death  a  line  of  impostors  no 
doubt  was  established,  trying  to  profit 
by  the  great  name ;  but  none  of  these 
can  be  called  the  original  Jobey,  except 
under  circumstances  of  the  'crassest 
ignorance  or  folly. 

I  a;n,     Yours,  etc.,     SEXEX. 

SIR, — It  is  tolerably  obvious  that 
your  correspondent  "  Dairy's "  is 
suffering  from  hallucinations  of  the 


A  MOTHER  TO  AN  EMPEROR. 
I  MADE  him  mine  in  pain  and  fright 

The  only  little  lad  I'd  got, 
And  woke  up  aching  night  by  night 

To  mind  him  in  his  baby  cot  ; 
And,    whiles,   I  jigged  him    on   nr 

knee 

And  sang  the  way  a  mother  sings 
Seeing  him  wondering  up  at  me 
Sewing  his  little  things, 
never  gave  a  thought  to  wars  anc" 
kings. 

I  heard  his  prayers  or  smacked  him 

good, 
And  watched  him  learning  miles 

ahead 
Of  all  his  mother  ever  could, 

Roughing   my    hands   to  set  him 

bread ; 
And  when  he  was  a  man  I  tried 

Not  to  forget  as  he  was  grown, 
And  didn't  keep  him  close  beside 

All  for  my  very  own — 
And  meanwhiles  you  was  brooding  on 
your  throne. 

And  now He  wouldn't  wait  no 

more, 
I  'ye    helped   him   go,    I   couldn't 

choose; 
My  one  's  another  in  the  score 

Of  all  you've  grabbed;  seems  like 

I  lose. 
But  don't  vou  think  you  've  done  so 

well    ' 

Taking  my  lad  that 's  got  but  one  ; 
He'll  fight  for  me,  he'll  fight  like 

hell, 

And,  when  you  're  down  and  done, 
You  '11  curse  the  day  you  stole  my  only 


son. 


Commercial  Candour. 

From  a  shoemaker's  advertisement: — 
"  8  years'  wear  !   12  hours'  ease." 


Comforting  the  Foe. 

T,r      •  "Books  and  Magazines  mav  be  handed  in 

)St    Virulent    type.      Maxima  de.bctnr    at  the  counter  of  any  I>«,sl  <  mice,  unwrapped, 


mcris  reverentia  is  all  very  well,  but 
'acts  are  facts.  There  may  have  been 
nany  pseudo-Jobeys,  but  the  real 
original  was  born  in  the  year  of  the 
"real  Fire  of  London  and  died  in  1745. 


unlabelled,  and  huiiaddivsscd." 


I'arisft  Majaiine. 


"  To  be  LET.  FuuxisiiKi>.  cosily 
COUNTRY  HOUSE,  offering   rest,    recuperation, 
recreation,  and  the  acme  of  comfort;  10  bed- 


-y  1  _  iv^*«t«»i*wij ,   nuu    ti.it;    <njuitj    *Ji    uuilllAJl  L  ,     i\J   UUU- 

rle  was  already  installed  in  the  reign  !  rooms.  '2  bath.  4  reception  ;  stabling,  garage, 
of  WlLLIAM   III.,   and  was  the  first   to  '•  billiards,  tennis,  croquet,  miniature  rifle  range, 


,  with  a  pale  face  and  hooked  ncs3    With    a    lodge,    a   deer   park,    and   „ 
I    always   wore   a   woollen   muffler,    "  revenue  of  populars,"  this  would  be  a 
which  we  called  "Jobey's  comforter."    bargain. 


JANUARY  26,   I!M<;.| 


PUNCH,  oil   Till-:   LONDON  CI I A  I!  IV  A  HI. 


69 


AN    INFANT    IN    ARMS. 


OK  GUARD. 


THE  FAMILY. 


THE  DANGER  PAST. 


STASD  AT— EASE! 


70 


PCNCII.   ()|J    TIIK    LONDON    (MIAIMVA1M. 


2G,  19Hi. 


HOW    TO    TALK    TO    THE    WOUNDED. 

Dear  Old  Lady.  "  HAVE  you  TWO  MEN  BEEN  AT  THE  FBONT?" 

Soldier.  "BLESS  YOU,  xo,  MUM.    WE'VE  JUST  'AD  A  BIT  OP  A  SCF.AP  TOGETHER,  TO  KEEP  FIT." 


THE    GRAND    TOUR. 

I  ALWAYS  wished  to  sec  the  world — I  'ad  no  chanst  before, 
Nor  I  don't  suppose  I  should  'ave  if  there  "adn't  been  no  war; 
I  used  to  read  the  tourist  books,  the  shippin'  news  also, 
An'  I  'ad  the  chance  o'  goin',  so  I  couldn't  'elp  but  go. 

We  'ad  a  spell  in  Egypt  first,  before  we  moved  along 
Acrost  the  way  to  Suvla,  where  we  got  it  'ot  an'  strong ; 
We  'ad  no  drink  when  we  was  dry,  no  rest  when  we  was 

tired, 
But  I  've  seen  the  Perramids  an'  Spink,  which  I  'ad  oft 

desired. 

I  've  what  '11  last  me  all  my  life  to  talk  about  an'  think  : 
I '  ve  sampled  various  things  to  eat  an'  various  more  to  drink  ; 
I've  strolled  among  them  dark  bazaars,  which  makes  the 


pay  to  fly 
W  1  'a  ' 


(An'  1  'ad  my  fortune  told  as  well,  but  that  was  all  my  eye). 

I  've  seen   them   little   islands   too — I  couldn't   sav  their 

names — 
An'  towns  as  white  as  washin'-day  an'  mountains  spoutin' 

flames ; 

I  've  seen  the  sun  come  lonely  up  on  miles  an'  miles  o'  sea : 
Why,  folks  'ave  paid  a  'unclred  pound  an'  seen  no  more 

than  me. 

The  sky  is  some'ow  bluer  there — in  fact,  I  never  know 

As  any  sun  could  be  so  'ot  or  any  sky  so  blue ; 

There's  figs  an'  dates  an'  suchlike  things  all  'angiri'  on  the 

trees, 
An'  black  folks  walkiif  up  an'  down  as  natural  as  you  please. 


1  always  wished  to  see  the  world,  I  'm  fond  o'  life  an'  change, 
But  ABDUL  got  me  in  the  leg;  an'  this  is  passin'  strange. 
That  when  you  see  Old  England's  shore  all  wrapped  in  mist 

an'  rain, 
Why,  it's  worth  the  bloomin'  bundle  to  be  comin'  'ome 

again ! 

A  Fair  Exchange. 

From  TJic  Gazette  of  India  : — • 

"  Delhi,  the  IGth  December,  1915. -No.  100-C.  With  reference  to 
Notification  No.  2529,  dated  the  21st  October  1915,  Mr.  1 1.  W.  Kmerson, 
Indian  Civil  Service,  is  appointed  Under  Secretary  to  the  Government 
of  India,  Department  of  Revenue  and  Agriculture,  s.  p.  t.  with  elTcct 
from  the  forenoon  of  the  29th  November  1915  and  until  further 
orders. — V.  NOYCE,  Offg.  Secretary  to  the  Government  of  India." 

"  Simla,  the  IGth  December  1915.— No.  2842.  With  reference  to 
Notification  No.  2417,  dated  the  19th  October  1915,  Mr.  F.  Noyce, 
Indian  'Civil  Service,  is  appointed  Secretary  to  the  Government  of 
India,  Department  of  Revenue  and  Agriculture,  s.  p.  t.,  with  effect 
from  the  forenoon  of  the  29th  November  1915  and  until  further  orders. 
— H.  W.  KMKRSOX,  Under  Secretary  to  the  Government  of  India." 


"Jamaica  has  removed  the  embargo  on  the  exportation  of  logwood 
to  British  possessions  and  also  to  America  and  ports  in  France  and 
Italy."— The  Times. 

A  mixed  blessing.     There 's  too  much  logwood   in   some 
ports  as  it  is. 

From  A  Littk  Guide  to  Essex: — 

"Steeple  Bumpstead  (see  Bumpstead,  Stcoplc). 
Bumpstcad,  Steeple  (see  Steeple  Bumpstead).   .  .  . 
Bumpstead,  Hclions  (see  Helions  Bumpstead). 
Hel ions  Bumpstead  (see  Bumpstead,  Helions)." 


ITNCU.    OH   Till;    I.MNDO.N    CHAKI YAK!.— J.txr AUV  li  I.  191C. 


'THE  MAN  THAT  BROKE  THE  BACK  OF  MONTENEGRO." 

FRAX/-.JOSKF,   THE    MAMMOTH    COMEDIAN,  IN  HIS   STUPEXDOrs   (AND   UNIQUE)   SUCCESS. 


.JANTUIY  -'I1,,    I'.Mii.l 


IMNCir.    01!    TIIK    I.ONDDX    CIIAIMV.MM. 


78 


engaged    D/j.OOO    recruits    would 
heen     raised     from     Ireland    mid 


bava 

that. 


proached     it.       Taking 
\Yet!iie,.|:iv,    lie    to-day 


his    s<Ml.    la-it 
delivered     his 


I  Nationalist  Regiments.     If  five  years  Member  for  Australia  (London  addrem, 

ESSENCE     OF    PARLIAMENT.  ;l,,  ,   .mv   ,,,,,.   |Kl,l   |)n-dicted   that  in    a.    St.    (ieorge's.     Hanover     Square)    \vitli 

(ExTBACTED  TBOJI  THB  DIABT  o»  TOBY,  VI.P.)  great    \\ar  iii    which   the    Empire  was   characteristic    modesty   dillideiitly  a|) 

llnii.-ii'  e/  Commons,  Monday,  •Imm- 
nri/  17th.  —  To-day's  sitting  included 
e|>i.odo  justly  d. -scribed  hs  I.'IDMONII 
as  miraculous  in  reflations  hetwcen  Ire- 
land and  her  sisten  in  the  family  of  tlie  looked  upon  as  a  lunatic  '.' 

Empire.      In    Coiumit  let;    on    Military         One  note  of  dis  -ord  cam.-  from  little    should  (for  a  reasonable  period)  be  seen, 

Servico  Bill  question    promptly   raised  group     Ix-low     Gangway     on     Liberal    not  hoard.     As  a  hreakor  of  unwritten 

of   exclusion   of    Ireland.      Amendment  side.      I'liable    to     withstand    tcmpta-    law    Si;-    GKOIKIK    has    extenuation    of 

movt!cl  by  I'nionist   Member  for  Belfast  lion    to    ohtain     mean    little    triiiinph,    success.     This  duo  to  intrinsic  merits 

Mill    op.-'.Mtivn    in    the   three  they   refused    to   permit   withdrawal  of   of     speech.      Foremost    of     these    was 


there  would   he  l.">l,ll:i    I  rishineii  with    maiden   speech.      It   was  risky   in    fact) 
tlr-    colours,   would   he   not   have   been    of    the,     sound     axiom,     adapted    from 

nur.iery  discipline,  that   new    Meini 


Kingdom! 
Significant  note 


struck   at 


el   by  PBIMH  MIMSTEB. 

(  >\e:-\vhelnicd  with  work,  un- 
ahle  to  take1  personal  char;,"; 
of  Mill  in  Coi  .....  itie  l,  i 
puled  Iii.sk,  not  to  Itom.i 
l?ule  Iicisn  Si:rm;TU;v,  to 
\\honi  it  ollicially  belonged, 
hut  to  the  1'nionist  COI.ONI  M, 
SECKETARY. 

In  delica'e  |-ositioii.  Mos.u; 
l,vw  acquitted  himself  with 
excellent  taste,  unerring  tact. 
He  diil  not  disguise  fact  that 
as  a  I'nionist  his  sympathies 
were  with  the  Amendment. 
Mul,  he  insisted  that  moro 
would  be  lost  than  gained 
h\  trying  to  enforce  Military 
ice  on  country  divided 
upon  the  question. 

"To  anyone  who  knows  I  he 
history  of  Ireland,"  he  said, 
"who  knows  the  history  in 
our  own  lifetime,  and  the 
part  which  has  been  played 
hy  Nationalist  Members  in 
this  House  and  Nationalist 
Members  in  Ireland—  to  any- 
one who  recalls  the  state  of 
this  country  during  the 
whole  of  the  Napoleonic 
Wars,  when  Ireland  \\as  a 
c  instant  source  of  danger  to 
1  Britain,  it  is  not  a 
small  thing,  it  is  a  very  great 
thing,  that  for  tbo  first  time 
in  our  history  the  official 
representatives  of  the  Nationalist  Party 
are  openly  and  avowedly  on  the  side  of 
" 


ALL  FOB  IRELAND— A   WAR-TIMK  HARMONY. 
Mn.  BOXAB  LAW,  MB.  REDMOND,  Sin  EDWARD  CARSON. 

Amendment,  as  suggested   by 


Givat  Britain." 

CAKSON    patriotically 


responded   to 


this  harmonious  call,  rare  in  discuss- 
ing Ireland  across  lloor  of  the  House. 
Regretfully  but  uncompromisingly  ad- 
vised withdrawal  of  Amendment  moved 
h\  CUter  Member. 

JOHN  REDMOND,  in  speech  pathetic  in 
its  plea,  besought  the  House  to  refrain 
from  effort  to  drive  Ireland.  The  part 
her  people  have  taken  in  the  War  side 
by  siiU;  with  British  comrades  was 
splendid. 

"I  am,"  he  said,  "as  proud  of 
the  Ulster  Regiments  as  I  am  of  the 


brevity.  Kurthermoiv,  it 
was  in  tbo  best  son 
contribution  to  debate, 
arising  directly  out  of  ques- 
tion sprung  upon  Committee. 
No  asphyxiating  smell  of  the 
lamp  about  it.  Sound  in  ar- 
gument, felicitous  in  phrase. 

Ivou  Hr.ifHK.iiT  had  moved 
.'Iment  to  Military  Ser- 
vice Bill,  bringing  within  its 
purview  all  unmarried  men 
as  they  attain  tbo  age  of 
eighteen  years.  Tbo  Bill 
calls  to  the  colours  only  those 
who  on  15th  August  last 
had  reached  that  age. 

"  When  the  flames  of  de- 
struction are  approaching 
the  fabric  of  our  liberties, 
said  Sir  George  KKID  by  way 
of  peroration,  "let  us  save 
our  house  first  and  discu-s 
our  domestic  rearrangements 
afterwards." 

The  new  Member  rose  in 
nearly  empty  House.  Mem- 
bers already  aweary  of  in- 
effectual talk  round  foregone 
conclusion.  News  that  he 
was  on  his  feet  signalled 
throughout  the  precincts, 
Members  hurried  in  to  hear. 
Amongst  them  came  the 
PRIMK  MINISTER.  Amend- 
ment withdrawn. 

Jhiaines.'i     done.  —   Com- 
mittee sat    far    into    foggy 
night,  driving  Military    Scr- 
BONAB  vice  Bill   through  Committee   against 


LAW  and  accepted  by  C.vnsox,  and  it  was  obstruction  on  the  part  of  at  most  a 


perforce  negatived. 

business  dour.  —  Military  Service 
Bill  in  Committee. 

2.10  A.M. —  House  ad- 
journed after  ten  hours'  wrestling  with 
Military  Service  Bill. 

Once  upon  a  time,  not  so  far  back, 
there  was  an  Irish  Member  who,  on  his 
triumphant  return  to  Westminster,  took 
the  oath  and  his  seat  at  4  o'clock  in 

the    afternoon,    delivered    his   maiden  was  one  of  the  sacrificial  lambs  cut  off 
speech  at  G.50,  and  on   the  stroke  of ,  by  reconstruction  of  Ministry  on  Coal- 


score  of  Members. 

Thursday. — Both  sides  unite  in  wel- 
coming JACK  PKASK  hack  to  Ministerial 
position.  (.I/cm.  —  Commonly  called 
Jack  because  he  was  christened  Joseph 
Albert).  After  filling  in  succession 
offices  of  Chief  Whip  of  Liberal  Party, 
Chancellor  of  Duchy  and  Minister 
for  Education,  in  each  gaining  general 
approval  and  personal  popularity,  he 


midnight  was  suspended  for  disorderly 
conduct. 

That  a  record  difficult  to  beat.     The 


ition  principles. 

Took  what   must   have   been  bitter 
disappointment  with  dignified  reserve. 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[.JANUARY  2G,  1916. 


Inquisitive  Party. 
Inquisitive  Party. 
Inquisitive  Parly. 
Inquisitive  Party. 


'YE'LL  LIKELY  BE  GAUN  TAB  ELIE?" 
'THAN  YE'LL  BE  GAUN  TAB  PITTENWEEM?" 
'THEN  YE'LL  SHAIB  TAB  BE  GAUN  TAE  GRAIL?" 
'  DAE  YE  THINK  A  CARE  A  DOM  WHAUR  YE  'RE  GAUN  ?  ' 


N.C.O.  "No!" 
N.C.O.  "No!!" 
N.C.O.  "No!!!" 


Having  made  the  personal  statement 
common  to  retiring  Ministers,  he  did 
not  seat  himself  on  the  Front  Opposi- 
tion Bench  on  the  look-out  for  oppor- 
tunity to  "  hesitate  dislike  "  of  policy 
and  action  of  former  colleagues.  Seek- 
ing for  chance  to  do  his  bit  in  con- 
nection with  the  War,  at  request  of 
Army  Council  he  undertook  unpaid 
post  of  Civil  Member  on  Claims  Com- 
mission in  France.  Comes  back  to 
Treasury  Bench  as  Postmaster-General, 
in  succession  to  the  INFANT  SAMUEL, 
who,  in  accordance  with  the  tradition 
of  early  childhood,  has,  since  first  pro- 
moted to  Ministerial  office,  been 
"  called  "  several  times  to  others. 

SARK,  always  considerate  of  con- 
venience of  public,  thinks  it  may  be 
well  to  state  that  it  will  be  no  use 
anyone  looking  in  at  Post  Office  and 
crying,  "  Pease  !  Pease !  "  Not  because 
there  is  no  Pease,  but  because  there  are 
two  —  JACK,  the  Postmaster  -  General, 
and  his  cousin  PIKE  PEASE,  formerly 
a  Unionist  Whip,  who  has  for  some 
months  served  as  Assistant  Postmaster- 
General. 

Business  done. — In  Committee  on 
Military  Service  Bill. 


Thursday. — Fourth  night  of  debate 
in  Committee  on  Military  Service  Bill. 
Concluded  a  business  that  might  have 
been  as  fully  accomplished  at  one  sitting. 
Save  for  a  few  immaterial  amendments 
of  the  verbal  kind,  Bill  stands  as  it  did 
when  introduced.   Scene  closed  with  ex- 
change of  compliments  between  BONAR 
LAW  and  little  band  who  have  succeeded 
in  keeping  talk  going.     He  expressed 
I  satisfaction,    "  or    perhaps    something 
!  rather  stronger  "  (this  a  little  dubious), 
[  at  the  way  in  which  opposition  had  been 
J  conducted.     They  protested  it  was  all 
I  due  to  his  conciliatory  manner. 

And   so   home   to   bed   as   early   as 
eleven  o'clock. 


Delhi-on-Sea. 

"DELHI,  Monday, — The  P.  and  0.  Steamer 
Arabia,  with  the  outward  mail  of  the  2'2nd, 
arrived  here  at  1-30  p.m.  to-day  (Sunday)." 

The  BeMrce. 


"  Commencing  on  December  1st  the  London 
banks  will  close  at  three  o'clock,  except  on 
Saturday  at  one  o'clock,  with  a  view  to  assist- 
ing recruiting  by  realising  a  number  of  clerks." 
Bay  of  Plenty  Times. 

Financially  and   otherwise   the  bank- 
clerk  is  one  of  our  best  securities. 


PLUS  QA  CHANGE,  PLUS  C'EST 
LA  MEME  CHOSE. 

BEFORE  the  War  Miss  Betty  Pink 
Was  just  an  ordinary  mink  ; 
Her  skirt  was  short,  her  eye  was  glad, 
Her  hats  would  almost  drive  you  mad, 
She  was,  in  fact,  to  many  a  boy 

A  source  of  perturbation  ; 
At  household  duties  she  would  scoff, 
She  lived  for  tennis,  bridge  and  golf, 
She  motored,  hunted,  smoked  and 

biked, 

Did  just  exactly  what  she  liked, 
And  took  a  quite  delirious  joy 
In  casual  flirtation. 

But  when  the  War  arrived,  you  see, 
She  flew  at  once  to  V.A.D., 
Belgians,  Eed  Cross,  and  making 

mitts, 

And  (profitably)  sold  her  Spitz, 
And  studied  mild  economy 

In  things  she  wasn't  wrapt  in ; 
One  game  alone  of  all  her  games 
She  stuck  to.    Which  is  why  her  name's 
No  longer  Pink.     I  laughed  almost, 
On  reading  in  The  Morning  Post, 
That  Betty,  "  very  quietly," 

Had  wed  a  tempy.  Captain. 


JANUARY  26,  1916.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON    I'll  AIM  VA  III. 


^f.('.  (introducing  bluejacket  wlio  fancies   himself  as  a  basso). 

FOG-'ORN,    ENTITLED,    '0   RtDDIEB   THAN   THE   CHEBB?.' " 


'  MB.    'ICKS    WILL    NOW    OBLIGE    WITH    SEVEBAL    BLASTS    ON    'IS 


ERIN-GO-BRAGH. 

"  SAFT  inarnin',  Mrs.  Eyan — ye  're 
out  early  this  marnin'." 

"  Ye  say  right,  Mrs.  Flanagan,  I  am 
that.  Me  son  wint  back  to  the  Front 
last  night,  and  Himself  was  out  seein' 
him  off  at  the  staymer,  all  through  the 
pourin'  rain,  the  way  he 's  not  able  to 
shtir  hand  or  fut.  I  was  just  down  to 
Gallagher's  gettin'  him  some  medicine." 

"  Ah,  now  !  'tis  too  bad  that  Him- 
self is  sick.  Will  I  help  yez  with  the 
bottles,  Mrs.  Eyan  ?  " 

"  Thank  yez,  Ma  'am,  it 's  too  kind 
ye  are." 

"And  ye  tell  me  y'r  son  is  away 
agin,  and  him  only  just  back !  Tis 
a  tarriblo  warr,  an'  there 's  a  powerful 
lot  av  fine  young  fellows  that  '11  be 
missing  when  they  come  back  to 
Dublin  agin." 

"  Ah !  ye  may  well  say  that,  Mrs. 
Flanagan.  There 's  more  than  a 
million  gone  out  of  this  disthrict  alone, 
and  there  's  Irishmen  fightin'  in  all  the 
himispheres  of  th'  worrld.  They  tell 
me  that  the  Irish  bees  in  such  numbers 
that  the  inimy  got  fair  desprit  an' 
rethreated  into  Siberia  to  get  away 
from  thim,  till  they  met  more  av  us 
comin'  along  from  th'  other  ind  of  the 
worrld." 

"Glory  be!  But  isn't  that  wandher- 
ful?" 


"  Ay,  'twas  the  Tinth  Division,  so  it 
was,  the  brave  boys  comin'  back  afther 
1  fightin'  the  Turks,  bad  luck  to  them  f 'r 
haythens!  F'r  didn't  Lord  KITCHENEB 
himself  go  out  to  see  thim  at  the 
Dardnells,  and  ses  he,  'What's  the 
use  of  wastin'  brave  throops  here? 
We  '11  lave  the  English  to  clane  up  the 
threnches,"  and  on  that  they  packs 
the  Irish  off  and  marches  thim 
thousands  of  miles  intil  Siberia.  Ah !  j 
'twas  the  dhrop  thim  Germins  got 
when  they  came  shtrugglin'  along  wan 
day  and  run  up  aginst  the  ould  Tinth 
agin.  There  was  tarrible  slaughter 
that  day,  and  the  inimy  bruk  in  great 
disorther,  and  is  now  trying  to  escape 
down  the  Sewers  into  the  Canal." 

"  Well  now,  Mrs.  Eyan,  that 's  grand 
news  ye  do  be  tellin'.  'Tis  fair  wan- 
dherful  how  well  up  in  it  y'  are.  But 
will  ye  tell  me  now  what  would  the 
English  be  doin'  all  this  time  ?  Surely 
ye  don't  mane  to  say  that  the  whole 
av  th'  Army  bees  Irish  ?  " 

"  Not  at  all,  Mrs.  Flanagan,  not  at 
all.  But  the  fightin'  rigimints  is 
mostly  Irish.  Ye  see,  th'  Army  has  to 
be  fed,  and  the  threnches  has  to  be 
claned  and  drained,  and  so  on,  and  the 
English  does  the  cookin'  and  clanin' 
for  the  Irish.  But  anny  fightin'  that 's 
done  is  done  be  th'  Irish  rigimints,  at 
is  well  known  to  be  the  best  fighters 
in  the  worrld." 


"  But  will  ye  tell  me  now,  what 's 
this  I  hear  about  making  the  English 
go  into  the  Army  be  description?  " 

"  Is  ut  conscription  ye  mane?  Shure, 
'tis  like  this.  Furst  of  all  there  was 
inlistment  be  groups.  Himself  tould 
me  all  about  it.  Over  there,  there  was 
no  inlistin'  as  there  was  over  here. 
Shure,  in  Dublin  alone  we  have  three 
recruitin'  offices,  to  say  nothin'  of  th' 
recruitin'  thram.  Ah  !  'tis  a  fine  sight 
to  see  the  thram,  Mrs.  Flanagan,  going 
up  and  down  the  sthreets  o"  Dublin, 
with  the  flags  and  the  fine  coloured 
posthers  plasthered  on  ut,  and  divil  a 
wan  ever  in  ut,  bekase  why?  there 
isn't  a  sowl  lift  in  the  city,  and  what 
is  lift  is  bein'  held  back  by  the  polls 
at  the  recruitin'  office  in  Brunswick 
Sthreet.  Well,  as  I  was  tellin'  yez,  in 
England  there  was  no  recruitin'  like 
that.  It  got  so  that  there  was  just 
wan  recruitin'  office  left,  as  the  other 
three  had  to  be  closed,  bekase  no  wan 
came.  Ye  see,  all  the  young  men  were 
down  at  the  poorts,  gettin'  their  tickets 
to  Ameriky. 

"  'This,'  ses  one  of  the  English  Lords 
— a  felly  be  the  name  o'  Derby — 'this,' 
ses  he,  '  is  tarrible.  If  the  inimy  hears 
o'  this,  all  the  Irish  in  the  worrld  and 
in  Ameriky  won't  save  us.' 

"  So  he  gets  out  a  scheme — he 's  a 
arrible  ould  schemer  is  that  wan — 
whereby,  ye  see,  ivery  man  in  England 


7G 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY    2G,    1916. 


was  to  inlist  to  sarve  when  he  was 
called  up,  and  they  were  to  lie  made 
up  intil  groups,  an'  the  married  men 
was  to  he  put  intil  the  lasht  group. 
The  advantage  o'  that  was  that  it  in- 
timidated th'  inimy,  bekase  a  man 
looks  more  whin  he  is  called  a  group. 
Thin  the  ould  schemer  arranged  that 
these  groups  should  get  armlets,  some- 
thin'  like  a  sling,  so,  whin  a  man  was 
called  up  in  a  group,  he  could  show  the 
sling  he  was  wearin'  and  lie  'd  he  put 
intil  a  later  group.  Ah  !  'twas  a  grand 
scheme!  Ye  see,  the  limit  of  militry 
age  bees  now  forthy-wan,  and  supposing 
there  was  a  million  men  in  ivery  group 
(and  I  was  tould  there  was  more)  that 
was  forthy-wan  million  !  " 

"Glory  he  to  God,  Mrs.  Ryan,  but 
that 's  a  tarrible  number  !  " 

"  Ye  say  right,  Mrs.  Flanagan.  But 
look  you  here,  ivery  time  a  group  was 
called  up  and  the  men  was  put  back 
intil  a  later  group,  it  made  more  men 
for  the  later  groups,  until,  ye  see,  whin 
they  called  up  the  lasht  group  there  'd 
be  forthy-wan  times  as  many  men  at 
the  ind  as  at  the  beginnin'.  That  was 
the  scheme  for  puttin'  the  fear  o'  God 
intil  thim  Germins." 

"  Thin  will  ye  tell  me,  Mrs.  Ryan, 
why  didn't  they  shtick  till  it  ?  " 

"  'Tis  harrd  to  explain,  Mrs.  Flanagan, 
and  here  we  are  at  me  door.  I  '11  take 
the  porther  bottles,  thank  ye  kindly, 
Ma'am.  Well,  this  was  the  way  av  it. 
When  they  shtarted  the  recruitin'  av 
the  groups  they  found  that  'twas  too 
many  officers  they  were  afther  gettin'. 
I  heard  there  was  half  a  million  as  had 
to  be  given  their  shtars  !  An'  I  needn't 
be  afther  tellin'  ye,  Mrs.  Flanagan,  that 
even  with  all  the  millions  of  Irish  out 
there,  there  wouldn't  be  room  for  five 
hundred  thousand  officers  to  lead  thim. 
Besides  which  every  wan  knows  that 
the  Irish  don't  want  leadin'.  'Tis 
thim  shows  the  way  whin  it  comes  to 
a  charrge.  An'  sure,  as  it  is,  all  the 
Ginirals,  exceptin'  for  an  odd  wan  or 
two,  bees  Irish  !  " 

***** 

"  Is  that  you,  Biddy  ?  Will  yez  come 
in  out  of  that  now  ?  " 

"  Och,  that 's  Himself  now.  He  must 
be  betther!  Good-day  to  yez,  Mrs. 
Flanagan,  and  man}'  thanks  to  ye." 


Cause  and  Effect. 

"PEACE  SPEAKERS  PELTED  WITH  OCIIRE. 
The  speakers  on  the  platform  had  a  curried 
consultation." — Provincial  Paper. 


"  One  may  say  of  Kitchener's  Army  (at  any 
rate  of  the  rank  and  file  I  have  acquaintance 
with  here  in  Gaul)  that  it  est  omnia  in  duo 
paries  diiisa  (with  apologies  to  Ciesar)." 

Morning  1'npcr. 

CESAR'S  commentary  on  this  would  he 
worth  reading. 


TRUTHFUL    JAMES. 

THE  Staff  of  The  MiuhUeton  Weekly 
Gazette,  having  disguised  himself  as  an 
ordinary  citizen,  entered  the  local  hos- 
pital in  quest  of  copy.  His  keen  eye 
immediately  singled  out  a  man  of 
solemn,  careworn  aspect,  and  to  him 
he  directed  his  footsteps.  Two  clear 
grey  eyes  looked  into  his,  and  his 
greeting  was  answered  politely,  though 
without  enthusiasm.  Then,  exerting 
all  the  skill  and  adroitness  which  had 
marked  him  out  for  forty  years  as  a 
coining  man  in  the  journalistic  world, 
the  visitor  put  the  soldier  gradually  at 
his  ease  and  tactfully  induced  him  to 
recount  his  experiences. 

"  I  could  tell  you  lots  of  things  what 
would  astonish  you,  Sir,"  began  the 
convalescent.  "  Six  months  in  the 
trenches  gives  you  plenty  of  time  to 
pick  up  tales — and  invent  them,  too; 
hut  I  don't  hold  with  that.  A  little 
exaggeration  helps  things  along,  as  old 
Wolff  says,  but  when  lie  goes  beyond 
I  'm  not  with  him.  No  lies— not  for 
Truthful  James.  That 's  me,  Sir.  They 
call  me  that  in  B  Company;  James 
being  the  nam'o  what  my  godfathers 
and  godmothers  give  me,  and  Truthful 
being  as  you  might  say  an  identification 
mark." 

The  other  nodded  and  waited  in 
silence. 

"  Nothing  much  happened  to  me  for 
the  first  three  months,  but  then  we  was 
moved  further  South  and  a  new  Sub. 
joined  us.  Name  of  Williamson.  Do 
you  know  him,  Sir?  Second-Lieuten- 
ant J.  J.  C.  de  V.  Williamson  was  his 
full  war  paint.  Ah,  it 's  a  pity  you 
don't.  Quite  a  kid  he  was,  hut  he 
could  tell  you  oft  as  free  and  flowing  as 
a  blooming  General,  and  never  repeat 
himself  for  ten  minutes.  He  stirred 
things  up  considerable — specially  the 
enemy.  Sniping  was  his  game ;  two 
hours  regular  every  morning,  with  a 
Sergeant  to  spot  for  him  and  a  Corporal 
to  bring  him  drinks  at  intervals  of  ten 
minutes  to  keep  him  cool.  He  kept 
count  of  the  Huns  he  had  outed  by 
notches  on  the  post  of  his  dug-out. 
Every  time  he  rang  the  bell  he  'd  cut 
up  a  notch,  and  before  he'd  been  with 
us  a  month  you  could  have  used  that 
post  as  a  four-foot  saw. 

"  Naturally  the  Huns  were  riled. 
You  see,  we  was  a  salient  and  they  was 
a  salient,  and  there  wasn't  more  than  a 
hundred  yards  between  us.  We  could 
hear  them  eating  quite  plainly,  when 
they  had  anything  to  eat,  and  when 
they  hadn't  they  smoked  cigars  which 
smelt  worse  than  all  the  gas  they  ever 
squirted.  One  day  the  Sub.  strolls  up 
:  for  his  morning  practice  and  sees  a 
I  huge  sign  above  the  enemy  trench : 


'  Don't  shoot.  We  are  Saxons.'  They 
had  relieved  the  Prussians  and  they 
was  moving  about  above  their  trendies 
as  free  as  a  Band  of  Hope  Saturday 
excursion. 

"  '  Until  anyone  proves  the  contrary,' 
says  our  Sub.,  'I  maintain  that  Saxons 
is  Germans.  Moreover,  says  he,  '  war 
is  war,'  and  he  had  to  cut  up  three 
more  notches  on  his  post  afore  he  could 
make  thorn  understand  that  his  attitude 
was  hostile.  When  they  did  grasp  it 
they  began  to  strafe  us,  and  they  kep'  it 
up  hard  all  day.  When  night  come  our 
Sub.  decided  he'd  had  enough.  'Boys,'  he 
says  to  us,  '  one  hour  before  the  crimson 
sun  shoots  forth  his  flaming  rays  from 
out  of  the  glowing  East  them  Germans 
is  going  to  be  shifted  from  that  trench. 
Wo  ain't  a-going  to  make  a  frontal 
attack,'  he  says,  '  because  some  of  us 
might  have  the  misfortune  to  tear  our 
tunics  on  the  enemy  entanglements, 
and  housewives  is  scarce.  Wo  are 
going  to  crawl  along  that  hollow  on  the 
flank  and  enfilade  the  blighters.' 

"  So  we  puts  a  final  polish  on  our 
bainots  and  waits.  Bimeby  we  starts 
out,  Sergeant  leading  the  way.  We 
wriggled  through  the  mud  like  Wapping 
eels  at  low  tide  for  the  best  part  of  an 
hour,  and  at  last  we  got  to  their  trench 
and  halted  to  listen.  There  wasn't  a 
sound  to  be  heard ;  nobody  snoring, 
nobody  babbling  of  beer  in  his  sleep; 
only  absolute  silence.  Sergeant  was 
lying  next  to  me  and  I  distinctly  heard 
his  heart  miss  several  beats.  Then  all 
at  once  we  leaps  into  the  air,  gives  a 
yell  fit  to  make  any  German  wish  he'd 
never  been  born,  and  falls  into  their 
trench,  doing  bainet  drill  like  it  would 
have  clone  your  heart  good  to  see.  J>ut 
we  stops  it  as  quick  as  wo  begun,  he- 
cause  there  wasn't  a  single  man  in  that 
trench.  Not  one,  Sir. 

-"  After  a  awkward  pause,  '  The  birds 
have  flown,'  says  our  Sub.,  sorrowful 
like,  as  if  he'd  asked  some  friends  to 
dinner  and  the  cat  had  cat  the  meat. 

"  '  I  think,  Sir,'  says  Sergeant,  '  that 
they  've  abandoned  this  trench  as  being 
untenable,  and  probably  left  a  few 
mines  behind  for  us.'  I  didn't  like  that. 
I  thought  our  trench  was  a  much 
nicer  trench  in  every  way,  and  I  felt  it 
was  time  to  think  of  going  back,  when 
suddenly  we  hears  a  norrihle  yell  come 
up  from  our  trench  and  sounds  of 
blokes  jumping  about.  Yes,  Sir,  the 
Germans  had  made  an  attack  on  our 
trench  at  the  same  time,  only  they  had 
gone  round  by  the  other  flank,  where 
there  was  some  trees  to  help  them. 

"  So  there  they  was  in  our  trench, 
and  wo  in  theirs,  and  dawn  just  be- 
ginning to  break.  There  was  only  one 
thing  to  do.  We  went  back,  hoping 
they  would  wait  for  us;  but  they  hopped 


JANUARY  2f>,  lOKJ.l 


PUNCH.  01!    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


77 


Clieerful  One  (to  newcomer,  on  being  asked  what  the  trendies  are  like).  "  IF  YEB  STANDS  UP  YER  GET  SNIPED  •    IF  YEIS  KEFI-S 

imowxED;    IP  YEU  MOVES   ABOUT   YEE  GET  SHELLED;    AND  IP  YEB   STANDS   STILL   YEB  GETS   COUBT-MABTIALLFD   FOU 

FBOBT-BITE. 


it  quick,  same  way  as  they  come,  and 
so  we  finished  up  just  as  we  was  when 
we  started,  except  for  uiud.  Our  Sub. 
was  wild  with  rage,  and  he  hustled 
about  all  the  morning' looking  for  de- 
faulters, his  face  as  black  as  the 
Kayser's  soul ;  and  he  even  went  so 
far  as  to  curse  a  Machine  Gun  Section, 
which  shows  you  better  than  words 
what  he  felt  like.  D  Company,  when 
they  come  to  relieve  us,  wouldn't  be- 
lieve a  word  of  it,  not  till  I  told  them. 
They  had  to  then,  because  they  knew 
what  my  name  was.  James,  Sir,  and 
Truthful  as  a  sort  of  appendix." 

"  And  there  were  others,  of  course,  to 
corroborate  your  story  ?  " 

"  To  what",  Sir  ?  " 

"  To  swear  to  the  truth  of  it  ?  " 

"  Oh  yes.  They  swore  to  it  all  right. 
Again  and  again.  But  that  was  nothing 
to  what  happened  in  the  same  trench 
when  we  come  hack  from  billets.  It 
was  like  this  here.  Our  Sub.  .  .  . 
What 's  that  you  say,  Bill  ?  "  He  broke 
oft'.  "  Time  for  visitors  to  leave  ?  " 

The  Orderly  explained  that  it  was  so, 
and,  after  a  cordial  leave-taking  on  the 
part  of  the  visitor,  saw  him  out  and 
returned. 


"  Do  you  know  who  that  was,  Jim?  " 
he  asked. 

"  Soon  as  he  started  pumping  me," 
replied  James,  "  I  offered  myself  a 
hundred  quid  to  a  bob  on  his  being  a 
noospaper  man,  but  there  was  no  taker 
at  the  price,  bobs  being  scarce  and  me 
having  a  dead  cert.  Suppose  I  shall  be 
in  the  local  paper  on  Saturday,  Bill?  " 

"Yes.  Thrilling  Tales  from  the 
Trendies,  number  forty-three." 

"Pity  he  had  to  go  so  soon,"  sighed 
James.  "  I  was  only  just  beginning  to 
get  into  my  stride." 

From  the  current  Directory  of  the 
London  Telephone  Service  : — 

"FOREIGN    SERVICES   (PRANCE, 
BELGIUM  AND  SWITZERLAND). 

Communication  may  bo  obtained  between 
London  and  Paris  (including  the  suburbs), 
Brussels,  Antwerp,  Basle,  Geneva.  Lausanne, 
and  certain  provincial  towns  in  France  and 
Belgium.  Full  particulars  may  be  obtained 
on  application  to  the  Controller." 

We  are  afraid  these  facilities,  as  far  as 
Belgium  is  concerned,  will  shortly  be 
withdrawn.  The  new  Postmaster- 
General  has  heard  that  there  is  a 
war  on. 


'•  Winter  Laying  Strain  pure  bred  White 
Leghorn  Cockerels  ;  record  layers  :  5s." 

Bath  d-  Wilts  Chronicle. 
Smith    minor's    translation   of   ab  oro 
usque  ad  mala  is  thus  justified  :  "  It  is 
up  to  the  males  to  lay  eggs." 

"  '  Thundering  '  and  '  nous  '  are  two  of  the 
expressive  words  of  which  Sir  Ian  Hamilton 
made  use  of  in  his  Suvla  Bay  report.  It  was 
the  Royal  Artillery  that  did  'thundering  good 
shooting.'  'Nous,'  meaning  gumption,  is  a 
word  greatly  in  use  in  Lancashire." 

Daily  Mirror. 

It  has  also  been  met  with  in  Greece. 


"  Two  labourers  employed  by  the Dis- 
tillery Company  fell  a  distance  of  fifty  feet 
into  a  barley  vat  yesterday,  and  when  released 
were  found  to  be  suffering  from  carbolic  acid 
poisoning." — Weekly  Dispatch. 

This  paragraph  will  no  doubt  be  freely 
quoted  by  temperance  advocates  as 
showing  what  whiskey  is  really  made  of. 

From  a  notice  issued  by  the  Sydney 
Chamber  of  Commerce  : — 

"The  Fair,  which  will  bo  officially  opened 
by  His  Excellency  the  Governor,  will  be  held 
at  the  Town  Hall,  and  will  bo  followed  by  a 
Luncheon.  Space  will  bo  allotted  by  the  foot 
frontage  from  10/-  to  15/-." 

An  excellent  idea  for  City  dinners. 


78 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[JANUABY    26,    1916. 


"DULCE    ET    DECORUM." 

O  YOUNG  and  brave,  it  is  not  sweet  to  die, 
To  fall  and  leave  no  record  of  the  race, 

A  little  dust  trod  by  the  passers-by, 

Swift  feet  that  press  your  lonely  resting-place  ; 

Your  dreams  unfinished,  and  your  song  unheard — 

Who  wronged  your  youth  by  such  a  careless  word  ? 

All  life  was  sweet — veiled  mystery  in  its  smile; 

High  in  your  hands  you  held  the  brimming  cup ; 
Love  waited  at  your  bidding  for  a  while, 

Not  yet  the  time  to  take  its  challenge  up  ; 
Across  the  sunshine  came  no  faintest  breath 
To  whisper  of  the  tragedy  of  death. 

And  then,  beneath  the  soft  and  shining  blue, 
Faintly  you  heard  the  drum's  insistent  beat ; 

The  echo  of  its  urgent  note  you  knew, 

The  shaken  earth  that  told  of  marching  feet ; 

With  quickened  breath  you  heard  your  country's  call, 

And  from  your  hands  you  let  the  goblet  fall. 

You  snatched  the  sword,  and  answered  as  you  went, 
For  fear  your  eager  feet  should  be  outrun, 

And  with  the  flame  of  your  bright  youth  unspent 
Went  shouting  up  the  pathway  to  the  sun. 

0  valiant  dead,  take  comfort  where  you  lie. 

So  sweet  to  live  ?    Magnificent  to  die ! 


THE    LECTURE. 

"  Francesca,"  I  said,  "  will  you  do  me — I  mean,  will  you 
accept  a  favour  from  me? " 

"  If,"  she  said,  "your  Majesty  deigns  to  grant  one  there 
can  be  no  question  of  my  accepting  it.  It  will  fall  on  me 
and  I  shall  have  to  submit  to  it." 

"  Well,"  I  said,  "  it 's  this  way.  You  know  I  'in  going  to 
— a-hem  ! — deliver  a  lecture  at  Faringham  next  Monday  ?  " 

"  I  gathered,"  she  said,  "  that  you  were  up  to  something 
from  the  amount  of  books  you  were  piling  up  on  your 
writing-table.  Besides  you  've  been  complaining  of  the  ink 
a  .good  deal,  and  that 's  always  a  bad  sign." 

"  Hadn't  I  mentioned  Faringham  and  the  lecture  ?  " 

"  You  had  distantly  alluded  to  something  impending  and 
you  had  looked  at  the  A.B.C.  several  times,  but  it  stopped 
at  that." 

"  How  careless  of  me  1 "  I  said.  "  I  know  I  meant  to  tell 
you  all  about  it." 

"  You  didn't  make  your  meaning  clear.  It 's  all  part  of 
the  secretiveness  of  men.  They  tell  one  nothing  and 
then  they  're  offended  if  we  don't  anticipate  all  their 
movements." 

"We  will,"  I  said,  "let  that  pass.  It  is  an  unjust 
remark,  but  I  will  not  retaliate.  Anyhow,  I  now  inform 
you  formally  and  officially  that  I  am  going  to  Faringham 
on  Monday  in  order  to  deliver  a  lecture  on  "  Poetry  in  its 
Relation  to  Life,'  before  the  Faringham  Literary  Association. 
It  is  one  of  the  most  famous  Associations  in  the  world  and 
has  a  large  lecture-hall  capable  of  seating  one  thousand 
people  comfortably." 

"  But  why,"  she  said,  "  did  they  ask  you  to  lecture?  " 

"  They  must,"  I  said,  "  have  heard  of  me  somewhere  and 
guessed  that  I  had  wonderful  latent  capacities  as  a  lecturer. 
Some  men  have,  you  know." 

"Well,"  she  said,  "let's  hope  you're  one  of  that  sort, 
and  that  you  '11  bring  all  your  capacities  out  on  Monday. 
Aren't  you  nervous  ?  " 

"  No,"  I  said,  "  not  exactly  nervous ;  but  I  shall  be  glad 
when  it 's  well  over." 


"  So  shall  I,"  she  said.  "  The  ink  will  be  gradually 
getting  better  now,  and  there  won't  be  so  many  troubles 
about  the  A.B.C.  being  mislaid." 

"  No  book,"  I  said,  "  was  ever  so  much  mislaid  as  that. 
I  put  it  down  on  the  sofa  two  minutes  ago  and  it  has  now 
vanished  completely." 

"  It  has  flown  to  the  window-seat,"  she  said. 

"Ah,"  I  said,  "and  if  we  give  it  two  minutes  more  it 
will  fly  into  the  dining-room." 

"Never  mind,"  she  said;  "there  shall  be  A.B.C.'s  in 
every  room  till  you  depart  for  Faringham.  That 's  poetry." 

"But  it  has  no  relation  to  life,"  I  said.  "It  is  not 
sincere,  as  all  true  poetry  must  be." 

"  '  At  this  point,'  "  she  said  in  a  quoting  voice,  "  '  the 
lecturer  was  much  affected,  and  his  audience  showed  their 
ympathy  with  him  by  loud  cheers.'  Will  there  be  much 
of  that  sort  of  thing  ?  " 

"  There  will  be  a  good  deal  of  it,"  I  said  with  dignity. 
The  lecture  is  to  last  for  an  hour  exactly." 

"  A  whole  hour?  "  she  said.  "  Isn't  that  taking  a  mean 
advantage  of  the  Faringham  people  ?  " 

"  They,"  I  said,  "  can  go  out  if  they  like,  but  I  must  go 
on.  Francesca,  may  I  read  the  lecture  to  you,  so  as  to  see 
if  I  've  got  it  the  right  length?  " 

"  So  that 's  what  you  've  been  driving  at,"  she  said. 
"  Well,  tire  away — no,  stop  till  I  've  fetched  the  children  in. 
You  '11  have  a  better  audience  with  them." 

"  Need  those  innocent  ones  suffer  ?  "  I  said. 

"  They  are  young,"  she  said,  "  and  must  learn  to  endure." 

The  consequence  was  that  all  the  four  children,  from 
Muriel  aged  sixteen,  to  Frederick  aged  eight,  were  fetched 
in  and  told  they  were  going  to  have  a  treat  such  as  few 
children  had  ever  had ;  that  they  were  going  to  hear  a 
lecture  on  "  Poetry  in  its  Eelation  to  Life "  ;  that  they 
must  cheer  loudly  every  now  and  then,  but  not  interrupt 
otherwise,  and  that  there  would  be  a  chocolate  for  each  of 
them  at  the  end.  In  addition  Frederick  was  told  that  if 
he  felt  he  really  couldn't  stand  any  more  of  it  he  was  to 
leave  the  room  very  quietly,  and  that  this  wouldn't  interfere 
with  the  chocolate.  Thereupon  the  lecture  started.  At  the 
end  of  the  seventh  minute  Frederick  rose,  bent  his  body 
double  and  tiptoed  out  of  the  room.  He  was  a  great  loss, 
for,  as  Muriel  remarked  afterwards,  he  represented  two 
hundred  of  the  audience  of  a  thousand.  The  rest,  however, 
stuck  it  out  heroically,  and  danced  for  joy  when  it  came  to 
an  end  in  one  hour  exactly.  Frederick  was  afterwards 
discovered  writing  poetry  on  his  own  account  in  the  school- 
room. As  an  illustration  of  the  far-reaching  influence  of 
a  lecture  I  may  cite  two  of  his  stanzas : — 

Summer  is  coming, 
Then  the  bees  will  bo  humming, 

Birds  will  be  flying, 

And  girls  will  be  buying, 

And  boys  will  be  running ; 
Oh,  hail !     Summer  is  coming. 

Summer  is  coming, 
Then  the  fox  will  be  cunning, 
And  all  will  be  glad, 
And  none  will  be  sad, 
And  I  hope  none  will  be  mad, 
And  I  hope  none  will  be  bad  ; 
Oh,  hail !     Summer  is  coming  ! 

This  may  be  premature  and,  as  to  the  fox,  incorrect, 
since  he  requires  but  little  cunning  in  the  summer;  but 
there  is  a  good  BROWNING  flavour  about  it  which  redeems 
all  errors.  R-  C.  L. 


Commercial  Candour. 

' '  There  are  large  stocks  of  Tailor  Costumes  Beady-to-Wear,  in  the 
old  reliable  materials.     These  cannot  last  long." — Provincial  Paper. 


JANUARY  26,  1916.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


79 


Porter.  "LUGGAGE,  SIR?" 


Absent-minded  Old  Gentleman.  "No,  THANK  YOU.     I  HAVE  SOME." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
NOT  once  or  twice  have  I  paid  tribute  to  the  craftsman- 
ship of  Mr.  NEIL  LYONS,  generally  as  a  portrayer  of  mean 
urban  streets  and  their  inhabitants.  His  latest  volume, 
however,  Moby  Lane  and  Thereabouts  (LANE)>  finds  him  at 
large  in  the  Susses  countryside.  But  the  old  skill  and 
quick-witted  charm  serve  him  equally  in  these  different 
surroundings.  Mr.  LYONS,  as  I  have  noticed  before,  achieves 
his  ingenious  effects  not  only  by  the  quaint  unexpected 
things  he  says  but  equally  by  the  things  that  he  skilfully 
omits  to  say.  As  an  example  of  the  second  method  I  might 
cite  one  of  the  best  of  the  sketches  in  the  book,  that  called 
"  Viaduct  View,"  after  the  name  of  the  detestable  and 
dreary  little  house  which  a  loving  aunt  has  preserved  for 
the  problematical  return  of  the  nephew  who  would  cer- 
tainly not  endure  it  for  two  days.  This  shows  Mr.  LYONS 
at  his  best — sympathetic,  subtle  and  gently  ironical.  I  am 
not  saying  that  every  one  of  the  thirty-seven  chapters  is 
on  the  same  high  level.  "  Befriending  Her  Ladyship,"  for 
instance,  a  story  that  tells  how  a  cottage-dweller  repaid 
in  kind  the  interfering  house-inspection  of  the  lady  from 
the  Hall,  though  amusingly  told,  is  neither  original  in  idea 
nor  quite  fair  in  execution.  Throughout  I  found  indeed 
that  Mr.  LYONS'S  natural  good-humour  and  sympathy  were 
severely  tried  when  they  came  in  contact  with  squires 
and  the  ruling  classes ;  and  that  now  and  then  he  was 
unable  to  resist  the  temptation  to  burlesque.  But  for  one 
thing  at  least  he  deserves  unstinted  praise ;  I  know  of  no 
other  writer  who  can  transfer,  as  he  can,  the  genuine 


flavour  of  dialect  into  print.      Try  reading   some   of   the 
Moby  Lane  dialogue  aloud  and  you  will  see  what  I  mean. 

If   spacious   hobbies   make    for   happiness   then   is    Sir 

MABTIN  CONWAY  the  happiest  of  men.     He  has  been  before 

us  at  various  times  of  his  crowded  life,  now  as  an  undaunted 

j  peak-compeller   in   Alps  and   Himalayas,   or   skiing  over 

Arctic  glaciers,  or  pushing  forward  into  hazardous  depths 

;  of  Tierra  del  Fuego ;  now  sitting  authoritative  in  the  SLADE 

j  Chair  at  Cambridge,  or  contesting  an  election,  or  restoring 

an  old  castle,  or  picking  up  priceless  primitives  for  paltry 

pence  in  Paduan  pawnshops ;  and  always  as  a  resourceful 

!  author  setting  it  all  down  (in  a  couple  of  dozen  books  or 

so)  with  an  easy-flowing  pen  incapable  of  boring.    In  The 

Crorvd  in  Peace  and  .War  (LONGMANS)  he  makes  his  bow 

j  as  the  political  philosopher.      It  is  a  lively  essay  packed 

•  with  observation,  reflection,  modern  instances  ;  it  intrigues 

!  us  with  audacious   and   disputable   generalisations,   acute 

criticism,  and  a  liberal  temper.     Solemnity  and  dulness  are 

banished  from  it,  and  it  might  well  serye  as  a  light  pendant 

to  the  admirable  Human  Nature  in  Politics  of  Mr.  GRAHAM 

WALLAS.    Let  no  student  (and  no  mandarin  either)  neglect 

it.    And  we  others,  however  scornful  we  may  profess  to  be, 

are  all  at  heart  desperately  interested  in  the  confounded 

thing  called  politics,  and  can  all  appreciate  this  shrewd 

analysis  of  the  vices  and  virtues  of  the  crowd  "  which  lacks 

reagon  but  possesses  faith,"  whose  despotism  is  now  on 

trial  as  once  was  that  of  our  kings — "  unlimited  crowddom 

being  as  wretched  a  state  as  unlimited  monarchy."     As 

a  dose  of  politics  without  tears  I  unreservedly  commend 

this  book. 


80 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[JANUARY    26,    1916. 


I  am  like  Mr.  JACOBS'  Nigltt  Watchman;  it's  very  hard 
to  deceive  me.  I  had  read  only  a  few  pages  of  Miss  UNA 
SILKERRAD'S  The  Nijsterij  of  Barnard  Hanson  (HUTCHINSON) 
when  I  guessed  who  had  done  the  murder.  Unfortunately, 
when  I  had  read  a  few  pages  more,  I  found  that  I  had 
picked  the  wrong  person.  Then  I  accused  another  charac-  i 
ter  on  perfectly  good  circumstantial  evidence,  and  lie  was  i 
not  the  man.  After  that  I  decided  to  withdraw  from  the 
detective  business  and  let  Miss  SILBEHRAU  unravel  her 
mystery  for  herself.  If  you  are  of  the  opinion  that  a  woman 
cannot  keep  a  secret  read  Tlie  Mystery  of  Barnard  Hanson 
and  become  convinced  that  Miss  SILBEKRAD  at  least  is  an 
exception.  If  I  have  ever  read  a  more  perfectly  sustained 
mystery  novel  I  cannot  recall  it.  There  is  just  a  chance 
that  in  the  last  few  pages  you  may  get  on  the  right  track, 
but,  if  you  are  honest  with  yourself,  you  will  have  to  admit 
that  you  did  it  simply  by  a  process  of  elimination,  after 
you  had  made  an  ass  of  your- 
self and  arrested  every  innocent 
person  in  the  book  on  suspicion. 
I  think  it  is  Miss  SILBKBRAD'S 
manner  that  throws  the  de- 
tective reader  out  of  his  stride. 
She  is  so  detached.  She  con- 
veys the  impression  that  she 
herself  is  just  as  puzzled  as  you 
are,  and  that,  for  all  she  knows, 
liarmtrd  Hanson  may  have  been 
murdered  by  somebody  who  is 
not  in  the  book  at  all.  In  other 
words  she  gives  her  story  just 
that  reality  which  a  murder 
mystery  has  when  unfolded  day 
by  day  in  the  papers.  I  confess 
that,  when  I  unwrapped  the 
book  and  found  that  a  polished 
artist  like  Miss  SILBERKAD  had 
written  a  detective  story,  I  was 
a  little  shocked ;  but  I  need 
not  have  been.  There  are  no 
dummies  in  this  novel.  Each 
character  is  as  excellently  drawn 
as  if  delineation  of  character 
were  the  author's  main  object ; 
and  in  the  matter  of  style  there 
is  no  concession  to  the  tastes 


Mistress.  "I  SEE  YOU  HAD  A  CARD  FROM  YOUR  YOUNG  MAN 
AT  THE  FKONT,  MARY." 

Mary.  "  YES  'M.    AND  WASN'T  IT  A  SAUCY  ONE  !   I  WONDER 

IT    PASSED   THE    SENTRY." 


of  the  cruder  public  which  makes  murder  novels  its  staple 
diet. 

In  her  preface  to  Morlac  of  Gascomj  (HUTCHINSON)  Mrs. ' 
STEPNEY  RAWSON  apologizes  for  producing  an  historical 
novel  in  these  days  when  the  present  rather  than  the  i 
past  is  occupying  people's  minds.  But  a  good  historical 
novel  is  never  really  untimely,  and  Morlac  of  Gascony  is ' 
not  only  well  written  but  deals  with  a  period  of  English  ! 
history  not  often  exploited  by  the  historical  novelist — the! 
days  of  EDWARD  THE  FIRST,  when  the  future  of  England  as 
a  naval  power  rested  on  the  energy  and  determination  of 
the  sailors  of  the  Cinque  Ports.  Although  Jclian  Morlac, ' 
the  young  Gascon,  is  the  principal  character  in  the  story 
the  most  arresting  figure  is  that  of  EDWARD  himself,  as 
dexterous  a  piece  of  character-drawing  as  I  have  come  upon 
in  historical  fiction  for  some  time.  The  plot  is  cleverly 
constructed  to  throw  a  high  light  on  one  of  the  most  inter- 
esting personalities  in  the  history  of  the  English  monarchy. 
We  see  EDWARD  as  a  young  man,  wild,  reckless  and  brufal; 
thf.-n,  grown  to  his  full  powers  and  sobered  by  responsi- 
bility, making  by  sheer  force  of  character  something  abiding 
and  coherent  out  of  the  strange  welter  of  warring  factions 


from  which  Great  Britain  emerged  as  a  united  kingdom. 
Wales  was  a  hot-bed  of  rebellion,  Scotland  the  "  plague- 
spot  of  the  North,"  the  Cinque  Ports  on  the  verge  of  going 
over  to  France.  Only  a  strong  man,  with  strong  men 
under  him,  could  have  saved  England  then.  Morlac  of 
Gascony  is  not  the  easy  reading  which  many  people  insist 
on  in  novels  which  deal  with  the  past,  and  for  this  reason 
it  may  not  be  so  popular  as  some  historical  novels  of  far 
less  merit ;  but  if  you  are  prepared  to  make  something  of 
an  effort  to  carry  the  trenches  of  the  earlier  portion  of  the 
story  you  will  have  your  reward. 

I  suppose  that  what  a  CRAWFORD  doesn't  know  about 
Roman  society  may  fairly  be  dismissed  as  negligible. 
Therefore  the  name  of  J.  CRAWFORD  FRASER  (in  associa- 
tion with  Mrs.  HUGH  FRASER)  on  the  title-page  of  Her 
Italian  Marriage  (HUTCHINSON)  is  a  sufficient  guarantee 

that  the  local  colour  at  least  will 
be  the  genuine  article.  And  it 
happens  that  the  scheme  of  the 
tale,  the  union  between  a  Roman 
of  the  old  nobility  and  an  Ameri- 
can girl,  makes  the  local  colour 
of  special  significance.  It  was 
just  this  matter  of  doing  as  the 
Romans  do  that  Elsie  Trail t 
found  at  first  one  of  life's  little 
difficulties.  There  is  a  very 
pleasant  scene  of  the  dinner- 
party at  which  she  was  form- 
ally presented  to  her  husband's 
family  ;  tho  contrast  in  atmo- 
spheres between  that  of  the 
new-risen  West  and  that  of  the 
severely  Papal  circles  to  which 
Prince  Pietro  belonged  being 
suggested  most  happily.  I  wish, 
though,  the  authors  had  been 
content  to  leave  it  at  that,  as 
a  social  comedy  about  pleasant 
people  getting  to  understand 
one  another.  In  an  ill-inspired 
moment,  however,  they  decided 
to  have  a  dramatic  plot,  and 
truth  compels  me  to  say  that 
this  is  a  dreary  affair,  tricked 
out  with  such  dust-laden  devices  as  secret  marriages, 
missing  heirs  and  concealed  papers.  There  is  a  steward 
person  who  alternately  is  and  isn't  the  rightful  Prince,  as 
we  delve  deeper  into  the  revelations.  Finally,  if  I  followed 
the  intrigue  correctly,  the  long  arm  of  coincidence  brought 
it  about  that  Elsies  mother  was  the  eloping  wife  of  Pietro' s 
uncle.  Frankly,  all  this  bored  me,  because  we  readers 
could  have  been  so  much  more  profitably  engaged  in 
renewing  our  Roman  memories  under  such  expert  guidance. 
But  of  course  this  is  a  merely  personal  opinion,  which  you 
may  not  share.  . 


"AUSTRALIAN  CORPS. 

SYDNEY. — Timely  rains  have  suved  the  early  corps." 
The  later  ones  also  are  now  quite  recruited,  thank  you. 

"FRENCH  OFFICIAL. — Between  the  Argoime  and  the   Mouse  our 
heavy  huns  destroyed  an  enemy  blockhouse  in  the  region  of  Forge.-.." 

Evening  7Vy«r. 
Stout  fellows,  these  German  renegades. 

"  HENLEY  (near). — Gentleman  offers  land,  piggeries,  poultry -htiiiM.1- 
to  lady  or  gentleman  as  guest.     Pleasmt  home." — Tim  Lad;/. 
The  gentleman  to  the  lady :   "  Will  you  occupy  a  piggery  or 
a  poultry-house  ?  " 


2,    HI  Hi.  | 


PUNCH,   OR   TITK    LONDON    (.'IIA1M  V.MM. 


81 


CHARIVARIA. 

ACCORDING  to  the  Correspondent  of 
The  Din lii  Mil 1 1  who  described  the  fes- 
tivities at  Nisli,  the  King  of  BI.TUIAKTA 
"has  a  curious  duck  -  like  waddle." 
This  is  believed  to  be  the  result  of  his  i 


arguments  to  support  their  respective   existence  we  might  never  luivo  heard 
.     Here  we  have  another  instance   of   Mr.   GUTZON   BOKGLUU,    the   great 
of  the  fondness  of  learned  men  for  dis-    American  sculptor. 


puting  about  purely  academic  questions. 
Serbia  will  belong  to  the  Serbians. 

'"* 
An  American  gentleman,  who  started 


A  correspondent,  describing  the  re- 
cent food  riots  in  Berlin,  says  that 
they  were  chiefly  due  to  "  women  who 


effort  to  do  the  Goose-Step  while  avoid- !  out  to  visit  his  wife    when    she   was   were  fed  up  with  the  difficulty  of  pro- 
ing  the  Turkey-Trot.  staying   with    her   mother   and   failed   viding  meals  for  their  families." 

: .,. ;'  i  to  find  her  after  three   days'   search, ! 

Owing  to  the  extraction  of  benzol  excuses  himself  011  the  ground  that  he  The  following  notice  was  found 
and  toluol  from  gas  for  the  purpose  of :  had  forgotten  her  maiden  name.  He  affixed  to  a  building  somewhere  near 
making  high-explosives  it  is  stated  that '  puts  it  down  to  absence  of  mind  ;  and  the  Front :  "  SIR  OFFICERS, — Ask  the 


consumers  may  have  to  put  up  with 
some  decrease  in  illuminating  power. 
It  is  expected,  in  view  of  the  good 
object  involved,  that  the  announce- 
ment will  be  received  in  a  spirit  of 
toluoleration.  .,.  ... 


We  cannot  agree  with  the  actor  who 


complains  that  his  man- 
ager forbids  him  to  wear 
Ins  armlet  on  the  stage. 
The  sympathies  of  the 
audience  might  be  entirely 
deranged  by  the  discovery 
that  the  elderly  villain  was 
an  attested  patriot  while 
the  young  and  beautiful 
hero  was  either  ineligible 
or  a  slacker. 

•'? ' 

Describing  the  depressed 
condition  of  the  laundry 
trade  a  witness  at  the 
Clerkenwell  County  Court 
said,  "We  are  eight  million 
double  collars  short  every 
week."  It  is  shrewdly 
conjectured  that  they  are 
in  the  neighbourhood  of 
the  Front. 


his  mother-in-law  is  inclined  to  agree 
with  him.  .j.  ^ 

Soap  is  the  latest  article  to  be  placed 


on   the   list   of    absolute    contraband ;  rather  abrupt. 


bathroom's  key  to  the  office.  The 
bathroom  shall  be  wash  by  the  servant 
after  bath.  Sir  Officer  without  servant 
shall  not  have  the  key."  It  sounds 


and  it  is  now  more  certain  than  ever 
that  the  Germans  will  not  come  out  of 
the  War  with  clean  hands. 


*  * 


"THEY  OUGHT  TO   BE   AT  THE   FRONT.      1'HAT  'S    THE    SORT    THEY    WANT 
THERE." 

"THEY  WON'T  GO,  SIR.     THEY'RE  CONSCIENTIOUS  OBJECTORS." 


Owing  to  the  Government  demand 
that  nothing  in  the  way  of  unneces- 
sary expenditure  should  be 
allowed,  it  is  expected  that 
all  paid  lecturers  on  War 
Economy  and  National 
Thrift  will  be  given  a 
week's  notice. 

•f-      %• 

Opposing  a  suggestion  of 
the  Wandsworth  Borough 
Council  to  discontinue  the 
issue  of  fiction  from  the 
free  libraries,  a  member  of 
the  Women's  Freedom 
League  said  that  a  novel 
was  to  a  woman  what  a 
pipe  was  to  a  man.  Well, 
not  quite,  perhaps.  We 
never  saw  a  man  begin  a 
pipe  at  the  wrong  end. 


Nothing  in  the  course  of  his  Balkan 
pilgrimage  is  reported  to  have  pleased 
the  KAISER  so  much  as  a  steamer-trip 
on  the  Danube.  It  was  looking  so 
sympathetically  blue. 

*          •':• 

The  Government  is  going  to  close 
Museums  and  Picture-galleries  to  the 
public.  No  one  shall  accuse  us  of 
being  Apostles  of  Culture. 

*  * 
* 

It  is  said  that  the  Australian  and 
New  Zealand  soldiers  now  in  London 
are  very  fond  of  visiting  the  British 


In  view  of  the  impending  paper- 
famine  a  widely-circulated  journal  an- 
nounces its  readiness  to  receive  back 
from  the  public  any  parcels  of  old  copies 
marked  "  waste  paper."  In  the  opinion 
of  its  trade-rivals  the  inscription  .  is 
superfluous. 


V 


A  suggestion  has  been  made  by  a 
Registrar  in  Bankruptcy  that  the  Ter- 
centenary of  SHAKSPEARE'S  death  should 
be  celebrated  by  the  performance  in 
every  large  town  of  one  of  the  Bard's 
plays  ;  and  some  regret  has  been  ex- 
pressed that  anybody  should  take  ad- 


Museum,  and  take  a  particular  interest :  vantage  of  a   national    celebration  to 
in  the  Egyptian  antiquities.     But  it  is   " 
not  true  that  they  now  refer  to  England 
as  "  The  Mummy  Country." 


Austrians  and  Hungarians  are  said  to 
be  quarrelling  as  to  whether  the  occupied 
Serbian  territory  should  eventually  be- 
long to  the  Monarchy  or  the  Kingdom, 
and  the  jurists  on  either  side  are  ran- 


boom  his  own  business. 

'  # ' 
"  '  How  many  of  us  realise  that,  were 

it  not  for  America,  the  War  to-day  in 
Europe,  as  fought,  could  not  even 
exist  ?  '  "  is  the  question  put,  according 
to  a  New  York  correspondent,  "  by 
Mr.  Gutzon  Borglum,  the  great 
American  sculptor."  Still  the  War 


sacking  the    history   of    the   past   for  \  has   its   compensations.      But   for   its 


From  an  article  by  Mr. 
AUSTIN  HARRISON  in  The 
Sunday  Pictorial : — 

"A  few  strange  gentlemen  attitudinise  in 
Westminster  on  principle,  but  these  men 
would  cut  capers  of  principle  in  any  case,  like 
Mr.  Snodgrass  when  he  went  skating." 

Or  Mr.  Winkle  when  he  wrote  verses. 


'  In  the  Continental  boat-trains  the  warning, 
1  Licht  linauslehnen,'  has  not  been  removed 


from  the  windows 


Occasionally  you  see 


that   '  Nicht    linauslehnen '   has  been  indig- 
nantly pasted  over." — Provincial  Paper. 

The  latter  is   certainly  a  little  more 
German  than  the  other. 


After  a  description  of  the  new  light- 
ing order : — 

"The  regulations  will  impose  a  great  deal 
of  work  on  the  police,  and  it  is  the  duty  of  the 
public  to  make  it  as  light  as  possible." 

Hampshire  Observer. 

Liix,  in  fact,  a  non  lucendo. 


A  Lonely  Life. 

"Nothing  but  margarine  has  entered  my 
door  since  the  War  began." 

Dr.  C.  W.  SJLF.KBY  in  "Daily  Chronicle." 


82 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  2,  1916. 


THE    WATCH    DOGS. 

XXXIV. 

MY  DEAR  CHARLES, — We  're  having 
a  great  time  with  our  new  arrival,  one 
of  those  confounded  civilians,  who  are 
only  let  into  the  business  because  the 
business,  in  these  modern  and  highly 
complicated  days,  cannot  be  carried 
on  without  them.  He 's  a  jolly  old 
Lieutenant  of  about  fifty  years ;  he 
has  a  concentrated  experience  of  the 
world  but  doesn't  remember  having 
been  mixed  up  in  a  big  European  war 
before.  At  first  I  kept  on  telling  him 
that  business  is  one  thing  and  war  is 
another,  but  he  wouldn't  see  it  and 
persisted  in  doing  and  saying  and 
thinking  things  which  were  bound  to 
land  us  in  a  national  disaster.  He 
had  no  respect  whatever  for  the  Pass 
Memo.,  his  central  and  sole  idea  being 
to  push  along  with  the  elimination  of 
the  Bosch.  When  he  wanted  some- 
thing done,  he  just  went  to  the  Top- 
man  of  the  department,  called  him  "  I 
say,"  and  went  straight  to  the  point. 
The  Top-man  had  never  been  asked  to 
do  business  this  way  before. 

He  put  up  with  it  a  dozen  times  or 
so,  but  finally  he  had  to  take  steps. 
So  he  wrote  a  little  note  on  a  Buff 
slip  and  addressed  it,  very  rightly  of 
course,  to  the  Top-man  but  one  ;  and 
the  Top-man  but  one  read  it  and  passed 
it  very  carefully  to  the  Top-man  but 
two  ;  and  so,  with  that  inevitability 
which  is  the  hall-mark  of  the  system, 
it  was  passed  and  passed  and  passed 
until  it  came  (in  less  than  a  week)  to 
the  oliice  of  the  ancient  Lieutenant  on 
the  opposite  side  of  the  street.  And  it 
ran  :  "  Lieutenant  So-and-So  should 
be  notified  that  it  is  neither  necessary 
nor  desirable  that  he  should  call 
personally  at  this  office  to  transact 
his  business.  Matters  should  be  put 
forward  by  him  through  the  usual 
course  of  correspondence."  The  ancient 
Lieutenant,  who  wouldn't  hurt  any- 
body's feelings  for  the  world,  felt  that 
it  was  up  to  him  to  put  the  matter 
right.  So  he  stepped  across  to  the 
Top-man's  office,  and  when  the  Top- 
man  asked  him,  somewhat  pointedly, 
if  he  had  received  his  note,  the  Ancient 
very  genially  replied,  "  Yes,  thank  you," 
and  explained  that  he  had  just  looked 
in  personally  to  acknowledge  receipt  of 
same. 

It  sounds  as  if  a  dreadful  quarrel 
.would  be  raging  between  the  Ancient 
on  one  side  and  on  tho  other  the  Top- 
man,  the  whole  series  of  under-Top- 
men  and  all  persons  in  any  way  repre- 
senting the  military  system  You  'd 
expect  to  hear  that  the  Ancient's  con- 
versation at  mess  is  insubordinate, 
rebellious,  or  at  least  bitterly  sarcastic. 


No  such  thing ;  the  old  gentleman 
becomes  a  more  ardent  militarist  every 
day  ;  wants  to  see  once  for  all  an  end 
of  all  lawyer-politicians,  and  all  so- 
called  "business-men."  "We  have 
made  a  poor  show  of  being  civilians," 
is  his  point;  "let's  try  being  soldiers 
for  a  generation  or  two." 

On  the  whole  he  thinks  we  should 
find  it  easier  to  carry  on  as  a  British 
Empire  in  uniform  than  as  a  German 
province  in  mufti.  He  says  that 
what's  wrong  with  Prussian  Mili- 
tarism is  that  it  is  Prussian ;  to 
succeed,  the  thing  has  to  be  run  by 
gentlemen. 

A  Top-man  honoured  our  mess  the 
other  night.  Under  the  mellowing  in- 
fluence of  our  Curried  Bully  he  unbent 
somewhat  and  encouraged  the  Ancient 
on  his  pet  subject.  Under  the  influence 
of  the  latter's  theories  he  unbent  still 
further.  He  discoursed  upon  the  true 
inwardness  of  the  military  method  of 
running  an  office,  pausing  at  last  for 
the  Ancient  to  say  a  few  words.  "  Oh," 
said  he,  "  I  don't  allow  myself  to  be 
put  off  by  a  trifle  like  that.  There's 
many  a  kind  heart  behind  a  Buff  slip, 
and  we  all  have  our  little  weaknesses." 
The  idea  of  having  a  little  weakness 
was  so  novel  to  the  Top-man  that  it 
caused  him  to  choke  and  to  be  led 
from  the  mess,  eventually,  in  a  state  of 
nervous  exhaustion. 

The  latest  information  from  the 
trenches  goes  to  support  the  maxim 
that  all  one  requires  to  wage  war  is  a 
bold  face  and  a  gas  helmet.  A  very 
distinguished  O.C.  went  up  the  other 
day  to  inspect  the  trenches  of  his  com- 
mand and  to  express  such  views  of  their 
faults  and  the  faults  of  their  inmates 
as  might  occur  to  him  from  time  to 
time.  He  had  progressed  some  way 
up  the  communication  trench,  when 
it  struck  him  that,  whereas  his  recent 
order  had  been  particularly  menacing 
to  everyone  of  whatever  rank  who  was 
discovered  there  or  thereabouts  without 
a  gas  helmet,  nevertheless  he  himself 
was  at  that  moment  innocent  of  such 
furniture.  Fortunately  there  came  from 
the  opposite  direction  an  odds-and-end 
private,  with  nothing  in  his  favour 
except  the  wearing  of  the  well-known 
satchel  so  much  in  vogue  in  Flanders 
society  for  the  carrying  of  gas  helmets. 
That  was  enough  for  the  Commander; 
this  was  essentially  one  of  those  pri- 
vates to  be  called  "  My  man,"  and 
treated  as  such.  Politely  but  firmly 
he  was  requested  to  part  with  his 
satchel  as  a  temporary  loan  to  his 
General.  Firmly,  if  respectfully,  lie 
refused,  to  comply.  Them  was  his 
orders.  The  Commander  congratulated 
him  on  his  very  proper  attitude,  ex- 
plained to  him  the  nature  of  the  higher 


commands  and  demanded  the  satchel. 
The  man  looked  like  being  stony 
about  it,  but  the  Commander  became 
irresistibly  commanding  and  got  the 
satchel  at  last.  He  buckled  it  on,  and 
the  party  proceeded,  characterising  the 
reluctance  of  the  private  to  part  with 
his  treasure  as  almost  an  exaggerated 
sense  of  obedience  to  printed  orders. 

Gas  helmets  always  exercise  a  pecu- 
liar fascination  for  people  who  inspect 
trenches,  and  the  matter  was  now  espec- 
ially prominent  in  the  mind  of  the  Com- 
mander as  he  inarched  along,  outwardly 
appearing  to  be  at  his  happiest  here, 
inwardly  thanking  goodness  that  his 
home  was  elsewhere.  Conceive  his 
delight  to  discover  a  subaltern,  fresh 
from  ablutions,  with  no  satchel  upon 
him!  The  subaltern,  distinctly  aware 
of  this  amongst  his  many  failings,  was 
all  for  being  passed  by  as  insignificant ; 
the  Commander  was  all  for  a  scene. 
Everybody  halted,  and  the  air  became 
pregnant  with  possibilities  ...  It  was 
a  nicely  calculated  speech,- leading  up 
gradually  to  the  pointed  contrast  be- 
tween (<»)  overworked  Commander, 
weighed  down  with  responsibilities, 
absorbed  day  and  night  in  momentous 
matters  of  large  principle,  nevertheless 
infallible  on  smallest  detail  and  now 
in  possession  of  gas  helmet,  one,  and 
(b)  very  junior  subaltern,  free  to  enjoy 
the  open-air  irresponsible  life  of  the 
trenches,  yet  neglecting  even  the  few 
small  matters  entrusted  to  him,  with- 
out same. 

"And  what's  more,  Sir,  "he  concluded, 
"  I  doubt  very  much  whether,  if  some- 
one gave  you  a  helmet  now,  you  'd  know 
what  to  do  with  it.  Here,  take  mine." 
(The  attendant  Brass-hats  liked  the 
"  mine,"  but  very  discreetly  kept  their 
emotions  to  themselves.) 

It  was  not  a  peculiarly  clean  or  re- 
markably well- packed  satchel  which 
the  trembling  hand  of  the  disgraced 
subaltern  took  from  the  Commander, 
and  the  latter  did  not  intend  to  let 
attention  dwell  too  long  upon  the  grimy 
details  of  its  exterior.  Fixing  the  steel 
eye  of  conscious  rectitude  on  his  victim, 
he  leant  slightly  towards  him  and  very 
unmistakably  shout?d  at  him  the  one 
dread  word,  "  GAS!  "  .  .  .  Unfortunately 
for  the  Commander  the  subaltern  not 
only  knew  what  to  do  next,  but  also 
had  just  the  physical  strength  remain- 
ing in  his  fingers  to  start  doing  it. 
With  the  eyes  of  all  upon  him  (and  by 
this  time  there  had  gathered  round 
quite  a  nice  little  crowd,  thoroughly 
conversant  with  the  event  in  progress), 
1  the  subaltern  opened  the  satchel  alleged 
j  to  belong  to  the  Commander  and  took 
j  from  it — no,  Charles,  not  a  gas  helmet, 
but  a  pair  of  socks — and  sucli  socks  too! 
Yours  ever,  HENRY. 


prXGII,  OR  THE   LONDON   CHABIVABI.— FEBRUAB*  2,  1916. 


SINKING. 


84 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  2,  1916. 


ON    BELLONA'S    HEM. 

THE  MISFIRE. 

WHEN  I  entered  the  third  smoker 
there  was,  as  there  now  always  is,  a 
soldier  in  one  corner. 

Just  as    we   were   starting,  another 


In  the  far  corner  I  kept  my  eye  on 
my  book  but  my  ears  open.  1  c<,iild 
see  that  he  was  rushing  to  his  doom. 

"We  were  being  paid,"  he  went  on, 
"  and  the  quartermaster  asked  one  of 
the  men  if  he  did  not  wish  sixpence  to 
be  deducted  to  go  to  his  wife.  The 


or  miss  it.    '  You  'd  better  be  generous 
about     it,'    the    quartermaster     said ; 


'  every  little  helps,  you  know.'  " 


soldier  got  in  and  sat  in  the  opposite  j  man    said,    'No.'      'Why    not?'    the 
corner.      The   freemasonry    of    Khaki :  quartermaster   asked.     The   man  said 
immediately   setting   to   work,   within   he  didn't  think  his  wife  would  need  it 
two  minutes  they  knew  all  about  each 
other's  camp,  destination  and  regiment, 
and  had  exchanged  cigarettes. 

The  first  soldier  had  not 
yet  left  England  and  was 
stolid  ;  the  newcomer  had 
been  in  the  trenches,  had 
been  wounded  in  the  leg, 
had  recovered,  was  shortly 
going  back,  and  was  ani- 
mated. His  leg  was  all 
right,  except  that  in  wet 
weather  it  ached.  In  fact 
he  could  even  tell  by  it 
when  we  were  going  to 
have  rain.  His  "  blooming 
barometer "  he  called  it. 
Here  he  laughed — a  hearty- 
laugh,  for  he  was  a  genial 
blade  and  liked  to  hear  him- 
self talk. 

The  first  soldier  did  not 
laugh,  but  was  interested. 
He  thought  it  a  convenient 
thing  to  have  a  leg  that 
foretold  the  weather. 

"Which  one  is  it?"  he 
asked. 

"The  left." 

The  first  soldier  was  dis- 
proportionately impressed. 

"The  left,  is  it?"  he  said 
heavily,  as  though  he  would 
have  understood  the  phe- 
nomenon in  the  right  easily 
enough.  "  The  left." 

Completely  unconscious 
of  the  danger-signals,  the 
second  soldier  now  began 
to  unload  his  repertory  of 


"Oh,  yes,  I  see  that.  He  must  have 
been  very  rich.  Why  was  he  just  a 
private?  " 

"  I  don't  know." 

"  Funny  being  a  private  with  all  that 

money.  I  wonder  you  didn't  ask  him." 

"  I  didn't,  anyway.     But  you  see  the 

point  now.     No  end  of  a  joke  for  the 

j  quartern]  aster   to   try  and   get  a  man 

!  who  allowed  his  wife  four  thousand  a 

year  to  deduct  sixpence  a  week  to  send 

to  her !     I  thought  I  should  have  died 

of  laughing." 

The  first  soldier  remained 
impassive.  "  And  what  hap- 
pened ?  "  he  asked  at  last. 
"  What  happened  ?  " 
"  Yes,    what    was    done 
about  it  ?    The  sixpence,  I 
mean.      Did    he    agree    to 
send  it  ?  " 

The  second  soldier  pulled 
himself  together.  "Oh,  I 
don't  know,"hesaid  shortly. 
"  That 's  not  the  point." 

"  After  all,"  the  other 
continued,  "  the  regulations 
say  that  married  men  have 
to  deduct  sixpence  for  their 
wives,  don't  they  ?  " 

"  Yes,  of  course,"  the 
other  replied.  "  But  this 
man,  I  tell  you,  already 
gave  her  four  thousand  a 
year." 

"  That  doesn't  really 
touch  it,"  said  the  first 
soldier.  "  The  principle  's 

the  same.     Now " 

But  I  could  stand  the 
humiliation  of  the  other 
honest  fellow,  so  brimming 
with  anecdote  and  cheer- 
fulness, no  longer ;  and  I 
came  to  his  rescue  witli 
my  cigarette  case.  For  I 
have  had  misfires  myself 
too  often. 


IN  THE  TRENCHES  THE  COSTER  DEEAMS  OF  HAPPY  DAYS  TO  COME. 


stories,  and  he  started  off  with  that  excel- 1  He  paused.  "What  do  you  think 
lent  one,  very  popular  in  the  early  days  the  man  said  to  that?"  he  asked  his 
of  the  War,  about  the  wealthy  private,  new  friend.  "  He  said,"  lie  hurried  on, 


For  the  sake  of  verisimilitude  he  laid 
the  scene  in  his  own  barracks.  "A 
funny  thing  happened  at  our  place  the 
other  day,"  he  began.  He  had  evi- 
dently had  great  success  with  this  story. 
His  expression  indicated  approaching 
triumph. 

But  no  anticipatory  gleam  lit  the 
face  of  his  new  friend.  It  was  in  fact 
one  of  those  faces  into  which  words 
sink  as  into  a  sandbank  —  a  white, 
puffy,  long  face,  with  a  moustache  of 
obsolete  bushiness. 


". '  I  don't  think  I  '11  send  it.     You  see,  j 
I  allow  her  four  thousand  a  vear  as  it 


is. 


"Mrs.  Ruth  Roberts,  of  Folkestone,  cele- 
brates the  completion  of  her  103rd  year  to-day. 
She  is  one  of  a  family  of  twenty-two,  and  her 
father  fought  with  two  of  her  sons  at  Waterloo." 

Irish  Times. 

She  seems  to  have  been  very  young 
for  a  mother  when  these  family  dis- 
sensions occurred. 


"  I  thought  I  should  have  died  of  could  afford  to  allow  his  wife  four 
laughing,"  the  other  resumed,  utterly  thousand  pounds  a  year.  Four  thou- 
unsuspicious,  wholly  undeterred.  sand  pounds!  Do  you  see?" 


The   raconteur   laughed   loudly    and 
leaned  back  with  the  satisfaction — or 

at  least  some  of  it — of  one  who  has 

,    i-i       ,.  -i  ,    i -i  •,  "Will  you  allow  me  to  give  a  warning  to 

told  a  funny  story  and  told  it  well.          ;  Ford  owi>erg  who>  Hkc  m*self|  jack  upb  to 

But  the  other  did  not  laugh  at  all.  \  obtain  an  easy  start.     A  few  days  ago  I  was 
His  face  remained  the  dull  thing  it  was.    doing  so  as  usual  with  only  one  scotch.     The 

1  car  jumped  the  jack,  went  over  the  scotch, 
knocked  me  down,  ran  over  me,  tore  my 
clothes  to  rags,  bruised  me  all  over,  tore  my 
flesh  and  broke  my  collar-bone,  and  I  think  1 
got  off  very  lightly.  Of  course  that  will  not 
happen  to  me  again." — The  Motor. 

He  will  either  drink  the  Scotch  first  or 
not  have  one  at  all. 


;  You  see,"  said  the  story-teller, 
explaining  the  point,  "  there  are  all 
sorts  in  the  Army  now,  and  this  man 
was  a  toff.  He  was  so  rich  that  he 


FlOHHUARY    2,    1910.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


85 


THE   FAUNA   OF   THE    FRONT. 

CHIEF  among  the  fauna  of  the  Front 
is,  of  course,  the  Bosch,  a  subterranean 
animal  of  unpleasant  habits,  which  is 
now  classed  as  vermin.  He  has  been 
so  thoroughly  dealt  with  elsewhere 
that  1  shall  leave  him  on  one  side,  and 
c< inline  my  few  observations  to  smaller 
and  pleasanter  creatures.  The  remain- 
ing fauna  of  the  Front  are  (1)  mice; 
(2)  rats ;  with  a  few  interesting  extras, 
furred  and  feathered,  which  deserve 
more  serious  treatment  than  I  can  give 
them. 

At  home  the  mouse  is  regarded 
with  contemptuous  annoyance  as  a 
petty  but  persevering  thief ;  while  the 
rat  commits  his  grosser  depredations 
in  an  atmosphere  tinged  with  horror. 
Out  here  it  is  different,  for  \ve  are 
perforce  neighbours.  Indeed,  we  bipeds 
are  in  a  sense  trespassers  upon  the 
domain  of  the  subterranean  peoples. 
At  home  one  seldom  sees  a  rat  or 
mouse  save  from  above,  and  to  look 
down  upon  anything  is  invariably  to 
misjudge  it.  But  here  we  share  the 
hospitality  of  the  underground  and 
meet  its  freehold  tenants  on  a  level. 

From  the  earth  walls  of  the  sanctuary 
where  this  small  tribute  is  written 
mice  look  down  upon  our  table  with 
its  newspaper  cover,  diffidently  waiting 
for  us  to  finish  our  meal  and  permit 
them  to  dine.  We  regard  them  as  shy 
visitors — though  are  we  not  billeted  on 
them  ? — not  as  sneaking  thieves,  and 
by  the  light  of  our  candles  perceive 
how  sleek,  bright-eyed,  neat-handed 
and  agile  they  are.  In  one  dug-out  I 
know  a  certain  mouse  who  will  drop 
on  your  shoulder  and  sit  there  a  while 
in  the  friendliest  manner,  trying  in 
his  tiny  modest  way  to  play  the  host. 
Up  above,  in  the  open  air,  they  are  to 
be  seen  in  swarms  sharing  our  watch- 
fulness. This  gun  -  shaken  valley  is 
honeycombed  with  their  little  round 
funk-holes,  into  which  they  flash  at 
any  sudden  noise.  It  is  merely  going 
downstairs  where  we  are  all  at  home. 

The  social  instincts  of  the  rat  are 
less  highly  developed.  His  visible  visits 
to  the  mess  are  rarer,  but  we  overhear 
his  conversation  in  his  tunnels  that 
open  on  our  shelves,  the  patter  of  his 
pink  feet  across  the  canvas  overhead, 
and  the  muscular  squirming  of  his  body 
in  some  tight  place  about  the  sandbag 
wainscot.  Like  a  friendly  dog  he  trots 
about  your  dug-out  by  night,  bumping 
with  trustful  carelessness  against  the 
fragile  legs  of  your  rustic  bed.  You 
hear  him  crooning  to  himself  or  a  pal, 
in  his  content — a  placid,  complacent 
little  sound  very  different  from  the 
grating  squeak  or  squeal  of  the  unhappy 
Ishmaels  you  used  to  know.  Certainly 


Customer.  "I  SAY,  mis  CHICKEN'S  A  BIT  TOUGH.    WHEBE  DID  YOU  GF.T  IT?" 
Manager.   "THEY  COME    tp    IN    FRESH    LOTS    FROM    THE    COUNTEY    THREE    TIMES    A 
WEEK,  SIB." 

Customer.  "WEix,  THIS  MUST  BELONG  TO  GROUP  45!" 


he  will  help  himself  to  a  little  cake,  if 
such  a  thing  is  to  be  had,  for  he  feels 
at  home,  as  he  doubtless  wishes  you  to 
do.  If  you  do  not  care  to  share  your 
dainties,  you  can  hang  them  from  the 
roof. 

In  the  trenches  themselves  the  rat 
is  almost  a  domestic  animal.  Town 
rats  are  lean,  persecuted  and  vicious ; 
nobody  loves  them.  But  those  who 
hobnob  with  us  here  are  fed,  like  our 
Army,  on  Army  rations,  together  with 
more  than  their  share  -of  private 
luxuries,  and  consequently  are  stout 
and  contented-looking,  and  display 
none  of  the  ill-bred  and  disconcerting 
haste  of  the  hereditary  fugitive  of  our 
drains  and  cellars.  If  you  happen  to 
stand  still  and  silent  for  a  few  moments, 
you  will  hear  some  cheery  old  rascal 
come  sniffing  and  grunting  along  the 
parapet,  not  so  much  in  search  of  food 


as  to  enjoy  the  air — or  so  his  manner 
would  indicate. 

Between  the  Army  and  these  other 
dwellers  in  earths  and  burrows  there 
must  henceforth  be  a  bond  of  true 
sympathy. 

La  Gricc  Antique:  Hellas.  LaGrtce 
Modcnio :  Helas  ! 


of 


To   be   added   to   our   collection 
"  Glimpses  of  the  Obvious  "  : — 

"Wo  feel  moro  than  ever  that  the  Past  is 
all  behind  us  and  the  Future  all  in  front." 
Heading  Standard. 


From  a  trade  circular : — 

"Wo  are  installing  15  of  our  largest  size 
Patent  Fool-proof  Steam  Kettles  at  Woolwich 
Arsenal." 

Zeppelin  crews  please  note. 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


Ki:r,i;i-AUY  2,   1916. 


LAST    THOUGHTS    ON    GALLIPOLI. 

Oxc'K  more  sits  Mahomet  by  Holies'  marges 

And  smokes  at  ease  among  his  cypress- trees, 
Nor  snipes  from  scrubbcries  at  British  targes 

Nor  views  them  wallowing  in  sacred  seas, 
But  cleans  his  side-arms  and  is  pleased  to  prattle 

Of  that  great  morning  when  he  woke  and  heard 
That  in  his  slumbers  he  had  fought  a  battle, 

A  bloody  battle,  and  a  little  bird 
Piped  (in  the  German)  at  his  side,  and  said, 
"  The  something  infidels  have  been  and  fled." 

Cautious  he  crept  from  out  his  mountain-ditches, 

Down  the  long  gully,  past  the  Water  Towers ; 
]5y  Backhouse  Point  he  nosed  among  the  niches, 

But  they  were  hushed,  and  innocent  of  Giaours  ; 
Still  fearful  found  the  earthy  homes  we  haunted, 

Those  thirsty  stretches  where  the  rest-camps  were, 
Then  to  the  sea  slunk  on,  a  trifle  daunted 

By  wreathed  wires  and  every  sort  of  snare, 
And  came  at  last,  incredulous,  to  find 
The  very  beach  all  blasphemously  mined. 

Now  on  each  hand  he  eyes  our  impious  labels, 

BOND  STREET  and  EEGENT  STREET,  those  weary  ways; 
Here  stands  the  PINK  FARM,  with  the  broken  gables, 

Here  OXFORD  CIRCUS  marks  a  winding  maze  ; 
But  most,  I  ween,  in  scarred  grave-ridden  regions 

O'er  many  a  battle-scene  he  loves  to  brcod, 
How  Allah  here  was  gracious  to  his  legions, 

How  here,  again,  he  was  not  quite  so  good, 
Here  by  the  BBCCWN  HOUSE,  when  the  bombs  began, 
And  they — don't  mention  it — they  turned  and  ran. 

And  we  no  more  shall  see  the  great  ships  gather, 

Nor  hear  their  thundering  on  days  of  state, 
Nor  toil  from  trenches  in  an  honest  lather 

To  magic  swimmings  in  the  perfect  Strait ; 
Nor  sip  Greek  wine  and  see  the  slow  sun  dropping 

On  gorgeous  evenings  over  Imbros'  Isle, 
While  up  the  hill  that  maxim  will  keep  popping, 

And  the  men  sing,  and  camp-fires  wink  awhile, 
And  in  the  scrub  the  glow-worms  glow  like  stars, 
But  (hopeless  creatures)  will  not  light  cigars  ; 

Nor  daylong  linger  in  our  delved  lodges, 

And  fight  for  food  with  fifty  thousand  flies, 
Too  sick  and  sore  to  be  afraid  of  "  proj's," 

Too  dazed  with  dust  to  see  the  turquoise  skies ; 
Nor  walk  at  even  by  the  busy  beaches, 

Or  quiet  cliff -paths  where  the  Indians  pray, 
And  see  the  sweepers  in  the  sky-blue  reaches 

Of  Troy's  own  water,  where  the  Greek  ships  lay, 
And  touch  the  boat-hulks,  where  they  float  forlorn, 
The  wounded  boats  of  that  first  April  morn  ; 

Nor  wake  unhappily  to  see  the  sun  come 

And  stand  to  arms  in  some  Cimmerian  grot — 
But  I,  in  town,  well  rid  of  all  that  bunkum, 

I  like  to  think  that  Mahomet  is  not ; 
He  must  sit  on,  now  sweltering,  now  frozen, 

By  many  a  draughty  cliff  and  mountain  holt, 
And,  when  rude  fears  afflict  the  Prophet's  chosen, 

Gird  on  his  arms  and  madly  work  his  bolt, 
"While  round  the  heights  the  awful  whispers  run, 
"Tlif  bard  of  PUXCH  is  landing  with  )iis  gini." 


Condescension. 

"  THUOL-OH  STRESS  OF  WAI!  Biironct'u  Nicco  will  oiU'Eii  a  Gentta 
man's  HOUSKIIOLD." — The  Times. 


UNWRITTEN    LETTERS    TO    THE    KAISER. 

No.  XXXIV. 

(From  the  Frau  Professor  TISTEXKLECKS.) 
ALL-MIGHTIEST  KAISER, — With  the  humblest  assurance 
of  my  everlasting  respect  I  desire  to  lay  bare  to  you,  since 
you  are  without  doubt  the  Father  of  your  People,  my 
inmost  thoughts  as  to  this  terrible  War  in  which  we  have 
now  for  eighteen  months  been  engaged.  I  have  some  right, 
I  think,  for  my  husband  is  that  same  Professor  Tintenklecks 
whose  opitKCulinn  on  "  International  Law  in  Eelation  to 
World  Power  "  was  received  with  special  favour  by  your 
M;i  jesty,  who  summoned  the  beloved  writer  to  your  Palace, 
and  with  your  own  gracious  right  hand  were  pleased  to 
boat  him  with  some  force  on  his  back,  saying  that  "this 
Tintenklecks  is  a  tremendous  fellow,  and  there  should  be 
more  such  in  the  world."  How  well  I  remember  that 
evening — it  was  a  year  before  the  War — and  how  in  honour 
of  the  Professor  we  had  a  Poetry  supper,  at  which  each 
guest  recited  some  verses  of  praise,  and  at  the  end  little 
Amalic  Siegeltisch,  the  daughter  of  our  colleague,  placed  on 
the  brows  of  the  Professor  a  laurel-wreath  which,  however, 
pricked  his  with -much -hair -unadorned  head,  and  had 
therefore,  after  a  great  deal  of  pleasant  witticisms,  to  be 
taken  off. 

So  when  the  War  at  last  broke  out  my  husband  and  I 
were  amongst  the  loudest  Hosannah-shouters  and  singers 
of  true  German  patriotic  songs,  for  we  believed  then  that 
the  War  would  be  a  short  one,  and  that  after  a  few  great 
victories  we  should  make  a  brilliant  peace  on  our  own 
terms,  having  utterly  smashed  all  our  enemies  and  having 
taken  England's  war-ships  and  her  colonies  for  our 
own.  "  Long  he  cannot  last,"  said  my  Professor,  speak- 
ing of  the  War.  "  The  French  are  a  degenerate  race,  and 
we  shall  be  in  Paris  in  a  month.  The  English  are  given 
up  to  games,  and  their  mercenary  army — I  have  it  on 
the  highest  authority — cannot  for  a  moment  stand  against 
our  German  heroes.  The  Russians  are  slow  and  dis- 
organised and  useless  for  war.  For  me  you  need  not  be 
afraid,  my  dear.  In  this  war  a  man  of  my  age  will  not 
be  required."  So  he  spoke ;  and  now  where  is  he  and 
what  has  become  of  him?  He  has  lost  a  leg,  his  right 
hand  has  been  shot  through,  and  he  is  in  a  hospital  in 
Poland.  Shall  I  ever  see  him  again,  I  wonder. 

Well,  we  have  had  victories  in  plenty,  according  to  the 
Generals.  Every  time  we  move  from  one  place  to  another 
we  gain,  it  seems,  an  overwhelming  triumph  and  cause  to 
fly  every  one  who  is  opposed  to  us.  Twice  already  your 
Majesty  has  announced  that  before  the  leaves  fell  from  the 
trees  there  would  be  peace,  and  our  brave  soldiers  would 
return  safely  to  their  homes;  hut,  alas,  it  has  not  so  hap- 
pened, and  the  dreadful  fighting  still  goes  on,  and  many 
thousands  of  our  women  lose  their  fathers,  their  husbands, 
and  their  sons.  With  every  victory  (as  they  call  it)  peace, 
which  should  be  nearer  at  hand,  seems  to  retire  further  and 
further  away,  and  only  sorrow  and  wretchedness  come  close 
to  us.  And  that  is  not  all.  Our  food,  like  everything  else 
we  have  to  buv,  is  so  dear  that  we  women  find  it  above  all 
things  difficult  to  provide  ourselves  with  what  we  need  for 
our  daily  life,  and  the  worst  of  it,  they  say,  has  not  yet  come. 
I  could  understand  that  if  we  had  been  defeated ;  but  we 
have  been  ever  victorious  and  yet  we  are  in  want.  It  is 
useless  for  Pastor  Hassmann  to  tell  us  on  Sundays  that  wo 
must  endure  to  the  end.  We  are  prepared  to  do  what  we  can, 
but  we  think,  too,  that  since  we  have  been  so  magnificently 
victorious  we  should  have  peace  quickly,  so  that  we  may 
all  once  more  try  to  have  some  happiness  in  this  world. 
I  remain,  in  the  deepest  devotion, 

Your  loyal,         KUXEGUXDE  TINTEXKLECKS. 


FEBBUABY  2,  1916.]  PUNCH,   OR    THK    LONDON    CM  AIM  VA  I!  I. 


87 


MR.    PUNCH'S    POTTED    FILMS.      THE    DOMESTIC    DRAMA. 

WHAT   A    LITTLE   CHILD   CAX   DO. 


"  MU5IMY,    WHERE   DOES   DADDY   GO   EVERY   NIGHT 
AFTER   DINNER?  " 


ALAS  !   HE  GOES  TO  THE  ELYSIAX  CLUB — 
NUMBER  301A,  SOHO  SQUARE. 


"  HULLO,  DADDY!    I 'SB  COME  TO  SEE  'oo." 


THE  CLUB  is  SURROUNDED  BY  THE  POLICE. 


'  WE  ARK  THE  CARETAKER'S  LITTLK  CIIII.DHKX. 


WHAT  A  LITTLE  CHILD  CAN  DO. 


88 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[Fi;miUAiiY  2,  1916. 


- 
m 


'  WOT 'S   COME   OVKR  YOUNG    GlNGEK?" 

'Ow!    TIIKIIE'S  NO  TOUKIN'  TO  'IM  SINCE  'is  BEUVVER  TOOK  UP  wiv  LORD 


MEDITATIONS  OF  MARCUS  O'REILLY. 

LUCY. 

WE  called  her  Lucy  because  she  came 
from  the  country  and  "  dwelt  on  a  wide 
moor."  We  never  knew  her  real  name. 

She  came  like  a  ray  of  sunlight  into 
our  dull  sordid  town  once  a  week  with 
immaculate  white  apron,  wearing  a 
cap  of  an  older,  honester  world,  carry- 
ing a  basket  of  delicious  country  butter 
made  up  in  appetising  rolls.  On  the 
clean  napkin  which  covered  the  top  of 
the  basket  always  reposed  a  huge  door- 
key,  "  to  keep,"  she  said,  "  the  butter 
from  turning."  And  the  white  hair 
of  her  and  those  wonderful  blue  eyes 
which  looked  you  through  and  through  ! 
No  wonder  my  wife  was  in  love  witli 
her  and  refused  from  that  time  to  eat 
the  dull  town-grocer's  wares. 

My  wife  often  muses  as  to  the  real 
cause  of  the  general  superiority  of 
dwellers  in  the  country  over  the  apolo- 
gies for  humanity  who  live  in  towns. 
She  says  it  is  moral  fibre.  She  conies 
from  the  country  herself  and  is  quite 
unbiassed.  For  me  I  think  it  must  be 
living  so  much  amongst  sheep  and 
lambs  and  woolly  things. 


I  shouldn't  have  said  myself  that  our 
town  butter  was  without  fibre,  but  this 
is  a  matter  of  taste. 

My  wife  would  often  close  her  eyes 
when  eating  Lucy  and  conjure  up 
pictures  of  her  own  simple  girlhood 
days,  of  the  country  rectory,  of  the 
rooks  singing  matins  and  vespers  in 
the  trees.  Country  people  often  get  like 
this  over  an  egg  at  breakfast.  I  didn't 
eat  Lucy  myself,  as  my  taste  is  ruined 
by  my  vicious  town  breeding  ;  besides, 
Lucy  was  a  luxury  in  war-time,  anil 
Dossett's  Genuine  Creamery  has  for 
me  a  meatier  savour. 

Cecilia  always  gave  Lucy  more  than 
the  market  value  for  her  butter  and 
a  cup  of  tea  besides,  while  they  chatted 
occasionally  over  things  dear  to  rural 
hearts,  accidents  by  flood  and  field, 
turnips  and  parochial  vestries.  My 
wife  used  to  marvel  at  the  superior 
firmness  of  Lucy's  butter,  which  was 
ever  the  same,  Lucy's  explanation  being 
that  she  had  a  wonderfully  cool  hand. 

Our  local  inspector,  a  man  of  the 
latest  and  most  scientific  knowledge, 
confirmed  this  statement.  In  intro- 
ducing Lucy  to  our  resident  magistrate 
he  said  she  was  the  coolest  hand  lie 


had  ever  known.  It  was  a  bad  case. 
It  had  ten  per  cent,  tco  much  of  this, 
and  fifteen  per  cent,  too  much  of  that,  j 
and  the  rest  was  the  cheapest  mar- 
garine and  stirring.  There  wasn't  a 
cow  within  five  miles  of  her  place  and 
he  didn't  believe  she  had  ever  seen  one. 
We  haven't  met  Lucy  since.  My 
wife  says  that  WORDSWORTH  was  often 
taken  in,  just  like  that.  And  she  has 
heard,  anyhow,  that  Lucy  was  born  in 
Bradford.  So  that  it  proves  nothing. 


Hymn  for  Volunteer  Corps  digging 
trenches  for  the  defence  of  London : — 

"O  Parados  1  O  Parados  1  'tis  weary  work- 
ing here  !  " 

"  The  baby  should  go  out  every  day,  except 
when  it  is  storming." 

Neiv  York  Sunday  Herald. 

In  that  case  try  a  wind-pill. 

"To-day's  Russian  communique  says  : — 
In   Persia,   on    the   road   to   Kermanshah, 
wo  have  occupied  the  town  of  Kangavar. 

Note. — Kangavar  is  a  town  of  15j}  inhabit- 
ants in  the  Province  of  Ardilan." 

Aberdeen  Evening  Express. 

This  is  carrying  accuracy  to  an  extreme, 
even  for  Scotland. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI.—  FKBHUART  2,  191G. 


••  ,•  -- .  _.. . 

-i.-   --•  .  •  -      -  -••••.--.  -  *•.'* 

,      'jf*£r       ..    '  '•  -Vs^.. 

:';--'rn'} -j:'-  s  "  •-'•  •  -.hj.:v --H»'C  '•      '    '• 

S^I-'^SS 

.   -  ~   .- 


THE   CHALLENGE. 


"HALT!      WHO    COMES   THERE?1 


"NEUTRAL." 


"PROVE    IT!" 


["  \Yhat  I  would  say  to  Kcutrals  is  this :    Do  they  admit  our  right  to  apply  the  principles  which  wero  applied  by  the 

Government  in  tho  War  between  North  and  South— to  apply  thoso  principles  to  modern  conditions  and  to  do  our  best  to  pre\ 

with  the  enemy  through  neutral  countries  ?    If  the  answer  is  that  we  arc  not  entitled  to  do  that,  then  I  must  say  definitely  that  it  is 
departure  from  neutrality." — Sir  KDWAKD  GREY.] 


American 
revcnt  trade 
a 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  2,  1916. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTRACTED  FROM  TUB  DlARY  OP  TOBY,  M.P.) 

House  of  Commons,  Monday,  Janu- 
ary 24th.  —  At  Question  time  House 
crowded  in  response  to  urgent  Whip 
issued  in  anticipation  of  division  on 
Third  Reading  of  Military  Service  Bill. 
Members  ready  to  vote ;  disinclined  to 
remain  to  hear  speeches,  delivered  on 
Second  Beading  and  Committee  stages, 
reiterated  by  small  minority  on  Report. 
Thus  it  came  to  pass  that  when  on 
stroke  of  half-past  nine  this  milestone 
passed,  Benches  were  almost  empty. 

Filled  up  when  Third  Reading 
moved,  and  debate  lamely  set  on  foot 
again.  WALTER  LONG,  who  has  greatly 
helped  BONAR  LAW  in  his  successful 
management  of  Bill,  set  good  example  by 
moving  Third  Reading  without  addi- 
tional word  of  comment  or 
argument.  Example  thrown 
away.  More  last  words 
spoken  under  embarrassing 
accompaniment  of  private 
conversation  and  other  signs 
of  impatience. 

Shortly  after  eleven  o'clock 
division  taken,  revealing  ex- 
istence of  solid  minority  of 
three  dozen.  Oddly  enough, 
whilst  rattling  majority  on 
Second  Reading  was  hailed 
with  enthusiastic  cheering, 
that  on  Third  Beading  was 
heard  in  silence,  Members 
hurrying  off  in  search  of 
taxis. 

Business  done. — By  maj- 
ority of  347,  in  House  of  419 
Members,  Military  Service 
Bill  read  a  third  time  and 
passed  on  to  Lords. 


"  certain  leaders  who  have  surrendered 
a  precious  principle  and  in  so  doing 
arc  undermining  the  authority  and 
existence  of  the  whole  Liberal  Party." 
Still,  though  prospect  was  gloomy,  he 
would  not  despair. 

"The  Liberal  Party,"  he  said,  "will 
rise  again  "  (HALSBURY  shook  his  head 
doubtfully)  "and  will  shed  the  leaders 
who  have  deserted  it." 

Having  thus  delivered  his  soul  WEARY 
ONE  did  not  challenge  a  division. 

Business  done. — Military  Service  Bill 
read  second  time  without  division. 

House  of  Commons,  Wednesday. — 
Once  more,  the  last  time  in  history  of 
session  of  unparalleled  length  and  im- 
portance, House  crowded.  Peers'  Gal- 
lery full.  From  Diplomatic  Gallery 
the  United  States,  Norway,  Sweden, 
Denmark  and  Holland,  represented  by 


country,  whether  military,  naval  or 
financial,  is  at  the  disposal  of  our 
Allies  in  carrying  on  the  War  against 
Prussian  militarism. 

"  With  them,"  he  confidently  but 
still  quietly  said,  "  we  will  see  it 
through  to  the  end." 

Speeches  following  expressed  general 
satisfaction  with  this  statement,  supple- 
mented by  one  addressed  to  neutrals. 
Courteously  assured  them  of  desire  not 
to  make  things  unnecessarily  irksome. 
But  pointed  out  that  in  the  matter  of 
preventing  supplies  reaching  the  enemy 
by  circuitous  routes  Great  Britain  has 
her  own  work  to  do  and  means  to  do 
it  thoroughly. 

Business  done. — Resolution  advocat- 
ing effective  blockade  talked  out. 

Thursday.  —  Parliament  prorogued. 
Reversing  CHARLES  LAMB'S  conscien- 
tious habit  at  the  India  Office, 
where,  having  arrived  late, 
he  made  up  for  it  by  going 
away  early,  Parliament,  hav- 
ing toiled  through  exception- 
ally long  Session,  treats  itself 
to  briefest  possible  recess. 
Reassembles  15th  February. 


Diana  Up  to  Date. 

"  ^MANAGERESS  (35),  thorough 
business  woman,  accustomed  to 
control  sta».'' 

\\'<mtcn's  Emploi/inent. 


From  an  account  of  the 
reception  of  British  soldiers 
in  Rome : — - 

"As  the  hour  for  departure  ap- 
proached the   band  played  alter- 
Marcia   Reale ' 


REDUCED  IMPORT  OP  PAPER :  WHAT  WE  MAY  COME  TO. 

Mr.  Runciman.  "An,    WELL,  ONE  MISSES   THE   OLD   WEALTH  OF    lately  the    •  Marcia   Roale '   and 

FLATTERY  ;    STILL,  ONE  MUST  MAKE  SACRIFICES  FOR  ONE'S  COUNTRY  !  "      '  Rule,  Britannia,'  while  OUT   111011 

sang  '  Tipperary.'    — The  Times. 

their  Ministers,  looked  on,  eagerly  list- '  We  fear  the  proceedings  were  not  so  har- 

House  of  Lords,  Tuesday—  Military  |  ening.  j  monious  as  we  had  been  led  to  suppose. 

Service  Bill  turned  up  for  Second  Read-  j     Resolution,  moved  by  SHIRLEY  BENN,  j 

ing.     Full  attendance  and  a  gathering  '  urged  Government  to  enforce  against,     "  GENTLEMAN'S  SHOOTIXG  ESTATE  for  Sale, 
of  Commoners  in  their  pen  above  Bar  j  enemy  a  blockade  as  effective  as  pos-  ;  24°  acres'  or  would  Let  on  Le:ls(l :  "ear  London 
seemed  to   indicate  important  debate,  sible.     In  one  of   his   comprehensive,   ] 
Turned  out  to  be  only  less  dull  than  quietly  delivered  and  powerful  speeches   &h°otmg  the^rcl 

that   which   slumbered   round   closing  I  EDWARD  GREY  showed  that  situation       "245AM. When  Grossmith  lit  a  cigarette 

stage   in  the  Commons.     LANSDOWNE  is  not  so  easily  managed  as  amateur   someone  said,  '  This  is  all  right.    We  bring  a 


pluckily  endeavoured  to  give  note  of  diplomatists  below  the  Gangway   be- !  civilian  here,  and  he  lights  up  within  hailing 

novelty  to  topic  by  saying  "not  what  lieve,  or  as  fractious  newspapers,  bent   distance  of  the  (ici-maiis.  ... 

j.i        To-ii  i     i.        i     A    =1  i  »  T  ii       /~i  -c\      2.46  P.M. — Grossmith  put  out  his  cigarette, 

the  Bill  was  but  what   it   was  not.  on  damaging  the  Government  even  it  Dailii  Mirror 

Even    this    ingenious  device  did  not  the  Empire  falls,  assert.     Explained  in  '  NQW  tha(.  toba(JCO  ig       •       up'again  it 
succeed  in  investing  proceedings  with  detail  steps  taken  by  Foreign  Office  to  ;  would   ))0  a  bo(m  tob  smokers  if   Mr 

deal  with  it.     Housejistened  critically  |  G](OSSMITH  would  toll  us  how  he  koops 


anything  approaching  animation. 

The  WEARY  WEARDALE,  who  through 
long  public  life  has  tried  in  succession 
both  branches  of  the  Legislature  and 


,  .         ,  mi  ice         i       ^JlDnJOOOU.  I.  a    >vvjLii^i    utMi    wo    uu*>     no    in 

hut  approvingly.      Took   note  of   fact         {  •       fol.  twelye  hom.g_ 

that  FIRST  LORD  OF  ADMIRALTY  em-  j 

phatically  cheered  denial  of  one  of  the  !     ,,  The  fire  which  broko  out  at  Bergen  on 


found    them     equally     withered,     was  [  malicious  rumours  current — that  in  the    Saturday  was  mastered  by  three  o'clock  on 
doubtful  whether  the  measure  would  task  of   preventing   supplies   reaching  j  Sunday  morning.    About  400  buildings  mostly 

nv   the    Foreign    Office    snoils  ;  vcrv  ™luable  property,  were  destroyed.     The 
iiv    lilo    -CUiLiuii    winee    hnuua  ,  _._,-. ,.  .._  * — u:~u  — — ~  u,,...,i-  j~,.*«  ;~ 


appreciably  affect  its  avowed  purpose 
of  increasing  number  of  men  with  the 
Colours.  With  instinct  of  good  Liberal 


the  enemy 

the  work  of  the  Navy. 


Sharp,  almost  angry  burst  of  cheer- 


value  of  the  houses  which  were  burnt  down  is 
about  £1,111,111,  and  the  total  damage  is 
estimated  at  £5,555,555." 

Kilinbttrgh  Evening  Xt-i 


— in  his  time  PHILIP    STANHOPE  was  I  ing   greeted  passage  towards  close  of 

known  in  the  Commons  as  an  almost  |  speech  in  which  FOREIGN  SECRETARY   The  exactitude  of  these  figures  would 

dangerous  Radical — he  turned  and  rent  j  declared  that  maximum  effort  in  this   convince  even  an  insurance  company. 


FEBHUAB*  li,  l(Jld.] 


I'i'XCIf,   Oil   T1IK    LONDON    <'IIAIMV. 


/•'<>*/  Lady.  "THAT'S  ONE  OF  THEM  AUSTRALIAN  SOLDIERS."' 


Second  Laiij.  "  How  DO  YOU  KNOW  ?  '' 


First  I,culij.  "Way,  CAN'T  YOU  SEE  THE  KANGAROO  FEATHERS  IN  HIS  HAT?' 


THE  PLEA  OF  THE  HOMELESS. 

MOST  of  the  petitions  from  natives 
which  find  their  way  into  print  for  the 
removal  of  the  white  man's  gravity 
hail  from  our  Indian  Empire.  But 
the  Balm's  monopoly  can  be  assailed. 
The  following  recent  and  genuine  ex- 
ample is  from  West  Africa: — 

"  To  Sir  -  — ,  Commander  of 

tin'  New  M'crk  Sho2>s. 

"  Sir,  read  to  the  end  ! 

"DEAU  BRITISH  COMMANDER  OF 
IXFLUKNCK, — I  am  with  cordial  grati- 
tude to  put  this  pen  before  you, 
saying  since  I  came  down  from  my 
native  land  I  had  been  trie  for  a 
house,  even  by  rentable,  but  none  for 
mo  in  that  village,  where  I  Hove  still. 
But  a  certain  friend  of  mine  do  ad- 
vice me  to  stay  with  him,  during  the 
last  December  up  to  now.  And  yet 
that  young  man's  wife  has  come 
f  mm  his  native  land,  with  these  there 
is  no  room  before  me  at  all.  There- 
fore I  wisli  with  my  lowly  voice  to 
ln'fj  your  honour  to  find  me  even  a 
half  house  of  your  kitchen  at  any 
place  where  you  like,  or  either  the 


same  place  where  I  am.  By  your 
own  desire.  Please  Sir  if  not !  try 
and  get  me  a  boards  such  as  a  glass 
packing  cases  and  a  few  planks  for 
poles.  But  Sir  I  know  myself  very 
well,  that  it  will  be  very  difficulty 
before  you,  simple  because  you  have 
none  of  carpenters.  Therefore  do 
try  by  your  own  authority  to  supply  \ 
me  those  boards  and  planks,  and  I 
shall  find  myself  a  joiner  as  a  day 
contract  to  build  it  for  me !  because 
my  elder  brother  also  shall  help. 
Therefore  dear  Lord  I  hope  you  shall 
give  ear  for  my  lowly  speak  and ; 
then  have  mercy  on  your  meekly  j 
servant  with  good  reply.  I  have  the 
most  honour  to  be  Sir 

"  Your  humble  Clerk." 


The  Zeal  of  the  Convert. 
Sir  THOMAS  WHITTAKER,  M.P.,  as  re- 
ported by  The  Yorkshire  Evening  Post : 

"  Objection  to  compulsion  on  principle  was 
all  nonsense.  Compulsion  was  the  only  safe- 
guard wo  had  against  anarchy,  barbarism, 
law,  order,  justice,  and  freedom." 


For  "  Ineligibles  "  only. 

"WANTED,    Bricklayers    for    pointing 
houses  at  Belvedere  ;  pcacowork." 

Provincial  Paper. 


12 


Commercial  Modesty. 

"M.  JACOB  &  CO., 

CONFECTIONF.R  AND  GLACIEB. 

Pastry  of  sorts/' 

Madras  Mail. 


Cromwelliana. 

"  On  Friday  last  a  centenarian  passed  away 
at  Whithall,  Galway,  in  the-  person  of  Mrs. 
Catherine  Hyncs,  who  had  attained  the  re- 
markable age  of  102.  Tho  old  lady  had  a 
remarkably  retentive  memory,  recalling  with 
case  incidents  which  occurred  three  generations 
ago.  Her  recollection  of  Cromwell's  campaign 
was  particularly  clear." — Connncht  Tribune. 

"  The  other  alien  peer  is  the  twelfth  Viscount 
Taaffo,  of  the  Irish  peerage,  an  Austrian  sub- 
ject, as  his  predecessors  have  been  since  their 
estates  were  confiscated  by  Cromwell  after  the 
Battle  of  the  Boync."— Simday  Times. 

The  late  Mrs.  HYNES  was  perhaps  the 
authority  for  this  statement. 


"ALLIES'  WARSHIPS 
KEEP  TURKS  ON  TENDER  HOOKS 
AT  GALLIPOLI." 
Ex2)ress  and  Echo  (Exeter). 

This  is  rather  hard  on  the  enemy, 
who  thought  the  Allies  had  taken  their 
hook  long  ago. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  2,  1916. 


AT    THE    FRONT. 

HOME  again !  The  base  softened  its 
heart  on  the  very  morning  on  which  I 
had  practically  decided  to  attend  a 
parade  next  day  if  I  were  called  in 
time,  and  released  me  with  an  enor- 
mous command  to  conduct  to  the  War. 
I  told  the  senior  N.C.O.  at  the  station 
of  entrainment  that  I  would  regard 
him  as  personally  responsible  if  he 
dropped  any  of  the  men  on  the  line  or 
under  the  engine  on  the  way  up,  and' 
was  just  off  to  look  for  food  when  tho 
E.T.O.  told  me  the  train  was  due  out 
in  two  minutes.  After  making  quite 
sure  that  he  wasn't  a  Major  I  reminded 
him  that  for  that  matter  the  War  had 
been  due  to  be  over  last  September; 
also  that  I  had  used  some  of  his  trains 
before  and  that  he  couldn't  teach  me 


two-pennyworth  about  them  I 
known  from  childhood. 
This  I  said  courteously 
but  firmly,  and  thereafter 
felt  better  and  bought 
eight  boiled  eggs,  a  ham 
sandwich  made  so  hastily 
that  the  ham  came  to  be 
altogether  omitted,  three 
oranges,  and  a  large 
mineral-water.  The  train 
was  in  the  station  for 
three-quarters  -  of  -ail-hour 
after  I  returned.  I  passed 
the  time  pleasantly  by 
walking  up  and  down  in 
front  of  the  E.T.O. 

And  now  I  am  here. 
Glory  apart,  I  could  think 
for  a  long  time  without 
hitting  on  anywhere  beast- 
lier to  be  except  perhaps 


hadn't 


think,  continuously  for  ten  hours.  A 
very  inferior  officer — not  I — has  in- 
vented a  recipe  for  the  ten-hour  day 
which  may  appeal  to  some  similarly 
loose-ended  officer.  You  take  an  air- 
pillow  and  lie  with  your  gum-booted 
feet  on  it  till  the  position  becomes 
intolerable ;  then  you  remove  the  pillow, 
sit  up  and  pick  the  mud  off  it.  When 
it 's  clean  you  do  the  same  thing  again. 
One  tour  of  this  duty  will  take  an  hour 
if  you  are  conscientious.  Its  inventor 
claims  that  it  makes  the  sun  fairly 
bustle  down  the  sky. 

There  are  advantages  in  solitary 
feeding.  Haven't  you  ever  wanted, 
when  confronted  with  a  lunch  tongue, 
to  hack  out  all  the  nice  tonguey  bits 
for  yourself  and  leave  the  bully  beef 
parts  to  be  used  for  soup  or  some  other 
domestic  economy  ?  Well,  I  hack  out 


the  tonguey  bits  every  day.     True,  I 


two  coils  of  barbed  wire,  and  a  maul. 
You  could  just  make  out  the  man  under 
it  all  as  he  stumbled  erratically  along 
a  mud-ridden  track. 

"  'Ello,  Steve,"  says  the  digger, 
"  wot 's  yer  game  to-night  ?  " 

Steve  stopped  for  a  second  to  look  at 
his  interrogator  and  then  observed 
genially  as  lie  moved  on, 

"  Oh,  just  killin'  time,  you  know." 


Officer.  "  WHY  DO  YOU  THINK  HE  WOULDK'T  MAKE  A  GOOD  CORPORAL? 
Sergeant  (indicating  sentry),  "'la  A  CORPORAL!    LOB  LUM.MK  ! 
is  NAME'S  CLARENCE  !  " 


just  the  other  side  of  a  breastwork 
thirty  yards  off  where  the  Bosch 
has  been  dropping  heavy  crumps  in 
threes  with  monotonous  regularity 
since  an  indecent  hour  this  morning. 
I  have  been  partly  asleep,  partly  wait- 
ing for  one  to  drop  thirty  yards  short. 
There  is  no  .one  to  talk  to  except  a 
chaffinch,  who  thinks  of  nothing  but 
his  appearance.  If  I  thought  of  mine 
I  should  go  mad.  I  am  wet  under  and 
through  and  over  everything — wet,  not 
with  rain,  but  with  mud.  You  have 
heard  that  there  is  mud  in  Flanders  ? 

But  the  worst  part  really  is  the 
number  of  hours  in  a  day ;  we  have  as 
many  as  ten  nowadays  in  which  move- 
ment is  simply  not  done.  Where  dawn 
finds  you,  dusk  releases  you.  That  is 
here ;  I  believe  we  have  some  real 
trenches  somewhere  behind.  But  we 
of  the  ten  hours'  stretch  run  out  of 
employment  early  in  tho  morning  and 
remain  there  the  rest  of  the  day.  Of 
course  you  can  eat —  if  your  rations 
pjally  came  up  last  night — but  not,  I 


usually  have  to  eat  the  bully  beef  parts 
next  meal,  but — «  la  guerre  comme  a 
In  i/nerre — -I  always  might  have  been 
casualtied  between  meals,  and  then 
think  what  a  fool  I  'd  feel  over  my 
failure  to  make  the  most  of  the  first. 

I  've  come  to  the  conclusion  that 
this  Army  isn't  really  fair.  Some 
regiments  I  've  met  always  seem  to 
be  doing  three  weeks'  rest  down  at 
Boulogne  or  Nice  or  somewhere  like 
that.  Thrice  and  four  times  have  I 
come  and  come  back  to  this  battalion, 
and  every  blessed  time  they've  been 
either  in  trenches  when  I  arrived,  or 
situated  directly  behind  the  trenches 
and  going  up,  it  might  be,  to  make  some 
more. 

Sometimes  we  go  up  to  dig,  some- 
times to  carry,  sometimes  both.  On 


TERCENTENARY  TWITTERINGS. 

THE  letters  that  follow  are  only  a 
small  selection  from  those  that  have 
been  inadvertently  forwarded  to  us  in 
response  to  the  appeal  of  Tho  West- 
minster Gazette  for  suggestions  as  to 
the  most  appropriate  method  of  cele- 
brating SHAKSPEARE'S  tercentenary : — 

A  HINT  TO  GREATER  BRITAIN. 
The  name  of  the  new  capital  "of  the 
Australian  Common- 
wealth is  not  irrevocably 
fixed,  and  it  seems  to  me 
that  a  splendid  oppor- 
tunity is  now  offered  our 
brethren  overseas  to  com- 
memorate the  genius  of 
the  foremost  British  man 
of  letters  by  linking  his 
name  with  the  new  Anti- 
podean metropolis.  I 
should  not  venture  to 
dictate  the  exact  form 
which  it  should  take,  but 
"Willshake"  seems  to  me 
to  meet  the  requirements 
of  the  case  very  happily, 
though  the  claims  of 
"Avonbard"  also  deserve 
consideration. 
PHILLIBEHT  BARKER. 


BIRD  AND  BARD. 

As  SHAKSPEARE  overtopped  all  other 
men,  so  should  his  memorial  tower  over 
all  other  monuments.  I  cannot  help 
thinking  that  the  re-erection  of  the 
Wembley  Tower  in  the  form  of  a 
gigantic  swan  soaring  into  the  empy- 
rean to  the  height  of  say  two  or  three 
thousand  feet  would  prove  a  satisfactory 
solution  of  the  problem.  Whether  it 
should  be  Hack  or  white  is  a  question 
which  might  bo  referred  to  a  small 
committee  of  experts,  such  as  Sir 
SIDNEY  LEE,  Sir  HERBERT  THEE  and 
Miss  MARIE  COKKLLI. 


P.S.— A    good 


MILE  END. 
alternative    method 


of     celebrating    the     tercentenary     of 
SHAKSPEARE   would   be  the   execution 


the  night  of  my  re-arrival  I  went  up  011  Shakspeare  Cliff,  at  Dover,  of  a  col- 
with  the  digging  party,  and  have  the  ossal  portrait  of  the  immortal  dramatist, 
honour  to  report  the  following  conver- '.  somewhat  on  the  scale  of  the  famous 
sation  between  a  certain  one  of  our  "  White  Horse."  Once  the  outline  had 
diggers  and  a  friend  who  loomed  up  been  marked  out  by  a  competent  artist 
carrying  about  four  engineer  dug-outs, '  the  rest  of  the  work  could  be  easily 


KKIIKUAUY  '2,  191  (i.  | 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON'    CIIAIMVMM. 


HOW   TO    TALK   TO    THE    WOUNDED. 

"WHAT  THE  BOSCHE8   CAN'T  STAND,   YOU   KNOW,    MA'AM,    IS   COLD   STEEL." 
"YES,    I   SUPPOSE   IT  GETS    VERY  COLD   THIS   TIME  OP  YEAB." 


completed  gratis  by  the  Volunteers,  and 
the  total  cost  would  be  negligible. 

A  FRUGAL  SUGGESTION. 

I  venture  to  think  that  no  better  way 
of  paying  homage  to  the  genius  of 
SHAKSPEABE  could  be  devised  than  for 
all  the  newspapers  throughout  the 
country  to  devote  their  best  pages  on 
tho  day  to  suitable  extracts  from  his 
works.  This  arrangement  has  the 
extra  inducement  of  being  economical 
as  well  as  appropriate. 

REGINALD  JOBSON, 
Registrar  in  Bankruptcy. 

A  GREAT  SCIENTIST  SPEAKS  OUT. 

"What  we  want  is  to  convert  SHAK- 
SPKARE  into  a  genuine  educational  in- 
strument, and  that  is  impossible  so 
long  as  he  is  only  available  in  his 
present  archaic  form.  A  new  edition 
of  the  Plays,  purged  of  their  classicism 
and  romanticism  and  expressed  in 
language  of  scientific  accuracy,  is  per- 
emptorily demanded  in  the  interests  of 
national  efficiency.  X.  BAY,  F.R.S. 

A  FASTIDIOUS  CRITIC. 

You  ask  me,  "What  are  my  own 
personal  plans  in  connection  with  the 
anniversary?"  It  is  on  record  that  a 


very  distinguished  divine  stayed  in  bed 
on  the  day  following  the  announcement 
of  the  death  of  Lord  BEACONSFIELD,  so 
as  to  avoid  the  horrid  temptation  of 
reading  what  was  said  about  him  in 
the  newspaper,  which  was  the  divine's 
J  pet  aversion.  I  propose  to  follow  this 
excellent  example  on  Shakspeare  Day. 

T.  H. 

AMERICA'S  GREATEST  POET  SENDS 
GREETING. 

From  across  the  stormy  ocean, 
Prompted  by  a  deep  emotion, 

I  despatcli  my  salutation  on  a  card ; 
For  although  I  cannot  meet  thee 
In  the  flesh,  I  still  can  greet  thee, 

WILLIAM  SHAKSPEARE,  as  a  worthy 
brother  bard. 

In  these  times  of  stress  and  passion, 
When  the  sword  is  all  the  fashion, 
Only  minstrelsy  can  keep  the  world 

in  tune ; 

For  the  poet  is  a  healer, 
And  both  WILL  and  ELLA  WHEELER 
Are  a  blessing  and  a  comfort  and  a 
boon. 

A  CEMETERIAL  CELEHRATION. 
No  memorial  to  SHAKSPKARE  can  be 
adequate    which   does    not   express   in 


some  concrete  shape  the  universality  of 
his  appeal.  This  end  might  be  attained 
by  erecting  a  cenotaph  in  his  honour 
in  every  churchyard  and  cemetery  in 
England.  I  admit  that  such  a  scheme 
would  cost  money  and  so  might  be 
contrary  to  the  spirit  of  economy  which 
ought  to  animate  everyone  at  this  hour. 
But  a  beginning  might  be  made  even 
now,  and  I  have  composed  a  Funeral 
March  in  Hamlet  the  proceeds  of  which 
I  would  gladly  devote  to  the  purpose, 
ALGERNON  BROOKWOOD. 


A  Short  "Way  with  Lecturers. 

"  To-morrow  the  Central  Methodist  Mission 
will  celebrate  the  anniversary  of  its  rescue  and 
social  work.  The  Sisters  of  the  people  are  to 
take  part  in  tho  morning  service,  and  in  tho 

afternoon  Mr. is  killed  for  an  address  on 

•The  Social  Outlook."' 

Sydney  Daily  Telegraph. 


The  KAISER  to  FERDINAND  : — 

1 '  I  have  begged  your  Majesty  to  accept  the 
dignity  of  Prussian  Field-Marshal,  and  I  am 
with  my  Amy  happy  that  you,  by  accepting 
it  also  in  this  sense,  have  become  one  of  us." 

Irish  Paper. 

GERMAN  EMPRESS  to  her  husband : 
"  And  who  is  Amy?  " 


ITXCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  2,  1916. 


AT    THE    PLAY. 

"  PLEASE  HELP  EMILY." 
THE  clute  at  which  Emily  needed 
so  much  assistance  was  clearly  ante 
bellnm,  for  there  is  no  mention  of 
hostilities,  no  gun-fire  is  heard  from 
the  direction  of  Westende,  and  Belgium 
is  still  bathing.  But  it  must  have  been 
only  just  before  the  War,  for  the  eman- 
cipation which  the  female  sex  here  en- 
joys is  marked  by  an  extreme  modernity. 
A  decade  or  two  ago  we  might  have 
been  shocked  at  the  spectacle  of  a 
young  lady  turning  up  at  a  bachelor's 
flat  at  9  A.M.  on  a  Sunday  in  a  ball- 
frock,  after  a  night  cut  at  a  dancing- 
club.  Lately  we  have  learnt  to  bear 
such  escapades  without  flinching.  But 
it  was  not  so  with  Emily's  guardian,  Sir 
Samuel  Letlibridrje,  very  Victorian  in  his 
stuffy  prejudice  in  favour  of  the  decen- 
cies ;  and  it  was  necessary  to  put  him 
off  with  a  tale  of  her  sudden  departure 
to  Brussels  to  render  iirst  aid  to  an 
aunt  stricken  with  mumps.  In  order 
to  give  colour  to  this  fabrication  Emily 
urges  Dick  Trotter,  the  bachelor  of  the 
flat  (as  soon  as  he  returns  from  his 
own  night  out),  to  conduct  her  to 
the  alleged  invalid.  He  consents,  but 
not  without  protest,  for  he  is  a  rou&  of 
the  old  school  and  cannot  approve  of 
these  platonic  adventures ;  besides,  he 
is  about  to  se  ranger  by  marriage  with 
somebody  else  and  (a  matter  of  detail, 
but  most  inconvenient)  is  under  con- 
tract to  take  her  to  Brighton  for  the  day. 
A  fairly  preposterous  start,  you  will 
say;  yetthedelightful  naturalness  which 
Miss  GLADYS  COOPER  and  Mr.  CHARLES 
HAWTHEY  bring  to  the  situation  gives 
it  almost  an  air  of  possibility.  But, 
once  we  are  at  Ostend,  and  have  been 
introduced  to  Trotter's  incredibly  in- 
appropriate fiancee  (she  is  a  niece  of 
the  same  aunt  and  has  followed  under 
protection  of  a  tame  escort),  we  are 
prepared  to  launch  freely  and  fearlesslv 
into  the  rough  and  tumble  of  farce. 

It  is  in  vain  that  Miss  GLADYS 
COOPER,  over  her  petit  dejeuner,  pre- 
serves a  natural  demeanour,  even  to 
the  point  of  talking  with  her  mouth 
full ;  the  light  humour  of  the  First  Act 
declines  to  the  verge  of  buffoonery. 
The  devastating  confusions  which  en- 
sue in  the  matter  of  identity  and  re- 
lationship (in  our  author's  Ostend  you 
assume,  till  corrected,  that  all  couples 
are  married) ;  the  intervention  of  the 
local  gendarmerie,  headed  by  a  British 
detective ;  the  arrest  of  half  the  party 
(including  the  aunt,  arrived  in  perfect 
health  and  ignorance  en  route  for 
England)  on  a  nameless  charge  in 
connection  with  Emily's  suspected 
abduction  —  all  this  is  in  the  best 
Criterion  manner. 


In  the  Third  Act,  though  we  never 
recover  the  rapture  of  the  First,  the 
humour  touches  a  higher  level ;  but  what 
it  gnins  in  1'messe  it  loses  in  spontaneity. 
Here  we  meet  Emily's  father,  returned 
from  lecturing  in  the  States  on  social 
ethics.  The  scandal  of  his  daughter's 
conduct  leaves  him  indifferent,  for  a 
long  and  varied  experience  of  the  morals 
of  many  lands,  in  the  course  of  which 
he  has  married  as  many  as  eighteen 
wives,  having  made  a  point  of  adopting 
for  the  time  being  the  system — poly- 
gamous or  other — of  the  country  in 
which  he  happens  to  find  himself,  has 
taught  him  that  nothing  is  right  or 
wrong  except  as  local  opinion  makes 
it  so.  We  are  allowed  to  gather  that 
heredity  may  have  had  some  influence 


tffn 


EMILY  GIVES  DICK  THE 
GLADYS  EYE. 

Richard  Trotter  .  Mr.  CHAELES  HAWTBEV. 
Emily  Delinar  .  .  Miss  GLADYS  COOPEB. 

in  the  moulding  of  Emily's  character ; 
and  if  we  may  hope  for  its  continuance 
into  the  next  generation  there  seems 
every  prospect  that  the  children  she 
may  bear  to  Trotter  (now  released  from 
Julia  and  free  to  marry  the  right 
woman)  will  not  have  their  develop- 
ment hampered  by  excess  of  prudery. 

Mr.  CHARLES  HAWTREY  as  Trotter 
played  with  his  old  easy  skill  and 
seemed  to  take  a  more  than  visual 
interest  in  the  play.  He  was  sup- 
ported (as  they  say)  by  a  par- 
ticularly brilliant  cast,  including  Miss 
LOTTIE  YENNE  as  the  aunt,  Mr. 
ERIC  LEWIS  as  Emily's  father,  Mr. 
FREDERICK  KERR  as  Sir  Samuel,  Miss 
HELEN  HAYE  in  the  thankless  part  of 
Julia,  and  Mr.  NIGEL  PLAYFAIR  as  a 
self-effacing  phantom  of  a  lover.  All 
were  in  great  form  ;  but,  next  to 
Miss  GLADYS  COOPER,  whose  natural 
charm  and  ingenuous  cspieylerie  were 


a  perpetual  delight,  I  offer  my  pro- 
foundest  compliments  to  the  short  but 
extraordinarily  clever  performance  of 
Mr.  H.  E.  HIONETT  as  Trotter's  man 
Francis.  This  is  the  day  of  stage 
valets,  but  he  was  an  exceptional 
treasure.  To  a  quiet  taste  for  philo- 
sophy he  added  an  infinite  tact ;  and  by 
the  lies  which  ho  poured  into  the  tele- 
phono  to  cover  his  master's  breach  of 
engagement  to  Julia  he  moved  Emily, 
herself  a  gifted  artist,  to  admiration. 

The  author,  Mr.  H.  M.  HARWOOD, 
must  be  congratulated  on  a  farce  that 
at  its  best  was  really  excellent  fun. 
And  ho  may  take  it  for  flattery,  if  he 
likes,  when  I  say  that  a  good  deal  of 
his  dialogue  might  be  adapted  into  the 
French  without  offending  our  gallant 
Allies  on  the  ground  of  a  too  insular 
squeamiahness.  O.  S. 


THE   INDUEATiON. 

THINK  not,  dear  love,  because  my  cheek 

With   grief   grows  neither  grey  nor 

hollow, 
Because  no  pharmacist  I  seek 

In  quest  of  arsenic  to  swallow, 
Because  I  do  not  wince  and  weep 

By  day  and  night  for  cardiac  pains, 
That  my  fond  passion  falls  on  sleep, 

Or,  secondly,  my  worship  wanes. 

For  these  are  strenuous  days  of  strife 

That  steel  the  soul  of  every  Briton  ; 
Sterner  and  stronger  grows  our  life 

Till  simple  bards  become  hard-bitten ; 
So  when,  each  Thursday,  I  propose 

(As  usual)  to  wed  my  fair, 
I  frankly  find  her  changeless  "  No's" 

Not  half  so  poignant  as  they  were. 


From   an   almanack   of  appropriate 
quotations : — 

"JANUARY   27. 

Thursday. 

German  Emperor  born,  1859. 
0  welcome,   pure-ey'd   Faith,    white-handed 

Hope, 

Thou  hovering  angel,  girt  with  golden  wings. 

Milton." 

"  If  men  well  up  in  years  would  cultivate  a 
habit  of  breathing  properly  and  always  holding 
themselves  erect  when  walking  and  sitting,  we 
would  find  fewer  elderly  people  bent  double 
when  we  do." — Daily  Express. 
Our  gay  contemporary  has  been  caught 
bending  on  this  occasion. 

"He  asked  the  Government  not  to  muzzle 
the  ox  that  laid  golden  eggs." 

Tlie  Daily  Argosy  (Demcrara). 

It  wasn't  really  an  ox ;  it  was  a  bull. 


From  a  country  retail  chemist's 
appeal  to  the  Local  Tribunal  for  his 
son's  exemption  from  Military  Service : 
"  I  cannot  dispense  with  him " — or, 
presumably,  without  him. 


FKHHUAUY  2,  1916.]          .    PUNCH,    Oil    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


95 


ONCE    BIT,    TWICE    SHY. 

Sporting  Lawyer.  " IF  YOU'LL  TAKE  MY  ADVICE  YOU'LL  COME  TO  THE  BRIDGE!" 

Old  Fanner.  "  NA  FF.AB  !     SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE  FOB  T'  ADVICE?  I'D  RATHEB  CHANCE  A  DUCKIS'." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
WHEN  Hargrave  Ladd,  who  was  a  solicitor  in  a  very  fail- 
way  of  business,  with  an  agreeable  but  unemotional  wife, 
happened  to  be  getting  into  an  omnibus  at  the  moment 
when  Stella  Eayne  fell  off  the  top  of  it,  he  unconsciously 
put  himself  in  the  way  of  a  lot  of  bother.  Naturally,  as  a 
gentleman  and  the  male  protagonist  of  a  novel — Let  Be 
(MirrHfEN) — he  could  do  no  loss  than  pick  the  girl  out  of 
the  mud  and  see  her  home  in  a  cab.  Whether,  quite 
strictly  speaking,  he  need  have  called  next  day  to  see  how 
she  was  getting  over  the  accident  is  another  matter. 
Certainly  his  interfering  aunt,  Mrs.  Dering,  was  of  tbe 
opinion  that  Hargravc,  as  a  married  man,  was  displaying 
nn  excess  of  courtesy  towards  the  pretty  tumbler.  As  for 
Miss  SYBIL  CAMPBELL  LETHBBIDGK,  who  has  written  the 
talc,  she  gives  no  indication  of  her  views  one  way  or  the 
other.  Indeed  this  attitude  of  humorous  tolerance  for 
humanity  is  Miss  LETHBBIDGE'S  most  striking  characteristic. 
It  is  at  once  a  source  of  strength  and  weakness  to  the  book, 
making,  on  the  one  hand,  for  the  reality  of  the  characters, 
and,  on  the  other,  for  a  certain  non-conductiveness  of  at- 
mosphere that  robs  their  emotions  of  warmth.  Anyhow, 
the  inevitable  happens,  and  Haryravc  falls  in  love  with 
Stella,  who  in  turn  reciprocates  his  passion  up  to  almost 
the  last  page  in  the  book,  when,  having  come  to  the  edge 
of  the  precipice  and  made  every  preparation  for  her  leap 
into  the  gulf  of  elopsment,  she  does  a  mental  quick-change 
and  walks  away  as  the  contented  betrothed  of  Another.  So 
Hunjrure,  making  the  best  of  a  good  job,  rejoins  Mrs.  H. ; 
and  one  may  suppose  that,  if  any  more  distressed  damsels 


fall  off  omnibuses  in  his  presence,  he  will  prudently  "let 
be."  You  may  think  with  me  that  this  abrupt  finish 
lessens  the  effect  of  an  otherwise  well-written  and  enter- 
taining story. 

Miss  MURIEL  HIKE  in  The  Individual  (LANE),  essaying  a 
problem  novel,  does  not  disdain  the  old-fashioned  way  of 
the  woven  plot  and  the  dramatic  incident.  Her  hero,  Orde 
Taverncr,  surgeon  by  trade  and  eugenist  by  profession,  falls 
in  love  with  Elizma,  a  Cornish  oeauty  and  rare  fiddler. 
His  inquiries  as  to  her  eugenical  fitness  having  been 
answered  satisfactorily  but  inaccurately,  he  marries,  to  find 
that  Elizma's  mother  really  died  insane.  His  principles 
conquer  his  desire  for  children,  and  his  decision  is  com- 
municated to  the  fiery  Elizma,  who,  fierce  maternalist 
that  she  is  and  coming  of  a  wild  stock  that  never  stuck 
at  anything,  undertakes  a  desperate  flirtation  by  way 
of  solving  the  difficulty  in  her  own  heroic  way — at  least  you 
will  certainly  make  this  kind  of  a  guess,  but  on  investigation 
you  may  find  that  you  've  been  wrong !  Happily  in  the 
end  a  deathbed  confession  proves  the  second  version  of  her 
birth  as  inaccurate  as  the  first.  She  really  comes  of  quite 
untainted  stock,  so  the  eugenist  is  satisfied  and  husband 
and  wife  reconciled.  That  is  to  say  the  author  runs  away 
from  her  problem,  which  was  perhaps,  all  things  considered, 
the  wisest  thing  to  do.  She  has  some  eye  for  character 
and  has  made  a  good  thing  of  her  Elizma,  but  has  let  her- 
self scatter  her  energies  over  a  team  too  large  to  be  driven 
with  a  sure  hand.  And  why,  oh  why  did  she  drag  in  the 
War?  Or  call  her  butler  Pufflcs?  But  she  keeps  the 
interest  of  her  story  going,  and  you  mustn't  skip  or  you 
|  may  be  set  off  on  a  hopelessly  wrong  tack. 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  2,  1916. 


So  great  is  my  admiration  for  the  humorous  gifts  of  of  supplies  is  at  last  being  made  good.  The  evidence  is 
Mr.  WILLIAM  CAINE  and  so  strong  my  gratitude  to  him  ithe  more  complete  because  not  only  do  we  learn  of  the 
for  such  books  as  Boom  and  Old  Enough  to  Know  Better,  interrogation  of  many  prisoners,  but  because  a  long  extract 
that  I  have  decided  to  erase  from  my  memory  with  all  from  the  diary  of  one  of  them,  an  Austrian  officer,  is 
possible  speed  his  latest  effort,  Bildad  the  Quill-Driver  included,  to  point  the  difference  in  spirit  between  the  two 
(LANE).  A  man  with  so  many  bull's-eyes  to  his  credit :  armies.  The  demoralisation  of  the  Austrian  forces,  even 
may  be  forgiven  an  occasional  miss ;  and,  to  be  candid,  when  advancing,  is  so  strikingly  presented  that  one 
Bildad  the  QttiU-Drirer  seems  to  me  to  come  nowhere  ;  cannot  doubt  their  dependence  on  German  domination 
near  the  target.  Most  of  Mr.  CAINE'S  work  would  be  the  <  and  German  batteries  to  hold  them  together  at  all. 
better  for  a  certain  amount  of  condensation,  but  this  is  Although  Professor  PARES  attaches  several  excellent  maps, 
the  only  occasion  on  which  he  has  really  lost  control  of :  he  is  not  really  much  concerned  with  questions  of  strategy, 
his  pen.  He  has  had  the  unfortunate  idea  of  writing  a  but  has  devoted  himself  to  just  two  points — moral  and 
comic  Arabian  Nights  in  close  imitation  of  the  style  of  the  munitions, 
original  translation,  even  to  the  insertion  of  short  poems 
at  every  possible  opportunity.  Now,  this  is  one  of  those 
ideas  which  at  first  blush  would  seem  to  contain  all  the 


elements  of  delightful  humour  ;  but  it  has  the  deadly  flaw 


I  am  afraid  that  Mrs.  HODGSON  BURNETT  is  in  a  little 
danger  of  overdoing  it.  She  knows  (who  better  ?)  the 
briskness  of  the  popular  demand  for  long-lost  heirs  ;  and 


that  it  involves  a  monotony  which  becomes  after  a  few  she  may  well  have  argued  that  the  longer  he  has  been  lost, 
pages  more  than  irritating.  For  a  while  the  novelty  is  ,  the  more  squalid  his  present  environment,  and  the  more 
entertaining,  and  then  the  reader  becomes  crushed  by  the  brilliant  his  heritage,  the  more  assured  would  be  the  heir's 
realisation  that  he  has  got  to  rely  for  his  amusement  on  the  welcome.  Perhaps  indeed  this  may  be  so  in  America  ;  but 


How  A  PRUSSIAN  ST.  GEORGE  WOULD  HAVE  DOME  IT. 


same  sort  of  joke  repeated 
over  and  over  again  for 
more  than  three  hundred 
pages.  And,  once  that 
happens,  the  doom  of  the 
book  is  sealed,  for  the 
adventures  of  Bildad  are 
not  in  themselves  divert- 
ing— his  love-affair  with 
the  giantess  is  as  unfunny 
a  thing  as  ever  I  yawned 
over — and  if  you  cease  to 
chuckle  at  the  burlesque 
pomposity  of  the  style 
there  is  nothing  left. 
There  are  some  things 
which  do  not  lend  them- 
selves to  sustained  parody, 
and  the  manner  of  the 
Arabian  Nights  is  one  of 
them.  But,  as  I  say,  I  am 
not  going  to  allow  this  book  to  shake  my  opinion  that 
Mi-.  CAINE  is  one  of  our  most  engaging  humorists. 

I  recommend,  absolutely  without  reserve,  a  war  book 
entitled  Day  by  Day  with  the  Russian  Army  (CONSTABLE). 
It  is  written  by  Professor  BERNARD  PARES,  the  Official 
British  Observer  with  the  Russian  Annies  in  the  Field, 
and  is  the  real  thing.  Although  incidentally  it  is  to  be 
praised  as  a  modest  and  lucid  piece  of  writing,  well  in 
keeping  with  the  character  of  an  author  whose  habit  of 
viewing  an  action  from  the  most  dangerous,  because  the 
most  interesting,  point  can  be  discovered  only  by  reading 
between  the  lines,  primarily  it  is  to  be  prescribed  as  a 
sovereign  tonic  against  German-made  depression.  The 
writer,  after  being  present  at  the  conquest  of  Galicia  and 
the  triumphant  advance  to  the  top  of  the  Carpathians,  after 
witnessing  much  of  the  historical  Russian  retreat  under 
pressure  of  overwhelming  artillery  superiority,  and  after 
conversing  freely  with  his  friends  of  all  ranks  on  different 
sectors  of  the  Front  whilst  offering  greetings  in  the  name 
of  their  English  comrades  in  arms,  announces  finally,  in 
a  wholly  satisfactory  fashion,  his  unalterable  conviction 
as  to  the  unqualified  supremacy  of  our  Allies  when  on 
anything  like  equal  terms  with  their  opponents  as  regards 
munitions  of  war.  And  that  is  a  matter  which,  though 
never  in  doubt,  it  is  pleasant  to  hear  again  in  tones  of 
authority  at  a  time  when  we  believe  the  Russian  lack 


for  this  side,  as  I  say,  I 
have  my  doubts.  I  dare- 
say your  own  intuition 
will  tell  you  that  the  hero 
of  The  Lost  Prince  (Hoo- 
DER  AND  STOUGHTON)  is  a 
prince  who  has  been  lost. 
In  fact  so  effectually  had 
the  branch  of  the  regal 
house  to  which  Prince 
Ivor  belonged  been  mis- 
laid that  the  story  opens 
upon  him  dwelling  in  a 
London  slum  with  no 
companions  but  a  myste- 
rious father  and  a  crip- 
pled playfellow  (called  The 
Rat).  All  sorts  of  mys- 
terious things  are  con- 
stantly happening  just  out 
of  sight ;  and  presently 
the  dynastic  intrigues  of  Mrs.  BURNETT  launch  the  two 
boys  upon  a  secret  journey  through  Europe,  to  convey  to  a 
number  of  pleasantly  melodramatic  conspirators  the  message 
that  "  The  Lamp  is  Lighted  !  "  As  their  object  is  expressly 
stated  to  be  protection  for  a  small  principality,  the  fact 
that  the  interviews  include  one  with  the  Emperor  of 
AUSTRIA  has  in  these  days  a  quaintly  anachronistic  effect, 
and  at  least  serves  to  emphasise  the  neutral  origin  of  the 
story.  However,  they  are  of  course  successful ;  and  in 
the  last  chapter  Prince  Ivor  manages  to  be  enormously 
astonished  at  finding  that  the  mysterious  monarch  of 
Samavia,  for  whom  he  has  been  working,  is  none  other  than 
his  own  father — an  obvious  fact  that,  with  truly  royal 
tactfulness,  he  had  contrived  to  ignore  throughout  the  story. 
My  advice  to  the  author  is  to  write  up  her  villains  (at 
present  they  haven't  a  chance)  and  make  the  whole  tiling 
into  a  film  play.  The  wanderings  of  the  two  boys  offer  a 
fine  opportunity  for  scenic  variety  ;  while  the  sentiment  is 
of  precisely  the  nature  to  be  stimulated  by  a  pianoforte 
accompaniment.  As  a  three-reel  exclusive,  in  short,  I 
can  fancy  The  Lost  Prince  entering  triumphantly  into  his 
appropriate  kingdom. 


"  UNFURNISHED    Roost    to    Let    in   Clyde   Road ;    quiet    hon>r ; 
convenience  for  washing  once  a  week  if  necessary  ;  rent  3s." 

Bastings  and  St.  Leonards  Observer. 
It  sounds  dirt-cheap. 


FEBRUARY  9,  1916.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Tommy.  "  'ERE,  TED,  WHAT'S  THE  MATTER?" 

Ted  (ex-plumber).  "  WY,  I'M  com'  BACK  FOB  ME  BAYXET,  o'  COURSE. 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE  Gentian  claim  that  as  the  result 
of  the  Zeppelin  raid  "  England's  in- 
dustry to  a  considerable  extent  is  in 
ruins  "  is  probably  based  on  the  fact 
that  three  breweries  were  bombed.  To 
the  Teuton  mind  such  a  catastrophe 

might  well  seem  overwhelming. 

•',••    •;•• 

A  possible  explanation  of  the  Govern- 
ment's action  in  closing  the  Museums 
is  furnished  by  the  Cologne  Gazette, 
which  observes  that  "  if  one  wanted 
to  find  droves  of  Germans  in  London 
one  had  only  to  go  to  the  museums." 
But  if  the  Government  is  closing 
them  merely  for  purposes  of  disinfec- 
tion it  might  let  us  know. 
*  * 
$ 

Irritated  by  the  pro-German  conver- 
sation of  one  of  the  guests  at  an 
American  dinner-party  the  English 
butler  poured  the  gravy  over  him. 
The  story  is  believed  to  have  greatly 
annoyed  the  starving  millionaires  in 
Berlin.  They  complain  that  their  exiled 
fellow-countrymen  get  all  the  luck. 

•k 

Is  the  Oftice  of  Works  feeding  Ger- 
many ?  We  have  lately  learned  that 
no  bulbs  are  to  be  planted  in  the 


London  parks  this  season  ;  and  almost  i 
simultaneously  we  read  in  the  Frank- ; 
f tirter  Zeitung   a   suggestion  that,  as  j 
bulbs  are  so  cheap  owing  to  the  falling-  ' 
off  in  the  English  demand,  they  should  ' 
be  used  as  food  by  the  German  house- 
wife.    What   has    Mr.    HARCOURT    to 
say  about  this  ?     ;;.  ,.:, 

Mr.  TED  HEATON,  a  noted  Liver- 
pool swimmer,  is  acting  as  sergeant- 
instructor  to  the  Royal  Fusiliers  at 
Dover,  and  is  expected  to  have  them 
in  a  short  time  quite  ready  for  the 

trenches. 

"*' 

A  London  magistrate  has  ruled  that 
poker  is  a  game  of  chance.  He  was 
evidently  unacquainted  with  the  lead- 
ing case  in  America,  where,  on  the 
same  point  arising,  the  judge,  the 
counsel  and  the  parties  adjourned  for  a 
quiet  game,  and  the  defendant  trium- 
phantly demonstrated  that  it  was  a 
game  of  skill.  ...  £ 

In  an  article  describing  the  wonders 
of  modern  French  surgery  Mrs.  W.  K. 
VANDERBILT  mentioned  that  she  had 
watched  an  operation  in  which  a  part 
of  a  man's  rib  was  taken  out  and  used 
as  a  jawbone.  "  Pooh  ! "  said  the  much- 


married  general  practitioner  who  read 
it,  "  that 's  as  old  as  Adam." 

-.;;     ff 

A  man  who  applied  recently  to  be 
enlisted  in  the  Royal  Flying  Corps  as 
a  carpenter  was  medically  rejected  be- 
cause he  had  a  hammer  toe.  If  lie 
had  lost  a  nail  we  could  have  under- 
stood it.  ,..  ;.: 

'  *' 

The  following  letter  has  been  received 
by  the  matron  of  an  Indian  hospital : — 

"DEAR    AND    FAIR   MADAM,— I    have    much 

pleasure  to  inform  you  that  my  dearly  unfor- 
tunate wife  will  be  no  longer  under  your  care, 
she  having  left  this  world  for  the  next  on  the 
•27th  nit.  For  your  help  in  this  matter  I 
shall  ever  remain  grateful. 

Yours  reverently, ." 

*   * 

A  correspondent,  anxious  about 
etiquette,  writes  :— "  Sir,— The  other 
day  I  offered  my  seat  to  the  lady-con- 
ductor of  a  tramcar.  Did  1  right?— 
Yours  truly,  NOBLESSE  OBLIGE." 

V: 

It  is  stated  that  one  of  the  principal 
items  of  discussion  during  the  new 
Session  of  the  Prussian  Diet  will  be 
a  Supplementary  War  Bill.  Some  of 
the  members  are  expected  to  protest, 
on  the  ground  that  the  present  War 
is  quite  suflicient,  thank  you. 


98 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  9,  1916. 


INTELLECTUAL    RETRENCHMENT. 

[The  annual  expenses  that  will  be  saved  by  the  closing  of  the 
London  Museums  and  Galleries  amount  to  about  one-fifth  of  the 
public  money  spent  on  the  salaries  of  Members  of  Parliament.] 

FETCH  out  your  padlocks,  bolt  and  bar  the  portals, 
That  none  may  worship  at  the  Muses'  shrine  ; 

Seal  up  the  gifts  bequeathed  by  our  Immortals 
To  be  the  birthright  of  their  ancient  line ; 

At  luxury  if  you  would  strike  a  blow, 

Let  Art  and  Science  be  the  first  to  go. 

Close  down  the  fanes  that  guard  the  golden  treasure 
Wrung  by  our  hands  from  Nature's  hidden  wealth  ; 

Treat  them  as  idle  haunts  of  wanton  pleasure, 
Extremely  noxious  to  the  nation's  health  ; 

Show  that  our  statesmanship  at  least  has  won 

A  vandal  victory  o'er  the  vandal  Hun. 

And  when  her  children  whom  the  seas  have  sent  her 
Come  to  the  Motherland  to  fight  her  war, 

And  claim  their  common  heritage,  to  enter 
The  gate  of  dreams  to  that  enchanted  store, 

To  other  palaces  wo  '11  ask  them  in, 

To  purer  joys  of  "  movies  "  and  of  gin. 

But  let  us  still  keep  open  one  collection 

Of  curiosities  and  quaint  antiques, 
Under  immediate  Cabinet  direction — 

The  finest  specimens  of  talking  freaks, 
Who  constitute  our  most  superb  Museum, 
Judged  by  the  salaries  with  which  we  fee  'em. 


DIPLOMACY. 


0.  S. 


"TELL us,"  said  Phyllis  laboriously,  "about  diploma — 
and  there  it  stuck. 

"  Tistics,"  added  Lillah  in  a  superior  manner. 

Being  an  uncle,  I  can  never  give  my  brain  a  rest.  It  is 
the  easiest  thing  in  the  world  to  be  found  out  by  a  child  of 
seven. 

"You  mean,"  I  said,  "diplomatists?" 

"  Yes,"  said  Phyllis  in  a  monotone.  "Daddy  said  'they- 
weren't-any-earthly-blast-them '  and — 

"Yes,  yes !  "  I  said  hastily.  I  can  imagine  what  George 
said  about  diplomatists.  He  held  a  good  deal  of  Balkan  stock. 

"  Well,  are  they?  "  asked  Lillah  innocently. 

"  Diplomatists,"  I  said,  "  are  people  in  spats  and  creased 
trousers,  and  the  truth  is  not  in  them." 

"  What  is  spats  ?  "  asked  Phyllis. 

"  Spats,"  I  answered,  "  are  what  people  wear  when  they 
wTant  to  get  a  job  and  their  boots  are  shabby." 

"  Are  diplomatists  shabby  ?  "  queried  Lillah. 

"Not  a  bit,"  I  answered  rather  bitterly. 

"  Do  they  want  jobs  ?  " 

"  They  want  to  keep  them,"  I  said. 

"  So  they  have  spats,"  said  Phyllis,  completely  satisfied. 

"  Exactly,"  I  said.  "  Then  they  go  into  an  extremely 
grand  room  together  and  talk." 

"  What  about?  "  said  Lillah. 

"  Oh,  anything  that  turns  up,"  I  answered — "  the  rise 
in  prices  or  the  late  thaw  ;  or  if  everything  fails  they  simply 
make  personal  remarks." 

"  Like  clergymen,"  said  Phyllis  vaguely. 

"Exactly,"  I  said.  "And  all  round  the  building  are 
secret  police  disguised  as  reporters,  and  reporters  disguised 
as  secret  police.  And  then  each  of  the  diplomatists  goes 
away  and  writes  a  white  paper,  or  a  black  paper,  or  a 
greeny-yellow  paper,  to  show  that  he  was  right." 

"  And  then  ?  "  Phyllis  gaped  with  astonishment. 


"  Then  everybody  organises,  and  centralises,  and  frater- 
nises, and  defrateniises,  and,  in  the  end,  mobilises." 

Phyllis  and  Lillah  simply  stared. 

"  Why  ?  "  they  both  gasped. 

"  Oh,  just  to  show  tha  diplomatists  wore  wrong,"  I  said 
airily. 

"  And  then?  "  said  Lillah  breathlessly. 

"  The  ratepayers  pay  more." 

"  What  is  a  ratepayer  ?  "  asked  Phyllis. 

"A  notorious  geek  and  gull,"  I  said,  borrowing  from  .a 
more  distinguished  writer. 

Lillah  stared  at  me  with  misgiving. 

"But  why  don't  tho  diplomists  say  what's  true?"  she 
asked. 

"  Because,"  I  said,  "  they'd  lose  their  money  and  nobody 
would  love  them." 

"  But,"  said  Phyllis,  "  Mummie  said  if  we  were  good 
everyone  would  love  us." 

"  Your  mother  was  quite  right,"  I  answered,  with  a 
distinct  twinge  of  that  thin-ice  feeling. 

"  Well,  but  you  said  nobody  would  love  diplomists  if 
they  were  good,"  said  Phyllis. 

"So  good  people  aren't  loved,"  added  Lilla'.i,  "and 
Mummie  said  what  wasn't  true." 

I  fought  desperately  for  a  reply.  This  could  not  lie 
allowed  to  pass.  It  struck  at  the  roots  of  nursery  con- 
stitutionalism. 

"Ah, "I  said,  without  any  pretence  at  logic,  "but  the 
poor  diplomatists  don't  know  any  better." 

"  Like  the  heathen  that  Mummie  tells  us  about  on 
Sunday  ?  " 

"  Between  the  heathen  and  a  diplomatist,"  I  said,  "  there 
is  nothing  to  choose." 

Phyllis  sighed.  "  I  wish  I  didn't  know  any  better,"  she 
said  yearningly.  Lillah  looked  at  me  dangerously  from  the 
corner  of  her  eye. 

"  And  got  money  for  it,"  she  added. 

"  Would  you  like  to  play  zoo  ?  "  I  said  hastily. 

They  were  silent. 

"  I  '11  be  a  bear,"  I  said  eagerly — "  a  polar  one." 

No  answer.  I  felt  discouraged,  but  I  made  another  effort. 
"  Or,"  I  said,  "  I  can  bo  a  monkey  and  you  can  throw  nuts 
at  me,  or  " — desperately — "  a  ring-tailed  lemur,  or  an  orang- 
outang, or  an  ant-eater  .  .  ."  My  voice  tailed  away  and 
there  was  silence.  Then  the  small  voice  of  Phyllis  broke  in. 

"  Uncle,"  she  said,  "  why  aren't  you  a  diplomist  ?  " 

At  that  point  Nurse  came  in  and  I  slid  quietly  off.  As 
I  was  going  out  of  the  door  I  heard  the  voice  of  Lillah. 

"  Nannie,"  she  said,  "  tell  us  about  diplomists." 

"  You  leave  diplomatists  alone,  Miss  Lillah,"  said  Nurse  ; 
"they  won't  do  you  no  harm  if  you  don't  talk  ahout 
them." 

Now  why  couldn't  I  have  thought  of  that  ?  It 's  just 
training,  I  suppose. 


'  Lieut. -Col. 


An  Impending  Apology. 

-  is  out  of  the  city  in  the  interests  of  recruiting.' 
Winnipeg  Evening  Tribune. 


"  Nevertheless  a  strong  Bulgarophone  and  Turkophoiio  feeling  pre- 
vails in  Greece,  especially  in  military  circles." 

Balkan  Neil's  (Salonika). 
"  Master's  Voice,"  we  presume. 


"  Theodore  Wolff  says: — '  Other  peace  orators  have  followed  Lord 
Loreburn  and  Lord  Courtney  in  the  House  of  Lords.  One  must  not 
awaken  the  belief  that  such  prophets  can  accomplish  miracles  of 
conversation  iu  a  day.'" — Winnipeg  Evening  Tribune. 

We  think  Herr  WOLFF  underestimates  Lord  COURTNEY'S 
powers  in  this  direction. 


PUNCH,   OR   TIIK    LONDON  ^CliAEIVAHI.— FKIUU-ARY  9,   l!)lf>. 


ECONOMY  IN   LUXURIES. 


FIRST  PHILISTINE.  •'  I FM  ALL  WITH  THE  GOVEKNMENT  OVER  THIS  CLOSING  OF 
MUSEUMS.  I  NEVER  TOUCH  'EM  MYSELF." 

SECOND  PHILISTINE.  "  SAME  HERE.  WAITER,  GET  ME  A  COUPLE  OF  STALLS  FOR  THE 
FRIVOLITY." 


ICO 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FKHHUAKY  9,  1916. 


JILLINGS. 


self.     Considered  merely  as  an  article  of  vcrtu  it  was  about 
on  a  par  with  the  pincushions,  but  Celia  accepted  it  in  the 

I  HAVE  always  been  very  fond   and  proud  of  my  niece  j  spirit  with  which  it  had  .been  offered.     And,  warned  by 
Celia.     With  an  exceptionally  attractive  appearance  and  a  I  experience,  she  did  not  lock  it  up  in  the  obscurity  of  a 


personal  fascination  that  is  irresistible  she  combines  the 
sweetest  and  most  unselfish  nature  it  has  ever  been  my 
good  fortune  to  meet.  Indeed,  she  has  so  excessive  a  con- 
sideration for  the  feelings  of  everybody  but  herself  that  she 
drifts  into  difficulties  which  she  might  have  avoided  by  a 
little  more  firmness.  As,  for  example,  in  the  case  of 
Jillings.  Celia  and  Jack  have  been  married  six  years ;  he 


cabinet,  nor  contrive  that  some  convenient  accident  should 
befall  it,  wisely  preferring  "  to  bear  those  ills  she  had  than 
fly  to  others,"  etc.  And  so  it  still  remains  a  permanent 
eyesore  on  her  mantelshelf. 

Then  it  seemed  that  Jillings,  who,  by  the  way,  was  not 
uncomely,  had  established  friendly  relations  with  one  of 
the  gardeners  at  the  big  house  of  the  neighbourhood — with 


is  about  twelve  years  older  than  she,  and  a  capital  good  '  the  result  that  Celia  found  her  sitting-rooms  replenished 
fellow,  though  he  is  said  (o  have  rather  a  violent  temper,  j  at  frequent  intervals  with  the  most  magnificent  specimens 
But  he  has  never  shown  it  with  Celia — nobody  could.  Jack  j  of  magnolia,  tuberose,  stephanotis  and  gardenia.  Unfor- 
had  left  the  Army  on  his  mar- 1 
riage  and  settled  clown  in  a 
pretty  little  place  in  Surrey,  but 
of  course  rejoined  the  Service 
as  soon  as  the  War  broke  out. 
So  long  as  he  was  in  training 
with  his  regiment  she  took 
rooms  in  the  neighbourhood, 
but  when  he  was  ordered  to 
the  Front  about  a  year  ago  she 
and  the  children  returned  to  the 
Surrey  home,  and  it  was  then 
that  Celia  engaged  Jillings  as 
parlourmaid.  I  saw  her  shortly 
afterwards  when  I  went  down 
to  stay  for  a  night,  and  was 
struck  by  the  exuberant  enthu- 
siasm with  which  she  waited — 
not  over  efficiently — at  table. 
Celia  remarked  afterwards  that 
Jillings  was  a  little  inexperienced 
as  yet,  but  so  willing  and  warm- 
hearted, and  with  such  a  sensi- 
tively affectionate  disposition 
that  the  least  hint  of  reproof 
sufficed  to  send  her  into  a  flooi  I 
of  tears. 

I  had  no  idea  then — nor  had 
Celia — how  much  inconvenience 
and  embarrassment  can  be 
produced  by  a  warm-hearted 
parlour-maid.  Jillings'  devotion 
did  not  express  itself  in  a 
concrete  form  until  Celia'e 
birthday,  and  the  form  it  took 


AT   OUR   PATRIOTIC   BAZAAR. 

Derated  Stall-Jiolder.  "I  HARDLY  LIKE  TO  ASK  YOU,  MB. 
THRUSH,  BUT  THE  COMMITTEE  WOULD  BE  BO  GRATESTI,  IF 
YOU  WOULD  WRITK  ONE  OF  YOUR  SWEET  VERSES  ON  EACH 
OP  THESE  EGOS  FOE  WOUNDED  SOLPIERS  I  " 


was  that  of  an  obese  and  unimaginably  hideous  pin- 
cushion which  mysteriously  appeared  on  her  dressing-table. 
Old  and  attached  servants  are  in  the  habit  of  presenting 
their  employers  on  certain  occasions  with  some  appropriate 
gift,  and  no  one  would  be  churlish  enough  to  discourage  so 
kindly  a  practice.  But  Jillings,  it  must  be  owned,  was 
beginning  it  a  bit  early.  However,  Celia  thanked  her  as 
charmingly  as  though  she  had  been  longing  all  her  life  for 
exactly  such  a  treasure.  Still,  it  was  not  only  unnecessary 
but  distinctly  unwise  to  add  that  it  should  be  placed  in  her 
wardrobe  for  safety,  as  being  much  too  gorgeous  for  every- 
day use.  Because  all  she  gained  by  this  consummate  tact 
was  another  pincushion,  not  quite  so  ornate  perhaps,  but 
even  cruder  in  colour,  and  this  she  was  compelled  to  assign  a 
prominent  position  among  her  toilet  accessories. 

These  successes  naturally  encouraged  Jillings  to  further 
efforts.  Celia  had  the  misfortune  one  day  to  break  a  piece 
of  valuable  old  porcelain  which  had  stood  on  her  drawing- 
room  mantelpiece,  whereupon  the  faithful  Jillings  promptly 
replaced  the  loss  by  a  china  ornament  purchased  by  her- 


tunately  she  happens  to  be  one 
j  of  those  persons  whom  any 
strongly  scented  flowers  afflict 
with  violent  headache.  But  she 
never  mentioned  this  for  fear  of 
wounding  Jillings'  susceptibili- 
ties. Luckily,  Jillings  and  the 
under-gardener  fell  out  in  a 
fortnight. 

As  was  only  to  be  expected, 
the  other  servants,  being  equally 
devoted  to  their  mistress,  could 
not  allow  Jillings  to  monopolize 
the  pride  and  glory  of  putting 
her  under  an  obligation.  Very 
soon  a  sort  of  competition 
sprang  up,  each  of  them  en- 
denvi, uving  to  out-do  the  other 
,  in  giving  Celia  what  they 
termed,  aptly  enough,  "little 
surprises,''  till  they  hit  upon 
the  happy  solution  of  clubbing 
together  for  the  purpose.  Thus 
Celia,  having,  out  of  the  kind- 
ness of  her  heart,  ordered  an 
expensive  lace  hood  for  the 
baby  from  a  relation  of  the 
nurse's  at  Honiton,  was  dis- 
mayed to  discover,  when  the 
hcod  arrived,  that  it  was 
already  paid  for  and  was  a  joint 
gift  from  the  domestics.  After 
thai  she  felt,  being  Celia,  that 
it  would  be  too  ungracious  to 
insist  on  refunding  the  money. 

It  was  not  until  I  was  staying  with  her  last  Spring  that 
I  heard  of  all  these  excesses.  But  at  breakfast  on  Easter 
Sunday  not  only  did  Celia,  Tony  and  the  baby  each  receive 
an  enormous  satin  egg  filled  with  chocolates,  but  I  was 
myself  the  recipient  of  one  of  these  seasonable  tokens,  being 
informed  by  the  beaming  Jillings  that  "we  didn't  want  you, 
Sir,  to  feel  you'd  been  forgotten."  By  lunch-time  it 
became  clear  that  she  had  succeeded  in  animating  at  least 
one  of  the  local  tradesmen  with  this  spirit  of  reckless  liber- 
ality. For  when  Celia  made  a  mild  inquiry  concerning  a 
sweetbread  which  she  had  no  recollection  of  having  ordered 
Jillings  explained,  with  what  I  fear  I  must  describe  as  a 
self-conscious  smirk,  that  it  was  "  a  little  Easter  orfering 
from  the  butcher,  Madam."  I  am  bound  to  say  that  even 
Celia  was  less  scrupulous  about  hurting  the  butcher's  feel- 
ings— no  doubt  from  an  impression  that  his  occupation 
must  have  cured  him  of  any  over-sensitiveness. 

As  soon  as  we  were  alone  she  told  me  all  she  had  been 
enduring,  which  it  seemed  she  had  been  careful  not  to 
mention  in  her  letters  to  Jack.  "  I  simply  can't  tell  you, 


FKKIUJARY  9,  1910.] 


ITXCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CHAKIVAIM. 


101 


Old  Lady  (quite  carried  away).  "How  SICE  IT  is  TO  HAVE  THE  TICKET  PROFFERED,  AS  IT  WERE,  INSTEAD  OF  THRUST  UPON  ONE  I" 


Uncle,"  she  concluded  pathetically,  "  how  wearing  it  is  to 
l)e  constantly  thanking  somebody  for  something  I  'd  ever 
so  much  rather  be  without.  And  yet — what  else  can  I  do  ?  " 

I  suggested  that  she  might  strictly  forbid  all  future 
indulgence  in  these  orgies  of  generosity,  and  she  supposed 
meekly  that  she  should  really  have  to  do  something  of  that 
sort,  though  we  both  knew  how  extremely  improbable  it 
was  that  she  ever  would. 

This  morning  I  had  a  letter  from  her.  Jack  had  got 
leave  at  last  and  she  was  expecting  him  home  that  very 
afternoon,  so  I  must  come  down  and  see  him  before  his  six 
days  expired.  "  I  wish  now,"  she  went  on,  "  that  I  had 
taken  your  advice,  but  it  was  so  difficult  somehow.  Be- 
cause ever  since  I  told  Jillings  and  the  others  about  Jack's 
coming  home  they  have  been  going  about  smiling  so 
importantly  that  1  'm  horribly  afraid  they  're  planning 
some  dreadful  surprise,  and  I  daren't  ask  them  what. 
Now  I  must  break  off,  as  I  must  get  ready  to  go  to  the 
station  with  Tony  and  meet  dear  Jack.  .  .  ." 

Then  followed  a  frantic  postscript.  "  I  know  now ! 
They  've  dressed  poor  Tony  up  in  a  little  khaki  uniform 
that  doesn't  even  tit  him!  And,  what's  worse,  they've 
put  up  a  perfectly  terrible  triumphal  arch  over  the  front 
gate,  with  '  Hail  to  our  Hero'  on  it  in  immense  letters. 
They  all  seem  so  pleased  with  themselves — and  anyway 
there's  no  time  to  alter  anything  now.  But  I  don't  know 
what  Jack  will  say." 

I  don't  either,  but  I  could  give  a  pretty  good  guess.  I 
shall  see  him  and  Celia  to-morrow.  But  I  shall  be  rather 
surprised  if  I  see  Jillings.  F.  A. 


THE    WELL-DISPOSED    ONES. 
(With  acknowledgments  to  the  back  page  of  "The  Referee.") 

BERTRAM  BRAZENTHWAITE,  Basso-Profondo  (varicose 
veins  and  flat  feet),  respectfully  informs  his  extensive  clien- 
tele that  he  has  a  few  vacant  dates  at  the  end  of  1917. 
Comings-of-Age,  Jumble  Sales  and  Fabian  Society  Soirees 
a  specialite. 

Sir  Sawyer  Hackett,  M.D.,  writes:  "The  physical  defects  which 
prevent  Mr.  Brazenthwaite  from  joining  the  colours  have  left  his 
vocal  gifts  and  general  gaiety  unimpaired." 


Do  YOU  want  your  Christening  to  be  a  succes  fan  ?  Then 
send  for  HUBERT  THE  HOMUNCULUS,  London's  Premier 
Baby-Entertainer  (astigmatism,  and  conscientious  objec- 
tions). 

"Hubert  the  Homunculus  would  make  a  kitten  laugh." — HILARY 
JOVE,  in  The  Encore. 

High-art  pamphlet  from  "  The  Lebanons,"  New  North 
Road,  N. 


JOLLY  JENKIN,  Patriotic  Prestidigitator  (Group  98). 
Nominal  terms  to  the  Army,  Navy  and  Civic  Guard. 
Address  till  end  of  week,  The  Parthenon,  Puddlecombe. 
Next,  Reigate  Eotunda. 

The  Epoch  says  :  "  Jolly  Jcnkin  has  the  Evil  Eye.  In  the  Middle 
Ages  he  would  have  been  burnt." 


1  •  Men  who  are  physically  fit  can  be  released  from  clerical  duties  and 
replaced  by  hen  only  fit  for  sedentary  occupations."— Daily  Paper. 

Broody,  in  fact. 


102 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  9,  1916. 


HOW   I   DINED   WITH   THE   PRESIDENT. 

THE  TRUTH  ABOUT  WILSON. 
[SPECIAL  TO  JT.VC//.] 

ON  Saturday,  January  22nd,  I 
arrived  in  Washington  from  Seattle. 
The  Seattle  part  is  another  story. 

What  I  have  to  tell  to-day,  here, 
now,  and  once  for  all,  is  what  I  saw  of 
the  PRESIDENT  at  close  quarters  outside 
and  inside  the  White  House  and  what 
happened  at  the  historic  dinner-party, 
at  which  I  was  the  only  representative 
of  a  belligerent  country  present. 

By  a  fortunate  coincidence  Mr. 
WILSON  arrived  at  the  railway  depot 
on  his  return  from  a  game  of  golf 
with  his  secretary,  Mr.  TUMULTY,  as  I 
was  loitering  at  the  bookstall.  I  had 
never  seen  either  of  them  before,  but 
intuitively  recognised  them  in  a  flash. 
Mr.  TUMULTY  looked  exactly  as  a  man 
with  so  momentous  a  name  could  only 
look.  The  PRESIDENT  was  garbed  in  a 
neutral-tinted  lounge-suit  and  wore  a 
dark  fawn  overcoat  and  dove-coloured 
spats. 

How  did  the  PRESIDENT  look  ?  Well, 
his  face  was  obviously  the  face  of  a 
changed  man.  Not  that  he  is  changed 
for  the  worse.  He  seemed  in  the  pink 
of  condition,  and  his  clean-cut  profile 
and  firm  jaw  radiated  inflexible  deter- 
mination at  every  pore.  No  signs  of 
a  moustache  are  yet  visible  on  his 
finely-chiselled  upper  lip. 

1  had  no  introduction,  and  no  time 
was  to  be  lost,  so  without  a  moment's 
hesitation  I  strode  up  to  the  PRESIDENT 
and  said,  "  Permit  me,  Sir,  as  the 
accredited  representative  of  a  neutral 
nation,  to  offer  you  this  token  of  re- 
spect," and  handed  him  a  small  Dutch 
cheese,  a  dainty  to  which  I  had  been 
informed  he  was  especially  partial.  The 
PRESIDENT  smiled  graciously,  handed 
the  offering  to  his  secretary,  and  said, 
"  I  thank  you,  Sir.  Won't  you  join 
us  at  the  White  House  at  dinner  to- 
night?" I  expressed  my  acceptance 
in  suitable  terms,  bowed  and  passed  on. 

The  dinner  took  place  in  the  famous 
octagonal  dining-room  of  the  White 
House,  which  was  profusely  decorated 
with  the  flags  of  the  Scandinavian 
Kingdoms,  Spain,  Greece,  China,  Chile, 
Peru,  Brazil  and  the  Argentine. 

The  band  of  the  Washington  Post 
Office  Rifles  was  ensconced  behind  a 
trellis  of  olive  branches  and  discoursed 
a  choice  selection  of  soothing  music. 
Flagons  of  grape-juice  and  various  light 
and  phosphorescent  beverages  stood 
on  the  sideboard.  It  was  a  memorable 
scene  and  every  detail  was  indelibly 
impressed  on  my  mind.  The  PRESIDENT 
greeted  his  guests  with  the  calm  dig- 
nity proper  to  his  high  office.  He 
does  not  affect  the  high  handshake  of 


English  smart  society,  but  a  firm  yet 
gentle  clasp.  In  repose  his  features 
reminded  me  of  JULIUS  C^ISAR,  but 
when  he  smiles  he  recalls  the  more 
genial  lineaments  of  the  great  POMPEY. 

The  general  impression  created  on 
my  mind  was  one  of  refined  simplicity. 
As  the  PKESIDENT  himself  remarked, 
quoting  THUCYDIDES  to  one  of  his 
Greek  guests,  $iXoraXot>/«i»  ^T'  fvTi\(ius. 

It  is  quite  untrue  that  the  conversa- 
tion was  confined  to  the  English  tongue. 
On  the  contrary  all  the  neutral  lan- 
guages, except  Chinese,  were  spoken, 
the  PRESIDENT  showing  an  equal  facility 
in  every  one,  and  honourably  making  a 
point  of  never  uttering  two  consecutive 
sentences  in  the  same  tongue.  Wai- 
topics  were  rigorously  eschewed,  and  so 
far  as  I  could  follow  the  conversation 
—I  only  speak  five  of  the  neutral  lan- 
guages— the  subjects  ranged  from  golf 
to  hygienic  clothing,  from  co-education 
to  coon-can. 

I  do  not  propose  here  and  now  to 
state  the  circumstances  in  which,  on 
leaving  the  White  House,  I  was  kid- 
napped by  some  emissaries  of  Count 
BERNSTOHFF,  and  ultimately  consigned 
to  the  Tombs  in  New  York  on  a  false 
charge  of  manslaughter;  how  I  nar- 
rowly escaped  being  electrocuted,  and 
was  subsequently  deported  to  Bermuda 
as  an  undesirable  alien.  What  I  saw 
and  endured  in  the  Tombs  is  another 
story.  What  really  matters  is  the  Bill 
of  Fare  of  the  PRESIDENT'S  dinner, 
which  was  printed  in  Esperanto  and 
ran  as  follows  : — 

Turtle  Dove  Soup. 
Norwegian  Salmon  Cutlets. 

Iceland  Reindeer  Steak. 

Tipperusalem  Artichokes  and  Spanish  Onions. 
Chaudfroid  a  la  Woodrow. 

Irene  Pudding. 

Dutch  Cheese  Straws. 

Brazil  Nuts. 

After  dinner  Greek  cigarettes  were 
handed  round  with  small  cups  of  China 
tea  and,  as  an  alternative,  Peruvian 
mate. 


THE    INVASION. 

I  THOUGHT — being  very  old  indeed, 
"  older,"  as  a  poem  by  Mr.  STURGE 
MOORE  begins,  "  than  most  sheep  " — I 
thought,  being  so  exceedingly  mature 
and  disillusioned,  that  I  knew  all  the 
worries  of  life.  Yet  I  did  not ;  there 
was  still  one  that  was  waiting  for  me 
round  the  corner,  but  I  know  that 
too,  now. 

I  will  tell  you  about  it. 

To  begin  with,  let  me  describe  myself. 
I  am  an  ordinary  quiet-living  obscure 
person,  neither  exalted  nor  lowly,  who, 
having  tired  of  town,  took  a  little 
place  in  the  country  and  there  settled 
down  to  a  life  of  placidity,  varied  by 
such  inroads  upon  ease  as  all  back-to- 


the-landers  know :  now  a  raid  on  the 
chickens  by  a  fox,  whose  humour  it  is 
not  to  devour  but  merely  to  decapitate; 
now  the  disappearance  of  the  gardener 
at  Lord  DERBY'S  coat-tails;  now  a 
flood  ;  and  now  and  continually  a  desire 
on  the  part  of  the  cook  to  give  a  month's 
notice,  if  you  please,  and  the  conse- 
quent resumption  of  correspondence 
with  the  registry  office.  There  you 
have  the  main  lines  of  the  existence 
not  only  of  myself,  but  of  (thousands 
of  other  English  rural  recluses.  But 
for  such  little  difficulties  I  have  been 
happy — a  Cincinuatus  ungrumbling. 

The  new  fly  entered  the  ointment 
about  three  weeks  ago,  when  a  parcel 
was  brought  to  me  by  a  footman  from 
the  Priory,  some  three  miles  away,  witli 
a  message  to  the  effect  that  it  had  been 
delivered  there  and  opened  in  error. 
They  were  of  course  very  sorry. 

I  asked  how  the  mistake  had 
occurred. 

"Same  name,"  he  said.  "The  house 
has  just  been  let  furnished  to  some 
people  of  the  same  name  as  yourself." 

Now  I  have  always  rather  prided 
myself  on  the  rarity  of  my  name.  I 
don't  go  so  far  as  to  claim  that  it  came 
over  with  the  CONQUEROR,  but  it  is  an 
old  name  and  an  uncommon  one,  and 
hitherto  I  had  been  the  only  owner  of 
it  in  the  district.  To  have  it  duplicated 
was  annoying. 

Worse  however  was  to  come. 

I  do  not  expect  to  be  believed,  but 
it  is  a  solemn  fact  that  within  a  fort- 
night two  more  bearers  of  my  name 
moved  into  the  village.  One  was  a 
cowman,  and  the  other  a  maiden  lady, 
so  that  at  the  present  moment  there 
are  four  of  us  all  opening  cr  reject- 
ing each  other's  letters.  The  thing  is 
absurd.  One  might  as  well  be  named 
Smith  right  away. 

I  don't  mind  the  cowman,  but  the 
maiden  lady  is'  a  large  order.  I  have, 
as  I  say,  lived  in  this  place  for  some 
time — at  least  six  years  —  and  she 
moved  into  The  Laurels  only  ten  days 
ago,  but  when  she  came  round  this 
morning  with  an  opened  telegram  that 
was  not  meant  for  her,  she  had  the 
maiden  -  ladylikehood  to  remark  how 
awkward  it  was  when  other  people 
had  the  same  name  as  herself.  "There 
should,"  she  said,  "never  be  more  than 
one  holder  of  a  name  in  a  small  place." 

I  had  no  retort  beyond  the  obvious 
one  that  I  got  there  first ;  but  I  hope 
that  the  cowman  henceforth  gets  all 
her  correspondence  and  delays  it.  He 
is  welcome  to  mine  so  long  as  he  deals 
faithfully  with  hers. 


BALAKN  CENTRE  HAS 


So  we  observe. 


Toronto  Mail. 


1'KM.iuARY  9,  1916.]  PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON    (MIA1MVAUI. 


103 


MR.    PUNCH'S    POTTED    FILMS.     THE    WILD    WEST    DRAMA. 

THE   ROSEBUD  OF   GINGER'S   GULCH. 


TIIK  GREEK-EYED  MONBTKB 


ON  THE  TRAIL. 


'HE   HAS   LEFT   HIS   POCKET-HANDKEECHIEF,    AND   HE   HAS   A 
COLD  IN  THE    HEAD.      I   MUST  TAKE   IT  TO   HIM." 


'YOU   HAVE   FIVE   SECONDS   MORE  TO   LIVE." 


V 


vm 

IN    THE    NICK    OP   TIME. 


DARLING  ! ' 


104 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  9,  1916. 


THE    IMPORTANCE    OF    BEING    YOUNG. 

OFFICE-BOY  ENGAGING  A  SUITABLE  EMPLOYER. 


NEWS  FROM  KIEL. 
(By  our  Naval  Expert.} 

AN  interesting  little  item  of  news  in 
the  daily  papers  of  last  Wednesday 
may  have  escaped  notice.  It  appears 
that  the  German  Liners  which  have 
been  laid  up  in  New  York  harbour  for 
the  last  eighteen  months  have  dis- 
covered that  their  magnetic  deviation 
has  been  affected.  This  is  the  explan- 
ation of  the  recent  movement  in  the 
harbour,  when  all  the  Gorman  ships 
were  turned  round  so  as  to  readjust 
their  compasses.  * 

The  special  significance  of  this  in- 
formation is  to  be  found  by  taking  it  in 
conjunction  with  the  recent  puzzling 
reports  of  movements  of  the  German 
High  Seas  Fleet.  It  will  be  remem- 
bered that  the  Fleet  was  represented  in 
an  enemy  official  report  (with  the  cus- 
tomary exaggeration)  as  sweeping  out 
into  the  North  Sea.  That  was  not 
readily  believe*!,  but  it  was  generally 
felt  that  there  must  be  something  in  it, 
especially  as  all  manner  of  rumours  of 
naval  activity  kept  coming  through 
from  Scandinavia  about  the  same  time. 


Our  naval  experts  in  this  country  were 
quite  at  a  loss,  but  to-day  the  riddle 
is  solved.  What  was  happening  was 
that  the  High  Seas  Fleet  was  turning 
round. 

I  have  had  the  good  fortune  to  fall 
in  with  a  neutral  traveller — of  the  usual 
high  standing  and  impartial  sympathies 
— who  has  supplied  a  few  details.  It 
seems  that  great  excitement  prevailed 
at  this  scene  of  unwonted  bustle  and 
activity.  The  operation  was  carried 
out  under  favourable  weather  condi- 
tions practically  without  a  hitch,  the 
casualties  being  quite  negligible,  and 
the  moral  of  the  men,  in  spite  of  their 
long  period  of  enforced  coma,  being 
absolutely  unshaken.  One  and  all  have 
now  cheerfully  accepted  the  discon- 
certing changes  involved  in  the  new 
orientation,  and  window -boxes  have 
been  generally  shifted  to  the  sunny 
side.  . 

"  On  Monday,  near  Durgerdam,  in  Holland, 
a  fresh  dyke  burst  occurred  on  a  length  of  50 
metres.  Over  200  handbags  were  at  once 
thrown  into  the  opening  without  any  visible 
result. ' ' — Provincial  Paper. 

Still,  the  sacrifice  was  well  meant. 


THE    GOLDEN    VALLEY. 
(HEREFORDSHIRE.) 

ABBEYDORE,  Abbeydore, 
Land  of  apples  and  of  gold, 

Where  the  lavish  field-gods  pour 
Song  and  cider  manifold  ; 

Gilded  land' of  wheat  and  rye, 

Land  where  laden  branches  cry, 
"  Apples  for  the  young  and  old 

Ripe  at  Abbeydore !  " 

Abbeydore,  Abbeydore, 

Where  the  shallow  river  spins 
Elfin  spells  for  evermore, 

Where  the  mellow  kilderkins 
Hoard  the  winking  apple-juice 
For  the  laughing  reapers'  use ; 

All  the  joy  of  life  begins 
There  at  Abbeydore. 

Abbeydore,  Abbeydore, 

In  whose  lap  of  wonder  teems 
Largess  from  a  wizard  store, 

World  of  idle,  crooning  streams- 
From  a  stricken  land  of  pain 
May  I  win  to  you  again, 

Garden  of  the  God  of  Dreams, 
Golden  Abbeydore. 


PUNCH,   OR   TUP:    LONDON   CHARIVARI.— FKHKUARY  !), 


A    GERMAN   HOLIDAY. 


CHILD.  "PLEASE,    SIR,    WHAT    IS    THIS    HOLIDAY    FOR?" 

OFFICIAL.  "BECAUSE    OUR    ZEPPELINS    HAVE    CONQUERED    ENGLAND." 

CHILD.  "HAVE    THEY    BROUGHT    US    BACK    ANY    BREAD?" 

OFFICIAL.  "DON'T    ASK    SILLY    QUESTIONS.      WAVE    YOUR    FLAG." 


10G 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  9,  1916. 


AT    THE    FRONT. 

THKRE  is  one  matter  I  have  hitherto 
not  touched  on,because  it  has  not  hither- 
to touched  on  me,  and  that  is  Courses. 

The  ideal  course  works  like  this. 
You  are  sitting  up  to  the  ears  in  mud 
under  a  brisk  howitzer,  trench  mortar 
and  rifle  grenade  fire,  when  a  respect- 
ful signaller  crawls  round  a  traverse, 
remarking,  "  Message,  Sir." 

You  take  the  chit  from  him  languidly, 
wondering  whether  you  have  earned  a 
court-martial  by  omitting  to  report  on 
the  trench  sleeping-suits  which,  some- 
one in  the  Rearward  Services  has 
omitted  to  forward,  and  you  read,  still 
languidly  at  first ;  then  you  get  up  and 
whoop,  throw  your  primus  stove  into 
the  air  and  proceed  to  dance  on  the 
parapet,  if  your  trench  has  one.  Then 
you  settle  down  and  read  your  message 
again  to  see  if  it  still  runs,  "  You  are 
detailed  to  attend  three  months'  Staff 
work  course  at  Boulogne,  commencing 
to-morrow.  A  car  will  be  at  the  dump 
for  you  to-night.  A  month's  leave  oil 
completion,  of  course." 

But  all  courses  are  not  like  this ;  all 
you  can  say  is  that  some  are  less  unlike 
it  than  others.  I  was  sitting  in  a  warm 
billet  about  twelve  noon  having  break- 
fast on  the  first  day  out  of  trenches 
when  the  blow  fell  on  me.  I  was  to 
report  about  two  days  ago  at  a  School 
of  Instruction  some  two  hundred  yards 
away.  I  gathered  that  the  course 
had  started  without  me.  I  set  some 
leisurely  inquiries  in  train,  in  the  hope 
that  it  might  be  over  before  I  joined 
up.  I  also  asked  the  Adjutant  whether 
I  couldn't  have  it  put  off  till  next  time 
in  trenches,  or  have  it  debited  to  me 
as  half  a  machine-gun  course  payable 
on  demand,  or  exchange  it  for  a  guinea- 
pig  or  a  canary,  or  do  anything  con- 
sistent with  the  honour  of  an  officer  to 
stave  it  oft'.  For  to  tell  the  truth,  like 
all  people  who  know  nothing  and  have 
known  it  for  a  long  time,  I  cherish  a 
deeply  -  rooted  objection  to  being  in- 
structed. 

Unfortunately  the  Adjutant  is  one  of 
those  weak  fellows  who  always  tell  you 
that  they  are  mere  machines  in  the 
grip  of  the  powers  that  change  great 
nations.  So  on  the  third  day  I  bought 
a  nice  new  slate  and  satchel  and 
joined  up. 

Even  now,  after  some  days  of  intense 
instruction,  I  find  my  condition  is  a 
little  confused  and  foggy.  Of  course 
it  covers  practically  the  whole  field  of 
military  interests,  and  I  ought  to  be 
able  to  win  the  War  in  about  three- 
quarters  of  an  hour,  given  a  reason- 
able modicum  of  men,  guns,  indents, 
physical  training  and  bayonet  exercise, 
knowledge  of  military  law,  and  ac- 


quaintance with  the  approved  methods 
of  conducting  a  casualty  clearing  station, 
a  mechanical  transport  column,  and  a 
field  kitchen.  The  confusion  of  mind 
evident  in  this  last  sentence  is  a  high 
testimonial  to  the  comprehensive  nature 
of  our  course. 

Physical  training  made  the  strongest 
appeal  to  me.  I  remember  some  of 
the  best  words,  not  perhaps  as  they 
are,  but  as  I  caught  them  from  an 
almost  over-glib  expert.  Did  you  know 
you  had  a  strabismal  vertebra '?  or, 
given  a  strabismal  vertebra,  that  it 
could  be  developed  to  almost  any 
extent  by  simply  'caving  from  the  'ips  ? 
Take  my  tip  and  try  it  next  time  you  're 
under  shell-fire. 

To-morrow  we  break  up,  and  I  join 
the  army.  The  army  has  gone  away 
somewhere  while  I  wasn't  looking,  and 
I  shall  have  to  make  inquiries  about 
it.  You  never  can  tell  what  these 
things  will  do  when  not  kept  under 
the  strictest  observation.  My  bit  may 
have  gone  to  Egypt  or  Nyassaland  or 
Nagri  Hembilan.  But  I  have  a  de- 
pressing feeling  that  A  27  .r  >/  z  iv.  9.8 
will  be  nearer  the  mark,  and  that  I 
shall  find  it  meandering  nightly  to 
Bk  171  in  large  droves,  there  to  insert 
more  and  more  humps  of  soggy  Bel- 
gium into  more  and  more  sandbags.  1 
don't  want  to  make  myself  unpleasant 
to  the  War  Office,  but  I  really  can't  see 
why  we  haven't  once  and  for  all  built 
trenches  all  done  up  in  eight  -  inch 
thick  steel  plates.  They  could  easily 
be  brought  up  ready-made,  and  simply 
sunk  into  position. 

They  would  sink  all  right ;  you  "d 
just  have  to  put  them  down  anywhere 
and  look  the  other  way  for  a  minute. 
The  difficulty  would  be  to  stop  the  lift 
before  it  got  to  the  basement— if  there 
is  a  basement  in  Flanders. 

There  is  a  tragedy  to  report.  We 
were  adopted  recently  by  a  magpie. 
He  was  a  gentle  creature  of  impulsive 
habits  and  strong  woodpecking  in- 
stincts. Arsene  we  called  him.  For 
some  days  he  gladdened  us  with  his 
soft  bright  eye.  But  when  we  came  to 
know  him  well  and  1  relied  on  him  to 
break  the  shells  of  my  eggs  every 
morning  at  breakfast,  to  steal  my  pens 
and  spill  my  ink,  to  wake  me  by  a 
gentle  nip  on  the  nose  from  his  firm 
but  courteous  beak,  a  rough  grenadier 
came  one  day  to  explain  a  new  type  of 
infernal  machine,  and,  when  we  went 
out,  left  a  detonator  on  the  table. 

I  never  saw  what  actually  followed, 
but  we  buried  Arsene  witli  full  military 
honours. 


"  Ladies'  Self-trimmed  Velvet  Hate  for  One 
Shilling." — Nortli-Coimlry  Paf.er. 

The  latest  fashion  in  Berlin. 


MORE  LIGHT  FROM  OUR  LEADERS. 

BY  way  of  a  supplement  to  the 
Candle-shade  epigrams  recently  con- 
tributed by  various  distinguished  men 
and  women  of  light  and  leading,  we 
have  been  fortunate  to  secure  the 
following  sentiments  for  St.  Valentine's 
Day  from  several  luminaries  who  were 
conspicuously  absent  from  the  list. 

Mr.  HARRY  LAUDER,  the  illustrious 
comedian,  poetizes  as  follows  : — 

"Let  tlvise  wha   wull   compile   the   nation's 

annals, 
And   guide   oor   thochts    in    strict    historic 

channels  ; 

Ma  Muse  prefers,  far  fra  these  dull  morasses. 
To  laud  the  purrrple  heather  and  the  lassies." 

Mr.    STEVENSON,    the    incomparable 
cueist,  sends  this  pithy  distich: — 
':  Dig  guns  arc  useful  in  their  way,  'tis  true, 
But  nursery  cannons  have  their  uses  too." 

Miss  CARRIE  TUDB,  the  famous  so- 
prano, writes : — 

"Butt  me  no  butts.     Though  carping  critics 

flout  us, 

What    would    DIOGENES   have   done   with- 
out us?" 

A  distinguished  actor  gives  as  his 
favourite  quotation  the  couplet  from 
GOLDSMITH  : — 

"  A  man  he  was  financially  unique, 
And  passing  poor  on  forty  pounds  a  week." 

Mr.  BERNARD  SHAW  contributes  this 
characteristic  definition  of  genius: — 

"(Icnius  consists  in  an  infinite  capacity  for 
giving  pain." 

The  Air  Candidate  for  Mile  End 
sends  the  following  witty  and  topical 
epigram : — 

"  Mid  v,:u-'s  alarms  there  is  no  time  for  cooing, 
But    BILLING  may  prevent   our  land's  un- 
doing." 

"  We  are  all  familiar  with  the  poetic  words  : 
'  There  's  many  a  gem  that 's  born  to  blush 
unseen,  and  waste  its  fragrance  on  the  desert 
air.'  " — Kilmarnncl!  Herald. 
Our  own  ignorance  of  this  gem  makes 
us  blush  (unseen,  we  hope). 

"How  TO  KEEP  WAHM. — In  Groat  Britain 
1  think  a  shirt,  vest  and  coat  enough  covering 
for  the  ordinary  man.  I  wear  no  more." 

llci/nolds  Nt'irsptifcr. 

No  one  who  follows  this  advice  need 
fear  a  chill.  The  police  are  sure  to 
make  it  warm  for  him. 


"  When  Sir  Stanley  (now  Lord)  Buckmaster 
succeeded  Mr.  (now  Sir)  F.  E.  Smith  in  the 
chief  responsibility  for  the  Bureau  he  made  a 
point  of  betting  on  friendly  terms  with  the 
representatives  of  the  Fourth  Estate." 

Bristol  Times  and  Mirror. 

Several  of  them,  it  is  well  known,  have 
been  charged  with  book-making. 

' '  LADY  (Young)  seeks  Sit.  in  shop  :  butcher's 
preferred  ;  would  like  to  learn  scales." 

Morning  Paper, 
Why  not  try  a  piano-monger's  ? 


9,  l!Hi;.l 


PUNCH,   Oil   TILE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


107 


^i**— ~ -"  /->  ^  '  - 

£<o«f  Iv^^Ao- 
/     I/  <-y       ^^^ 


Sll£.    "AND  ABE  YOU   ONLY  JUST   BACK   FBOM   THE  TUENCHE8 ?       HOW   INTERESTING!       YOU   WILL   BE   ABLE   TO  TELL   US   THE   REAL 
TRUTH   ABOUT   THE   KAISER'S   ILLNESS." 


A   DUEL    OF    ENDURANCE. 

OUR  butcher's  name  is  Bones.  Yes, 
I  know  it  sounds  too  good  to  be  true. 
But  I  can't  help  it.  Once  more,  his 
name  is  Bones. 

There  is  something  wrong  with 
Bones.  Mark  him  as  he  stands  there 
among  all  those  bodies  of  sheep  and 
oxen,  feeling  with  his  thumb  the  edge 
of  that  long  sharp  knife  and  gazing 
wistfully  across  the  way  to  where  the 
greengrocer's  baby  lies  asleep  in  its 
perambulator  on  the  pavement.  Ob- 
serve him  start  with  a  sigh  from  his 
reverie  as  you  enter  his  shop.  What 
is  the  matter  with  him  ?  Why  should 
a  butcher  sigh  V 

I  will  tell  you.  He  has  been  thinking 
about  the  KAISER,  the  KAISER  who  is 
breaking  his  heart  through  the  medium 
of  tho  greengrocer's  baby. 

As  all  the  world  knows,  between  the 
ages  of  one  and  two  the  best  British 
babies  are  built  up  on  beef  tea  and 
mutton  broth  ;  at  two  or  thereabouts 
they  start  on  small  chops.  No  one  can 
say  when  the  custom  arose.  Like  so 
many  of  those  unwritten  laws  on 
which  tho  greatness  of  England  is 
really  based  it  has  outgrown  the 


memory  of  its  origin.  But  its  force 
is  as  universally  binding  to-day  as  it 
was  in  Plantagenet  times.  Thus, 
though  numerous  households  since  the 
War  began  have  temporarily  adopted  a 
vegetarian  diet,  in  the  majority  of 
cases  a  line  has  been  drawn  at  the 
baby.  That  is  why  butchers  at  pre- 
sent look  on  babies  as  their  sheet- 
anchors.  It  is  through  them  that  they 
keep  the  toe  of  their  boot  inside  tlie 
family  door.  The  little  things  they 
send  for  them  serve  as  a  memento  of 
the  old  Sunday  sirloin,  a  reminder  that 
while  nuts  may  nourish  niggers  the 
Briton's  true  prerogative  is  beef. 

The  greengrocer  has  given  up  meat. 
But  he  has  done  more  than  this.  He 
has  done  what  not  even  a  greengrocer 
should  do.  He  has  broken  the  tra- 
dition of  the  ages.  He  is  feeding  his 
baby  on  bananas. 

At  first  the  greengrocer's  baby  did 
not  like  bananas  and  its  cries  were 
awful.  But  after  a  while  it  got  used 
to  them,  and  now  even  when  it  goes  to 
bed  it  clutches  one  in  its  tiny  band. 
It  is  not  so  rosy  as  it  was,  but  the 
greengrocer  says  red-faced  babies  are 
apoplectic  and  that  the  reason  it 
twitches  so  much  in  its  sleep  is  be- 


cause it  is  so  full  of  vitality.  He  is 
advising  all  his  customers  to  feed  their 
babies  on  bananas.  Bones  does  not 
care  much  what  happens  to  the  green- 
grocer's baby,  but  be  says  if  it  lasts 
much  longer  he  will  have  to  put  his 
shutters  up.  He  is  growing  very  de- 
spondent, and  I  noticed  the  other  day 
that  he  had  given  up  chewing  suet — a 
bad  sign  in  a  butcher. 

It  is  a  duel  of  endurance  between 
Bones  and  the  greengrocer's  baby.  I 
wonder  which  will  win. 


'.'  Mr.  Buxton  was  severely  heckled  at  the 
outset  from  all  parts  of  tho  room.  Each  time 
he  endeavoured  to  speak  he  was  hailed  with  a 
torrent  of  howls,  hoots  and  kisses." 

Provincial  Paper. 

A  notoriously  effective  way  of  stopping 
the  mouth. 

From  the  Lady's  column  in  The 
Car  :— 

"  Now  about  this  word  'damn.'  Of  course 
you  all  think  it  is  a  good  old  Saxon  word ! 
Well,  prepare  for  a  surprise.  It  is  derived 
from  the  Latin  damnere." 

Well,  we  are — surprised. 


Motto   for   the  next  Turkish  Revo- 
lution:  Envcr  Renverst. 


108 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  9,  1916. 


Householder.  "  BUT,  HANG  IT  ALL,  I  CAN'T  BEE  WHY  THAT  BOMB  NEXT  DOOB  SHOULD  MAKE  YOU  WANT  TO  it.u 
Landlord.  "  DON'T  YOU  PERCEIVE,  MY  DEAB  SIR,  THAT  YOUB  HOUSE  is  NOW  SEMI-DETACHED?" 


i-j  MY  REST!  ' 


TONNAGE. 

"On,  dear,"  said  Francosca,  "everything  keeps  going 
up."  She  was  engaged  upon  the  weekly  books  and  spoke 
in  a  tone  of  heartfelt  despair. 

"Well,"  I  said,  "you've  known  all  along  how  it  would 
be.  Everybody 's  told  you  so." 

"  Everybody  ?     Who  's  everybody  in  this  case  ?  " 

"  I  told  you  so  for  one,  and  Mr.  ASQUITH  mentioned  it 
several  times,  and  so  did  Mr.  McKENNA." 

"  I  have  never,"  she  said  proudly,  "  discussed  my  weekly 
books  with  Messrs.  ASQUITH  and  McKENNA.  I  should 
scorn  the  action." 

"That's  all  very  well,"  I  said.  "Keep  them  away  as 
far  as  you  can,  but  they'll  still  get  hold  of  you.  The 
CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EXCHEQUER  knows  your  weekly  books 
by  heart." 

"  I  wish,"  she  said,  "he  'd  add  them  up  for  me.  He 's  a 
good  adder-up,  I  suppose,  or  he  wouldn't  be  what  he  is." 

"  He 's  fair  to  middling,  I  fancy — something  like  me." 

"  You ! "  she  said,  in  a  tone  of  ineffable  contempt. 
"  You  're  no  good  at  addition." 

"  Francesca,"  I  said,  "  you  wrong  me.  I  'm  a  great  deal 
of  good.  Of  course  I  don't  pretend  to  be  able  to  run  three 
fingers  up  three  columns  of  figures  a  yard  long  and  to  write 
down  the  result  as  £7,956  17s.  8(1.,  or  whatever  it  may  be, 
without  a  moment's  pause.  I  can't  do  that,  but  for  the 
ordinary  rough-and-tumble  work  of  domestic  addition  I  'm 
hard  to  beat.  Only  if  I  'm  to  do  these  hooks  of  yours  there 
must  be  perfect  silence  in  the  room.  I  mustn't  be  talked  to 
while  I  'm  wrestling  with  the  nineteens  and  the  seventeens ! 
in  the  shilling  column." 


"  In  fact,"  said  Francesca,  "  you  ought  to  he  a  deaf  adder." 

"  Francesca,"  I  said,  "  how  could  you  ?  Give  me  the 
butcher's  book  and  let  there  be  no  more  jeux  da  mots 
between  us." 

I  look  the  book,  which  was  a  masterpiece  of  illegibility, 
and  added  it  up  with  my  usual  grace  and  felicity. 

"  Francesca,"  I  said  as  I  finished  my  task,  "  my  total 
differs  from  the  butcher's,  but  the  difference  is  in  his  favour, 
not  in  mine.  He  seems  to  have  imparted  variety  to  his 
calculations  by  considering  that  it  took  twenty  pence  to 
make  a  shilling,  which  is  a  generous  error.  Now  let  me 
deal  with  the  baker  while  you  tackle  the  grocer,  and  then 
we  '11  wind  up  by  doing  the  washing-book  together." 

The  washing  -  book  was  a  teaser,  the  items  being 
apparently  entered  in  Chaldee,  but  we  stumbled  through 
it  at  last. 

"  And  now,"  I  said,  "we  can  take  up  the  subject  of  thrift." 

"  I  don't  want  to  talk  about  it,"  she  said,  "  1  'm  thoroughly 
tired  of  it.  We  've  talked  too  much  about  it  already." 

"  You  're  wrong  there  ;  \ve  haven't  talked  half  enough. 
If  we  had,  the  books  wouldn't  have  gone  up." 

"They  haven't  gone  up,"  she  said.  "They're  about 
the  same,  but  we've  been  having  less." 

"  Noble  creature,"  I  said,  "  do  you  mean  to  say  that 
you  've  docked  me  of  one  of  my  Sunday  sausages  and  the 
whole  of  my  Thursday  roly-poly  pudding  and  never  said 
a  word  about  it  ?  " 

"  Well,  you  didn't  seem  to  notice  it,  so  I  left  it  alone." 

"Ah,  but  I  did  notice  it,"  I  said,  "but  I  determined  to 
suffer  in  silence  in  order  to  set  an  example  to  the  children." 

"That  was  bravely  done,"  she  said.  "It  encourages  me 
to  cut  down  the  Saturday  sirloin." 


!M.:I;IU-AKY   !),    L916.] 


PUNCH,  OR   TIIH   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


109 


Elder  to  Beadle.  "WELL,  JOHN,  HOW  DID  YOU  LIKE  THE  STRANGE  MINISTER?" 

Beadle.  "No  AVA,  ELDER — HE'S  AN  AWFU'  FRIGHTENED  KIN'  A  CHAP  YON.     DID   YE  NOTICE  HOW  HE  AYE  TALKED  ABOOT  '  oon 

ADVERSARY,    SATAN'?      OoR  OWN   MEENISTEK   JUST  CA!S   HIM   PLAIN    '  DEEVIL  ' — HE   DOESNA   CARE   A   DOM   FOR   HIM." 


"  But  what  will  the  servants  say  ?     They  won't  like  it." 

"  They  '11  have  to  lua>p  it  then." 

"  But  I  thought  servants  never  lumped  it.     I  thought 
they  always  insisted  on  their  elevenses  and  all  their  other ! 
fond  privileges." 

"  Anyhow,"  she  said,  "  I  "in  going  to  make  a  push  for  i 
economy  and  the  servants  must  push  with  me.  They  won't  j 
starve,  whatever  happens." 

"  No,  and  if  they  begin  to  object  you  can  talk  to  them 
about  tonnage." 

"  That  ought  to  bowl  them  over.  But  hadn't  I  better 
know  what  it  means  before  I  mention  it  ?  " 

"  Yes,  that  might  be  an  advantage." 

"  You  see,"  she  said,  "  Mrs.  Mincer  devotes  to  the  reading 
of  newspapers  all  the  time  she  can  spare  from  the  cooking 
of  meals  and  she  'd  be  sure  to  trip  me  up  if  I  ventured  to ; 
say  anything  about  tonnage." 

"Learn  then,"  I  said, 

of  space  reserved  for  cargoes  on  ships — at  least  I  suppose 
that 's  what  it  means,  and — 

"  You  don't  seem  very  sure  about  it.  Hadn't  you  better 
look  it  up?  " 

"  No,"  I  said.  "  That 's  good  enough  for  Mrs.  Mincer. 
Now  if  there  's  an  insufficiency  of  tonnage — 

"  But  why  should  there  he  an  insufficiency  of  tonnage  ?  " 

"Because,"  I  said,  "the  Government  have  taken  up  so 
much  tonnage  for  the  purposes  of  the  War.  How  did  you 
think  the  Army  got  supplied  with  food  and  shells  and  guns 
and  men '?  Did  you  think  they  flew  over  to  France  and 
Kg\pt  and  Salonica?" 

"Don't  be  rude,"  she  said.  "I  didn't  introduce  this 
question  of  tonnage.  You  did.  And  even  now  I  don't  see 
what  tonnage  has  got  to  do  with  our  sirloin  of  beef." 


'  that  tonnage  means  the  amount 


"  I  will,"  I  said  kindly,  "  explain  it  to  you  all  over  again. 
We  have  ample  tonnage  for  necessaries,  but  not  for 
luxuries." 

"  But  my  sirloin  of  beef  isn't  a  luxury." 

"For  the  purpose  of  my  argument,"  I  said,  "it  is  a 
luxury  and  must  be  treated  as  such." 

"Do  you  know,"  she  said,  "1  don't  think  I'll  bother 
about  tonnage.  1 11  tackle  Mrs.  Mincer  in  my  own  way." 

"  You  're  throwing  away  a  great  opportunity,"  I  said. 

"  Never  mind,"  she  said.  "  If  I  feel  I  'm  being  beaten 
1 11  call  you  in.  Your  power  of  lucid  explanation  will  pull 
me  through."  .  E.  C.  L. 

CANADIAN    EEMOUNTS. 

BEOXCO  dams  they  ran  by  on  the  ranges  of  the  prairies, 

Heard  the  chicken  drumming  in  the  scented  saskatoon, 
Saw  the  jewel  humming-birds,  the  flocks  of  pale  canaries, 

Heard  the  coyotes  dirging  to  the  ruddy  Northern  moon  ; 
Woolly  foals,  leggy  foals,  foals  that  romped  and  wrestled, 

Rolled  in  beds  of  golden-rod  and  charged  to  mimic  fights, 
Saw  the  frosty  Bear  wink  out  and  comfortably  nestled 

Close  beside  their  vixen  dams  beneath  the  wizard  Lights. 

Far  from  home  and  overseas,  older  now — and  wiser, 

Branded  with  the  arrow  brand,  broke  to  trace  and  bit, 
Tugging  up  the  grey  guns  "to  strafe  the  blooming  KAISER," 

Up  the  hill  to  Kemniel,  where  the  Mauser  bullets  spit ; 
Stiffened  with  the  cold  rains,  mired  and  tired  and  gory, 

Plunging  through  the  mud-holes  as  the  batteries  advance, 
Far  from  home  and  overseas — but  battling  on  to  glory 

With  the  English  eighteen-pounders  and  the  soixante- 
quinzes  of  France ! 


110 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


j  FKURUARY  9,  191G. 


AT   THE    PLAY. 

"  MRS.  PRETTY  AND  THE  PREMIER." 

I  AM  not  sure  that  I  didn't  find  Mr. 
BOUKCHIER'S  "  Foreword  "  or  Apologia 
(kindly  given  away  with  the  programme) 
rather  more  entertaining  than  the  play 
itself.  As  long  as  tlie  dramatist  (a  New 
Zealander)  concerned  himself  with  the 
delightfully  unconventional  atmosphere 
of  Antipodean  politics  he  was  illumi- 
nating and  very  possibly  veracious. 
But  the  relations  between  the  Premier 
and  the  widow  Pretty,  which  promised, 
as  the  title  hinted,  to  be  the  main  attrac- 
tion, were  such  as  never  could  have 
occurred  on  land  or  sea.  It  was  impos- 
sible, with  this  farcical  element  always 
obtruding  itself,  to  take  the  political 
features  of  the  play  seriously,  as  I 
gather  that  we  were  intended  to  do ; 
and  we  got  very  little  help  from  Mr. 
BOUHCHIER'S  own  performance,  which 
was  frankly  humorous.  In  his  brochure 
he  tells  us  with  great  solemnity  that  he 
is  "  more  than  pleased  to  think  that 
the  play  may  help  to  demonstrate  to 
those  of  an  older  civilisation  how  truly 
the  best  of  the  so-called  Labour  poli- 
ticians strive  to  serve  their  country  and 
their  fellow  men.  .  .  .  Premier  '  Bill ' 
demonstrates  vividly  enough  that,  heart 
and  soul,  £he  Australian  politician  de- 
votes himself  to  the  uplifting  of  the 
great  Commonwealth."  Mr.  BOUR- 
CHIEB'S  tongue  may  or  may  not  have 
been  in  his  cheek  when  he  penned 
these  lofty  sentiments,  but  anyhow  it 
seemed  to  be  there  during  most  of  the 
play. 

He  is  on  safer  ground  when  he  tells 
us  that  "in  curiously  vivid  and  pun- 
gent fashion  this  little  play  outlines 
the  breezy  freshness  and  the  originality 
of  outlook  which  almost  invariably 
characterise  the  politicians  and  states- 
men of  the  Prairie,  the  Veldt  and  the 
Bush,  and  which  more  than  anything 
else  perhaps  differentiates  them  from 
the  men  of  an  older  land,  hampered 
as  these  latter  often  are  by  long  and 
stately  traditions."  Certainly,  in  the 
matter  of  addressing  its  Premier  by 
a  familiar  abbreviation  of  his  Christian 
name  (an  authority  who  has  travelled 
in  these  parts  assures  Mr.  BOURCHIER 
that  he  is  "  quite  right :  "  that  "people 
would  call  this  Premier  '  Bill '  in 
Australia  ")  the  new  world  differs  from 
the  old.  I  cannot  so  much  as  con- 
template the  thought  of  Mr.  ASQUITH 
being  addressed  by  the  MINISTER  OF 
MUNITIONS  as  "Herb,"  or  even  "Bert." 
But  we  have  difficulties  again  with 
the  Foreword  (for  I  cannot  get  away 
from  it)  when  we  come  to  the  question 
of  the  hero's  virility.  In  the  play  his 
secretary  says  of  him,  "  Bill 's  not  a 
man,  he 's  a  Premier.  A  kind  of 


dynamo  running  the  country  at  top 
speed."  Yet  the  Foreword,  after  citing 
this  passage,  goes  on  to  insist  upon  his 
"tingling  humanity"  and  hinting  at 
the  need  of  such  a  type  of  manhood  at 
the  present  time.  "After  all,"  concludes 
Mr.  BOURCHIER  in  a  spasm  of  uplift 
— "  after  all,  what  is  the  cry  of  the 
moment  here  in  the  heart  of  the 
Empire,  but  for  '  A  MAN — Give  us  a 
Man  ! '  '  But  even  if  we  reject  the 
seci'etary's  estimate  of  his  chief  as  a 
dynamo  we  still  find  a  certain  defi- 
ciency of  manhood  in  the  anaemic 
indifference  of  the  Premier  s  attitude 
to  women  ;  an  attitude,  by  the  way, 
not  commonly  associated  with  Mr. 
BOURCHIER'S  impersonations  on  the 


FIRST  LOVE;    OR  THE  JEUNE 

PREMIER. 

Bill  the  Premier  MR.  ARTHUR  BounciiiEn. 
Mrs.  Pretty  .  ,  Miss  KYRLE  BELLEW. 

stage.  Mrs.  Pretty's  tastes  are,  of  course, 
her  own  affair,  and  we  were  allowed 
little  insight  into  her  heart  (if  any),  but 
I  can  only  conclude  that  her  choice 
was  governed  by  political  rather  than 
emotional  considerations  ("  Let  us  re- 
member WOMEN  HAVE  THE  VOTE  IN 
AUSTRALIA"  is  the  finale  of  the  Fore- 
word) arid  that  what  she  wanted  was  a 
Premier  rather  than  a  Man. 

Of  the  play  itself  one  may  at  least 
say  that  it  kept  fairly  off  the  beaten 
track.  There  was  novelty  in  its  local 
colour,  its  unfamiliar  types  and  the 
episode,  adroitly  managed,  of  a  pair 
of  gloves  employed  to  muffle  the 
division  bell  at  the  moment  of  a  crisis 
on  which  the  fate  of  the  Government 
depended.  But  the  design  was  too 
small  to  fill  the  stage  of  His  Majesty's 
and  it  left  me  a  little  disappointed.  I 
was  content  so  long  as  Mr.  BOURCHIER 


was  in  sight,  but  the  part  of  Mrs. 
Prctt;/  needed  something  more  than 
the  rather  conscious  graces  and  airy 
drapery  of  Miss  KYHLE  BELLEW.  The 
rest  of  the  performance  was  sound  but 
not  very  exhilarating ;  and  altogether, 
though  I  hope  I  am  properly  grate- 
ful for  any  help  towards  the  realisation 
of  "Colonial  conditions,"  I  cannot 
honestly  say  that  Mrs.  Pretty  and  tin- 
Premier  has  done  very  much  for  me 
(as  Mr.  BOURCHIER  hoped  it  would)  by 
way  of  supplementing  the  thrill  of 
An/ac.  O.  S. 


A   NAVAL  EEYELATION. 

Edward  Brown's  official  sheet, 
Humble  though  his  station, 

Showed  a  record  which  the  Fleet 
Viewed  with  admiration. 

Fifteen  stainless  summers  bore 

Fruit  in  serried  cluster  ; 
Conduct  stripes  he  proudly  wore, 

One  for  every  lustre. 

Picture  then  the  blank  amaze 
When  this  model  rating 

Suddenly  developed  traits 
Most  incriminating. 

Faults  in  baser  spirits  deemed 

Merely  peccadillos 
In  that  crystal  mirror  seemed 

Vast  as  Biscay  billows. 

Cautioned  not  to  over-run 

Naval  toleration, 
He  replied  in  language  un- 

Fit  for  publication. 

When  the  captain  in  alarm 
Strove  to  solve  the  riddle, 

Edward  slipped  a  dreamy  arm 
Piound  that  awful  middle. 

Such  a  catastrophic  change 
Set  his  shipmates  thinking  ; 

Humour  whispered,  "  It  is  strange  ; 
Clearly  he  is  drinking." 

Ever  more  insistent  got 

This  malicious  fable, 
Till  he  tied  a  true-love's  knot 

In  the  anchor  cable. 


"During  December,  1GG1,  meals  for  neces- 
sitous school  children  were  provided  at  Chorley 
at  a  cost  of  id.  per  meal  per  scholar." 

Provincial  Paper. 

In  gratitude  for  the  Restoration,  we 
suppose.  Hence  the  watchword,  "Good 
old  Chorley!" 


"  Summoned  for  permitting  three  houses  to 
stray  on  Stoke  Park  on  the  19th  inst.  .  .  . 
defendant  admitted  the  offence,  but  said  that 
some  one  must  have  let  them  out  by  taking 
the  chain  off  the  gate." — Provincial  Paper. 

It  seems  a  reasonable  explanation. 


FEBRUARY  !),  1!M(;.! 


PUNCH,   OR    TIIK    LONDON    CIIAIM  VAIM. 


Ill 


Officer  (to  Tommy,  who  IMS  been  using  tin;  whip  freely).  "  DON'T  BEAT  HIM  ;   TALK  TO  HIM,  MAS — TALK  TO  HIM  !  " 
Tommy  (to  horse,  by  way  of  opening  the  conversation).  "  I  COOM  FROM  MAKCHESTF.R." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
THE  latest  of  our  writers  to  contribute  to  tlis  growing 
literature  of  the  War  is  Mr.  HUGH  WALPOLE.  Ho  has 
written  a  book  about  it  called  The  Dark  Forest  (SECKER), 
but  whetber  it  is  a  good  or  a  bad  book  I  who  have  read 
it  carefully  from  cover  to  cover  confess  my  inability  to 
lifride.  It  is  certainly  a  clever  book,  and  violently  unusual. 
I  doubt  whether  the  War  is  likely  to  produce  anything  else 
in  the  least  resembling  it.  For  one  thing,  it  deals  with  a 
pbaso  of  the  struggle,  the  Russian  retreat  through  Galicia, 
about  which  we  in  England  are  still  tragically  ignorant. 
Mr.  WALPOLE  writes  of  this  as  lie  himself  has  seen  it  in  his 
own  experience  as  a  worker  with  the  Russian  Red  Cross. 
The  horrors,  the  compensations,  the  tragedy  and  happiness 
of  such  work  have  come  straight  into  the  book  from  life. 
But  not  content  with  this,  he  has  peopled  his  mission  witli 
fictitious  characters  and  made  a  story  about  them.  And 
good  as  the  story  is,  full  of  fine  imagination  and  character, 
the  background  is  so  tremendously  more  real  that  I  was 
constantly  having  to  resist  a  feeling  of  impatience  with  the 
false  creations  (in  Macbeth' s  sense)  who  play  out  their  un- 
substantial drama  before  it.  Yet  I  am  far  from  denying 
the  beauty  of  Mr.  WALPOLE'S  idea.  The  characters  of 
Trenchard,  the  self-doubting  young  Englishman,  who  finds 
reality  in  his  love  for  the  nurse  Marie  Ivanovna,  and  of 
the  Russian  doctor,  Scmi/onov,  who  takes  her  from  him, 
are  exquisitely  realized.  And  the  atmosphere  of  increasing 


mental  strain,  in  which,  after  Marie's  death,  the  tragedy  of 
these  three  moves  to  its  climax  in  the  forest  is  the  work  of 
an  artist  in  emotion,  such  as  by  this  time  we  know 
Mr.  WALPOLE  to  be.  The  trouble  was  that  I  had  at  the 
moment  no  wish  for  artistry.  To  sum  up,  I  am  left  witli 
the  impression  that  an  uncommonly  good  short  story  rather 
tiresomely  distracted  my  attention  from  some  magnificent 
war-pictures.  

As  Field-Marshal  Sir  EVELYN  WOOD,  V.C.,  in  Our  Fighting 
Services  (CASSELL),  begins  with  the  Battle  of  Hastings  and 
ends  with  the  Boer  War  there  is  no  gainsaying  the  fact 
that  his  net  has  been  widely  spread.  To  assist  him  in  the 
compilation  of  this  immense  tome  the  author  has  a  fluent 
style  and — to  judge  from  the  authorities  consulted  and 
the  results  of  these  consultations — an  inexhaustible  in- 
dustry. The  one  should  make  his  book  acceptable  to  the 
amateur  who  reads  history  because  he  happens  to  love  it, 
and  the  other  should  make  it  invaluable  to  professionals 
who  handle  books  of  reference,  not  lovingly,  but  of  necessity. 
And  having  said  so  much  in  praise  of  8ir  EVELYN  I  am 
\  also  happy  to  add  that  he  is,  on  the  whole,  that  rare  thing 
— an  historian  without  prejudices.  Almost  desperately,  for 
instance,  he  tries  to  express  his  admiration  of  OLIVER 
CROMWELL  as  a  soldier,  although  he  quite  obviously  detests 
|  him  as  a  man.  I  find  myself,  however,  wondering  whether 
j  Sir  EVELYN,  were  he  writing  of  CROMWELL  at  this  hour, 
would  say,  "  Fcr  a  man  over  forty  years  of  age  to  work 
hard  to  acquire  the  rudiments  of  drill  is  in  itself  remark- 


112 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  9,  1916. 


able."  Even  when  allowance  is  made  for  the  differences 
between  the  seventeenth  and  twentieth  centuries  there 
would  seem  to  be  nothing  very  worthy  of  remark  in  such 
energy  if  one  may  judge  from  the  attitude  of  our  War 
Ofiice  to  the  Volunteers.  Naturally  one  turns  eagerly  to 
see  what  this  distinguished  soldier  has  to  say  about 
campaigns  in  which  he  took  a  personal  part,  but,  although 
shrewd  criticism  is  not  lacking,  Sir  EVELYN'S  sword  has 
been  more  destructive  than  his  pen.  In  these  days  of 
tremendous  events  this  volume  may.  possibly  be  slow  to 
come  to  its  own,  but  in  due  course  it  is  bound  to  arrive. 


I  find,  on  referring  to  the  "  By  the  same  Author"  page  of 
The  Lad  With  Wings  (HUTCHINSON),  that  other  reviewers. of 
"BERTA  RUCK'S"  novels  have  been  struck  by  the  "charm" 
of  her  work.  I  should  like  to  be  original,  but  I  cannot 
think  of  any  better  way  of  summing  lip  the  quality  of  her 


writing.  Charm  above  every-  — 
thing  else  is  what  The  Lad 
With  Wings  possesses.  It  is  a 
perfectly  delightful  book,  mov- 
ing at  racing  speed  from  the 
first  chapter  to  the  last,  and  so 
skilfully  written  that  even  the 
technically  unhappy  ending 
brings  no  gloom.  When  Gweniia 
Williams  and  Paul  Dampier, 
the  young  airman  she  has  mar- 
ried only  a  few  hours  before  the 
breaking  out  of  war,  go  down  to 
death  together  in  mid-Channel 
after  the  battle  with  the  German 
Taube,  the  reader  feels  with 
Leslie  Long,  Givenna's  friend, 
"  The  best  time  to  go  out !  No 
growing  old  and  growing  dull.  .  . 
No  growing  out  of  love  with 
each  other,  ever !  They  at  least 
have  had  something  that  noth- 
ing can  spoil."  I  suppose  that 
when  Mrs.  OLIVER  ONIONS  is 
interviewed  as  to  her  literary 
methods  it  will  turn  out  that 
she  re  -  writes  everything  a 
dozen  times  and  considers 


was  going  to  come  of  it.  For  my  own  part  I  suspected  we 
were  in  for  yet  another  version  of  Cinderella,  with  Delia 
snubbed  by  the  smart  guests,  and  eventually  united,  as 
like  as  not,  to  young  Lord  Polwhele.  However,  Miss 
DOROTHEA  TOWNSHEND,  who  has  written  about  all  these 
people  in  A  Lion,  A  Mouse  and  a  Motor  Car  (SIMPKIN), 
had  other  and  higher  views  for  her  heroine.  True,  the 
house  party  was  ultra-smart ;  true  also  that  there  was  one 
woman  who  spoke  and  behaved  cattishly ;  but  it  was  a 
refreshing  novelty  to  find  that  throughout  the  tale  the  ugly 
sisters,  so  to  speak,  were  hopelessly  outnumbered  by  the 
fairy  godmothers.  Later,  the  visit  led  to  Delia's  going  as 
governess  to  the  children  of  a  Eussian  Princess,  and  find- 
ing herself  in  circles  that  might  be  described  as  not  only 
fast  but  furious.  Here  we  were  in  a  fine  atmosphere  of 
intrigue,  with  spies,  and  Grand  Dukes,  and  explosive  golf 
balls  and  I  don't  know  what  beside.  It  is  all  capital 

fun ;  and,  though  I  am  afraid 
the  political  plots  left  me  un- 
convinced, the  thing  is  told  with 
such  ease  and  bonhomie  that  it 
is  saved  from  banality ;  even 
when  the  amazing  cat  of  the 
house-party  turns  up  as  a  female 
bandit  and  tries  to  hold  Delia 
1  and  her  Princess  to  ransom. 
And  of  course  the  fact  that  the 
period  of  the  tale  is  that  of  the 
earliest  motors  gives  it  the 
quaintest  air  of  antiquity. 
Somehow,  talk  of  sedan  chairs 
would  sound  more  modern  than 
these  thrills  of  excitement  about 
six  cylinders  and  "smelly 
petrol."  In  short,  for  many 
reasons  Miss  TOWNSHEND'S  book 
provides  a  far  brisker  enter- 
tainment than  its  cumbrous 
title  would  indicate. 


"I  HAVEN'T  HAD  ANY  ADDRESS  FOR  THE  LAST  FEW  MONTHS, 


Mr.  STEPHEN  GRAHAM  is  fast 
* .   '  becoming  the  arch  -  interpreter 
sft     of  Holy  Eussia.     In  The  Way 
of   Martha    and    the     Way    of 


SO   THE    AUTHORITIES    HAVE    OVERLOOKED    ME.       I  'D    LIKE    TO      !  Mary     (MACMILLAN)     he 


fifteen  hundred  words  a  good  '  JOIN  ALL  RIGHT,  BUT  THE  MISSUS  CAN'T  SPARE  ME.  I  'M  A  with  even  more  than  his  cus- 
day's  work;  but  she  manages  BIT  OP  A  FISHERMAN  AND  I  PLAY  THE  CONCERTINA.  Now,  tomary  zeal  to  his  good  work, 
in  The  Lad  With  Wings  to  WHAT  SORT  OF  AN  ARMLET  DO  I  GET?"  wishing  herein_ specifically  to 

convey  an  impression  of  having  written  the  whole  story 
at  a  sitting.  The  pace  never  flags  for  a  moment,  and 
the  characters  are  drawn  with  that  apparently  elt'ortless 
skill  which  generally  involves  anguish  and  the  burning 
of  the  midnight  oil.  I  think  I  enjoyed  the  art  of  the 
writing  almost  as  much  as  the  story  itself.  If  you  want 
to  see  how  a  sense  of  touch  can  make  all  the  difference, 
you  should  study  carefully  the  character  of  Leslie,  a 
genuine  creation.  But  the  book  would  be  worth  reading  if 
only  for  the  pleasure  of  meeting  Hugo  Sivayne,  the  intel- 
lectual dilettante  who,  when  ho  tried  to  enlist,  was  rejected 
as  not  sufficiently  intelligent  and  then  set  to  painting 
omnibuses  in  the  Futurist  mode,  to  render  them  invisible 
at  a  distance.  A  few  weeks  from  now  I  shall  take  down 
The  Lad  With  Wings  from  its  shelf  and  read  it  all  over 
again.  It  is  that  sort  of  book. 


When  old  Lady  Polwhele  asked  the  Reverend  Dr.  Gwyn 
to  let  his  daughter  Delia  go  with  her  as  companion  to  a 
very  smart  house  party,  I  doubt  whether  the  excellent  man 
would  have  given  so  ready  an  assent  had  he  known  what 


interpret  Eussian  Christianity  to  the  West.  A  pas- 
sionate earnestness  informs  his  discui'sive  eloquence.  I 
cannot  resist  the  conviction  that  he  has  the  type  of  mind 
that  sees  most  easily  what  it  wishes  to  see.  He  moves 
cheerily  along,  incidentally  raising  difficulties  which  he 
does  not  solve,  ignoring  conclusions  which  seem  obvious, 
throwing  glorious  generalisations  and  unharmonised  contra- 
dictions at  the  bewildered  reader,  too  bent  on  his  generous 
purpose  to  glance  aside  for  any  explanations.  Perhaps 
this  is  the  best  method  for  an  enthusiast  to  pursue.  He 
certainly  creates  a  vivid  picture  of  this  strangely  unknown 
allied  people,  with  its  incredible  otherworldliness,  its  broad 
tolerant  charity,  its  freedom  from  chilly  conventions,  its 
joyous  neglect  of  the  hustle  and  fussiness  of  Western  life, 
its  deep  faith,  its  childish  or  childlike  superstitions,  the 
glorious  promise  of  its  future.  An  interesting — even  a 
fascinating — rather  than  a  conclusive  book. 

A  Super-Bridegroom. 

"In  his  seventy-third  year  the  Earl  of  has  made  his  third 

matrimonial  venture  this  week." — Yorkshire  Evening  Post. 


FlOHKl'ARY    1G,    1916.] 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


113 


CHARIVARIA. 

MANY  early  nestings  are  recorded  as 
tho  result  of  the  mild  weather,  and  at 
least,  one  occasional  visitor  (1'oloninn 
li/nn/iiffr)  has  laid  eggs  in  various  parts 
of  the  country.  ...  ... 

Says  a  learned  correspondent  of 
The  OlifH'rrrr:  "There  may  be  funda- 
mental differences  between  observed 
phenomena  without  affecting  the 
validity  of  a  strict  analogy ;  and  after 
all  an  analogy  is  based  upon  presented 
similarities.  It  is  sufficient  if  the 
sameness  should  apply  to  particular 
attributes  or  occurrences  found  by  in- 
duction to  have  similar  relationships 
or  consequences."  It  looks,  after  all,  as 
if  some  of  our  Museums  wanted  closing. 

The  "  popular  parts  "  of  tho  Natural 
History  Museum  are  to  remain  open, 
though  it  is  still  felt  by  the  Govern- 
ment that,  at  a  time  when  the  practice 
of  frugality  is  incumbent  upon  every- 
body, the  spectacle  of  stuffed  animals 
may  tend  to  have  a  demoralising  effect 
upon  the  young.  .„ 

From  Tho  Evening  News  : — - 

"OUR    DAILY    WAR-TIME    MENU. 

Fish  Pie. 

Salt  Beef.      Turnips  or  Carrots. 
Baked  Potatoes. 
Banana  Pancake. 

Coffee." 

This  will  gratify  those  who  believed 
that  our  contemporary's  diet  consisted 
largely  of  brimstone. 

'  * ' 
It    is   reported    from    Holland   that 

Germans  there  are  refusing  German 
nole-;.  In  the  United  States  however 
they  are  still  accepted  at  their  face  value. 

It  is  understood  that  the  Govern- 
ment recruiting  authorities,  with  whose 
jfii  il'i'x/irit  all  Trafalgar  Square  is  ring- 
ing, have  definitely  rejected  a  proposed 
placard  that  says — 

"WILL    YOU   'ATE    NOW 
OR   WAIT  TILL   MARCH  8?" 

The  Admiralty  has  announced  that 
lea-fishing  is  included  among  the  cer- 
tified occupations  exempted  from  the 
provisions  of  the  Military  Service  Act. 
The  suggestion  that  the  other  kind  of 
fishermen  should  be  rejected  for  psy- 
chopathic reasons  has  been  bitterly 
resented  by  some  of  our  most  per- 
sistent anglers.  ...  ... 

"Many  of  the  men, "  writes  a  corre- 
spondent at  one  of  the  Fronts,  "  have 
apparently  been  without  shirts  for  some 
time,  and  consequently  the  Army  auth- 
orities, with  that  kindly  consideration 
which  always  distinguishes  them,  have 


V.A.D.  u'li'dma'ul,  -V..4.  (to  kitclien-maid) .    "I'M  REALLY  A  UNIVERSITY  LECTURER; 

BUT  AT  A  TIME   LIKE  THIS   WE  ARE   ALL   HUMAN   BEINGS." 


issued  to  the  men  a  new  pair  of  pants 
all  round."  ...  ... 

A  bird-eating  spider  has  just  arrived 
at  the  Zoo.  While  its  diet  is  com- 
monly confined  to  quite  small  birds  the 
animal  is  understood  to  have  expressed 
extreme  confidence  in  its  ability  to  eat 
eagles,  if  only  to  show  that  its  heart  is 
in  the  right  place. 

V 

"  Germany's    sea    dogs,"    says    the  j 
Jierlhifr    Tti<i<'l>ititt,    "  cannot    content 
themselves  much  longer  with  merely 
showing  their  teeth."  This  is  obviously 
unfair  to  TIRPITZ'S  tars,  most  of  whom 


have  not  hesitated  to  show  their  tails 
also.  ,.  :;. 

* 

The  KAISER  at  Headquarters  lifted 
his  glass  to  KING  FERDINAND,  this 
being  the  kindliest  way  of  intimating 

that  he  has  Bulgaria  on  toast. 

•:••   * 

It  is  rumoured  that  the  Government 
has  offered  the  control  of  our  anti- 
aircraft defences  to  the  Office  of  Works, 
but  that  Mr.  LULU  HARCOURT  has  de- 
clined the  responsibility,  adding,  how- 
ever, that  he  will  gladly  repair  any 
damage  done  by  Zeppelins  to  the 
Hower-beds  in  his  department. 


Ill 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  16,  1916. 


THE    WORD    OF    A    GERMAN. 

YOUR  troth  was  broken  ere  the  trumpets  blew ; 

Into  the  light  with  unclean  hands  you  rode ; 
Your  spurs  were  sullied  and  the  sword  you  drew 

Bore  stain  of  outrage  done  to  honour's  code. 

And  you  have  played  your  game  as  you  began. 

Witness  the  white  Hag  raised  by  shattered  ranks, 
The  cry  for  mercy,  answered,  man  to  man — 

And  the  swift  stroke  of  traitor  steel  for  thanks. 

Once  bitten  we  were  twice  a  little  shy, 

And  then  forgot ;    but  with  the  mounting  score 

Our  old  good-nature,  tried  a  shade  too  high, 
Stiffens  its  lip  and  means  to  stand  no  more. 

So  now,  when  you  protest  with  bleating  throat, 
And  broider  round  your  wrongs  a  piteous  tale, 

Urging  the  Neutral  Ones  to  take  a  note 

That  we  have  passed  outside  the  human  pale  ; 

The  world  (no  fool)  will  know  where  lies  the  blame 
If  England  lets  your  pleadings  go  unheard ; 

To  grace  of  chivalry  you  Ve  lost  your  claim  ; 
We  've  grown  too  wise  to  trust  a  Bosch's  word. 
O.S. 

THE    BILLETING    CAPTAIN. 

MY  job  is  to  ride  on  ahead  of  the  regiment,  whenever  we 
leave  the  trenches,  and  secure  accommodation  for  men  and 
horses  in  the  place  allotted  to  us.  For  billeting  purposes 
there  aro  four  kinds  of  villages  behind  our  front :  the  good, 
the  indifferent,  the  positively  bad,  and  the  village  of  E — 

It  was  to  R that  I  was  ordered  on  my  first  errand  of 

tliis  kind.  On  the  road  I  met  a  friend  who  holds  the  same 
post  in  his  regiment  as  I  do  in  mine.  I  told  him  where  I 
was  going,  and  he  grinned.  "  You  '11  find  all  the  doors 
locked  when  you  arrive,"  he  said.  "  The  Mayor  is  away 
on  service  and  you  won't  get  any  help  from  his  wife. 
She 's  the  most  disagreeable  woman  I  ever  met,  and  is 
known  for  miles  round  as  a  holy  terror."  When  at  length 
I  reached  my  destination  I  sent  the  rest  of  the  party  in 
search  of  barns  and  stables,  proceeding  myself  towards  the 
village  pump,  which  I  had  been  told  was  always  a  good 
place  to  work  from.  But  there  was  little  sign  of  life  here. 
The  place  was  deserted,  except  for  one  old  man  who  was 
supporting  himself  by  the  pump  handle,  while  with  a  stick 
in  his  other  hand  he  tried  to  strafe  a  hen  that  had 
inadvertently  run  between  his  legs. 

"  Bon  jour,  M'sieur,"  I  said  by  way  of  a  start. 

"  Cigarette  anglaise  !  "  replied  the  patriarch. 

I  offered  my  case  and  was  presently  being  entertained 
with  reminiscences  of  the  war  of  soixante-dix.  By  the 
time  that  he  had  finished  his  cigarette  he  had  gone  further 
back  into  history  and  was  vividly  describing  the  retreat 
from  Moscow  under  the  First  Napoleon,  on  which  occasion 
I  gathered  that  he  had  caught  a  severe  cold.  There  was 
evidently  little  help  to  be  gained  here,  so  leaving  my  vener- 
able friend  amid  the  Russian  snows  I  went  to  the  nearest 
house  and  knocked.  Presently  a  key  turned  and  the  door 
was  opened  for  about  three  inches  by  an  old  woman. 

"  lion  jour,  Madame,"  I  said  in  my  best  French ;  "  I  seek 
a  bedroom,  if  possible  one  with  a  bed  in  it." 

She  looked  me  up  and  down  for  a  moment,  then  with 
a  "  Pas  compris  "  shut  and  locked  the  dcor  again. 

In  the  next  house  they  were  more  obliging.  A  stout 
gentleman  opened  the  door  and  informed  me  that  unfor- 
tunately he  possessed  only  one  bed,  which  was  shared  by 
himself  and  his  family  of  six  children.  But  as  M'sieu  was 


a  member  of  the  entente,  and  if  .he. could  find  no  other 
accommodation —  But  here  I  fled.  Thus  it  was  from 
house  to  house,  and  when  later  my  N.C.O.  reported  his 
arrangements  for  men  and  horses  satisfactory  1  had  only 
managed  to  secure  one  miserable  little  room.  So  desperate 
had  I  become  by  this  time  that  I  determined  to  face  the 
Mayor's  wife,  in  spite  of  my  friend's  advice.  Accordingly 
I  turned  towards  a  house  labelled  Mairie,  and  entered  the 
garden,  where  a  small  child  was  playing.  I  think  without 
exception  he  was  the  ugliest  little  boy  I  have  ever  seen, 
but  I  am  a  father  when  home  on  leave,  and  he  smiled  at 
me  in  such  a  nice  friendly  way  that  I  stopped  and  pecked 
at  his  cheek  as  1  passed. 

When  I  looked  up  I  saw  a  grim  face  regarding  me  over 
a  pot  of  geraniums  in  the  window.  "Now  for  it!"  I 
thought,  and  was  presently  face  to  face  with  the  formidable 
ladj-,  who  asked  me  in  broken  English  what  my  business 
might  be.  "Madame,"  I  said,  "you  see  a  ruined  captain 
before  you.  I  have  been  sent  to  this  village  to  find  twelve 
bedrooms  for  my  Colonel  and  brother-officers.  Also  a 
mess-room  and  an  office.  In  one  hour  I  have  secured  one 
room,  and  even  now  the  regiment  is  arriving,"  for  as  I 
spoke  the  O.C.  and  some  of  the  others  came  riding  up.  On 
seeing  me  they  dismounted,  and  before  Madame  could  say 
anything  she  and  I  were  the  centre  of  a  little  group  of 
officers. 

"Well,"  said  the  O.C.,  "what  luck?  We're  looking 
forward  to  real  beds  again,  I  can  tell  you ! " 

I  felt  myself  growing  red.  "  The  men  and  horse*  arc 
arranged  for,  Sir,"  I  stammered,  and  then  suddenly  a 
voice  at  my  side  took  up  the  tale:  "And  if  you  will  come 
wiz  me  I  shall  'elp  ze  Captain  to  show  to  you  ze  roams  'e 
'as  found."  Unable  to  utter  a  word,  I  bowed,  and  we 
followed  Madame  to  the  first  house  at  which  I  had  earlier 
tried  so  unsuccessfully.  She  knocked  at  the  door  like  a 
fury,  and  no  sooner  was  it  opened  than  she  went  in  with- 
out more  ado,  and  we  after  her.  "  I  have  come  to  show 
M'sieu  the  Colonel  the  room  that  you  have  prepared  for 
him,"  she  said  in  her  own  language  to  the  old  woman,  who 
stood  bowing  and  smiling  as  hard  as  she  could.  Then  she 
opened  a  door  and  took  us  into  the  nicest  room  imaginable. 

"  'Ere  I  'ope  YOU  will  be  'appy,  my  Colonel,"  she  con- 
tinued. "  Zis  is  ze  best  room  ze  Captain  could  find  for 
you.  Also  I  'ope  you  will  find  Madame  aimable  ;  "  and 
here  she  looked  at  the  old  woman,  who  started  bowing 
again  harder  than  ever.  It  was  the  same  at  all  the  other 
houses.  Passing  from  one  to  another  she  commandeered 
room  after  room,  even  managing  .to  wrest  a  bed  from  the 
father  of  six  ;  and  I  verily  believe  that  the  inhabitants 
would  have  burned  their  dwellings  to  warm  us  had  the 
little  lady  ordered  it.  All  the  while  she  maintained  the 
fiction  that  I  had  arranged  things  previously. 

"I  'ave  just  come  wiz  ze  Captain  to  see  everyting  CK-S 
what  you  call  spick,"  she  said  on  leaving  us. 

"And  a  very  good  business  you  have  made  of  it,"  said 
the  O.C.  to  me  approvingly.  Still  greatly  puzzled,  I 
returned  to  thank  my  benefactress.^.  After  expressing  my 
gratitude  I  ventured  to  tell  her  that  she  had  been  much 
kinder  to  me  than  I  had  been  led  to  expect. 

"But  'ave  I  not  see  yen  keei  my  little  son?"  she 
said  gravely. 

"  Ah,"  I  said  to  myself,  "  that 's  it !  "  and,  stooping  down 
to  where  he  was  playing,  I  did  it  again  with  added  warmth. 


From  the  transactions  of  the  Royal  Dublin  Society  :— 

"  Professor  HUGH  RYAN,  M.A.,  D.Sc.,  and  Mr.  M.  J.  WALSIC,  M.So. 
— '  On  Desoxyhydrocatcchintetramethylether.'  " 

We  are  not  surprised  that  it  took  two  of  them  to  tackle  it. 


PUNCH,   OR   THE    LONDON    CHAHl YARL— FKHHUAUY  10,  1910. 


SAINT   VALENTINE'S   DAY  IN   THE   FATHERLAND. 

3t  cbanceti  tbat  on  tljc  fourteenth  Bay  of  JFebruavn  tljc  bon  CupiD  straneo  into  tbc  precincts  of  f  oti.,....., 
anb  came  all  unahmres  upon  tbe  «0lar  lioro ;  tnbo,  oceming  Ijim  to  be  an  alien  babe,  cssajica  to  make  a 
characteristic  cn&  of  bim. 


116 


PUNCH,   OR    THE    LONDON    CJI ARIVAHI.  [FKBBUABY  16,  1916. 


Disgusted  Instructor.  "Now  THEN,  NONE  o'  THEM  PEACE  TACTICS!     'ERE  I'M  TRYING  TO  TEACH  YER  'ow  TO  KILL  THE  ENEMY, 

AND   YER  GOEB   AND  KISSES    *IM  I  " 


BLANCHE'S    LETTERS. 

WAK  FASHIONS. 

Park  Lane. 

DEAREST  DAPHNE, — People  are  going 
to  the  theatre  a  good  deal,  but  not  in 
the  old  way.  We  wait  in  the  queue 
now,  and  work  our  way  up  into  the 
gallery.  We  leave  the  stalls  and  boxes 
to  ces  autres.  "  Olga  "  has  created  a 
simply  charming  queue-coat,  heavy 
grey  frieze,  with  plenty  of  pockets 
and  a  cap  to  match  with  ear-pieces. 
You  take  a  parcel  of  sandwiches  to  eat 
while  you're  waiting  (the  dernier  cri 
is  to  wrap  the  parcel  in  a  spotted 
handkerchief),  and,  if  you  want  to  he 
immensely  and  utterly  right,  you  '11 
walk  home  and  buy  a  piece  of  fried 
fish  on  the  way  for  your  supper. 

A  propos,  there  's  quite  a  good  little 
story  being  told  about  Lady  Goreazure 
and  these  topsy-turvy  times.  She  was 
in  the  gallery  at  the  Incandescent  the 
other  night,  and,  on  coming  down, 
the  gallery  people,  finding  it  was  pour- 
ing in  torrents,  crowded  into  the  chief 
entrance  for  shelter,  to  the  enormous 
disgust  of  the  stalls  and  boxes,  who 
were  just  coming  out.  A  rose-coloured 
satin  gown  with  ante-war  bai'e  arms 
and  shoulders,  an  ermine  wrap,  and  a 
paste  hair-bandeau  was  paiticularly 


furious,  and  announced  loudly  that  it 
was  "  an  abominable  shame  to  mix  us 
up  with  the  gallery  people  in  this 
way."  Lady  Goreazure  thought  she 
knew  the  voice,  and,  turning,  recognised 
in  the  angry  pink-satin  person  her 
maid,  Dawkins,  who  left  her  some 
months  ago  to  go  into  munition  work. 
She's  a  skilled  hand  now  and  simply 
coining  money,  as  she  told  Lady  G. 
in  a  hurried  furtive  whisper,  adding, 
"  Please  don't  talk  to  me  any  more. 
I  shouldn't  like  my  friends  to  see  that 
I  know  anyone  from  the  gallery." 

One  of  the  literally  burning  questions 
of  the  moment  has  been  how  to  dispose 
of  the  little  lanterns  one  's  obliged  to 
carry  after  dark  now  that  so  many 
people  have  given  their  motors  to  the 
country  and  stump  it  or  bus  it  every- 
where. Your  Blanche  has  solved  the 
difficulty  and  at  the  same  time  set  a 
fashion.  My  evening  boots  (what  a 
different  meaning  that  phrase  has  from 
what  it  once  had,  my  Daphne ! )  have 
darling  little  teeny-weeny  lamps  fixed 
to  their  toes,  so  that  one  can  see 
exactly  where  one 's  stepping.  With 
these  boots  is  worn  a  toque  with  a 
|  small  lamp  fastened  in  a  velvet  or 
1  ribbon  cliou  in  front.  The  boots  are 
i  for  one's  own  guidance',  the  toque 
illtiminante  is  to  show  otltcr  gropers 


in  the  darkness  that  one's  coming, 
Some  people  add  a  chic  little  hooter, 
which  clears  the  way  quite  nicely  and 
is  simply  precious  in  crossing  roads. 

Speaking  of  those  who  've  given  all 

their  motors  to  the   State  and   those 

who  haven't,  a  new  social  danger  has 

bobbed  up  for  the   latter — the   chauf- 

feuse.     She  's  got  to  be  reckoned  with, 

:  dearest.      In    threatening    the    single 

i  lives    of    people's    eldest    sons    she 's 

leaving   even   the   eternal   chorus-girl 

|  down  the  course,  and  in  releasing  one 

,  man  for  the  Front  she  's  quite   likely 

to  capture  another  wlio  counts  consider' 

abli/  more  ! 

The  Ramsgates  thought  they  'd  got 
a  perfect  jewel  of  a  chauffeuse — smart, 
businesslike,  knew  town  well,  knew 
i  when  she  might  exceed  the  speed  limit 
and  when  she  mightn't,  thoroughly 
understood  her  car  and  so  on.  And 
then  one  day  Pegvvell  came  back  from 
the  Front  on  sick  leave.  As  soon  as 
he  was  well  enough  he  went  for  a  drive 
every  day.  Someone  said  to  his  mother, 
"  I  wonder  you  trust  your  boy  out  alone 
with  that  chauffeuse  of  yours."  And 
Elizabeth  Eamsgate  laughed  at  the 
caution.  "  I  only  wish  Thompson  were 
more  dangerous,"  she  said.  "There's 
safety  in  numbers,  and  if  she  were 
younger  and  prettier  perhaps  she'd 


FEBRUARY  10,  1916.] 


PUNCH, 


Till']    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


117 


switch  Peggy's  thoughts  off  that  fearful 
Dolly  de  Colty  of  the   Incandescent." 

And  so  IVg\vell  went  on  with  his 
|  drives,  and  one  day  they  were  out 
BO  long  that  his  mother  was  anxious, 
and  when  at  last  they  came  hack  she 
said,  "  Oh,  Thompson,  you  'vo  been 
driving  Lord  Pegwell  too  far;  he's  not 
strong  enough  for  such  long  drives;  it 
\\;is  very  inconsiderate  of  you,  Thomp- 
son." And  the  chauffeuse  tossed  up 
her  chin  and  cried,  "  Not  so  much 
'Thompson,'  please!"  And  Pegwell 
chipped  in  with,  "This  is  Lady  Pegwell, 
mother,  and  in  future  she  '11  drive  no 
one  but  me  !  " 

Popsy,  Lady  Eamsgate,  is  even  more 
furious  about  it  than  his  parents. 
"  Ramsgate  and  Elizabeth  have  be- 
haved like  fools,"  she  said  to  me 
yesterday ;  "  they  don't  know  their 
world  in  the  least,  though  they  've  lived 
in  it  nearly  half  a  century.  What  if 
the  minx  wasn't  particularly  young  and 
pretty.  A  clmuffeuse  is  a  novelty, 
and  when  you  've  said  that  you  've  said 
everything." 

Your  Blanche  is  enormously  busy 
just  now  editing  a  book  that 's  going 
to  be  the  sensation  of  the  Spring  crop 
of  volumes.  You  're  aware,  of  course, 
m'amie,  that  if  a  book's  even  to  be 
looked  at  now  it  must  be  either  Some- 
body's Memories  of  Everybody  Else  or 
Somebody's  Experiences  in  an  Enemy 
Country.  Well,  and.  so  Stella  Clack- 
nnuman  and  I,  in  the  hostel  we  run  for 
poor  dears  who  've  lost  their  situations 
abroad  and  have  no  friends  to  go  to  on 
coming  back  here,  found  among  our 
guests  a  bright  little  Cockney  who 's 
been  what  she  calls  an  up-and-down 
girl  in  tbe  Royal  Palace  at  Bashbang, 
the  capital  of  Rowdydaria.  My  dearest, 
the  things  that  girl  has  climbed  over 
and  crawled  under,  and  the  weather 
she's  come  through,  in  escaping  from 
the  Eowdydarians  and  getting  back 
here !  And  the  things  she  's  seen  and 
heard  in  the  Palace !  It  will  throw  a 
flood  of  light  on  all  sorts  of  things,  and 
will  certainly  make  our  F.O.  sit  up_ 

With  the  help  of  a  clever  photogra- 
pher and  some  imagination  we  've 
reconstructed  the  up-and-down  girl's 
adventures  quite  nicely.  There  are 
photos  of  the  King  of  Rowdydaria  as 
bend  of  his  own  army ;  in  his  uniform 
as  Colonel  of  the  Hun  Rauberund- 
morder  Regiment;  and  in  the  Arab 
burnous  in  which  be  is  to  lead  an 
attack  on  Egypt.  There 's  a  photo  of 
the  up-and-down  girl  sweeping  a  pas- 
sage and  listening  through  a  key-hole 
to  a  wonderful  conversation  between 
the  King  of  R.  and  an  Emperor  who  'd 
come  to  see  him  (luckily  it  was  in 
English  and  she  remembers  every 
word) :  "  You  've  got  to  say  you  did 


^N 
\f 


"I   SAV,    OLD   GIBL,    DO  LET  ME    CABBY   SOMETHING." 


it."  "  But  I  haven't  got  any  navy — I 
couldn't  have  done  it."  "  I  '11  give  you 
the  submarine  that  did  it — or  lend  it 
to  you.  There !  now  it 's  yours — for  a 
time.  You  don't  depend  on  the  Neu- 
tralians  for  any  supplies.  So  you  can 
afford  to  tell  them  you  did  it — and  be 
quick  about  it."  "  But  you  can't  ex- 
pect even  the  Neutralians  to  swallow 
that ! "  "  Why,  you  fool,  they  'd  swallow 
anything  !  That 's  the  meaning  of  their 
phrase  'rubber-neck.'"  There's  a 
photo  of  the  Queen  of  Rowdydaria 
coming  up  at  this  point,  snatching 
the  broom  away,  and  beating  the  up- 
and-down  girl  with  it,  and  calling  her 
"  Spying  English  Pig."  Altogether,  my 
dear,  it 's  positively  enthralling !  Order 
your  copy  early,  for  people  will  be 
slaying  each  other  for  this  book. 
Astounding  Disclosures  of  an  Up-and- 


down  Girl  in  the  Eoyal  Palace  at  Hash- 
bang  will  certainly  quite  quite  eclipse 
those  two  other  sensations,  What  a 
Buttons  Overheard  in  the  Imperial 
Pickelhaube  Schloss  and  Amazing  Eevc- 
lations  of  a  Tweeny  in  the  Pcrhapsbnrg 
Hof.  Ever  thine,  BLANCHE. 


How  to  put  People  at  their  Ease. 

"  Tho  officer  in  command,  Lieut.  Berg,  was 
exceedingly  pleasant,  and  did  all  in  his  power 
to  put  the  passengers  at  their  ease  and  make 
them  feel  comfortable.  ...  He  had  a  largo 
bomb  placed  in  the  engine-room,  and  another 
on  the  bridge,  which  could  be  exploded  easily 
by  electricity." — Daily  Nttcs. 

'•AMERICA'S  LAST  WORD  FOR 

THE  HUN. 
SIXTEEN  PAGES  TO-DAY." 

Daily  Mirror  Poster. 

These  American  last  words ! 


118 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  1C,  1916. 


THE    WATCH    DOGS. 


MY  DEAR  CHARLES, — Things  go  on 
here  from  day  to  day  in  a  businesslike 
and  orderly  fashion,  the  comic  relief 
heing  supplied  by  a  temporary,  very 
temporal'}',  man  from  overseas,  who  has 
operated  for  a  while  at  our  telephone 
exchange.  Most  people,  myself  included, 
are  overawed  by  the  dignity  and  signi- 
ficance of  our  environment  here ;  not 
so  this  Canadian.  One  of  our  very 
greatest  was  having  words  witli  his  in- 
strument the  other  evening.  He  sup- 
posed, wrongly,  that  his  antagonist  was 
a  hundred  kilometres  away,  and  he 
adjusted  his  remarks  and  voice  accord- 
ingly. Imagine  his  pain  on  being  in- 
formed, from  the  exchange,  in  quite  a 
cheerful  and  friendly  tone,  "  I  guess 
you  're  on  the  wrong  string  this  time, 
Mister." 

There  is  also,  of  course,  that  never- 
failing  source  of  satisfaction,  the  mili- 
tary mess  waiter.  I  think  ours,  the 
other  night,  excelled  all  starters  in  the 
art  of  ellipsis.  Our  meal  was  inter- 
rupted by  a  loud  bump,  crash,  cata- 
clysm'and  bang.  We  took  it  that  two 
at  least  of  the  enemy's  great  offensives 
had  begun,  centralising  on  us  and  open- 
ing with  the  destruction  of  all  our 
mess  machinery,  personnel  and  platter. 
Shortly  afterwards  Alfred,  slightly 
flushed,  came  into  the  room.  We 
asked  him  to  lot  us  know  the  worst. 
All  we  could  gat  out  of  him  was,  "  I 
must  'a'  trod  on  a  bit  o"  fat,  Sir." 

You  will  be  touched,  I  am  sure,  by 
the  pretty  story  now  current  concern- 
ing the  earnest  young  subaltern  and  the 
Brigadier.  The  former  was  responsible 
for  the  training  of  an  expert  section,  in 
no  matter  what  particular  black  art ; 
the  latter  called  in  person  one  morning 
to  witness  an  experimental  display. 
The  apparatus  was  produced,  the  Brig- 
adier inspected  it  delicately,  and  the 
section  was  fallen  in,  standing  near  by 
in  an  attitude  of  modest  pride.  From 
them  the  Brigadier  eventually  singled 
out  a  private  to  do  a  star  turn ;  silence 
was  enjoined  while  the  subaltern  should 
give,  the  private  the  necessary  detail 
orders.  Now  the  subaltern  was  one  of 
the  many  of  us  civilians  who  have  a 
burning  ambition  not  only  to  achieve 
perfection  always,  but  also  to  maintain 
on  all  occasions  a  superlatively  military 
bearing.  Confronted  by  the  private 
and  expected  to  order  him  about,  he 
hesitated,  blushed  and  at  last  made  it 
clear  that  he  simply  must,  before  be- 
ginning, have  a  few  words  apart  in  the 
General's  private  ear.  With  kindly 
toleration  the  General  eventually  con- 
ceded this,  and  it  was  then  made  more 
than  apparent  to  him  why  it  was 


that  the  earnest  young  subaltern  wras 
reluctant  to  give  his  orders  to  the 
private  without  some  explanation  in 
advance  to  the  Brigadier.  "  The  man's 
surname  is  Bhyll,  Sir,"  he  whispered. 

Bod-hats  may  not  always  know 
much  about  life  in  the  trenches,  but 
they  can  tell  you  at  first  hand  what 
straling  was  like  when  there  were  no 
trenches  to  live  in.  You  will  perhaps 
care  to  hear  of  an  adventure  of  the 
good  old  days,  when  men  wandered 
about  Flanders  on  their  own,  sometimes 
attaching  themselves  to  English  units, 
sometimes  to  French,  and  somotimes 
marching  inadvertently  with  the  Central 
Powers.  Maps  in  those  days  didn't 
show  you  clearly  which  was  your  bit 
and  which  was  the  other  fellow's,  and 
many  a  time  different  parties,  meeting 
in  the  dark,  would  be  quite  affable  in 
passing,  little  knowing  it  was  each 
other's  blood  they  wore  after.  My 
man,  at  the  moment  when  we  take  up 
the  narrative,  was  walking  about  in  a 
wood,  looking  for  a  job.  Half  an  hour 
earlier  he  had  besn  busily  engaged  in  a 
brisk  battle,  but,  owing  to  his  not  keep- 
ing his  mind  on  it,  ho  'd  got  detached 
and  now  found  himself  in  one  of  those 
peculiarly  peaceful  solitudes  which 
only  exist  in  the  heart  of  the  war  zone. 
Whether  the  battle  was  over  and,  if 
so,  who  'd  won  it,  he  couldn't  say.  In 
fact,  those  being  the  early  confused 
days,  he  didn't  rightly  know  whether 
it  had  been  a  battle  at  all  or  just  a  little 
personal  unpleasantness  between  him- 
self and  his  private  enemies.  Every- 
thing appeared  to  be  exactly  as  it  should 
not  be ;  he  felt  that  he  ought  to  be 
exhilarated  with  victory  or  depressed 
with  defeat,  exhausted  or  maimed,  and 
not  merely  covered  from  top  to  toe 
with  mud.  He  found  himself  walking 
along  in  a  wood,  just  as  he  might  do  at 
home,  smoking  a  cigarette  and  thinking 
that  this  would  be  a  most  convenient 
moment  for  a  wash  and  a  cup  of  tea. 
As  he  said,  the  very  last  thing  he 
seemed  to  be  at  was  war,  when  sud- 
denly, climbing  over  a  small  ridge,  he 
discovered  himself  face  to  face  with  a 
hostile  sentry,  and  near  him  were,  at 
repose,  a  knot  of  other  equally  repul- 
sive Bosches. 

It  has  struck  everyone  out  here, 
sooner  or  later,  that  it  is  easy  enough 
to  do  the  thing  if  only  one  could  know 
at  the  moment  what  is  the  thing  to  do. 
Here  was  a  sentry  whose  whole  recent 
education  had  been  devoted  to  learning 
exactly  how  to  deal  with  new  and 
unwelcome  arrivals.  He  was  furnished 
for  that  very  purpose  with  a  rifle 
having  a  carefully  sharpened  bayonet 
at  one  end  of  it  and  a  nice  new  bullet 
at  the  other.  There  he  was,  all  pre- 
pared to  deal  with  an  emergency,  and 


there  was  the  emergency  confronting 
him.  Having  had  a  good  look  at  it,  he 
contented  himself  with  saying  "Halt! 
wcr  da?"  adding  as  an  afterthought 
a  threatening  move  forward. 

On  the  other  hand,  here  was  our 
friend,  young  and  vigorous,  in  full 
possession  of  all  his  faculties,  too  sur- 
prised to  be  even  alarmed.  His  first 
tendency  was  to  pass  haughtily  on  or, 
at  the  most,  to  stop  and  tell  the  man 
to  be  more  respectful  when  addressing 
an  officer.  His  second  was  to  call  to 
mind,  in  a  confused  mess,  all  the 
brilliant  and  dashing  things  a  hero 
of  fiction  would,  without  a  moment's 
hesitation,  havo  done  in  the  circum- 
stances. Lastly,  it  was  borne  in  on  him 
that  this  was  indeed  a  German  ;  that 
all  Germans  were,  under  the  new  ar- 
rangement, sworn  to  do  in  all  English- 
men at  sight,  and  that  he  himself  was, 
beneath  his  mud,  one  of  the  last-named. 
Being  rather  the  quicker-witted  of  the 
two,  he  had  put  in  three  thoughts  to 
the  other  fellow's  one  ;  but  the  position 
showed  no  improvement,  in  the  result, 
and  the  enemy's  second  thought,  slowly 
dawning,  was  obviously  of  a  more 
practical  and  drastic  nature.  His  un- 
decided fidgeting  with  his  rifle  'made 
this  abundantly  clear.  No  time  was 
to  be  lost.  Our  friend  realised  dimly 
that  at  all  costs  he  must  conceal  his 
nationality.  This  promised  to  be  a 
matter  of  languages,  never  his  strong 
point.  But,  there  again,  he  was  care- 
fully prepared  with  a  series  of  useful 
phrases  in  various  tongues,  which  he 
had  learnt  up  in  small  and  inexpensive 
hand-books.  The  difficulty  was  to  get 
on  to  the  right  one;  his  mind,  having 
got  him  thus  far,  refused  further  assist- 
ance. Instead  of  furnishing  him  with 
the  appropriate  remark,  it  merely  sug- 
gested to  him  a  clearly  defined  picture 
of  the  outside  of  the  text-book,  par- 
ticularly emphasizing  the  elegant  hut 
inept  phrase,  "  One  Shilling  net  at  all 
Booksellers."  And  what  was  the  use 
of  that  with  the  sentry's  bayonet 
rapidly  coming  to  the  "On  guard" 
position  ? 

It 's  a  long  story,  Charles,  and  it 
ended  by  our  friend  ingenuously  stating 
by  way  of  a  seasonable  ruse,  "Pardon, 
monsieur,  je  suis  fmncais." 

I  'd  prefer  to  leave  it  at  that,  but 
you  are  one  of  those  detestable  people 
who  insist  on  going  on  after  the  climax. 
So  I  may  as  well  tell  you  that  at  this 
point  our  friend's  legs  took  to  action 
on  their  own,  no  doubt  remarking  to 
themselves  as  they  did  so  that  this 
was  but  another  instance  of  damned 
bad  Staff  work.  I  sometimes  wonder 
whether  possibly  it  isn't  easier  to  ba 
a  limb  than  a  brain. 

Yours  ever,  HENRY. 


FEBIIUABY  1(>,  191G.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 119 

MR.    PUNCH'S    POTTED    FILMS.     THE    PASSIONATE    DRAMA. 

THK    DEMON   OF   JEALOUSY. 


••  \VHKTCHED  WOMAN!     WHO  is  THIS?     HENCEFORTH  YOU 
AUK  NO  WII--K  OF  MINE!" 


A  WOMAN'S  ANGUISH. 


"  DIE,  SCOUNDREL  !  " 


A  STRONG  MAN'S  RAGE. 


"Hr,  is  MY  nnoTiiEU  FROM  AUSTRALIA.     You  SHOULD  NOT 
r.i;  so  HVSTY." 


FORGIVENESS. 


120  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  1G,  1916. 


Grannie  (dragged  out  of  lied  at  1.30  A.M.  and  being  hurriedly  dressed  as  the  bombs  begin  to  fall).  "  NAXCY,  THESE  STOCKINGS  ARE 
KOI  A  PAIR." 


LITEEAEY   PITFALLS. 

The  Chronicle  publishes  a  most  inter- 
esting letter  received  from  Mr.  G.  B. 
BURGIN,  who  lately,  if  our  memory 
serves  us  right,  completed  his  fiftieth 
novel.  He  writes  : — 

"A  hitch  has  arisen  about  the  publication 
of  my  novel,  The  Rubber  Princess.  It  deals 
with  an  air  raid  on  London,  etc.,  and  it  has 
been  pointed  out  to  me  that  if  it  appears  before 
the  War  is  over  it  will  probably  be  suppressed, 
and  that  I  shall  be  mulcted  in  pains  and 
penalties.  I  have  therefore  withdrawn  it  and 
substituted  (for  the  Spring),  with  Hutchinsons, 
The  Hut  by  the  Hirer,  of  which  I  have  great 
hopes.  It  is  a  Canadian  romance,  with  a 
pretty  love  story  and  a  nice  little  mystery  at 
the  end." 

It  will,  we  are  sure,  be  a  consolation 
to  Mr.  BURGIN,  to  whose  agility  and 
versatility  we  desire  to  render  our 
homage,  to  learn  that  he  is  not  singular 
in  his  experience. 

Only  a  few  days  ago  we  received  a 
letter  from  Mr.  Bimbo  Posh,  the  famous 
Suffolk  realist,  recounting  the  circum- 
stances which  have  led  to  the  postpone- 
ment of  his  eagerly-expected  romance, 
The  Synthetic  Sovereign. 


It  appears  that  Mr.  Posh,  a  man  of 
a  most  scientific  imagination,  assigned 
the  rdle  of  hero  in  his  story  to  a  mar- 
vellous automaton.  Unfortunately  for 
him  lie  was  not  content  with  general- 
ities, but  described  the  process  by 
which  this  artificial  superman  was  pro- 
duced in  such  minute  detail  that  his 
publishers  realised  that  it  might  be 
positively  prejudicial  to  our  safety  to 
j  make  it  known.  The  sequel  had  best 
be  told  in  Mr.  Posh's  own  pathetic 
words : — 

"At  first  I  was  fearfully  upset,  though  con- 
vinced  by  the   arguments   of  my  publishers 
(Messrs.  Longbow  and  Green-i'-th'-Eye).    But 
a  happy  inspiration  seized  me  as  I  was  ascend- 
ing the   escalator  at  Charing   Cross,   arid   in 
exactly   a   fortnight   I   had   finished   another 
:  novel,  entirely  divorced  from  the  present,  en- 
'  titled,  In  Dear  Old  Daffy-land.    It  is  an  idyllic 
story  of  Suffolk  in  the  days  of  the  Heptarchy, 
founded  on  an  ancestral  tradition  of  the  Posh 
family.     It  runs  to  about  60,000  words,  and 
Mr.  Longbow,  who  read  it  at  a  sitting,  thinks 
I  it  the  finest  thing  I  have  done." 

Curiously  enough,  just  as  we  go  to 

press  comes  a  letter  from  Miss  Miriam 

•  Eldritch,  apologising  for  the  withdrawal 

|  of  her  volume  of  poems,  Attar  of  Boscs, 


in  view  of  the  fact  that  one  of  the  lead- 
ing establishments  for  the  distilling 
of  this  perfume  is  in  Bulgaria.  Miss 
Eldritch,  however,  has  proved  fully 
equal  to  the  occasion,  for  by  a  great 
effort  she  has  composed,  in  little  over 
one  hundred  hours,  a  cycle  of  one  hun- 
dred lyrics,  to  which  she  has  given  the 
title,  at  once  alluring  and  innocuous,  of 
Love  in  Lavender. 


"  Perturbabantur    Constantinopolitani 
Innumerabilibus  sollicitudinib us. " 

["  Constantinople  is  much  perturbed." 
Daily  JVpss.] 

IN  flouting  Zeus  and  Themis,  his 
Heart  set  on  cheating  Nemesis, 

The  Constantinopolitan 
Now  rues  his  impious  blunders, 
And  fears  approaching  thunders 

Trini  trot  oluoli  tan. 


"Gentleman's  dark  grey  fur  lined  motor 
coat,  fit  fairly  big  man,  lined  with  about  150 
selected  natural  musquash  skins,  real  Persian 
lamb  collar,  the  property  of  a  peer,  in  the 
pink  of  condition." — The  Bazaar. 

We  trust  his  lordship  will  remain  so  in 
spite  of  the  inclemency  of  the  weather. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   OHAEIVASl.f-FEBBUAEi  16,   1916. 


JOB'S   DISCOMFOBTER. 


UNCLE  SAM  (to  Jon).  "SAY,  PATRIAECH,  THEY  TELL  ME  YOU  HOLD  THE  WORLD'S 
RECORD  FOR  PATIENCE.  WAL,  WE  CLAIM  TO  HAVE  GOT  A  MAN  HERE  THAT  CAN 
KNOCK  SPOTS  OFF  YOU1" 


122 


PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  16,  1916. 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

(EXTRACTED  FROM  Till:  DlARY  OF  ToiiY,   M.I'.) 

THE  LAST  CHAPTER. 

House  of  Commons,  Tuesday,,  \rtth 
February. — After,  on  nomination  of  my 
revered  master,  Mr.  Punch,  represent- 
ing Berkshire  in  the  Commons  during 
three  reigns,  under  nine  Parliaments, 
captained  in  succession  by  six  Premiers, 
come  to  conclusion  that  I  have  earned 
the  right  to  retire.  Two  ways  of 
voluntarily  vacating  a  seat.  One  l>\  a 
call  to  the  Lords.  The  other  by  applica- 
tion for  Chiltern  Hundreds.  Not  having 
heard  anything  about  the  Peerage,  have 
adopted  latter  course.  The  MKMHEU 
FOR  SARK,  loyal  to  the  last,  insists  on 
following  my  example. 

Accordingly,  when  House  meets  to- 
morrow, writs  will  be  moved  for  elec- 
tions to  fill  two  vacancies.  In  ordinary 
times  this  would  lead  to  interesting 
episode.  Customary  for  the  Chief 
Party  Whip  to  move  for  writ  to  fill 
casual  vacancies  in  his  ranks.  Would 
the  Ministerial  Whip  or  the  Opposi- 
tion Whip  come  forward  to  take  pre- 
liminary step  for  elections  consequent 
on  retirement  of  the  MEMBER  FOE 
BARKS  and  the  MEMBER  FOR  SAHK  '? 

The  closest  observer  of  Parliamentary 
procedure  or  comment  is  not  sure 
whether  in  Party  politics  they  are 
Liberals  or  Conservatives.  Cannot 
indeed  say  on  which  side  of  the  House 
they  sit.  As  it  happens  there  is  at 
this  doubly  memorable  date  no  division 
of  parties,  consequently  no  contending 
Whips.  Writs  for  Barks  and  Sark  will 
accordingly  be  appropriately  moved  by 
Whip  representing  united  House. 

Thirty-five  years  ago  Barks  first 
sent  me  to  Westminster.  Of  Cabinet 
Ministers  then  seated  on  Treasury 
Bencli  none  are  alive  to-day.  GLAD- 
STONE, just  returned  by  overwhelming 
majority,  was  Premier;  GBANVILLE, 
with  consummate  skill  and  dainty 
humour,  led  minority  supporting  Gov- 
ernment in  House  of  Lords  ;  HARCOURT 
was  at  the  Home  Office ;  HARTINGTON, 
Secretary  of  State  for  War ;  CHILDERS 
at  the  Treasury ;  KIMBERLEY  at  the 
India  Office ;  at  the  Irish  Office  FORSTEH, 
with  his  rumpled  hair,  his  rugged 
speech  and  his  gruff  manner,  "  the 
best  Stage  Yorkshireman  of  his  time." 

Much  history  has  been  made  since 
that  time.  Procedure  in  the  Commons 
has  been  revolutionised,  with  the  result 
not  only  of  accelerating  ordinary  busi- 
ness and  leading  to  final  issue  con- 
troversies futilely  raging  for  years,  but 
radically  altering  personal  tone  and 
manner  of  Mother  of  Parliaments. 

Tliat  is  another  story,  too  lengthy  to 

be  told  here.     Glad   to   know   I   was 

j  intimately  acquainted  with  tbe  House 


and,  with  rare  exceptions,  with  the 
principal  personages  in  either  political 
camp  through  a  long  stretch  of  older, 
more  picturesque  time. 

I  close  the  Diary  here,  not  because  1 
am  tired  of  writing  it,  nor,  as  continu- 
ous   testimony    indicates,    because    a 
generous  public  is  tired  of  reading.    But 
I  am  not  disposed  to  linger  superfluous 
on  the  stage.     So  I  withdraw,  carrying 
with  me  my  little  hag  of  tricks,  the  ; 
sententious  Dog,  the  cynical  SARK  and  j 
the  rest  of  the  contents. 

Henceforward  some  new  form  will 
be  given  to  the  "Essence  of  Parlia- 
ment "  which  was  created  hy  SHIRLEY 
BROOKS,  and  enlivened  by  the  hand  of 
TOM  TAYLOR. 

Business  done. — TOHY,  M.P.'s. 


A    DIRTY    NIGHT. 

THE  night  is  starless,  with  a  darkness 
so  enveloping  that  it  seems  to  possess 
palpability.  As  we  reel  westwaid  in  a 
smother  of  water  the  miracle  of  how 
any  human  being  equipped  with  but 
five  senses  can  find  and  keep  his  course 
in  the  chartless  void  that  envelops  us 
smites  me  afresh. 

A  longing  for  an  atmosphere  unim- 
pregnated  witli  petrol  eventually  sends 
me  stumbling  up  the  companion-way 
to  the  deck.  Gripping  tbe  rail,  ]  make 
my  way  forward,  and,  peering  through 
the  mirk,  distinguish  a  huddled  figure 
in  a  sou'wester.  Aloof,  detached,  he 
steers  tbe  shrewdest,  swiftest  path  ever 
carved  through  a  wall  of  blackness  on 
behalf  of  dependent  fellow-creatures. 

"  A  wild  night,"  I  shout. 

He  turns  slightly  and  answers  in  a 
hoarse  bellow,  "  The  better  for  us, 
mister.  Keeps  the  track  clear.  Ought 
to  get  in  ahead  o'  time." 

The  yellow  glare  from  our  lights 
glances  in  broken  splashes  of  colour 
over  the  waters,  as  tbe  squat  craft 
heaves  and  rolls  with  rhythmic  regu-. 
larity.  From  somewhere  below  comes 
the  monotonous  throb  of  tbe  protesting 
engines.  A  red  light  gleams  suddenly 
on  our  starboard,  and  I  catch  my  breath. 
/Eons  pass,  it  seems,  before  a  panther- 
like  clutch  at  the  wheel  carries  us  aside 
in  time  to  let  tbe  offender  plunge 
drunkenly  past.  We  were  near  enough 
to  throw  a  biscuit  on  her  deck.  A  swift 
exchange  of  badinage  follow?. 

"Lost  yer  job  o'  puntin'  coal - 
barges?  " 

"Yuss — they're  usin'  donkey-power 
instead.  I  give  in  your  name  i'ore  I 
left,  but  they  'adn't  a  spare  stable." 
After  which,  the  immediate  danger 
past,  we  plough  our  way  down  a 
blurred  track  on  either  side  of  which 
lurks  Peril  in  a  hundred  grim  and 
invisible  shapes. 


The  temperature,  already  low,  lias 
begun  to  drop  steadily,  and  a  fine 
drizzle  yields  to  a  penetrating  chilli- 
ness which  finds  its  way  to  one's 
very  marrow.  I  am  glad  of  my  heavy 
wraps,  and  inclined,  indeed,  to  envy 
the  huddled  figure,  whose  coverings 
are  still  heavier.  Inwardly  1  wonder 
what  this  clashing  of  the  Nations  h;is 
meant  to  him  :  whether  be  has  wife 
and  children  ;  whether  he  keeps  their 
portraits  ill  some  deep-buried  pocket 
beneath  that  accumulation  of  clothing 
which  engulfs  him  to  the  ear-tips. 

I  am  still  speculating  when  a  second 
figure,  moving  with  the  easy  gait  of 
one  whose  feet  have  trodden  many 
docks,  climbs  the  companion-way  and 
comes  forward  in  leisurely  fashion.  The 
fellow  is  no  stranger;  already,  as  I 
caine  on  board,  I  had  a  glimpse  of  that 
grizzled,  masterful  jaw  and  keen  eyes. 
He  peers  past  mo  towards  his  mate. 

"Elf!" 

"  Yuss?" 

"  Seed  anyfink  o'  young  'Arry  lately  ? ' 

"  Not  me!  " 

"  Well,  I  'ear'e  done  a  bit  in  the  lead- 
slingin'  line  at  a  place  called  Wipeis, 
an'  they  've  been  an'  stuck  some  sort 
o'  French  medal  on  'is  chest." 

"  Blighter  owes  me  fourpence,  any- 
way," roars  Elf;  and  I  infer  that 
neither  of  them  has  a  high  opinion 
of  'Arry's  character  from  the  civilian 
point  of  view. 

Follows  an  interval  filled  with  small 
confused  sounds — the  staccato  note  of 
a  bell,  the  soft  thud  of  a  passenger's 
body  as  ho  is  jerked  unexpectedly 
against  the  rail,  the  pietutosquo  ripple 
of  bis  expostulations  with  Providence. 

A  lamp,  burning  with  unusual  and 
illegal  garishness,  gives  mo  light  enough 
to  examine  my  watch.  It  indicates 
the  proximity  of  midnight.  I  realize 
that  I  am  incredibly  stiff  and  cold,  and 
am  tormented  by  visions  of  unattain- 
able comforts. 

At  last  1  am  conscious  of  a  lino  of 
dimmed  lights,  of  a  distant  roar  of 
escaping  steam,  of  a  violent  quivering 
motion  that  indicates  the  slackening 
of  speed.  We  come  to  a  sudden  halt. 
The  voice  of  Elf  rises  triumphant. 

"Bill!" 

"  Yuss  ?  " 

"  Two  minutes  arter  !  " 

"  Knowed  we  'd  do  it !  " 

And  as  I  stumble  blindly  forth  it  is 
borne  upon  me  that  the  last  Baling 
motor-'bus  has  ended  her  journey  with 
five  minutes  to  spare. 

"  Egypt  is  placidly  awaiting  the  event,  with 
the  absolute  conviction  that  the  Turks  and 
Cn/niians  will  get  the  boating  of  their  lives  in 
the  Sinai  Desert." — Civil  and  Military  Gazette. 

They  certainly  won't  get  it  on  the  Suez 
Canal. 


I'V.liUlTAUY    1C,    191G.] 


PUNCH, 


OR 


TIIK   LONDON   CHA1MV.MM. 


A  MODEST  SUGGESTION  FOB  A 
NEW  HUNNISH  CANTICLE. 

"KAisr.n  WANTS  Ni:\v  NATIONAL  HYMX." 
"Westminster  Cazette"  Heading. 
"Ho  shall  have  it." — Mr.  1'nncli. 

GOD  of  our  Fathers,  God  of  old, 
Who  hast  for  us  such  sympathy, 

Cast  as  Thou  art  in  German  mould, 
Again  wo  raise  our  voice  to  Thee: 

Omnipotence,  wo  need  Thy  hand 

In  air,  on  sea,  canal  and  land ! 

The  English  (who,  Then  knowest,  hide 
Contemptibly  upon  an  islo) 

No  doubt  on  Thee  have  also  cried, 
According  to  their  native  guile; 

Presumption  could  no  further  go 

In  those  who  plunged  the  world  in  woe. 

Thou  wouldst  not  hearken  to  a  race 
Possess3d  of  that  inhuman  Fleet, 

So  cruel,  arrogant  and  base, 

So  steeped  in  rancour  and  deceit. 

'T\vas  they,  remember,  they  alone, 

'Who  forced  this  Burden  on  Thine  own! 

Bless,  rather,  us!  our  arms!  our  cause! 

Pour  on  us  Thy  protecting  love ! 
Sanction  our  fractures  of  Thy  laws, 

By  U,s  beneath,  by  Zeps  above! 
Relieve  us  in  this  dark  impasse ; 
Bless  all  our  efforts ;  bless  our  gas  ! 

Deal  gently  with  us  should  we  tend — 
Presuming  as  Thy  favoured  Bace, 

All  flushed  to  own  so  great  a  Friend — 
To  dereliction  into  grace ! 

Deal  gently  with  us,  Lord,  should  we 

Once  deviate  to  decency  ! 

And  Him,  from  Whom  such  blessings 
flow, 

Our  WILHELM,  first  of  Sons  of  Light, 
Whose  one  ambition  is  to  show 

Mankind  the  rightfulness  of  Might ; 
Bless  Him,  and  forward  His  device 
To  make  an  Earthly  Paradise ! 

And  should  some  other  star  up  there 
(For  all  the  stellar  space  is  Thine) 

Demand  Thy  more  immediate  care, 
And  thus  divert  Thee  from  the  Bhine, 

Thou  need'st  but  mention  it,  and  He 

Thy  Viceroy  hero  will  gladly  be ! 

"  WANT  OF  FOOD. 

Salonika. 

On  returning  to  Salonika  after  an  absence 
of  a  month,  I  find  the  situation  much  relieved 
as  a  result  of  the  deportation  of  tho  enemy 
Consuls  and  the  energetic  measures  adopted 
]•  the  town  of  the  numerous  pie;  pre- 
viously infesting  it." — Provincial  Paper. 

The  headline  seems  justified. 


"  I  bought  a  brochure,  which  explained  that 
tin-   Kmpi'ror  \v.is  not   physically  ill,  but  his 
metal  condition  was  upset" owing'  to  tho  war." 
Evening  Paper. 

Another  allusion,  we  suppose,  to  the 
depreciation  of  the  Mark. 


Nervous  Young  Officer  (to  'bus  conductor).  "  FIRST  SINGLE  TO  OXFORD  CIRCUS.' 
[Tho  authorities  have  recommended  that  officers  should  travel  first-class.] 


"Lord  Crewc  and  Lord  Lansdowno  have 
addressed  tho  following  Whip  to  tho  members 
of  the  House  of  Lords :  On  February  15  an 
address  will  be  moved  in  tho  House  of  Lords 
in  answer  to  His  Majesty's  Speech.  Wo 
venture  to  express  tho  hopo  that  Your  Majesty 
will  find  it  possible  to  attend  in  your  place  on 
that  day." — Yorkshire  Evening  Post. 

Wo  have  heard  of  the  Sovereign  People, 
but  the  Sovereign  Peers  are  new  to  us. 


"In  the  course  of  the  match,  Brelsford,  tho 
United  half-back,  and  Glennon,  tho  Wednes- 
day forward,  were  ordered  off  the  field  for 
fighting.  Upwards  of  16,000  spectators  wit- 
nessed the  match." — Birmingham  Post. 

Mr.  Punch  will  gladly  furnish  any  of 
tho  players,  or  eligibles  amongst  the 
16,000  spectators,  with  the  address 
of  a  field  where  fighters  will  certainly 
not  be  "ordered  off." 


ZEPPELIN  NOISES, 
affected   by  all  sounds, 


"ANIMALS  AND 
SIB,— The  dat   is 
according  to  its  weakness  or  its  strength. 

Morning  Payer. 

We  have  often  noticed  the  same  thing 
about  the  cog. 

"  TYPIST  and  Shorthand  Clerk.— Required 
at  once  for  invoicing  a  young  lady,  accustomed 
to  tho  drapery  trade  preferred." 

Daily  Chronicle. 

Not  an  easy  post.     Some  young  ladies 
are  so  unaccountable. 


"Washington,  Jany.  17. — Mrs.  Emmeline 
Pankhurst  the  suffragette  leader  now  under 
j  parole  in  New  York  will  be  formally  admitted 
I  to  the   United  States  soon  after  her  papers 
reach  Washington.     President  Wilson  is  op- 
posed to  her  execution." — Bermuda  Colonist. 

A  merciful  man,  this  WILSON. 


PUNCH,  Oil   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  16,  191(>. 


At  this  vigorous  denunciation  the  whole  audience  rose  and 
cheered  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour. 


A    CONTROVERSY. 

(From  Our  Own  Correspondent  in  America.) 
i. 

YESTERDAY    President    WILSON    addressed    a    monster 
gathering  of  business  men  at  Ponkapog.     He  said  that  it 
was  a  cruel 
without  ideals 
ideals  far  beyond  any  question  of  making  money  and  would  1  thus  admit  the  legality  of  the  torpedoing  of  the  Lii-iiti/iti<i 


The  situation  is  easier.  Count  BEHNSTORFF  has  declared 
in  an  interview  that  the  German  Government  is  prepared 
I  misconception  to  hold  that  Americans  were  j  to  accept  the  American  formula  if  the  word  "  legality  "  ho 
als.  As  a  matter  of  fact  they  cherished  their '  substituted  for  the  word  "  illegality."  Germany  would 


(lie  rather  than  submit  to  acts  which  were  an  outrage  on 
our  common  humanity.  In  declaring  that  there  was  such 
a  thing  as  being  too  proud  to  fight  he  had,  of  course,  meant 
that  there  was  such  a  thing  as  being  only  too  proud  to 
fight  for  what  was  just  and  right.  This  was  the  American 
attitude,  and  lie  therefore  advocated  national  preparedness 
which  might  possibly  imply 
such  an  increase  in  America's 
naval  and  military  forces  as 
few  people  except  himself  had 
yet  dreamt  of.  At  this  point 
the  audience  rose  en  miisae 
and  cheered  for  ten  minutes. 
Nothing  could  show  more 
clearly  than  this  speech  how 
intensely  critical  are  the  rela- 
tions  between  America  and 
Germany  over  the  Lnsitiiniti 
case.  There  has  been  a  wild 
panic  on  the  New  York  Stock 
Exchange.  A  prominent 
banker  has  expressed  the 
opinion  that  Count  BKRN- 
STORFF  will  receive  his  pass- 
ports to-morrow. 

11. 

Count  BERNSTOHFF  has  not 
called  on  Mr.  LANSING  to-day. 
This  is  considered  a  symp- 
tom of  the  utmost  gravity, 
and  the  exchange  value  of 
the  German  mark  has  receded 
ten  points. 

in. 

Count  BERNSTORFF  was 
closeted  with  Mr.  LANSING 
for  two  hours  this  afternoon. 
Relations  are  evidently! 
strained  to  a  very  danger- 
ous point,  and  the  worst  is  feared. 

IV. 

The  situation  has  appreciably  improved,  and  the  contro- 
versy has  been  narrowed  down  to  the  use  or  omission  of 
the  word  "  illegality."  The  American  Government  insist 
that  Germany  should  admit  the  illegality  of  the  torpedoing 
of  the  Lusitania,  but  for  this  Germany  is  not  yet  prepared, 
though  she  is  willing  to  make  a  formal  expression  of  regret 
at  the  death  of  American  citizens,  whom,  she  is  ready  to 
declare,  she  did  not  intend  to  destroy.  Colonel  ROOSEVELT 
spoke  last  night  at  the  dinner  of  the  Associated  Progressive 
Manufacturers.  He  said  no  touch  of  infamy  or  feebleness 
had  been  omitted  by  the  present  Administration  in  their 
conduct  of  negotiations  with  Germany.  They  had  per- 
formed the  miracle  of  causing  every  true  American  to  blush 
for  his  country.  When  you  met  a  rattlesnake  you  didn't 
waste  time  in  arguing  with  it  or  nattering  it.  Your  duty 
was  to  shoot  it  or  knock  it  on  the  head,  or,  preferably,  to 
employ  both  methods  in  order  to  rid  the  world  of  a  danger. 


and  express  regret  at  the  death  of  American  citizens. 
Count  BERNSTOHFF  points  out  that  Germany  has  thus  gone 
very  far  towards  meeting  the  American  demand.  He  hopes 
and  believes  that  two  great  civilised  nations  will  not  fall 
out  over  so  small  a  matter  as  the  use  or  omission  of  the 
two  letters  •/,  1,  at  the  beginning  of  a  long  word. 


VI. 

Mr.  LANSING  has  in  a  polite 
note  expressed  himself  un- 
able to  accept  Count  BEUN- 
STOHFF'S  offer  as  a  full  satis- 
faction of  America's  demands. 
The  sands  are  evidently  run- 
ning out,  and  there  is  serious 
danger  of  the  negotiations 
proving  abortive.  In  the 
meantime  a  sharp  Note  has 
been  addressed  to  England 
in  regard  to  her  interference 
with  American  commerce. 
Six  munition  works  were 
yesterday  blown  up.  The 
outrage  is  attributed  to  Ger- 
mans. President  WILSON 
is  carefully  considering  his 
action. 


THE   ARMLET  IN   BOREIBODABOO. 
'The  Old  Man.    "Tms  HOT  SPELL  MAKES  ME  GLAD  THAT  I'M 

TOO  OLD   TO  ATTEST." 


The  "Lusitania"  Crisis. 

' '  The  Vienna  Correspondence 
Bureau  emphasises  the  gravity  of 
the  situation,  and  says  that  the 
negotiations  are  interrupted.  This 
interruption,  it  is  added,  is  as  it 
came  from  the  cow. ' ' 

Yorkshire  Post. 

Not,  as  you  might  have  ex- 
pected, from  the  WOLFF. 


"To  prevent  the  eyes  watering 
—  when  peeling  onions,   let  the  tap 
drip  on  theni.     This  keeps  the  fumes  from  rising,  and  if  wanted  for 
frying  they  can  easily  be  dried  in  a  cloth  afterwards." — The  Matron. 
Thanks,  but  we  hardly  ever  want  to  fry  our  eyes. 

'•The  Primate  had  the  novel  and  undesirable  experience  of  bring 
shelled  by  the  enemy,  one  shell  in  fact  bursting  within  twenty-five 
yards  of  him.  The  arrangements  for  this  part  of  his  visit  were 
mostly  made  by  the  Rev.  ,  C.P." — Xorthern  Wh'uj. 

Humorous  fellows,  these  Army  chaplains. 

"  Fou   SALE. — Imported,  fresh  arrival  of  Japanese  Poodles,  very 
handsome,   with  a  long   silken   hair,   smart,   and  pick  up  anything 
taught.     Rs.  200  per  pair." — Tinicft  of  India. 
"  And  beauty  draws  us  with  a  single  hair.'' 

"  What  would  he  say  to  a  chemist  who  could  not  translate  a  common 
tag — for  example,  roui  tetigisti  acer?  " — Morning  Paper, 

We  give  it  up,  like  the  chemist. 

"GENERAL  (good,  refined)  for  modern  non-basement  clergyman's 
house." — Daily  Chronicle. 

The  reverend  gentleman  does  not  mention  his  ecclesiastical 
views  ;  but  we  gather  that  he  is  not  an  Arian. 


K>,  1916.]  PUNCH.   ()|{    TIIK    LONDON    < 'IIAIM  VAIM. 


125 


OUR    VILLAGE    ENTERTAINMENT. 

Boy  (explaining}.  "You  SEE,  AUNTIE,  THE  FELLER  THAT'S  GOING  OUT  HAS  GOT  A  GRUDGE  AGAINST  THE  OTHER  CHAP." 


EAILVVAY  BHYMES. 
WHKN  books  &ve  pow'rless  to  beguile 
And  papers  only  stir  my  bile, 
For  solace  and  relief  I  flee 
To  Bnidshaw  or  the  A.  B.  C., 
And  find  the  best  of  recreations 
In  studying  the  names  of  stations. 


is  not  much  among  the  --i's 
To  prompt  enthusiastic  praise, 
But  B  is  infinitely  better, 
And  there  are  gems  in  ev'ry  letter. 
The  only  fault  I  have  with  Barnack 
Is  that  it  rhymes  with  Dr.  HABNACK; 
Barbon,  Beluncle  Halt,  Bodorgan 
Resound  like  chords  upon  the  organ, 
And  there  's  a  spirit  blithe  and  merry 
In  Kvercreech  and  Egloskerry. 
Park  Drain  and  Counter  Drain,  I'm  sure, 
Are  hygienically  pure, 
But  when  aesthetically  viewed 
They  seem  to  me  a  little  crude. 
I  often  long  to  visit  Frant, 
Hose,  Little  Kiniblo  and  Lelant  ; 
And,  if  I  had  sufficient  dollars, 
Bibley's  (for  Chickney)  and  Neen  Sollars; 
Shustoke  and  Smeeth  my  soul  arride 
And  likewise  Sholing,  Sole  Street,  Shide, 
But  I  'm  afraid  my  speech  might  go 
Awry  on  reaching  Spooner  Bow. 


In  serious  mood  I  often  bend 
My  thoughts  to  Ponder  and  his  End, 
And  when  I  'm  feeling  dull  and  down' 
The  very  name  of  Tibshelf  Town 
Rejoices  me,  while  Par  and  Praze 
And  Pylle  and  Quy  promote  amaze. 

Of  all  the  Straths,  a  numerous  host, 
Strathbungo  pleases  me  the  most, 
While  I  can  court  reluctant  slumber 
By  murmuring  thy  name,  Stogumber* 
Were  I  beginning  life  anew 
From  Swadlincote  I  'd  take  my  cue, 
But  shun  as  I  would  shun  the  scurvy 
The  perilous  atmosphere  of  Turvey. 

But   though   the   tuneful    name    of 

Horbling 

Incites  to  further  doggerel  warbling, 
And  Gallions,  Goonbell,  Gamlingay 
Are  each  deserving  of  a  lay, 
No  railway  bard  is  worth  his  salt 
Who  cannot  bear  to  call  a  "  Halt." 

Encouraging. 

"WANTED,   GIRL;    farmhouse;    last  lived 
wo  years."— Devon  and  Exeter  Gazette. 


The  Pinch  of  War. 

"  Mr. is  having  his  first  show  of  well- 

iiiown   Kn^lish   Corsets,    made   specially   for 
lim." — I'rorim-inl  1'tipcr. 


Getting  Off  Cheaply. 

"Mark  then  explained  to  the  police  that 
they  had  been  'had.'  He  was  promptly 
arrested  for  falsely  representing  himself  as  a 
deserter  and  to-day  was  fined  Os." 

Evening  Paper. 

Judging  by  the  small  value  attached  to 
him  he  might  have  been  the  German 
mark. 


"  LOST,  in  Annfield,  Newhaven,  boy's  bicycle 
(three-wheeled) ;  if  found  in  any  person's  pos- 
session after  this  date  will  bo  prosecuted." 
Edinburgh  Evening  News, 

For  unlawful  acquisition  of  the  extra 
wheel,  we  presume. 


From  a  shop-girl's  account  of  the 
great  War : — 

"I  shall  never  forget  the  Saturday  before 
that  Bank  Holiday  if  I  live  till  I  draw  my  last 
breath." — Daily  Mirror. 

She  ought  to  have  a  fair  chance  of  this. 


"  Sir  Edward  Grey  has  all  manner  of  fine 
and  beautiful  ideals  to  which  we  lay  no  claim. 
But  the  fairy  step-mother  who  was  so  prodigal 
over  his  cradle  yet  denied  him  one  gift." 

Morning  Paper. 

Still,  it  takes  an  exceptional  man  to 
have  a  step- mother  at  birth,  fairy  or 
other. 


126 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  16,  1916. 


AT 


THE    PLAY. 

1  CAROLINE." 


matter  for  counsel  with  her  physician 

and  friend,  Dr.  Cornish  (Mr.  DION 
BOUCICAULT),  who  pleasantly  diagnoses 
middle-age  and  prescribes  a  young 
adorer,  than  which  no  advice  could  he 


his  accustomed  part  of  loyal  friend  and 
incense-hearer.  She  accordingly  pro- 
poses. Appreciating  the  difficulty  of 
directly  refusing  without  discourtesy, 
he  temporises  and  appears  to  fall  in 


more  nicely  calculated  to  restore  her  |  with  her  suggestion  that  he  shall 
lost  feeling  of  queenly  complacency,  announce  their  engagement  to  Robert 
She  sends  for  young  Hex  Cunningham '  and  her  interfering  friends,  who  are 


A  BABY,  did  he  hut  know  it,  is  only 
happy  reaching  out  from  the  hath  for 
the  soap.  When  he  gets  it,  lo !  it  is 
mere  froth  and  bitterness.  That, 
roughly,  is  Mr.  MAUGHAM'S  idea  in 
Caroline, 

If  you  are  to  love  a  woman,  for 
heaven's  sake,  says  lie,  take  care  that 
she  1)6  safe  bound  beyond  your  reach. 
All  attainment  is  dead-sea  fruit.  But 
how  is  anyone  to  believe  this  depressing 
sort  of  doctrine  when  the  woman  in 
question  is  such  an  engaging  divinity 

as  his  Caroline  Ashley,  interpreted  by   ginning  to  understand  the  dark  philo-   amiable  habit  of  occasionally  putting 
Miss  IRENE  VANBRUGH  at  the  very  top  ,  sophy  of  Mr.  SOMERSET  MAUGHAM.    In   about  a  rumour  of  his  decease.     Caro- 


(Mr.  MARTIN  LEWIS),  a  morbid  egoist, 
who  nourishes  a  hopeless  passion  for 
her  (and  others),  being  well  aware  of 
the  paramount  claims  of  Robert.  She 
contrives  to  let  him  know  that  she  is 
free,  and  the  youth,  whose  pet  hobby 
is  hopeless  passion,  at  once  sheers  off 
in  alarm.  Caroline  is  learning — is  be- 


promptly  telephoned  for  to  hear  an 
interesting  statement.  But  Cornish 
proves  himself  a  WOLFF  in  sheep's 
clothing.  Instead  of  announcing  the 
engagement  he  asserts  that  he  has  just 
seen  Stephen  Ashley,  the  husband :  a 
lie  which  obtains  credence  with  the 
others  because  of  the  dead  man's 


of  her  form  ?  The  doctrine, 
indeed,  may  be. hanged  for 
the  nefarious  half  -  truth  it 
is  ;  but  this  would  still  leave 
you  free  to  appreciate  one 
of  the  most  brilliant  and 
finished  pieces  of  work  which 
Mr.  MAUGHAM  has  yet  done 
for  the  stage.  True,  it  is 
merely  an  airy  trifle ;  but  it 
is  almost  perfect  of  its  kind. 
The  action  opens  on  the 
•momma  of  the  announce- 
ment in  The,  Times  of  the 
death  of  Caroline's  extremely 
difficult  husband,  who  h'as 
long  been  a  wanderer  seek- 
ing spirituous  consolations 
in  out-of-the-way  places  of 
the  earth.  Robert  Oldham,  a 
quite  delightful  barrister  (Mr. 
LEONARD  BOYNE  ;  so  you 
will  understand  the  "delight- 
ful"), has  worshipped  Caro- 
line with  an  honourable 
fidelity  for  ten  years,  waiting 
patiently  for  the  day  on 
which"  she  shall  be  free.- 


Well,  here  is  the  long  -  desired  day. 
Affectionate,  officious  friends  come  to 
congratulate  each  of  the  pair  before 
they  meet,  and  each  confesses  to  a 
curious  chilling  sense  of  dread.  When 
the  embarrassing  moment  of  the  tete- 
a-tete  arrives,  Robert,  obviously  ill-at- 
ease  and  apparently  more  as  a  matter 
of  duty  than  of  eager  conviction,  sug- 
gests that  Caroline  shall  name  the  day. 
She  gives  him  a  blank  refusal.  Both 
affect  dismay  at  this  queer  ending  of 
their  long-deferred  hopes,  but  event- 
ually confess,  mid  peals  of  their  own 
happy  laughter,  their  actual  relief.  So 
ends  the  first  chapter. 

A  later  hour  of  the  same  day  finds 
our  heroine  on  her  sofa,  languid  from 
the  morning's  emotions,  and  indulging 
in  the  luxury  of  not  feeling  at  all  well. 
Her  world  is  crumbling.  She  cannot 
do  without  a  slave,  and  Robert  can  no 
longer  fill  quite  the  old  role.  Clearly  a 


line,  with  superb  presence 
of  mind,  seeing  a  glorious 
way  out  of  a  dilemma,  adopts 
the  lie,  contrives  a  more  or 
less  plausible  explanation, 
and  thus  establishes  the 
status  quo  ante — the  grass 
widow  with  the  faithful  and 
contented  adorer. 

The  play,  whose  only  flaw 
was  a  certain  rather  upset- 
ting ambiguity  (whether  acci- 
dental or  designed  I  could  not 
quite  gather)  in  the  last  few 
sentences  before  the  curtain 
fell,  was  interpreted  with  a 
very  fine  intelligence.  Miss 
IRENE  VANBHUGH'S  superbly 
trained  talent  showed  itself 
in  an  astonishing  range  of 
moods  tethered  in  a  plausible 
unity  of  conception.  Mr. 
BOYNE,  who  is  just  coming 
into  his  own,  scored  bull 
after  bull.  Perhaps  he  didn't 
make  Oldham  quite  the  Eng- 
lishman that  the  author  (I 
should  say)  designed,  but 
despair  she  again  turns  to  Robert.  They  rather  an  Irishman  of  that  delightfully 
become  engaged  and  promptly  begin  faint  flavour  -which  is  so  entirely  at- 


ag  A/- 


BLIGHTED  TROTH. 

Caroline  Ashley    .......    Miss  IRENE  VANBHUGH. 

Robert  Oldham     .     ......    MR.  LEONARD  BOYSE. 


quarrelling   about   their  houses.      He 


tractive.     Miss  LILLAH  MACARTHY,  as 


objects  to  her  Futurist  bathroom  ;  she,  MaudeFulton,  a  well-preserved  bachelor 
to  his,  which  is  so  like  a  tube  station  in  the  most  bizarre  modern  mode,  also 


that  she  would  bathe  in  constant  appre- 
hension of  the  sudden  appearance  of  a 
young  man  demanding  tickets.  Robert 


a  dexterous  liar  and  officious  match- 
maker, played  with  her  head  in  her 
most  accomplished  manner  and  gave 


begins  to  assert  his  masculine  rights  to ;  full  value  in  the  general  scheme  to  a 
control  these  and  sundry  matters.  She  :  character  which  the  author  made  a  per- 
realises  (oh,  venerable  gag  of  the  son  when  he  might  have  been  content 
cynics!)  that  the  fetters  which  would  with  a  peg.  Mr.  DION  BOUCICAULT'S 
unite  their  bodies  would  put  a  barrier  i  physician  was  as  bland  a  humbug  as 
between  their  souls.  The  engagement  ever  coined  guineas  in  Mayfair.  Mr. 


is  by  mutual  consent  declared  off. 


MARTIN  LEWIS,  as  a  profoundly  silly 


Eealising,  however,  in  Chapter  III.,  ass,  played   a   difficult   hand  without 

that  she  needs  Robert's  devotion  more  fault.     Miss  NINA  SEYENING,  as  a  con- 

than   anything   else,    she   conceives  a  soler  of  handsome  men  in  trouble,  and 

plot.     Dr.  Cornish  makes  an  opportune  Miss  FLORENCE  LLOYD,  as  Caroline's 

call,  not  this  time  as  a  doctor,  but  as  j  maid,  competently  rounded  off  in  subsi- 

a  whole-hearted  admirer.     With  just  diary  roles  the  work  of  the  principals, 

such  an  one  for  my  husband,  thinks  Yes,   undoubtedly    a    brilliant    per- 

Caroline,   Robert  could   again  assume  formance.                                           T. 


Fi.;i!urAiiY  1C,  1916.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON"  CHA  KI\  AIM. 


1-27 


Huntsman.  "  GIVE  us  A  BIT  o'  ROOM!    You  WAS  NEARLY  IN  MY  POCKET  THAT  TIMK." 
Flat-race  Jockey.  "ROOM?    WHY,  I  WAS  NEARLY  HALF  A  LENGTH  BEHIND  YOU." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
THE  evolution  of  the  long  novel  appears  to  be  following 
that  of  the  human  race.  Instead  of  the  individual,  the 
family  now  threatens  to  become  the  central  unit.  I  confess 
that,  this  prospect,  as  evidenced  by  Three  Pretty  Men 
(Mi'.THUEN),  fills  me  with  some  just  apprehension.  Mr. 
(iiLHEiiT  CANNAN  has  set  out  to  tell  how  a  Scotch  family, 
throe  brothers,  a  mother,  and  some  sisters  in  the  back- 
ground, determines  to  make  its  fortune  in  a  South  Lanca- 
shire city  (very  recognisable  under  the  name  of  Thrigsby), 
and  how  eventually  all  but  one  of  them  succeed.  It  is  a 
long  book  and  a  close;  and  the  dialogue  (which  of  its 
kind  is  good  dialogue,  crisp  and  illuminating),  being  printed 
without  the  usual  spacing,  produces  an  indigestible-looking 
p;ig<i  that  might  well  alarm  a  reader  out  for  enjoyment. 
Tho  book,  in  its  record  of  the  progress  of  the  three, 
.1  antic  and  Tom  and  John,  is  really  more  a  study  of  social 
conditions  in  mid-Victorian  Manchester  than  a  work  of 
imagination.  But  there  is  clever  character-drawing  in 
it,  especially  in  Jennie,  who  from  a  worldly  point  of  view 
is  tlio  failure  of  the  group,  making  no  money,  and  drift- 
ing through  journalism  to  emigration  ;  and  in  the  finely 
suggnsted  figure  of  Tibby,  the  ill-favoured  kitchen  drudge, 
who  is  his  real  centre  of  inspiration.  But  first  and  last 
it  remains  a  dull  business,  partly  from  an  entire  lack  of 
humour,  partly  from  the  absence  of  any  settled  plan  that 
might  help  one  to  endure  the  dreariness  of  the  setting.  Mr. 
CANNAN  certainly  knows  his  subject,  and  few  novels  indeed 
have  given  me,  rightly  or  wrongly,  a  greater  suggestion  of 


autobiography.     But  for  once  the  art  of  being  exhaustive 
without  being  exhausting  seems  to  have  eluded  him. 

If  you  want  really  to  get  a  picture  of  war  as  she  is 
waged  by  an  obscure  unit  in  the  thick  of  the  dirtiest, 
dampest  and  most  depressing  part,  read  PATRICK  MJvcGiLL's 
The  lied  Horizon  (.JENKINS).  Hero  we  meet  the  author  of 
The  Children  of  the  Dead  End  and  The  Hat  Pit  as  Rifleman 
3008  of  the  London  Irish,  involved  in  the  grim  routine  of 
the  firing  line — reliefs,  diggings  and  repairs,  sentry-go's, 
stand-to's,  reserves,  working  and  covering  parties,  billets ; 
and  so  da  capo.  With  a  rare  artistic  intuition,  instead  of 
diffusing  his  effects  in  a  riot  of  general  impressions,  he  has 
confined  himself  to  a  record  of  the  doings  of  his  section, 
and  I  have  read  nothing  that  gives  anything  near  so 
convincing  an  impression  of  the  truth,  at  once  splendid  and 
bitter.  It  is  a  privilege  to  bo  shown,  through  the  medium 
of  an  imaginative  temperament,  the  fine  comradeship  of 
the  trenches,  the  heroism  that  shines  through  the  haunting 
fear  of  death,  mostly  conquered  with  a  laugh,  but  some- 
times frankly  expressed  in  the  pathetic  desire  for  a 
"  blighty  "  wound — a  wound  just  serious  enough  to  send  the 
envied  hero  home.  You  won't  get  much  of  the  Romance 
of  War  out  of  this  strong  piece  of  work,  except  the  jolly 
sort  of  romance  of  the  little  Cockney,  Bill,  who,  when  the 
regiment  in  reserve  was  crouching  in  the  trench  under 
heavy  shelling,  cheered  it  by  delivering  himself  character- 
istically as  follows :  "If  I  kick  the  bucket  don't  put  a 
cross  with  '  'E  died  for  'is  King  and  Country '  over  me.  A 
bully  beef  tin  at  my  'ead  will  do,  and—'  'E  died  doin' 
fatigues  on  an  empty  stomach."  " 


128 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  1G,  1916. 


If  you  wore  the  hero  of  a  novel,  the  only  possible  mate  (  If  'tis  love  that  makes  the  world  go  round,  it  is  certainly 
for  the  heroine,  and,  in  short,  taking  you  all  round,  an  im- 1  the  same  force  that  maintains  the  circulation  of  the 
portant  sort  of  person,  would  you  not  consider  yourself  ]  libraries.  So  it  is  safe  to  assume  that  such  a  title  as 
hardly  treated  if  you  were  not  allowed  to  make  the  girl's  ,  The  Little  Blind  God  (MELROSE)  is  itself  enough  to  pre- 
acquaintance  till  page  311,  when  you  knew  there  were  to  i  serve  the  volume  that  bears  it  from  any  wallflower  existence 
be  only  three  hundred  and  thirty-two  pages  in  the  book  ?  on  the  less  frequented  shelves.  But  as  for  the  story  to 
I  disagree  entirely  with  Roger  Qiiinn,  in  Miss  BEATRICE  j  which  Miss  ANNE  WEAVER  lias  given  this  attractive  name 
KEI.STOX'S  The.  Blows  of  Circumstance  (LONG),  when,  re- '  I  find  it  very  difficult  to  say  anything,  good  or  bad.  Only 
viewing  the  affair,  he  writes  to  a  friend:  "It's  amazing  |  once  did  its  placid  unfolding  cause  me  any  emotion,  even 
that  we  fell  short  of  perfect  understanding."  My  opinion  the  mildest.  Old  Lady  Conyers  had  adopted  as  companion 
is  that  liorjer  did  extremely  well  in  the  little  time  he  was :  one  Mistress  Barbara  Cardeen  (need  I  interpolate  that  the 
given.  Of  course  he  had  conducted  the  case  for  the  Crown  time  is  the  eighteenth  century?  O  brocade  and  lavender! 
when  she  was  in  the  dock,  charged  with  murder,  and  that ;  O  swords  and  candle-light  and  general  tushery  !),  whom 


formed  a  sort  of  bond  between 
them  ;  but  even  so  I  don't  see 
how  he  could  have  got  much 
nearer  to  a  complete  under- 
standing, considering  that  the 
girl  dashed  off  and  committed 
suicide  almost  before  he  could 
get  a  word  in.  If  my  enjoy- 
ment of  The  Blows  of  Circum- 
stance waned  towards  the  end 
and  the  book  seemed  to  me  to 
lose  grip,  it  was  because  the 
sudden  discovery  on  the  part 
of  Quinn  and  Amalie  Gui/ne 
that  they  were  soul- mates  was 
too  sudden  to  convince  ine. 
Up  to  the  beginning  of  the 
trial  the  story  has  vigour  and 
an  air  of  probability,  with  its 
careful  building-up  of  Amalie  s 
curious  character  and  the  vivid 
description  of  her  life  on  the 
stage  and  off  it  in  the  society 
of  a  drug-taking  husband  ;  but 
from  that  point  on  it  seemed 
to  me  to  fail.  In  real  life  all 
might  have  happened  just  as 
it  is  set  down,  but  real  life  is 
sloppily  constructed.  A  novel 
must  obey  more  rigid  rules. 
Miss  KELSTON  writes  ex- 
tremely well,  if  a  trifle  too 
gloomily  for  my  personal 
taste,  but  she  cannot  afford 
to  ignore  the  laws  of  con- 
struction and  hurl  her  big 
situation  at  the  reader  with 
an  abrupt  "  Take  it  or  leave 


she  found  playing  a  violin  in 
the  streets  of  Bath — I  should 
say  the  Bath  ;  let  us  above  all 
things  be  atmospheric !  As  her 
ladyship  had  a  most  eligible 
son,  and  as  liarbara — the  chit! 
— naturally  hadn't  a  guinea,  I 
own  I  was  slightly  astonished 
to  find  the  dowager  positively 
hurling  the  young  couple  at 
each  other's  heads.  However, 
doubtless  Jjttili/  Coni/crs,  as 
herself  a  novel-reader,  knew 
that  the  thing  was  inevitable 
anyway.  But  before  this  there 
were  of  course  the  misunder- 
standings. Mistress  Barbara 
had,  in  the  violin  days,  a  half- 
brother  ;  and  this  gentleman 
very  obligingly  turns  up  iucoj- 
nito  at  Conyers  End,  and  even 
goes  to  the  expense  of  hiring 
rooms  in  a  cottage  on  the 
estate,  for  no  other  purpose 
in  life  than  that  his  conspic- 
uously clandestine  meetings 
with  the  fair  Barbara  should 
be  misconstrued  as  an  assigna- 
tion. Ha !  out,  rapiers  !  and 
let  us  be  ready  for  the  mo- 
ment when  Barbara,  rushing 
between  the  combatants,  re- 
her  own  bosom  the 


ceives  in 


ANOTHER  EXAMPLE 


Officer  of  Zeppelin  (in perfect  English). 

DIRECT    MK   TO   THE    WAR    OFFICE?" 


PRUSSIAN  EFFRONTERY. 
WOULD  YOU  KINDLY 


for- 


etc. 


it! 


For  Thirteen  Stories  I  've  nought  but  praise, 
Although  you  '11  find  when  you  overhaul  them 

They  're  best  described,  in  the  author's  phrase, 

As  "  sketches,  studies  or  what  do  you  call  them  ?  " 

Per  DUCKWORTH  forward  and  back  you  trek ; 

You  may  book  right  through  or  choose  between  a 
Peep  at  Perim  or  Chapultepec, 

Sahara,  Hampstead  or  Argentina. 

You  may  halt,  if  you  will,  at  phalansteries, 

"Where  Mescaleros  on  maturangos 
Eat  or  drink  (whichever  it  is) 

Baked  tortillas  and  twang  changangos. 

Suchlike  things  come  easy  as  pie 
To  the  author,  Mr.  CUNNINGHAMS  GRAHAM, 

And  I  quite  like  'em  so  long  as  I 

Have  only  to  read  and  not  to  say  'em. 


blade  intended 
But  of  course  not  enough 
blade  to  endanger  the  happy 
ending.  So  there  you  are.  A 
placid,  undistinguished  tale,  that  may  be  commended  as 
nourishment  or  soporific  according  to  the  taste  and  fancy 
of  the  reader. 

An  Optimist. 

"Gentlewoman,  bright,  owing  to  War,  offers  Companionship  in 
Return  for  hospitality,  laundry,  and  travelling  expenses." 

Morning  Paper. 

"An  attack  on  the  compulsory  vice  bill  now  before  the  House  of 
Lords  was  made  by  the  president  of  the  conference,  William  C. 
Anderson." — Neir  York  Globe. 

Our  American  contemporary  is  misinformed.  The  measure 
in  question  seeks  to  make  virtue  compulsory — the  virtue 
of  patriotism. 

"The  following  French  official  communique  was  issued  this 
afternoon: — 3.25. — Bouton  Rouge  1,  Dordogne  '2,  Kiteh  3.  Eight 
ran." — Krening  Tillies  and  Echo. 

We  are  sorry  that  K.  OF  K.  didn't  do  better. 


FEBRUARY  23,  1916.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON    <'II.\I!I\  A  HI. 


129 


CHARIVARIA. 

THE  threatened  shortage  of  paper 
I  has  led  a  few  unkind  persons  to 
I  enquire  upon  what  our  diplomatic  vic- 

I  tories  arc  hereafter  to  he  achieved. 

*  ••'.•• 

An    interned   Gorman   was   recently 
given  a  week's  freedom  in  which  to  get 
I  married,   and  the  interesting  question 
has  now  been  raised  as  lo  whether  his 
children,  when  they  reach  the  age  of 
twenty-one,  will  he  liable  to  the  Con- 
scription Act  or  will  have  to  be  interned 
as  alien  enemies.  ...  ^ 
'"* 

According  to  Miss  EIJ.EN  TKURY  hut 
little  attention  has  been  given  by  the 
critics  to  the  letters  in  SHAKSPEAKE'S 
plays.  Wo  rather  thought  that  one  of 
Germany's  intelligent  young  professors 
had  recently  subjected  the  letters  to  a 
searching  analysis,  the  result  being  to 
establish  beyond  a  reasonable  doubt 
that  England  started  the  War. 
'•'•'•  ••'• 

From  T)ic  Observer  :  — 

"  Tho  King  has  sent  a  congratulatory  letter 
to  Mrs.  Miinn  of  Nottingham,  who  has  nine 
sons  serving  in  the  Army  and  Navy.  This  is 
believeil  to  lie  a  record  for  one  working-class 

family." 

Though  a  mere  bagatelle,  of  course,  for 
the  idle  rich.          „,  ^ 
* 

We  regret  to  read  of  the  death  from 
tuberculosis  of  one  of  the  most  popular 
and  playful  of  the  Zoological  Society's 
crocodiles.  Death  is  said  to  have  been 
hastened  by  a  severe  chill  contracted 
by  the  intelligent  reptile  as  the  result 
of  leaving  off  a  warm  undervest,  the 
gift  of  an  elderly  female  admirer,  in 
order  to  pursue,  in  jest,  of  course,  the 
keeper  of  the  reptile  house  down  a  drain. 


A  Persian  newspaper  entitled 
is  now  being  published  in  Berlin  for 
the  purpose  of  increasing  popular  in- 
terest in  Persian  affairs.  Its  title  is 
short  for  "  Kavi'h  kit  nan!"  (Beware 
of  the  Bulldog  !) 

Women  who  have  volunteered  to  do 
agricultural  work  in  place  of  men 
called  to  the  colours  will  wear  a  green 
armlet,  green  being  selected  in  prefer- 
ence to  red  on  account  of  the  possi- 
bility of  cows.  ...  ... 

•'f  ' 

The  proposal  that  wives  whose 
husbands,  though  of  military  age,  have 
not  attested  under  the  Derby  Act  shall 
be  allowed  to  wear  a  ribbon  on  the  left 
arm  to  signify  that  it  is  not  their  fault, 
is  said  to  have  received  considerable 
support.  .,  :, 

There  is  no  pleasing  everybody.    Last 


ONLY  TO  THIN*^  THAT 

KAISEA  WILHE.LM  ,         COUNT    ZEPPELIN, 


VON 
TIKPITZ. 


AND 
CROWN 


ALL   LOOKED    L1KE_THIS    OMC 


OUGHT    WE    TO    GROW    UP? 


week  Mr.  TENNANT  told  the  House  of 
Commons   that   hereafter  "  the   Navy 
would  undertake  to  deal  with  all  hostile 
aircraft  attempting  to  reach  this  coun- 
try, while  the  Army  undertook  to  deal 
with  all  aircraft  which  reached  these 
shores."     And  now  the  Horse  Marines 
|  are  asking  bitterly  why  they  are  not  to 
I  be  permitted  to  share  in  the  great  work. 

••',- 

The  German  Government  has  put 
restrictions  on  the  sale  of  sauerkraut, 
and  a  hideous  rumour  is  afoot  to  the 
effect  that  they  are  preparing  to 'use  it 
on  the  prisoners  by  forcible  feeding. 

It  is  said  of  the  Chicago  moat-packers 


that  they  use  every  part  of  the  pig 
except  the  squeal.  As  the  result  of 
the  restriction  put  upon  wood  pulp  an 
equally  economical  process  is  to  be 
applied  to  our  old  newspapers. 

"  Several  new  records  were   established   at 
the  (leelong   wool   salos,    including   '20d.    for 
merino  lambs.  —  Renter." 


This  revival  of  the  ancient  pastime  of 
chasing  the  greasy  lamb  will  be  of 
interest  to  antiquarians. 

*    :;-. 

From  The  Irish  '  Times  :  "  Wanted 
Lad  as  assistant  plumber.  Experience 
not  nwasary."  After  all  there  is  some- 
thing to  l>e  said  for  the  ravages  of  war. 


130 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  23,  1916. 


ERZERUM:    A  SET-BACK  IN  THE  HOLY  WAR. 

KAISEH  TO  SULTAX. 

MY  Moslem  brother,  this  is  sad,  sad  news, 
So  sad  that  I  permit  myself  to  mention 
How  much  it  modifies  my  sanguine  views 
Of  Allah's  intervention. 

In  that  combine  for  holy  ends  and  high 

Of  which  I  let  him  figure  as  the  joint  head 
I  must  (bet-ween  ourselves)  confess  that  I 
Am  gravely  disappointed. 

"Without  his  help  I  did  the  Balkan  stunt, 

But  when  I  left  him  to  his  own  devices 
To  operate  upon  a  local  front 

He  failed  me  at  the  crisis. 

I  could  not  run  the  show  in  every  scene, 

Not  all  at  once ;    and  Caucasus  was  chilly — • 
Fifty  degrees  of  frost,  which  would  have  been 
Bad  for  the  health  of  WILLIE. 

And  then  to  think  that  he  should  let  me  down 

When  I  was  sore  in  need  of  heavenly  comfort, 
Making  the  Christian  free  of  Erzerum  town, 
Which,  as  you  know,  is  "  some  "  fort. 

Not  that  I  mind  the  mere  material  loss, 
But  poor  Armenia,  hitherto  quiescent, 
Who  sees  the  barbarous  brigands  of  the  Cross 
Trampling  her  trusted  Crescent ! 

True,  you  have  spared  the  major  part  this  pain, 

But  for  the  remnant,  who  escaped  your  heeding, 
My  heart  (recovered,  thankyou,  from  Louvain), 
Once  more  has  started  bleeding. 

.         0.  S. 

MY  WAR   STORIES. 

Dm  you  ever  try  to  write  War  stories'?  I  am  not 
alluding  to  Press  telegrams  from  Athens,  Amsterdam  or 
Copenhagen,  but  legitimate  magazine  fiction.  Once  I 
was  reasonably  competent  and  could  rake  in  my  modest 
share  of  War  profits.  But  recently  dibbers," of  the  Inter- 
national Fiction  Syndicate,  approached  me  and  said,  "  Old 
man,  do  me  some  War  stuff.  Anything  you  like,  but  it 
must  have  a  novel  climax." 

"  Not  in  a  War  story,"  I  protested. 

"  Can  you  deliver  the  goods  ?  "  said  Clibbers  sternly. 

After  that  what  could  I  do  but  alter  the  stories  I  had  in 
stock. 

For  example  there  was  my  fine  story,  "  Retrieved."  The 
innocent  convict  (would  that  I  had  the  happy  innocence 
of  the  convict  of  fiction  ! )  emerges  from  Portmoor.  In  a  few 
well-chosen  words  the  genial  old  prison  governor  (to  avoid 
libel  actions  I  hasten  to  say  that  no  allusion  is  made  to 
any  living  person)  advises  the  released  man  to  make  a 
new  career.  The  convict  marches  to  the  recruiting  oflice 
and  enlists.  In  a  couple  of  paragraphs  he  is  at  the  Front; 
on  the  second  page  he  saves  the  Colonel's  life,  captures  a 
German  trench  on  page  three,  and  in  less  time  than  it  takes 
to  do  it  gains  the  V.C.,  discovers  the  villain  dying  repentant 
with  a  full  confession  in  his  left  puttee,  and  embraces  the 
girl  who  chanced  to  be  Red-Crossing  in  the  rear  of  the 
German  position — presumably  having  arrived  there  by 
aeroplane.  This  seemed  to  me  both  probable  and  credible 
in  a  magazine.  Still  a  novel  climax  was  needed.  After  the 
few  well-chosen  words  from  the  prison  governor  I  took  the 


convict  to  the  nearest  public-house,  let  him  discover  that 
the  new  restrictions  were  in  force,  and  brought  the  story 
to  a  novel  conclusion  by  making  him  say  with  oaths  to  the 
recruiting  officer  that  he  would  be  jiggered  if  ever  he 
formed  fours  for  such  a  rotten  old  country. 

I  thought  that,  at  any  rate,  I  had  provided  one  surprise 
for  my  readers.  Then  I  turned  to  my  psychological 
study,  entitled  "The  Funk."  There  wasn't  much  story 
in  this,  but  a  good  deal  about  a  man's  sensations  when  in 
danger.  I  could  picture  the  horror  of  it  from  personal 
experience,  for  my  rear  rank  man  has  nearly  brained  me 
a  dozen  times  when  the  specials  have  bayonet  drill  (I 
also  have  nearly  brained — but  I  am  wandering  from  the 
subject).  Well,  the  Funk  at  the  critical  moment  ran  away, 
but,  being  muddled  by  German  gas  clouds,  ran  straight  into 
the  German  lines.  He  thought  that  people  were  trying 
to  intercept  his  flight.  In  panic  he  cut  them  down. 
At  the  last  moment  he  cut  the  CROWN  PRINCE'S  smile  in 
twain.  (In  fiction,  mark  you,  it  is  quite  allowable  to  put 
the  CROWN  PRIXCE  into  the  firing  line).  Then  came  glory, 
the  D.C.M.  and  a  portrait  of  some  one  else  with  the 
Funk's  name  attached  in  The  Daily  Snaji.  However, 
novelty  was  needed.  I  concluded  by  leaving  the  Funk 
hiding  in  a  dug-out  when  the  British  charged  and  eating 
the  regiment's  last  pot  of  strawberry  jam. 

I  turned  to  another  romance,  entitled  "  Secret  Service," 
and  found  to  my  joy  that  this  needed  very  little  alteration. 
The  hero  chanced  to  be  in  Germany  at  the  outset  of  the 
war.  He  was  imprisoned  at  Euhleben,  Potsdam,  Dantzic, 
Frankfort  and  Wilhelmshaven.  Ho  escaped  from  these 
places  by  swimming  the  Rhine  (thrice),  the  Danube,  the 
Mouse,  the  Elbe,  the  Vistula,  the  Bug,  the  Volga,  the  Kiel 
Canal  and  Lake  Geneva.  He  chloroformed,  sandbagged, 
choked  and  gagged  sentinels  throughout  the  length  and 
breadth  of  Germany.  From  under  a  railway  carriage  seat 
he  overheard  a  conversation  between  ENVEK  BEY  and 
BEHNHARDI.  Concealed  beneath  a  pew  at  a  Lutheran 
church  he  heard  COUNT  ZEI>.  and  VON  TIRP.  exchanging 
deadly  secrets.  Finally  he  emerged  from  a  grandfather's 
cfock  as  the  KAISER  was  handing  the  CROWN  PBINCE  some 
immensely  important  documents,  snatched  them,  stole  an 
aeroplane,  bombed  a  Zeppelin  or  two  on  his  homeward 
way,  and  landed  exhausted  at  Lord  KITCHENER'S  feet. 
Here  came  the  change.  Instead  of  opening  the  parcel  to 
discover  the  plans  of  the  German  staff,  the  WAR  SECRETARY 
found  in  his  hand  this  document : — 

"  Sausage  Prices  in  Berlin  :  Pork  Sausage,  3  marks  80  pf .; 
Horse  Sausage,  3  marks  45  pf.;  Dog  Sausage,  2  marks  95  pf. 
Gott  mit  uns. — VVTJLHELM." 

I  sent  the  three  romances  to  Clibbers  and  waited  his 
reply  with  anxiety.  It  came  promptly  and  as  follows  :-— 
"Are  you  mad? — CLIHHERS." 

Instantly  I  sent  him  the  first  versions  of  these  mag- 
nificent fictions.  He  phoned  me  at  once,  "That's  the 
kind  of  novelty  I  want.  Send  me  some  more." 

You  will  see  "Retrieved,"  "The  Funk,"  and  "Secret 
Service  "  in  the  magazines  shortly.  Don't  trouble  if  the 


titles  differ, 
story  plots. 


After  all,  there  are  only  three  genuine  Wai- 


More  Stories  of  Old  London. 


(With  acknowledgments  to  "  The  Evening  Keics") 
Mr.  George  Washington  Turpin,  Islington,  writes : — 

"I  wonder  if  Mr.  G.  R.  Sims  remembers  a  curious  horsey  character 
known  as  John  Gilpin,  who  rode  in  state  one  day  from  his  home 
in  the  City  to  the  Bell  at  Kdmonton.  I  shall  never  forget  the  crowd 
that  assembled  to  see  him  pass  through  Islington.  It's  quite  a 
while  ago  and  my  memory  is  not  so  clear  as  it  might  be,  but  being  a 
bit  of  a  road-hog  he  missed  the  Bell  and  went  on  to  York  or  some- 
where." 


PUNCH,  OR  THK   LONDON  CHARIVARI.— FKIIUITABY  23,  IQlfi. 


DUAL  CONTROL. 

"A    KIND    OF    A    GIDDY    HARUMFRODITE— SOLDIER    AN'    SAILOR    TOO." 


KlPLIXO. 

["  Sir  PERCY  SCOTT  has  not  quite  left  the  Admiralty  and  has  not.  quite  joined  the  War  Office."— Mr.  Eu.is  GRIFFITH,  in  tlic  House. 
Since  this  remark  Lord  KITCHESEU  has  announced  that  the  Admiral  is  to  act  as  expert  adviser  to  Field-Marshal  Lord  FP.ENCII,  who  is 
taking  over  the  responsibility  for  home  defence  against  aircraft.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAPJYAIir. 


23,  1916. 


THE    SIMMERERS. 

'I  SHALL  never  shake  it  off,"  said  Fraucesca. 


It  was 


six  o'clock  and  she  had  just  conic  in  from  having  tea  with 


treasurers  and  secretaries,  and  then  we  go  ahead  and  do 
things.  If  we  were  only  left  to  ourselves  we  should  never 
call  a  meeting  of  any  committee  after  we  'd  once  started  it. 
It 's  the  men  who  insist  on  committees  meeting." 


"Yes,  and  on  keeping  them  from  breaking  their  rules." 
"  What 's  the  use  of  having  committees  if  you  can't  break 


their  silly  old  rules  ?  " 

'Amiable  anarchist,"  1  said,  "let  us  abandon  commit- 


some  friends. 

"Shake  what  off?"  I  said. 

"  My    Cimmerian    gloom,"    she    said.      "  Haven't    you 
noticed  it  ?  " 

"  No,"  I  said,  "  I  can't  say  I  have.    Perhaps  if  you  stood  j  tees  and  return  to  Mrs.  Eowley." 
with  your  hack  to  the  light — yes,  there  's  just  a  xoiipcon  of  j      "  Well,"  she  said,  "  we  soon  got  on  to  the  War." 
it  now,  but  nothing  that  I  could  honestly  call  Cimmerian."  j      "  You  might  easily  do  that,"  I  said.     "  The  subject  has 

"Of  course  you'd  be  sure  to  say  that.     I  can  never  get   its  importance.     What  does  Mrs.  Rowley  think  of  it?" 


you  to  believe  in  my  headaches,  and  now  you  won't  notice 
my  Cimmerian  gloom." 


"Mrs.  Eowley  thinks  it's  all  perfectly  splendid.     She 
hasn't   the  least  doubt   about  anything.     She  knows  the 


Francesca,"  I  said,  "  I  do  not  like  to  hear  you  speak  |  uncle  of  a  man  whose  cousin  is  in  the  War  Office  and  often 
lightly  of  your  headaches.     To  me  they  are  sacred  institu-  j  sees   Lord   KITCHENER   in  the   corridors,   and    he  's  quite 
tions,  and  I  should  never  dare  to  tamper  with  them.    Don't 
I  always  walk  on  tiptoe  and  speak  in  a  whisper  when  you 
have  a  headache  ?     You  know  I  do,  even  when  you  don't 
happen  to  be  in  the  room.     If  your  gloom  is  the  same  sort 
of  thing  as  your  headache— 

"  It 's  much  worse." 

"  If  it 's  only  as  bad  I  'm 
prepared  to  give  it  a  most 
respectful  welcome.  But 
what  is  it  all  about  ?  " 

"It 's  about  the  War." 

"  God  bless  my  aoul,  you 
don't  say  so.  You  're  gene- 
rally so  cheerful  about  it  and 
so  hopeful  about  our  \N  inning. 
What  Jias  happened  to  give 
you  the  hump  ?  We  've ; 
blown  up  any  amount  of 
mines  and  occupied  the  cra- 
ters, and  we  've  driven  down 
several  German  aeroplanes." 

"  Yes,  I  know,"  she  said, 
"  I  admit  all  that ;  but  I  've 
just  met  Mrs.  Rowley." 

"  And  a  very  cheery  little 
party  she  is,  too." 

"  That,"  said  Francesca, 
''  is  just  it." 

"What 's  just  what?  "  I  said. 

"  Don't  be  so  flippant." 

"  And  don't  you  be  so  cryptic.     What 's  Mrs.  Rowley's 
cheerfulness  done  to  you?  " 

"  I '11  tell  you  how  it  happened,"  she  said.     "  WTe  met; 
'twas  at  a  tea,  and  first  of  all  we  talked  about  committees." 

"Committees!"   I   said.     "How    glorious!     Are  there 


Jarge  (on  a  viM  to  London).  "LET'S  GO  OOP  PAST  TH'  WAR 
OFFICE,  MARIA.  WE  MIGHT  SEE  KITCHENER." 

Maria.  "WE'LL  DO  NOTHIN'  o'  TH'  SORT.  MORE 'N  LIKELY 
YOU  TWO'D  GET  TALJUN'  AN'  WE'D  MISS  OUR  TRAIN." 


certain- 

"  Who  ?     Lord  KITCHENER  ?  " 

"No,  the  uncle  of  the  man  whose  cousin — lie's  quite 
certain  the  War  will  be  over  in  our  favour  before  next  June, 
because  there  '11  be  a  revolution  in  Potsdam  and  thousands 
of  Germans  are  being  killed  in  bread-riots  every  day,  and 

|  lots  of  stuff  of  that  sort." 

"  I  understand,"  I  said. 
"  You  began  to  react  against 
it." 

"Something  of  that  kind. 
She  was  so  terribly  serene 
and  so  dreadfully  over- con- 
fident that  I  got  contradic- 
tious and  had  to  argue  with 
her — simply  couldn't  restrain 
myself — and  then  she  said 
she  was  sorry  I  was  such  a 
pessimist,  and  I  said  I  wasn't, 
and  here  I  am." 

"  Yes,"  I  said,  "  you  are, 
and  in  a  state  of  Cimmerian 
gloom,  naturally  enough. 


But  you  've  come  to  the 
right  place  —  no,  by  Jove, 
now  that  I  think  of  it  you  've 


J  come  to  the  wrong  place,  the 


many  I 

Yes,"  she  said. 


'  There 's  the  old  Relief  Committee,  and 


the  Belgian  Committee,  and  the  Soldiers'  Comforts'  Com- 
mittee, and  the  Hospital  Visitors'  Committee,  and  the 
Children's  Meals'  Committee,  and  the  Entertainments' 
Committee  and  the — 

"Enough,"  I  said.  "I  will  take  the  rest  for  granted. 
But  isn't  there  a  danger  that  with  all  these  committees — 

"I  know,"  she  said;  "you're  going  to  say  something 
about  overlapping." 

"Your  insight,"  I  said,  "is  wonderful.  How  did  you 
know  ?  " 

"I've  noticed,"  she  said,  "that  when  men  form  commit- 
tees they  always  declare  that  there  sha'n't  be  any  overlap- 


very  wrongest  place  in  the  world." 

"How's  that?" 

"  Because  I  met  old  Captain  Burstall  out  walking,  and 
he  was  miserable  about  everything.  According  to  him  we 
haven't  got  a  dog's  chance  anywhere.  The  Government 's 
rotten,  the  Army 's  rotten,  the  Navy 's  worse  and  the 
British  Empire's  going  to  be  smashed  up  before  Easter." 

"  Captain  Burstall 's  the  man  for  my  money.  If  I  'd  only 
met  him  I  should  have  been  as  cheerful  as  a  lark." 

"And  that,"  I  said,  "is  exactly  what  I  am,  entirely 
owing  to  a  natural  spirit  of  contradiction.  I  just  pulled 
myself  together  and  countered  him  on  every  point." 

"  I  daresay  you  did  it  very  well,"  she  said ;  "  but  if 
you  're  as  cock-a-hoop  as  you  make  out  I  don't  see  how  I  'm 
ever  to  get  rid  of  my  depression.  I  shall  be  starting  to 
contradict  you  next." 

"  Which,"  I  said,  "  will  be  an  entirely  novel  experience 
for  both  of  us.  But  I  '11  tell  you  a  better  way  ;  let 's  keep 
silent  for  ten  minutes  and  simmer  back  to  our  usual 
condition  of  reasonable  hopefulness." 

"  I  can't  promise  silence,"  she  said,  "  but  I  '11  back  myself 


against  the  world  as  a  simmerer." 


R,  C.  L. 


ping,  and  then,  according  to  their  own  account,  they  get  to  j 

work  and  all  overlap  like  mad.     Now  we  women  don't  j      SHAKSI>I,;AUB  to  the  Slackers  :— 

worry  about  overlapping.     Most  of  us  don't  know  what  it  ,      .,  Dishonour  not  your  mothers  ;  now  attest,"    //i-.v«v  V.,  Act  III., 

means — I   don't  myself — but  we  appoint   presidents  and  .  Scene  I. 


FK..HI-AKY  23,  1916.]  PUNCH,    OR    Tl  I H    LONDON    (  'I  I A  I!  I  \  A  It  I. 


Joan  (reading).  "Ii  SAYS  HEBE  THAT  THIS  WAB  is   ABMAGIDEOX,  AND  THE  END  OF  TUB  WORLD  is  FIXED  FOB  THB  BEGINNING 
OF  APRIL." 

Darby.  "THERE,  NOW!     I  ALWAYS  SAID  THE  KAISEB  WOULD  WRIGGLE  OUT  OP  IT  SOMEHOW!" 


ANOTHER    AIE    SCANDAL. 

IF  ever  I  write  a  Hymn  of  Hate,  or, 
at  any  rate,  of  resentment,  it  will  not 
be  about  the  Germans,  but  about  a 
certain  type  of  Englishman  whom  I 
encounter  far  too  often  -and  shall  never 
understand.  The  Germans  are  now 
beyond  any  hymning,  however  fervent ; 
they  are,  it  is  reassuring  to  think,  a 
class  by  themselves.  But  my  man 
should  be  hymned,  not  because  it  will 
do  him  any  good,  but  because  it  relieves 
my  feelings. 

It  is  really  rather  a  curious  case,  for 
he  might  be  quite  a  nice  fellow  and,  I 
have  little  doubt,  often  is  ;  but  he  boasts 
and  Haunts  an  inhuman  insensibility 
that  excites  one's  worst  passions. 

What  would  you  say  was  the  quality 
or  characteristic  most  to  be  desired  in 
every  member  of  our  social  common- 
wealth ?  Obviously  there  is  only  one 
reply  to  this  question:  that  he  should 
be  decently  susceptible  to  draughts.  If 
society  is  to  go  on,  either  we  must  all 
be  so  pachydermatous  as  to  be  able 
to  disregard  draughts,  or  we  must 
feel  them  and  act  accordingly.  There 
should  not  be  here  and  there  a  strange 
Ishuiaelite  creature  whose  delight  it 
is  to  be  played  upon  by  boreal  blasts. 


I  But  there  is.     I  meet  him  in  the  train, 
and  the  other  day  I  hymned  him. 

O  thou  (my  hymn  of  dislike,  of  annoy- 
ance, of  remonstrance  began) : — 

O  thou,  the  foe  of  comfort,  heat, 
O  thou  who  hast  the  corner  seat, 
Facing  the  engine,  as  we  say 
(Although  it  is  so  far  away, 

And  in  between 

So  many  coaches  intervene, 
The  phrase  partakes  of  foolishness)  ;— 
0  thou  who  sittest  there  no  less, 
Keeping  the  window  down 
Though  all  the  carriage  frown , 

Why  dost  thou  so  rejoice  in  air  ? 
Not  air  that  nourishes  and  braces, 
Such  as  one  finds  in  watering-places. 

But  air  to  chill  a  polar  bear — 
Malignant  air  at  sixty  miles  an  hour 

That  rakes  the  carriage  fore  and  aft, 
Wherein  we  cower ; 

Not  air  at  all,  but  sheer  revengeful 

draught ! 
How  canst  thou  like  it?  Say  !  How  canst 

thou  do  it  ? 

Thou  even  read'st  a  paper  through  it ! 
Know'st  thou  no  pain  ? 

Sciatica  or  rheumatism 

Leading  to  balm  or  sinapism? 
Doth  influenza  pass  thin;  by? 
Hast  never  cold  or  bloodshot  eye 
Like  ordinary  Christian  folk 

Who  sit  in  draughts  against  their  will 

And  pray  they  '11  not  be  ill? 
Even  in  tunnels  (this  is  past  a  joke) 
Thou  car'st  no  rap 

Nor,  as  a  decent  man  \vonld,  pull'st  the 
strap, 


But  lett'st  the  carriage  fill  with  smoke 
Till  all  but  thou  must  choke. 

Why  art  thou  anti-social  thus, 
Why  dost  thou  differ  so  from  us  ? 
Thou  pig  !  thou  hippopotamus  ! 

I  don't  pretend  to  be  satisfied  with 
these  lines.  They  are  not  strong,  not 
complete.  Mr.  JOYNSON-HICKS  would 
have  done  it  more  fittingly.  Still 
they  might  do  a  little  good  some- 
where, and  every  little  helps. 

Overtime. 

"The  evidence  was  that  defendants  cm- 
ployed  six  youug  persons  for  more  than  seven 
days  a  week." — 1'iwiiicial  Paper. 

"The  organist  played  as  opening  volun- 
taries tha  'Bridal  March'  from  'Lohengrin,' 
Barnaby's  '  Bridal  March  '  from  '  Lohen- 
grin,' and  Baruaby's  '  Bridal  March.' 

Prorincial  Paper. 

It  was  evidently  BABXABY'S.  Still,  we 
think  WAGNER  might  have  been  men- 
tioned as  his  collaborator. 


"Iu  the  current  number  of  the  Caiiimon- 
icnaltli    Canon    Scott    Holland    in    his    own 
inimical  manner  endorses  all  that  Mr.  Carey 
has  been  writing  in  our  columns  recently." 
Clerical  Paper. 

The  Canon  appears  to  be  one  of  those 
jolly  people  who  slap  you  on  the  back 
as  if  they  would  knock  you  down. 


134 


PUNCH,    Oil    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  23,  1916. 


AT    THE 

OF    recent    days 


FRONT. 

we    have 


almost 


stopped  protending  to  be  soldiers  and 
owned  up  to  being  civilian  labourers 
lodged  in  the  War  zone.  This  is  felt 
so  acutely  that  several  leading  privates 
have  quite  discarded  that  absolute 
attribute  of  the  infantryman,  the  rifle. 


They    return     from 


working 


parties 


completely  unarmed,  discover  the  fact 
with  a  mild  and  but  half -regretful 
astonishment  and  report  the  circum- 
stance to  section  -  commanders  as  if 
they  had  lost  one  round  of  small  arms 
ammunition  or  tlio  last  cube  from  an 
iron  ration. 

The  hobby  of  the  civilian  labourer 
is  obstacle -racing.  To  do  this  you 
require  a  dark  night,  the  assistance  of 
some  Royal  Engineers,  an  appoint- 
ment just  behind  the  front  line  with 
some  supervisor  of  labour  whom  you 
don't  know  and  don't  specially  want 
to,  and  a  four  -  mile  stretch  across 
country  to  the  rendezvous. 

You  start  out  at  nightfall  and  do 
good  time  over  the  first  hundred  yards. 
Che  field  consists  of  forty  to  eighty 
abourers,  and  one  of  the  idle  rich  (for- 
merly styled  officers).  At  the  hundred 
yards'  mark  the  Royal  Engineers  begin 
,o  come  in.  Obstacle  1  is  a  model 
trench,  built  for  instructional  pur- 
poses and  now 
obstructional  account, 
place  where  you  can 


likely    hiding-places.      The 
rendered   pleasant    as   well 


being 


turned 
There 's 
get  on   to 


to 
one 
the 


ment,  also  a  fine 
1915  R.E.  work, 
passing  the  trip 


parados  without  swimming,  and  if  we 
started  by  daylight  we  might  strike 
it.  We  do  not  start  by  daylight. 

Beyond  the  trench  is  a  wire  entangle- 
specimen  of  early 
We  may  note  in 
wire  eight  yards 

beyond.  We  're  getting  pretty  good 
with  it  now,  but  in  our  early  days  the 
R.E.  used  to  get  a  lot  of  marks  for  it. 

You  go  on  towards  a  couple  of  moated 
hedges,  whimsically  barbed  in  odd 
spots,  and  emerge  into  a  park  or  open 
space  leading  into  an  unhealthy-look- 
ing road.  It  seems  all  plain  sailing  to 
the  road— unless  you  know  the  R.E., 
in  which  case  you  will  not  be  -sur- 
prised to  find  your  neck  nearly  bisected 
by  a  horizontal  wire  designed  to  en- 
courage telephonic  communication. 

Eventually  you  all  reach  an  area 
known  for  some  obscure  reason — if  for 
any  at  all — as  "  The  Brigade."  Here 
the  R.E.  have  a  new  game  waiting  for 
Wo  call  it  "  Hunt  the  Shovels." 
have  been  instructed  'o  draw 


you. 
You 


shovels  from  the  Brigade.  The  term 
covers  a  space  of  some  thousand  square 
metres  intersected  with  hedges,  bridges, 
rivers,  dugouts,  horseponds  (natural 
and  adventitious),  any  square  metre  of 
which  may  contain  your  shovels. 


If  you  are  not  behind  time  so  fai- 
th is  is  where  you  drop  a  quarter  of  an 
hour.  Of  course  you  may  just  get  fed 
up  and  go  home.  But  in  that  case  you 
aren't  allowed  to  play  again,  and  as  a 
matter  of  fact  the  game  is  rather  de 
rigneiir  out  here.  So  you  hide  your 
party  behind  a  sign-post,  which  tells 
you — if  it  were  not  too  dark  to  read — 
INFANTRY  MUST  NOT  HALT  HF.RE, 
and  then  a  lance-corporal  with  a  good 
nose  for  shovels  looks  through  the  more 

search  is 
as  inter- 
esting by  the  fact  that  all  the  Brigade 
has  been  trodden  into  a  morass  by 
months  of  shovel-hunting. 

Beyond  the  Brigade  the  obstacles 
really  begin.  But  if  you  use  a  revolver 
freely  for  wire-cutting  and  rope  your 
party  together — this  prevents  anyone 
sitting  down  by  the  wayside  to  take 
his  boots  off  "  because  they  draws  that 
bad" — you  will  reach  the  rendezvous 
assigned  to  you  within  an  hour  of  the 
time  assigned  to  you.  At  this  point  you 
will  learn  that  no  guide  has  been  seen 
or  heard  of  there,  and,  subsequently, 
that  the  guide  was  warned  for  another 
square  that  certainly  looks  very  simi- 
lar on  the  map.  But  again,  if  you 
know  guides,  you  will  guess  that  he 
went  straight  to  the  spot  where  the 
job  was  to  be  done  without  bothering 
about  anything  so  intricate  or  super- 
fluous as  a  rendezvous.  Anyhow  you 
will  probably  end  by  getting  some  sort 
of  casual  labour  somewhere,  some  time 
or  other,  and  no  questions  asked  so 
long  as  you  don't  inadvertently  dig 
through  from  a  main  drain  into  a 
C.O.'s  dugout. 

There  is  a  now  joke  too,  a  Red  Book 
out  of  which  we  are  gradually  becom- 
ing millionaires.  It  is  full  of  comfort 
able  claims  and  allowances  for  gentle 
men  serving  the  KING  overseas.  The 
only  thing  is  it  takes  a  bit  of  working 
out.  There  are  so  many  channels  o 
enrichment.  Thus'  in  June — I  forge 
the  exact  date — I  spent  a  night  in  tin 
train.  Although  I  had  a  bed  and  bee 
in  bottles  all  the  way  from  England 
not  to  mention  usual  meals  and  par 
use  of  doctor,  I  became  entitled  to  on 
franc  ten  centimes  in  lieu  of  something 
which  I  have  now  forgotten.  (Authority 
W.  0.  Letter  2719  /  x  p  V  19  </  2'15) 
Then  a  broken  revolver  is  worth  n 
less  than  seventy-two  shillings,  but 
have  to  collect  autographs  to  get  thai 
Unclaimed  groom's  allowance — I  don' 
think  my  groom  has  claimed  it — come 


tered  accountant  to  account  for  it — 
that  ought  to  mean  a  few  pounds 
bartered  Accountant  allowance — my 
pplication  will  be  returned  to  me 
icause  the  envelope  is  not  that  shade 
:  mauve  officially  ordained  for  the 
nclosure  of  Overseas  Officers'  Claims. 


to  nearly  four-and-sixpence;  and  I  fin 
I  have  been  quite  needlessly  gettin 
my  hair  cut  at  my  own  expense  thes 
many  months. 

And  yet  I  am   afraid  that  when 
have  made  it  all  out  and  got  a  chat 


TO    "LIFE"   OF    NEW   YORK. 

rn  acknowledgment  of  its  "John  Bull 
Number.") 

N  earlier  peaceful  days  your  attitude 

iVas  witty  and  satirical  and  shrewd, 

Jut,  whether  you  were  serious  or  skit- 
tish, 

Vlways  a  candid  critic  of  things  British, 

"hough,  when  you  were  unable  to  ad- 
mire us, 

life's  "little  ironies  "  were  free  from 
virus. 

3ut  since  the  War  began  your  English 
readers 

lave   welcomed    MARTIN'S    admirable 
leaders*— 

Vhich  prove   that    all   that 's  honest, 
clean  and  wise 

n  the  United  States  is  pro-Allies — 
And  learned  to  recognise  in  Life  a  friend 

On  whom  to  reckon  to  the  bitter  end. 

3ut  these  good  services  you  now  have 
crowned 

3y  something  finer,  braver,  more  pro- 
found— • 

Your  "John  Bull  Number,"  where  we 
gladly  trace 

Pride  in  the  common  glories  of  our  race, 
oodwill,  good  fellowship,  kind  words 
of  cheer, 

So  frank,  so  unmistakably  sincere, 

That  we  can  find  (in  AUTEMUS'S  phrase) 

STo  "slopping  over"  of  the  pap  of  praise, 

But  just  the  sort  of  message  that  one 
brother 

Would  send  in  time  of  trial  to  another. 

And  thus,  whatever  comes  of  WILSON'S 
Notes, 

Of  Neutral  claims  or    of   the  tug  for 
votes, 

Nothing  that  happens  henceforth  can 
detract 

From  your  fraternal  and  endearing  act, 

Which  fills  your  cup  of  kindness  brim- 
ming full. 

And  signals  Siirsum  corda  to  John  Bull. 

*  The  War  Week  by  Week,  as  seen  from  New 
York.  Being  Observations  from  "  Life."  By 
E.  S.  MAUTIN. 


"The  Chairman  said  ho  should  like  to 
appeal  to  the  good  sense  of  the  inhabitants 
of  Duffield,  through  the  Press,  to  do  all  they 
could  to  darken  their  windows  not  only  at 
the  front  of  the  houses,  but  also  at  the  back. 

The  Clerk  said  the  Council  had  no  power 
to  take  action  in  this  matter  only  by  per- 
suasion, and  it  was  decided  that  500  leaflets 
should  be  distributed  by  the  lamplighters  to 
each  house." — Derbyshire  Advertiser. 

And  with  pulp  so  expensive,  too ! 


23,  1916.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


135 


MR.    PUNCH'S    POTTED    FILMS.     THE    PLAY    WITH    A    MORAL. 

THE   LURF,   OP   LONDON. 


diameters  in  the  Play, 
NANCY  PRIMROSE.       RICHARD  GRENFIELD.      VERA  VAVASOUR. 


ARRIVED    IN    LONDON,    RICHARD    SPEEDILY    PLUNGES    INTO 

THE  GAY  LIFE  OF  THE  GREAT  METROPOLIS.  HE  MAKES  THE 
ACQUAINTANCE  OF  VEBA  VAVASOUR,  THE  FAMOUS  ACTRESS  AND 
LEADER  OF  THE  SMART  SET.  HE  ENTERTAINS  HER  TO  TEA  AT 

THE  FITZ  HOTEL. 


RICHARD,  WHOSE  PREVIOUS  INCURSIONS  INTO  SOCIETY  HAD  NOT 
LKD  HIM  HIGHER  THAN  A. B.C.  SHOPS,  IS  UNABLE  TO  MEET  THE 
BILL.  VEBA  REVEALS  HERSELF  IN  HER  TRUE  COLOURS  AND 
REFUSES  TO  OFFER  MONETARY  ASSISTANCE.  THE  IRATE  MANAGER 
THREATENS  TO  CALL  IN  THE  POLICE.  NANCY  TO  THE  RESCUE  ! 


RICHARD  GRENFIELD,  LEAVING  HIS  NATIVE  VILLAGE  TO  SEEK 
HIS  FORTUNE  IN  LONDON,  BIDS  ADIEU  TO  NANCY  PRIMROSE,  HIS 
RUSTIC  SWEETHEART.  HE  SWEARS  TO  BE  TRUE  TO  HER. 


IN  THE  MEANTIME,  ALL  NANCY'S  EELATIOXS  HAVING  DIED, 
SHE  IS  THROWN  UPON  HEB  OWN  RESOURCES,  AND  OBTAINS  A 
SITUATION  AS  KITCHENMAID  AT  THE  FlTZ.  FROM  A  PLACE 
OF  CONCEALMENT  SHE  WATCHES,  WITH  DISMAY,  THE  FALSE 
BEHAVIOUR  OF  HEB  FORMER  LCVER. 


NANCY,  HAVING  WITH  HER  HARD-EARNED  SAVINGS  DISCHARGED 
THE  BILL,  IS  CLASPED  TO  HIS  BREAST  BY  RICHARD,  WHO  THEN 
AND  THERE  ABJURES  THE  SMART  SET  AND  MAKES  STERN  RESOLVE 
NEVER  AGAIN  TO  FALL  A  VICTIM  TO  "THE  LUBE  OP  LONDON." 


13G 


PUNCH,  OR   THE  LONDON   CIIARIVATU.  [FKBIU-AUY  23,  UM«. 


Lieutenant.  "  NOBODY  HURT?    THEN  WHAT  THE  DEUCE  ARE  YOU  KICKING  UP  SUCH  A  now  FOB?" 

Tommy.  "WELL,  Sin,  LOOK  AT  THE  MESS  THEY  BLOOMIN'  'Uss  'AVE  MADE  IN  THE  TRENCH  JUST  AFTER  I'VE  SWEP'  IT  rr!  " 


MUSICAL  JUMBOMANIA. 

"The  piano  with  a  thirty-foot  keyboard, 
forty  -  five  octaves,  and  five  hundred  and 
twenty-two  keys,  which  Mr.  Alfred  Butt  will 
'  present '  in  '  Follow  the  Crowd '  at  the 
Empire  Theatre,  is  now  in  course  of  con- 
struction. Six  pianists  will  play  it,  and  Mr. 
Irving  Berlin,  the  composer  of  '  Watch  Your 
Step,'  is  composing  some  special  melodies  for 
them." — Sunday  Paper. 

THE  new  Bombastophone  which  the 
Titanola  Company  are  constructing  for 
Mr.  Boomer,  the  famous  War  lecturer, 
is  approaching  completion.  This  re- 
markable instrument,  which  roughly 
resembles  a  double -bassoon,  stands 
about  45  feet  high,  and  has  a  compass 
of  500  octaves,  from  the  low  B  flat  in 
profundis&imo  to  the  high  G  on  the 
Doncaster  St.  Leger  line.  The  use 
that  Mr.  Boomer  makes  of  the  Bom- 
bastophone is  very  original  and  effective. 
Whenever  he  sees  that  the  attention  of 
his  audience  is  flagging  he  introduces 
an  interlude  of  "  bombination,"  which 
renders  lethargy  impossible  and  exer- 
cises an  indescribably  stimulating  effect 
on  the  tympanum.  The  current  of  air 
is  supplied  by  a  bellows  operated  by  an 
eight-cylinder  Brome  engine,  but  Mr. 
Boomer  works  the  keys  himself,  climb- 
ing up  and  down  them  with  a  rapidity 
which  must  be  seen  to  be  appreciated. 


Another  instrument  which  is  ex- 
pected to  work  a  revolution  in  the  realm 
of  sonority  is  the  Clumbungo  Drum, 
on  which  Mr.  Wackford  Bum  pus 
will  shortly  give  a  recital  at  the  Albert 
Hall.  The  drum,  which  is  made  of 
teak  and  rhinoceros  hide,  is  three 
hundred  feet  in  circumference,  but  only 
twenty  feet  high,  and  the  drumsticks 
are  of  proportionate  length.  As  Dr. 
Blamphin,  the  eminent  aurist,  remarks, 
"  The  merit  of  the  notes  of  this  momen- 
tous instrument  is  their  profound  sin- 
cerity. They  cannot  be  disregarded  even 
by  the  most  absent-minded  auditor." 


HINTS  FOE  AIR  EAIDS. 

THE  War  Office  have  issued  a  notice 
reminding  the  public  that  they  are 
greatly  inconvenienced  by  persons  who 
telephone  for  information  during  the 
progress  of  an  air  raid.  To  avoid  a 
repetition  of  the  trouble  the  attention 
of  the  public  is  called  to  the  following 
information : — 

(1)  Elderly  ladies  may  deposit  their 
lap  dogs  in  the  bomb-proof  shelter 
erected  for  that  purpose  in  the  basement 
of  the  War  Office  buildings  at  White- 
hall, a  charge  of  one  penny  per  dog 
per  raid  being  made. 


(2)  Persons   removed   from  the  in- 
terior   of    motor    omnibuses    by    the 
explosion  of  bombs  dropped  by  airships 
cannot  claim  from  the  Government  a 
refund  of  the  fares  paid  by  them. 

(3)  Persons  having  reason  to  believe 
that    an   air   raid   is   in    progress    are 
requested  to  put  on  their  hats  before 
leaving    the    house,    as    it    has    been 
ascertained  that  a  hard  hat  is  a  sub- 
stantial protection  against  falling  Zep- 
pelins. 

(4)  For   the   benefit   of  editors  and 
others  who  are   dissatisfied  with    the 
precautions    taken   to   cope   with   the 
Zeppelin  peril,  Messrs.  Selfgrove  &  Co. 
announce  th.it  their  new  Strafing  Room 
will  shortly  be  open  to  the  public. 

(5)  As  the  force  of  a  bomb  explosion 
is  largely  in  an  upward  direction,  those 
in  the  immediate  vicinity  of  a  dropping 
bomb  are  advised  to  assume  a  recum- 
bent position,  in  which  they  will  enjoy 
the  added  advantage  of  being  indisting- 
uishable from  the  pavement. 

(G)  As  theatre  audiences  are  notori- 
ously subject  to  panic,  actor-managers 
are  earnestly  requested  to  prepare 
beforehand  some  suitable  jest  with 
which,  in  the  event  of  a  bomb  entering 
the  theatre,  the  attention  of  the  audience 
mar  be  distracted. 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON    CHAKIVAEI.— FEBRUARY  '23,  191G. 


A  BLOW  FOR  THE   CRESCENT. 

SULTAN  OF  TURKEY.  "ALL-HIGHEST,    EEZEEUM    HAS  FALLEN  I" 
KAISER.  "GOTT— I    SHOULD    SAY,    ALLAH—  STEAFE    EUSSLAND1" 


138 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  23,  1916. 


UNDERGROUND    GAME. 

IT  was  four  o'clock  on  a  wet  wintry 
morning. 

Captain  Blank  executed  an  inad- 
vertent double  -  shuffle  on  a  greasy 
trench  plank  and  wondered  vaguely 
why  the  rain  should  always  come  from 
the  north-east.  Presently  a  figure 
squelched  up  to  him  and  halted. 

"  "Pis  Sergeant  O'Hagan,  Sorr,"  it 
whispered  hoarsely. 

"  Well,  Sergeant,  what  is  it  ?  " 

"  'Tis  the  sintry  at  Fosse  19,  Sorr. 
He's  reported  quare  noises  in  that 
inimy  sap  beyant." 

"  Been  dreaming,  I  expect,"  muttered 
the  Captain,  and  then  added  briskly, 
"  I  think  I  '11  have  a  listen  myself.  Go 
ahead,  Sergeant." 

They  made  their  way  slowly  along 
the  uneven  trench,  past  silent  figures 
reclining  in  various  attitudes  of  ease  or 
discomfort ;  past  emplacements  where 
machine  -  guns  and  trench  -  mortars 
were  innocently  sleeping  (with  one  eye 
always  open)  or  being  overhauled  by 
an  expert  night-nurse.  Eventually, 
by  that  instinct  common  to  trench- 
dwellers  and  professional  poachers, 
they  found  themselves  at  Fosse  19, 
and  with  superlative  caution  crept  up 
to  the  sentry. 

"  What  '9  wrong  ?  "  whispered  the 
Captain  tersely. 

"  Well,  Sir,"  replied  Private  Blobbs, 
"  I  was  standin'  'ere  on  listenin'  duty, 
when  I  'ears  soiuethink  movin'  very 
contagious,  so  I  pops  tip  me  "ead  to 
'ave  a  peep.  Didn't  see  nothink,  but  1 

'ears  a  pecooliar  noise  like There 

y  'are,  Sir." 

He  broke  off  abruptly,  and,  borne 
upon  the  wind,  came  a  series  of  guttural 
murmurs. 

"  Now  wouldn't  ut  give  one  a  quare 
shtart,  that  ? "  remarked  Sergeant 
O'Hagan,  sotto  voce. 

"  Um-m,"  said  the  Captain  thought- 
fully. '  "  I  think  Mr.  Hamilton  had 
better  have  a  look  round." 

A  few  minutes  later,  having  invaded 
the  privacy  of  "Whortleberry  Villa," 
he  was  relentlessly  prodding  a  bundle 
of  waterproofs. 

"Come  on,  young  fella!"  ho  ex- 
claimed when  the  bundle  showed  signs 
of  life;  "bombin'  party  forward. 
Brother  Bosch  is  playin'  the  piccolo 
just  outside  Fosse  19." 

The  Subaltern  scrambled  out  of  bis 
wraps  and,  with  incredible  dispatch, 
gathered  together  the  Davids  of  his 
section.  "  All  guaranteed,"  so  he 
boasted,  "  to  hit  the  cocoanut  every 
time." 

Accoutred  with  their  infernal 
machines,  the  little  band  of  hope 
passed  along  the  trench  as  silently  as 


a  party  of  FKNIMOHK  Coor-Kit's  North- 
American  Indians. 

"  Yes,  they  're  at  home  right 
enough,"  muttered  the  Subaltern,  after 
a  cramped  interval  of  breathless  atten- 
tion, "  and  fairly  asking  for  it." 

He  proceeded  to  make  his  disposi- 
tions with  the  skill  and  assurance  of 
an  old  hand.  He  was  nearly  nineteen. 

"  We  're  going  to  stalk  'em  this 
time,"  he  whispered  to  the  men  ;  "  you 
keep  on  crawling  till  I  say  '  Go  i  ' 
Then  drop  it  on  them  quick." 

He  slid  over  the  parapet  like  an  eel 
and  disappeared  into  the  night.  In  a 
few  moments  the  sentry  was  alone  in 
the  trench.  His  state  of  mind  was, 
from  sheer  excitement,  almost  insup- 
portable. 

After  what  seemed  interminable 
hours,  at  last  he  heard  the  clear  word 
of  command,  the  clatter  of  tilings 
falling  and  the  immediate  roar  of  tlie 
explosions.  In  reply,  rifle  iire  began 
to  break  out  along  the  German  lirst 
trenches,  whilst,  overhead,  a  star-shell 
burst  into  blossom  ;  then  the  stutter  of 
machine-guns  joined  in  the  chorus. 
The  sentry  flattened  himself  like  a 
poultice  against  the  side  of  the  trench. 
Fosse  19  had,  among  other  disadvan- 
tages, the  reputation  of  being  open  to 
enfilading  by  machine-gun  fire. 

The  disturbance  died  away  as  quickly 
as  it  had  arisen,  but  there  were  no 
indications  that  the  bombing  party 
was  returning.  Private  Blobbs  danced 
with  futile  impatience  and  bent  his 
head  to  the  approved  angle  of  the 
expert  listener.  Suddenly  a  heavy 
body  took  him  in  the  nape  of  the 
neck. 

"  Ow  !  "  he  exclaimed,  floundering  in 
mud  and  water  with  an  unseen  and 
inconceivable  presence.  He  clutched 
the  nightmare  of  an  ear  and  kicked 
violently. 

"  Look  aht,  Percy,"  enjoined  a 
hollow  but  reassuring  voice,  "  'ere 
comes  another ! " 

Private  Blobbs  removed  himself  with 
remarkable  agility 

"  Good  !  "  exclaimed  the  Subaltern 
when  he  finally  slid  into  the  trench. 
"This  expedition  hasn't  quite  come  up 
to  expectations,  but  it 's  the  nicest 
family  of  pigs  I  've  seen  for  some 
time." 

He  flashed  an  electric  torch  on  to 
the  disordered  carcasses. 

"Corporal  Leary,"  he  added  in- 
cisively, "will  you  kindly  see  that  the 
officers'  mess  is  served  with  fresh 
pork?" 

He  snapped  out  the  torch  and,  com- 
plete master  of  the  situation,  started 
on  the  return  journey  to  "  Whortleberry 
Villa." 


BRINGING  THE  WAR  HOME  TO  US. 

HOUSEHOLD  ORDERS. 
By  Mrs.  EMMA  PIPP,  Commanding 
3rd  (Home  Service)  Battalion,  The  Fire 
Guards.     February  21st,  1916. 

Detail,  Orderly  Officer  .  .  .  Mart/  Ann. 
Next  for  duty  ....  Sarah  Jane. 
Charwoman  of  ... 

the  day    .     .  Mrs.  Susanna  Siulilx. 

Parade.  9.30  Shopping  march  under  the  Com- 
manding Officer.  Haversacks  (for  rations)  will 
be  carried. 

Infection.  12.0  O.C.  Pantry  will  inspect  all 
beetle-traps  in  her  charge,  and  report  if 
No.  13  (Kitchener  pattern)  has  been  found. 

Decrease  Strength.  No.  4  Master  T.  Pipp, 
attached  to  Sea  View  Houso  School, 
Boylon,  for  discipline. 

Promntiim.  The  Commanding  Officcris  pleased 
to  approve  of  the  following  promotions  : — 
Under-housemaid  Mary  Jane,  to  he 
Acting-Sergeant  Housemaid  ;  Mi*s  Jones, 
Lady  Nurso,  to  be  Nursery  Governess. 

Leave.  No.  1  Father  Pipp  granted  six  days' 
leave,  inclusive  of  two  days  for  travelling. 
Credit  with  six  days'  ration  allowanc  •  at 
Is.  iW.  per  diem. 

Baths.  Baths  will  be  available  for  the  nursery 
on  Saturday  evening  from  f>  to  7.  O.C. 
Nursery  will  report  that  they  have  been 
taken. 

Signalling.  The  Commanding  Officer  is  pleased 
to  announce  that  at  the  Fortnightly  Course 
of  Glad  Hyc,  Signalling,  No.  2  Gertie 
Pipp  gained  a  Flapper's  Certificate. 

Enquiry.  A  Couit  of  Enquiry  will  assemble 
on  the -25th  inst.  for  the  purpose  of  enquir- 
ing into  the  circumstances  whereby  the 
wheel  of  No.  3  Perambulator  became 
buckled  on  the  12th  inst. 

O.C.  Nursery  will  arrange  for  the 
presence  of  the  necessary  witnesses,  with 
the  exception  of  No.  9  Baby  Pipp,  now 
teething. 

General  Inspection.  On  the  1st  prox.,  Uncle- 
General  Towzer,  L.S.D.,  will  hold  an 
inspection  of  nephews  and  nieces  at 
5  o'clock  on  the  front  parade  lawn. 

Dress :  Best  bibs  and  tuckers,  with 
smiles. 


A  Hint  for  Slackers. 

"  Drilling  versus  Broad-Casting  Oats." 


"  The  British  Tropical  Committee  for  War 
Films  exhibited  a  further  series  of  pictures  of 
the  British  Army  in  France  at  the  West-end 
Cinema  House,  Coventry-street,  yesterday." 

The  Times. 
Very  hot  stuff,  no  doubt  ! 


From  a  description  of  Sir  SAJII  1:1. 
EVANS'  "  Ut  do  justice" : — 

"Sir  Samuel  first  heard  one  summons  in 
camera,  and  then  took  two  months  of  a  formal 
nature,  the  time  occupied  being  less  than 
half  an  hour." — Morning  I'aper. 

How  time  does  fly  when  one 's  happy. 


"WAITED,  Rehearse  March  '20,  Comedian 
and  Chambermaid.  Light  Comedy  (Refined 
Part,  capable  Good  Drunken  Scene)." 

The  Stage. 

This  is  what  is  meant,  no  doubt,  when 
people  talk  of  "  elevating  "  the  drama. 


23,  1916.]  prNCll.    OR.    THK    LONDON"    ('IIAIMVAIU. 


Mil 


ESSENCE      OF     PARLIAMENT. 


FIRST  STEPS  TO  VICTORY:    A  LEAD  FROM  OUR  LEADERS. 
STRIKING  EXAMPLE  OF  WAR-TIME  ECONOMY:  .Ma.  ASQUITH  AND  MR.  HCKENNA  SPLIT  A  CIGAR. 


Tuesday,  February  15th.— To  the 
regret  of  all  loyal  citizens,  the  curtain 
rang  up  at  Westminster  to-day  without 
the  now  customary  Royal  Overture. 
In  the  absence  of  His  MAJESTY,  the 
LORD  CHANCELLOR  delivered  the  brief 
Speech  from  the  Throne,  expressing 
the  unalterable  determination  of  the 
British  people  and  their  Allies  to  defeat 
the  Power  (name  not  given  but  possibly 
conjecturable)  "  which  mistakes  force 
for  right  and  expediency  for  honour." 
To  emphasise  the  unity  of  the  nation 
the  Address  was  moved  by  the  Unionist 
Earl  of  CLARENDON  and  seconded  by 
the  Liberal  Lord  MUIR-MACKENZIE.  It 
was  agreed  to  in  good  time  for  dinner. 

The  Commons  are  not  so  economical 
of  time.  Mr.  IAN  MACPHERSON,  who 
moved  the  Address,  made  quite  a  long 
speech.  Like  Hamlet,  it  was  chiefly 
composed  of  quotations,  but  they  were 
all  quite  apt,  and  as  they  ranged  from 
THUCYDIDES  to  BURKE,  "with  BOLING- 
BROKE'S  Patriot  King  thrown  in,  they 
pleased  the  House,  which  likes  these 
tributes  to  its  erudition.  The  seconder, 
in  khaki,  was  Col.  F.  S.  JACKSON,  a  new 
Member,  who,  like  the  still-lamented 
ALFRED  LYTTELTOX,  had  made  a  repu- 
tation at  Lord's  ere  ever  he  essayed 
the  Commons.  "  Jacker"  found  the  new 


wicket  not  quite  to  his  liking  at  first, 
but  afterwards  scored  freely.     In  con- 
gratulating the  outgoing  batsman  the 
PRIME  MINISTER  discovei'ed  unexpected  j 
knowledge  of  cricket.  "  The  Hon.  Mem- ' 
ber,"  he  said,  "  was  making  his  maiden 
speech ;   but  I  doubb  if   he  has   ever 
encountered    a    maiden    over — except, 
perhaps,  when  he  was  bowling." 

In  the  regretted  absence  of  the  Leader 
of  the  Opposition,  Mr.  STUART- WOHTLEY 
as  Acting-CnApLiN  referred  to  the  dis- 
integration of  parties  under  the  stress 
of  war.  Now  they  had  only  groups, 
some  designed  to  help  the  Government, 
some  to  "  ginger  "  them.  Mr.  ASQUITH 
dwelt  upon  the  growing  unity  of  con- 
trol among  the  Allies,  which  would 
counteract  the  advantage  in  this  re- 
spect hitherto  enjoyed  by  our  foes  ;  and 
noted  the  amazing  growth  of  the  once 
"contemptible  little"  British  Army. 
He  further  reminded  us  that  wo  had 
already  incurred  liabilities  which  it 
would  take  us  a  generation  to  wipe  out ; 
and  it  was  the  first  duty  of  every  pat- 
riotic citizen  to  practise  rigid  economy. 

All  very  well,   said,   in   effect,  Mr. 

WARDLE,     the    new     leader    of     the 

Labour    Party ;    but,   if   the   working 

classes  are  to   save,  the  other  classes  i 

i  must  set  them  the  example.     All  very  | 


well,  said  Sir  MARK  SYKES,  hut  if  we 
are  going  to  win  the  war  we  must  co- 
ordinate at  home  as  well  as  abroad,  and 
abandon  the  idea  of  "muddling  through ." 
With  experience  of  G.  H.  Q.  and  four 
public  departments,  ho  asserted  that 
the  men  were  all  right,  but  the  system 
all  wrong ;  and  that  the  proper  thing 
was  to  adopt  SULTAN  OMAR'S  plan,  and 
give  the  supreme  control  of  the  War  to 
a  Cabinet  of  not  more  than  four  mem- 
bers, who  with  no  administrative  details 
to  distract  them  might  bo  able  to  "  teach 
the  doubtful  battle  where  to  rage." 

The  PRIME  MINISTER  listened  with 
interest  but  without  enthusiasm  to  this 
suggestion.  Probably  he  remembered 
that  an  essential  part  of  OMAR'S  scheme 
was  that  if  the  Four  failed  to  agree 
they  were  to  be  promptly  hanged,  and 
had  himself  no  ambition  to  take  part 
in  a  String  Quartett. 

Wednesday,  February  IGth.  —  The 
Trustees  of  the  British  Museum  are 
for  the  most  part  grave  and  reverend 
seniors.  But  they  harbour  at  least  one 
humourist  among  them,  in  Captain 
HARRY  GRAHAM.  I  suspect  him  of 
having  conceived  the  notion  of  choosing 
this  moment,  of  all  others,  to  frame  a 
petition  to  the  House  of  Commons 
praying  for  more  money  to  enable 


MO  PUNCH,    OR    'TllK    LONDON    CHARIVARI.  [FEBRUARY  23,  1916. 


HIGHLANDER  AND  ZOUAVE  (simultaneously) :  "  ! ! !' 


them  to  fulfil  their  trust,  and  of  getting  : 
Mr.  LULU  HARCOUBT,  himself  a  mem- 
ber of  the  Government  which  is  closing  ! 
their  galleries,  to  present  it. 

Sir  HENRY  DALZIEL  is  the  leader  of 
one  of  the  "ginger  groups"  above 
referred  to.  His  first  exploit  in  this 
capacity  was  to  resist  the  proposal  of 
the  Government  to  take  all  the  time  of 
the  House.  In  his  demand  that  private 
Members  should  still  be  allowed  the 
privilege  of  introducing  Bills  and  hav- 
ing them  printed  at  the  public  expense, 
ho  had  the  support  of  Mr.  HOGGE, 
Mr.  KING,  Mr.  PBINGLE,  Mr.  BOOTH, 
Sir  WILLIAM  BYLES,  and  other  states- 
men of  similar  eminence;  but  the  PRIME 
MINISTER  was  obdurate.  He  accused 
the  malcontents  of  lacking  a  sense  of 
perspective — and  expressed  the  poorest 
opinion  of  their  efforts  at  legislation. 

Some  of  the  private  Members  got 
their  own  back  when  the  first  amend- 
ment to  the  Address  was  moved  by 
Mr.  JoYNSON-HicKS.  The  Member  for 
Brentford,  who  knows  the  alphabet  of 
aviation  from  Aeroplane  to  Zeppelin, 
complained  that  the  air-service,  like  his  ! 
own  constituency  in  legendary  times, 
was  under  Dual  Control,  and  urged ; 
that  it  should  be  placed  under  a  single 
competent  chief. 

Neither  the  UNDER-SECRETARY  FOR 
WAR  nor  the  FIRST  LOUD  OF  THE  ADMIR- 


ALTY was  at  all  happy  in  reply.  They 
resembled  a  couple  of  flying  pilots  who, 
having  gone  up  to  attack  a  hostile  air- 
ship in  the  dark,  search  in  vain  for  ah 
adequate  landing-place.  Heckled  as  to 
the  exact  status  of  Sir  PERCY  SCOTT, 
for  example,  Mr.  TENNANT  could  only 
say  that  he  "  is  still  in  the  position  be 
icas  in."  When  Mr.  ELLIS  GRIFFITH 
ventured  the  remark  that  a  personal 
knowledge  of  flying  would  be  a  useful 
qualification  for  officers  advising  the 
Government  on  this  subject,  Mr.  BAL- 
FOUB  was  as  painfully  surprised  as  if 
he  himself  had  been  called  upon  to 
navigate  a  t.  b.  d.  in  heavy  weather. 

In  the  absence  of  any  definite  sign  of 
repentance  the  critics  of  the  Govern- 
ment threatened  a  division,  which 
would  have  been  awkward  and  might 
have  been  disastrous.  In  similar  cir- 
cumstances Mr.  GLADSTONE  used  to 
"  send  for  the  sledge-hammer  " — mean- 
ing Mr.  ASQUITH.  The  present  PRIME 
MINISTER,  when  hard  pressed,  sends 
for  BONAR.  Thus  summoned  to  ride 
the  whirlwind  the  COLONIAL  SECRETARY 
executed  a  graceful  volplane.  In  a  few 
frank  sentences  he  admitted  that  the 
Government  were  very  far  from  being 
satisfied  with  the  Air  Service,  though  it 
had  achieved  great  things.  Further,  they 
were  willing  to  give  another  day  for  its 
discussion  when  they  had  got  through 


•  their  financial  business.  With  this  con- 
fession and  promise  the  critics  were 
for  the  time  being  appeased. 

Tlniraday,    February     lltli.  —  This 
being  the  first  day  for  which  Questions 
could  be  put  down,  Members  took  full 
j  advantage  of  the  opportunity,  and  pro- 
I  pounded  ninety-nine  of  them.  Ministers 
displayed  less  enthusiasm,  and  some  of 
,  them  were  so  late  in  arriving  that  the 
!  SPEAKER  had  to  dodge  about  all  over 
the  paper  before  the  list  was  disposed 
of.     Mr.  GINNELL  was,  as  usual,  well 
to  the  fore  with  silly  rumours.     There 
is  perhaps  a  subtle  connection  between 
cattle-driving  and  hunting  for  mare's- 
nests. 

The  plcasantest  feature  of  Question 
time  was  the  tribute  paid  (with  hint  of 
more  substantial  rewards  to  come  after 
the  War)  to  the  gallantry  and  self- 
sacrifice  of  the  officers  and  men  of  our 
mercantile  marine.  This  furnished  an 
appropriate  prelude  to  the  subject  of 
the  ensuing  debate.  Mr.  PETO  and 
others  sought  to  press  upon  the 
Government  the  more  economical  use 
of  our  merchant  shipping.  Here  they 
were  forcing  an  open  door.  Steps  have 
already  been  taken  to  restrict  the  im- 
ports of  luxuries.  Ministers  are  unani- 
mous, I  believe,  in  regarding  "ginger," 
for  instance,  as  an  article  whose  im- 
portation might  profitably  be  curtailed. 


FKHIU  AHY  23,  1916.] 


PUNCH,   OR    TIIM    LONDON    CIIAIJI VAI 


>  • 

V   i  . 


I II 


HIGHLAND    HOSPITALITY. 

IT  happened  in  Scotland — it  couldn't 
have  happened  anywhere  else. 

I  had  heen  visiting  the  MacNeils. 
They  sy  mpathised  over  my  wound ;  they 
rallied  round  with  tea  and  toast ;  they 
provided  Scotch  whisky.  My  one  ob- 
jection  to  the  family  was  their  supremo 
confidence  in  these  new-fledged  lads 
of  the  Home  Defence,  whom  I — as  a 
Subaltern  of  the  old  school  who  had 
done  my  time  at  Sandhurst  before  (In- 
War — scorned  with  a  dogged  contempt 
which  no  degree  of  argument  could  kill. 

It  was  when  I  reached  the  street 
that  I  realised  that  fervid  fire  in  the 
soul  of  Scotch  hospitality — a  fire  which 
brands  it  as  unique  in  our  island  story. 
In  my  coat  pocket  reposed  a  bottle  of 
1  leather  Dew. 

The  convalescent  home  where  I  was 
being  wooed  hack  to  brisk  health  was 
situated  along  the  sea-front.  Chuckling 
at  the  MacNeils'  efforts  to  modify  my 
views  of  our  Home  Defenders  and  their 
inefficiency,  and  brooding  on  the  folks' 
kind  hearts,  I  paused  to  light  a 
cigarette.  The  wind  blew  out  the 
fluttering  flame.  It  also  set  me  sneez- 
ing, for  I  had  a  bad  cold  in  the  head. 
I  struck  another  match. 

"  Hey  !  "  said  a  voice  suddenly  behind 
me.  I  swerved,  choking  hack  a  sneeze. 
"Hey,  hey,  hey!"  some  broad  Doric 
tongue  continued. 

A  heavy  hand  came  plump  on  my 
shoulder;  a  large  Highland  face  was 
pushed  into  mine  ;  a  kilt  flapped  round 
Eong  bare  shanks.  I  sneezed  again. 

"  Got  ye  this  time,  lad !  "  announced 
the  son  of  the  North,  who  now  appeared 
to  be  a  brawny  lance-corporal.  "  Sig- 
nallin'  ye  are.  Oot  to  sea.  Ah  saw  ye 
blinkin'  wi'  a  licht." 

I  sneezed  again.  "  I  was'd  !  "  I 
declared  as  well  as  the  cold  in  my 
head  would  allow.  "  It  was  a  batch. 
I  've  dever  sigdalled  id  by  life.  You  're 
wrog — quite  wrog !  " 

He  gripped  me  firmly  by  the  arm. 

"  Dinna  tell  me !  "  he  announced  in 
conclusive  tones.  "  Ah  ken  better ! 
Ye  're  the  second  spy  Ah  've  cotched. 
Come  along,  ma  freend  Fritz  !  Ye  '11 
hae  the  job  o'  explaining  to  the  Colonel 
whaur  ye  got  that  second-lootenant's 
uniform." 

Hunching  his  rifle  over  his  shoulder, 
he  marched  me  back  the  way  I  had 
come. 

"  Where  are  you  takig  be  to  ?  "  I 
enquired  thickly.  "Take  be  to  your 
Cobbadig  Officer  at  wudco.  I  wad  to 
egsplaid  !  " 

"  Ah  '11  hae  nane  o'  your  clavers," 
he  said  shortly.  "  Ye  're  for  the  gaird- 
room.  Dinna  tell  me  ye  're  no  a  Ger- 
man wi'  a  tongue  like  yon  !  " 


• 


ECONOMY 


THE    CINEMA    DE    LUXE. 


Mrs.  Jones  (completing  her  fourth  hour).  "I  USED  TO  STAY  ONLY  TWO  nouns; 

ONE  'AS  TO  MAKE  THREEPENCE  GO  FURTHER  THESE  DAYS." 


BUT 


"I've  god  a  gold  id  by  head!"  I 
shouted  at  him.  "  I 'b  dotaGerbud! 
I  'b  Lieutedad  Dobsod " 

"  Hand  yer  tongue.  Ye  're  a  Choo- 
ton.  An'  ye  're  cotched.  That 's  flat." 

I  was  bundled  into  a  draughty  cattle- 
shed.  The  door  was  slammed.  I 
sneezed.  It  was  a  bright  prospect.  I 
changed  my  views  on  the  inefficiency 
of  our  Home  Defenders.  They  now 
appealed  to  me  as  violently  efficient. 
A  night  in  a  tumble-down  cow-house  ! 
Desolation  !  Then  I  brightened  up  : 
the  MacNeils'  whisky.  The  cork 
popped  in  the  silence  of  the  night. 

The  door  opened.  A  sentry's  head 
was  poked  round.  Disregarding  him, 
I  raised  the  bottle  to  my  chattering 
teeth.  Then  the  lance  -  coi-poral 
appeared.  With  a  sudden  thought  I 
offered  him  the  bottle.  A  strange  look 
crept  across  his  face.  Gingerly  lie  took 
the  bottle.  Then  there  was  a  comfort- 
able sound.  He  drew  a  hand  across 
his  mouth. 

"That's    grrand,"    he    said.     "Beg 


pardon?  Sir.  It's  been  ma  mistake. 
Jock,  the  prisoner  is  a  Scottish  officer. 
Let  him  gang.  .  .  .  Thank  ye,  Sir ; 
thank  ye  for  the  whisky." 


"The  Germans  ...  a  whole  company 
being  decimated,  the  only  survivors,  a  captain 
uud  seventy  men,  surrendering." 

Pall  Hall  Gazette. 

This  indication  that  the  normal  strength 
of  a  German  company  is  now  only  79 
is  welcome  news. 


"  The  air  defence  of  London  is  now  practic- 
ally under  the  control  of  the  homo  forces,  of 
which  Lord  French  is  Commander-in-Chief, 
and  Admiral  Lord  French  is  Coinmandcr-in 
Chief,  and  Admiral  the  gunnery  defences  of 
London." — Provincial  Paper. 
So  now  we  're  all  right. 

"  The  spectacle  of  the  snow-clad  trees  on  tho 
London  Road,  und  in  other  suburban  districts, 
was  pleisa-.it  to  the  eye,  although  it  made 
walking  a  trifle  difficult." — Leicester  Mail. 

It  is  our  habit  to  discourage  the 
dangerous  practice  of  tree-gazing  while 
in  motion. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  23,  1916. 


ONCE    UPON    A    TIME. 

THE  MIRACLK. 

ONCE  upon  a  time  there  was  one 
Herbert.  The  doctor  being  unwilling  to 
pass  him  so  that  there  was  no  chance 
that  he,  in  the  words  of  the  great  joke, 
would  "  march  too,"  he  had  taken  a 
situation  as  a  waiter. 

Englishmen  (it  is  an  axiom)  do  not 
make  good  waiters  ;  nor  was  he  an 
exception.  But  he  was  conscientious 
and  painstaking,  although  clumsy  and 
of  short  memory.  Still,  thisp~ 
was  war-time,  and  Hans  had 
gone  to  Germany  and  might 
now  be  dead,  and  Fritz  very 
properly  was  interned,  and  Josef 
had  sought  Vienna  once  more, 
and  Pasquale  and  Giuseppe  had 
rejoined  the  Italian  flag,  and  the 
only  foreigners  left  were  a  few 
nondescripts,  very  volubly,  in- 
deed almost  passionately,  of 
Swiss  nationality.  In  fact,  if 
this  War  has  done  nothing  else 
it  has  at  least  established  the 
fact  that  the  male  population  of 
Switzerland  is  far  greater  than 
any  one  had  supposed.  Gallant 
little  Switzerland ! 

So  you  see  this  was  Herbert's 
chance,  and  the  manager  was 
glad  to  get  him ;  and  Herbert, 
who,  owing  to  the  slump  in 
games,  had  lost  his  job  at  an 
athletic  sports  factory  and  had 
certain  financial  liabilities  which 
he  had  long  since  abandoned 
any  hope  of  meeting,  was  glad 
to  come.  Only  by  infinite  self- 
denial  and  sacrifice  did  he  get 
together  the  necessary  capital 
for  his  clothes  and  the  deposit 
demanded  from  waiters  against 
breakages,  theft  and  so  forth. 

On  his  first  day  as  one  in 
charge  of  three  or  four  tables 

Herbert  made  some  very  serious 

}  -         Old 


minded  of  the  error  (little  as  such 
reminding  is  to  the  taste  of  regular 
customsrs) ;  on  the  contrary,  he  had 
never  been  known  to  visit  the  restaur- 
ant before.  You  see,  then,  how  un- 
happily Herbert  viewed  life  as  he 
lav  awake  in  his  attic  that  night, 
and  very  heavy  were  his  feet  on  his 
way  to  work  the  next  day,  with  an 
overcoat  buttoned  up  to  his  neck  to 
hide  his  evening  dress. 

It  was  a  cold  rainy  morning;    the 
wind  raged;   and  the  very  indifferent 


THE  BEST  AIR  "MINISTER." 

WHO  shall  be  Lord  of  the  Air, 
Now  N.  has  seen  fit  to  declare, 
To  his  followers'  deep  despair, 
That  he  can't  conscientiously  sit 
In  a  Cabinet  void  of  grit  ? 
For  CHURCHILL  is  tied  to  the  Front, 
And  MABKHAM  is  out  of  the  hunt, 
And  eloquent  BERNARD  VAUGHAN 
From  his  pulpit  can't  be  withdrawn. 

Who  shall  be  Lord  of  the  Air 

And  take  us  all  under  bis  care  ? 
Why,   ROBERTSON   NICOLL,   of 

course — 

A  man  of  colossal  force, 
With  a  perfectly  splendid  gift 
For  soaring  and  moral  uplift. 
For,  though  nobody  so  uniquely 
Can  hearten  The  British  Weekly, 
His  readers  will  cheerfully  spare 
Him  to  go  and  remain  in  the  air, 
Careering  along  the  inane 
In  a  Nicoll-plated  plane 
With,   to  lend  him    additional 

fervour, 
Mr.  G*nv*N  as  his  "Observer." 


mistakes.  He  was  complained 
of  for  slowness,  he  turned  over 
a  sauce-boat,  he  broke  a  gla'ss,  and 
he  forgot  to  charge  for  the  cigar  which 
the  portly  gentleman  in  the  corner  had 
taken  after  his  lunch.  And  this  cigar 
was  a  half-crown  Corona,  for  the  portly 
gentleman  either  had  not  yet  grasped 
the  full  meaning  of  War  economy  or 
was  enjoying  one  of  those  periodical 
orgies  to  which  even  rigid  economists 
think  themselves  to  be  entitled. 

Already  Herbert  had,  like  Alnascliar 
in  the  Eastern  tale,  spent  in  imagination 
far  more  than  he  could  make  all  the 
week,  and  this  blow,  with  the  manager's 
abuse  to  servo  as  salt  in  the  wound, 
sent  him  home  in  miseiy.  Nor  was 
it  as  if  the  portly  gentleman  was  a 
regular  customer  who  could  be  re- 


Ladtj.  "An,  IT'LL  TAKE  MORE  THAN  PREACIUXO  TO 
THEM  '  ZEPPELINS  REPENT  ! ' ' 


soles  of  Herbert's  boots  absorbed  mois- 
ture like  blotting-paper.  Everything 
was  against  him.  There  was  not  a 
gleam  of  hope  in  the  future,  not  a  ray 
of  light.  His  companions  were  surly, 
the  manager  was  venomous,  the  bitter 
rain  fell  on.  He  was  in  debt  and  would 
get  the  sack. 

It  was  then  that  the  miracle  hap- 
pened. Suddenly  Herbert,  who  was 
gazing  forlornly  through  the  window 
at  this  disconsolate  world,  waiting, 
napkin  on  his  arm,  to  begin  to  wait, 
heard  a  voice  saying,  "  I  'm  afraid  you 
forgot  to  charge  me  for  my  cigar  yester- 
day." It  was  the  portly  gentleman. 
Life  was  not  utterly  hopeless  any 
more. 


The  Mule's  Parentage. 

"THE    BEST   THING  YET    SAID    OF 

.      THE    22. 

Mr.  Gibson  Bowles,  at  the  City 
blockade  meeting,  on  the  Coalition  : 
"The  Government  did  not  swop 
horses.  They  made  an  alliance  with 
another  animal ;  and  the  result  is  a 
mule  without  pride  of  ancestry  or  hope 
of  posterity." — Evening  News. 

Incidentally  the  unkindest  thing 
that  has  yet  been  said  of  the 
Unionists  who  joined  the  late 
Ministry. 

"There  were  further  indications  at 
the  meeting  of  the  Salop  County 
Council  on  Saturday  of  the  Council's 
desire  to  economise  where  possible. 
Dr.  McCarthy  drew  attention  to 
figures  given  in  the  report  of  the 
County  Medical  Officer  of  Health 
showing  a  diminution  in  the  birth- 
rate of  the  county  for  the  quarter  to 
the  extent  of  14  per  cent." 

Wellington  Journal. 

Economy  of  any  kind  is  praiseworthy, 
but  we  think  they  might  have  begun 
with  one  of  the  other  rates. 


"  The  domestic  income  of  a  more  or  less 
typical  three-roomed  cottage  near  the  docks 
is  at  present  £17  per  week.  Among  the 
recent  purchases  of  the  family,  a  pianoforte, 
costing  £50,  may  be  enumerated,  although 
no  one  in  the  house  can  play  a  note.  This 
looks  more  wasteful  than  the  common  outlay 
on  gramophones,  which  at  least  give  pleasure. 
The  idea  of  sound  investment  is  slow  in  pene- 
tration among  the  suddenly  affluent  in  wages." 
Liverpool  Daily  Post  and  Mercury. 

We  dislike  carping,  but  surely  a  piano 
is  always  a  sound  investment. 


FEBRUARY  23,  1916.]  PUNCH,    OR    THE    LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


143 


{•*)         if  ,,          H     '  %       V  -~  ' ! '  \ 

wsyGfcTfifft 
x~fof  Tsi  *j£/:t 


AFTER    THE    CONCERT. 

"WELt,    BlLt,    I'VE   HEARD   A  BETTER   SING-SONG   THAN   THAT  BX  THE   GERMANS  IN  THE  TRENCHES — AND   WE   SHOT    *EM   FOR   IT." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
IN  fiction  it  is  certainly  true  that  nothing  succeeds  like 
success.     There  is  a  sure  and  very  understandable  charm  in 
a  story  of  climbing  fortunes.    Therefore  it  may  be  that  part 
of  my  pleasure  in  Tasker  Jevons  (HUTCHINSON)  was  due  to 
sympathy  with  the  upward  progress  of  its  hero.    But  much 
more  was  certainly  due  to  the  art  with  which  Miss  MAY 
SINCLAIR  has  written  about  it.     Tasker  Jevons  is  a  book, 
and  a  character,  that  will  linger  pleasantly  in  my  memory. 
He  was  a  little  man  with  a  great  personality,  or  rather  I 
will  say  a  great  purpose,  and  that  was  to  approve  himself 
in  the  eyes  of  the  wife  whom  he  worshipped,  and  her  per- 1 
plexed,  slightly  contemptuous  family.   The  trouble  was  that 
Tasker  was  in  the  beginning  a  hack  journalist,  socially  and 
personally  impossible ;  and  that  Viola  Thesiger,  whom  he 
married,  belonged  by  birth  to  the  rigidest  circle  of  Cathedral ! 
society  (Miss  SINCLAIR,  scorning  subterfuge,  calls  it  quite ' 
openly  Canterbury).     So  you  see  the  difficulties  that  beset  j 
the  Jevons  pair.     Their  story  is  told  here,  very  effectively,  I 
through  the  mouth  of  a  third  person,  a  fellow-journalist  and  | 
admirer    of    Jevons — but   quite  respectable — the  rejected  j 
suitor  of  Viola,  and  eventually  the  husband  of  her  sister.  | 
Through    his   clever   and   observant   eyes   wo   watch   the ! 
progress  of  Jevons,  see  him  prospering  materially,  becoming  ! 
famous  and  rich  and  vulgarised.     It  is  an  unusually  close 
and   rather   subtle   study   of    the  development  of  such  a 
man.     Eventually  there  happens  that  for  which  the  date, 


Midsummer  1914,  will  have  prepared  you,  ^ven  if  you 
had  forgotten  that  Miss  SINCLAIR  had  herself  served  in 
Belgium  with  a  field  ambulance.  So  the  end  of  the  book 
gives  us  some  vivid  War  pictures.  Taking  it  all  round,  I 
am  inclined  to  consider  Tasker  Jevons  the  best  of  the  1916 
novels  that  has  yet  come  my  way. 

When,  in  the  first  chapter  of  Moll  Davis  (ALLEN  AND 
UNWIN),  you  find  the  heroine  having  a  very  pretty  dispute 
with  the  landlord  of  the  Mischief  Inn,  and  a  gallant  blade 
of  a  fellow  coming  to  her  rescue,  you  will  guess  what  fare 
is  to  follow.  And,  provided  that  your  taste  is  for  diet  of 
the  lightest,  you  will  not  be  disappointed,  for  no  one  is 
more  capable  than  Mr..  BERNARD  CAPES  of  making  it  palat- 
able. Here  we  are  then  back  in  the  year  1661,  and  in  a 
maze  of  intrigue.  Wit,  if  we  are  to  believe  the  novelist,  was 
as  plentiful  in  those  days  as  morals  were  scarce,  and 
Mr.  CAPES  is  not  the  man  to  spoil  tradition  for  lack  of 
colour.  He  calls  his  book  a  comedy,  but  he  should  have 
called  it  a  comedy  with  an  interlude ;  and  the  part  I  like 
best  is  the  interlude.  Possibly  because  he  was  weary  of 
plots  and  counterplots  he  suddenly  breaks  loose,  and  with  a 
warning  to  those  who  have  "an  unconquerable  repugnance 
to  sentiment "  tells  a  moving  tale  that  has  nothing  to  do 
with  the  main  narrative.  I  can  thank  him  unreservedly 
for  this,  and  for  the  crop  of  words  which  he  has  added 
to  my  vocabulary.  "Bingawast,"  "  gingumbobs,"  and 
"  fubbs  "  have  the  right  ring,  and  after  a  little  training  I 
hope  to  use  them  with  telling  effect  on  my  platoon. 


144: 


rrNcn,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[FEBRUARY  23,  1916. 


Edith  Ottley  cherished  a  passion  for  Aylmer  Ross;  to  antness  of  his  background  ;  secondly,  the  loose  construction 
such  an  extent  indeed  that  she  came  within  an  ace  of  |  that  allows  the  tale  to  be  continually  turning  back  to  look 
eloping  with  him.  However,  the  ace  wasn't  played ;  and  l  behind  it.  He  would  keep  a  lover  in  the  act  of  embracing 
in  due  course  Aylmer  went  to  the  War  and  became  a  j  the  lady  of  his  heart  while  he  explains  what  the  parents  of 
captain.  Unfortunately  he  also  became  much  more  inter- :  each  died  of,  and  all  that  has  happened  since.  Still,  The 
esting  by  reason  of  a  wound;  and,  when  this  brought  him  New  Dawn  remains  an -unconventional  and  strongly  written 


back  to  England,  the  passion  also  returned,  stronger  than 
ever.  This,  of  course,  is  why  their  story  is  called  Love  at 
Second  SifjJit  (GRANT  RICHARDS).  I  have  now  a  small 
surprise  for  you,  namely  that  Edith  was  already  married, 
and  owned  a  charming  house,  a  valetudinarian  husband 
and  two  pleasant  children.  So  I  quite  expected  that 
Ai/lincr,  in  the  fulness  of  time,  would  either  (1)  be  removed 
by  the  enemy,  or  (2)  marry  a  delightful  little  Red-Cross 
nurse  who  adored  him.  But  the  author,  Mrs.  LKVERSON, 
had  other  views.  Instead  therefore  of  ending  her  heroine 
in  the  expected  mood  of  conventional  reconciliation  she 
sends  the  objectionable  husband  off  with  somebody  else, 
and  leaves  us  to  a  prospect  of  wedding-bells  with  the 
divorce  court  as  a  preliminary,  r 
Which  is  at  least  original. 
But  throughout  I  had  the  feel- ' 
ing  that  a  great  deal  of  bright 
and  clever  writing  was  being 
wasted  on  a  poor  theme.  The 
characters  are  brilliantly  sug- 
gested, but  —  with  perhaps 
one  exception,  forgetful  Lady 
Conroy,  who  is  an  entire  de- 
light—  they  seem  altogether 
unworthy  of  it.  In  fact  I 
came  away  from  the  book 
with  the  impression  of  having 
attended  a  gathering  of  some- 
what shoddily  smart  people, 
and  sat  next  to  a  clever  woman 
who  had  been  witty  about  j 
them.  The  worst  of  the 
matter  is  that  they  are  all  so 
real.  This  is  a  tribute  to  the 
author,  but  a,  most  unpleasant 
reflection  for  everyone  else. 


story,  which  will  certainly  interest  though  perhaps  hardly 
enliven  you. 


My  attention  was  first 
attracted  to  The  New  Dawn 
(LONG)  by  the  fact  that  the  plot  starts  at  Euston  Station. 
That  interesting,  not  to  say  romantic,  line,  the  L.  &  N.  W.  R., 
is  usually  shunned  by  our  novelists.  But  although 
"  GEORGE  WTOVIL  "  takes  his  characters  to  the  furthest  North, 
even  beyond  Glasgow,  their  sympathies,  like,  I  think,  those 
of  their  creator,  remain  behind  in  fair  and  false  and  fickle 
Wimbledon.  This  at  least  was  where  Halvey  Brown 
wished  himself  as  the  train  glided  over  the  best  laid  track 
in  Europe  towards  dour  Bartocher.  And  Bmini,  though 
he  knew  the  natural  drabness  of  his  destination  already, 
had  at  that  time  no  information  as  to  all  the  unpleasing 
events  that  were  to  happen  there ;  that,  for  example,  the 
minister's  new  wife  would  turn  out  to  be  a  lady  with  a  past 
that  ho  himself  had  shaved,  or  that  the  fair-haired  young 
man  in  the  same  compartment  was  the  assistant  minister, 
who  would  fall  in  love  with  the  said  wife  and  eventually 
slay  her,  the  minister,  and  himself.  I  find  I  have  been  led 
into  betraying  for  you  the  outline  of  the  story.  Perhaps,  how- 
ever, this  does  not  greatly  matter.  The  value  of  the  book 
lies  in  its  very  natural  and  human  characters.  All  four 
of  them — there  are  only  four  who  really  matter — are  admir- 
ably drawn,  so  that  the  tragedy  of  their  lives  holds  and 
convinces  you.  My  complaints  against  the  author  are,  first, 
the  excess  of  emphasis  that  he  gives  to  the  physical  unpleas- 


Thc  Hector.  "WELL,   WILLIAM,   YOU   OUGHT   TO   BE   PROUD 

AND    HAPPY    TO    KNOW    YOU    HAVE    FOUR    SONS    SERVING    THEIR 
COUNTRY   WITH   His   MAJESTY'S   FORCES." 

William.  "I  AM  PROUD  AND  HAPPY,  SIR,  BUT  THE  OLD 
WOMAN  SHE  DO  FRET  SOMETHIN1  TERRIBLE  BECAUSE  NONE  OF 
'KM  AIN'T  GOT  NO  VICTORIA  CROSS  YET." 


There  is  something  very  soothing  in  the  peeps  into  dusty 
family  papers  and  the  faint  echoes  of  departed  gossip  which 
Mrs.  STIRLING  provides  in  A  Painter  of  Dreams  (LANE). 
These  pleasantly  amateurish  historical  studies  go  back  a 
century  and  a  half.  A  commonplace  book  from  which  are 
quoted  many  diverting  and  incredible  things  ;  a  chapter  in 
which  those  queer  Radicals,  HORNE  TOOKE,  COBBKTT,  Sir 
FRANCIS  BURDETT  and  bluff  Squire  BOSVILLE,  are  chiefly 
concerned ;  a  sketch  of  the  fourth  Earl  of  ALBEMARLE, 
keen  farmer  and  friend  of  COKE  of  Norfolk,  Master  of  the 

Horse  to  WILLIAM  IV.  and 
QUEEN  VICTORIA  (it  is  to 
ALBEMAHLE  in  this  capacity 
that  the  IRON  DUKE  said : 
"  The  Queen  can  make  you  go 
inside  the  coach,  or  outside 
the  coach,  or  run  behind  it 

like  a  d d  tinker's  dog"), 

winner  of  the  Ascot  Gold  Cup 
three  years  running  and  stiff- 
backed  autocrat ;   an  account 
of  the  beautiful  Misses  CATON 
of  Baltimore  and  their  matri- 
monial adventures — the  Amer- 
ican invasion  of  brides  bringing 
;  money  and  beauty  in  exchange 
|  for  titles  thus  dating  back  to 
1816  ;  some  details  of  the  lives 
j  of  two  artists,  JOHN  HERRING, 
!  animal  painter,   and  RODDAM 
SPENCER  STANHOPE,  one  of  the 
lesser  pre-Raphaelites  and  the 
i  painter  of  dreams  referred  to 
'  in  the  title — these  all  make  up 
an  agreeable  pot-pourri   with 

an  old-world  fragrance  which 

ought  to-be  able  to  charm  you  out  of  the  preposterous 
nightmare  of  the  present.  But  it  makes  one  feel  old  to 
see  that  the  conscientious  author  thinks  that  DICKY  DOYLE 
now  needs  a  footnote  to  let  the  present  generation  know 
who  he  was. 


From  the  Catalogue  of  a  V.T.C.  Tailor. 

"'I  am,'  a  V.T.C.  Secretary  writes.  '  in  correspondence  with  the 
undertaker,  ;in<l  hope  at  last  to  induce  the  War  Office  to  recognise  us 
by  sending  a  representative  to  attend  our  funeral  rites.'  ' 


"  One  man  of  four  who  escaped  the  bombs." — Morning  Paper. 
A  little  too  old  for  the  baby-killers. 


"  LORD    SUMNER    ON    THE   NEED    FOR    SELF-SACRIFICE. 

'  If  the  House  of  Lords  and  the  House  of  Commons  could  be  taken 
and  thrown  into  a  volcano  every  day  the  loss  represented  would  be 
less  than  the  daily  cost  of  the  campaign.'  " — The  Times. 

It  sounds  a  drastic  remedy,  but  might  be  worth  trying. 

"Lemons,  used  largely  for  making  demonade,  have  a  medicinal 
value." — Daily  Paper. 

We  know  nothing  of  the  drinks  popular  in  the  lower 
regions,  but  have  always  heard  that  the  nectarines  used 
for  making  nectar  have  a  strong  tonic  effect. 


MARCH  1,  191G.] 


PUNCH,   OR   THE    LONDOX   ('I  I A  HIV  A  I!  I. 


145 


CHARIVARIA. 

Tin:  Volunteers   have  at   last   been 
•used.     There    has    been    notliing 


like  it  sinco  the 
in  !•! /I'd ri 


[reat  recognition- scene 


Tin;    <-a-e    ha-;    b  >eu    reported    of    a 
Stepney  child  which   has  developed  a 


of  the  brain,  as  the  result  of  an 
air  raid.  Similar  cases  are  said  to 
have  been  obsened  in  the  neighbour- 

hood of    Fleet   St  reet  . 


It  now  transpires  that  the 
music  of  St.  Paul's  Cathedral 
emanates  from  an  organ  of 
German  construction.  There 
seems  to  bo  some  doubt  as  to 
whether  an  explanation  is  due 
from  Thr  ]\'cxtiitiiintfr  Gazette 
or  The 


numbers.  It  is  explained  that  the 
falling-oil'  in  the  European  demand  for 
j iot  ted  reed  birds  is  responsible  for  the 

phenomenon,        ...  % 

It  is  announced  that  the  Cabinet  are 
to  take  a  portion  of  their  salaries  in 
Exchequer  Honds.  Not  to  he  outdone 
the  members  of  the  Reichslag  are  said 
to  have  agreed  to  soil  their  lingers 
with  dirty  British  gold  rather  than 
hinder  the  German  Government'-, 


"  Mr.     .lulian     Kimball    (of     Covent 

Garden  and  the  London  Opera  House)," 


The  mysterious  shortage  of 
butter  in  Germany,  which 
lias  resulted  in  measures  being 
drafted  limiting  the  consump- 
tion to  4  o/s.  per  week  per 
adult,  is  now  explained.  Count 
vox  BERNSTORFP  lias  used  up 
all  the  available  supplies  on 
Congress.  ...  ... 

The  General  Omnibus  Com- 
pany has  made  the  announce- 
ment that  it  will  not  employ 
any  women  drivers  for  its 
omnibuses.  The  company's 
officers  fear  that  if  women  were 
so  employed  there  would  be  an 
absence  of  that  racy  repartee 
which  alone  prevents  traffic 
from  reaching  a  condition  of 
iii'li  ciihable  congestion. 
%  * 

The  demand  for  second-hand 
pianos  now  for  the  first  time 
in  the  history  of  the  trade  far 
Is  the  supply.  It  is  not 
only  in  Germany  that  War  and 
frightfulness  go  hand-in-hand. 


'I'"  Musical  critic  of  Tim  Ihiilii 
Mail,  "is  a  singer  yon  can  \valch  a-, 
well  as  list-on  to."  The  desirability  of 
coiu-ealing  the  faces  of  some  of  our 
principal  singers  in  the  pasl  i  •;  un- 
doubtedly one  of  I  lie  n-isons  why 
Kngland  has  lagged  behind  in  the 
musical  art.  ^  ... 

*'" 

A  well-known  candidate  for  the  East 
Herts  Division  is  said  to  bo 
urgcnth  in  need  ,,(  motorcars. 
His  opponents  however  point 
out  (hat  the  need  to  econo- 
mise in  petrol  was  never  more 
urgent  than  at  present. 

'"*'" 

Speaking  on  the  question  of 
Mortage  of  freights  Mr. 
RIXCIMAN  stated,  a  few  days 
ago,  that  he  did  not  know  that 
ostrich  feathers  took  up  much 
room.  Has  he  never  been  to  a 
matinee?  .,,  j 

•!* 

In  the  same  connection  a 
member  of  the  Ladies'  Kennel 
Club  writes  :  "  I  let  them  take 
my  husband  for  their  horrid 
old  War  without  grumbling, 
but  when  they  tell  mo  that 
poor  little  Nanki-Poo  can't 
have  his  ostrich-feather  pillow 
to  lie  on  I  think  it  is  too 
much  !  " 


Miilt/ut  (as  lie  coine.i  In).   "I  EXPECT  TUB  WAR'S  BEEN  A  HIT 

BAD   FOB  YOUR   REGULAR   BUSINESS,    MlSTEB  ?  " 

Second.  "Nox  IT.      THE   BOOT-MAKIN' TRADE 'a  AS  GOOD  AS 
EVER." 

Milled.  "On,  YOU'RE  A  HOOT-MAKER,  ARE  YOU?    FUNNY — 

I    MADE   CERTAIN  YOU   WAS   A  CAB-WASHER." 


"The  profits  of  the  Bradford 
I  KITS'  Association  exceed  the  most 
sanguinary  expectations." 

Mnniiiij  1'rtjX'i'. 

The    influence    of    the    War, 
again. 


S.F.C.A.,   please  note. 

"Dogs  are   generally  from  9  to 
,  18  inches  long  and  the  teeth  from 
3   to  8   inches  long  ;    the    service 
pattern  arc  from   12  to   15   inches 
long  with  0  inch  teeth.   For  straight 
dogs  the  ends  of  the  teeth  should  be 
slightly  further  apart  than  at  their 
Uogs  when  heated   red-hot    can    be 
till   their   teeth  make  any   required 
with    each    other,    generally    n    right 
they  are  then  known  as  skew  dogs." 
Military  Engineering. 


'The  offensive  eggs  were  first  placed  in  a 


The  capture  of  Mush  by  the  Russian    operations   for   correcting   the    depre-    roo,fc 
army  of  the  Caucasus  is  an  event  the  ciation  of  the  mark.  twi* 

importance  of  which  has  not  been  fully  ;  *...* 

recognized.     It  is  undoubtedly  the  place       The  suggestion  has  been  put  forward 
which  the  Turkish  official  reports   that,  as  a  timely  War  economy,  well- 
of  victory  have  been  issued.  to  do  people  should  give  up  their  hot- 

houses.    There  seems  to  be  a  division   mangle,  and  the  slow,  crude,  and  obnoxious 
The    Marconi    Company    have    an-   of  opinion,  however,  as  to  whether  the   ».'™ess  was  gone  through  of  u™*lH'"g  thf£V 
nounced  that  "deferred  plain  language  ,  hot-house  plants  should  be  given  their  :  JJ.),y"^bccami  ° 

rams"    will    again    be    received,  i  liberty,  or  (as  economy  would  soern  to   v-<       \ 
More  truckling  to  the  Tory  Tress  !  dictate)  be  killed  for  the  table. 

:':     •': 

.*'  "LADY,  45,  domesticated,  Protestant,  fur- 

Australia  lias  suspended  the  trade-    ,,iture,  wishes  Correspondence  with  Ecspcct- 

view   inatri- 


A     traveller     returning     from     Fast 


one  down,  in  fact. 


Africa    reports    that,    notwithstanding  marks  of  450  German  articles.   It  would  !  able  Widower    and    Bachelor  ; 

the  military  operations  that  are  taking  be  interesting  to  know  if  the  most  his-  i  niony."  —Hitiitlipirt  Visitor. 

place  in  various  parts  of  the  country,  toric   German  trade-mark,  '  MADE.  IN  |  One  of  the  two  gentlemen  will  have  to 

pinoceroses  appear  to  be  increasing  in  TIIK  UNITKD  STATES,"  is  among  these.    ;  be  content  with  the  furniture. 


14(5 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAI1CH    1,    1910. 


A    CURE    FOR    DEPRESSION. 

MOMENTS  there  are  of  transient  gloom 

When  life  for  me  appears  to  lose 
Its  rcsy  aspect  and  assume 

The  turnip's  pessimistic  hues; 
As  when  o'  mornings,  gazing  out 

Across  my  patch  of  fog-grey  river, 
I  feel  a  twinge  of  poor  man's  gout 

Or  else  a  touch  of  liver ; 

Or  when,  forgetting  WATTS'S  rhymes 

On  puppy-dogs  that  bark  and  bite, 
The  Westminster  attacks  The  Times, 

Starting  a  most  unseemly  fight ; 
Or  when  I  find  some  Labour  sheet 

Still  left  at  large  to  boom  rebellion, 
Or  hear  the  thin  pacific  bleat 

Of  "  my  lion,  friend  "  TREVELYAN  ; 

When  enemy  craft  career  above, 

Unchallenged  (till  they've  had  their  fling); 
Or  LITTLE  WILLIE'S  vernal  shove 

Anticipates  the  dawn  of  Spring ; 
When  Neutrals  want  an  open  door 

Kept  wide  for  their  commercial  dealings, 
And  "we  must  risk  to  lose  the  War 

Bather  than  hurt  their  feelings. 

Such  moments,  making  Hope  look  bleak, 

And  Courage  turn  a  little  blue, 
Even  with  hearts  as  tough  as  teak 

May  well  occur;  but,  when  they  do, 
This  thought  will  readjust  your  bile 

And  prove  the  best  of  appetisers: — 
Would  I  exchange  (here 's  where  you  smile) 

Our  chances  with  the  KAISER'S  ?  O.  S. 


UNWRITTEN    LETTERS    TO    THE    KAISER. 

No.  XXXV. 

(From  ENVEB  PASHA.) 

SIBE, — Surely  the  course  of  human  affairs  is  often 
strange  and  perplexing.  When  we  formed  the  Committee 
of  Union  and  Progress  and  deposed  the  wretched  ABDUL 
from  the  Sultanate  no  sane  man  can  have  thought  that 
you  and  I  should  ever  be  friends.  ABDUL  was  your  friend  ; 
you  and  yours  had  lavished  upon  him  and  his  creatures  all 
your  arts  for  the  purpose  of  obtaining  influence  and  pro- 
moting the  interest — forgive  me  for  saying  it — not  so  much 
of  Turkey  as  of  the  German  Empire.  When  therefore  we 
emerged,  and  ABDUL  with  his  system  retired,  all  your 
beautiful  schemes  seemed  to  be  shattered  into  pieces  so 
small  that  no  human  ingenuity  could  avail  to  pick  them  up 
and  fit  them  together  again.  Yet  lo  and  behold,  the 
impossible  has  happened.  ABDUL  remains  in  darkness,  I 
and  my  colleagues  are  in  power,  and  you  and  I  are  even 
more  closely  knit  together  than  is  altogether  desirable  for 
me  and  those  whom  (indirectly,  perhaps,  but  not  the  less 
effectively)  I  help  to  govern.  I  am  entitled  therefore  to 
have  a  heart-to-heart  talk  with  my  bosom-friend,  and,  any- 
how, whether  I  am  entitled  or  not,  that  is  what  I  propose 
to  have.  You  may  tell  me  in  your  genial  way  that  I  am 
only  an  upstart,  but  I  answer  that  I  occupy  my  position 
not  because  my  father  and  my  grandfather  were  big  men, 
but  because  I  myself,  through  my  own  plans  and  by  my 
own  strength,  did 'certain  things  which  in  my  judgment 
had  to  be  done. 

What  I  now  feel,  0  my  friend,  is  this :  I  am  beginning 


to  doubt  whether  in  all  this  tremendous  confusion  of  fight- 
ing I  have  made  the  right  choice.  It  wasn't  necessary  for 
us  Turks  to  fight  at  all ;  it  wasn't  even  desirable.  We  had 
suffered  a  severe  set-back  in  the  first  Balkan  War,  and  in 
the  second  we  were  only  just  able,  owing  to  the  consum- 
mate folly  of  that  silly  knave,  your  friend,  TSAR  FERDINAND, 
to  snatch  a  brand  or  two  from  the  burning.  What  we 
wanted  was  rest,  and  had  it  not  been  for  you  we  might 
have  had  it — yes,  and  our  wounds  might  have  been  healed 
and  our  finances  restored,  while  others  endured  privation 
and  loss. 

All  that,  as  I  say,  we  might  have  had ;  but  from  the 
day  when  the  Goeben  arrived  off  Constantinople  we  were 
doomed.  That,  indeed,  was  a  master-stroke  on  your  part, 
but  for  us  it  has  meant  misery  on  an  ever-increasing  scale. 
What  were  your  promises  ?  We  were  to  have  Egypt,  but 
you  were  to  be  there  too,  and  you  were  to  hold  the  Bagdad 
railway  and  the  regions  through  which  it  ran.  We  were  to 
help  you  in  conquering  India,  but  you  were  to  keep  it  for 
yourself  when  once  it  was  conquered.  We  were  to  have  a 
free  hand  with  the  Armenians.  Well,  we  have  had  it,  and 
the  Armenians  are  fewer  by  half-a-million  than  they  were. 
Pleasant  as  it  is  to  contemplate  the  destruction  of  those 
restless  and  disloyal  infidels,  it  cannot  be  said  that  we  have 
gained  any  advantage  from  it,  for  the  Kussians  have  taken 
Erzerum  and  are  sweeping  through  Armenia  in  a  mighty 
and  irresistible  torrent,  while  our  Turkish  armies  are 
scattered  to  the  winds  of  heaven.  Strong  as  you  are  and 
prodigal  of  promises,  here  you  have  failed  to  make  good 
your  pledges  of  help,  and  nowhere  else  do  you  seem  able 
to  achieve  anything,  except  the  crushing  of  little  nations. 

I  look  back  with  loathing  upon  the  day  when  I  was 
mad  enough  to  listen  to  you  and  to  become  a  partner  in 
your  schemes.  You  flattered  us,  nay,  you  even  fawned 
upon  us  in  order  to  secure  your  ends,  and,  now  that  our 
forces  have  been  joined  with  yours,  ruin  menaces  my 
country  and  my  race.  You,  forsooth,  allow  yourself  to 
be  held  up  as  a  great  prophet  of  Islam  and  a  Heaven- 
sent protector  of  its  faith  ;  but  we  who  see  our  nation 
crumbling  into  dust  owing  to  your  selfish  ambition  may 
be  pardoned  if  at  last  we  look  to  ourselves  and  attempt 
to  save  what  still  remains  to  us.  To  work,  as  they  say,  for 
the  King  of  PBUSSIA  has  never  been  a  profitable  undertaking. 

Yours,  ENVEB. 


"Fireworks  were  thrown  from  the  gallery  and  the  audience  rushed 
on  the  platform,  pelting  the  Pacifists  with  red  ochre.  The  meeting 
ended  with  the  sinking  of  Rule  Britannia." — Egyptian  Gazette. 

The  Pacifists  appear  to  have  had  the  last  word,  after  all. 


"  MILL  MANAGER  HONOURED. — Mr.  • — -  has  been  elected  a  Fellow 
of  the  Royal  Society  for  the  encouragement  of  fits." — Times  of  India . 

We  do  not  recognise  the  Society,  but  imagine  it  may  be 
the  Taylorian  Institute. 


"It  will  take  about  12  (lays  for  goods  traffic  to  become  normal 
again,  although  of  course  passenger  traflic  is  not  interfered  with  in 
the  slightest.  In  the  meantime  the  booking  of  elephants  and  other 
perishables  has  been  stopped." — Rangoon  Times. 

Unless,  of  course,  they  leave  their  trunks  behind  them. 


We  observe  that  Mr.  WATERS  BUTLER  has  been  appointed 
a  member  of  the  Liquor  Control  Board,  with  the  hearty 
approval  of  the  Birmingham  Beer,  Spirit  and  Wine 
Trade  Association.  If  there  is  anything  in  a  -name  no 
one  should  bo  better  able  to  hold  the  balance  between 
them  and  the  teetotalers. 


PUNCH,   OK  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— MAKCH  1,  1910. 


THE   MILITARY   REASON. 

"FOE    MILITARY    REASONS    OUR    ARMY    HAS    WITHDRAWN    FROM    ERZERUM." 

Turkish  official  communique  (nearly  a  iceek  after  the  event). 


148 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVAIU. 


[M.utcn  1,  1916. 


Coster  (to  parish  visitor,  who  has  lieen  commiserating  with  liim  on  the  loss  of  his  father}.  "  YES,  MUM,  'E  WERE  A  SPLENDID  FATHER 

TO  US  AND  NO  MISTAKE.      YEB    SEE,    MUM,    THERE    WAS    ELEVEN    OP    US,    AND    I    NEVER    KNOWED    'ill    RAISE   'IS    'AND  TO   ONE  OF   US — 
'CEPT  AS   IT  MIGHT  BE   IN   SELF-DEFENCE." 


AT    THE    FRONT. 

SOME  officers  like  putting  up  barbed 
wire,  not  so  much,  I  think,  from  any 
real  deep-seated  affection  for  the  stuff 
itself,  or  from  any  confidence  in  the 
protection  it  affords — its  disintegration 
being  one  of  the  assumed  preliminaries 
of  an  attack — as  for  the  satisfaction  of 
writing  in  the  Weekly  Work  Report, 
"  In  front  of  X276  we  put  up  97  rolls 
of  barbed  wire;  in  front  of  S279,  342 
rolls;  in  front  of  X276a,  3,692  rolls  .  .  ." 
and  so  on. 

An  officer  who  overdoes  this  sport  of 
kings  gets  a  trench  a  bad  name ;  it 
becomes  a  trench  with  a  great  wiring 
tradition  to  be  maintained.  One  of  .us 
took  over  a  legacy  from  one  of  these 
barbarians  last  trip.  H.Q.  had  got 
wind  of  his  zeal  and  was  determined 
that  we  for  our  part  should  not  lie  idle. 
It  was  murmured  in  billets,  it  was 
whispered  upon  the  pave,  that  for  the 
officer  taking  over  B116  there  was  a 
great  wiring  toward.  The  officer  taking 
over  BUG  hated  wiring  worse  than 
bully  beef.  He  said  you  either  die  of 
pneumonia  through  standing  still  pre- 


tending to  supervise,  or  tire  yourself  to 
bits  and  earn  the  undying  contempt  of 
your  party  by  pretending  to  take  an 
active  share  in  the  game. 

Howbeit  he  took  over  B116  and  was 
told  by  the  Next  Man  Up  to  wire  to  his 
heart's  content.  He  asked  the  Next 
Man  Up  just  where  he  wanted  the 
wiring  to  be  performed.  The  Next  Man 
Up  waved  an  airy  arm  in  the  direction 
of  the  Hun,  and  observed,  "  Out  there, 
of  course.  Think  we  wanted  you  to  wire 
Hampstead  Heath  ?  "  Then  the  B116 
officer  took  the  N.M.U.  to  the  parapet 
and  showed  him  waving  acres  of  high 
wire,  low  wire,  loose  wire,  tight  wire, 
thick  wire,  thin  wire,  two  ply,  three 
ply,  and  four  ply,  plain  and  barbed, 
running  out  and  out  into  the  dusk. 

The  N.M.U.  gave  it  all  a  dispassion- 
ate sort  of  look,  and  merely  said,  "  Oh, 
go  out  in  front  of  all  that.  The  Bosch 
is  miles  off  just  here." 

Now  B116  is  a  front  line  trench  in  a 
re-entrant.  The  Hun  trench  facing  it 
is  also  in  a  re-entrant,  the  original  front 
lines  on  both  sides  having  been  crumpled 
and  Hooded  out  of  existence.  So  when 
night  fell  the  officer  of  B116  took  his 


party  and  set  out,  and  he  went  on  and 

on,  and  then  on,  and  there  was  still 

wire.     And  lie  went  on  and  on  and  on. 

And  there  were  bits  of  old  trenches  and 

saps  and  listening  posts,  but  still  wire. 

And  he  went  on  and  on  and  there  were 

more  bits  of   trench   and   more   wire. 

J  And  he  went  on  and  on — and  I  know 

|  this  is  true  because  he  told  me — and 

]  on  and  on  until  (no,  lie  did  not  come 

i  back   to   our   own   trench,    he    had   a 

compass)  an  exceptionally  good  lot  of 

fireworks  went  up,  and  he  was  fired  at 

and  bombed  by  Germans  behind  and 

'Germans   in   front    and    Germans,  on 

either  side,  and,  mind  you,  he  was  still 

!  in  the  wire.     So  he  waited  until  all  the 

!  Germans  appeared  to  have  killed  each 

other  or  gone  to  sleep,  and  brought  his 

party  laboriously  back  to  B116,  from 

which  he  sent  to  the  Next  Man  Up  a 

message  which  ran  :    "  If  you  want  me 

to  wire  Bosch  third  line,  kindly  arrange 

for  artillery  preparation." 

It  is  some  days  now  since  they  put 
up  any  wire  in  front  of  BUG. 

It  is  a  fact  well  known  to  all  our 
most  widely  -  circulated  photographic 
dailies  that  these  German  gunners 


MvuMi  1,  l!)lf).J 


PUNCir.   OR    THE    LONDON   CIIAIM  YAI!I. 


149 


™E£S 


^UMiiiMA 


OUR    BOYS. 

Outraged  Elder  Brother  (icho  lias  been  asked  for  a  li/jht).  "  You 'BE  A  SICE   EXAMPLE   FOB  YOUNG  'EBB.     'Ow  DABE   you   'AVE 

CIO  \KETTE8?" 

Hi  other  Jiill.  "THEY  AIN'T  MINE — THEY 'BE  'EBB'S." 


a  power  of  ammunition.  The 
only  criticism  I  have  to  make  is  that  I 
wish  they  would  waste  it  more  carefully. 
The  way  they  go  strewing  the  stuff 
about  round  us  is  such  that  they  "re 
hound  to  hit  someone  or  something 
before  long.  Still  we  have  only  two 
more  days  in,  and  they  seldom  give  us 
more  than  ten  thousand  shells  a  day. 

We  arc  in  billets  now,  and  frankly, 
i  am  beginning  to  be  very  exercised 
about  my  boots.  When  I  say  "  my 
boots  "  I  mean  rather  the  boots  con- 
cerning me  than  "  the  boots  that  are 
mine."  I  wanted,  some  couple  of 
months  ago,  a  new  pair  of  boots.  I 
told  the  Quartermaster,  and  he  looked 
at  my  then  boots  superciliously  and 
said  he  could  quite  believe  it. 

I  rashly  left  it  at  that,  imagining 
something  would  happen.  A  man 
like  a  quartermaster,  who  rolls  in  boots, 
would,  I  felt,  think  nothing  of  sending 
along  a  dozen  pairs  before  breakfast, 
with  a  chit  telling  me  to  give  away 
what  I  couldn't  use.  But  no.  It  seems 
every  boot  in  his  store  was  numbered. 


I  approached  him  again,  and  demanded 
boots,  soberly,  seriously  and  strenuously. 
I  even  offered  to  pay  for  them.  This 

;  appeared  to  cheer  him  a  little,  and  he 
murmured  something  about  Army 
Form  247  x2b,  not  at  present  in  stock, 

I  but  indispensable  to  the  issue  of  the 
most  negligible  boot  on  payment.  My 
further  efforts  were,  owing  to  exigencies 
of  my  military  situation,  conducted 
through  emissaries.  My  servant  would 
demand  of  his  company  agent  nightly, 
what  about  them  boots?  And  the 
company  agent  would  reply  —  also 

I  nightly — that,  if  the  officer  would  send 

i  his  size  down,  the  matter  would  be 
put  through  at  once.  For  five  nights 
running  my  size  in  boots  went  down 
with  the  empty  water  tins.  On  the 
last  night  I  added  a  sketch  of  my 

I  feet  and  of  my  present  boots,  with 
scale  of  kilometres  subjoined,  a  brief 

I  history  of   footgear  in  Flanders  from 

I  pre-Cu3sarian  times  to  the  present  day, 
one  piece  of  broken  lace  from  the  old 
boots,  and  anything  else  that  struck 
me  as  likely  to  put  the  matter  a  little 
further  through. 


The  lace  appeared  to  put  quite  a  new 
idea  into  their  heads.  The  advance 
booting  agent  now  seemed  to  think 
that  if  I  had  some  boots  already  I 
might  get  the  new  pair  by  a  process 
known  as  exchange,  which  takes  less 
time  and  has  the  additional  advantage 
of  not  costing  anything.  This  struck 
them  as  an  excellent  new  game  for 
several  days  while  they  were  deciding 
which  was  the  right  army  form  for  an 
officer  desirous  of  exchanging  boots. 
At  last  all  appeared  fixed  up.  I  came 
back  into  billets  with  every  confidence 
of  finding  a  couple  of  boots  waiting  for 
me  on  the  mat.  Of  course  I  didn't 
really  believe  they  would  be  there ;  I 
only  had  every  confidence.  Anyhow 
they  were  not. 

This  morning  the  Quartermaster 
called  in  person.  He  wanted  to  know 
what  size  I  took  in  boots. 

I  expect  now  that  the  matter  will  be 
put  through  almost  at  once. 


An  Impending  Apology. 

•'  CHAPLAIN  would  appreciate  portable  Gram- 
ophone for  clearing  station." — The  Times. 


150 


PUNCH,  OK   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH    1,    191G. 


HARD    CASES. 

AMONG  other  applications  which  were 
recently  heard  for  exemption  from  the 
new  Compulsory  Service  Act  for  un- 
married men  we  extract  the  following : — 

Mr.  Isaac  Goldstein  claimed  exemp- 
tion for  liis  clerk,  a  stalwart  youth  of  j 
twenty-two,  on  the  ground  that  he  was 
indispensable  to  him  in  his  business. 

Asked  what  his  business  was  the 
applicant  said  he  was  a  bookmaker. 

The  Chairman.  I  thought  there  was 
no  racing  now* 

Mr.  Goldstein.  Oh,  yes.  Steeple- 
chasing  every  week. 

The  Chairman.  Do  people  still  go  to 
races  and  bet  ? 

Mr.  Goldstein.  Of  course  they  do. 
Why  not  ? 

The  Chairman.  I  fancied  they  might 
have  found  other  things  to  do.  Also  I 
fancied  that  money  might  be  short. 

The  applicant  said  that  there  was 
plenty  of  money  about  if  you  knew 
where  to  look  for  it. 

The  Chairman.  And  who  ride  the 
horses  ? 

Mr.  Goldstein.  The  jockeys,  of  course. 

The  Chairman.  They  prefer  Miat  to 
doing  anything  more  serious  for  their 
country  ? 

Mr.  Goldstein.  They  are  doing  some- 
thing very  serious  for  their  country. 
They're  preserving  the  breed  of  horses. 
Where  would  old  England's  horseflesh 
he  without  races  and  steeplechases? 

The  Chairman.  You  say  this  young 
man  is  indispensable  to  you.  How  ? 

Mr.  Goldstein.  He  is  ray  clerk.  He 
writes  down  the  bets.  I  haven't  got 
time  to  write  down  bets  myself ;  I  'm 
too  busy  taking  them.  He 's  one  of  the 
quickest  clerks  in  England.  I  should 
go  broke  if  I  hadn't  got  him. 

Application  refused. 

Mr.  Joe  Tummilee  applied  for  the 
exemption  of  a  comedian  playing  in  his 
revue,  "  Never  mind  the  War."  This 
young  man,  he  said,  who  was  twenty- 
nine,  was  the  life  and  soul  of  the  piece, 
and  if  he  joined  the  Army  the  applicant 
would  be  put  botli  to  inconvenience 
and  loss. 

The  Chairman.  Are  there  not  older 
or  married  actors  that  you  could  employ 
for  this  great  work  ? 

Mr.  Tummilee.  They  're  not  so  good. 
The  comedian  in  question  was  a  very 
agile  dancer  and  was  also  good-looking. 
Other  men  might  not  attract  the 
public. 

The  Chairman.  Is  the  attraction  of 
the  public  essential  ? 

Mr.  Tummilee  (surprised).  Naturally. 
How  should  we  managers  live  other- 
wise? Besides,  when  a  great  war  is 
going  on  it 's  a  national  duty  to  try 
and  make  people  forget.  My  theatre, 


you  perhaps  are  not  aware,  is  a  favourite 
resort  for  wounded  soldiers,  who  are 
never  so  happy  as  when  they  are  there. 

The  Chairman.  Surely  all  that 
happiness  will  not  disappear  because 
this  one  performer  is  missing  ? 

Mr.  Tummilee.  Most  of  it.  He 's  the 
great  draw. 

The  Chairman.  Has  it  not  occurred 
to  you  that  the  country'  ought  to  come 
first  ? 

Mr.  Tummilee.  I  consider  I  'in  doing 
a  great  deal  for  the  country,  and  he  too, 
by  making  it  laugh. 

The  Chairman.  You  must  find  an 
older  funny  man  or  soon  we  may  all 
be  weeping. 

Application  refused. 

Mr.  Samuel  Bland  claimed  exemption 
on  the  ground  that  he  disapproved  of 
war  and  physical  force. 

The  Chairman.  What  would  you  do 
if  you  caught  a  burglar  in  your  house  ? 

Applicant.  I  should  lock  him  in  and 
call  for  the  police. 

The  Chairman.  Then  you  don't  mind 
relying  on  the  physical  force  of  others 
for  your  own  protection  ? 

Applicant.  That  is  part  of  the  ma- 
chinery of  civilisation. 

The  Chairman.  So,  I  fear,  is  an  army. 
Do  you  pay  your  taxes  ? 

Applicant.  Yes. 

The  Chairman.  Why  ? 

The  Applicant.  Because  there  is 
Scriptural  warrant  for  it. 

The  Chairman.  But  you  know  that 
a  large  part  of  them  goes  to  maintain 
our  fighting  men.  Without  money  we 
should  have  to  give  in. 

Applicant.  I  obey  the  law.  I  don't 
necessarily  know  where  the  money  is 
going. 

The  Chairman.  Your  position  is  very 
illogical.  Either  you  should  take  your 
part  in  defending  your  country  or  obey 
your  conscience  and  either  go  to  prison 
for  refusing  to  pay  taxes  for  the  carry- 
ing-on of  the  War,  or  emigrate  to  some 
place  more  like  Utopia  than  this  is.  As 
it  is  you  take  advantage  of  other  men's 
readiness  to  fight  and  even  to  die  for 
you,  and  actually  pay  them  to  do  so,  but 
raise  conscientious  objections  to  doing 
either  for  yourself.  A  conscience  that  is 
so  adaptable  is  not  worth  considering. 

Application  refused. 

Harry  Cadgsmith,  who  said  he  was 
a  picture-palace  proprietor,  applied  for 
exemption  for  the  commissionaire  who 
stood  outside  the  building  and  invited 
people  in. 

27ie  Chairman.  How  old  is  he? 

Mr.  Cadgsmith.  Thirty-four. 

The  Chairman.  Is  he  strong? 

Mr.  Cadgsmith.  Very.  He  is  also 
highly  trained ;  he  wears  uniform  and 
calls  out  the  attractions.  The  cinema 
is  one  of  the  principal  alleviations  of 


modern  life  and  but  for  this  man's 
powerful  voice  many  people  might  pass 
by  and  never  enter. 

The  Chairman.  What  kind  of  pictures 
do  you  show  ? 

Mr.  Cadgsmith.  The  best. 

The  Chairman.  Are  they  English? 

Mr.  Cadgsmith.  Some  are.  But  the 
public  prefer  American  ones.  I  always 
pride  myself  on  giving  the  public  what 
it  has  the  sense  to  want. 

The  Chairman.  Might  it  not  be 
better  employed  elsewhere  ?  Making 
munitions,  for  example  ? 

Mr.  Cadgsmith.  That  is  nothing  to 
do  with  me.  My  business  is  to  supply 
a  demand. 

The  Chairman.  What  is  your  chief 
film  this  week  ? 

Mr.  Cadgsmith.  It  is  a  very  fine 
story  entitled  "The  Prince  of  Crooks." 

The  Chairman.  Could  not  a  woman 
take  this  man's  place  ? 

Mr.  Cadgsmith.  Not  to  do  it  justice. 

Application  refused. 


SUAVE  MABI  MAG  NO. 

(Neiv  Style). 
'Tis  sweet,  so  sage  LUCUETIUS  wrote  of 

yore, 
To  watch  a  storm-tossed  vessel  from 

the  shore, 
Or  safely  placed,  when  hosts  in  conflict 

close, 

To  view  the  battle  as  it  ebbs  and  flows  ; 
But  he,  poor  ancient,  never  knew  the 

rare 

Delight  afforded  by  an  easy-chair, 
Wherein   the   slippered    critic,    at    his 

ease, 

His  ample  writing-pad  upon  his  knees, 
Primed  with  historic  and  romantic  lore, 
Indites  his  weekly  comment  on  the 

War; 

Revises  or  expands  official  news 
With  graphic  touches  and  resplendent 

hues ; 
Teaches  the  doubtful  battle  where  to 

rage 

And  sprinkles  diagrams  on  ov'ry  page; 
Creates  new  posts  or,  at  his  own  sweet 

will, 

Proceeds  expected  vacancies  to  fill ; 
Deposes  Kings,  Prime  Ministers,  Grand 

Dukes, 

And  rival  pundits  suitably  rebukes. 
A  hundred  thousand  readers  every  week 
For  solace  in  his  commentaries  seek, 
Swear  by  his. arguments,  and  swear  at 

those 

Which  rival  quidnuncs  artfully  oppose. 
Matched  with  an  occupation  such  as 

this 

Philosophy  is  destitute  of  bliss  ; 
He  only  breathes  content's  untroubled 

air 

Who  wages  warfare  from  a  snug  arm- 
chair. 


1,  1916.]  PUNCH,   Oil   TIIK    LONDON    <  'IIAIM  VA  III. 


101 


R.N.  Cadet  (during  his  first  term  at  Osborne—irhere  he  Jias  been  told  always  to  salute  his  superior  officers  of  both  services — meeting 
" triii/iorary "  subalterns  who  disregard  his  salute).  "REALLY,  MOTHER,  IP  THESE  TEMPOHABY  SUBS  OP  THK   JUNIOR  SERVICE  CANNOT 

BEHAVE   AS   GENTLEMEN   AND   RETURN   MY    SALUTE,    I   SHALL  CERTAINLY  GIVE   UP  TAKING   ANY   NOTICE   OP   THEM." 


GOOD  OPENINGS  FOE  M.P.'s. 

The  Manchester  Guardian  complains 
that  there  is  a  remarkable  monotony 
about  the  opening  of  speeches  in  the 
House  of  Commons. 

"  On  Wednesday  forty-five  speeches 
(not  counting  brief  efforts  in  the  way 
of  interjections)  were  delivered,  and  in 
thirty  cases  the  speeches  began  with 
the  first  person  singular.  Only  fifteen 
members  could  think  of  anything  more 
original."  It  appears  that  four  speeches 
began  with  "  I  beg,"  four  with  "  I 
should  like,"  three  with  "  I  wish,"  and 
three  with  "I  am  sure." 

It  may  be  a  little  daring,  perhaps,  to 
suggest  that  some  originality  should 
be  introduced  into  the  methods  of  Par- 
liamentary orators  (writes  a  corre- 
spondent) ;  but  as  one  whose  courage 
has  never  failed  him  in  telling  other 
people  how  to  go  about  their  business 
I  venture  to  suggest  a  few  openings 
which  possibly  have  never  yet  been 
utilised. 

As  it  is  half  the  battle,  to  the  speaker, 
to  grip  interest  at  the  very  outset,  the 
following  might  be  tried  :  "  Drip,  drip 


(drip — the  blood  fell  from  the  ceiling." 
This  would  cause  departing  Members 
to  drop  sharply  back  into  their  seats. . 
Only  a  little  ingenuity  would  be  re-  j 
quired  to  make  these  words  the  opening 
of  a  speech  on  any  timely  topic. 

Our  aristocratic  legislators  could  make 
certain  of  arresting  attention  by  begin- 
ning, "In  the  words  of  a  friend  of  mine, 
a  well-known  Peckham  butcher — 
another  gambit  that  could  be  made  to 
suit  any  subject,  from  the  shipping 
problem  to  the  Zeppelin  nuisance. 

Or  again,  "  The  missis  woke  me  up 
in   the  middle  of  last  Tuesday  night, 

and   said "     This   is   the   kind   of 

homely   touch   that   would    ensure    a 
sympathetic  hearing. 

Members  might  also  make  a  good 

start  with  "  'Twas  "  and  "  Methiuks," 

even  at  the  risk  of  being  accused  of  the 

use  of  unparliamentary  expressions. 

If  they  would  only  study  the  poets 

I  they  would  find  plenty  of  bright  and 
original  openings.  What  better  could 
be  desired  than  BROWNING'S 

"  So,  at  home,  the  sick  tall  yellow  Duchess 
\Vas  left  with  the  infant  in  her  clutches,"  I 

if  occasion  should  arise  in  the  House  j 


for  criticism  of  the  heartless  action  of  a 
Local  Tribunal  in  disallowing  a  Duke's 
claim  for  exemption  ? 

Many  a  man  possesses  an  undis- 
covered knack  of  extempore  rhyming, 
a  gift  which  has  seldom  or  never  been 
exercised  in  the  House  of  Commons.  • 
That  will  be  a  bright  day  for  legislators 
when  a  Member  rises  in  his  place  and 
begins  something  like  this :  "  Sir,  if 
the  House  will  bear  with  me  one 
moment,  I  should  like  to  say  that  I, 
for  one,  cannot  agree  that  we  have 
found  the  perfect  way  of  dealing  with 
a  gross  neglect  to  which  all  honest 
men  object."  Any  Member  who  could 
keep  up  that  sort  of  tiling  for  half-an- 
hour  (and  some,  no  doubt,  could,  if  they 
would  only  practise)  would  achieve 
lusting  fame,  not  only  for  his  originality, 
but  because  of  the  remarkable  scenes 
amid  which  his  concluding  lines  would 
almost  certainly  be  uttered. 


'•  The  Germans  planned  to  expel  the  British 
from  South  Africa,  aided  by  disinfected  Boers." 
Englishman  (Calcutta). 

But,  in  the  end,  it  was  General  BOTHA 
who  cleared  out  the  Germs. 


152 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH    1,    1916. 


"114— 


Mabel  (after  Sunday  tea,  mi  departure  of  officers  quartered  in  tlie  neiglibourJiaod). 

AS   I'M  NOT  LOOKING  MY   OLDEST  TO-DAY." 


;  I  'M  GLAD  CAPTAIN  DEVEKEUX  DIDN'T  COME, 


MY   DUG-OUT. 

(A  Memory  of  Gallipoli.) 

IT  was  my  home,  not  ringed  with  roses  blowing, 
Nor  set  in  meadows  where  cool  waters  croon  ; 
Parched  wastes  were  round  it,  and  no  shade  was  going, 

Nor  breath  of  violets  nor  song-birds'  tune ; 
Only  at  times  from  the  adjacent  dwelling 
Came  down  with  Boreas  the  quaint,  compelling 
Scent  of  the  Tenth  Platoon. 

And  there  not  hermit-like  alone  I  brooded, 
But  ant  and  lizard  and  all  things  that  crawl 

With  great  grasshoppers  by  brigades  intruded  ; 
Therein  the  tortoise  had  his  homely  stall ; 

Green  Hies  and  blue  slept  nightly  in  their  notches, 

Save  when  a  serpent,  in  the  middle  watches, 
Came  and  disturbed  us  all. 

There,  where  the  sun,  the  senseless  sun,  kept  pouring, 
And  dust-clouds  smothered  one  about  the  chest, 

While  secret  waters  filtered  through  the  flooring 
(In  case  the  heat  should  leave  one  too  oppressed), 

Always  I  lay  in  those  sad  fevered  seasons 

Which  Red-Hat  humourists,  for  mystic  reasons, 
Eegarded  as  our  "rest." 

For  it  was  home ;  and  when  I  was  not  in  it, 
But  in  the  trenches,  it  was  home  indeed ; 

When  mad  foes  fired  at  twenty  rounds  a  minute 
(Not,  I  may  say,  the  regulation  speed), 

For  me  far  more  it  harboured  my  Penates  ; 

I  missed  my  animals  ;  I  missed  my  gay  teas 
With  Alf,  the  centipede. 


And  I  am  shocked  to  think  that  that  same  ceiling 
Shields  now  some  Mussulman  of  lowly  strain ; 

Yet,  though  he  knows  me  not,  I  can't  help  feeling 
That  something  of  my  spirit  must  remain, 

And  if,  in  that  rich  air  the  man  should  mellow 

In  mind,  in  soul,  and  be  a  better  fellow, 
I  have  not  lived  in  vain. 

And  it  may  be,  when  worlds  have  ceased  to  wrestle, 
I  shall  go  back  across  the  Midland  foam 

At  special  rates  in  some  large  tourist  vessel 
To  my  late  hollow  in  the  SULTAN'S  loam, 

And  there  clasp  hands  with  that  uplifted  warrior, 

Compare  brief  notes  and  wonder  which  was  sorrier 
To  have  to  call  it  home. 


How  to  treat  a  Wife. 
Extract  from  lecture  by  N.C.O. : — 

"Your  rifle  is  your  best  friend,  take  every  care  of  it;  treat  it  as 
you  would  your  wife,  rub  it  all  over  with  an  oily  rag  every  day." 


"The  court  was  crowded  by  Gaelic  Leaguers  and  the  proceedings 
were  marked  by  some  disorderly  scenes,  until  the  magistrates  ordered 
their  continuance." — Dublin  Evening  Mail. 

Then,  of  course,  being  in  Ireland,  they  ceased. 


A  Provincial  Paper,  reporting  a  speech  upon  heroes  of 
the  present  War,  represents  the  speaker  as  referring  to 
"Bill  Adams  in  Leigh  Hunt's  poem."  This  is  the  first  time 
within  our  knowledge  that  our  old  friend  Abou  Ben  Adhcm 
has  been  confounded  with  that  other  popular  figure,  the 
fictitious  hero  of  Waterloo ! 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI.— MAHCH  1,  1910. 


THE   NEW   FEIOHTFULNESS. 


I     LIKE    TO    THINK    THAT,     UNDER 


AI.MIUAL  vox  TIIU-ITZ.   "PIRACY    IS    DEAD.       STILL, 
ANOTHER    NAME,    THE    GOOD    WORK    GOES    ON." 

[Berlin  contends  that,  piracy  being  extinct,  the  arming  of  liners  and  merchant  vessels  is  no  longer  legitimate, 
submarines  arc  therefore  entitled  to  sink  them  at  sight.     The  New  Frightfulness  is  due  to  begin  to-day.] 


and  that  German 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHAK1VAIM. 


[MARCH    1,    1916. 


A   STRONG   SOUTH-EASTER. 

I  HAVK  been  having  further  trouble 
with  my  neighbour,  Petherton,  whose 
place  adjoins  mine,  being  divided  from 
it  by  a  hedge.  Beyond  the  hedge  lies 
Petherton's  small  paddock,  where  his 
poultry  amuse  themselves,  and,  beyond 
that,  Petherton's  house  and  garden. 

But,  however  good  a  fence  may  bp,  it 
will  not  keep  out,  or  keep  in,  smells. 
Therefore  when  Petherton  engaged  in 
apparently  chemical  operations  giving 
off  the  most  noxious  gases  I  was 
rapidly  forced  to  the  conclusion  that 
he  ought  to  have  a  different  kind  of 
boundary  between  his  property  and 
mine,  and  also  that  the  air  of  our 
neighbourhood  no  longer  rivalled  that 
of  Bexhill,  especially  when  the  wind 
blew  from  the  south-east. 

Wishing  to  remedy  this  state  of 
affairs  without  recourse  to  unpleasant 
measures,  I  sat  down  to  write  to 
Petherton. 

DEAR  PETHKRTOX, — These  continual 
south-easterly  winds  portend  rain,  I 
fear,  and  so  I  hope  you  have  wrapped 
your  parsnips  up  to  protect  them  from 
the  probable  excess  of  moisture  which 
is  so  injurious  to  all  such  plants. 

My  primary  object  in  writing  is  not 
so  much  anxiety  about  the  health  of 
your  vegetables,  but  to  ask  whether 
you  have  noticed  a  most  unpleasant 
odour  which  seems  to  be  heading  north- 
west ;  at  any  rate  it  is  more  unpleasant 
if  possible  when  the  wind  is  from  the 
south-east  than  at  any  other  time. 

It  does  not  appear  likely  that  the 
smell  should  have  come  from  the 
German  lines,  so  we  must  look  nearer 
home  for  the  cause  of  the  trouble. 
Don't  you  think  we  ought  to  take  joint 
action  to  get  the  nuisance  ended  ? 

Yours,         H.  J.  FORDYCE. 

Petherton's  reply  was  a  bulky  packet 
which,  being  opened,  revealed  a  tin  of 
dog  soap.  I  could  only  infer  that  he 
wished  to  saddle  Togo,  our  prize-bred 
Airedale,  with  the  blame.  Coward ! 

However,  true  to  my  determination 
to  be  friendly  if  possible,  I  wrote  : — 

DEAR  FRED, — ThanksfortheCamem- 
bert.  Thomas  our  cat  has  not  quite 
completed  the  Moonlight  Sonata  which 
he  has  spent  several  nights  in  com- 
posing, but  as  soon  as  it  is  published  I 
will  send  you  a  copy  of  it  in  return. 

My  nephew,  over  from  France  on 
short  leave,  came  to  see  us  yesterday 
but  left  hurriedly.  He  said  that  the 
air  was  too  reminiscent  of  a  place 
where  he  was  severely  gassed.  Don't 
you  notice  anything  ? 

Yours  as  ever,        II.  J.  FORDYCE. 

Within  an  hour  of  the  delivery  of 
this  letter  another  parcel  arrived  from 


Petherton.    It  contained  three  ordinary 
clothes-pegs   and  a  brief  note,   which 


SIR, — I  thought  even  you  would  lie 
able  to  take  the  hint  contained  in  my 
previous  parcel.  As  however  it  was 
evidently  lost  on  you,  I  am  writing  to 
suggest  to  you  more  plainly  that  you 
should  wash  your  dog.  I  noticed  its 
deplorable  condition  when  I  passed  it 
in  the  road  the  other  morning,  and  am 
surprised  that  the  simple  explanation 
of  the  trouble  lias  not  occurred  to  you 
before. 

Should  the  course  I  recommend  have 
no  good  effect,  I  can  only  suggest  your 
shooting,  selling  or  otherwise  disposing 
of  the  malodorous  pest,  or  else  wearing 
one  of  the  protectors  of  which  I  enclose 
three.  They  are  somewhat  archaic  in 
design,  but  should  just  suit  you  and 
your  household. 

Yours  faithfully, 

FREDERICK  PETHERTON. 

I  replied : — 

GOOD  OLD  FREDDIE, — What  a  genius 
you  are!  Of  course  the  dog  is  the 
culprit.  I  was  offered  fifteen  pounds 
for  him  the  other  day  and  refused  it. 
No  doubt  I  should  have  received  a 
better  offer  but  for  the  defect,  which 
you  so  readily  noticed,  in  the  animal's 
condition.  I  have  just  had  him  sham- 
pooed and  when  he  is  dry  I  will  examine 
him  and  report  to  you  at  once. 

Many  thanks  for  the  charming  nose- 
protectors,  which  however  I  return,  as 
they  are  all  too  large.  I  wonder  if  you 
would  mind  changing  them  for  sevens ; 
these  appear  to  be  eight-and-a-halfs. 

I  am  glad  the  wind  has  veered  to 
the  north-east.  Your  parsnips  will  no 
doubt  share  my  joy.  By  the  way  was 
it  you  I  saw  yesterday  in  your  paddock 
holding  your  nose  just  before  the  wind 
shifted  round  ?  The  man,  whoever  it 
was,  was  looking  at  your  poultry, 
which  appear  to  be  drooping. 

Yours  till  the  wind  changes, 

II.  J.  FORDYCE. 

P.S. — If  I  can  get  a  good  stamp- 
album  in  town  to-day  I  will  send  it  to 
you.  A  change  of  hobby  is  often  very 
beneficial. 

I  followed  this  up  with  another 
letter  in  the  afternoon,  couched  in 
more  formal  terms  : — 

SIR, — In  fulfilment  of  the  promise 
contained  in  my  previous  letter  of  to- 
day's date  I  have  the  honour  to  inform 
you  that  my  dog  Togo  is  not  the  cause 
of  the  trouble.  As  soon  as  he  was  dry 
I  fastened  him  up  in  the  middle  of  my 
drawing-room,  and  my  household,  my- 
self included,  sniffed  at  him  from  all 
points  of  the  compass.  Then,  leaving 
him  still  chained  up,  we  went  into  the 


garden  and  nearly  fainted  from  the 
pestilential  odours  borne  on  the  breeze, 
which  was  again  south-east. 

If  you  have  not  suffered  it  seems 
clear  to  me  that  either  («)  you  have  a 
curious  taste  in  scents,  or  (b)  you  have 
no  sense  of  smell.  I  think  you  should 
call  in  an  expert,  in  the  case  of  (a)  a 
brain  specialist,  or  in  the  case  of  (b)  a 
nose  -  plumber.  In  the  meantime  I 
intend  to  consult  another  sort  of  expert, 
the  Sanitary  Inspector. 

Yours  obediently,  except  in  such  a 
matter  as  this,  II.  J.  FORDYCE. 

I  wrote  to  the  Inspector  that  night 
and  received  the  following  within 
twenty-four  hours : — 

DEAR  SIR, — Yours  of  yesterday's  date 
to  hand,  and  in  reply  I  regret  that  I  am 
unable  to  assist  you  in  the  matter  as 
your  neighbour,  Mr.  Petherton,  is  en- 
gaged 011  important  experimental  work 
'for  the  Government  in  connection  with 
the  manufacture  of  asphyxiating  gases, 
thus  causing  the  unpleasant  odours 
about  which  I  have  received  several 
complaints  recently.  I  have  been  in 
communication  with  Mr.  Petherton  on 
the  matter,  but  he  seems  unable  to 
abate  the  nuisance.  I  am  surprised 
that  he  has  not  explained  the  position 
to  you  himself. 

I  remain,    Yours  obediently, 

M.  TARBUTT. 
pp.  A.  C. 

On  receiving  the  above  I  wrote  to 
Petherton : — 

DEAR  FKED, — Only  a  few  words  to 
say  that  I  have  just  heard  the  great 
news.  Heartiest  congratters.  As  a 
strafe-scent-manufacturer  you  are  IT. 
A  has  les  Bochcs  ! 

But  why  so  close  about  it  all  this 
time':1  If  you  had  only  let  me  know 
about  it  sooner  I  would  have  dug  a 
trench  in  my  garden  and  slept  in  it,  in- 
stead of  complaining.  Henceforth  I 
shall  turn  my  nose  (well  respirated)  to 
the  south-east  every  morning  as  an  act 
of  homage. 

Give  it  'em  hot,  old  man  ;  don't  mind 
us ;  we  love  it  now.  When  you  get 
stuck  for  any  fresh  ingredients  refer  to 
Macbeth,  Act  4,  Scene  1,  though  I 
should  be  inclined  to  think  you  have 
done  this  already. 

Yours  gratefully,  H.  J.  FORDYCE. 

So  far  I  have  received  no  reply  from 
Petherton.  In  the  circumstances  I  ex- 
cuse his  apparent  hauteur. 


"Ships  that  pass  in  the  Night." 
"  A  large  number  of  our  kinsmen  from  over 
the  seas  were  unmarried,  aud  he  would  like  to 
see  for  every  shipload  of  them  that  came  over 
a  shipload  of  women  from  this  country  scut 
out  to  be  mated  to  them." — Daily  Paper. 
It  looks  as  if  it  might  be  stalemate. 


MAIM-H  1,  1916.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


155 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 

Monday,  Fi-lirnary  list. — Although 
d<;  i/iinimis  non  curat  lex,  our  law- 
makers delight  in  very  small  jokes. 
When  Mr.  CKCIL  BECK,  as  Vice-Cham- 
berlain of  the  Household,  delivered  His 
MAJESTY'S  reply  to  the  Address  the 
House  of  Commons  was  chiefly  inter- 
ested in  watching  how  ho  would  accom- 
plish the  feat  of  walking  backwards 
from  the  Table  to  the  Bar.  More  than 
once  in  past  history  the  task  has  proved 
too  much  for  the  man  who  essayed  it, 
and  the  orderly  retreat  has  degenerated 
into  a  shambling  rout.  But  there  was 
no  such  hitch  to-day.  Progressive 
politician  though  he  is,  Mr.  BECK  re- 
traced his  steps  with  graceful  ease, 
and  fully  deserved  the  applause  that 
rewarded  his  effort. 

Irreverent  opponents  of  the  PRIME 
MINISTER  have  sometimes  compared 
him  to  Micawber,  on  the  ground  that 
he  was  always  waiting  for  something 
to  turn  up.  I  found  another  link  to-day 
between  these  celebrated  characters. 
As  Mr.  ASQUITH  unfolded  the  details  of 
the  two  new  Votes  of  Credit,  one  of 
120  millions  to  clear  up  the  present 
financial  year,  the  other  of  300  millions 
to  start  the  new  one,  he  reminded  me 
of  Micawber  calculating  his  indebted- 
ness to  Traddles.  While  professing  a 
proper  alarm  at  the  colossal  amount  of 
the  expenditure — nearly  two  thousand 
millions  already,  or  twice  the  cost  of 
the  twenty-two  years'  war  against 
NAPOLEON  —  ho  rolled  these  gigantic 
figures  off  his  tongue  as  if  he  loved 
them.  You  will  remember  Copperfield' s 
remark  when  the  famous  I.O.U.  had 
been  handed  over :  "  I  am  persuaded 
not  only  that  this  was  quite  the  same 
to  Mr.  Micawber  as  paying  the  money, 
but  that  Traddles  himself  hardly  knew 
the  difference  until  he  had  had  time 
to  think  about  it."  The 
PRIME  MINISTER'S  financial 
optimism  left  the  House 
under  much  the  same  im- 
pression, and  Mr.  McKENNA 
rather  deepened  it  by  the 
declaration  that  with  pru- 
dence and  statesmanship 
our  credit  would  survive  the 
War  however  long  it  might 
last . 

Tuesday,  February  22nd. 
— For  nearly  ten  years,  wit  li- 
mit a  break,  Mr.  GHORGK 
LAMKEKT,  Yeoman,  as  the 
reference  -  books  describe 
him,  sat  on  the  Treasury 
Bench  as  Civil  Lord  of  the 
Admiralty.  Then  the  Coali-  -ss^ 
tion  came  along  and  his 
place  knew  him  no  more. 
For  eight  long  months  he 


has  yearned  to  let  the  new  Administra- 
tion know  what  he  thought  of  them, 
and  to-day  ho  seized  the  opportunity 
furnished  by  the  Vote  on  Account. 

Beginning  with  a  moving  tale  of 
how  the  War  Office  took  several  weeks 
and  a  traction  engine  to  move  a  load 
of  hay  two  miles  from  a  rick  to  a 


FINANCIAL  OPTIMISM. 
MR.  MICAWBER  ASQCITH. 

railway  station  in  his  native  Devon, 
the  Yeoman  proceeded  with  other 
counts  of  his  indictment.  The  PRIME 
MINISTER  mentioned  yesterday  a  new 
plan  by  which  an  outside  Committee, 
composed  of  business  men  and  headed 
by  a  Cabinet  Minister,  was  checking 
the  expenditure  of  the  Service  Depart- 
ments. (The  cost  of  shells,  we  were 
told  to-day  by  Dr.  ADDISON,  has  been 
brought  down  to  a  figure  which  means 


NEW  DEPARTURES  BY  SEA  AND  AIR. 
LORD  ROBERT  CECIL  AN-D  LORD  DERBY. 


an  economy  of  £400,000  a  week  on  our 
future  production.) 

But  Mr.  LAMHKKT  would  have  none 
of  it.  Speaking  with  all  the  authority 
of  his  long  official  experience  he  laid 
down  the  dictum  that  one  Cabinet 
Minister  could  not  supervise  another. 
Next  he  attacked  the  new  Order  in 
Council,  which  makes  the  Chief  of  the 
Staff  responsible  for  the  orders  given  to 
the  Army,  declaring  that  it  reduced 
Lord  KITCHENER  to  the  level  of  a 
civilian  ;  and  finally  he  denounced  the 
Government  for  not  making  more  use 
of  Lord  FISHER.  Under  the  stress  of 
these  terrific  blows  the  Government 
ought  to  have  reeled,  if  it  did  not  fall. 
But  nothing  happened,  except  that  the 
Votes  on  Account  for  four  hundred  and 
twenty  millions  were  by  half -past  seven 
duly  passed. 

In  the  Lords  meanwhile  the  Govern- 
ment was  sustaining  a  heavier  attack, 
arising  out  of  their  failure  to  stop  all 
supplies  from  reaching  Germany.  Lord 
SYDENHAM  attributed  it  to  the  Declara- 
tion of  London,  which  had  crippled  the 
Navy ;  Lord  BERESFORD  thought  it 
was  the  result  of  trying  to  run  a  war 
with  a  Cabinet  that  included  twenty- 
one  amateurs.  Lord  LANSDOWNE,  a 
master  of  the  quip  modest,  thereupon 
stated  the  Government's  intention  to 
add  a  twenty-second  to  the  twenty-one 
by  appointing  a  Minister  of  Blockade. 
Wednesday,  February  23rd.  —  At 
Question-time,  Mr.  ASQUITH  announced 
that  the  new  Minister  was  Lord  ROBERT 
CECIL.  It  is  close  upon  fifty  years  since 
another  Lord  ROBERT  CECIL  (who  had 
just  become  Lord  CRANBORNE)  entered 
the  Cabinet  of  Lord  DERBY. 

In  consequence  of  the  recent  decision 
that  no  Member  shall  in  future  receive 
two  salaries  it  had  been  rumoured 
that  Parliamentary  salaries  would  be 
abolished  altogether.  There  were  signs 
of  heartfelt  relief  from 
various  quarters  of  the 
House  when  the  PREMIER 
met  the  suggestion  with  an 
uncompromising  "No." 

Captain  5.  S.  RANKINE, 
the  khaki-clad  giant  who 
took  his  seat  for  East  Tox- 
teth  to-day,  had  a  warm 
reception,  all  the  more 
grateful  in  view  of  the  bliz- 
zard that  raged  without. 
The  temperature  of  the 
House  fell  rapidly,  however, 
__.  when  Mr.  SNOWDEN  pro- 
ceeded to  outline  his  views 
on  the  subject  of  peace.  In 
vain  he  attempted  to  show- 
that  there  was  a  consider- 
able party  in  Germany 
ready  to  come  to  terms  if 
only  they  knew  what  our 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  1,  1916. 


Enmytd  Tommy  (bespattered  with  mud  by  sniper's  bullet  aimed  a  bit  too  low).  "  PUT  UP  YER  SIGHT,  YEB  CARELESS  BLIGHTER  !  " 


terms  were.  Members  listened  in  chilly  j 
silence.  They  thawed  into  laughter 
when  the  Hon.  Member  with  some 
lack  of  humour  quoted  the  German 
CHANCELLOR'S  declaration,  "  We  do  not 
threaten  small  nations;"  and  they 
cheered  when  he  quoted,  with  intent 
to  condemn,  Lord  ROSEBERY'S  state- 
ment that  Germany  must  be  utterly 
crushed.  Nor  was  the  House  more 
impressed  by  Mr.  TEEVELYAN'S  pro- 
posal that  as  there  might  be  a  peace-  j 
party  in  Germany  it  was  our  duty  to 
"  state  our  full  terms  and  find  out." 

The  PHIME  MINISTER'S  reply  was, 
I  fear,  very  painful  to  the  pacificists. 
The  German  CHANCELLOR'S  statement 
he  found  to  be  one  of  "  colossal  and 
shameless  audacity."  German  Social- 
ists might  prate  of  peace,  but  only 
twenty  out  of  five  times  that  number  in 
the  Reichstag  had  the  courage  to  vote 
against  the  War  Credit.  Our  terms 
were  already  on  record  in  the  speech 
which  he  made  at  the  LORD  MAYOR'S 
Banquet  in  1914.  Until  Belgium — 
"  and  I  will  add  Serbia  " —  has  been 
fully  reinstated,  until  France  is  secured 
against  aggression,  until  the  smaller 
nationalities  are  safeguarded,  until 
the  military  domination  of  Prussia  is 
destroyed,  "  not  until  then  shall  we  or 
any  of  our  gallant  Allies  abate  by  one 
jot  our  prosecution  of  this  War."  The 
cheers  that  greeted  this  declaration 


lasted  almost  as  long   as   the  speech , 
itself.      In    the    ensuing    debate    Mr. 
PONSONBY,  Sir  W.  BYLES,  and  one  ori 
two  others  emitted  what  Mr.  STANTON 
picturesquely  described  as  "  the  croak- 
ings  and  bleatings  of  the  fatted  lambs 
who  had  besmirched  theirown  country."  j 
But  they  created  no  effect.     Mr  SNOW-  I 
DEN'S  earlv  peace  had  been  nipped  by 
the  frost. 

Thursday,  February  "Mill. — 'In  both 
Houses  the  administration  of  the  Mili- 
tary Service  Act  was  again  the  subject 
of  criticism.  From  the  explanations 
given  by  Lord  NEWTON  and  Mr. 
TENNANT  it  appears  that  most  of  the 
complaints  against  the  recruiting  offi- 
cers for  over-pressure  have  come  from 
men  who  were  applying  for  armlets, 
not  for  exemption.  As  Lord  NEWTON 
put  it,  a  man,  if  he  wants  to  obtain 
an  armlet,  must  run  the  risk  of  being 
taken  for  some  kind  of  service.  Mr. 
TF.NXANT  reminded  some  of  his  critics, 
not  superfluously,  that  the  object  of 
this  Act  was  to  get  men  to  serve. 

Lord  DERHY,  fresh  from  his  triumph 
as  Director  of  Recruiting,  is  to  act  as 
Chairman  of  the  new  Joint  Committee 
which  will  supervise  and  co-ordinate 
naval  and  military  aviation.  For  him, 
as  for  that  other  Ariel,  "  there  's  more 
work."  The  same  is  now  true  of  Colonel 
LOCKWOOD  who,  since  the  opening  of 
the  Session,  has  been  in  a  condition 


of  suspended  animation.  The  Kitchen 
Committee,  in  the  opinion  of  many 
Members  the  most  important  of  all  the 
Committees,  had  not  been  set  up,  and 
consequently  could  not  elect  a  Chair- 
man. How  Members  have  lived 
through  more  than  a  week  without 
any  visible  means  of  securing  subsist- 
ence it  is  not  for  me  to  reveal.  Suflice 
it  to  say  that  no  case  of  absolute 
starvation  has  come  to  my  notice.  To- 
day all  is  well.  The  Kitchen  Com- 
mittee is  again  in  being,  and  "Uncle 
Mark  "  has  once  more  bean  appointed 
Minister  of  the  Interior  (unpaid,  except 
by  the  gratitude  and  affection  of  his 
fellow-Members).  Fresh  responsibili- 
ties have  now  been  thrust  upon  him. 
This  afternoon  it  fell  to  him,  as  tempo- 
rary Leader  of  the  Opposition,  to  ask 
the  customary  question  as  to  next 
week's  business.  Having  heard  the 
PRIME  MINISTER'S  reply,  he  sat  for  a 
few  moments  as  if  lost  in  thought,  cal- 
culating, no  doubt,  by  a  rapid  process 
of  mental  arithmetic  what  the  Consoli- 
dated Fund  Bill,  Supplementary  Esti- 
mates and  the  Civil  Service  Vote  would 
amount  to  in  terms  of  dinners,  teas 
and  other  light  refreshment*. 


On  a  bookseller's  stall  in  Liverpool: — 

"  The  English  Nation.    A  really  cheap  lot." 

We  find  them  most  expensive  to  keep  up. 


Mutcu  1,  1916.] 


PUNCH,   OR   TIIK    LONDON    CIIAUIVA1M. 


157 


Miatnta.  ••  ISN'T   IT   DUKADKLT,,   JANK,   ABOUT  TIIKSE    XEPPELISS?     IT  WOULDN'T  BE   so   WICKED   IF  THEY  ONLY   DESTROYED 

MIMTION    WORKS." 

Jane.  "  YER,  MUM.     BUT  THEY  'ADS'T  OUGFIT  TO  DO  THAT  NEITHER.     THEY  KSOWS  PUFFICKLY  WELL  AS  WE  WANTS  ALL  THE 

AMMl  NITIONS   AS   WE   CAN   GET." 


ON    THE    SPY-TRAIL. 

Jimmy  says  his  bloodhound  is  always 
very  glad  to  get  loose  after  being  tied 
up  all  night,  and  it's  because  HAH\I:V 
discovered  the  circulation  of  the  blood. 


Jimmy  says  there's  a  charwoman  in  j  know  that,  Jimmy  says,  and  when 
one  of  the  houses  on  Faithful's  beat,  Faithful  got  on  the  stage  and  began 
and  sometimes  you  can  hear  her  trying  j  clearing  the  decks  for  action  it  actually 
to  char  him,  and  then  lots  of  things  j  had  the  face  to  go  and  pick  up  a  worm 


como  out  through  the  front  door,  with 
Faithful  in  the  middle  of  them.    Some- 


Jimmy  says  Faithful  doesn't  know  he  times  you  don't  know  which  is  Faithful 
has  got  the  circulation  of  the  blood,  and  which  is  a  scrubbing- brush,  and 
but  ho  always  lias  a  little  run  round  it 's  because  of  the  revolution.  Jimmy 
when  ho  gets  free.  It  only  takes  him  :  says  if  Faithful  notices  that  anything 


about  live  minutes  to  do  his  round, 
and  an  hour  and  a-half  afterwards  you 
would  never  believe  he  had  l>een  round 

al  all,  things  are  so  quiet  again. 

Jimmy  says  the  man  next  door  told 


wants   doing 
always    tries 


on    his    way 
to    do   it,   even 


round    ho 
though 


nobody   knew   that   it   wanted   doing. 


that  came  out  of  one  of  the  pots  that 
fell  on  the  ground.  Jimmy  says  when- 
ever a  pot  rolled  off  the  stage  Faithful 
always  looked  over  the  edge  to  see  if  it 
had  arrived  safely.  He  is  always  care- 
ful like  that. 

Jimmy  says  the  sparrow  only  escaped 
by  the  skin  of  its  teeth,  because  just  as 
Faithful  had  got  everything  out  of  the 


Faithful  got  a  sparrow  out  of  a  green-   way  and  was  going  to  set  to  work  in 
house  like  that,  Jimmy  says.    It  was  a !  earnest,  the  sparrow  flew  out  and  went 


him    ho   didn't  mind   so  much  about 'cheeky  sparrow  and  kept  Hying  about   and  sat  up  in  a  tree  chirruping  like 
the   circulation    of    the    blood    as    the  I  at  Faithful  and  hiding  behind  the  pots   anything.    Faithful  was  absolutely  dis- 


at .  o  „ 

circulation  of  the  bloodhound.  Jimmy  j  on  the  stage.  Jimmy  says  bloodhounds 
hays  it 's  because  his  chickens  all  begin  j  don't  stand  any  nonsense  of  that  sort, 
shouting  Hooray!  as  soon  as  Faithful  j  and  the  sparrow  ought  to  have  known 
and  they  get  up  trees  to  watch  j  it.  But  it  kept  looking  round  flower- 


i  absolutely 
gusted  with  it,  Jimmy  says. 

Jimmy  took  his  bloodhound  out  to 
the  Hill  Farm  one  morning.  The 
farmer  was  very  glad  to  see  Faithful 


him  instead  of  being  busy  laying  eggs  pots   at    Faithful    and    chirruping    at  again,  Jimmy  says;  he  told  Jimmy  that 
at   twopence   each.      Faithful   doesn't  1  him  sideways,  and  didn't  realise  that  they 

-.  » J.     J.  1 .   ..  .  .          T*  I    •  j  1  •  C         1  i 


want  thorn  to  go  up  trees,  Jimmy  says, !  its  life  hung  by  a  thread, 
and  trios  to  make  thorn  come  down,  i  Jimmy  says  the  best  of  well-trained 
but  they  won't — not  on  any  account — [bloodhounds  is  that  they  never  get  flur- 
and  lie  has  to  leave  thorn  for  other  ried ;  they  go  about  their  work  system - 
things  that  require  his  attention.  atically.  The  sparrow  didn't  soem  to 


iey  were  going  to  cut  corn  and  there 
would  be  a  main  of  rabbits  in  them  for 
Jimmy  says  bloodhounds  have 


sure. 


to  turn  their  hands  to  anything  these 
days,  even  catching  rabbits.  Faithful 
didn't  seem  to  mind,  Jimmy  says,  but 


158 


PUNCH,   OK   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MAKOH  1,  1916. 


it  seemed  very  curious  to  hear  the  deep 
baying  of  a  bloodhound  in  a  peaceful ' 
cornfield.  Jimmy  says  it  made  the 
men  stop  work  and  look  at  each  other, 
and  the  man  who  was  driving  the  reap- 
ing-machine got  down  to  see  where  it 
wanted  oiling.  You  see  he  hadn't  heard 
a  bloodhound  before. 

There  was  another  dog  there,  Jimmy 
says,  in  case  the  rabbits  came  out  too 
quickly  for  Faithful  to  catch  them  all. 
The  first  rabbit  that  came  out  didn't 
have  any  chance,  Jimmy  says.  It  bolted 
out  as  hard  as  it  could,  and  there  was 
a  splendid  race  between  the  rabbit  and 
Faithful.  You  see  the  rabbit  was 
making  for  a  burrow  in  the  hedge,  but 
old  Faithful  got  there  first  and  tried  to 
get  his  head  down  it,  to  cut  off  the 
rabbit's  retreat.  Jimmy  says 
the  rabbit  was  nonplussed,  and 
the  other  dog  caught  it  easily. 
It  is  beautiful  to  see  two  dogs 
work  together  like  that,  Jimmy 
says. 

Jimmy  says  Faithful  didn't 
require  the  help  of  the  other 
dog  with  the  next  rabbit  that 
came  his  way,  but  the  other 
dog  was  very  impulsive.  You 
see  Faithful  was  lying  down 
with  his  mouth  open  trying  to 
look  like  a  rabbit  hole,  and  he 
did  it  so  well  that  the  rabbit 
came  straight  at  him.  Jimmy 
says  Faithful  swerved  about 
ten  yards  to  one  side  in  order 
to  hurl  himself  bodily  at  the 
rabbit,  and  he  would  havedone 
it  if  the  other  dog  hadn't  poked 
his  nose  in. 

Jimmy  says  the  other  dog 
killed  the  rabbit,  but  Faithful 
went  up  and  smelt  at  it  like 
anything.  Faithful  is  a  splendid  smeller, 
Jimmy  says.  He  can  retrieve  rabbits 
almost  as  well  as  he  can  catch  them.  ; 

The  farmer  was  surprised  to  see  how 
quickly  Faithful  got  off  the  mark  at 
the  sound  of  the  gun.  You  see  the 
farmer  was  standing  close  by  Faithful 
and  he  had  no  sooner  shot  at  a  rabbit 
than  away  went  Faithful  right  across 
two  fields,  retrieving  as  hard  as  he  could. 
Jimmy  had  to  fetch  him  back  from 
doing  it. 

Jimmy  says  it  was  a  new  experience 
for  the  men  to  have  a  trained  blood- 
hound in  the  harvest  field,  and  they 
could  talk  of  nothing  else  whilst  they 
were  having  their  dinners.  You  see 
two  of  the  men  had  mislaid  their 
dinners  somehow,  and  every  time  they 
looked  at  Faithful  they  kept  wondering. 
One  man  said  his  dinner  was  in  a 
pudding-basin,  and  he  looked  every- 
where. Faithful  did  his  best  to  help 
him,  Jimmy  says,  and  kept  just  two 
yards  ahead  of  him,  twisting  in  and  out. 


The  man  noticed  something  was 
the  matter  with  Faithful  and  advised 
Jimmy  to  have  his  neck  wrung :  he 
ottered  to  do  it  himself. 

Jimmy  says  the  man  scorned  very 
suspicious  because  Faithful  looked  so 
T.B.  (you  know  :  Totally  Bulged) ;  but 
Jimmy  took  up  Faithful  and  shook 
him  for  the  man  to  hear,  and  there 
wasn't  any  sound  of  broken  crockery 
at  all. 

The  other  man  who  had  lost  his  din- 
ner didn't  bother  to  look  for  it ;  he  was 
busy  cutting  a  stick  out  of  the  hedge, 
and  when  he  had  done  it  he  bor- 
rowed a  piece  of  bacon  from  another 
man  to  present  to  Faithful.  Jimmy 
says  you  do  it  by  saying,  "  Dear  little 
doggie,"  in  a  husky  voice.  Jimmy 


to  the  police.  The  policeman  told 
Jimmy  that  they  had  just  taken  the 
German  governess  away  to  the  police- 
station. 

Jimmy  says  that  when  he  got  home 
he  sat  down  and  looked  at  Faithful  for 
half-an-hour — just  looked  at  him.  To 
think  that  Faithful  had  been  on  the 
Spy  Trail  all  the  time  and  Jimmy  never 
knew  it !  ____^______ 

An  Incisive   Beginning. 

"Mr.  Gordon  Hewart,  opening  the  president 
of  the  London  Chamber  of  Commerce  ..." 
Tlw  Star. 

The  Hebdomadal  Council  of  Oxford 
University  have  suspended  for  six 
months  the  filling  of  the  Professorship 
of  Modern  Greek,  the  view  apparently 
being  that  there  is  no  one 
about  just  now  who  under- 
stands the  modern  Greek. 


Youthful  Patriot.  "TAKE   AWAY   THE   KIGHT-LIGHT,   MARY 

I'D  BATHER  RISK  THE  DARK  THAN  ATTRACT  A   ZEPPELIN." 


"  TheBivista  Marittima  publishes 
details  of  a  new  German  ironclad, 
which  is  claimed  to  be  totally  un- 
sinkable.  ...  It  is  said  to  be  a 
Dreadnought  -  cruiser,  fitted  with 
triple  skins  of  armour,  stuffed  with 
non-resistiug  material." — Times. 

It  sounds  like  one  of  our  con- 
scientious objectors. 


"The  albatross — its  docility  was 
charming — soon  occupied  a  splendid 
isolation  on  the  tarpaulined  covered 
hatchway  platform  ....  I  shall  in 
future  read  Keats'  'Ancient  Mariner  ' 
with  an  accentuated  interest." 

Natal  Witness. 

COLERIDGE'S  "  Ode  to  a  Night- 
ingale "  was  rejected  as  dealing 
with  the  wrong  bird. 


says  bloodhounds  don't  ,  like  husky 
voices,  they  get  on  their  nerves.  So 
Faithful  refused  the  bacon  as  hard  as 
he  could. 

Jimmy  says  he  knew  Faithful  would 
follow  him,  and  sure  enough,  when  he 
had  got  a  mile  on  his  way  home,  there 
was  Faithful  waiting  for  him,  holding 
the  pudding-basin  in  his  mouth  by  the 
cloth. 

Jimmy  says  when  he  got  home  there 
was  quite  a  crowd  round  the  house 
where  Faithful  had  removed  the  green- 
house from  off  the  sparrow.  A  police- 
man told  Jimmy  all  about  it.  It 
appeared,  so  the  policeman  said,  that 
some  person  or  persons  unknown  had 
got  to  know  that  the  people  in  the 
house  were  harbouring  a  German 
governess  and  had  smashed  up  the 
greenhouse  in  revenge.  The  greenhouse 
looked  as  if  it  had  been  struck  by  a 
bomb,  the  policeman  said,  and  when 
the  people  saw  it  they  knew  their 
secret  was  out  and  went  and  confessed 


"  YOUXG  Lady-Attendant  for  Allies' 
Rifle  Range,  to  replace  one  getting 
married;  the  3rd  in  12  months  doing  the 
same;  good  remuneration,  and  comfortable 
job." — Glasgow  Citizen. 

Bow  and  arrow  or  '303,  Cupid's  mark- 
manship  remains  unerring. 


"THE    MAN   WHO   DINED   AT   KP.VPP'S    AXD 

WORKED    WITH    THE    KAISEU." 

Morning  Paper  Heading. 
The  menu,  at  Knurr's  is  not  given,  but_ 
was  probably  some  form  of  pig. 


Another  Impending  Apology. 
"  SCOTCH   NURSES    IN    SERBIA. 
GERMAN    DOCTOR'S   IMPRESSIONS. 
'  VERY    FORBIDDING.'  " 

Egyptian  Gazette. 


From  a  notice  of  a  recent  novel : — 

"  The  present  reviewer's  pen  cleaves  to  tho 
roof  of  his  mouth  when  he  tries  to  describe 
it." — Evening  Standard. 

That  should  teacli  him  to  get  rid  of  the 
nasty  habit  of  sucking  the  nib. 


MAHCH  1,  191G.] 


ri:XCH,  OR   THK   LONDON   CIIARI VAKI. 


I.V.I 


MULE    HUMOUR. 


\HfJt 


"HE'S   KICKED  THE   ConrORAL  !  " 


"  HE  'S   KICKED  THE   VET.  !  I  " 


IX 


"HE'S   KICKED   THE   TBA.XSFORT   OFFICES  Ml" 


Y 


"HE'S  KICKK.D  Tin:  COLON  rr, !  !  !  :  ' 


KiO 


PUNCH,  OR  THH  LONDON  CHAIN V AIM. 


1,  1916. 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 
I  THINK  1  never  read  a  story  that  impressed  me  as  more 
untimely  than  this  to  which  Mr.  IVOR  BROWN  lias  given 
the  title  of  Hccuriti/  (SUCKER).'  It  is  about  an  Oxford  Don, 
one  John  (Inint,  who  became,  as  others  have  become,  irked 
by  the  placid  routine  of  Senior  Common-Boom  existence, 
and  yearned  for  adventure.  So  ho  came  to  London,  and 
got  his  first  dose  of  it  as  a  labour-Agitator  and  backer  of 
strikes.  I  suppose  that  the  atmosphere  of  labour-agitatin 


hookery-snidy,  trundle-trailed  king-crab,"  and  then  told  to 
kiss  her,  would  have  been  more  than  I  could  bear. 


I  feel  that  Miss  CONSTANCE  HOLME  will  be  the  first  to 
agree  with  me  on  reflection  that  as  a  beginning  of  a  chapter 
in  The  Old  lioad  from  Spt/in  (MiLLs)  the  following  will 
not  do :  "  The  long  bright  day  idled  interminably  to  its 
tryst  with  night.  Luis  ate  his  lonely  meals  in  the  silent 
room,"  etc.  It  illustrates  a  defect  of  her  rather  over-intense 
method.  She  would  readily  forgive  me  this  stricture  if  she 
could  know  the  eagerness  with  which  I  read  her  picturesque 


and  strike-backing  is  skilfully  conveyed  (that  of  Oxford  pages  to  find  out  exactly  what  was  the  matter  with  the 
donship  undoubtedly  is),  but  I  can't  tell  you  how  antique  |  Jlmldli-atons  of  Thorn.  From  a  Spanish  ancestor,  who 
it  all  seems.  These  scornful  quotations  from  an  imaginary  i  had  been  wrecked  with  the  Armada,  they  had  inherited  a 
Capitalist  press  and  the  fierce  denial  that  industrial  strife  !  CURSE.  It  was  a  very  original  curse,  and  I  dare  not 
was  ever  assisted  by  foreign  agencies  —  it  all  sounds  like  a  deprive  you  of  the  pleasure  of  finding  out  what  it  was  for 


voice  from  ancient  history.  One  rubs  one's  ears  at  it. 
Eventually  militant  Socialism  wearies  John  as  much  as 
academic  torpor  had  done,  and  to  escape  from  both  he 
marries  a  wife.  More  atmosphere,  this  time  of  a  dreary 
little  seaside  town  and  its  so-called  society.  But  John 
fares  no  better  here ;  and  at  last,  on  his  return  from  a 
walking  holiday,  he  finds  that 
Mrs.  John,  unable  to  put  up  -_ 
with  him  any  longer,  is  putting  '  ; 
up  without  him  at  a  London  i  : 
hotel  in  company  with  An- 
other. That  seems  a  situation 
insecure  enough  to  satisfy  the 
most  exacting.  But  even  from 
this  nothing  results,  and  hus- 
band and  wife  drift  together 
again.  I  like  to  think  that 
nowadays,  what  with  Zeps  and  !  " 
other  things,  poor  old  John  \ 
may  grow  really  contented. 
Meanwhile,  clever  as  it  is,  the 
tale  seems  oddly  anaemic  and 
unreal.  It  is  like  those  tragi- 
cally trivial  journals  of  1914 
that  still  survive  in  the  dusty 
waiting-rooms  of  dentists. 


WAIT  TILL  MARSH  2 


yourself.  Miss  HOLME  puts  in  her  background  of  mystery 
with  skilful  touches  and  handles  her  characterisation  with 
a  good  deal  more  subtlety  than  your  mere  mystery-monger 
can  command.  She  observes  both  men  and  things  with 
affection,  writes  of  them  with  imagination.  llowly  Jfuddln- 
ston,  tho  committee-ridden  squire  of  Thorn,  looks  like  a 

careful  portrait  from  life,  and 
probably  somebody  also  sat 
for  that  faithful  soul,  Cnun', 
the  butler.  A  book  to  be  com- 
mended. Its  defects  are  the 
defects  of  exuberance,  the  sort 
one  only  begins  to  notice  after 
one  has  said,  "  Hello  !  this  is 
pretty  good!  " 


WILL  YOU  MARCH  TOO 


OR 


"LOOK,  DEAR — ISN'T  THAT  GOOD? 
,    OB  WAIT  TILL  MARCH  THE  SECOND  '  ?  " 
don  t  suggest  that  Mr.  BROWN,  L 

whose  previous  book  I  much  admired,  should  write  about  rather  more  ease  than  imagination.    One  of  them,  my  own 


The  ii miter  (rlorij  (HoDDEB 
AND  STOUGHTON)  is  a  collection 
of   very    short    sketches    con- 
cerned with  the  War.     They 
are  a  little  unequal,  some  being 
better  than  others,  and  others 
(naturally)  being  worse   than 
some.     They  all  reveal   their 
1  author,  Miss  EVELYN  ORCHARD, 
WILL  YOU  MABCII  TOO,    i  ag  possessed   of   a  pleasantly 

unforced   style,    and   perhaps 


the  War;  but  I  could  wish  him  a  little  more  in  tune  with  favourite,  the  story  of  a  parson  who  enlisted,  is  conspicuous 
the  spirit  it  has  produced.  j  as  containing  so  admirable  a  recruiting  speech  that  I  can 

!  only   hope   it   is   transcribed  from  life.      Having   said  so 

Faith  Trcsilion  (WARD,  LOCK)  is  a  book  of  brave  and  of !  much,  perhaps  I  may  be  forgiven  by  Miss  ORCHARD  if  I 
some  diabolical  deeds,  but  as  Mr.  EDEN  PHILLPOTTS  sees  to  j  add  that  I  would  rather  have  read  her  upon  some  lighter 
it  that  his  murderers  and  wreckers  get  their  due  he  leaves  theme.  Her  tuneful  pipe  contains  some  very  pleasant 
me  with  the  hopeful  feeling  that  what  happened  to  super-  notes,  both  of  sentiment  and  humour,  but  is  altogether  too 
criminals  a  hundred  years  or  so  ago  will  also  be  their  fate  !  thin  for  variations  upon  so  tremendous  a  motive  as  she  has 
in  this  year  of  grace.  Faith  is  the  type  of  heroine  with  chosen.  I  express,  of  course,  only  my  personal  feeling;  but 
whom  readers  of  this  amazingly  industrious  author  are  1 1  am  certain  that  unless  a  book  can  rise  to  the  magnitude 
familiar — a  fearless  girl  who  does  a  man's  work  without  of  the  War  it  had  best  leave  it  alone.  Still  it  may  well  be 
for  a  moment  becoming  unsexed.  She  was  in  a  difficult  j  that  others  will  find  interest,  and  even  consolation,  in  these 
position  enough,  for  her  brother  was  a  smuggler  and  she  little  papers.  They  have  at  least  the  charm  of  simplicity, 
was  in  love,  head  to  heels,  with  the  local  ganger.  There  •  and  are  obviously  the  products  of  a  gentle  and  sympathetic  j 
are  other  complications,  but  this  is  the  chief  one,  and  it  is  nature.  Thus,  Miss  ORCHARD  can  still  see  the  pathos  of  j 
worked  out  in  Mr.  PHILLPOTTS'  best  West-country  manner,  the  German  private.  Well,  well. 
I  accept  Faith  and  salute  her,  but  it  is  before  her  mother 
that  I  completely  bow  the  knee.  Mrs.  Trcsilion  was  para- 
lysed up  to  her  waist,  which  was  just  as  well,  for  if  her 
activities  had  not  been  limited  she  would  have  swamped 
the  "whole  book.  As  it  was  she  lay  in  bed,  clrank  gin, 
directed  various  operations  with  her  eye  fixed  rather  upon 
this  world  than  the  next,  and  told  her  visitors  precisely 
what  she  thought  of  them.  I  am  thankful  not  to  have  met 
this  devastating  lady  in  the  flesh,  because  to  be  called  "  a 


A    PIOUS    HOPE. 

[Suggested  by  an  interview  between  M.  SAZOXOFF  and  Mr.  HAROLD 
BEGBIE  in  The  Daily  Chronicle.] 

THE  Russian  statesman,  HAROLD  BEGBIE  thinks, 
Is  a  good  egg  and  not  a  subtle  Sphinx ; 
Some  day  perhaps  he  will  a  better  egg  bo 
And  tell  us  frankly  what  he  thought  of  BEGBIE. 


PUNCH,  on  THK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


161 


CHARIVARIA. 

is  declared  to  liavo  built  a 
submarine  that  can  go  to  tlio  UniioJ 
;  and  hack.    Future  insults  there- 
fore will  1)6  delivered  by  hand. 


Municipal  fishshops  aro  to  be  estab- 
lished in  Germany.  They  will  be 
closely  associated,  it  is  understood, 
with  the  Overseas  News  Agency,  and 
will  make  a  speciality  of  supplying 
a  fish  diet  to  sailors  who  are  unfortu- 
n  al  ely  prevented  by  circumstances  from 
visiting  the  high  seas. 

In  his  lecture  before  the  Royal  Insti- 
tute last  week  Dr.  E.  G.  RUSSELL  told  j 
his  audience  that  there  are  80,000,000  '. 
micro-organisms  in  a  tablespoonful  of 
rich  cucumber  soil.     If  we  substitute 
German  casualties  for  micro-organisms  : 
and  deduct  the  average  monthly  wastage  j 
as  shown  by  the  private  lists  from  the 
admitted     official    total    of     available 
effectives — but  we  aro  treading  on  Mr. 
BELLOC'S  preserves. 

The  Government  has  announced 
itself  as  "satisfied  with  the  measures 
taken  to  prevent  Canadian  nickel  from 
reaching  the  Germans."  Except,  of 
course,  in  oblong  pellets  of  insignifi- 
cant size.  *  ;;: 

Answering  a  question  of  Sir  ARTHUR 
MAKKHAM  in  the  House  of  Commons 
last  week,  Mr.  TENNANT  said,  "  If 
there  was  a  large  force  of  troops  in 
Egypt,  as  to  which  it  is  undesirable 
that  I  should  make  any  statement,  it  is  | 
quite  conceivable  that  the  presence 
of  a  hundred  and  seventeen  Generals 
might  bs  necessary."  After  all,  if  every 
one  of  them  were  just  a  Brigadier- 
General,  they  wouldn't  require  more 
than  half-a-million  men  to  keep  them 
occupied.  $  ... 

*' 

Naval  inspectors  of  cookery,  it  is 
officially  announced,  will  hereafter  wear 
a  narrow  stripe  of  white  cloth  on  their 
cuff.  This  is  a  simplified  form  of  the1 
iincient  heraldic  emblem  of  the  cook's 
guild,  which  was  a  hair  frlzzt  naiant 

in  a  dish  of  soup  mai</rr. 
*  *' 

All  kinds  of  cleaning  and  washing  are 
to  be  dearer,  and  a  patriotic  movement 
is  already  on  foot  among  the  younger 
set  to  do  away  with  these  luxuries 
altogether  in  the  interests  of  patriotic 
economy.  ...  ... 

As  a  re\\  ard  of  its  efforts  to  save  the 
lives  of  war-horses,  the  R.S.P.C.A.  has 
now  been  officially  recognized  by  the 
A.V.C.  Some  hindrance  to  their 
work  is  however  feared  ;is  the  result 


THE    ROYAL    GONDOLIERS. 

WF.  UNDERSTAND  THAT  OUR  COURTEOUS   ALLIES   IN  VENICE   HAVE   OFFERED  TO   SUPPLY 
FLOATING   FACILITIES   FOR   OUR  TROOPS   IN  THE   FLOODF.D  TRENCHES   OF    FLANDKR-i. 


of  strong  protests  lodged  by  the 
Westphalian  Pie-makers'  Association 
of  Rotterdam,  which  the  Government, 
in  its  anxiety  not  to  deal  harshly 
with  neutrals,  is  said  to  be  carefully 
considering.  ...  ^ 

The  owners  of  certain  proprietary 
whiskeys  have  decided  to  put  them 
up  sixpence  a  bottle.  In  response  to 
this  move  the  owners  of  certain  pro- 
prietary sixpences  have  decided  not  to 
put  them  down. 


*  * 
* 


A  correspondent  of  The  Times  states 
that  large  numbers  of  Owls  have  taken 
to  visiting  the  trenches  in  Flanders. 
The  War  Office,  strangely  enough, 
professes  to  know  nothing  of  the 


circumstance. 


For  Conscientious  Objectors. 

"VARICOSE  VEINS. — We  stock  all  sizes,  in  ( 
best  quality  only." — Advt.  in  Irish  1'aprr. 

British  Frightfulness. 
' '  A  young  woman  was   fried  as  a  spy  i  i 
London  the  other  day." — Sunday  1'ictorial. 


A  Leap-Year  Reminder. 
"  February  29,  1916. — Last  day  for  single 
men." — Liverpool  Daily  I'ost. 


"We  .  .  .  are  no  haters  of  peace.  We 
want  it  more  than  anything  in  the  world — 
except  the  triumph  of  evil." — Stfir. 

"  A  fallen  star,"  we  fear. 

"  Mr.  Lloyd  George  said  that  Cabinet  Min- 
isters had  agreed  to  take  one-fourth  o£  their 
salaries  in  Exchequer  bombs." 

I'nii-iniiril  1'nper. 

The  times  call  for  strong  measures,  but 
wo  think  this  is  going  a  little  too  far. 


162 


PUNCH,  Oil   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  8,  1916. 


TEUTON    OVERTURES. 

AS    SEEN    THROUGH    TEUTON    EYES. 

THESE  English — who  can  know  their  ways? 
When,  Hushed  with  triumphs  large  and  many, 
We  condescend  with  tactful  signs 
To  hint  of  peace  on  generous  lines 
They  answer  in  a  flippant  phrase 
That  they're  "not  taking  any." 

When  from  our  conquering  High-Seas  Ark 
(Detained  at  home  by  stress  of  weather) 
We  loosed  the  emblematic  dove, 
Conveying  overtures  of  love, 
Back  came  the  bird  with  that  remark, 
Minus  its  best  tail  feather. 

They  said  they  never  wanted  war ; 
Yet,  when  we  talk  of  war's  abating, 
And  name  the  price  for  them  to  pay, 
They  have  the  curious  nerve  to  say 
That,  when  they  please,  and  not  hefcro, 
They  '11  do  their  own  dictating. 

How  can  you  deal  with  minds  so  slow, 
With  men  who  give  no  indication 
That  we  by  any  further  shock 
Into  their  heads  can  hope  to  knock 
Enough  intelligence  to  know 
That  they  're  a  beaten  nation  ? 

Odd  that  we  cannot  make  it  clear 
That  we  have  won  ;    and  even  odder 
That  other  markets  seem  to  jump, 
While  our  exchange  is  on  the  slump, 
And  everything  's  starvation-dear 

(Excepting  cannon-fodder).  O.  S. 


RECONSTRUCTION. 

IN  that  dim  happy  past,  the  Summer  of  1913,  I  first  saw 
him  idly  seated  in  a  deck-chair  on  the  firm  sands  of 

— ,  on  the  East  Coast.  A  quiet  detached  figure  amid  a 
crowd  of  joyous  children.  Hard  by  a  boy  and  girl  were 
building  a  moated  fo.rtress,  but,  alas  !  the  swiftly  incoming 
tide  eroded  its  foundations  until  the  frowning  battlements 
tottered  to  destruction. 

Turning,  the  children  faced  him.     He  smiled. 

"  D'  you  know  this  one,  Jacky  ?  "  ho  ventured. 

"  He 's  Dick,"  the  little  maid  protested,  "  and  I  'in  Betty." 

"Now  we're  introduced,  do  you  know  this  one?"  he 
asked  again. 

Straightaway  he  plunged  into  the  new  game,  moving 
back  to  where  a  smooth  stretch  of  sand  lay  invitingly. 
Immediately  two  minute  shapes  were  etched  with  his  stick 
on  its  surface. 

"What's  those?" 

"  Hairpins,  of  course !  You  always  start  with  hairpins. 
And  this,"  indicating  a  narrow  oblong,  "why,  this  must 
be  that  silver  tray  someone  's  always  leaving  her  hairpins 
lying  about  on.  Now  for  the  hair-brushes — two  of  those — 
(unerringly  symmetrical) — "then  the  comb — "  (equipped 
with  most  effective  sand-teeth) — "then  a  powder-box? 
Well,  a  very  little  one — 

As  fast  as  he  thought  of  them,  fresh  articles  (or  their 
symbols)  came  into  being.  There  was  no  pause.  "  The 
shoe-horn,  the  button-hook,  oh  !  and  a  clothes-brush " 

Immediately  following  the  last  hair  of  the  clothes-brush 
a  rectangle  put  in  an  appearance  around  these  assorted 
objects. 


"  Mummy's  dressing-table,"  asserted  Master  Dick  autho- 
ritatively. 

"  Sound  man  !  What  else  do  wo  want?  " 

The  children  suggested  alternately  and  in  chorus  the 
completion  of  the  plan.  An  armchair  with  cushions 
incredibly  soft,  a  fire-place  pokered  and  tongcd,  a  wardrobe 
(disproportionately  enormous),  two  colossal  hat-boxes,  and 
detail  after  detail,  with  finally  the  door,  the  key-hole  and 
the  key. 

*  *  #  #  *  *  # 

The  little  hamlet  somewhere  in  France  had  been 
shelled  spasmodically  for  months.  Possibly  there  was 
something  faintly  familiar  in  the  seated  figure  of  that 
Captain  of  Engineers  that  caught  my  eye ;  one  did  not 
often  come  across  Captains  of  Engineers  sitting  on  debris 
in  the  village  street.  He  squatted  on  a  pile  of  granular 
masonry  before  a  rudely  prepared  space  surrounded  by 
three  small  ragged  children  gazing  round-eyed  at  some- 
tiling  ho  was  drawing  with  half  a  Nilgiri  cane  in  the 
powdered  rubble.  I  paused  to  look,  and  there  arose  before 
me  the  picture  of  a  man  with  a  boy  and  girl  on  a  bygone 
day  in  happy  England. 

"  On  commence  avec  le  sol,"  ho  was  explaining  as  he 
indicated  the  shape  of  a  salt-cellar.  "Eh  b'en,  apres  c.a 
quat'  assiettes,  des  couteaux,  des  fourchettes —  All 

the  appurtenances  of  a  homely  table  were  quickly  put 
in.  "  Et  puis  la  table,  n'est-ce  pas?  Et  surtout  faut  pas 
Oliblier  quelqu'chose  a  manger,  eh,  Jeanne?  " 

"  Non,  monsieur."  But  the  little  girl  was  busy  pointing 
to  where  a  small  brown  bird  pecked  fruitlessly  in  the  dust. 
"  Eegardez,  dene,  le  p'tit  oiseau;  il  n'a  pas  mange,  c'lui  la." 

"Y  a  pas  grande  chose  a  manger;  les  Bodies,  vous 
savez,  ont  pass6  par  ici,"  added  one  of  the  two  boys  quite 
impersonally. 

The  Captain  of  Engineers  continued  quickly,  "  Maintenant 
il  faut  mettre  le — "  ho  paused  for  the  word — "  le — table- 
cloth." The  children  grasped  his  meaning  from  the 
comprehensive  gesture.  Rapidly  be  outlined  chairs,  a  de- 
lightful baby's  cradle,  a  clock  with  cuckoo  complete,  a  fire- 
place, until  at  length  a  complete  pictorial  inventory  had 
been  made  of  the  contents  of  the  living-room  of  just  such 
a  cottage  as  had  obviously  been  buried  beneath  the 
rubbish  heap  upon  which  he  sat.  Those  children  of  the 
stricken  country-side  entered  with  keenness  into  the  spirit  of 
the  make-believe.  The  little  girl,  searching  for  an  appro- 
priate stone  to  place  on  the  imaginary  table  for  imaginary 
bread,  thrust  her  hand  down  among  the  iJdlris  and,  with- 
drawing it,  exposed  a  relic.  It  w'as  the  faded  remnant  of 
a  baby's  shoe,  grotesque  in  the  autumn  sunshine. 

"  Oui,  par  exemple,  les  Bodies  ont  passe  par  ici," 
said  the  little  boy  as  impersonally  as  before. 


In  a  Good  Cause. 

An  auction  of  stamps  will  be  held  on  the  13th  and  14th 
of  March  at  47,  Leicester  Square,  in  aid  of  the  National 
Philatelic  War  Fund,  the  proceeds  to  be  given  to  the 
Societies  of  the  British  Rod  Cross  and  St.  John  of  Jerus- 
alem. Collectors  should  seize  this  chance,  as  the  Allies 
may  shortly  bo  arranging  to  modify  the  map  of  the  world. 


"  The  year  1911  showed  a  drop  of  441  million  eggs  in  the  year." 

Trade  Pnpcr. 

Taking  our  population  as  46  millions  this  means  9i  eggs 
dropped  per  head  in  the  year.  Under  the  influence  of 
the  thrift  campaign  a  great  effort  is  being  made  to  drop 
only  half  an  egg  per  head  this  year,  but  should  there  be 
a  General  Election  there  may  be  a  rise  in  the  drop. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHABIVARL—  MAUCII  8,  1916. 


WHO   PAYS? 


Tin:  1-ATiu.K.  "WE  ARE  MAKING  TERRIBLE  SACRIFICES." 

Tin;  Sox.  "YES,  FATHER,  BUT  I  AM  VERY  BRAVB;  I  CAN  BEAR  THEM." 


1G4 


PUNCH,  OE  THE  LONDON  CHAIMVARI. 


i  MARCH  8,  191G. 


Visitor.  "AND  WHAT  DID  YOU  DO  WHEN  THE  SHKIX  STRUCK  YOU?" 
Sored  Tommy.  "SENT  MOTHER  A  POSTCARD  TO  HAVE  MY  BED  AIRED.' 


THE   GREAT   MAN. 

EVEBY  Saturday,  about  four  P.M.,  I  am 
to  be  found  worshipping  at  the  Shrine 
of  the  Open  Mind.  Once  within  its 
portals  I  put  off  the  subfusc  vestments 
of  J.  Watson,  Esq.,  Barrister-at-Law, 
and  become  simply  Uncle  James.  This 
alone  is  a  tonic.  To-day  as  I  ascended 
the  steps  of  the  temple  there  floated 
down  to  me  the  voices  of  the  priestesses 
chanting,  evidently  in  a  kind  of  frenzy, 
and  to  the  air  of  a  famous  Scottish 
reel,  this  rhyme — • 

"Daddy  is  a  Sergeant,  a  Sergeant,  a  Sergeant ! 
Daddy  is  a  Sergeant,  a  Sergeant  of  Police." 

So  I  opened  the  nursery  door  and 
went  in.  An  uncle  has  no  honour  in  his 
own  country,  and  my  two  small  nieces 
assaulted  mo  immediately.  Phyllh 
dragged  me  to  a  chair,  while  Lillah 
shrieked  unrelentingly  in  my  ear  that 
Daddy  was  a  sergeant. 

"  So  the  special  constables  have  seen 
that  your  father  is  a  born  policeman  ?" 
I  said  as  I  sat  down. 

"The  special  ones,"  nodded  Phyllis 
with  profound  pride. 

"  Magnificent,"   I   murmured.     "  He 


has  at  last  justified  his  choice  of  the 
law  as  a  profession." 

"Tell  us,"  said  Lillab,  "  with  the  air 
with  which  one  speaks  of  a  self-made 
man  who  has  just  appeared  in  the 
Honours  List — "  tell  us  how  Daddy 
started." 

"  He  went  to  the  Bar,"  I  said. 

"Bar?"  echoed  Lillah. 

"  Why,  yes,"  I  said  ;  "  it 's  a  place 
where  people  wait." 

"  Like  a  station?  " 

"  Only  the  trains  don't  always  come 
in.  Anyway,  on  one  side  of  the  bar  are 
a  lot  of  young  men  waiting  for  some- 
thing to  turn  up,  and  on  the  other  a  lot 
of  old  men  writing  autobiographies." 

"But  aren't  there  any  rniddling- 
olders?"  This  is  Phyllistian  for  men 
of  middle  age. . 

"  Not  allowed,"  I  said.  "At  the  Bar 
you  are  either  a  junior  or  a  reminiscer." 

"  What 's  that  ?  " 

"  It 's  an  illness  that  attacks  people 
who  aren't  really  famous." 

Phyllis    stared.      "Like    measles?" 

I  nodded. 

"  Oh,"  cried  Lillah  eagerly,  "  do  the 
reminiscers  go  all  pink  ?  " 


"They  ought  to,"  said  I. 

There  was  a  silence.  The  round 
eyes  of  Phyllis  were  full  of  suspicion. 

"Daddy  said,"  she  remarked  slowly, 
"  that  he  did  law." 

"  So  he  does,"  I  answered. 

"  Well,  what 's  that,  then  ?  " 

Small  girls  ,ask  questions  in  two 
words  which  wise  men  must  write 
books  to  answer. 

"The  law,"  I  answered  warily,  "gives 
reasons  for  things  that  are  unreason- 
able." 

"  Like  what  ?  "  said  Phyllis. 

I  laughed  a  little  uneasily.  This 
was  getting  difficult. 

"  Oh — er — things  like  getting  mar- 
ried," I  said,  "  and  refraining  from 
shooting  little  girls  who  ask  questions." 

I  admit  that  this  sort  of  joke  is  the 
last  infirmity  of  an  uncle's  otherwise 
noble  mind.  They  regarded  me  sadly. 

Then  Lillah  turned  to  Phyllis  with  a 
detached  air.  "  Uncle  James  is  being 
grand,"  she  said,  "  because  he  doesn't 
know  what  law  is." 

"  Don't  you  ?  "  said  Phyllis. 

"  Perhaps  not,"  I  murmured  feebly. 
The  nursery  makes  very  small  beer  of 


MARCH  8,  1916.] 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON   CHAR1VAIM. 


165 


Mother.  "No,  BETTY  DAKLING,  I  CAN'T  BUTTON  YOUB  BOOTS  FOB  YOU.      How  YOU  HAVE  A  LITTLE  SISTEB  YOU  MUST  LEABN  TO 

DO   THINGS   FOB  YOURSELF." 

Betty.    "SHALL   I   jILWAYS  HAVE  TO  DO  FINOS   FOB  MYSELF?" 

Mother.  "YES,  DARLING."  Betty.  "THEN  I  DON'T  FINK  I  SHALL  LIKE  LIFE." 


the  cynic.  There  was  a  moment's 
silence. 

"  You  've  told  us  wrong,"  said  Phyllis 
sternly.  "  Daddy  isn't  ever  wrong." 

"  So  he 's  risen  from  his  bar  to  be  a 
sergeant,"  added  Lillah,  with  the  air  of 
one  finishing  a  story  with  a  moral. 

I  'm  afraid  I  chuckled.  It  was  in 
vei-y  bad  taste,  of  course,  but  I  couldn't 
help  it.  I  suppose  George  is  one  of 
the  most  egregious  Micawbers  of  the 

English  Bar,  whereas  I whyp  I 

remember  noticing  a  brief  on  the 
mantelpiece  in  my  chambers  only  last 
month. 

"Poor  Uncle  James,"  said  Phyllis  in 
her  best  drawing-room  tones,  "perhaps 
if  you  tried  very  hard " 

They  had  mistaken  my  laughter  for 
that  bitter  disappointed  kind  you  get 
in  the  theatres. 

"  I  know,"  said  Lillah  ;  "  we  '11  play 
Germans,  and  Uncle  James  can  pretend 
he's  a  sergeant." 

Yes,  they  were  sorry  for  me.  The 
table  was  pushed  into  the  window  and 
became  a  waterworks  of  importance. 


The  invidious  part  of  the  alien  enemy 
fell  to  Lillah.  It  was  admitted  that 
she  could  glare  best.  "  Besides,"  said 
Phyllis,  "  Lillah  can  make  growly  noises 
come  up  from  her  tummy." 

The  complete  Hun,  as  you  perceive. 

Phyllis  became  a  "  special,"  while  I 
was  her  sergeant,  the  star  part  of  the 
piece.  But  the  show  was  a  frost, 
though  Lillah  gave  an  excellent  imita- 
tion, with  the  aid  of  a  toy  spider,  of  a 
Hun  inserting  bacilli  into  the  nation's 
aqua  pura.  Yes,  I  'm  afraid  I  was  the 
failure.  I  couldn't  get  to  grips  with 
my  part,  and  the  whole  thing  was  so 
obviously  a  charity  performance,  with 
Phyllis  ordering  herself  sternly  about 
to  try  and  help  me  through. 

We  were  halfway  through  the  second 
house  when  a  well-known  step  was 
heard  on  the  stairs. 

Lillah  turned,  her  eyes  ablaze  with 
worship.  Phyllis  trembled  with  excite- 
ment. As  I  sat  down  I  couldn't  help 
thinking  that  we  grown-ups  are  just 
a  little  absurd.  There  is  more  than 
one  thinks  in  the  relativity  of  things. 


Adoration  ?  George  was  never  going 
to  get  anything  like  it  again  in  this 
world.  My  mind  mused  on  ambition. 
Why,  the  CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  EX- 
CHEQUER himself 

The  door-handle  turned  and  I  heard 
the  small  voice  of  Phyllis  in  my  ear. 

"Muminie  says,"  she  whispered, 
"  we  can't  all  be  great." 

Nice  little  maid ! 

Then  we  all  lined  up  to  receive  the 
Sergeant. 

"  TURKISH  COMMUNIQUE. 
Constantinople,   Saturday.  —  On   the  Can- 
adian front  there  were  outpost  duels  and  local 
fighting  at  several  points.     These  skirmishes 
are  still  going  on." — Evening  Paper. 

Forthcoming  volume  by  Sir  MAX  AITKEN 
— Canada  in  Turkey. 

From  a  description  of  a  new  enemy 
aeroplane : — 

"  The  whole  machine  is  armoured,  and  tho 
supper  part  is  shaped  like  a  reversed  roof." 
Provincial  Paper. 

Trust  the  Germans  for  looking  after 
the  commissariat. 


163 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  8,  191G. 


AN    EMBARGO    ON    INK. 

GREAT  PUBLIC  MEETING. 
Mrt.  RUNCIMAN,  President  of  the 
Board  of  Trade,  having  stated  that  the 
Government  was  following  up  its  re- 
strictions on  the  importation  of  paper 
hy  drastic  new  rules  concerning  our 
supplies  of  ink,  a  public  meeting  of 
protest  was  immediately  called.  Mr. 
T.  P.  O'Notor,  M.P.,  took  tho  chair, 
and  ho  was  supported  by  many  of  the 
most  illustrious  ink-men  of  the  day. 

The  Chairman,  having  first  read 
a  number  of  letters  apologising  for 
absence,  one  of  which  was,  of  course, 
from  Lord  Southbluff,  who  specialises 
in  this  epistolary  form,  proceeded  to 
pour  scorn  on  tho  Board  of  Trade's 
decision.  How  can  the  Board  of  Trade, 
ho  asked  pointedly,  know  its  business 
as  well  as  we  do?  If  it  hopes,  by 
curtailing  the  supplies  of  ink  that 
como  to  England,  to  make  room  for  the 
more  important  necessaries  of  life,  it  is 
mistaken.  Thevo  is  nothing  more  im- 
portant than  ink.  (Cheers.)  Withouf 
ink  what  are  we  ?  (A  voice :  "  Not 
much.")  Without  ink,  how  can  adver- 
tisements be  written?  (Cries  of 
"  Shame ! ")  Among  all  forms  of 
human  endeavour  none  was  nobler 
than  putting  one  word  after  another. 
(Applause.)  That  is  what  SHAKSPEARE 
did.  (Hear,  hear.)  Always  with  the 
assistance  of  ink.  (Cheers.)  And 
what  would  England  be  like  without 
SHAKSPEARE  ?  (Renewed  cheers.)  Had 
Mr.  RUNCIMAN  thought  of  that?  He 
(the  speaker)  would  venture  to  say  he 
had  not.  In  any  case  ink  must  be 
saved.  (Loud  applause.) 

Mr.  Harry  Austinson,  Editor  of  The 
English  Ttevite,  rose  to  protest  against 
the  Board  of  Trade  action.  To  put  an 
embargo  upon  ink  was,  he  held,  nothing 
less  than  an  outrage.  Ink  was  the 
life-blood  of  British  liberty,  and  he  for 
ono  would  never  hesitate  to  spill  the 
last  drop,  either  in  his  own  select 
periodical  or  in  a  Sunday  paper  for 
the  masses.  Tho  mere  fact  that  the 
feeling  against  ink  was  inaugurated  by 
a  Member  of  the  Government  automa- 
tically proved  it  wrong.  No  good  could 
come  from  such  a  corrupt  agglomera- 
tion of  salary-seekers  as  the  Coalition 
Ministry.  Speaking  as  one  who  knew 
Germany  from  within,  ho  would  say 
that  to  put  any  obstacle  in  the  way 
of  the  public  expression  of  opinion  in 
England  was  to  help  the  foe.  (Hear, 
hear.) 

Mr.  Bernold  Pennit  said  that  tho 
Government's  action  paralysed  him. 
For  years  he  had  been  in  the  habit  of 
writing  his  ten  thousand  words  a  day. 
It  did  not  much  matter  what  they 
were  about ;  the  point  was  that  they 


were  written.  Otherwise  he  could  not 
keep  in  good  health.  Where  another 
man  might  do  Swedish  exercises,  ride, 
walk,  eat  or  play  golf,  he,  Mr.  Pennit, 
wrote.  (Hear,  hear.)  It  might  be  an 
attack  on  British  stupidity ;  it  might 
be  a  eulogy  of  Mr.  ASQUITH  ;  it  might 
be  a  description  of  the  arrival  of  a  ton 
of  coal  at  an  auctioneer's  private  resi- 
dence in  Handley  and  its  transference 
to  the  cellar  and  the  discovery  that 
there  was  one  hundredweight  one  stone 
short.  Whatever  the  theme,  there 
were  ten  thousand  words  in  any  case, 
and  unless  he  could  write  them  daily 
ho  was  lost.  Tho  tragic  thing  was  that 
he  could  write  only  in  ink  and  with 
his  own  hand.  (Sensation.)  Before 
meddling  with  ink  there  were  all  sorts 
of  things  for  tho  Government  to  forbid. 
Golf  balls,  for  one.  He  wished  to 
express  his  complete  dissatisfaction 
with  Mr.  RUNCIMAN'S  insane  proposal. 
(Cheers.) 

Mr.  Bolairo  Hillock  thought  that  a 
great  deal  too  much  fuss  was  being 
made  about  ink.  The  Board  of  Trade 
was,  of  course,  an  ass;  that  goes  with- 
out saying  (qa  va  sans  dire) ;  but  it  is 
childish  of  literary  men  to  come  there 
and  pretend  to  be  nonplussed.  Let 
them  rather  show  themselves  superior 
to  such  trumpery  legislation.  As  an 
old  campaigner  he  could  tell  them  what 
to  do.  When  he  was  an  artilleryman 
in  France,  and  writing  a  series  of 
articles  on  the  Reformation  at  the  same 
time,  he  mixed  an  excellent  substitute 
for  ink  out  of  the  ashes  of  his  pipe  and 
claret.  There  were  countless  things 
that  could  be  utilised,  including  black- 
ing, seethed  mushrooms,  boiled  ash- 
buds,  and  the  juice  of  the  pickled  walnut. 
With  such  resources  as  these  we  in- 
tended to  go  on  writing  and  drawing 
diagrams  long  after  Mr.  RUNCIMAN  was 
forgotten.  (Loud  cheers.) 

Lord  Pengo  said  that  one  of  the 
purest  pleasures  of  life  was  writing  to 
The  Times,  and  how  could  that  be  done 
if  there  was  no  ink?  Some  people 
doubtless  could  use  pencil  ;  but  he 
personally  could  not.  Others  had 
typewriters  or  dictated  to  typists,  but 
that  was  beyond  him.  To  him  there 
were  few  delights  more  complete  than 
to  dip  his  pen  in  tho  forbidden  fluid 
and  begin,  "  Sir."  (Applause.) 

The  Rev.  R.  Trampbell  said  that  not 
during  his  whole  career  as  a  clergy- 
man of  the  Church  of  England  could 
ho  remember  a  more  monstrous  pro- 
posal than  this  one  to  reduce  the 
supply  of  ink.  To  him  ink  was  more 
precious  than  radium,  for  it  enabled 
him  to  express  his  thoughts  and  thus 
come  into  intimate  relationship  with 
his  fellow-beings.  It  might  be  within 
the  knowledge  of  the  meeting  that  he 


was  in  the  habit  of  contributing  every 
week  an  article  on  the  War  to  the 
Sunday  papers.  It  was  not  on  tactics, 
but  on  some  subject  of  spiritual  interest 
connected  with  the  War,  and  he  had 
reason  to  believe  that  thousands,  ho 
might  say  millions,  of  his  fellow- 
countrymen  and  fellow-countrywomen 
found  it  helpful.  Was  that  to  ceaso? 
England  had  too  few  inspired  teachers 
for  this  article  to  be  lightly  disposed 
of.  He  felt  sure  that  he  had  the  great 
weight  of  his  beloved  Church  of  Eng- 
land at  the  back  of  him  when  he 
uttered  this  protest. 

Mr.  Chester  Gilbertson  said  that 
neither  the  restriction  on  ink  or  paper 
would  worry  him.  There  was  nothing 
he  couldn't  write  tritJi,  and  nothing  lie 
couldnt  write  on.  He  had  writk  n 
many  of  his  best  articles  with  a  piece 
of  chalk  on  one  of  his  black  coats,  and 
many  of  his  worst  on  cab  and  railway- 
carriage  windows  with  a  diamond  ring 
which  he  had  compelled  a  commer- 
cial traveller  to  relinquish.  (Cheers.) 
Rather  than  not  express  an  opinion  on 
whatever  was  forward,  he  would  carve 
his  views  on  a  rock  and  himself  carry 
the  rock  to  the  printing  office.  (Loud 
cheers.)  The  Runcimen  of  this  world 
were  created  purely  in  order  to  be 
defied. 

Mr.  Bernard  Jaw  said  that  of  course 
for  the  Government  to  pretend  that 
the  cargo  space  now  occupied  by  ink 
was  needed  for  something  else  was 
rubbish.  The  Government's  real  reason 
was  that  they  were  terrified  of  the  critics 
and  thought  to  muzzle  them  in  this  way. 
But  he  for  one — and  he  knew  for  a 
fact  that  the  Government  dreaded  his 
genius  acutely  and  would  give  much 
if  they  could  still  the  blistering  accuracy 
of  his  pen — he  for  one  would  not  bo 
daunted. 

At  this  point  a  special  messenger 
arrived  bearing  a  letter  for  the  Chair- 
man, who,  after  reading  it,  asked  leave 
to  put  the  meeting  in  possession  of  its 
terms,  as  it  somewhat  altered  the  situ_- 
ation.  It  was,  in  fact,  from  the  Board 
of  Trade,  and  stated  that,  owing  to  a 
misprint,  the  recent  decision  concerning 
ink  had  been  misunderstood.  It  was 
not  ink  that  was  to  be  restricted,  but 
zinc.  (Cheers.)  In  the  circumstances 
perhaps  they  might  adjourn. 

The  meeting  then  broke  up  peace- 
ably, although  Mr.  Bernard  Jaw  did 
his  best  to  collect  an  audience  for  a 
new  speech  on  the  monstrosity  of  in- 
terfering with  zinc. 


"Count  Bernstorff  finds  that  the  Washing- 
ton Government  has  left  him  in  tho  air. 
Seemingly  he  is  at  sea." — Morninj  Post. 

As  was  said  of  a  nobler  character,  "  the 
elements  are  so  mixed  up  in  him." 


MM;C.H  H,  I'Htl.j 


PUNCIf,   Oil   TIIU    LONDON    CIIA  l!l  V  A  l,'l. 


1(57 


Junes  (left  at  home  to  mind  tlm  children).  "  IP  THE  PAPEB'S  ANYTHING  TO  GO  BY,  WK  MARRIED  MEN  WILL  ALL  BE  IN  THE  ARMY 
BY  JULY.     IT  SEEMS  A  LONG  TIME  TO  WAIT." 


THE    EXPERT   ADVISER. 

I  MET  him  near  the  entrance  of  the 
Institute,  where  I  was  waiting  to  see 
the  Superintendent.  He  approached 
•with  light,  nervous  steps,  and  his 
haggard  eyes  met  mine  questioningly. 

"  A  tine  morning,  "  I  remarked. 

"  It  is,"  he  agreed ;  "  and  if  you  would 
be  good  enough  to  tell  me  the  day  of 
the  week " 

"It's  Saturday,"  I  said,  wondering 
a  little. 

"  I — I  feared  so,"  he  said  and  clutched 
me  by  the  arm.  "Listen.  This  is  the 
day  when  I  have  to  make  up  my  five 
columns — seven  hundred  lines,  brevier 
type.  It  is  my  destiny  to  give  advice, 
and  you  can  have  it  without  the  asking. 
Take,,  for  example,  the  Rhode  Island 
Babbit — a  noble  strain  and  rich  in 
phosphates.  Plant  out  at  the  beginning 
of  April  in  a  mixture  consisting  of  two 
parts  road-grit,  two  parts  table- scraps, 
and  a  deed  of  assignment,  and  by  the 
end  of  October  they  will  be  throw- 
ing up  magnificent  clusters  of  yellow 
blossom.  The  Magellan  Lop-eared  is 
also  hardy  and  prolific,  though  pug- 
nacious if  reared  under  glass.  In  the 
absence  of  a  specified  agreement  a 
dose  of  tartavic  acid  that  has  been 


well  stewed  with  the  mutton  left  over 
from  Sunday  will  usually  put  matters 
straight.  Snip  off  shoots  that  show 
signs  of  becoming  broody,  and  give  a 
mash  of  middlings  at  quarter-day. 

"  We  now  come  to  the  Light  Sussex 
Long-furred  Goatlings.  These  can  be 
kept  in  hutches,  which  may  be  obtained 
at  any  oil-shop  at  about  fivepence  per 
pint.  Grasp  firmly  by  the  wings  when 
lifting,  and  explain  the  matter  to  your 
solicitor.  Short-haired  Pouters  should 
be  housed  in  kennels  which  have  been 
thoroughly  disinfected  with  peat-moss, 
cod-liver-oil  emulsion  and  a  good  face- 
powder.  A  little  boracic  ointment 
rubbed  well  into  the  roots  before  break- 
fast is  also  to  be  commended.  With 
regard  to  the  Squirrel-tailed  Borzois, 
during  the  period  of  weaning  try  bi- 
carbonate of  soda,  one  scruple;  sal 
volatile,  one  drachm ;  to  be  taken  every 
calendar  month  from  date  of  contract." 

A  large,  genial  man,  with  an  official 

manner — he    was,    I    discovered,    the 

under  -  superintendent  —  approached, 

and  the  haggard  man  moved  rapidly 

|  away. 

"  A  painful  case,"  I  observed. 

"Very,"  said  the  large  man.  "Journ- 
alist of  the  name  of  Griddle — Jabez  Wil- 
berforco  Griddle.  He  used  to  run  the 


Gardening  sectjon  of  The  Sunday  Helio. 
Then  the  chap  that  was  responsible  for 
the  '  Legal  Advice '  was  called  up,  and 
Griddle  got  his  column  as  well  as  his 
own.  Next,  the  '  Poultry  Gossip  '  man 
went,  and  they  gave  Griddle  that,  and 
when  a  week  later  the  '  Gookery  Notes' 
woman  took  up  V.A.D.  work  he  got 
her  share  too.  He  struggled  along 
gamely  enough  until  '  Auntie  Gladys,' 
who  ran  '  Our  Baby '  column,  became 
a  tram  -  conductress ;  but,  when  they 
passed  him  that,  his  mind  went,  and 
the  proprietors  sent  him  here." 

I  inquired  as  to  the  possibilities  of 
recovery. 

."  There  is  hope,"  said  the  large  man, 
"  that  the  trouble  may  not  last  beyond 
the  duration  of  the  War.  But  we 
shan't  feel  that  we  've  made  a  fair  start 
until  we  've  cured  him  of  getting  up  in 
the  night  and  tapping  his  artificial 
teeth  with  a  button-hook.  He  fancies 
he  "s  dictating  '  Answers  to  Correspon- 
dents.' " 

—  = 

Clerical  Candour. 

'  •  In  order  to  satisfy  my  mind  I  spent  over 
two  hours  in  a  certain  cinema  .  .  .  Frankly  I 
was  disappointed.  I  saw  nothing  which  could 
in  any  w;iy  be  called  indecent." 

The  Rev.  F.  H.  QILLINGJUII,  in 
"The  Weekly  Dispatch." 


1G8 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  8,  191G. 


AN    UNEASY    CONSCIENCE. 

"\\"ELL,  I'M  OFF  10  MY  DRESSMAKER'S.    I  CAN'T  SIT  HEBE  ANY  LONGER  BEING  ECONOMISED  AT  BY  THAT  GIRL'S  CLOTHES." 


THE    WORLD    SET    FREE. 

(An  awful  prospect.) 

LONG,  long  ago,  when  I  had  not  attested, 
I  prized  the  liberties  of  this  proud  race, 
The  right  of  speech,  from  haughty  rulers  wrested, 
The  right  to  put  one's  neighbours  in  their  place ; 
I  liked  to  argue  and  I  loved  to  pass 
Slighting  remarks  on  Eobert,  who  's  an  ass, 
To  hint  that  Henry's  manners  were  no  class, 
Or  simply  say  I  did  not  like  his  face. 

But  things  are  changed.     To-day  I  had  a  tussle 

With  some  low  scion  of  an  upstart  line ; 
Meagre  his  intellect,  absurd  his  muscle, 

I  should  have  strafed  him  in  the  days  long  sync ; 
I  took  a  First,  and  he  could  hardly  parse ; 
I  have  more  eloquence  but  he  more  stars  ; 
Yet  (so  insane  the  ordinance  of  Mars) 
/  must  say  "  Yessir,"  and  salute  the  swine. 

And  it  was  hard  when  that  abrupt  Staff-Major 

Up  to  the  firing-line  one  evening  came 
(Unknown  his  motive,  probably  a  wager), 

And  said  quite  rudely,  "  You  are  much  to  blame ; 
Those  beggars  yonder  you  should  enfilade." 
I  fingered  longingly  a  nice  grenade ; 
I  said  those  beggars  were  our  First  Brigade, 
But  might  not  call  him  any  kind  of  name. 


Yet  not  for  ever  shall  the  bard  be  muted 

By  stars  and  stripes,  but  freely,  as  of  yore, 
When  swords  are  sheathed  and  I  'm  civilian-suited, 
I  shall  have  speech  with  certain  of  my  corps, 
Speak  them  the  insults  which  I  now  but  brood: 
"  Pompous,"  "  incompetent,"  "  too  fond  of  food,1 
And  fiercely  taste  the  bliss  of  being  rude 
And  unrestrained  by  Articles  of  War. 

That  will  be  great ;  but  what  if  such  intentions 

Are  likewise  present  in  the  Tenth  Platoon  ? 
What  if  some  labourer  of  huge  dimensions 
Meet  me  defenceless  in  a  Tube  saloon, 
And  hiss  his  catalogue  of  unpaid  scores, 
How  oft  I  criticised  his  forming  fours, 
Or  prisoned  him  behind  the  Depot  doors, 
Or  kept  him  digging  on  the  Fourth  of  Juno  ? 

Painful.     And  then,  when  all  these  armed  millions 

Unknot  with  zest  the  military  noose, 
Will  the  whole  world  be  full  of  wroth  civilians, 
Each  one  exulting  in  a  tongue  let  loose  ? 

And  who  shall  picture  or  what  bard  shall  pen 
The  crowning  horror  which  awaits  us  then — • 
That  civil  warfare  of  uncivil  men 
In  one  great  Armageddon  of  abuse  ? 


A  Pluralist. 

The  writer  of  a  letter  appearing  in  The  Daily  Mail  signs 
herself  "Wife  of  Group  41." 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CIIAHIVAIU.     MAKOI  8,  I'Jlfi. 


THE   QUESTION   OF   THE   HOUR. 

JOHN  BULL  (to  Jnmself).  "TELL  YOU  WHAT  IT  IS,  MY  FRIEND— YOU 'VE  BEEN  DOING 
YOURSELF  TOO  WELL.  IF  YOU  MEAN  TO  WIN  THIS  WAR  YOU'VE  GOT  TO  SEE 
WHAT  YOU  CAN  DO  WITHOUT." 


170 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  8,  1916. 


FRANK. 

IN  my  first  formal  introduction  to 
Frank  he  appeared,  together  with  his 
clothing  and  various  belongings,  as  an 
item  iu  a  list  of  things  to  be  taken  over. 
I  knew  him  already  by  reputation,  and 
1  remembered  some  of  the  occasions 
when  he  had  appeared  on  parade.  Also 
I  knew  that  two  successive  Company 
Commanders  had  managed  in  turn  to 
exchange  him  with  some  unsuspecting 
newly  appointed  O.C.  Company  for 
something  more  tractable.  This  last 
process,  indeed,  accounted  for  my 
having  to  take  him  over  instead  of  the 
mild  creature  with  the  duck-waddle 
action  which  my  predecessor  had 
ridden  or,  let  me  say,  sat. 

It  became  then  my  lot  to  take  over 
Frank,  or,  to  put  it  more  correctly,  I 
was  issued  with  him.  That  is  part  of 
the  military  principle  of  fixing  respon- 
sibility. Things  are  not  issued  to  you ; 
you  are  issued  with  them,  and  you 
alone  are  accountable.  I  was  issued 
with  Frank  and  all  his  harness  and 
appointments  and,  incidentally,  his 
parlour  tricks.  This  was  the  formal 
introduction.  I  didn't  meet  him  at 
close  range  until  later.  When  I  was 
issued  with  him  I  didn't  even  know  his 
name.  No  previous  owner  had  ever 
thought  of  asking  it,  and  had  they 
asked  they  would  not  have  believed 
that  a  horse  could  be  called  Frank.  On 
general  principles  it  seems  wrong,  but 
on  nearer  acquaintance  I  found  that 
Frank  was  exactly  the  name  for  him. 
The  great  thing  about  him  was  that  if 
he  thought  a  thing  he  said  it. 

For  example,  when  I  first  mounted 
him  he  thought  he  would  prefer  to 
remain  in  the  stable  where  he  had  been 
for  the  best  part  of  a  week.  He  said 
so  quite  candidly.  I  am  nothing  very 
great  as  a  handler  of  wild  animals, 
and  he  gave  me  three  minutes  made 
up  of  every  action  in  his  repertoire- 
no  limited  one.  At  the  end  of  it  I  very 
kindly  dismounted.  I  didn't  want  him 
to  think  I  was  not  intelligent  enough 
to  understand  what  he  meant,  and 
moreover  I  hated  the  idea  of  man-ing 
our  first  meeting  by  refusing  so  unmis- 
takable a  request.  So  he  was  led  back 
to  his  quarters  and  the  incident  closed, 
if  not  with  mutual  goodwill  at  least 
with  some  degree  of  satisfaction  fairly 
evenly  distributed  among  the  parties. 

It  was,  I  remember,  on  the  next 
morning  that  the  Mess  Sergeant  noticed 
a  shortage  of  lump  sugar  in  one  of  the 
basins.  I  mention  this  merely  because 
it  fixes  in  my  mind  the  first  day  on 
which  I  had  a  comfortable  ride.  Frank 
started  out  in  a  good  temper  and  came 
home  at  his  best  pace,  hoping  to  get 
some  more  sugar.  That,  at  least,  is 


how  I  read  his  meaning,  and  I  pur- 
sued my  policy  of  not  misunderstand- 
ing him.  After  this  he  developed  a 
parlour  trick  which  made  me  quite 
fond  of  him.  When  I  went  to  the 
stable  he  would  put  his  nose  round  to 
the  side  pocket  where  I  kept  the  sugar. 
He  always  got  some,  and  he  knew 
there  would  always  be  some  more  when 
lie  got  home. 

Thus  it  became  necessary  to  instruct 
him  in  topography.  He  quickly  learned 
that  certain  turnings  led  to  the  camp, 
and  I  was  reduced  to  subterfuges  to 
prove  to  him  that  they  did  not.  It 
was  essential  to  go  over  every  road 
at  various  times  in  opposite  directions. 
That  confused  him,  and  though  I  dis- 
liked the  deception  I  had  to  resort  to 
it,  with  the  result  that  Frank  finally 
accepted  me  at  my  own  fictitious  valua- 
tion as  a  person  who  did  not  properly 
know  his  own  mind. 

But  it  took  him  some  time  to  get 
into  my  ways.  Once  we  spent  twenty 
minutes  on  a  small  stretch  of  road 
leading  from  the  parade  ground  to  a 
railway  bridge.  I  wanted  to  cross  the 
bridge  and  Frank  did  not.  I  took  him 
towards  the  bridge  and  he  took  me 
back  towards  the  camp.  This  happened 
thirteen  times.  At  the  fourteenth 
there  was  a  variation  ;  ho  changed  his 
mind  and  we  crossed  the  bridge.  Dur- 
ing the  twenty  minutes,  I  remember, 
we  had  a  further  slight  disagreement 
about  a  stick.  I  was  glad  I  had  brought 
it,  and  he  was  not.  But  on  the  other 
side  of  the  bridge  we  let  bygones  be 
bygones.  Frank  had  his  moods,  but 
he  was  always  a  gentleman. 

He  was  also  a  soldier.  His  strong 
point  really  was  that  he  was  excellent 
on  parade.  He  would  look  round, 
grasp  the  formation  at  a  glance,  and 
drop  into  his  place.  He  was  never 
more  happy  than  when  route-marching; 
never  more  unhappy  than  when  com- 
pelled to  break  out  of  the  line.  Indeed, 
so  much  did  he  enjoy  column  of  route 
that  when  off  duty  with  two  or  three 
other  horses  he  would  play  at  route- 
marching,  taking  up  a  position  in 
Indian  file  and  avoiding  any  sort  of 
arrangement  which  brought  him 
abreast  of  his  companions. 

At  last  we  had  to  part.  I  don't 
know  the  right  way  to  express  this. 
Possibly  I  was  reissued  without  him  ; 
I  am  not  sure  what  the  process  was. 
At  any  rate  we  separated,  he  remaining 
at  the  camp  and  I  proceeding  on  duty 
to  the  Depot.  I  said  good-bye  to  him 
and  he  nuzzled  for  the  last  time  at 
rny  side  pocket.  Having  munched  the 
sugar,  he  turned  to  the  more  serious 
business  of  his  manger.  I  think  this 
must  have  been  his  way  of  concealing 
his  emotion. 


RAG-TIME  IN  THE  TRENCHES. 

ROLL  up,  rally  up  ! 
Stroll  up,  sally  up  ! 
Take  a  tupp'ny  ticket  out,  and  help  to 

toto  the  tally  up  ! 
Come  and  see  the  Baggers  in  their 

"  Mud  and  Slush  "  revoo. 
(Haven't  got  no  money  ?     Well,  a 

cigarette  '11  do). 
Come  and  hear  O'Leary  in  his  great 

tin-whistle  stunt ; 
See  our  beauty  chorus  with  the  Sergeant 

in  the  front ; 
Come  and  hear  our  gaggers 

In  their  "Lonely  Tommy"  song  ; 
Come  and  see  the  Baggers, 

We're  the  bongest  of  the  bong. 

Boll  up,  rally  up  i 
Stroll  up,  sally  up  ! 
Show  is  just  commencing  and  we  've 

got  to  ring  the  ballet  up. 
Hear  our  swell  orchestra  keeping  all 

the  fun  alive, 
Tooting  on  his  whistle  while  they  dance 

the  Dug-out  Dive. 
Come  and  see  Spud  Murphy  with  his 

double-ration  smile, 
('Tisn't  much  for  beauty,  but  it's 

PHYLLIS  DARE  for  style) ; 
Come  and  see  our  sceint, 

"How  the  section  got  C.B.-;  " 
Bring  a  concertina 

And  we  '11  let  you  come  in  free. 

Boll  up,  rally  up  ! 
Stroll  up,  sally  up  ! 
First  and  last  performance.     If  you 

want  to  see  it,  allez  up ! 
Come  and  sit  where  "Archibalds  "  won't 

get  you  in  the  neck 
(If  it 's  getting  sultry  you  can  take  a  j 

pass-out  check). 
Come  and  hear  the  Corporal  recite  his 

only  joke ; 
See  the  leading  lady  slipping  out  to 

have  a  smoke ; 
Sappers,  cooks,  flag-waggers, 

Dhooly-wallahs  too  ; 
Come  and  hear  the  Baggers 

In  their  "  Mud  and  Slush  "  revoo. 


Commercial  Candour. 


UIKlp- 


"  The  perfume  par  excellence  . 
preached  and  unapproachable." 

Actvt.  in  Provincial  Paper. 


"GERMAN  FOOD   CRISIS. 
ATTEMPT  TO  CONGEAL  THE  TBUTH  AS  TO 
SHOHTAGE." — Buenos  Ayres  Standard. 

The  Huns  are  so  economical  that  they 
put  even  Truth  into  cold  storage. 


"  Cheery  messages  come  through  from 
General  Towiishend.  He  is  sewing  vegetable 
seeds  and  has  asked  for  gramophone  needles." 

lAoyd's  Weekly  Netcs. 

The  ordinary  kind  being  unsuited  for 
such  delicate  stitchery. 


M.uicn  8,  1916.] 


PUNCH,  OK  THE  LONDON  CIIARIVAIIF. 


171 


ESSENCE    OF    PARLIAMENT. 


I  efficiency  of  the  War  Office  at  a  moment   Supplementary  Estimate  of  £10  for  tho 
;  when  round  Verdun  was  raging  a  battle   Navy,  I  was  reminded  of  PRAKD'S  lines 


Tuesday,  February  %Qth. — Mr.  LLOYD   in  which  the  fate  of  Paris,  and  perli!i])s 


GEOHGE  announced  to-day  that  tho 
Members  of  the  Cabin;.1!,  had  decided  to 
take  one  -  fourth  of  their  salaries  in 
Exchequer  Bonds.  Murmurs  of  ap- 
plause followed,  and  before  they  had 
died  away  Mr.  HOGGE  launched  his 
great  joke.  Leaning  up  to  it  with  the 
remark  that  Exchequer  Bonds  can  be 
sold  tho  next  day,  he  asked,  "  Would  it 
not  bo  a  good  idea  to  call  them  the 
Laughing  Stock'.'"  Mr.  HoncE  is  not 


of  London,  was  involved.  Why  had 
lie  not  imitated  the  monumental  silence 
of  Mr.  BURNS '.'  Instead,  he,  tho  sup- 
pressor of  obscure  Irish  newspapers, 
had  done  more  to  injure  recruiting 
than  any  Conneinara  editor. 

I  never  expected  to  live  to  hear  the 
Bank  of  England  described  in  the 
House  of  Commons  as  a  useless  insti- 
tution. In  Mr.  HEALY'S  opinion,  "Tho 
Old  Lady  of  Threadneedlo  Street,"  like 


one  of  the  chartered  jesters  of  the  House  j  the  other  who  lived  in  a  shoe,  has  too 

so   his    ji-n   tl'fxjirit    just 

caused  "a  laugh,"  a-;  the 

reporters  say,  and  nothing 

more. 

On  tho  Third  Beading 
of  tho  Consolidated  Fund 
Bill  Sir  JOHN  SIMON  re- 
newed his  attack  upon 
the  Military  Service  Bill. 
The  tribunals,  he  de- 
clared, were  disregarding 
the  appeal  of  the  widow's 
only  son ;  the  Yellow 
Form,  of  which  the  late 
Home  Secretary  takes  the 
same  jaundiced  view  as  ho 
did  of  the  Yellow  Press, 
was  being  sent  out  indis- 
criminately to.all  whom  it 
did  not  concern  :  the  War 
Office  had  issued  a  mis- 
loading  poster ;  and  every- 
where men  were  being 
"  bluffed"  into  the  Army. 
He  himself  would  have 
been  inundated  \vifh  cor- 
respondence if  he  had  not 
had  the  happy  inspiration 
of  diverting  the  flood  into 
Mr.  TENNANT'S  letter-box. 
Passionately  he  called  up- 
on the  Government  not 
to  imitate  Germany's 
brutality. 

Mr.  LONG,  suave  as  usual,  deprecated 
Sir  JOHN  SIMON'S  ferocity,  reminded 
him  that  all  cases  of  hardship  could  be 
considered  by  the  Appeal  Tribunals, 
and  promised  to  investigate  the  cases 
that  had  been  mentioned.  "May  I 
send  in  my  list  too  ?  "  asked  Mr.  WATT. 
But  Mr.  LONG,  unwilling  to  share  the 
fate  of  Mr.  TENNANT,  suggested  that 
tho  SECRETARY  FOR  SCOTLAND  would 
form  a  more  appropriate  dumping- 
ground  for  Mr.  WATT'S  dossier. 

After  Mr.  SNOWDEN,  Sir  THOMAS 
WHITTAKEU  and  Mr.  LOUGH  had  rein- 
forced Sir  JOHN  SIMON'S  case  with 
added  instances  the  Government  found 
an  unexpected  champion  in  Mr.  HEALY. 
He  was  amazed  to  hoar  the  late  Home 
Secretary — "one  of  the  Ministers  who 
made  the  War" — gloating  over  the  in- 


IN  HAPPY  DAYS  TO  COME. 
The  Coalition  Otcncrs  (Mr.  ASQVITH  and  Mr.  BOSAR  LAW)  LEADING  IN 

A  WINKER. 


many  children,  and  her  attempt  to  get 
190  of  them  exempted  from  military 
service  moved  him  in  a  moment  of 
"  vituperative  irrelevance,"  as  Mr. 
PBINGLE  subsequently  described  it,  to 
say  the  rudest  things'  about  her  finan- 
cial capacity. 

Wednesday,  March  Is/.  —  Sir  OWEN 
PHILIPPS,  once  Liberal  Member  for 
Pembroke,  returned  to  the  House  to- 
day as  Unionist  Member  for  Chester. 
To  signalise  the  capture  of  so  gigantic 
a  prize — he  is  6ft.  Gin.  in  his  stockinged 
feet — Lord  EDMUND  TALBOT  and  Sir 
G.  YOUNGER,  Unionist  Whips,  con- 
ducted him  to  the  Table ;  and  as  they 
are  both  of  moderate  height  the  pro- 
cession gave  tho  effect  of  a  Maurctania 
going  to  Her  moorings  in  charge  of  a 
couple  of  tugs. 

When     Dr.    MACXAMARA    moved    a 


"On  seeing  the  SPKAKHR  asleep  in  his 
chair" : — 

"  Hume,  no  doubt,  will  IK,-  t:iking  the  sense 
Of    tho    House    on    ;v    s:ivin<{   of     thirtrrn 
pence." 

But  there  wore  difl'eivnccs.  The  £'10 
was  not  an  ordinary  "ten-pun"  note" 
but  was  a  "  token  "  representing  some- 
thing like  four  and  a  half  millions  re- 
ceived by  the  Fleet  for  services  rendered 
to  Foreign  Powers  and  others ;  and 
Mr.  WHITLEY,  who  was  in  the  Chair, 


so  far  from  being  asleep,  was  intensely 


•wide  -  awake.  Members 
who  sought  to  discuss 
Naval  policy  generally 
were  promptly  pulled  up, 
and  the  SECRETARY  OF  THE 
ADMIRALTY,  when  in  his 
third  or  fourth  attempt 
to  explain  the  Vote  he 
remarked  hypothetically, 
"  Suppose  we  were  to  sell 
a  battleship —  -"was  him- 
self called  to  order,  Mr. 
WHITLEY  evidently  regard- 
ing such  a  reduction  of  the 
Fleet  as  unpatriotic  even 
in  imagination. 

A  vote  for  £37,000  to 
extend  the  British  Con- 
sulate buildings  at  Cairo 
united  both  sides  of  the 
House  in  criticism.  Mr. 
ASHLEY  thought  what  was 
good  enough  for  Lord 
CROMER  should  bo  good 
enough  for  his  successor. 
Mr.  HOGGE,  by  a  some- 
what obscure  process  of 
reasoning,  now  understood 
why  the  Germans  were  so 
anxious  to  get  to  Egypt. 
In  vain  Mr.  LEWIS  II  AR- 
COURT,  usually  so  per- 
suasive, explained  that 


they  were  now  buying  for  £3  10s.  a 
metro  land  for  which  tho  owner  wanted 
£12  a  metre  not  long  ago.  Sir  F.  BAN- 
BURY,  shaking  his  pince-nez  at  the 
Treasury  Bench,  retorted  that  he  might 
•ask  £5  for  this  pair  of  glasses,  for 
which  ho  had  paid  half-a-crown  (more 
war  economy),  but  he  would  not  expect 
to  get  it. 

A  vote  for  £50,000,  to  complete  the 
purchase  of  the  estate  of  Colonel  HALL- 
WALKER,  who  has  presented  his  racing 
stud  to  the  Government,  evoked  some 
opposition  and  much  facetiousness. 
Mr.  ACLAND,  who  proposed  it,  did 
not  help- his  case  by  remarking  that 
personally  he  regarded  racing  as  a  low 
form  of  sport.  The  fact  that  some  of 
the  horses  have  been  leased  by  tho  War 
Department  to  Lord  LONSDALE  for 
racing  purposes  "on  sharing  terms" 


172 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH   8,    1910. 


caused  Mr.  McNEiLL  to  inquire  whether 
Mr.  TBNNANT  would  act  as  the  Minis- 
terial tipster ;  and  Mr.  HOGGE,  who 
displayed  a  knowledge  of  racing  which 
will,  1  fear,  shock  the  unco'  guid  of 
East  Edinburgh,  thought  it  ridiculous 
that  Ministers  should  preach  economy 


in  the  City  and  start  a  racin 
Westminster. 

Thursday,  March  2nd. 
— Ariel,  Earl  of  DEBBY, 
has  not  entirely  left  the 
Earth  for  the  Air.  His 
head,  at  any  rate,  is  not 
in  the  clouds,  for  his 
speech  on  the  working  of 
his  own  scheme  was  full 
of  practical  wisdom, 
was  not  afraid  of 
exemptions  that  the  tri- 
bunals might  give  if  left 
to  themselves,  but  he  was 
a  little  concerned  about 
SIMON  and  his  scratcli 
crew  of  pro-shirkers  who 
seemed  to  be  doing  their 
little  best  to  prevent  the 
country  from  getting  men. 


that  it  had  been  tried,  but  that  women 
seemed  to  get  on  the  nerves  of  the 
dogs,  causing  their  hair  to  fall  out. 
The  application  was  refused. 

An  appeal  was  made  on  behalf  of 
George  W.  Hopper  (18),  an  employee 
of  the  West  End  Delicacy  Company, 


stud  at !  a  concern  engaged  in  the  business  of 


He 

the 


THE  ELUSIVE  ONES. 

A  LABGE  number  of 
claims  for  exemption  from 
military  service  were  made 
before  the  Bouverie  Street 
Tribunal  at  its  sittings 
last  week. 

Ike  Peldmann  (23) 
asked  for  exemption  on 
the  ground  that  he  was 
an  agriculturalist  and 
therefore  excused  under 
the  Act.  Questioned  fur- 
ther, he  stated  that  at  the 
present  time  he  was  em- 
ployed in  making  artificial 
onions  for  a  firm  of  Bond 
Street  milliners,  but  his 
uncle,  who  was  wealthy, 
had  promised  to  buy  him 
a  farm  as  soon  as  the 
weather  got  warmer.  His 
application  was  rejected. 

William  Smith  (31) 
stated  that  he  was  the 
President,  Treasurer  and 
Secretary  of  the  Anglo- 
Chinese  Industries  Association,  Limited, 
and  urged  that  unless  he  was  exempted 
the  company  must  inevitably  go  into 
liquidation,  there  being  no  one  else 
familiar  with  its  business.  Answering 
a  question  by  the  Chairman,  applicant 
stated  that  the  company  was  formed  to 
dp  a  general  mercantile  business,  but 
that  at  the  present  time  its  activities 
were  confined  to  manicuring  Pekingese 
pugs.  Asked  whether  this  work  could 
not  be  done  by  women,  applicant  stated 


HAVEN. 

On  the  famous  site  of  The  Star  and  Garter  Hotel  at  Richmond 
Hill,  a  Home  is  to  be  built  for  Soldiers  and  Sailors  totally  disabled  by 
the  War.  The  work  has  been  undertaken  by  the  British  Women's 
Hospital,  and,  on  its  completion,  Her  Majesty  the  Queen  will  present  the 
building  to  the  British  Red  Cross  Society,  by  whom  it  will  be  maintained . 
The  cost  of  construction  will  be  £50,000.  Mr.  Punch  can  think  of  no 
cause  which  should  appeal  more  strongly  to  the  gratitude  of  the  nation 
and  he  begs  his  generous  readers  to  send  gifts  in  aid  of  it  to  The  Hon. 
Treasurer,  "Star  and  Garter"  Building  Fund,  21,  Old  Bond  Street,  W. 


that  Hopper  had  a  wooden  leg  and 
bronchitis.  He  was  put  back  one 
group  to  give  time  for  medical  treat- 
ment of  leg. 

James  Pouks  (19),  who  appeared 
somewhat  dazed  at  his  surroundings, 
explained  in  a  confidential  whisper  that 
he  was  the  caretaker  of  the  municipal 
macaroni  beds  in  Kegent's 
Park.  Asked  if  he  would 
not  like  to  fight  for  his 
country,  he  replied  that 
he  would,  only  MARTIN 
LUTHER  had  appeared  to 
him  in  a  dream  and  ordered 
him  to  go  into  the  dressed 
poultry  business.  Referred 
j  to  the  Medical  authorities. 
Jim  Bounce  (30)  stated 
that  lie  had  a  conscientious 
objection  to  fighting.  He 
didn't  like  the  Germans, 
but  recognised  that  they 
were  his  spiritual  brothers. 
A  Member  of  the  Board. 
Where  did  you  get  that 
cauliflower  ear  ? 

Owing  to  the  unsatis- 
factory nature  of  the  appli- 
cant's reply  his  appeal 
was  refused. 

Arthur  Small  (35),  pro- 
prietor of  a  fish  and  chips 
emporium,  stated  that  he 
was  a  widower  and  the 
sole  support  of  his  mother- 
in-law,  two  married 
sisters-in-law,  their  hus- 
bands and  their  thirteen 
small  children. 

The  Chairman.  It  seems 
a  clear  case  for  exemption. 
Applicant  hastened  to 
explain  that  he  did  not 
ask  for  exemption  as  he 
felt  that  his  first  duty  was 
to  his  country.  He  would 
like,  however,  a  week  in 
which  to  say  good-bye  to 
his  relations  by  marriage. 
The  request  was  granted, 
the  Chairman  stating  that 
the  attitude  of  Small,  who 
was  sacrificing  everything 
for  duty,  did  him  the 
greatest  credit. 


supplying  steak-and-kidney  puddings 
to  the  large  hotels.  These  delicacies,  the 
Secretary  of  the  company  explained, 
weighed  about  a  ton  each,  and  Hopper 
was  the  only  man  who  was  strong 
enough  to  lift  them  out  of  the  ovens 
into  the  delivery  wagon. 

A  Member  of  the  Board.  That  is 
just  the  kind  of  man  they  want  in  the 
army. 

The  Secretary  of  the  company  stated 
as  an  additional  ground  for  exemption 


A  Smooth  Passage. 

"In  the  Lords  Viscount  French  took  his 
sea  but  it  was  a  quiet  affair. " — Morning  Paper. 


"  EMPLOYMENT  as  odd  man  offered  to  a  dis- 
abled soldier  in  a  very  good  gentleman's 
household." — Morning  Paper. 

As  the  above  advertisement  appeared 
several  times  we  are  afraid  the  gentle- 
man must  have  been  regarded  as 
almost  too  good  to  be  true. 


M.Midl   H, 


PUNCIf, 


OR 


'HE   LONDON   CHARIVARI 


173 


Hun';  Manager.  "Now  ri.DAsi;  rxni'RSTAND,  Miss  JONES,  you  MUST  MAKE  TUB  BOOKS  BALANCI:. 
Miss  Jones.  "Os,  MR.  BROWN,  HOW  PUSSY  YOU  ARE  I" 


THE    DUG-OUT   DOMINIE. 

SOMT;  thirty  years  ago  or  more 

He  tried  his  hand  at  gerund-grind- 
ing, 
But  very  speedily  forswore 

The  role  before  its  ties  grew  binding ; 
He  earned  a  living  by  his  pen, 

Paid  court  to  Clio  and  Melpomene, 
Until  tho  War  broke  out,  and  then 

Enlisted — as  a  dug-out  dominie. 

Shortsighted,  undersized  and  weak, 

intolerant  yet  self-distrusting, 
There  could  not  well  have  been  a  "  beak  " 

Less  fitted  for  the  nice  adjusting 
Of  his  peculiar  point  of  view 

To  that  of  forty-odd  years  later, 
Less  eager  to  acclaim  the  New, 

Less    apt   for    Georgian    tastes    to 
cater. 

He  strove,  'tis  true,  to  keep  abreast 

Of  MASEPIELD'S  grim  poetic  frenzy, 
Sought  Truth  in  WELLS,  and  did  his 
best 

To  like  the  Oxford  of  MACKENZIE  ; 
With  YEATS  he  wandered  in  the  Void, 

Tasted  of  SHAW'S  dramatic  jalap, 
Then  turned  with  rapture  unalloyed 

To     DICKENS,     THACKERAY     and 
TBOLLOPE. 


Thus  handicapped,  thus  fortified, 

Behold  him  perilously  faring 
Into  a  world  where  all  are  tried 

By  boyhood's  scrutiny  unsparing ; 
Where  ev'ry  trick  of  gait  or  speech 

Is  most  inexorably  noted, 
And  masters,  more  than  what  they  teach, 

Are  studied,  criticised  and  quoted. 

His  idols  mostly  left  them  cold — 

BAGEHOT,  MATT.  ARNOLD,  SCOTT  and 

MILTON  ; 
But  they  were  quick  in  taking  hold 

Of  PBAED  and  J.  K.  S..and  HILTON; 
And  once  undoubtedly  he  scored 

When,  on  a  day  of  happy  omen, 
Ho  introduced  them  to  A.  WARD, 

The  wisest  of  the  tribe  of  showmen. 

But  still  his  fervours  left  them  calm — 

Emotion  they  considered  freakish ; — 
He  felt  with  many  an  inward  qualm 

That  he  was  thoroughly  un-beakish  ; 
His  mood  perplexed  them  ;  he  was  half 

Provocative,  half  deferential, 
Too  anxious  to  provoke  a  laugh, 

Too  vague  where  logic  was  essential. 

So,  struggling  on  to  bridge  the  gaps 
That  seventeen  froin  sixty  sunder, 

And  causing  at  his  best,  perhaps, 
A  mild  and  intermittent  wonder, 


At  least  he  recognised  the  truth 

That  there  are  other  ways  of  earning 

The  sympathy  of  clear-eyed  youth 
Than  by  a  mere  parade  of  learning. 

And  yet  I  think  his  pupils  may 

In  after  years,  at  camp  or  college, 
Admit  that  in  his  rambling  way 

He  added  to  their  stock  of  knowledge ; 
And,  as  they  ruefully  recall 

His    "  jaws "    on    CLAUSEWITZ    and 

JOMINI, 
On  BALZAC,  HEINE  and  JEAN  PAUL, 

Think  kindly  of  their  dug-out  dominie. 


"  Hide-bound  rod  tape  rules  the  day." 
Sir  F.  MILKER'S  Letter  to  "  The  Times." 

It  is  much  more  effective  than  the 
ordinary  unreinforced  variety. 

A  Happy  Family. 

"  A  milk  deliverer  81  years  of  age,  who  up- 
plied  for  exemption,  said  his  father  was  an 
Atheist,  his  mother  was  '  all  the  other  way 
about,'  and  his  brother  was  a  Socialist,  and  if 
he  \vcnt  away  there  would  be  war  at  home. 
He  considered  that  he  should  stay  at  home  to 
keep  the  peace." — Western  Keening  Herald. 

But  a  merciful  tribunal,  thinking  that 
he  was  more  likely  to  find  it  in  the 
trenches,  only  exempted  him  for  a 
month. 


17-1 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAKIVAKI. 


[MARCH  8,  l'Jl(j. 


THE    NATIONAL    SCAPE-GOAT    ASSOCIATION. 

MY  companion  had  come  into  the  compartment  hurriedly 
just  as  the  train  started.  He  was  a  small,  middle-aged, 
sandy-haired  man  with  a  straggling  tufted  hoard,  the  sort 
of  heard  that  looks  as  if  it  owed  its  origin  rather  to  forget- 
fulness  than  to  any  settled  design.  The  expression  on  his 
face  and,  indeed,  over  his  whole  hody  was  a  deprecating 
one.  He  reminded  me  of  a  dog  who  has  transgressed  and 
hegs  humbly  for  forgiveness.  Ho  had  no  newspaper,  and 
accepted  the  offer  of  one  of  mine  with  a  deference  of  grati- 
tude that  struck  me  as  excessive.  Soon  after  that  we  slid 
into  a  conversation  about  the  War  and  made  most  of  the 
usual  remarks. 

"  It 's  wonderful,"  he  said,  "  how  the  country  maintains 
its  financial  stability.  Five  millions  a  day,  you  know.  It 's 


a  pretty  big  sum,  and  yet  nobody  seems  to  feel  it. 
we  are,  for  instance,  you  and  I,  travelling  first-class." 

"  My  next  season-ticket  is  going 
to  be  third-class,"  I  said.  "  All 
business  has  been  hit  very  hard, 
and  we  've  simply  got  to  econo- 
mise." 

"  I  daresay,  I  daresay,"  he  said. 
"  It  may  be  so  with  some  businesses. 
All  I  know  is  my  business  hasn't 
gone  off." 

"  Shipowner  ?  "  I  said. 

He  gasped  and  shook  his  head 
emphatically.  "  Oh  dear,  no,"  he 
said.  "Nothing  of  that  kind — wish 
I  was.  But  you  won't  guess  what 
I  do,  not  if  I  were  to  let  you  have  a 
thousand  guesses."  His  humility 
had  vanished  and  he  looked  almost 
triumphant. 

"  I  give  it  up  at  once,"  I  said. 
"  What  are  you?  " 

"  I,"  he  said,  "  am  the  National 
Scape-Goat  Association." 

"The  what?"  I  said. 

He  repeated  his  words.  "  I  see 
you  don't  understand,"  he  went  on, 
"  so  perhaps  I  'd  better  explain." 

"  Yes,"  I  said,  "  much  better." 

"Well,' it's  this  way,"  he  said. 
"  Have  you  ever  written  a  book  or 


Here 


you've  got  to  do  is  to  write  to  us,  enclosing  fee.  For 
half-a-guinea  we  send  down  to  any  address  in  England  one 
of  our  exports  from  the  Assault-and-Battery  Department, 
and  you 're  entitled  to  kick  him  once — we  guarantee  him 
boot-proof,  so  you  can  kick  as  hard  as  you  like.  Or,  if  you 
prefer  writing  to  kicking,  you  can  write  to  me  as  if  I  'd 
written  the  anonymous  letter  or  article  or  whatever  it  may 
be,  and  you  can  abuse  me  to  your  heart's  content  for  ha!f- 
a-crown.  For  three  shillings  you  can  call  me  a  pro-German. 
Anyhow,  the  result  is  that  your  temper  recovers  and  you 
feel  perfectly  satisfied.  It 's  well  worth  the  money,  isn't  it  ? 
I  'm  thinking  of  starting  a  Subscriptions'  Department,  to 
which  you  could  write  a  refusal  of  any  application  for 
money,  even  if  you  have  to  subscribe  in  the  end.  It  will 
give  a  man  a  pleasant  glow  to  write  to  a  clergyman,  for 
instance  (I  shall  keep  a  dozen  or  so  on  the  premises),  and 
say  he  11  be  immortally  jiggered  if  ho  11  subscribe  to  the 
Church  Building  Fund.  But  the  anonymous  letter  business 
will  always  be  my  chief  source  of 
profit.  Here  's  our  prospectus,  with 
all  details.  If  you  think  any  more 
of  it  perhaps  you'll  let  me  know. 
I  get  out  here.  Good-bye." 


KAISER  (reading  English  neu>s  of  wood-pulp  re- 
strictions).   "HIMMEL!      THEY'LL    THINK    MOKE 

THAN   ,  EVEB      OF     THEIB     PRECIOUS     '  SCRAPS     OF 
PAPER '  1  " 


Kipling   Revised. 

"lion  of   all   castes  had  rallied  to  the 
Flag,    and   truly   we   had    witnessed    the 
truth   of    what   the   poet   told   us.     '  The 
East  is  West  and  the  West  is  East.'  " 
Surrey  Mirror. 

"Alfred  Billinger  and  Albert  Kobson, 
miners  .  .  .  were  fined  20s.  each  for  tres- 
passing in  search  of  fame." 

Provincial  Paper. 

Well,  now  they  've  got  it. 


been  a  Candidate  for  a  seat  in  the  House  of  Commons  ?  " 
I  said  I  hadn't. 
'  It  doesn't  matter,"  he  said. 


'  You  11  understand  what 


"Ill  the  Metropolitan  Police  District 
the  employment  of  special  constables  has 
resulted  in  a  saving  of  five-eighths  of  a 
penny." — Yorkshire  Evening  Post. 
Very  disappointing !  Not  even  a 
whole  copper. 

From  the  report  of  a  Dairyman's 
Association : — 

"It  further  aims  at  insuring  that  the 
milk-supply  for  the  city  and  district  shall, 
like  Caesar's  wife,  be  beyond  suspicion, 

and  it  therefore  enjoins  on  its  members  the  necessity  for  taking  every 

possible  care  that  the  sanitary  conditions  prevailing  at  the   farms. 

in  the- dairies  and  during  the  transit  of  the  milk  to  the  public  shall 

leave  nothing  to  be  desired.     In  short,  its  motto  is,  in  these  respects, 

'  Nilus  secundus.'" — Hampshire  Chronicle. 

If  they  must  use  water  in  their  milk  we  are  glad  to  think 

that  the  Nile  is  only  their  second  choice. 


I  mean.     Take  the  politician  first.     He  issues  an  Address 

and  makes  speeches;  in  fact,  does  things  which  make  him 

known  to  thousands  of  people  whom  he  doesn't  know.     Do 

you  follow  me?  " 

I  said  I  did.  '-The  Sunday  schools  must  try  to  'wangle' — that  was,  a  project 

"  Well,  then,  somebody  posts  back  his  Election  Address  ]  their  in-to  '  wangle  '—that  was,  to  project  their  in-enlarged  task,  and 

with  '  This  is  pitiful  balderdash  and  most  ungrammatical '   attempt  to  do  what  seemed  impossible."— Provincial  Paper. 


written  plainly  at  the  bottom  of  it.  What  would  be  your 
feelings  if  you  got  a  thing  like  that  ?  "  , 

"  I  shouldn't  like  it,"  I  said. 

"  Of  course  you  wouldn't.  You  'd  want  to  kick  the  writer, 
or  at  the  very  least  you  'd  want  to  write  back  to  him  and 
tell  him  what  you  thought  of  him.  But  you  can't  do  it, 
because  of  course  he  hasn't  signed  his  name  or  given 
any  hint  of  his  address.  It  's  the  same  way  with 
anonymous 


letters   of   abuse.      You  can't   answer  them. 


So  you  're  done.     You  feel  as  if  you  'd  tried  to  walk  up 


We  would  not  go  so  far  as  to  say  impossible,   but   they 
certainlv  seem  to  have  difficulties  ahead. 


"Good  fish,  fruit,  and   rabbit   business   for   sale.     No   opposition 
fish  or  rabbits." — Bolton  Journal. 
It  looks  rather  as  if  the  fruit  might  disagree  with  you. 


a   step    where    there    wasn't    a    step,    and    your   temper 

suffers.      That's    where   the   Association   comes   in.      All !"  Yankee-doodle." 


Under  the  heading,  "Musical  Instruments,  etc.": — 
"AMERICAN  mammoth  bronze  turkey  cockerels,    strong,    healthy, 
grand  stock  birds  ;  20s.  each." — Glasgow  Herald. 

You   should   hear    these   musical   instruments   throw   off 


MARCH  8,  191G.J 


PUNCH,   Oil  TIIK   LONDON   CHARIVAllL 


175 


Sen-ant.  "I  CAN'T  GET  THIS  'EKE  TAIL  LIGHT  TO  BURN,  SIB." 

Country  Doctor.  "  OH,  NEVER  MIND.    WE 'BE  ONLY  GOING  HOME,  AND  I'VE  GOT  THE  CONSTABLE  SAFE  IN  BED  WITH  LUMBAGO." 


OUR    BOOKING-OFFICE. 

(By  Mr.  Punch's  Staff  of  Learned  Clerks.) 

MR.  MAUBICE  HEWLETT'S  latest  volume,  Fret/  and  His 
\Vifc-  (WARD,  LOCK),  suffers  from  the  defect  of  being  in 
reality  a  long  short  story  putted  out  to  the  dimensions  of  a 
short  novel;  and  in  consequence,  even  with  large  type — 
most  grateful  to  the  reviewing  eye;  Heaven  forbid  I  should 
complain  of  that ! — and  a  blank  page  between  each  chapter, 
it  has  considerable  difficulty  in  filling  its  volume.  It  is  a 
talo  of  antique  Iceland  and  Norway.  The  first  part,  which 
is  really  padding  and  has  nothing  whatever  to  do  with 
Frcy  or  his  matrimonial  affairs,  treats  of  one~Ogmimd,  who 
was  called  Ogmnnd  Dint,  for  the  very  good  reason  that  lie 
had  been  literally  dinted  as  to  the  skull.  It  was  done  by  a 
gentleman  named  Halward.  Everybody  naturally  expected 
Oijinitml  to  dint  back ;  but  he  was  something  of  a  conscien- 
tious objector  in  the  matter  of  face-to-faco  dinting,  and 
being  too  proud  for  vulgar  conflict  he  bided  his  time  till  he  • 
could  cut  Hahcard's  throat  with  the  minimum  of  personal 
inconvenience.  End  of  padding  and  appearance  of  Frcy. 
There  is  a  picture  of  Freij  on  the  cover  by  Mr.  MAURICE 
GREIFFENHAOEN.  You  know  already  what  the  GREIFFKN- 
HAdEN  vikings  are  like — high-coloured,  well  developed  and 
(if  I  dare  say  it)  sometimes  a  trifle  wooden.  Frcy  indeed 
looked  so  very  wooden  that  in  my  foolish  ignorance  I  was 
tempted  to  protest.  But  the  astonishing  fact  is  that  Frcy 
was  not  only  wooden  in  appearance,  but  in  actuality.  How 
then  could  he  have  for  wife  a  slip  of  a  sixteen-year-old 
maid  that  you  may  have  met  before  in  Mr  HEWLETT'S 
romances?  This  however  is  the  real  story,  which  (pardon 
me)  I  do  not  mean  to  tell.  If  it  is  no  tremendous  matter, 
it  will  at  least  please  au  idle  hour,  which  will  be  almost 
time  enough  for  you  to  enjoy  every  word  of  it. 


These  Lynnekers  (CASSELL)  is  yet  another  example  of 
the  "  family "  novel  whose  increasing  popularity  I  have 
lately  noticed.  It  is  a  clever  and  interesting  story — the 
name  of  Mr.  J.  D.  BERESFOHD  assured  me  in  advance  that 
it  would  be — and,  when  it  is  finished,  the  characters  go  on 
living  and  speaking  in  one's  mind,  which  is,  I  suppose,  a 
sound  proof  of  their  vitality.  Yet  in  a  sense  vitality  was 
just  what  most  of  the  Lynneker  tribe  chiefly  lacked.  They 
were  an  ancient  and  honourable  house,  country-born  to  the 
third  and  fourth  generation,  and  all  of  them  far  too  con- 
ventional and  apathetic  and  fuss-hating  ever  to  follow  any 
but  the  lino  of  least  resistance.  All  of  them,  that  is,  except 
Dickie,  who  was  the  youngest  of  his  father's  numerous 
progeny,  and  in  more  senses  than  one  a  sport.  How  Dickie 
released  himself  from  the  shackles  of  family  tradition,  how- 
he  grew  up  and  bustled  things  about,  and  generally  made 
a  real  instead  of  a  conventional  success — this  is  the  matter 
of  the  tale.  All  the  characters  are  well-drawn,  and  about 
Dickie  himself  there  is  a  compelling  virility  that  rushes  you 
along  in  his  rather  tempestuous  wake.  I  am  not  sure  that 
I  altogether  believe  in  his  attitude  towards  the  questioji  of 
sex.  He  appeared  to  think  generally  too  little,  and  on 
occasions  remarkably  too  much,  about  it.  Also  the  painful  i 
detail  with  which  the  author  lingers  over  the  death  of  old 
Canon  Lynneker  (that  attractive  and  human  figure  of 
ecclesiastical  gentility)  roused  me  to  resentment.  When  will 
our  novelists  learn  that,  as  regards  the  physical  side  of 
mortality,  reticence  is  by  far  the  better  part  of  realism  ? 
This  marred  a  little  my  pleasure  in  a  story  for  whoso 
quality  and  workmanship  I  should  else  have  nothing  but 
praise. 

In  To  Ritlilebcn—and  Back  (CONSTABLE),  Mr.  GEOFFREY 
PYKE  has  such  a  fine  yarn  to  spin  of  his  foolhardy  proceed- 


176 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  8,  1916. 


ing  in  walking  right  into  the  eagle's  beak  as  correspondent 
for  an  English  newspaper,  at  the  end  of  September,  1914, 
and  (after  some  months'  solitary  confinement  in  Berlin  and 


of  officialdom."  "  We  want  to  see  the  Mayor,"  said  the 
invaders.  "  Lc  Maire  I  C'est  moi !  "  was  the  reply.  "  Then 
kindly  direct  us  to  some  members  of  the  Municipal 


his  transfer  to  the  civilian  prisoners'  miserable  internment !  Council."  "  Lo  Conseil  Municipal .'  C'est  moi  !  "  We  are 
camp  at  Ruhleben)  walking  right  out  of  it  again,  that  one  j  told  that  the  Teutonic  officials  were  amazed — and  no 
can  forgive  him  for  spreading  his  elbows  for  a  piece  of  |  wonder.  But  in  the  end  they  were  forced  to  go  without 
expansive  writing  when  he  was  safe  home.  To  tell  the  the  money,  and  the  town  and  its  defender  were  left  in 
truth  he  writes  extraordinarily  well ;  one's  only  feeling  is  peace-.  I  commend  .-1  Frenchwoman's  Notes  on  tJie  M'/ir  as 
that  the  simplest  idiom  would  be  best  for  such  an  amazing  a  most  inspiriting  record  of  what  women  can  do;  though 
narrative,  and  Mr.  PYKE  is  too  young  and  too  clever  (both  !  the  author  magnanimously  admits  that,  "  for  the  callings  of 
charmingly  venial  faults)  to  write  simply.  When  I  tell  ]  the  coal-heaver  and  the  furniture-remover,"  men,  even  in 


you  that  this  persistent  youngster,  hardly  out  of  his  teens, 
patiently  worked  out  a  plan  of  escape  which  depended  for 
its  efficacy  on  an  optical  illusion  (the  precise  secret  of  which 
lie  does  not  give  away),  and  with  his  friend,  Mr.  EDWARD 


France,  are  still  indispensable. 


For  novels  which  require  a  guide  to  conduct  me  through 
them  I  confess  weariness,  but  in  That  Woman  from  ,l<i,-,i 


FALK,  a  District  Commissioner  from  Nigeria,  part  tramped, !  (HURST  AND  BLACKETT)  I  found  the  glossary  less  fatiguing 
part  bummel-zuggcd  the  two  hundred  and  fifty  miles  or  so  !  than  the  hero.  Things  were  going  badly  for  Mrs.  Hamilton 
from  Euhleben  to  the  Dutch  frontier,  disguised  as  tourists,  iin  the  divorce  ease,  "Hamilton  v.  Hamilton,  co-respondent 
with  a  kit  openly  bought  at  WKKTHKIM'S,  living,  \vhen\King,"  when  the  judge  broke  down.  That  might  have 


marketing  became  too  dan- 
gerous, on  potatoes  and 
other  roots  burglariously- 
digged  from  the  fields  at 
dark,  you  will  gather  that 
this  is  some  adventure.  But 
I  am  afraid  the  publication 
will  not  assist  any  other 
prisoners  at  Euhleben  to  es- 
cape. It  is  pleasant  to  note 
that  the  Commandant  of 
the  Camp,  VON  TAUBE,  was 
a  sportsman  and  none  too 
thickly  tarred  with  the 
brush  of  Prussian  efficiency ; 
and  that  the  Governor, 
GRAF  SCHWERIN,  threatened 
resignation  if  a  no-smoking 
order,  sent  from  head- 
quarters, were  insisted  on. 
Indeed,  the  fact  that  our 
young  friend  was  not  shot 
out  of  hand  must  stand  as 
a  small  entry  on  the  credit 
side,  not  inconveniently  crowded,  of  Prussia's  account  in 
the  recording  angel's  ledger. 


In  A  Frenchwoman's  Notes  on  the  War  (CONSTABLE) 
Mademoiselle  CLAIRE  DE  PRATZ  discourses  pleasantly  and 
patriotically  of  sundry  effects  of  the  War  on  French  life 
and  character.  She  is  excusably  proud  of  the  part  which 
her  fellow-countrywomen  have  played.  The  women  of 
France  seem  to  have  accomplished  to  admiration  what  we 
in  England  are  only  beginning  to  understand.  Quietly, 
almost  automatically,  Frenchwomen  have  slipped  into  the 
men's  vacant  places  and  earned  on  the  work  of  the  country. 
The  industry  and  resourcefulness  of  the  average  French- 
woman are  proverbial,  but  the  author  ascribes  the  peculiar 
readiness  they  have  displayed  at  the  present  time  largely 
to  compulsory  military  service,  as  well  as  to  the  French- 
man's habit  of  discussing  his  work  with  his  wife  and 
daughters  and  awakening  their  interest  in  it.  Thus, 
when  the  local  paperhanger  was  called  to  the  colours  his 
wife  repapered  the  author's  country  cottage  "  quite  as 
efficiently";  and  thrilling  indeed  is  the  account  of  the 
gallantry  of  one  intrepid  woman  who,  when  the  German 
Staff  entered  an  important  town  (from  which  the  Mayor 
and  Municipal  Council  had  fled),  resisted  their  demand  for 
a  large  war  ransom.  Widow  of  a  former  Senator  of  the 
Department,  she  "  alone  remained,  the  sole  representative 


happened  to  any  judge,  but, 
although  I  can  follow  the 
judicial  Bruce  quite  easily 
to  his  sick  bed,  I  cannot 
believe  that  he  would,  on 
his  recovery,  have  refrained 
from  finding  out  how  the 
case  ended.  Apparently  be- 
ing in  love  with  ,l/r.sr. 
Hamilton,  he  did  not  dare 
to  enquire  what  happened  ; 
but  a  more  plausible  ex- 
planation of  his  unenter- 
prising conduct  seems  to 
be  that  lie  had  only  .to 
act  like  an  ordinary  man 
and  the  rather  sandy 
foundations  on  which  E. 
HARDINOHAM  QUINN'S  story 
are  built  would  have  col- 
lapsed. Here  in  fact  we 
have  a  tale  in  which  the 
main  complications  are 
by  the  characters 
behaving  with  a  total  lack  of  what  the  Americans  call 
horse-sense.  But  if  you  can  get  by  this  difficulty  you  will 
admire,  as  I  did,  the  reticence  with  which  the  troubles  of 
the  much  misunderstood  heroine  are  told,  and  also  admit 
that  the  colour  of  Java  has  been  vividly  conveyed. 


A  PEACE  WEDDING. 

UNIQUE  SOCIAL  FUNCTION  WHICH  TOOK  PLACE  AT  LITTLE  PUDDLE- 
THORPE,  HEBTS,  LAST  WEEK. 
_  caused 


Save  the  Mark! 
Germany's  last  word: — 

"  KrifgsvermoegenszittracltsiilfHertje.'ictz." 

And  a  very  pretty  word  too.  But  it  does  not  surprise  us 
to  learn  from  the  German  Press  that  the  Legislature  will 
probably  have  to  devote  at  least  three  weeks  to  the 
discussion  of  the  subject  which  it  defines. 


From  a  book  catalogue : — 

"  The  Royal  Marriage  Market  of  Europe.     By  Princess  Badziwill. 
With  eight  half-ton  illustrations." 

It  is  thought  that  these  must  be  portraits  of  German 
princesses  taken  before  the  War  had  deprived  them  of  their 
usual  supply  of  butter. 


"ABTIST,  Academy  Exhibitor,  paints  gentlemen's  residences." 

Sunday  Paper. 

Another  result,  no  doubt,  of   the  exigencies  of  War,  but 
rather  hard  on  the  ordinary  house-decorator. 


MARCH  15,  1916.] 


PUNCH,  Oil   TIIK   LONDON    CHAIII VAI.T. 


177 


CHARIVARIA. 

'I'm:  /c))|)clin  which  was  "  winged  " 
while  living  over  Kent  last  week  has 
BOt  yet  been  found,  and  is  believed  tn 
he  still  in  hiding  in  the  densely  woe  ded 
country  bet  \\een  Maidstone  and  Ash- 
ford.  Continuation  of  this  report  is 
supplied  by  a  local  farmer,  who  states 
that  on  three  successive,  nights  the 
cat's  supper  has  been  stolen  from  his 
scullery  steps.  This  strange  circum- 
stance, considered  in  th<;  light  of  the 
(iermiins'  inordinate  passion  for  (tats' 
meat,  has  gone  far  to  satisfy  the  autho- 
rities that  the  capture  of  the  crippled 
monster  is  only  a  question  of  time. 

:;:     :!: 

Mr.  VV'IM.IAM  Ai id),  in  a  lecture  upon 
"  Health,  Disease  and  Economical  Liv- 
ing," insisted  that  we  should  all  bo 
much  healthier  if  wo  lived  on  "rabbit 
food."  Possibly  ;  but  the  vital  question 
is — would  not  this  diet  induce  in  us 
a  tendency  to  become  conscientious 
objectors  '.'  ...  * 

"  It  is  most  necessary,"  stated  a 
Manchester  economics  expert  last  week, 
"that  the  Government  should  release 
more  beef  for  civilian  needs."  Yet  a 
cursory  view  of  the  work  done  by  the 
military  tribunals  seems  to  indicate 
that  they  are  releasing  altogether  too 

much.  #  ^ 

#^~ 

A   Chertsey   pig -breeder    bas    been 

granted  total  exemption.     The  pen,  it 
seems,  is  still  mightier  than  the  sword. 

Some  slight  irritation  bas  been 
caused  by  the  announcement  of  Sir 
Ai-KKi'.n  KROGH  that  Naval  men  en- 
ga.ued  on  the  home  service  cannct  bo 
supplied  with  false  teeth  at  the  expense 
of  the  Government.  Nevertheless  we 
may  rest  assured  that,  come  what  may, 
tho-,0  gallant  fellows  will  uphold  the 
traditions  of  the  Navy  and  stick  to 
their  gums.  ...  ... 

For  many  days  past  the  condition 
of  our  streets  has  been  really  lament- 
able owing  to  the  fact  that  so  many 
of  our  crossing-sweepers  are  serving 
with  the  colours:  and  a  painful  rep.Tt 
•ing  about  that  the  Government's 
object  in  recognizing  the  V.  T.  C.  is  at 

last  becoming  apparent. 
*   :;; 

A  prehistoric  elephant  has  recently 

hern  dUeo\nvd  at  Chatham  and  is 
now  mounted  in  the  Hrilish  Museum. 
In  paheonfological  circles  the  report 
that  the  monster's  death  was  occa- 
sioned by  the  consumption  of  too 
much  seed-cake  is  regarded  as  going 
far  to  prove  that  our  neolithic  ancestors 
were  not  without  their  sentimental  side. 


Mixlress.  "WELL,  JONES,  I  noi'i:  WE  SHALL  GET  MOHE  cur  OP  TUT.  HARDEN  THIS 

YEAR.      WE   HAD  NEXT  TO   NOTHING   LAST   YEAR." 

Jones.  "Ay — 'TWERE  THEY  PLAGUEY  PHEASANTS  'AD  MOST  ON  IT  LAST  YEAR." 
Mix/ress.  "  IP  YOU  ASK  ME,  I  SHOULD  SAY  IT  WAS  nro-;.;.<.<./.;i  PHEASANTS  1  " 


From  a  Parliamentary  report:  "Jn 
j  bis  reply  Mr.  Asquitb  stated  that  the 
'  Peace  Book '   which  was  being   pre- 
pared to  meet  problems  which  would 
arise  after  the  War  corresponded  with 
i  the  '  War  Book  '  which  was  compiled 
!  years  ago  in  anticipation  of  the   War." 
This  ought  to  put  heart  into  the  enemy. 

The   Court   of   Appeal    bas   decided 
that  infants  are  liable  to  pay  income 
tax.      It    is   reported    that    Sir    JOHN  j 
SIMON  is  preparing  a  stinging  remon- 


of  other  Y'oung  Turks  have  indefinitely- 
postponed  their  next  birthdays. 
••:••   * 

* 

Up  to  the  moment  of  writing  there 
has  been  no  confirmation  of  the  report 
that  Turkey  has  given  her  consent  to 
the  making  of  a  separate  peace  by 
Germany  on  account  of  the  economic 
exhaustion  of  the  latter  country. 


strance. 


,;.      .,. 


The   Turkish    New    Year    lias   been 
officially  postponed  so  as  to  begin  on 
March  14th,  instead  of  on  March  1st,  ' 
as  before1.     This  simple  but  satisfactory 
method  of  prolonging  the  existence  of 
a  moi  ilmnd  empire  has  proved  j-'O  sue-1 
I  cessful  that  KNVK.H  PASHA  and  a  number 


Extract    from    letter   to    Tlic    West: 

minster  (lazclte : — 

"  '  M.D.'  cannot  have  studied  dietetics,  or 
ho  would  know  that  far  greater  strength  and 
endurance  arc  produced  by  a  fruit  and  herb 
diet  than  by  what  is  termed  a  '  mixed  diet,' 
e.g.,  the  elephant,  the  horse  and  tho  gorilla.'' 

In  the  circumstances  it  is  fortunate 
that  the  scarcity  of  gorillas  puts  them 
out  of  the  reach  of  all  but  millionaire 


178 


PUNCH,  OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH    15,    1916. 


ANSWERS   TO   CORRESPONDENTS. 

"  HOUSE  MARINE." — You  say  you  arc 
intrigued  about  The  Erenin/j  News 
poster,  which  announced 

"  ASQUITH    ON    A    MORATORIUM," 

and  you  are  curious  to  know  more 
about  this  animal.  We  have  pleasure 
in  informing  you  that  it  is  distantly  re- 
lated to  the  megatherium,  and,  since 
the  extinction  of  the  latter,  has  been 
very  generally  used  for  hack  purposes. 
The  PREMIER  may  be  seen  any  morning 
in  the  Park  taking  a  canter  on  one  of 
these  superb  mammals. 

"  WINSTONIAN." — The  rumour  that 
Colonel  the  late  First  Lord  of  the 
Admiralty  has  offered  himself  the 
command  of  a  mine-sweeper  or,  alter- 
natively, of  a  platoon  in  the  1/100 
battalion  of  the  Chilterns,  lacks  con- 
firmation. 

"PEER  OF  THE  BEALM." — We  agree 
with  you  in  regretting  that  Lord  FISHER 
was  unable  to  accept  Lord  BERESFORD'S 
invitation  to  come  and  hear  him  speak 
in  your  House  about  the  Downing 
Street  sandwiclnnen  and  other  collateral 
subjects  arising  out  of  the  Air  Service 
debate.  You  will  be  glad  however  to 
know  that  Lord  FISHKR'S  absence  was 
not  due  to  indisposition,  but  to  a  pre- 
vious engagement  to  take  tea  on  the 
Terrace  with  Mr.  BALFOUR. 

"  A  LOVER  OF  THE  ANTIQUE." — Your 
idea  of  making  a  collection  of  ante- 
bellum fetishes  is  a  happy  one.  Ex- 
amples of  the  Little  Navy  and  Voluntary 
System  fetishes  are  now  rather  rare,  but 
you  should  have  no  difficulty  in  securing 
a  well-preserved  specimen  of  the  Free 
Trade  fetish  at  the  old  emporium  of 
antiquities  kept  by  the  firm  of  John 
Simon  and  Co. 

"  A  SINGLE  MAN." — When  you  say 
that  you  are  forty  years  old,  that  you 
have  practically  built  up  a  business 
which  will  be  ruined  if  you  leave  it, 
that  you  are  the  sole  support  of  a  step- 
mother and  a  family  of  young  half- 
brothers  and  sisters,  but  that  you  have 
felt  it  your  duty  to  attest  without 
appealing  for  exemption,  we  applaud 
your  patriotism.  But,  when  you  go  on 
to  complain  that  your  neighbour,  agod 
twenty-two,  living  in  idleness  on  an 
allowance,  and  married  to  a  chorus-girl 
still  in  her  teens  and  childless,  should 
be  free  to  decline  service  if  he  chooses 
(as  he  does),  we  cannot  but  disapprove 
of  your  irreverent  and  almost  immoral 
attitude  towards  the  holy  condition  of 
matrimony.  If  the  tie  of  wedlock  is 
not  to  take  precedence  of  every  other 
tie,  including  that  of  country,  where 
are  we  ? 

"A    CRY    FROM    MACEDONIA."  —  In 


answer  to  your  question  as  to  when  we  | 
think   it   likely  that   tbo  KAISER   will ' 
take  advantage  of  his  recently-conferred 
commission  in  the  Bulgarian  Army  and 
lead  his  regiment  against  Salonika,  we 
are  unable  to  fix  a  date  for  this  move- 
ment.    Our  private  information  is  that 
he  is  detained  elsewhere  by  a  previous 
engagement  which  is  taking  up  more 
time  than  was  anticipated. 

"  BULGAR."-  — We  sympathise  with 
you  in  your  natural  desire  to  have 
your  TSAR  FERDINAND  home  again, 
and  we  share  your  sanguine  belief  that 
the  tonic  air  of  Sofia  (never  more 
bracing  than  at  the  present  moment) 
ought  speedily  to  cure  him  of  his  malig- 
nant catarrh.  His  Austrian  physicians 
however  advise  him  to  remain  away, 
and  he  himself  holds  the  view,  coloured 
a  little  by  superstition,  that  his  return 
should  be  at  least  postponed  till  after 
the  Ides  of  March,  a  day  that  was  fatal 
to  the  health  of  an  earlier  Ca>sar. 

"  YOUNG  TURK."  —  Your  anxiety 
about  ENVER  PASHA  is  groundless.  The 
news  that  he  has  been  recently  seen  at 
the  PROPHET'S  Tomb  at  Medina  con- 
veyed no  indication  that  the  object  of 
his  visit  was  to  select  a  neighbouring 
site  for  his  own  burial.  Indeed,  our 
information  is  that  since  his  recant 
assassination  (as  reported  from  Athens) 
be  has  been  going  on  quite  as  well  as 
could  be  expected.  0.  S. 


BUILDING  WITHOUT  TEARS. 

THE  enthralling  correspondence  in 
the  columns  of  our  contemporary,  Tltc 
Spectator,  on  the  subject  of  cheap  cot- 
tages and  how  to  build  them,  has 
evoked  a  vast  amount  of  correspondence 
addressed  directly  to  us.  We  select  a 
few  specimens  which  are  recommended 
by  their  practical  and  businesslike 
character : — 

THE  MERITS  OF  "Posn." 

DEAR  SIR, — The  question  of  Land 
Settlement  after  the  War  resolves  itself 
in  the  last  resort  into  the  employment 
of  cheaper  methods  of  cottage  building. 
Will  you  allow  me  to  put  in  a  word  for 
the  revival,  in  the  neighbourhood  of  the 
sea,  of  the  old  Suffolk  p]an  of  building 
with  what  is  locally  known  as  "posh," 
after  the  name  of  the  original  inventor, 
who  was  an  ancestor  of  FITZGERALD'S 
friend.  "Posh"  is  a  mixture  of  old 
boots — of  which  a  practically  unlimited 
supply  can  be  found  on  the  beaches  cf 
seaside  resorts — and  seaweed,  boiled 
into  a  jelly,  allowed  to  solidify,  and  then 
frozen  hard  in  cold  storage.  "Posh" 
is  not  only  (1)  impenetrable  but  also 
(2)  hygienic,  the  iodine  in  the  seaweed 
lending  it  a  peculiarly  antiseptic  quality, 


and  (3)  picturesque,  the  colour  of  the 
compound  being  a  dark  purple,  which 
is  exceedingly  pleasing  to  the  eye. 
Lastly,  the  cost  of  production  is  slight, 
as  the  raw  material  can  be  obtained  for 
nothing,  and  the  compound  can  be 
sawn  into  blocks  or  bricks  to  suit  the 
taste  of  the  tenant.  I  am  convinced 
that  cottages  of  "posh"  could  be  built 
for  less  than  a  hundred  pounds  a-piece  ; 
and  at  that  figure  cheap  housing  be- 
comes a  practical  proposition. 

I  am,  Sir,  yours  faithfully, 

DF.CIMUS  DEXTER. 

"  STOOTING  "  AND  "  MARMASH." 

DEAR  SIR, — The  choice  of  material 
matters  little  so  long  as  it  is  properly 
treated.  Any  sort  of  earth  will  do,  or, 
failing  earth,  a  mixture  of  ashes  with 
a  little  mustard  and  marmalade,  the 
waste  of  which  in  most  households  is 
prodigious.  But  it  must  be  properly 
pounded  and  allowed  to  set  in  a  frame. 
For  the  former  process  there  is  no  better 
implement  than  the  old  Gloucestershire 
stoot,  or  stooting-mallet,  or  in  the  alter- 
native a  disused  niblick.  The  earth, 
or  the  "ruarmash"  mixture,  as  1  have 
christened  it,  should  be  poured  into  a 
bantle-frame — which  can  be  made  by 
any  village  carpenter — and  vigorously 
pounded  for  about  three  hours.  Then 
another  bantle-frame  is  placed  on  the 
first,  and  the  process  is  repeated.  No 
foundation  is  required  for  walls  erected 
by  the  plan  of  stooting,  but  a  damp- 
course  of  mulpin  is  advisable,  and 
it  is  always  best  to  pingle  the  door- 
jambs,  and  binge  up  the  rafters  with 
a  crnmping-block. 

I  am,  Sir,  yours  obediently, 

MUNGO  STALLIHIMSS. 

THE   BEAUTY   OF   "  BAP." 

DEAR  SIR, — When  I  was  an  under- 
graduate at  Balliol  more  years  ago 
than  I  care  to  remember,  1  not  only 
took  part  in  the  road-making  expeii- 
ment  carried  out  under  Rush  IN  's  super-' 
vision,  but  assisted  in  the  erection  of  a 
model  cottage,  the  walls  of  which  were 
made  of  "  bap,"  a  compound  which  is 
still  used  in  parts  of  Worcestershire. 
The  receipt  is  very  simple.  You  mix 
clinkers,  wampum  and  spelf  in  equal 
quantities  and  condense  the  com- 
pound by  hydraulic  pressure.  I  have 
a  well-trained  hydraulic  ram  who  is 
capable  of  condensing  enough  "  bap  " 
in  twenty-four  hours  to  provide  the 
materials  for  building  six  four-roomed 
cottages.  I  am  sorry  to  say  that  the 
"  bap  "  cottage  at  Hinksey  was  washed 
away  by  a  fio'jd  a  few  years  ago,  and 
the  spot  where  it  stood  is  no  longer 
identifiable.  But  the  facts  are  as  I 
have  stated  them. 

Truly  yours,      EOLAXD  PKIHSON. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON   CIIAKI VAR1.     M  \IKII   15,   li)l(i. 


THE   JUNIOR   PARTNERS. 

FERDIE.  "THINGS    SEEM    TO    BE    AT    A    STANDSTILL    IN    MY    DEPARTMENT." 
SULTAN.  "I    ONLY    WISH    I    COULD    SAY    THE    SAME    OF    MINE." 


180 


PUNCH,  OR   TIIK   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[M.uicH  15,  191G. 


AT    THE    FRONT. 


Wlien   sve  had  been   thus  "  rested  " 
for   some  days  we  went  and  took  over 

I    WONDER    if    the   chap    who   first   a  nice  new  line,  with  lots  of  funny  hits 
thought  out  this  shell  business  realized  ,  in  it.     The  front  line  had  three  bits, 
the     extraordinary     inconvenience     it 
cause    to    gentlemen    at    rest 


what  the  Photographic  Press 


would 
during 

alludes  to  as  "  a  lull  in  the  fighting. " 

Once  upon  a  time  billets  were  billets. 
You  came  into  such,  and  thereafter  for 


Left  sector — Mine  (exploded;  pos- 
sibly held  by  Bosch  on  far  side). 

Central  sector — Mine?  (unexploded  ; 
not  held  by  Bosch  anywhere). 

Jlii/lit  sector — Mine  (exploded  ;  pos- 
sibly held  by  Bosch  on  far  side). 


a  spell  of  days  forgot  about  the  War  [  Our  position  seemed  a  little  problem  - 
unless  you  got  an  odd  shell  into  the  atical.  The  left  and  right  we  satisfied 
kitchen.  But  now — well,  about  noon  ourselves  about  at  once,  but  the  centre 
on  the  first  day's  rest,  seven! \ 
odd  batteries  of  our  12, 16,  and 
24  inch  guns  set  about  their 
daily  task  of  touching  up  a 
selected  target,  say  a  sap-head 
or  something  new  from  Unter 
den  Linden  in  spring  barbed- 
wirings  which  has  been  puz- 
xlirg  a  patrol.  This  is  all 
right  in  its  way  ;  but  the  Hun 
still  owns  one  or  two  guns 
opposite  us.  And  by  12.5  all 
is  unquiet  on  the  Western 
Front.  This  is  all  right  in  its 
way  ;  but  about  3  P.M.  the  Hun 
is  I'oused  to  the  depths  of  his 
savage  nature,  and  one  wakes 
up  to  find  Hildebrand  and  Hof- 
felbuster,  the  two  guns  told 
off  to  attend  to  our  liberty 
area,  scattering  missiles  far 
and  wide,  but  mostly  wide, 
and  a  covey  of  aeroplanes 
bombing  the  local  cabbageries. 
This  again  is  all  right  in  its 
way,  but  in  the  meantime  the 
mutual  noise  further  up  the 
line  has  become  so  loud  that 
Someone  very  far  back  and 
high  up  catches  the  echo  of  it, 
and  a  bare  hour  later  we  re- 
csive  the  order  to  stand-to  at 
once,  ready  to  move  off  twenty 
minutes  ago. 


Within  three  minutes  of  our 
first  stand-to  I  was  up  with 
the  company,  hastily  but  ade- 
quately mobilized  with  my 
servant's  rifle,  five  smoke  helmets, 
(I  took  all  I  could  see ;  this  is 
camaraderie),  a  biscuit,  the  Indispen- 
sable Military  Pocket  Book  (8  in. 
by  10  in.),  a  revolver  (disqualified  for 
military  uses  owing  to  absence  of 
ammunition),  Russian  Picture  Tales, 
and  a  tooth-brush.  I  find  a  general 
opinion  prevalent  in  the  company  that 
"  if  Fritz  knew  we  was  standing-to  'e  'd 
pack  in."  Word  must  have  come 
through  to  Fritz  somehow,  for  he 
shortly  packs  in — say  about  1  A.M. — 
and  we  follow  suit  after  the  news  has 
spent  a  couple  or  hours  or  so  flashing 
round  the  wires  in  search  of  us.  And 
we  go  to  sleep  until  to-morrow  mid- 
day, when  the  day's  play  begins  again. 


First  Tommy.  "THE  C.O. 's  RECOMMENDED  YOU  FOB 
Xmmil    Tommy   (half  asleep   and    thinking  nf  C.B.) 
WHAT  'AVE  I  DONE  NOW?" 

was  in  a  class  by  itself.  We  demanded 
an  investigate  r,  somebody  with  wide 
mine-sweeping  experience  preferred. 

About  2  A.M.  on  our  first  day  in, 
a  figure  loomed  up  through  a  snow- 
storm from  the  back  of  the  central 
trench  and  asked  forlornly  if  there 
might  ke  any  mines  hereabouts.  We 
admitted  there  might  be,  or  again  there 
might  not.  He  questioned  us  pre- 
cisely where  it  was  suspected,  and  we 
told  him  "underneath."  He  scratched 
his  head  and  announced  that  he  was 
sent  to  look  for  it.  His  qualifications 
consisted  apparently  in  his  having 
coal-mined.  But  he  seemed  confident 
of  detecting  the  quicker  combustion 
sort,  until  he  asked  for  necessary  im- 


pedimenta.  It  seems  that  no  good 
collier  can  detect  an  H.E.  or  any  sort 
of  mine  without  a  pail  of  water,  and 
a  hole  about  2,000  feet  deep,  and  a 
pulley,  and  a  rope  ladder  and  a  brat- 
ting-slat. 

It's  true  we  had  some  good  holes 
in  parts  of  the  trench,  where  you 
probably  go  down  2,000  feet  if  you 
step  oil  the  footboards,  and  the  rest  of 
the  stuff  we  might  have  contrived  to 
improvise.  But  for  the  moment  we 
had  somehow  run  clean  out  of  brat- 
ting-slats. 

So  wo  had  to  return  the 
poor  fellow  with  a  request 
that  all  experts  should  he 
c  unpk'ted  with  bratting-slats 
before  being  sent  to  the  front 
line.  This  request  only  pro- 
duced the  senseless  interrog- 
ation, "  What  in  a  bratting- 
slat  ?"  to  which  we  have  not 
yet  bothered  to  reply.  In  the 
meantime  if  we  are  really  sit- 
ting on  a  mine  it  seems  quite 
a  tame  one.  It  hasn't  as  much 
as  barked  yet. 

Just  in  our  hit  we  aren't 
very  well  off  for  dug-outs  ;  it 
isn't  really  what  you  'd  call  a 
representative  sector  from  any 
point  of  view.  But  during  a 
blizzard  the  other  night  a 
messenger  who  had  mislaid 
himself  took  us  for  a  serious 
trench.  He  made  his  way 
along,  looking  to  right  and  left 
for  some  seat  of  authority 
until  he  came  to  a  hole  in  the 
parados,  two  feet  by  one, 
where  some  fortunate  fellow 
had  ejected  an  ammunition 
box  and  was  attempting  to  boil 
water  on  a  night-light.  The 
messenger  bent  low  and  asked 
huskily — 

"Is 'this  'ere  comp'ny  'ed- 
quarters  ?  " 

The  water-boiler  looked  up. 
"No,"  he  replied,  "  it  ain't. 
It  's  G.H.Q.,  but  DUGGIE  'Aid  ain't  at 
'ome  to  no  one  this  evenin'." 


A  V.C.- 

,      "OH 


"  GERMANS'   TEURIHLK    I.OSSF.S. 
WHOLE  CORPS  WIPED  OCT. 
BY  LOKP  NoiiTucr.iFFi:." 

lielfavt  -Vc/r.s  Letter. 

Yet,  with  commendable  modesty,  his 
lordship  said  nothing  about  this  in  his 
recent  despatch. 

The  Jhiilij  \eiry  reports  the  case  of 
a  conscientious  objector  at  York  who 
said  he  could  not  take  life — he  "would 
not  even  eat  an  egg."  We  ourselves 
have  conscientious  objections  to  that 
sort  of  egg. 


PUNCH, 


OB 


TIIK    LONDON    ClIAIMVAIU. 


OFFICERS'    INSTRUCTION    CLASS. 

First  Boy.  "I  SAY,  YOUR  DAD  SEEMS  TO  BE  CEITINO  IT  PRETTY  HOT." 
Second  Boy.  "WELL,  YOU  SEE,  THIS  is  HIS  FIRST  WAR." 


TO  THE   KING   OF   SPAIN. 

YOUK  MAJESTY,  There  is  a  little  village  j 
in  England  nestling  among  wooded  j 
bills.  It  has  sent  forth  its  bravest  and 
best  from  cottage  and  farm  and  manor- 
house  to  light  for  truth  and  liberty  and 
justice.  The  news  of  grievous  wounds 
and  still  more  grievous  deaths,  of  men 
missing  and  captured,  comes  often  to 
that  quiet  hamlet,  and  the  roll  of 
honour  in  the  little  grey  stone  church 
grows  longer  and  longer.  In  the  big 
house  on  the  hill,  at  sunrise  and  at 
sunset,  the  young  Lady  of  the  Manor 
stands  at  the  bedside  of  her  little  son, 
and  hears  him  lisp  bis  simple  prayers 
to  God,  and  they  always  end  like 
this  :— 

"  And  God  bless  Father  and  Mother 
and  Nurse,  and  send  Father  back  soon 
from  his  howwid  prison  in  Germany. 
And  God  bless  'specially  the  dear  King 
of  SPAIN,  who  found  out  about  Father. 
Amen." 

The  kings  of  the  earth  have  many 
priceless  possessions ;  they  are  able  to 
confer  upon  each  other  various  glitter- 
ing orders  of  merit  and  distinction; 
but  we  doubt  if  any  one  of  them  has  a 


dearer  possession  or  a  more  genuine 
order. of  merit  than  this  simple  prayer 
of  faith  and  gratitude  offered  at  sunrise 
and  at  sunset  on  behalf  of  Your  Majesty 
by  the  bedside  of  a  little  English  child. 


Tin-.  OLD  SOLDIER. 
BY  A  "  TEMPORARY  "  SUB. 

THERE   are   some   men — and   such  is 

Jones — 

Who  love  to  vent  their  antique  spleens 
On  any  subaltern  that  owns 
He 's  not  a  soldier  in  his  bones 

(I'm  not,  by  any  means) : 
Who  fiercely  watch  us  drill  our  men 
And  tell  us  things  were  different  when 
(In,  I  imagine,  1810) 

They  joined  the  Blue  Marines. 

I  like  them  not,  yet  I  affect 
That  air  of  awed  humility 
Which  I  should  certainly  expect, 
If  I  were  old  and  medal-deck'd, 

From  young  men  under  me ; 
But  when   they  bint   their  wondrous 

wit 

Is  what  has  made  them  feel  so  lit 
To  do  their  military  bit, 

I  simply  can't  agree. 


I  said  to  Jones — or  should  have  said 

But  feared  the  Articles  of  War — 
"  You  must  not  think  you  have  a  head 
Because  you  know  from  A  to  Z 

This  military  lore, 
By  years  of  study  slowly  gat 
(And  somewhat  out-of-date  at  that), 
When  lo,  I  had  the  whole  thing  pat 

In  six  small  months — not  more." 

Maybe  the  mystic  art  appals 

Unlearned  souls  of  low  degrees, 
But    men   to   whom    the    high    Muse 

calls, 
Men  who  are  good  enough  for  Smalls, 

Imbibe  it  all  with  ease ; 
While  where  would  Jones,  I  wonder, 

be 

If  someone  took  the  man  for  me 
And  asked  him  for  some  j  fit  d'enpnl, 
A  few  bright  lines  (like  these)  ? 

Possibly  Jones  will  one  day  tire 

Of  fours  and  fights  and  iron  shards, 
Will  seize  his  pencil  and  aspire 
To  court  the  Muse  and  match  the  fire 

Of  us  poetic  cards  ; 
Then  I  shall  mock  his  meagre  strain 
And  gaily  make  the  moral  plain, 
How  barren  is  the  soldier's  brain 
Compared  with  any  bard's. 


182 


PUNCH,   Oil   TILE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


15,  1910. 


A   QUESTION    OF   THE    NUDE. 

THEY  scrambled  into  the  carriage  in 
a  tremendous  hurry,  all  talking  at 
onco  at  the  tops  of  their  voices,  all  very 
excited  and  very  dirty.  They  had  mud 
on  their  boots  which  had  evidently 
come  from  France,  and  their  overcoats  ' 
had  that  rumpled  appearance  which 
distinguishes  overcoats  from  the  Front 
from  those  merely  in  training. 

There  seemed  to  ho  about  ten  of ' 
them  as  they  got  into  the  train,  hut 
when  they  had  deposited  various  objects 
on  the  rack,  such  as  rides,  haversacks, 
and  kit-bags  like  partially  deflated  air- 
ships, the  number  resolved  itself  into 
three. 

The  compartment  already  contained 
— besides  myself — a  naval  warrant 
officer,  reading  Freckles  with  a 
sentimental  expression,  and  a  large 
leading  seaman  with  hands  like  small 
hams  and  a  peaceful  smile  like  a  jade 
Buddha.  It  said  "  II.M.S.  Hedgehog  " 
round  his  cap,  but  when  I  ventured  to 
remark  that  I  once  in  peace-time  saw 
and  visited  that  vessel  he  observed  with 
indifference  that  "  cap  -  ribbons  was 
nothin'  to  go  by  these  days  ;  point  o' 
fact,  ho  never  see  that  there  ship  in 
his  puff."  Otherwise  they  maintained 
that  deep  and  significant  silence  which 
wo  have  learned  to  associate  with  our 
Navy. 

The  Tommies,  however,  were  in  very 
talkative  vein.  "  Now,"  I  thought,  "  I 
shall  doubtless  hear  some  real  soldiers' 
stories  of  the  War,  even  as  the  news- 
paper men  hear  them  and  reproduce 
them  in  the  daily  prints :  the  crash  of 
the  artillery,  the  wild  excitement  of 
battle  —  in  short,  the  Eeal  Thing.  .  .  ." 
A  momentous  question  had  evidently 
been  under  discussion  when  they  en- 
tered the  train,  and  as  soon  as  they  were 
settled  in  their  seats  they  resumed  it. 

"  Wot  I  want  to  know  is,"  said  the 
largest  of  the  three,  a  big  man  with  a 
very  square  face  and  blue  eyes, — "  wot 
I  want  to  know  is — is  that  there  feller 
to  go  walkin'  about  naked  ? "  The 
last  word  was  pronounced  as  a  mono- 
syllable. 

lie  sst  his  fists  squarely  on  his 
knees  and  glared  around  him  with  a 
challenging  expression. 

"  No,  it  's  agin  the  law,"  said  a  small 
man  with  a  very  hoarse  voice. 

"  Course  it  is,"  rejoined  the  other. 
"  Well,  wot 's  the  feller  to  do  ?  That 's 
wot  I  ast  you.  If  'e  walks  about 
naked,  well,  'e  gets  toolc  up  for  bein' 
naked  ;  if  'e  doesn't,  why,  'e  gets  'ad 
for  not  returnin'  'is  uniform." 

He  looked  round  again  and  decided 

to  take  the  rast  of  us  into  consultation. 

"This    'ore's    'ow    it    stands — see? 

'Ere  's  a  feller  got  the  mitten  along  o' 


not  bein'  able  to  march,  through  gettin' 
shot  in  the  leg.  'E  goes  'ome  pendin' 
'is  (//.s'chargc,  an'  o'  course  'o  walks 
about  in  'is  uniform.  Then  'c  gets  'is 
discharge,  an'  they  tells  'im  to  return 
'is  kar-kee  an'  small  kit — 

"  An'  small  kit '.'  "  burst  out  the  third 
member  of  the  party  indignantly — a 
sprightly  youth  with  a  very 'short  tunic 
and  a  pert  expression.  "  Do  they  want 
you  to  return  your  small  kit  when  you 
get  the  mitten  ?  Watch  me  returnin' 
mine,  that 's  all!  " 

"You'll  'ave  to,"  said  the  voice  of 
Discipline. 

"  'Ave  to,  I  don't  think  !  "  said  the 
rebel  ironically;  "I  couldn't  if  I'd 
[orst  it." 

"  I  ain't  got  no  small  kit,  any  'ow," 
said  the  small  and  husky  one  ;  "  I  put 
my  'aversack  down  when  we  was 
diggin'  one  of  our  chaps  out  cf  a  Jack 
Johnson  'ole,  andsomebloomin'  blighter  i 
pinched  it !  Now  that 's  a  thing  as  I 
don't  'old  with.  Rotten,  I  call  it.  I 
wouldn't  say  nothing  about  it,  mind 
you,  if  I  was  dead  ;  1  like  to  'ave  some- 
thing as  belonged  to  a  comrade,  my- 
self, an'  I  know'  as  'o  'd  feel  the  same, 
seein'  as  'e  couldn't  want  it  'imself. 
But,  if  you  take  a  feller's  things  w'en 
'e  's  alive,  why,  you  don't  know  'ow 
bad  'e  might  want  "em  some  day." 

"Corporal  'o  ses  to  me,  las'  kit  in- 
spection," broke  in  the  fresh-faced 
youth,  disregarding  this  nice  point  of 
ethics,  "'W'ere's  your  tooth-brush?' 
'e  ses.  '  Where  you  won't  find  it,'  I 
ses.  '  'Oo  're  you  talkin'  to  ? '  'e  ses. 
'  Dunno,'  I  ses;  'the  ticket's  fell 
off !  .  .  .  Wot  d'  yer  call  yourself,  any- 
'ow,'  I  ses,  '  you  an'  yer  stripe  ?  '  I  ses. 
'Funny  bundle,'  I  S3?,  'that's  what  I 
call  you  ! ' ' 

"  Well,  I  don't  see  wot  a  feller  's  got 
to  do,"  said  the propo under  of  the  prob- 
lem, returning  to  the  charge.  "Granted 
as  'e  can't  walk  about  naked  ;  granted 
as  'e  'asn't  got  a  suit  o'  civvies  of  'is 
own — wot  is  'e  to  do?  " 

"  'Ang  on  to  'is  kar-kee,"  said  the 
hoarse-voiced  man.  The  setter-down 
of  corporals  retired  within  himself, 
probably  to  compose  some  humorous 
repartee. 

The  warrant  officer  came  out  of 
Freckles  and  suggested  writing  a  letter. 
"  'E  'as  done.  'E  's  wrote  an'  told 
'em  'a ;  'e  can't  send  'is  kar-kee  back 
until  'e  gets  a  suit  o'  Martin  'Enry's  or 
thirty  bob  in  loo  of  same.  An'  all  as 
they  done  was  to  write  again  an' 
demand  'is  uniform  at  once." 

The  warrant  officer  sighed  and 
opined  that  orders  were  orders. 

"  Yes,  but  'e  'd  'ave  to  carry  'em  to 
the  Post  Office  naked,  wouldn't  'e  ?  An' 
'ow  about  goin'  to  buy  new  ones  ? 
That 's  if  'e  'd  drawed  'is  pay,  which  'e 


'asn't.  Unreasonable,  that 's  wot  I 
calls  it." 

"  'Asn't  'e  got  no  civvies  at  all  ? " 
said  the  small  man,  beginning  to  look 
sceptical.  "  'Asn't  'e  got  no  one  as  'd 
lend  'im  a  soot  ?  Anyways,  'e  could  get 
some  one  to  post  'em  for  'im,  an'  then 
stop  in  bed  till  'is  others  come." 

"  'E  's  a  very  lonely  feller,"  said  the 
champion  of  the  unclad  ;  "  'e  lives  in 
lodgin's,  an  'o  'asn't  got  no  friends.  If 
'e  'adn't  got  no  clothes  for  to  fetch  'is 
pay  in,  wot  then  ?  " 

A  gloomy  silence,  a  silence  fraught 
with  the  inevitability  of  destiny,  set- 
tled on  the  party. 

The  warrant  officer,  who  had  been 
pretending  to  resume  Freckles,  pre- 
S3ntly  looked  up  and  suggested  that  he 
could  go  in  his  uniform  to  a  tailor, 
explain  the  position  and  obtain  clothes 
on  credit. 

The  originator  of  the  problem  thought 
hard  for  a  minute. 

"  'E  isn't  a  man  as  I  'd  care  to  trust 
myself,"  he  said  rather  unexpectedly, 
an'  I  don't  think  no  one  else  would 
neither." 

It  was  at  this  point  that  the  man 
from  H.M.S.  Hedgehog  (or,  to  be  pre- 
cise, II.M.S.  Something  Flse)  fell  into 
the  conversation  suddenly,  like  a  bomb. 

"  'E  wouldn't  be  naked,"  he  said 
earnestly  ;  "  'c  'd  'ave  'is  shirt." 

This  was  a  staggerer.  One  cf  those 
great  simple  truths  sometimes  over- 
looked by  more  abstruse  thinkers.  But 
the  owner  of  the  problem  made  one 
more  stand. 

"  'Oo  'd  walk  about  in  a  shirt?"  he 
said  scornfully. 

"Me,"  said  the  large  seaman.  "Last 
time  I  was  torpedoed  ..." 

Ho  didn't  say  another  word ;  but  the 
problem  was  irretrievably  lost.  There 
bad  been  something  magnificently 
daring  about  the  idea  of  a  man  walking 
about  like  a  lost  cherub;  partly  clothed, 
nobody  cared  very  much  what  became 
of  him. 

Besides,  we  all  wanted  to  hear  Ad- 
miralty secrets.  We  sat  there  in 
respectful  silence  while  the  train 
rattled  on  its  way ;  but  the  large  sea- 
man only  went  on  smiling  peacefully 
to  himself,  as  if  he  were  ruminating  in 
immense  satisfaction  upon  unprece- 
dented bags  of  submarines. 


"The  architect  for  the  new  building  left 
nothing  out  that  would  at  all  hamper  the 
comfort  of  those  who  make  this  hotel  their, 
stopping  place." — Nor  Zealand  1'apcr. 

We  know  that  architect. 


"  The  Severn  was  moored  in  a  position  1,000 
miles  closer  to  the  enemy  than   oil   July  6, 
which  made  her  fare  much  more  effective." 
Natal  Mercury. 

Wo  can  well  believe  this. 


MARCH    15,  J916.] 


PUNCH,   Oil    TIIK    LONDON    (.'HAIM  VAIM. 


183 


; 


\ 


ANOTHER    INDISPENSABLE. 

( 'liii'f  »f  Villni/f  F'n-i'  Brigade  .  "  WE  'RK  ALL  BEADY.    Is  STEAM  UP?  " 

Engineer  (temporary).  "  IP  YOO  WANT  STEAM  IN  THIS  ENGINE  YOU'LL  HAVE  TO  GET  THOMPSON  'OMB  FROM  FRANCE  TO  SHOW  ME 

'OW    TO    LIGHT   THE    BI.OOMIN'    FIRE." 


TO    MY    COLD. 

LORD  of  i\\e  rheumy  eyes  and  blowing  nose, 

On  whom  no  fostering  sun  has  ever  shone, 

What  mak'st  thou  here?     Didst  them  in  sooth  believe 

Thy  presence  would  be  welcome?     Hast  thou  come 

Thinking  to  please  mo — me  who,  not  at  all 

Wanting  to  catch,  have  caught  thee  full  and  fair, 

And,  loth  to  get,  have  got  thee  none  the  less? 

Why  couldst  thou  not  in  thine  own  realms  have  stayed  ? 

Thou  mightst  have  found —        I  can't  go  on  like  this; 

These  second  persons  singular  of  verbs 

Are  far  too  tricky  ;  once  involved  in  these, 

For  instance,  "lovedst"  and  "spreadst"  and  "stillst"  and 

"gapest," 

And  thousands  more — once,  as  I  say,  involved 
In  these  too  clinging  tendrils  one  is  done ; 
And  so  I  find  I  cannot  write  an  odo, 
Not  even  a  ten-syllabic  blank-verse  ode, 
In  second  persons  singular  of  verbs, 
In  "snifflest"  and  in  "  whee/est"  and  the  rest, 
For  I  am  sure  to  trip  and  spoil  the  thing, 
And  bring  gramniatic  censure  on  my  head. 
Be,' therefore,  plural — "  you  "  instead  of  "  thou" — 
Which  makes  things  simpler.     Now  we  can  get  on. 
O  fain-avoided  and  most  loathsome  Cold, 
You  with  the  sneezing,  teasing,  whee/ing  airs, 


What  make  you  here  at  such  a  time  as  this, 
Melting  my  snowy  store  of  handkerchiefs, 
Easping  my  throat  and  bringing  aches  to  range 
At  large  within  the  measure  of  my  head  ? 
Platoon-Commanders  of  the  Volunteers, 
Who  now  are  recognised  (three  cheers  !)  at  last, 
And  of  whose  number  I  who  write  am  one, 
Should  be  immune  from  colds ;  they  sound  absurd 
When  bidding  men  to  "  boove  to  th'  right  id  Fours," 
Or  "order  arbs  "  (or  slope)  or  "  stad  at  ease," 
Or  "  od  the  left  "  (or  right)  to  "  forb  -platood." 
Even  the  most  submissive  men  begin 
To  lose  respect  when  such  commands  ring  out. 
Wherefore,  my  cold — atchoo,  atchoo — be  off, 
Lest  I  report  you  and  your  deeds  aright 
To  Mr.  TENNANT  at  the  War  Office. 


In  the  cast  of  The  Peal  Thing  at  Last : — 

'•  Nearly  murdered  .  .  .  Sir.  Godfrey  Tearle  (by  permission  of  the 
Adelphi  Theatre  Co.)."— Daily  Telegraph. 
A  sorry  return  for  Mr.  TEARLE'S  excellent  work. 

"THE  FLOODS  IN  HOLLAND. 

(Icncral  Goethals  states  that  he  cannot  predict  a  date  for  reopen- 
ing the  Panama  Canal  on  account  of  the  uncertainty  of  the  movement 
of  the  slides."— Xnrth  (.'liina  Daily  Neirs. 

It  looks  like  an  infringement  of  the  Monroe  doctrine. 


134 


PUNCH,   OR   THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


[MARCH  15,  1916. 


Artistic  Lady  (wJio  lias  just  had  her  drawing-room  re  decorated).  "WELL,  COOK,  WHAT  DO  you  THINK  OF  IT?" 

Cook.    "IT'S   A  BIT  BAKE-LIKE,    ISN'T  IT,    MUM ?       I   DESSAY  I'll   OLD-FASHIONED,    BUT   I  KEVEK   KEELY   FEEL  AX    'OMK 's   AX    'OME